Deadspin
For years — OK, a couple of days — Slate writer Robert Weintraub has been tinkering with a concept called The SSW, short for "The Sean Salisbury Wisdom," which tracks the consensus of the football punditocracy to ensure those triumphant declarations from Friday aren't flushed down the memory hole on Monday. Here's this week's SSW.
PREVIOUS SSW
Bears reduced to hoping opposition foolish enough to kick to Hester; can't win otherwise.
NEW SSW
Rex Grossman's last-gasp ploy, dumping Gatorade on Griese's helmet receiver, backfires.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Proof Papa Bear's ghost prefers Griese—fourth quarter bad snap goes through Griese's legs. Had it hit his leg, or had Griese been in the shotgun, it would have been a fumble, and Eagles set up to deliver the bullet to the back of the head. But as it didn't touch Griese, and went beyond the QB, it was only a 5-yard penalty, allowing Bears to kick a key figgie.
PREVIOUS SSW
Giants at their worst when prospering, as they have a tendency to believe they crap gold nuggets.
NEW SSW
Nothing like the Falcons and Niners back-to-back to make playing for Tom Coughlin a delight. At current exchange rate, beating Dolphins in Blighty will be worth only half a W.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Trent Dilfer a corrective to old, washed-up QB craze sweeping the league, as his two self-inflicted turnovers on consecutive plays eliminate any hope for SF.
PREVIOUS SSW
Fish D always gives Tom Brady fits, and Jason Taylor good for at least one killshot per game.
NEW SSW
Time for someone to step up and Save Our Sundays by taking a cheap shot at Brady and/or Moss.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Hey, a Matt Cassell sighting! The dude who got Palmer and Leinart's leftovers at SC (but no playing time) has always been whispered about in New England as Brady-esque. Maybe he knocked up his ex, but otherwise any similarities are off-base. Still — putting Brady back into a 42-21 game?
PREVIOUS SSW
Big Ben has eliminated the SteveO from his game, leaving only a smart, decisive player. Cutler is still running the streets with Trishelle.
NEW SSW
Endless break between NLCS and World Series allows Broncs to slurp from Rockies feel-good well to every reporter in country.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Not having Champ Bailey a blessing in disguise as D-line suddenly feels some urgency to get to the quarterback. Does having a shutdown corner lull D-coordinators into complacent pass rush schemes?
PREVIOUS SSW
Rumors abound Bengals ready to trade Ocho Cinco for the dude in those "NFL Latino" ads.
NEW SSW
Best way to get mouthy receiver to shut hole is by winning with a punishing ground game.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Pigskin egghead Bill Walsh once identified 4th quarter pass rush
as the most important element to winning games. Two late-game
sacks from the Bengals, and numerous hurries, means team could
overindulge on victory brews afterward.
PREVIOUS SSW
Kerry vs. Sage a late-night pillowfight at Southern Mississippi sorority house, not NFL QB matchup.
NEW SSW
Commit five turnovers vs. Falcons and win, give up 29 4th quarter points and win—next week, Titans to attempt to beat Raiders with only nine men on the field.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Don't forget—Craig Hentrich set new NFL record with 8 holds of field goals in a single game. An unappreciated field of endeavor—just ask Tony Romo.
PREVIOUS SSW
Rare sellout crowd, rediscovered running game, Russell Crowe in the house—Jags poised to make a run at the Colts in tough division.
NEW SSW
Bad loss, tough sked, QB depth chart selected by Al Sharpton—Jags in a tough position in a tough division.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Hunter Smith had punted less than anyone else entering game, but clearly kept his leg loose—kick killed inside Jags 5 set up safety that snuffed out J-ville's hopes.
Comments
Really?
I have to say that that false start penalty is perhaps the dumbest rule ever.
these suck.
I give up. You win, Weintraub.
*blows brains out*
make the bad man stop!
he said figgie.
He's stealing material from Drew, also.
PREVIOUS SSW
We should tell Albus Dumbledore about eHarmony.
NEW SSW
Hey, why did Hagrid move into the office next to the Headmaster?
The SSW used to have a really bad attempt at past and present football wisdom. That really sucked. Now it is a really bad half assed attempt of a recap of the weekend. It still really sucks.
I will just stop reading the SSW posts because work is better than this crap.
Previous SSW
Fieldgoal
New SSW
Figgie
But wait there's less
SSW is a complete tool for calling it a "figgie."
These would be better if there was more focus on actually ridiculing Sean Salisbury.
PREVIOUS SSW
Taking out Tom Brady's legs is the only way to save this season from certain Pats 19-0 domination.
NEW SSW
Just sit back and try to enjoy it, it'll hurt less.
Thank goodness. I knew some straight-faced Bengals homerism was just what this needed.
@StinkyCat: *nods head slowly
Previous SSW
Commenters give Weintraub a reprieve from the merciless taunting and posturing after a decent article.
New SSW
Weintraub makes us all regret it
But wait there's less:
Will continues to let this painfully unfunny dribble smudge Deadspin's sterling reputation.
hee hee, figgie! and blighty!
@Suss: "Headmaster" indeed
PREVIOUS SUPERMIKE
Banned.
NEW SUPERMIKE
Not yet banned.
BUT WAIT, BLAME IRACANE
PREVIOUS SSW
Grapes are delicious the way they are.
NEW SSW
Try freezing them!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
I'm going to try it with raisins.
I would rather read Gawker than this BS
seriously, please stop these
Previous SSW: A puzzling gimick post
New SSW: I feel like Chris Griffin after watching a Chad/Keyshawn interview
@Christmas Ape: thanks for the mention on KSK the other day...
