"He should. All it was was dogs. They act like they don't even like pit bulls. That's the funny thing about it. I got pit bulls. I got to put them under a different breed just to travel. You can't fly pit bulls nowhere.

"It's not even like they were fighting cocker spaniels or something they like. They don't even so much care about pit bulls. Nobody."

So if I'm understanding this correctly, if it's a breed such as pit bulls that no one likes then it's ok to fight them? I'm building my hockey mom ring right now.

Joey Porter Senses a Pit Bull Paradox [The Sporting Blog]

Ainge's suspension has no immediate impact on the roster, as he was put on injured reserve Oct. 29 with a foot injury. The suspension does cost Ainge money, however, as he will forfeit four game checks.

The other Jets player to be suspended this season was running back Jesse Chatman, who missed the first four games. Chatman, coincidentally, also was put on injured reserve Oct. 29 after suffering a knee injury against the Chiefs on Oct. 26.

Well shit. There goes my fantasy team.

Yep, things are pretty grim for sports fans who live and root in Seattle. Their stolen NBA team taunts them from another city, their baseball team spent $118 million to get 101 losses, the Seahawks have lost their stranglehold on the worst division in pro football, and the local university's squad is 0-10 heading into their big in-state rivalry game this weekend ... and they're the favorite. If that wasn't bad enough, the city's biggest sports personality was murdered (and "Big Lo" doesn't seem too healthy either.)

Cleveland and Buffalo obviously weep for their painful losses, but it's pretty easy to see that this winter in the Pacific Northwest is going to be even more sad and gloomy than usual. Won't someone think of the children?

[Brian] Robinson, the Save our Sonics co-founder, remembered the time he spent in the Army bragging about and betting on Seattle sports. It became part of his identity, one he passed on to his two children.

The other day, his 5-year-old daughter said, in all seriousness: “All our teams lose. When you were a little boy, did they win?” Robinson said: “We are at real risk of a whole generation of people not enjoying professional sports. It might dead-end. And I don’t know what that could do to our sense of community.”

Well, if the alternative is rooting for the Mariners the rest of her life, I'd say your daughter got off lucky.

At a Time of Loss, Seattle Fans Hold On to Hope [New York Times]
With the Apple Cup just days away, there are stories that must be told [Cougars Examiner]
The annual selection of Wazoo jokes [Huskies Examiner]
Has Seattle sports reached rock bottom? [The Big Picture]

Oh, and T.O. says he wants the ball more. Another scoop for Deion!

• Browns Want Cowher Power. They're 4-6, profane emails are flying all over the place and staph infections are running rampant. Who better to pull the Browns out of their current morass than Bill Cowher, who can defeat bacteria with his menacing stare alone? "Per the source, the Browns are willing to give Cowher a contract worth $8 million to $9 million per year." [Pro Football Talk]

• All Signs Point To Go. Brady Quinn was examined by a hand specialist on Thursday, and has been declared fabulous, plus OK to play on Sunday against the Texans. Quinn complained of soreness during Wednesday's practice and was found to have a slightly fractured pinky on his throwing hand. [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

• Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! ... Jerry Jones takes part of the responsibility for Pacman Jones' suspension. "Yes, I do take responsibility for the fact that it was my own security that the issue was part of," Jones said. "Because it was my guy there that created the problem. ... The way that it was supposed to work in my mind, to some degree, we wouldn't have had that problem." [USA Today]

Two years ago, when Chicago came visiting the Trans Jones World Dome, Bears over ran the place, making it feel like a road game for St. Louis. Running back Steven Jackson complained about being booed in his own stadium and called the situation "embarrassing." Since it's probably going to happen again this Sunday when Chicago comes back into town, Rams guard Richie Incognito (great name, btw) announced that he prefers it that way. Boos or no boos, at least someone is cheering.

“It seems like our fans aren’t coming to the game, so it’s fun when the other fans come in and start hooting and hollering. At least someone is in the Dome yelling,” Incognito said after practice Thursday. “When we played the Giants (Sept. 14 at the Dome), they had the whole lower bowl filled up (with Giants fans). We know how our fans feel about us; that’s fine.

“It’s nice to have the other fans here. At least they cheer. Our fans get in their seats, they don’t know how to cheer, when to cheer. We get the other team’s fans coming in, and they cheer real nice for us. It provides for a good football atmosphere, having the Chicago fans down here.”

Translation for Rams fans: You guys suck. Of course, it didn't take the fans long to point out that the football product ain't too hot, either. To which Richie can only respond, "Touché"

They're waiting for something to cheer about, exactly," Incognito said. "We didn't give them much to cheer about."

So we're all agreed then? Everything in St. Louis is horrible. The end.

St. Louis Rams' Richie Incognito says Chicago Bears fans likely to outcheer Rams fans + Richie Incognito takes his turn ripping St. Louis Rams fans [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
Memo from Rams fan to Richie Incognito: give us something to cheer about [Turf Show Times]
Hey Richie Incognito FU [Ramblin' Fan]

With the economy in a tailspin and Congress ignoring the auto industry's bailout pleas, it seems only fitting that this is the year that the Lions make their most serious push toward NFL history. But are they bad enough to attain the league record for losses? Do Lions fans dare to dream that big? Yes they do.

Is Detroit the worst team ever? Florida residents who were around in the mid-1970s say no way. Meet the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Game 10 vs. the Jets: Lou Holtz's team is 2-7 but still manages to humiliate the Bucs. It is New York's first shutout since the Jets played at the Polo Grounds in 1963. "If this keeps up, I'm going to have to buy all of them beards and dark glasses so nobody will recognize them," McKay says. Bucs lose 34-0.

Game 14 vs. the Patriots: The season ends with New England calling timeout with six seconds remaining so Steve Grogan can take it in from the 1 to set an NFL record for rushing TDs for a quarterback. Making things just a little worse, the Patriots let linebacker Steve Zabel kick the extra point. The Bucs lose 31-14 and make history. They are 0-14.

Sorry Lions. The '76 Buccaneers Are The Epitome Of Futility [St. Petersburg Times]
Yes We Can Lions; 0-16 [World Of Isaac]

It all started last November, when Childress fined Williamson for missing a game—even though he skipped it to be at his grandmother's funeral in South Carolina. Things went sour after that and Williamson was eventually traded to the Jags. He's been waiting for this game for months, as a chance to show his old lover how much better off he is without her, but since Troy has just four catches this year and will be inactive on Sunday with a groin injury, he figured he might as well just show up anyway and punch Childress in the face.

"I'm going to bring this up one more time," said the Jaguars receiver, who the Vikings drafted seventh overall in 2005. "And if you all could bring this up to Coach Childress, we could meet on the 50-yard line and we can go at it" ...

"I mean if I could duke it out with Coach Childress that'd be a different story," Williamson said. "But other than that, this is just another game to play on Sunday."

When Childress was asked about the comment at his press conference, he initially made some bluster about the teams having a "buffer zone" and not wanting to get fined, which is the NFL equivalent of saying "I can't fight you after school, because I have detention." But when asked about the tale of the tape, Childress did not demure.

"Do you need my reach? I'm not like a woman; I'll give you my weight. It's 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite. Is that enough humor for you?"

Yes, but we'll take some more. What do you think of your chances Troy?

