The Deadspin Beijing Bureau attended the USA/Russia basketball game on Sunday. They were spectators. They were spies. They were flmmakers. See the fruits of their labor after the jump.

The Dream Team stopped off in Macau and Shanghai recently for a few final Olympic tune-ups. For vague patriotic reasons, we decided to attend their game against Russia in the sweaty metropolis of Shanghai. On a dripping Sunday afternoon we made our way to the inconveniently located Qizhong Forest Sports City Arena, a modern arena amidst the factories of Xinzhuang Industry Park in suburban Minhang district, which oddly reminded us of the Bureau of Iowa… except for all the scooters and pick-up trucks carrying crops of lotus root.

This weathered map just about sums up where we were, both literally and mentally.

This was the first basketball game we’ve attended in China and it was a starkly different experience from the MLB exhibition series we attended in Beijing in March. Unlike the ambivalent confusion we witnessed in Beijing, Chinese fans are more than familiar with basketball and the Shanghainese in the crowd appeared to enjoy themselves…not that we blame anyone for being bored at a Padres-Dodgers split-squad Spring Training game — during a dust storm, no less.

The game was competitive early on as the new Dream Team struggled a bit with Russia’s match-up zone. Andrei Kirilenko had his way down low at times — especially when Dwight Howard was on the bench — and J.R. Holden, of all people, had about 14 points

The crowd was decidedly pro-American, although Chinese fans tend to cheer politely for either team at sporting events when one executes a nice play ( which we think is pretty cool) . Kobe was clearly a fan-favorite (see above video) both during the game with raucous M-V-P chants and after, as handsy fans frantically surrounded the guy as he tried to exit the court.

China consulted with NBA officials in the hopes of creating, for better or worse, an NBA-like atmosphere for the Olympic basketball games. This meant the afternoon was replete with dancers seemingly plucked from the bar tops of Monmouth’s finest Ladies’ Nights, booming, dated pop music and, ruefully, thunder sticks for every last man, woman, and baby. There were a few kinks (be gentle with those squatter toilets!) but beer was accessible and plentiful and this was the closest the Bureau has ever felt to being at an American sporting event in China… whatever that means.

After the game, yapping vendors pushed everything from $1 Kobe posters to $12 “massages” in the arena parking lot, and, while VIPs boarded private cars and those literate in Chinese scrambled to packed buses, others (we) were left to walk over an hour to the subway. That part sucked.

On the next post of the Deadspin Beijing Bureau: The Bureau is banned from entering bars in Beijing.

Remember, you can contact the Beijing Bureau at deadspin.china@gmail.com

If, like me, you're one of the true-blue patriots who follow the hyperactive, entertainingly contrived sports program "American Gladiators," you may have noticed that NBC has been running ads along the bottom of the screen for another, (somewhat) less contrived sporting event about to take place in China. The season finale of "Gladiators" will air on Aug. 4, just four days before the Olympics start in Beijing. NBC's marketing strategy seems pretty clear: Use fake sports to whet the viewer's appetite for real sports.

If you're not going to embrace your true patriotism and watch the Gladiators finale, try instead to take in Eddie Vedder at the United Palace Theater either tonight or tomorrow. Gonna be sick. Bunch of PJ opening set ukulele crap and "Into The Wild" wonders. It's gonna rule.

Thank your for your continued support of Deadspin. See you tomorrow.

Faster. Higher. Stronger. Better on TV. [WaPo]

Into this boiling stock go the penises. A few minutes later the first is hanging from my quivering chopsticks. Ox penis, says the waitress, is full of protein, good for the skin and aids longevity. And the deeper its colour, the more effective its properties.

Down the hatch it goes. The first thing you notice is the blandness. It's fatty, slightly chewy and awkward to swallow. The next piece is dipped in chilli sauce and there is an immediate improvement, but it still fails to blanket the growing queasiness in the pit of your stomach.

Wondering which tastes the best, you sick bastards? I'll kill the suspense: "But the best is clearly the donkey penis." So now you know.

The day I ate penis for lunch [The Daily Telegraph]

Olympic journo dines on animal...um...parts [SportsbyBrooks]

The South China Morning Post caused quite a commotion last week when they published a story citing anonymous bar owners who claimed that they had been instructed by officials to bar Blacks and Mongolians from entering their… bar. In case you missed it, the SCMP came back with a measured response to the public outcry and denials by the Public Security Bureau, this time citing an anonymous police officer. Some of our favorite China blogs (Shanghaiist, Danwei and Beijing Boyce) have been all over this, but we’ll offer you our humble opinion on the matter.

