With the news yesterday that running back Quincy Wilson has become the 10th Cincinnati Bengal to be arrested in the past 14 months, we now need the measured, no-nonsense sports commentary of Kige Ramsey more than ever. If you're unfamiliar, just think of him as the Jason Whitlock of Youtube ... if, you know, Jason Whitlock fixed lawnmowers and carried around every book he owned wrapped in a belt.

We find Ramsey just about perfect in every way. Others, however, may think him a bit unpolished. Not to worry: The blog Bengal Stripes has a few pointers for him:

How to improve your Youtube home sportscast set-up:

1. Get somebody else to operate camera
2. Remove refrigerator from doorway
3. Show marginal enthusiasm
4. Prepare
5. Make sure calendar shows correct month
6. Update wood paneling

We're pretty confident that with these changes, Ramsey will soon unlock the secret to getting us out of the Middle East. And this just in ... a Browns player has now been arrested. There'll be precious little time for biscuits and mustard today.

Slingblade Bengals Commentary [Bengals Stripes]
Not Changing Their Stripes: 10th Bengal Arrested [MSNBC]
Cops Use Stun Gun On Browns Rookie [MSNBC]

Contact information for this author is not available.