"I love 'em," Williamson said. "I even could tie my hands behind my back and — all right, we're going to just leave it at that."

Awesome. Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio, anything to add?

"He probably wouldn't have to run very fast to catch him."

Perfect. (I hope you're referring to your receiver as the speedier of the two.) And for the final word, we go to insane defensive end Jared Allen:

"Coach Childress is a tough-minded guy," Allen said. "And he’s got a badass mustache," Allen said. "I put my money on whoever has a kickass mustache."

Well, that settles it then. Should we go with Brazilian jujitsu rules or just a standard WWE broken table match?

Jaguars' Troy Williamson wants to duke it out at midfield with former coach Brad Childress [Orlando Sentinel]
River City Rumble? Williamson wants Childress [AP/Google]
Jaguars' Williamson offers to 'duke it out' with Childress [Rochester Post-Bulletin]
Troy Williamson wants to fight Brad Childress at the 50-yard line [Orlando Sentinel]

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available right now in stores and online here, and makes a lovely Christmas gift for the chronic masturbator in your life. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

No time for tiddlywinks, people. We’ve got leather bikinis and other shit to discuss. Let’s dive right in to this week’s slate of matchups.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Giants at Cardinals: Anquan Boldin has been tearing it up for the past few weeks while sporting eight metal plates in his face and wiring in his jaw. There’s only one way for Giants corner Aaron Ross to stop Boldin, and I know what it is.

Let’s see you try and catch balls NOW, tough guy.

Jets at Titans: Here are the last two paragraphs of this week's Rick Reilly column on Kerry Collins:

If you look at Collins' face this week, you'll see a big cut on his nose. He was deer hunting, saw a six-pointer loping by, didn't have time to get a good rifle rest on his shoulder, fired anyway and the recoil nailed him. But he got the deer.

Figures. He never did like to pass the buck.

Now that's what I call PUN-cuation! Holy Jesus. For real, the man is Roger Dudek made incarnate. Mind you, this asshole makes millions to come up with shit like that. Do me favor, will you? Just stab me in the face. Do it quickly, and don't tell me you're going to do it.

Four Throwgasms

Patriots at Dolphins

Three Throwgasms

Eagles at Ravens: The amazing thing about Donovan McNabb’s ignorance regarding ties isn’t that he didn’t know about them. It’s that he was genuinely ANNOYED that that was the rule. Watch that video again. The guy is fucking seething. He’s got that look that says, “I’m not gonna say anything that’ll get me in trouble, but you do realize what an outrage this is, yes?” It’s as if the existence of ties were the same to him as the existence of the Tuck Rule. Not only that, he fully expected everyone else in that room to be as surprised and angry as he was about it. Like, “Can you guys fucking believe this shit?” I’ll never get over that.

Panthers at Falcons: I watched Berman do the highlights last week. His nickname for Michael Turner? “Michael Turner Overdrive”. He even tossed in a few bars of “Takin’ Care Of Business” to drive the point home. First off, that isn’t just a dated joke. It’s fucking carbon dated. He must have unearthed that joke after burrowing through several layers of sedimentary rock in the Grand Canyon.

Second of all, I don’t think any person on Earth ever needs to hear that Bachman-Turner Overdrive song ever again. There are certain songs that exist now strictly for use in movies and ads, or as filler on classic rock radio, and are never listened to for pleasure by any living being on Earth. Here are a couple more of them:

-“Spirit In The Sky”
-“For What It’s Worth”
-“Smoke On the Water”
-“Love Train”
-“Turn, Turn, Turn”
-“Reelin’ In the Years”
-“Aqualung” (non-jazz flute version)

Anything on Freedom Rock, basically. I think the entire classic rock catalog of the 60’s and 70’s should just be retired. Will anyone out there miss “A Horse With No Name” if we toss it into a fucking black hole? I say no.

Vikings at Jaguars: I’d like to pay a quick tribute to the in-game interstitial shot. You know: the three-second shot of the home team’s city as the station comes back from a commercial break. There’s something so pastoral, so very soothing, so calming about them. Nothing delights me more during a brutal Vikings loss than to see a quick glance at a giant cherry-on-a-spoon sculpture. It reminds me that there are things going on outside the stadium, things far more pleasant than an actual Vikings game itself.

Colts at Chargers

Packers at Saints

Two Throwgasms

Bengals at Steelers: In the wake of being accosted by a man with a gun, Big Ben apparently now employs a full-time bodyguard. I’d want one too if I played behind that o-line. HEY-O!!!!!

Raiders at Broncos: I watched some of the Raiders game last week. To give you an idea of just how fucked this team is, consider the following play. Darren McFadden takes a pitch to the right and is looking to throw a halfback option pass. The only problem is that there isn’t a single Raider receiver on his side of the field. Not one. They all went in the complete opposite direction. So not only does this team run plays incorrectly, but they run them in the most incorrect manner possible.

One other note: Last week, the Broncos started rookie Spencer Larsen at both fullback and middle linebacker. When I first heard about that, I was all like, “Badass. FUCKING OLD TIME IRONMAN FOOTBALL! YEEEARRGH!!!” Turns out Larsen only played three snaps at fullback. Pfft. What a pussy.

Texans at Browns

One Throwgasm

49ers at Cowboys: Some good news for Wade Phillips when he's coaching in the CFL twelve months from now.

Bucs at Lions
Bills at Chiefs
Bears at Rams
Redskins at Seahawks

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Stink Fist,” by Tool. “Relax, turn around and take my hand.” Yeah, he isn’t talking about using your HAND to take his hand. Among all bands, only Tool knows how to pen a song about anal fisting that really makes you think.

I’ll always think of “Stink Fist” fondly because of this story. Back when I lived in New York, my wife and I were invited to a birthday party for one of her friends. This was one of those typical New York birthday parties that isn’t actually a party, but rather a bunch of people congregating at a bar and still having to pay for their own drinks. I fucking hate parties like that.

This lounge (named Shine, I dunno if it still exists) was way downtown. Anyway, the wife and I wander into the place, meet and greet a few folks, and sit down to have a drink. It was looking to be an altogether normal, unremarkable night.

When suddenly, out of the fucking blue, the lights go down and “Stink Fist” starts playing at an ungodly volume level. My wife clutched her ears. There was a small stage at the front of the bar. When the song started to blast, a smoking hot brunette chick came charging out onto the stage and into the spotlight. She was wearing only a leather thong bikini. She started go-go dancing around for a bit, like a stripper would. Only she didn’t get naked. But that didn’t matter in the least. I preferred her in the leather bikini anyway.

Then, she took out two metal torches, lit them, and spent the rest of the song eating fire. Mind you, I planned none of this. This incredibly fucking awesome spectacle unfolded before me without any advance warning of any sort. I went out for drinks. I got a fire-eating, leather-clad stripper dancing to a song about assfisting. HOLY SHIT.

I was in awe. Not that I could tell my lady this. She thought it was the single weirdest fucking thing she’d ever seen. Needless to say, I’ve yet to convince her to eat fire at home. I demand that every bar in the world have fire-eating leather bikini strippers ready at a moment’s notice. They’re really quite something.

I can’t watch any Tool video for longer than two minutes without starting to have day terrors. Why must they always insist on showing me meat? What’s that dusty guy keeping in that jar? You know what? Forget I asked. I really don’t want to know. Maynard James Keenan, you are one sick fuck.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

Don’t do it, farm animals! He won’t respect you in the morning!

Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

“I’ll Remember,” by Madonna. I’d like to note that this video is over 14 years old, and Madonna looked absolutely terrifying even back then. For real, she looks like she’d bite your dick clean off. Which is probably what A-Rod is hoping for.

This song was the theme song from With Honors, a movie I didn’t need to see to know how badly it sucked. It’s the one where Joe Pesci plays the rare Magical Homeless Dago to a bunch of whiny Harvard brats. Never trust any Joe Pesci movie where he isn’t violently stabbing people with whatever stabbing implement happens to be close by. A knife. A pen. Another man’s rib. Joe Pesci is the MacGyver of stabbing implements. I really don’t need to see him be a kindly mentor.

The night before I graduated dipshit prep school, I went to dinner with my folks at some nice restaurant. I didn’t really want to be there. There was some party going on that night. A girl I liked was going to be there. I spent the entire dinner thinking about her, thinking about the moment I would finally get to leave so I could go lay eyes on her, maybe even talk to her, before I graduated and never had the chance to again.

After a while, my folks said to me, “You look like you’d rather be somewhere else. Go on. Have a good time.” I fucking SPRINTED out of the restaurant towards the party, as fast as a big fatass can sprint, which is not terribly fast.

When I got to the party, the girl was gone. She’d headed out. I missed her. This song was the song that was playing at the time. And to this day, hearing it brings me back to sprinting into that party, a feeling I find strangely enjoyable now for some odd reason. Perhaps it was the excitement at the possibility of seeing her. Or perhaps it was relief at the fact that I didn’t have to sprint any farther.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Wes Welker. You white asshole. You catch four billion balls a game. Would it kill you to have one of those catches be in the goddamn end zone? Jesus.

In fact, I’m had just about enough with the entire receiver crop this year. With the exception of Anquan Boldin and a few others, you people make me want to dunk my head in a bucket of chicken blood. You know who’s tied for third in scoring among all receivers right now? Kevin Walter. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! Stop planning your end zone ballet dances and SHOW SOME FUCKING CONSISTENCY, YOU COCKLICKING SHAFTWORKERS.

Five Potential Key Injuries
-Daunte Culpepper (T-bone steak caught in throat)
-Marc Bulger (buried alive)
-Joey Porter (douchophrenia)
-Ryan Fitzpatrick (double-jointed erection)
-Ronnie Brown (webbed buttocks)

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide pick of the Panthers was correct, which makes me 10-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Carolina, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick? Tampa Bay (ride the Lions to suicide pool victory!), and sitting on a lionfish.

Lionfish don’t like it when you sit on them.

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“This week, I like Jacksonville giving 2 points at home against the Vikings. A lot of people think my favorite movie is Jaws, or some other movie about sharks. Not true. My favorite movie is Life Is Beautiful. I love movies with happy endings. Sweet dreams, Mr. Jew clown.”

2008 Nazi Shark Record: 2-7

Great Moments In Sports Poop History
I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I’ll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper!

“At a hockey rink I used to work at the Zamboni driver got into a spat with the rink director about the Z-driver's drinking problem (which was a considerable problem.) The driver was suspended for about a week. Upon his return he wanted to make amends so he brought in a box of donuts and put it on the desk of the rink director.

“In this box were several donuts of varying styles including a couple eclairs. Amongst the eclairs was a strange eclair-like donut. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a perfectly placed log of shit stashed neatly between the pastries. Of course the Zamboni driver was fired (he later pulled another fecal prank at the public works department) but what left everyone stunned was the level of precision with which the "shit-in-the-donut-box" prank was executed. It was so well done the rink director was almost too impressed to can him.”

-Bob Loblaw

The Proper Use Your Illusion Single-Album Track Listing
Earlier this week, Leitch spent some time in his column talking about “Chinese Democracy”. He then condensed the “Use Your Illusion” albums into one ideal LP. Well, no offense to Leitch, but his track listing sucked a fat dick. THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RAWK, FARMBOY?! “November Rain”? Really? That song eats hog. It was a bullshit Elton John wannabe song everyone else in the band hated. Here’s your proper condensed album:

1. Civil War
2. Bad Obsession
3. Don’t Damn Me
4. You Could Be Mine
5. Pretty Tied Up
6. Coma
7. The Garden
8. Locomotive
9. 14 Years
10. Estranged

Also, Chuck Klosterman reviewed the new album at the AV Club. He said he liked the title track, which leads me to believe this review is, again, some sort of prank. Because that title track is about as enjoyable as “My World”. (NOTE: The album is now streaming here. Holy ProTools, Batman.)

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Jim Haslett
Tom Cable
Mike Singletary
Marvin Lewis
Rod Marinelli
Herm Edwards
Norv Turner
Wade Phillips
Romeo Crennel
Andy Reid
Gary Kubiak
Jack Del Rio
Dick Jauron

Dick “Meltyface” Jauron joins the chopping block this week, as the Bills continue to go into the tank. Doesn’t Dick Jauron seem like an interim coach, even though he’s the real head coach? He’s boring, he plays it safe, he’s completely lacking in personality. I wish more interim coaches were like Mike Singletary, who clearly thought to himself, “Well, they probably aren’t gonna retain me after the season anyway. Fuck it, I’ll show everyone my ass.” Hey, why not? May as well have fun with it. There’s no reason Dick Jauron can’t show his melty ass to his team.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

People of Earth, I give you Taco Bell’s new Fully Loaded Nachos. I’ve seen ad after ad for Tex-Mex border tragedy during games. The thing that truly awes me about these nachos is that they come in a fucking taco salad shell. That is ballsy. They’ve completely ignored the rule that says: If you’re going to put shit in a fried taco shell, you better have at least some leafy greens in it. Not Taco Bell. They said, “Fuck that shit. We’re aren't playing by your rules. WE ARE MAKING A FUCKING NACHO TACO SALAD.” You have to admire them for that.

You gain ten pounds simply by ordering this fucking thing. I checked the nutrition information. One serving contains 1,390 calories and 83 grams of fat. But it does have 15 grams of fiber. Thus, like any Taco Bell product, it’s certain to help keep you more than regular.

If you’re the kind of person who orders something like this, I really don’t know what to say to you. You’re beyond help. If you’re so fat that you can’t order nachos unless the very container they come in is also deep fried, you clearly need to be hoisted to work on a daily basis.

One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"Nobody likes rape, except for indie filmmakers."

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Killian’s Irish Red. For years, this was my favorite beer. Why? I have no clue. I think maybe because the name Killian made me think of Richard Dawson’s character from The Running Man. “Hi, cutie pie. You know one of us is in deep trouble.” I always want one of these whenever I see a Denver Bronco’s helmet.

Random FKS-Style Tidbit
I have a toddler. Sometimes, toddlers act up. Now, whenever a toddler acts up, you’re supposed to give the kid what is known in parenting circles as the time out. I’ve asked other parents how to give a time out. Apparently, if the kid is going apeshit, you call time out. Then you take them to a quiet area of the house, where they are to sit quietly for a predetermined length of time.

Here’s my question: how in the living FUCK do you get the kid to do that? If your kid is so well behaved that he’s just gonna go sit quietly in a corner upon your command, you don’t have a problem. Okay? Your kid is a goddamn angel. He could probably enroll in flight school if he’s that well trained.