As you might have put together already, there has never been a host city so concerned with its public image and perception; so much so, Beijing has issued a novella-length handbook on how locals should converse with foreigners and the, um, handicapped. In a similar vein, Beijing is cracking down big-time on drug dealing and prostitution – things that go on in most cities and tend to escalate when as many as 500,000 people come to visit. It happens that around Sanlitun - the area mentioned in the articles - there are loads of Africans selling, often indiscreetly, hash and coke outside clubs. Last September there was a "raid" in Sanlitun where paramilitary police rolled out of vans and basically beat the crap out of every black person on the street — including the son of a Caribbean diplomat. Whoops. They arrested 20-30 people but didn't charge anyone with anything; it seems they just wanted to send a message: You can't sling here anymore, fellas.

Now, Mongolian girls – along with Russians & Chinese – make up a certain percentage of the prostitutes and bar girls in Beijing, especially at Maggie's, which is like the Yankee Stadium of whore mongering and john-in-action voyeurism in the capital. Maggie's has been around for a while and supposedly had some Public Security Bureau protection, which is why people were surprised when it was recently shut down.

Beijing is serious about street-level enforcement of trafficking and prostitution (if you don’t see it on the street it doesn’t happen!) and this affects some Africans and Mongolians who, accurately or not, are profiled by police as perpetrators of these two vices.

That said, if there was indeed a directive issued concerning blacks and Mongolians it was probably more like: “Don't let African drug dealers or Mongolian prostitutes into your bar,” a statement echoed by some interviews done by our man Beijing Boyce. We’re not sure what this would mean for blacks or reputable Mongolians in Beijing, many of whom already deal with some not-so-subtle racism from the locals. So it’s not that we question a disregard for racial sensitivity; there’s certainly that. After all, there is enough information available that leads us to believe enforcement figures approached bars and told the owners to monitor their black and Mongolian patrons. We just don’t think that any secret, official ban was issued.

Pending the latest revelations of the SCMP’s anonymous sources, there are a few other noteworthy Chinese news items:

China has designated special protest zones in the city where hippies freedom crusaders can bravely advocate their causes and completely blow their cover.

And smoking is totally ok (from the Times):

“Smoking with one hand and wielding a pair of chopsticks with the other, Li Na, 26, a secretary, was unapologetic as her 2-year-old son sat next to her at a restaurant here enveloped in a bluish haze. "If you overprotect your children, they don't build their immunity," she explained. "Breathing a little smoke when they are small makes them stronger."

Remember, you can email the Deadspin Beijing Bureau at Deadspin.China@gmail.com

Tonight, enjoy yourselves and say a little prayer that the Phillies will somehow make a miraculous trade for Matt Holliday even though Jayson Stark has already snuffed out that rumor. Just do it. For me. Please?

Either way, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Be back tomorrow for more, more, more, if you can, please.

'Night.

Bush Gives U.S. Olympians Rousing Send-Off To Beijing [ESPN]

Too bad you don't live in China, where Wikipedia entries on Hentai porn may be spurious at best, but at least they've found a way to cut down on traffic and pollution for the upcoming Summer Olympics. Only half the cars can be in operation on a particular day.

Under rules that will last from July 20 to Sept. 20, owners of some 3.3 million private cars can drive only on alternate days, based on whether the last digit of their license plates is even or odd. Those in violation face a $14 fine, a significant amount for most Chinese.

Just imagine if they did this in cities that hosted Super Bowls, World Cups, and permanently in Miami. Traffic would be so much easier to deal with. In fact, we all might have enough wiggle room in the passing lane to check e-mail on our BlackBerries. ♬ This is ooour country ♬

China Restricts Car Use To Combat Air Pollution For The Olympics [Los Angeles Times]

The report originated in Hong Kong's South China Morning Post and is, evidently, not a joke. I'm not an expert on the SCMP but it's evidently a reputable newspaper in Hong Kong. We've linked to the blog post discussing Miller's article because you have to subscribe to the newspaper to read some of their online articles. Including this one. Perhaps some of our overseas commenters can provide more information on the newspaper. Per Tom Miller of the SCMP:

Bar owners near the Workers' Stadium in central Beijing say they have been forced by Public Security Bureau officials to sign pledges agreeing not to let black people enter their premises.
"Uniformed Public Security Bureau officers came into the bar recently and told me not to serve black people or Mongolians," said the co-owner of a western-style bar, who asked not to be named.

Several blogs have already picked up the story and are running with it. Denials, I'm sure, will be shortly forthcoming from Chinese Olympic officials and as of now this story is the lone evidence and accompanied by anonymous sources that have been criticized here. But, even still.

Ahh, China, you bastion of cultural freedom and equality you. May all your women be impregnanted by black and Mongolian men. Where are Genghis Khan and Shawn Kemp when you need them?