PREVIOUS SSW
SSW stands for Sean Salisbury Wisdom.
NEW SSW
What the hell does SSW stand for again?
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS
Seriously, what the hell does any of this have to do with Sean Salisbury?
You all realize that even the commenters over at Wonkette are laughing at us because of this "feature"?
As Devin Hester is so clearly beginning to point out in Dave Coulier fashion about this feature...cut it out.
"I look forward to Tuesdays when the SSW is posted. The best part of Deadspin IMHO."
-tdHEYzeus4071
@supermike4ever: It's so just easy to lump you and Simmons together.
If the SSW is posted and no one comments, is it really posted?
Peter King thinks SSW is the funniest column in America.
PREVIOUS SSW
I deliberately go to places on the Internet and read things I don't like, then go out of my way to declare that I do not like it.
NEW SSW
[something Rob I. has said about 10 jillion times about how just because the comment button appears on one's screen doesn't mean you're forced to use it]
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE
Hey, look, other posts on Deadspin!
@chilltown: Weintrab is second in the league in smiles.
@Christmas Ape: You're just making Supermike more famous.
Nice foreshadowing with the Larry King photo. If I had hair, it would look like a mushroom cloud right now after (trying) to read this.
reading people ripping the SSW is what keeps me coming back. it's like some kind of sick drug.
"No, no, no. Figgy pudding. It's made with figs."
"Oh."
"...and bacon."
"What?"
Is calling Bironas "Craig Hentrich" a comment on Sean Salisbury types' disrespect for kickers, or did Weintraub just get this massively wrong?
Wait, why am I contemplating "A"?
Suss wins.
Do you think this Sucks? Well, it will soon Suck much, much Worse.
@Christmas Ape: the articles write themselves over at ksk! like, you could have a template or a madlib of some sort made and reused!
Maybe I have developed ADD at the age of 29, but I have no idea what this week's SSW is about. But I do know that it f'ing sucks.
Go figgie yourself, loser.
I'd rather read actual Sean Salisbury wisdom...
Seriously - If any of the blogging commenters were producing this shlock, they wouldn't even make The Blogdome, let alone get a regular feature.
Then again, we don't have "Slate writer" next to our names.
@Charlie Kerfelds Jetsons Tee: infamous.
can't wait til the boston pants party so you all can get photos with me. i'll even do some signings.
when is that? perhaps for a ws game? (at a bar, not at the game)
Wow, Weintraub sure is persistant. Most people would have walked away with their head down after getting ripped week after week, but he keeps showing up.
He's kind of like a poor man's Rex Grossman.
@HeavyPettingZoo: Maybe I have developed ADD at the age of 29, but I have no idea what ANY week's SSW is about. But I do know that it f'ing sucks.
FIXED!
@Tuffy: But what would Statler and Waldorf have to say about SSW?
Wow, the Deadspin editorial board is reduced to making "If you don't like it, don't read it" arguments.
Maybe they're getting tired of Weintraub making drunken, teary phone calls to them.
But wait, there's less:
Worthwhile content in this week's SSW has dropped to zero.
@supermike4ever: And yet you continue to read. So, for that, thanks.
Uh-oh, Suss doesn't approve of the weekly Five Minutes Hate. Sounds like somebody needs a visit from Miniluv.
@Tuffy: Yeah, SSW reminds me of John Denver too
I would rather open a picture message from Salisbury than read this crap.
@StuScott Booyahs: Exactly - what's the point of posting a regular feature that clearly 95% of your readers hate, rip, ridicule, etc?
How about this, Deadspin...if we all stop reading it, or commenting on it, will you stop posting it?
If so - let's all stop reading it. It's the shit sandwich in the middle of a week full of Reubens.
Mmm...Reubens...
Someone should post a pic of Salisbury at the end as the punchline!
Zingers and Ding Dongs for everyone!!
"Slate writer Robert Weintraub has been tinkering with a concept called The SSW."
I think it is safe to assume that the only tinkering that will save this mess comes from a revolver.
Previous SSW:
Weintraub has something on Leitch.
New SSW:
Weintraub has something on Denton. Can you post this shit on Jezebel?
But Wait:
Way to steal ideas from KSK.
@Christmas Ape: i read it for captain caveman's stuff - he's just so dreamy! he's got a sportscoat!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S LESS: so if Comcast is blocking my bandwidth, does that mean I get the SSW slower than non-Comcast users?
I'm just happy I found out what SSW meant, and that I'm not alone in hating if. Now if I could just figure out the codes for bold and eye-talic.
Previous SSW:
What is with all the Barbaro posts?
New SSW:
Why isn't this about Barbaro
But Wait:
I want to control content on this blog I really have no say over.
I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't just Will's way of letting us all vent. I mean, if we get all our hate out over Shit-Sandwich-Weintraub here, maybe we won't fight with Supermi... uhh... "amongst ourselves" as much in other posts.
...or maybe he just has Will's parents locked in his basement.
@Dr. Michael Mancini: Far be it from me to defend the SSW, but the Hentrich thing was supposed to be a jab at Romo, I think.
Then again, who the hell knows anymore.
At least now I know to avoid Slate too
@TBoRF:
As the original heyzeus, I resent this comment and demand a retraction.
So if it's week seven now, that means we have one, two, thr - oh bloody tampons we're all fucked.
I actually look forward to the SSW each week just to read the comments. This is the best part of the site as far as I'm concerned.