Like that would work on any real kid. “Hey, time out! Now go stand over there quietly and compose a 5,000 word essay ruminating on your transgressions.” Holy fucking shit. If I could get my kid to sit for a timeout, I’d just tell them the whole goddamn day is a time out. “Nope, it’s still time out, kid. You keep acting uncommonly poised and disciplined compared to actual children. Mommy and Daddy are gonna go out for Chinese.”

Robert Evans’ MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL’s MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

“Baby, when you’ve got it, you flaunt it! Back in ’75, the great Sidney Korshak sent me a Rolls Royce for my birthday. Extravagant? You know it! Sexy? As all hell. Now, I already had the Delorean and the Alfa Romeo. But I wasn’t going to let that sexy little kitten go to waste! Instead, I used the Rolls as my private getting-around vehicle on the Paramount lot. Hernando was my personal driver, paid for by the studio. Immigrant? You bet! A great friend? The best. So very wise for a Costa Rican. Hernando watched me nail a lot of starlets in the back of that car. That little Mariel Hemingway sure knew how to grab on to a dry cleaning handle.

“Your front-runner for the NFL’s MVP thus far is Kurt Warner of the Cardinals. That kid’s got a lotta mileage on him. But he doesn’t let that doesn’t stop him! He reminds me of me, in a way. Except that he’s religious. And faithful to his wife. And hasn’t used a woman’s back for resting a coke mirror on. But there’s still time, baby!”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

Life Of Brian. Perhaps one day I too will have a piece of halibut that is good enough for Jehovah.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital, where his condition was upgraded to ‘alive’.”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Giant photo blog of Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima. According to the Wiki, Adriana never planned on being a model. Well, isn’t that always just how it fucking happens. Don’t you ladies just hate girls like this? “I was just tagging along with a friend at an audition! I didn’t even plan on trying out! Suddenly, they’re sending me to Paris and paying me hundreds of thousands of dollars! I had no idea I had a flawless body and striking, exotic facial features! Isn’t that wacky?” You go to hell, lady. While Lima is currently engaged to NBA player Marko Jaric, she also once dated Prince Wenzeslaus of Liechtenstein. Good Prince Wenzeslaus?

Good Prince Wenzeslaus looked out on the poon of Lima…
When his money lay round about, offered her a Zima…

For a small country, that Prince is one big fucking player.

-For the gals: Round two with Taylor Kitsch. Pfft. Looks like an overeater to me.

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“Let’s get stinko.”
-Tommy Reagan.

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Aaron Ross MS Paint Job by Tunison.

Everybody wants to know about the overtime situation. Whatever happened had no bearing on the outcome of the game. That's all that matters. We all know the rules now. There is no need to waste any more time on the subject. If you want some answers, check out my website (www.DonovanMcNabb.com) where my press conference from today is available.

What you won't find from that press conference that is supposed to preview the Ravens game this week is anything about this week's game. So I'll share my thoughts here.

The Ravens are a good team. Their defense h...BAH ...TOO NOISY!

Moving on. Bottom line is — McNabb's not stupid, he's a smart guy, but made a terrible decision to admit that in the press conference which ultimately will probably seal his fate in Philly unless they go on a sick run to end the season. But honestly — it's not like the dude took a knee.

Yesterday, in an odd show of solidarity, the rest of the league seemingly rose up to defend McNabb. Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and, official athlete blog spokesman, Braylon Edwards said there are plenty of other players in the league who didn't know that after the first overtime ends, the game is over. Maybe true, but it seems more like a way of the league's players protecting their own. One former NFL player who wasn't sticking up for McNabb is Warren Sapp, who shared his thoughts on "Inside the NFL":

When I heard him say it I almost passed out,” Sapp said on this week’s Inside the NFL. “I thought, ‘This will follow you for the rest of your career.’ Your legacy in the league, Donovan, will be throwing up in the Super Bowl, Rush Limbaugh and now, ‘I didn’t know there were ties in the NFL.’”

At least he didn't call him a bitch.

This Week [Yardbarker]

• Just Call Him Hanging Chad. The Cincinnati Bengals deactivated receiver Chad Ocho Cinco for tonight's game against the Steelers, so adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly. The reason: Violating a team rule. That takes in a LOT of territory, especially when you're talking about Ocho. But that's all the team's saying. T.J. Houshmandzadeh will get even more catches, I suppose. [NBCSports]

• Oh Sweet Merciful Baby Jesus, Make It Stop. Speculation has resumed about Brett Favre's retirement plans, according to the New York Post, which writes: "This offseason figures to contain plenty of drama surrounding Favre's future." For his part, Favre says he "has absolutely no idea" if he's coming back. [New York Post]

• Role Model, Indeed. Spotting a homeless man outside of a Cinemark Theatre in Dallas, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo paid for the guy to come inside and sit with him and a friend for the movie. The featured selection? Role Model. Bonus quote: Romo, who confirmed the story but didn't want to elaborate, waved Doc over to sit by him and his friend. Doc sheepishly mentioned that he hadn't showered in a few days. "Don't worry about that," Romo said. "I'm used to locker rooms." [Dallas Morning News]

• X-box, Here I Come. Terrell Owens reports flu-like symptoms, Dallas Cowboys excuse him from practice on Wednesday. This can't be considered bad news for the 49ers, who play the Cowboys on Sunday. [Star Telegram]

• Driver's Father In Trouble. The father of Green Bay Packers receiver Donald Driver was involved in an altercation with Houston police on Wednesday and is in the hospital, family members said. Police said Driver was arrested for outstanding traffic warrants and was found to be "unresponsive" upon his arrival at jail. Paramedics transported him to the hospital, they said. Key graph from story: As they beat him and forced him to swallow something, the officers told Marvin Driver Jr. he was "going to see Jesus," according to relatives and community activist Quanell Evans, who identified himself as Quanell X.

The rally was for Lake Highlands' playoff-bound football and volleyball teams, and Smith was evidently in town to promote his latest movie, Seven Pounds. And Romo was there because, Jessica was shopping nearby? Anyway, Smith says something interesting at about the 9:30 mark on the video, saying: "This is the first high school I've visited in about nine years." Considering that his son, Trey, is a sophomore receiver at Oaks Christian High near Los Angeles, that's actually kind of sad.

Besides, fans at Oaks Christian, the night I was there, said that Smith has been to several games. So somebody's lyin'!

As you can see, Smith actually played reporter and asked about Romo's injured finger. I couldn't really make out a lot of what Romo was saying. Who would have thought that a gymnasium pep rally where Tony Romo and Will Smith make an impromptu appearance would be so noisy?

Will Smith, Tony Romo Light Up Lake Highlands Pep Rally [HS GameTime]
Tony Romo And Will Smith At HS Pep Rally [NESW Sports]

One thing the National Football League is definitely not talking about is the whole point spread issue. As one astute reader even pointed out to us, an AP story about the game that appeared on NFL.com was exactly like the AP story that appeared every where else in the world, with just one minor omission.

"The call affected betting on the game since the Steelers were 5-point favorites and would have covered if the touchdown counted."

That was the last sentence of the story as written, but we guess NFL.com had space constraints or something because it was cut from the version that appeared on their website. Problem solved!