Report: Beijing bars told to ban black people during Olympics [Shanghaist]
Chinese multiculturalism=Epic fail [The Sporting Blog]
China set to host 1936 Olympic games [With Leather]

Umm, really? Update on SCMP story [Beijing Boyce]

It appears the press might be getting a little sick of Dara Torres' old lady swim feats. At least that's the only reason it would seem the Palm Beach Post has decided to interview her embittered ex-husband. West Palm surgeon Itzhak Shasha and Torres were married for 16 months, but then divorced. Soon after, Torres began shacking up with David Hoffman, who's the father of her two-year old daughter, and who was also the fertility doctor treating Dara and Itzhak for, one would assume, their baby-making problems.

Needless to say, asking Itzhak how he feels about all the Dara Torres fever sweeping the country, is not going to result in a positive response.

"Believe me, I've achieved many significant things in my life," he said, "and none of them was being married to her. I don't want to talk about that marriage, and I don't want to talk about her."

Hoffman insists he started dating Torres after she was separated from her first husband, but still...dude. It's bad enough when your ex-wife starts dating anybody, but it has to be especially maddening when she goes off and starts romancing the man who knows all about your personal problems and who's probably scrutinized your semen countless times.

Swimmer's ex adds acid to the chlorine [Palm Beach Post]
Torres' Ex Not Enchanted By Her Feel-Good Story [SBB]

Deadspin's Beijing Bureau is manned by three college buddies who "studied" abroad together in Shanghai — one of whom is from Iowa — and now shadily classify themselves as freelance writers. The country has foolishly allowed them to return, and while they work and travel around China during the next year they'll be checking in periodically with dispatches about the Middle Kingdom's utter ridiculousness, hopefully preparing you all for the epic spectacle that will be the Beijing Olympics. When the Games come around they will be there — without tickets and with minimal language skills — ready to document world history for Deadspin. Due to healthy fear of deportation (and an outside chance of imprisonment), the Bureau must remain anonymous. Say "ni hao," after the jump...

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

It’s good to be back, people; we’ve got a lot to cover here.

In the week following the devastating earthquake that rocked China’s Sichuan province, government censors, in a move of solemnity, put a three-day moratorium on all entertainment programming on China’s state-controlled airwaves. It was part of a powerfully moving demonstration of national solidarity, the highlight of which was a countrywide three-minute moment of silence (note: only in China are moments of silence punctuated by car horns and air-raid sirens) that was touching in its sincerity and remarkable in its scale.

Curiously, though, as the New York Times’ Olympic blog points out, the Chinese government seemed to extend its entertainment ban to the NBA Conference Finals, which they deemed “too entertaining” for such a serious time. This claim was met with some skepticism, however, with many people linking the ban to recent statements made by NBA stars that were critical of China’s involvement in the situation in Darfur (see Kobe’s Darfur PSA & LeBron’s statements about China’s human rights responsibilities). Whatever the reason for the stifled broadcasts, the games were back on in time for game 4 of the Finals. Two-thirds of the Bureau watched the Celtics’ comeback at a sports bar via a Filipino satellite link. During its commercial breaks the provider Ben Sports ran the following confusing and eerie “letter” to China, written by its CEO:

Mother,
The world laughed at you for being backward;
The world was full of envy and anxiety when you opened up and progressed into a financial powerhouse;
The world condemned you when you put law and order into the upheaval and lawlessness created by followers of a self proclaimed Robin Hood in t¡bet but failed to applaud when you used your influence to save the lives of Burmese monks;
The world threatened to boycott and disrupt the August Olympics on ground of your violations of human rights standards set by the West who by apartheid policies and discrimination of coloured people blatantly violated for ages the same standards set.
Let me tell you Mother as a dragon seed brought up outside China;
They fear you Mother as you out compete them;
They fear you Mother as you are set to replace them at the healm of world order faster than they can accept;
They fear you Mother as you refused to take sides in every international dispute as you believe that to each his own and from each his best;
They fear you Mother as you have by hardwork hastened the failure and decadence of self assumed western supremecy system;
And finally for the period 12th May to eternity, you have shown the world the tenderness, love and care of the best guardian government and leaders the Chinese People can ever have contrasting greatly with the aftermath of the Florida and Burmese cyclone.
Mother, words of praises and admiration will never come from the West as they have painted you falsely as a hardcore monster with no feelings for your own for too long and the Western World is watching with total disbelief on CNN, BBC, Fox Media, live, the search, rescue, care and rebuilding operations to restore life and normalcy into the millions of displaced victims led by brothers Hu Jintao and Wen Jiabao demonstrating love care and simplicity with no political agenda whatsoever.
Mother, we whether in or out of the Great Wall are lucky and proud to be descendants of the ever Supreme Dragon.