So that was quietly swept under the rug, but the league is loudly considering an actual substantive change based on the referee's blown call. There has been talk about changing the replay rules (before the playoffs start) to allow officials on the field to go back and consult with the replay booth more than once per challenge. That way both zebra crews will have an extra opportunity to properly screw things up.

But at times like these, it's important to consider the real heroes who have been most affected by these trying times—the bookies. Maybe you're not sympathetic to their plight, but that's probably because your bookie is a heartless thug who steals your soul as he picks your pocket and not an adorable stay-at-home mom who smells like fresh chocolate chip cookies and runs a sports book out of her kitchen. Yes, Bookie Mom—the world's best bet-taking recipe-sharing video-blogger—was quite pleased with how things worked out. And gracious in victory, too.

She's definitely my new favorite MILTPATTPW (Mom I'd Like To Place A Three-Team Parlay With).

• Bookie Mom [Bookiemom.com]
• Referee says officials errantly voided Steelers TD [AP/Yahoo]
• Referee says officials errantly voided Steelers TD [AP/NFL]
• Clearing Up The San Diego Chargers/Pittsburgh Steelers End Of Game Issues [Sports Agent Blog]
• NFL Might Modify Replay Procedure [Washington Post]
• A Bad Beat for Chargers-Steelers [ESPN]
• REFS MAKING ALL RIGHT CALLS? DON'T BET ON IT [Free Lance-Star]

The New York Jets were fired up after their victory over the dastardly Patriots last Thursday night and rightly so, considering all that was on the line. But no one was more excited than the ol' gunslinger, Brett Favre, who shared an unreserved embrace with Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum after the victory that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about both men. After the jump, enjoy their exchange in the tunnel at Gillette Stadium. Team Favre-rica....

Full video of all Jets coming into tunnel can be found here

To quote the Rolling Stone story from last year:

"Come on, Adriana, make it real," Rose barked, pausing mid-coitus. "Stop faking!"

On that warm weekend evening in the spring of 1987, engineer Vic Deyglio had set up a top-of-the-line vocal microphone to capture the sounds of Rose and Smith having sex — and at one point, he had to dash into the booth to adjust the mike as they went at it. "It was like a Ron Jeremy set in there," Deyglio recalls. Smith wanted to get back at Guns n' Roses drummer Steven Adler for cheating on her — and had always liked the singer better anyway. "I would do anything Axl asked me to do," says Smith, now a forty-year-old mom. "He's fuckin' magical."

The punchline comes at the end of course: Adriana Smith is now a 40-year-old mom. The other punchline is that Deyglio was credited on the album sleeve as "fucking engineer," which I suppose makes sense. Ah, Guns 'N Roses. Where have you been all these years?

Now that we're a mere five days from the release of "Chinese Democracy" — and what better day to release an album people have been awaiting for 15 years than the Sunday before Thanksgiving? — I've been listening to a lot of G'N'R, and doing a lot of thinking. The first time I heard "Appetite," I was 12 years old and absolutely scandalized. (That controversial — and unlike most things that were controversial in the eighties, it's still pretty controversial — painting of the robot and naked lady got the album banned from my record store at the mall. I had to buy it at the pawn shop downtown.) Do you realize how much it fried my 12-year-old, center-parted, mulleted, farm boy brain to hear "get nothing for nothing/'cause that's what you do/turn around bitch/I got a use for you?" Heavens. This was definitely an album I had to hide from my youth minister.

By the time the "Use Your Illusion" albums came out, I was almost 16 and therefore tons more mature. As much as I enjoyed those records, they were short-lived; it wouldn't be long until I finally discovered "Nevermind," and after that, everything was different. But listening to the "Illusion" albums lately, they hold up better than I remembered. They still should be cut down to just one album, though. Here's my suggestion for the eight songs for that theoretically streamlined, face-melting record.

1. Bad Obsession. (the closest they ever came to the Rolling Stones, complete with cowbell)
2. Double Talkin' Jive. (just for the opening riff)
3. Dead Horse. (which led to what's still my favorite Deadspin headline of all time)
4. Civil War. (seriously, what is so civil about war anyway? Honestly, this song is pretty dumb, but I still love it.)
5. Yesterdays. (totally underrated song. This should have been a bigger hit as a single.)
6. Pretty Tied Up (The Perils Of Rock & Roll Decadence). (all hail Izzy. "Where's Izzy?")
7. Locomotive (Complicity). (the big "epic" song off "Illusion II" that doesn't feel completely bloated.)
8. November Rain. (the song absolutely seems ridiculous now, but it still doesn't compare to the video, which I want to be shown on a loop if I ever make it to heaven. I still can't get over the part where Slash is like, "Fuck it dude, I'm just gonna rock out this solo right in front of this here church." I just felt bad he didn't have a cliff to throw the guitar over when his solo was done.)

I highly recommend you watch that full video again before continuing with your workday. It's well worth it. It's crazy that anyone ever let Axl make that.

Anyway, in less than a week, the album will be out, and everyone will get free Dr. Peppers. The early reviews are positive, but at this point, does it matter? The success is that it's here at all. Axl is the same age as Herschel Walker, Star Jones, M.C. Hammer, Emilio Estevez, Hannah Storm, Clyde Drexler, Tom Cruise, Kool Moe Dee, Joan Cusack, Doug Flutie and William "Refrigerator" Perry. This album is here just so the rest of us can move on with our lives. (I mean, this album once had Shaq on it.) And I ask Axl not to make a video. I don't think I can jive this new, tubbier, dreadlocked, goateed Axl with the one who scared me as a child. I don't know anyone could.

That said: I absolutely cannot fucking wait to listen to this album. I suspect many of you still feel the same way. I'm Axl Shimmying in my chair just thinking about it.

32. Detroit Lions (0-10). I was actually at Bank of America Stadium to watch this shitshow Sunday, which was disappointing, because it wasn't all that much of a shitshow. (Neither Daunte Culpepper nor Kevin Smith looked half bad, actually.) Not that this has made Rod Marinelli feel any better; now even the local reporters are openly questioning whether or not he's lost his mind.)

"You're in this dark tunnel and you've got no way out," he said. "You're waiting for light, and you see that light, what do you do? What do you do?

You start digging and getting out. ... I've always believed you stay in the tunnel and you keep digging when you expect no light.

"You have the same faith when you expect no light. You have the same belief in what you're doing when you expect no light. ... It's dark and I'm going to dig through. My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."

Totally, man. Not even Jim Fassel would beg for this job.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-8). Sorry, but when you fall behind like 35-3 at halftime against a team coached by Mike "Droopypants" Singletary, you fall behind even your in-state "rivals" to the west. The best angle on that game was the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bernie Miklasz's interview with Mike Martz and Isaac Bruce, who both showed sympathy for the Rams' current plight. That's right: Mike Martz is feeling bad for you. There's always a smaller fish, I suppose.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9). What would be the equivalent of Herman Edwards turning around this franchise in the next few years? How about the ultimate irony of Rupert Murdoch being the last true believer in, and savior of, newspaper journalism. Bet nobody saw that coming. Read that link. He's absolutely right, which is even more frightening and astounding. Mike Royko is turning over in his grave.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-8). While searching for great Raiders blogs on the Web, I came across this outstanding one. It was updated once, simply with a picture of JaMarcus Russell and the following "post:" 12/02/07 - JaMarcus Russell made his NFL debut today as the Raiders defeated the Denver Broncos 34-20. Russell looked solid as he completed 4 of 7 passes for 56 yards. The rookie quarterback's first NFL completion was a bullet to Jerry Porter near the sideline. That's as good a time as any to stop.

28. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1). Because the Carolina Panthers have established themselves as a Super Bowl contender, it's time to make a switch in these rankings. The honor transfers from the Panthers to the Bengals. So: Palin Watch! It's somewhat comforting that, over the last few years, our politics and our celebrity culture has merged. (It certainly seems inherently democratic.) First you had those Barack Obama Shirtless On The Beach photos, also known as the "christ, that asshole is better than me at everything" shots. Now come the Sarah Palin beach shots. It's nice to know she had some time to relax at the Republican powwow last week; it must have worn her out dodging all the hitmen Tim Pawlenty hired. (And yes. I just made a Tim Pawlenty joke. This is what we've come to.)

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8). When I first moved to New York in 2000, my roommate shared my obsession with playing NCAA Hoops on the Playstation. Neither of us had a lot of friends, so we played it a lot. We even picked 32 teams and played an ongoing tournament. The game had a glitch in it, though, and there was a shooting guard for Georgetown who consistently shot about 95 percent from 3-point range, no matter where he was on the court. Naturally, because I was fortunate enough to choose Georgetown, I fully took advantage of this bug and won the whole tournament with the Hoyas. When I won the last game, because I am lame, I taunted my roommate. With signature deadpan, he pointed out that we shouldn't forget that I won because of a programming mistake, so I should shut the hell up. That's kind of how I feel about the fact that the Buzzsaw apparently is going to win this division. Sure. It's great. I'm happy it's happening. But when you look at this division, it's because of a glitch. I shouldn't forget that.

26. Houston Texans (3-7). Yes, the economy is collapsing and we're all screwed. This is well established. Thankfully, it's still important to remember what really matters. The front page story of The New York Times Web site most of the day yesterday? The tale of a 12-year-old food critic. I love this town.

25. San Francisco 49ers (3-7). Mike Huckabee is lashing out! While flying to Charlotte this weekend on JetBlue, I caught part of "Huckabee," the Fox News show the presidential candidate hosts. Huckabee is always complimented on being a "telegenic" politician. After watching this show, I find this about as damning a statement about politicians as I can imagine. Huckabee hosts the show like he's filming it on a Camcorder on his back porch. He had Michael Strahan on as a guest, and Strahan had the look of a man who was doing a favor for a neighbor's son who's working on a project for his AV class. "Huckabee" is the political equivalent of "The Magic Hour." Discuss.

24. San Diego Chargers (4-6). Actually, continuing on this front: Norv Turner is the coaching equivalent of "Huckabee." Now that I think about it, feel free not to discuss.

23. Buffalo Bills (5-5). Any time the Bills and Browns play — both the closest the NFL have to "cursed" franchises — it's going to be particularly painful for someone. Why couldn't this game have been the one that ended in a tie? That'll do it for the Bills, obviously. I look forward to Vincent Gallo's son making a movie in 20 years about trying to track down and kill Rian Lindell.

22. Cleveland Browns (4-6). I got to interview Q-Tip for the magazine this week. He was performing "Go New York Go," his "theme song" for the Knicks this season. It'll be playing at every Knicks home game this year. Q-Tip's trying to make a comeback after about a decade since his last album. He's a very nice man, and his new record's plenty good, but I'll say this: Being the official songster for the Knicks can't be the most ideal way to bring yourself back into the public consciousness.

21. Chicago Bears (5-5). Before Sunday, I thought the Bears had a chance to go 11-5. Now I'm not sure they're going to win another game. That said, they could still win the division. Put it this way: For all the justified talk about how easy the Buzzsaw has had it while compiling their five-game division lead, they're 3-3 outside their division. The Bears and the Packers, two of the three division leaders in the NFC North, are both 2-4. (The Vikings, also "leading," are 3-3. So they have that.)

20. Minnesota Vikings (5-5). And therefore, they go here.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6). Sticking with the theme, the Jaguars are going to decide the NFC North this year: They play all three of the division leaders in the next four weeks. Is there anyone who will be even slightly surprised if they win all three?

18. Green Bay Packers (5-5). And now we wrap up the Norris. Of all the features I put together in this column, my favorite is the glance at the top story in the Green Bay Press-Gazette every Monday. Honestly, it's like if Mattoon had an NFL team. Today's winner? "An International Cooking Knight on Sunday at St. Norbert College brought dozens of students together to sample different foods and raise awareness of world issues." Sometimes I can just get lost in this newspaper.

17. New Orleans Saints (5-5). I find it astounding, really, that a man like Mark Cuban, who clearly knows more than anyone on earth about ethics — seriously, no one else even comes close — would be accused of insider trading. Fellow bloggers! All the hard work we put in to take down Cuban seems to have finally worked! Good work, gentlehumans. Whom should we go after next?

By the way, I live in terror that someday Lester Munson will write about me. That's a sign matters have gone very wrong.

16. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1). It is beyond comprehension that Donovan McNabb did not know the NFL had tie games. Could this possibly be true? I mean, McNabb has always seemed like a semi-intelligent guy. How would he not know this? He plays professional football, for crying out loud. And even if you're willing to grant that he might not have known going into the game, how could he have not known midway through overtime? With all the problems they've had with clock management and two-minute drills in the past, when you realize that Andy Reid didn't even tell his quarterback that the game could end in a tie, he's like the physics genius who puts his pants on backwards. Except it's looking like, in this analogy, Reid isn't very good at math either.

Seriously, I know everyone's already talked this to death. I still can't wrap my brain around it.

15. Miami Dolphins (6-4). This year's Oscar movie that I dislike that everyone else loves? Slumdog Millionaire I saw this movie on Friday and, as pretty as Danny Boyle makes everything, this is the dumbest, most trumped up "love story" I can remember. This is the cinematic equivalent of whippets. It's all brief sensation, and when it's over, you've done nothing but kill a bunch of brain cells. Every year, I get an American Beauty or a Crash, a film the rest of the planet inexplicably adores. Here's this year's version.

14. Denver Broncos (6-4). A reason to cheer against Denver-area sports teams? When one of them goes deep into the playoffs, Rick Reilly inevitably decides that he's not leaving his suburban Rocky Mountain strip mall and just writes a piece about How Crazy Colorado Fans Are About Their Team. Rick Reilly gives us all hope that, someday, we can make "ballplayer money" to tap out 800 words a week and occasionally host "Pardon The Interruption" poorly. A colleague of mine at New York sent out the best email this week. "It's fun to read every rick reilly column pretending it's a satirical McSweeney's Rick Reilly column.

'They called the fight that killed Barry Scott a mismatch, but Barry Scott vs. life was a mismatch, wasn't it?'"

That pretty much sums it up.

13. Baltimore Ravens (6-4). It's not really fair to drop them this much after a blowout loss to the best team in football — and it will be nice when Tennessee finally loses so we can all quit pretending that anyone's close to as good as the Giants are right now — but them's the breaks. Their schedule down the stretch is brutal. They'll be lucky to finish 8-8.