Amen
Mr. Ben Chairman/CEO Bensports Satellite TV May 2008

The way things are going on the broadcast front, all international networks may consider following Ben Sports’ example by issuing an awkwardly poignant ode to BOCOG. As Rick mentioned here, the major broadcast groups are starting to get kind of nervous they won’t be able to deliver the usual standard of Olympic coverage. BBC’s executives are saying that preparation for these Olympics has been more logistically and politically confusing than the 1980 Moscow Games. To put this in perspective, one of the biggest sporting events in world history is happening in less than two months, and no one knows whether they’ll be able to get their equipment and personnel in the country, provide aerial shots, or even broadcast live feed of the Games.

Some of these difficulties stem from China’s new visa policies that have, incidentally, nudged many of the Bureau’s friends out of the country. To apply for a tourist visa to visit China one now needs to provide the following:

- A bank statement
- A letter from one’s employer stating that he or she knows the applicant is going to China
- A receipt for a round-trip airfare
- Proof of a hotel reservation for the duration of one’s stay
- A letter of invitation from someone in China
- An AIDS test…

Contrast this with the old policy that, as recently as three months ago, required only that one fill out a form and bring one’s passport to the nearest consulate. For some extra cash the whole thing could be taken care of in one day.

If one is able to get a visa to visit China to respectfully and quietly cheer for his or her home country this August, one would do well to become acquainted with a new document released by BOCOG succinctly titled: “A guide to Chinese law for Foreigners coming to, leaving or staying in China during the Olympics.” The nine-page document (curiously issued only in Chinese) contains the official policies on 57 wide-ranging topics including, but not limited to:

- People with “mental diseases” as well as drug smugglers, prostitutes and terrorists are not permitted into the Country
- Religious or political banners that may “disturb public order” are forbidden at any Olympic venue
- Foreigners may not bring to China any ammunition, poisons, or materials “that are harmful to China’s politics, economics, culture and morals”
- Sleeping outside is forbidden

And in a final, strange development, Beijing’s People’s Daily, the official English-language mouthpiece of the Communist Party — a fascinating publication, by the way — just released a skeptical assessment of presumptive Dem. nominee (and gold medalist in hope!) Barack Obama that criticizes his political experience and questions the significance of his perceived racial breakthrough. It’s an interesting, if at times poorly worded critique of “Change We Can Believe In”:

The skin color of Senator Barack Obama poses the greatest focus of attention in he ongoing U.S. presidential election campaign this year. This Democratic nominee with half of the blood from the African stock in his veins has been commended as the "star of change", who now seems to look especially dazzling and splendid with his victory in the recent primaries.

He goes on:

His success, nevertheless, is because he does not underscore his racial features, and has even intentionally drawn a clear line with those radical blacks. So, it can be said that Obama triumphs either because of his skin color or not because of it.

And further:

So his rise has not done away with privileges for the white Americans but reinforces their privileges on the contrary.

The author Ding Gang — who according to an article in The Washington Post may actually be a pen name for the paper’s editors — seems to be saying that Obama’s political ascension is merely a case of racial assimilation, undermining the notion of radical change felt by many starry-eyed Americans.

Something to consider in all of this is that both Obama and Hillary Clinton urged George Bush to boycott the Olympics this summer, and said they would do the same if they were in office. To us, it’s all related: If you publicly criticize Mother China, expect a response from her. Which, um, makes us all a little nervous.

"This torch relay is the most ridiculous in Olympic history," said Wang Lixiong, a Beijing-based writer and researcher on Tibetan issues. "It is now being run in sealed-off areas. Many officials in Beijing must regret that they made such ambitious plans."

Meanwhile, Nepal is wondering what all the fuss is about. If anyone tries to protest the torch during its ascent of Mount Everest next month, soldiers will simply shoot them.

A U.S. citizen holding a "Free Tibet" banner has been turned back from the slopes of Mount Everest, a Nepalese army officer said. The incident comes as authorities in Nepal tighten security on Mount Everest in advance of the scheduled arrival of the Olympic torch in early May. Nepal has about 25 security personnel on the mountain, including 15 soldiers trained in mountain warfare, the army officer said. Security forces on the mountain have permission to shoot mountaineers engaged in anti-Chinese activities, according to a Home Ministry official.

You may have cleaned out American protesters, but you'll never stop the legendary Yeti. Not only is he for a free Tibet, but he hates fire.

Olympic Torch Goes Off Route [USA Today]
Tibet Banner Gets U.S. Citizen Kicked Off Mount Everest [CNN]

Deadspin's Beijing Bureau is manned by three college buddies who "studied" abroad together in Shanghai — one of whom is from Iowa — and now shadily classify themselves as freelance writers. The country has foolishly allowed them to return, and while they work and travel around China during the next year they'll be checking in periodically with dispatches about the Middle Kingdom's utter ridiculousness, hopefully preparing you all for the epic spectacle that will be the Beijing Olympics. When the Games come around they will be there — without tickets and with minimal language skills — ready to document world history for Deadspin. Due to healthy fear of deportation (and an outside chance of imprisonment), the Bureau must remain anonymous. Say "ni hao," after the jump...

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Our second post was going to be about last month's MLB exhibition games in
Beijing — the first MLB games to ever be played on Chinese soil. But, as it turns out, there's some other stuff going on right now. A lot, actually. Let us sneak this in anyway:

This was the skip giving his post-game press talk from the dugout. He was about five feet away from us, and to get to where we were was surprisingly easy...a little too easy. And they say freedom of the press is hard to come by in China.

Meanwhile in Lhasa — and this is a big meanwhile — Tibetan protestors wreaked havoc on authorities and Han Chinese citizens alike in the streets and were subsequently cracked down upon. Foreign media outlets jumped on the story and ran with it, in some cases with healthy doses of truthiness. Government censors here did what they are wont to do, blocking various news sources and even blacking out broadcasts of BBC and CNN International. Here's a reenactment:

Western media reports have made their way onto the screens of local netizens, though, and the responses in China's blogosphere have been pretty fascinating to observe. We've read many posts rooted in the nationalist camp, defending China's sovereignty over Tibet, and expressing indignation over the protests and Western media coverage of the unrest there, with particular vitriol for CNN. A common sentiment seems to be that all of this is really no one's business: Tibet is part of China, and this is an internal thing.

Though not everyone feels that way. Chang Ping of the Southern Metropolis Daily wrote an essay titled "How to Find the Truth in Lhasa," which questioned the nationalist responses from Chinese bloggers without defending the Western media. Ping writes, "If we use nationalism as the weapon to resist the westerners, then how can we persuade the ethnic minorities to abandon their nationalism and join the mainstream nation-building." Since the release of his essay, Ping has been labeled a traitor by some internet forum contributors who feel that the media coverage and protests abroad are an affront to China's dignity."

Stuck literally in the middle of all this hubbub is a 72-centimeter long aluminum torch surrounded by a roving posse of large men in blue and white tracksuits — members of the Beijing Olympic Games Sacred Flame Protection Unit — who are charged with guarding the flame on its tumultuous, misguided, and increasingly bizarre journey around the world. Recently, these graduates of China's Armed Police Academy, whose training allegedly includes daily runs of 25 miles, have been doing more crowd control than flame-sitting. But after the increasingly volatile protests in London, Paris and San Francisco, their jurisdiction and enforcement capabilities are being challenged. Japan and Australia have suggested that the guards will have a significantly reduced role in torch security during their respective legs of the relay.

Hundreds of protesters were arrested at the torch's latest stop in Delhi — by a security force of over 16,000 police officers — and another 46 were arrested in Mumbai as they tried to storm the Chinese consulate. Despite that, however, the relay itself went pretty smoothly, albeit on a heavily fortified and truncated route, and Delhi may have set the template for undisruptive torch runs. This doesn't mean the fun is going to stop anytime soon, though, with cheeky democracies in Canberra, Nagano, & Seoul, as well as wild card Hong Kong set to welcome the torch on its remaining international route. And we can't begin to imagine what the relay is going to look like in Pyongyang.

The thing finally gets back to China on May 4 and will traverse the country, passing through Lhasa and other ethnic Tibetan areas, before settling finally in Beijing on August 6. We will be there for as many stops of Torch Tour 2008 as we can, with full video reports. Settle in, everyone; this is going to be interesting.

Kung-fu action hero Jackie Chan has warned anyone planning to stop him carrying the Olympic Torch he will come out fighting. "Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me," sad the 54-year-old, speaking at the launch of latest movie Forbidden Kingdom. Chan claimed many of the protestors are simply publicity seekers. "They are doing it for no reason. They just want to show off on the TV," he said. "They know, 'if I can get the torch, I can go on the TV for the world news'."

To prove he is sincere, Chan has already recorded a song for the Olympics. Included are the lyrics:

Waiting year after year
We can see into the future
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours.

Or, as friends know it; my Verizon ring tone.

Kung Fu Star Jackie Chan To Chop Down Olympic Protesters [Metro.com.uk]
Jackie Chan Records Olympic Ditty [The Register]

Three workers from the Newmarket factory of muffin supplier Merlo Kitchen Catering Company have been stood down with pay following the incident, which occurred at a morning tea last week at the Queensland University of Technology. Brisbanetimes.com.au understands two people at the function bit into muffins containing paperclips. When the paperclips were discovered, the rest of the stock was checked and paperclips found in a further 13 muffins. No one sustained injuries.

I think it was John Adams who said that no free democracy can stand when its baked goods are compromised. The terrorists hate us for our muffins.

I now leave it to Superintendent Parrot of the Hygiene Squad. Godspeed.