12. New England Patriots (6-4). Something I'd forgotten about Matt Cassel: He was actually second string at USC before losing out to Matt Leinart. The depth chart was Palmer, Cassel, Leinart. And now he looks like the best one. Fun factoid: Everyone kept claiming that Cassel's Week 2 start was his first start since high school. This is not actually true. He started one game for the Trojans at tight end. He did not catch a pass.

11. Washington Redskins (6-4). Sorry, you can't lose at home to a guy whose finger is almost falling off, and a team that looked like it has had just about enough of their owner's horrifying face screaming at them. By the way, whoever gets that final wild-card spot in the NFC looks like they're going to travel to the Pink Taco for the opening game. So, you know, plenty of seats available.

10. Atlanta Falcons (6-4). I have a sinking feeling that the feel-good story of Matt Ryan is going to end with four straight losses. We'll leave them here for now even though it'll anger Broncos fans, justifiably. But hey: Vick's going to be out of prison soon. Let's put him in Kansas City. God it would be fun to see him and Herm hang out.

9. Dallas Cowboys (6-4). It's worth noting that it has been more than a year and a half since Tank Johnson has been arrested. Way to go, Tank! Speaking of headlines I'm particularly proud of, here's an excerpt from "This is Why He's Not Known As Feelings Johnson."

Cops raided his house yesterday, supposedly looking for drugs (Tank has now been arrested three times since joining the Bears). They found "a cache of unregistered guns and assault rifles — some loaded," and we love that the Chicago Tribune added that ominous "some loaded" at the end, because otherwise we'd have no idea what people do with guns. They also found Willie B. Posey, who had two ounces of the ganga on him during the raid; he was busted too. Oh, and they also found Johnson's girlfriend and their two kids, around the guns and the ganja and the Willie Posey.

Posey was found dead only a couple of days later. Tank's a lot more boring when he's behaving.

8. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (7-3). Next week, if the Cowboys can beat the 49ers and the Buzzsaw win at home against the Giants, the Cardinals will clinch the NFC West. (They've beaten the 49ers twice, so there goes that tiebreaker.) The Cardinals aren't beating the Giants, of course, which is why I make the following unsolicited recommendation to Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt: Start Leinart. Make up some fake injury for Warner. The Giants' pass rush is going to kill somebody this Sunday, and since we're probably not going to win anyway, why not let it be Leinart? Not only does it keep Warner safe, but Leinart's death will resolve any quarterback controversy over the summer. And it will make sure, finally, that Brynn Cameron's support checks show up on time. Think it over, Ken.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3). Yeah, still pretty worried about these guys. Meanwhile, I would like to remind you that Mike Lupica is still writing about politics. I hate it when people who made their name in sports start thinking they can write about pol— ... you know, forget I said that.

6. New York Jets (7-3). I'm officially a believer. (And have 400 words of sterling magazine copy to prove it!) Even if the Jets lose this week, and they probably will, they're probably making the playoffs now. Any guesses on which wild-card round playoff game Peter King will end up covering?

5. Indianapolis Colts (6-4). Now that Eliot Spitzer has crawled out of his hole — figuratively speaking! — to join the national conversation again, Politico and The New Republic have a suggestion: If Hillary Clinton is named Secretary of State, Gov. Paterson of New York should replace her with Spitzer. That would rule. Now that we've broken through with a black president, our next barrier to overcome is a presidential candidate who has openly had unprotected anal sex with prostitutes.

Yes we can! Yes we can!

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3). Now that Earnest Graham is out for the year, it's time for Cadillac Williams to make his triumphant return, before collapsing halfway through the second quarter and missing the next four seasons. To remind: At one point, at Auburn, the running backs were Cadillac, Ronnie Brown and Brandon Jacobs.

3. Carolina Panthers (8-2). For a story for Sporting News magazine — in case you don't know, I write a regular column (complete with stupid mugshot) in every issue — I sat in the press box for the Panthers-Lions game Sunday. It was the first time I'd sat in a press box in 12 years, and I have no desire to do so again for another 12 years. (The column is about how awful it is to sit in a press box.) Nobody bothered me, and, frankly, I don't think anyone in the whole stadium made a sound. It was like watching a football game in an aquarium. I kept tapping the glass to see if I could get the players to notice me.

2. New York Giants (9-1). I have learned my lesson from past years: It is an extremely poor decision to go to a bar in New York City and watch my Buzzsaw play the Giants in public. I'll be on the couch for this one. It makes it easier to hide the vomit.

1. Tennessee Titans (10-0). They have to beat the Jets this week, because losing to the winless Lions on Thanksgiving Day would be the 21st century equivalent of the Leon Lett play. It would be the one thing you and your family could find to talk about it. Let's make this happen.

I hereby dub 2008 as the Year of the Lesbianic Sports Kiss. This truly is a Golden Age, is it not? More photos, including the windup and the pitch, right here.

Wonder if these girls later adjourned to the 300 level women's restroom?

Happy Hour, Last Call [Sparty And Friends]

With staph infections running rampant in the NFL these days, it's nice of random fans to warn us of potential hazards. That's a rather nasty case of it under that Browns supporter's hat, apparently. Stay away from that area, Kellen Winslow!

Plus, I'm not sure which Teletubby that is there, but we'll call him Brady in honor of Mr. Quinn's first victory as Browns' starting quarterback. The Bills lost when Ryan Lindell missed a 47-yard field goal attempt wide right in the waning seconds. Um, 47 yards, wide right, Bills ... that kind of sounds familiar. Well played, Browns ... now hit the showers! But um, use lots of soap.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:55 — The Browns kneel down on the final play, as if they quit.

I have nothing else to say tonight, other than if these teams were any better and/or in bigger markets, it'd be the talk of the town tomorrow morning. Instead, the Great Lakes area will get to embrace this game as their own. See everyone next liveblog, except for those who don't pay their cable bill.

11:52 — Once Buffalo finds out that MNF mentioned Scott Norwood before this kick, they're probably going to write several angry letters to ESPN. Did I mention the letters will be frozen solid and without personality? The 46-yard miss gives the Browns the win, avoiding another 13-point blown lead. Aww, too bad.

11:52 — Lynch runs. Browns call ... your mom.

11:51 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:50 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:49 — Jaws: "You don't have to get all this in one throw." But what if he does? Edwards zings it to the 35-yard line and now Lindell has the chance to win the game. Cue the footage of Lindell making FGs this long before the game. Ah, right on schedule.

11:48 — With 1:33 left, the Bills need to goal the field themselves. And in the Thanksgiving spirit, the Browns brought with them from the Cuyahoga a plump turkey, stuffing, and great field position on the kickoff. Buffalo's on the 44-yard line.

11:46 — Cue the footage of kickers teeing off before the game ... now cue the footage of the kicker pulling it right ... hey! Who gave Dawson the ability to nail that one? The 56-yarder inches the Browns ahead by two. MORE FIELD GOALS.

29 27

11:45 — Second and third down weren't much better either. Dawson needs to blast it from a semi-wind-aided 56 yards away.

11:44 — And now for the two-minute drill ... an auspicious start as it rattles in the arms of the Bills' Leodis McKelvin and drops to the ground.

11:41 — How was Quinn not sacked? (A: Nobody hit him.) Quinn to Winslow brings a warning that only two minutes remain in the game. The National Weather Service has not yet downgraded this to a Two Minute Watch.