Aussie Olympians In Muffin Poison Scare [Brisbane Times]
Olympic Muffin Scare! [Deuce Of Davenport]

Canadian pop star Celine Dion voiced her support for the upcoming Beijng Olympic Games here on Saturday, saying she was "definitely against boycotting" the Games. "When you talk about the Olympics, you don't say politics," she said at a press conference. "We talk about power. We talk about love. And we talk about dreams."

Well, I can't disagree; just the other night I dreamed that Celine Dion's vocal chords were being pecked out by ducks. And I felt much love.

Meanwhile, China says it will close all its factories three weeks prior to the start of the Games in order to ease the air pollution in Beijing. Yes, that oughta do it.

Celine Dion Voices Support For Beijing Olympics [Xinhua News]
China To Close Factories For Olympics [ABC News]

Well, the relay has been loads of fun so far, hasn't it? IOC president Jacques Rogge said late Thursday that the Olympics were "in crisis" over the torch relay chaos, but then issued a statement on the IOC site that left many scratching their heads. While saying that protest "is a basic human right," he also went on to state:

But we do ask that there is no propaganda nor demonstrations at Olympic Games venues for the very good and simple reason that we have 205 countries and territories represented, many of whom are in conflict, and the Games are not the place to take political nor religious stances. ... If athletes genuinely want to express their opinion, that's fine. But let's not forget, there is also the right not to express an opinion."

So that's um, vague. You should lay down more explicit guidelines, Jacques. Otherwise when the 1600 meter relay anchor comes speeding across the finish line dressed as a Tibetan monk, don't come crying to me.

Meanwhile, the Chinese government says that the torch will pass through Tibet as planned, and that everyone should remain calm; all is well!

Also, here's video of torch bearer Majora Carter in San Francisco on Wednesday, who was tossed out of the relay by police for waving a Tibetan flag as she ran. Hey, at least she saw the torch. Thousands of people were there all day — some coming from as far away as China — and never saw it once.

Olympic Torch Lands In Buenos Aires [TheAge.com.au]
Mayor Says Olympic Torch Should Bypass Tibet [SFGate]
Freedom Of Expression Is A Basic Human Right [IOC Official Site]

No joyous celebration of Olympic unity here. Following the opening ceremony, the torch was shuttled by bus to several undisclosed locations throughout the city before being whisked back to San Francisco International Airport and sent packing to Argentina. Hey, didn't they do that with former Nazis during the Cold War? Goodbye, torch: It was a powerful experience, even though I never actually saw you.

The torch was supposed to set off from McCovey Cove at 1 p.m., but by about 10:30 there were already 8,000 or so demonstrators packed into the area around At&T Park, and that made Newsom absolutely freak. Fearing that his elaborately arranged hairdo might get ruffled, he took evasive action, staging a series of sporadic mini-runs throughout the city. This delighted the Chinese government, but practically no one else. So, with no torch to look at, the different factions amused themselves by screaming at each other.

Witness my marginal photography skills here.

The pro-Tibet and pro-Chinese factions were supposed to have been separated on opposite sides of King Street, but soon began intermingling with little or no notice by the police. A few scuffles broke out, but it mostly remained peaceful, if loud. One thing I discovered is that the Chinese consider it the greatest form of debate tactic to stand near an opponent and beat loudly on a gong. The louder the gong, the more he he feels he is winning the argument. The blowing of whistles is also an effective way to get your point across. And when all else fails, scream confusing chants into an electric megaphone.

Overall impressions of Wednesday? A little bit of a letdown, and I'm a little ashamed, actually. Here we are, supposed to be this bastion of free speech, and at the first sign of trouble we become French. Oh, we've got to hide the torch because there might be trouble. Don't they know that we thrive on trouble? San Francisco was constructed with the stuff; built with controversy, brick by brick. The people who came out on both sides of the Olympic embroglio did their part to hold up the tradition on Wednesday, but local government let us down. On Wednesday we might as well have been Des Moines.

Torch Kept From Demonstrators, Rushed Away [MSNBC]
Torch Protest Photos
Obama Urges Bush To Consider Beijing Boycott [MSNBC]

The relay will begin at AT&T Park and go for six miles along the waterfront, unless they change the route at the last minute. I'll be there, and if there's trouble I'm sure Will can provide bail (it's not like he hasn't had to do that with Daulerio enough times). Joining me will be the fine folks at Fan IQ, including the protest-minded 100 Percent Injury Rate, who may or may not have booze hidden on his person. Join us, if you're in the neighborhood. It could end up being the first Deadspin Pants Party held in jail.

Meanwhile, the IOC announced that it will meet on Friday and discuss whether the Torch Relay will be scrapped, both for this year and in future Olympics.

IOC president Jacques Rogge did not rule out the option of suspending or scrapping part of the relay, although most Olympic officials are opposed to such a move and Beijing organizers have vowed to go to the end. The torch relay has been disrupted in Greece, Istanbul, London and Paris by protesters opposed to China's policies in Tibet and overall human rights record. The torch relay is expected to end in mainland China on May 4.The Beijing Olympics start Aug. 8.

Here's the scheduled route.

But really, my only hope for this event is that Flamy shows up. That would make it a success.

Discord Follows Olympic Torch Relay To USA [MSNBC]
IOC Will Consider Stopping International Leg Of Olympic Torch Relay [Los Angeles Times]
San Francisco Is Already More Than Prepared To Take On The Olympic Torch [Fan IQ]
SF Treats Torch Run As A Hot Potato [SF Gate]
Introducing Tony Dungy's Least Favorite Sports Mascot [Deadspin]
Olympic Torch Relay Proceeding Smoothly So Far [Deadspin]

In Paris, some 3,000 officers were deployed on motorcycles, in jogging gear and using inline roller skates. Still, police barely stopped the second rush at the torch, and the attempt to extinguish it with water. Other demonstrators scaled the Eiffel Tower and hung a banner depicting the Olympic rings as handcuffs.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed.

Less than an hour later, the flame was being carried out of a Paris traffic tunnel by an athlete in a wheelchair when the procession was halted by activists who booed and chanted "Tibet."

If it weren't for the damned handicapped, today Tibet would be free!

Come on, admit it: The Olympic Torch Relay is becoming fun; like an enormous game of Capture the Flag. Note to protesters: You've got to create a diversion with the main group, and then have the little kid from the down the street sneak in from behind to grab the torch. Anyway it's all more interesting than women's volleyball.

Aren't you glad that Hitler invented it?

UPDATE: Here's some video.

Paris Protests Force Olympic Torch Delays [MSNBC]
Rings, Torch Have Ties To Hitler's Nazi Propaganda [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Ueberroth To Leave China Early For U.S. Torch Visit [USA Today]

At City Hall, Supervisor Chris Daly, who introduced the resolution critical of China, encouraged the audience that packed into the Board of Supervisors' chambers Tuesday to be on the streets and show disdain for the Chinese government during the torch relay. "The eyes of the world will be on San Francisco, and, let's be honest, if there is not alarm and there is not protest in San Francisco when the torch arrives here, that too would be news, and that would make San Francisco complicit in the human rights violations that are happening in China and around the world."

It was a wise, wise move by Olympic organizers to choose San Francisco as the only North American city to play host to the Torch Relay. In other cities — say, Denver or Dallas — officials might urge citizens to be civil and respectful, and do their utmost to avoid trouble. In San Francisco, the police beat you if you're not protesting. Plus, a third of San Francisco's population is Chinese American, so it should be fun!

Of course, the SF Supes could have voted to keep the torch out of their city entirely, but that would have denied them the opportunity to blast the Chinese government with a strongly-worded resolution! (That'll show 'em).

The route, where at some point I will quite possibly be set ablaze by monks:

Torch Route Published: Supes Critical Of China [SF Gate]

Most toilets in China are still of the squat rather than sit-down variety, as spectators and competitors at recent test events in otherwise state of the art venues like the "Water Cube" aquatics centre discovered. "In my personal point of view, there are cultural differences between Chinese and Western people. Chinese are more used to squat toilets," said Yao Hui, a senior official responsible for the management of Olympic venues. "Toilet alteration projects at the Bird's Nest (National Stadium), the Water Cube and National Indoor Stadium are ongoing and if technical conditions permit, all the toilets in these stadiums will be changed."

Meanwhile, in Japan, toilet technology is light years ahead of that in China. The Boston Red Sox and Oakland Athletics came home from their two-game series in Tokyo raving about the toilets. They practically could talk of nothing else. Said Oakland's Emil Brown:

"The toilets are the best. Do we have those? I mean, they're, like, way ahead of us as far as putting stuff out there."

Best feature, according to Brown: The heated seats.

But when he says that Japan's toilet technology is ahead of ours, I have to laugh (photo below from Dave Barry's blog).

A's Turn Up The Heat On Red Sox [Yahoo Sports]
No More Squatting In Water Cube Toilets, Beijing Says [Guardian UK]

Deadspin's Beijing Bureau is manned by three college buddies who "studied" abroad together in Shanghai — one of whom is from Iowa — and now shadily classify themselves as freelance writers. The country has foolishly allowed them to return, and while they work and travel around China during the next year they'll be checking in periodically with dispatches about the Middle Kingdom's utter ridiculousness, hopefully preparing you all for the epic spectacle that will be the Beijing Olympics. When the Games come around they will be there — without tickets and with minimal language skills — ready to document world history for Deadspin. Due to healthy fear of deportation (and an outside chance of imprisonment), the Bureau must remain anonymous. Say "ni hao," after the jump...

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

We've noticed that the sun sets a little differently here. On a "clear" day there is a line in the sky well above the horizon - the smog line - that separates blue sky above from the grey haze that hovers over the city. When the sun goes down, it never makes it to the natural horizon. Instead, it drops behind a toxic blanket of pollution.

Welcome to China — perhaps the most appropriate place ever for sports reporting without access, favor, or discretion— where we're proud to file the first post of Deadspin's Beijing Bureau.

Let us reiterate a sentiment repeatedly expressed on this site: The Beijing Olympics are going to rock. China is a place where over 350 million people smoke, and everyone else might as well, as smoking is legal in elevators, restaurants and would be in churches...if they were legal. Where supermarket chicken is pumped so full of steroids, athletes could legitimately worry they'd fail a post-consumption drug test. Where the Miao minority in Guizhou Province put on a show for which Barbaro was truly sired: stallion fighting. Where people still brush their teeth with Darlie (formerly Darkie) toothpaste. Where in Anhui province, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people*. Throw in billion-dollar ant-farming pyramid schemes, toxic red rivers, the world's only lunar embassy and 20 of the world's 30 most polluted cities, and you have the proud host of the 2008 Olympics.

We'll be here the next year or so to bring you "coverage" of all these fascinating quirks and, when the time comes, to be your men on the ground during the Beijing Olympics. But most importantly, Deadspin readers — who value "clean air" and "free speech" too much to visit China during this bizarre period — we want to be here for you. We formally invite your input and suggestions as we try to give you a picture of modern China as seen through Deadspin's cracked lens - its cities' underbellies, inhabited caves and underground fighting clubs.

Would you like us to eat a cobra and drink its blood? Done. Are you curious as to how Shanghainese girls in leather respond to "Ni gen wo, niu pi"? We're on it. Do you want to see how many dumplings we can eat in 12 minutes? We tried last year; the answer is 54, and it sucked. Within reason the Deadspin budget, we will go anywhere and eat anything that won't get us killed, eaten ourselves or deported.

We're here to help you navigate this massive, sprawling, fascinating mess, so send questions, thoughts, and blistering criticism to Deadspin.China@gmail.com. Let us have it in the comments, to be sure, but understand this: the Great Firewall of China will almost certainly block Deadspin in the next few hours.

* unverified

That's not all: You can also feed goats to lions. This is truly the best zoo of all time. We hope they have the Olympic village there.

Next, They'll Train Them To Ride On Yao's Back [The Meaningful Collateral]
Fun Spectator Sports To Do In China During The Olympics: Huck Live Goats Into A Den Of Lions [FanIQ]

In other words: Don't let your fat ass become a distraction to the athletes.

For women hoping to become hostesses at next year's Olympic Games medal ceremonies, here come the criteria: no tattoos, no big bottoms, and cut down on the earrings.

Tattoos and earrings tend to look sleazy, while big bottoms could stick out too much, state media reported yesterday, quoting officials selecting candidates for medal ceremonies and other protocol activities.

We think this is a somewhat reasonable, if somewhat uncouth, request for a government to make of their hostesses, but because it's China, we shudder to think of the ways they might enforce this. The good news? None of their hostesses will now be harassed by Jason Kidd.

China Says No Fat Chicks [100 Percent Injury Rate]

Yu Zhenhuan, one of the hairiest men in the world (he has hair over 95 percent of his body), would like to be considered.

"The Olympics belong to everyone — the common people and those with abnormalities included," the report quoted Yu Zhenhuan as saying from his home in China's northeastern province of Liaoning. "First I am a celebrity, inside and outside of China," he added. "Secondly, I think my experience in coping with a disfigurement ties in with the notion of the Olympic spirit."

We're not sure he's gonna have the chance, but one thing we do know: Keep this guy away from Michael Vick.

China's 'King Kong' Hopes To Carry Torch [WCSN]

Each of the Five Friendlies has a rhyming two-syllable name — a traditional way of expressing affection for children in China. Beibei is the Fish, Jingjing is the Panda, Huanhuan is the Olympic Flame, Yingying is the Tibetan Antelope and Nini is the Swallow.

Sadly, Yingying was imprisoned briefly for distributing pamphlets on the Chinese government's systematic suppression of Tibetean culture. But he has be re-educated, and all is fine. We had some other notions on Beijing mascots which didn't make the cut (welcome Googoo, the Internet censorship Ox), but fortunately the blog Wanbro has a better take on it than we do. So, enjoy.

Five Friendlies Unveiled [Wanbro]
The Official Mascots Of The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games [2008 Beijing Olympics]
Oh, Sleep Well. We DARE You [Deadspin]