11:39 — Cribbs gives the Browns a 33-yard line of possession. 2:17 left.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #4
A 10-minute, sudden death, 7-on-7, no punts or field goals, no timeouts, no clock stoppage session of football. But the real twist is that the game will have already been declared a tie after four quarters, but since the players don't know that, and seem to do whatever the coaches say, it'll make for quite the exciting session of football and subsequent hilarious post-game conference.

11:37 — The Browns let them score.

26 27

11:36 — There's 2:35 left in the game. Maybe the Browns should just let them score.

11:35 — Now it's Marshawn Lynch's turn to run through the Brownsicles and dive for the endzone. He's ruled down at the one. Ew. "Brownsicle."

11:33 — The Williams have five minutes to touch it down. They're already past midfield.

11:31 — Do you like incompletions to Braylon Edwards that were well covered? Because we have two in a row for you! Act now, operators are standing by. Well, some are.

11:25 — Interception .. this time by the non-Trent Edwards developing quarterback. Ko Simpson dives gracefully and picks that shit off Quinn's arm. OR DID I JUST LIE TO YOU? Replays show the ball might've hit the ground between his arms. Cleveland's challenge is successful and the pass is just incomplete, and Trent Edwards is the only goat who throws picks in this game. Quinn is perfect, glimmering, and ... I shouldn't be having these feelings inside me right now.

11:21 — Great Moments In Punting History: Cribbs fair catching Moorman's kick will not be one of them. It was just meh.

11:19 — Great Moments In Obscure Stat History. Apparently a Stanford quarterback has never thrown a touchdown pass to a Cal-Berkeley player in the NFL, Tirico notes. (Kornheiser: "EVER!?!?!") If Edwards can dump one off to Lynch, that trend will end.

11:16 — Trying to prevent a huge gain by McKelvin, they pop up the kickoff and Fred Jackson returns it to the 40-yard line. Field position crisis averted!

11:13 — A point blank shot by Phil Dawson gives 'em a two-field goal lead.

26 20

11:12 — You felt this happening deep in your pancreas. Fourth and goal.

11:10 — And a nation outside of Cleveland is finally finding out who this Jerome Harrison guy is. He already has a career high in rushing yards (80) and gets a 21-yard catch down the sideline.

11:07 — Oh my. Kawika Mitchell pushes Harrison out of bounds and into a bench. Harrison stayed on the ground for a while, and Mitchell brings the flagginess for 15 yards. Thing is, replays show Harrison was still in bounds when the shove occurred. Per rule, Dwyane Wade will get two free throws.

11:07 — And back to incomplete passes by Brady Quinn. BOR-RING.

11:06 — Actually, the referees correct the kickoff play and since it went out of bounds at the 43-yard line, the ball will be placed there. Three yards of gain already and the ball hasn't been touched yet.

11:05 — That's not a touchdown. That's a kickoff out of bounds, which puts the ball at the 40-yard line. It also is currently the worst yardage gain by the Browns so far in the fourth.

11:02 — Sweet Klondike madness. Everybody is running great distances except for me. Leodis McKelvin responds to the 72-yard KO punch with a left hook of his own in the form of a kickoff TD. Two plays this quarter, two touchdowns. If this keeps up, we're looking at a 113-110 final score, which I can safely say will probably happen.

23 20

10:58 — Mildly ... unexpected. Backup back Jerome Harrison bursts through a bunch of Billsicles for 72 yards and a safe 10-point lead.

23 13

Third Quarter

10:56 — Romeo Crennel's mustache looks over-trimmed. Did anyone tell him this? Or is he just such a players' coach that nobody has the heart to tell him it doesn't look as venerable.

10:52 — Tirico: "No team has ever blown three straight 13-point leads." Go, history, go!

10:49 — Field goals just RULE. They should change the rules so that nothing but field goals can be scored. Lindell brings the Bills to within ... ANOTHER FIELD GOAL.

16 13

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #3
Final Jeopardy. Category: "Innovations In Nanotechnology." All part of a plan to make tiebreakers shorter than if the category was "NFL Rules." Also, players answering the question must wager Madden Rating points in next year's video game.

10:44 — I'm going to mark down "Tony Tries To Find Something Jaws Doesn't Know About Football" as Kornheiser poses the thought that a quarterback can have "too much time" in the pocket. (It didn't work, as you can tell.)

10:42 — It's too cold for anyone to slide feet first, it seems. Edwards scrambles down the middle and gets whumped. But it doesn't count, as offsetting penalties replay the down. Which means Edwards doesn't have a huge throbbing pain in his head right now. It didn't happen.

10:41 — I'm no lip-reader, but I'm pretty sure the field mic just picked up an errant "fucking horseshit" on that kick return.

10:37 — Just when Jaworski says anything disapproving or commending of either quarterback, either QB seems to negate the analysis and do the opposite ting in the next set of downs. Case in point, after a huge pass to Edwards near the 20-yard line, Quinn got his team into a 3rd and 17 hole, so they salvage a field goal.

16 10

10:34 — It sure was nice of Comcast to show the same James Bond commercial twice in a row.

10:30 — Quinn, with ample tracts of land ahead of him, runs for the first down, and gets out of bounds in the Bills sideline. He'll come to learn as a quarterback that you'll last longer if you run toward your own sideline.

10:26 — Interception by the Brow... wait, fumble? I didn't know there was another method of turnover that Buffalo was capable of. Shaun Smith's injury replacement Ahtyba Rubin jumps on the dropped ball.

10:24 — Shaun Smith was the injured Brown, adding him to the triage list with Sean Jones, who was hurt earlier. This leaves Shaun Rogers as the first string Shaun on the team. And, aw what the hell, why not throw in a fat joke. He's also the team's second-string Shaun.

10:23 — This injury timeout reminds me the decapitation rate in this game seems to be considerably lower than other MNF games.

10:17 — On third down, Winslow with a huge if-there-was-no-penalty-that'd-be-a-first-down catch.

10:15 — And we're back to action. Both quarterbacks are shaky, and Michel Tafoya stands on a sideline with a microphone to say this through the coach's words. Also, Mike Tirico uses the rosiness of Tafoya's nose to determine the weather on the field. He also uses the same tactic in the bedroom. Rawr.

Halftime Entertainment Video

If only this clip was the origin of the idiom "walking on eggshells." It is, however, the origin of "they'll put anyone on TV."

Old Man Jumps On Eggs Without Breaking Them - Watch more Free Videos

"Oh yes, it's definitely been jumped on." My goal tomorrow is to use that line, WITH the affected accent, in conversation without arousing suspicion.

Second Quarter

9:59 — Well then. It's almost like Edwards wanted the clock to run out. I mean, that's good protection by the offensive line, but ... how about giving the field goal a chance? He finally throws the ball out of bounds with three seconds left, giving Rian Lindell three more points on his resume to end the half.

13 10

9:57 — Hmm. Edwards got some yards, but running up the middle for 4 yards probably isn't the smartest call right now. He also hesitates to call a timeout, because, well, maybe there's a better option with 15 seconds left in the first half and the clock running. Like punt.

9:55 — Lynch dives for the outlet pass, gets back up and scrambles to the sideline for the first down, stopping the clock with :30 left.

9:54 — WILDCAT FORMATION. What iPhones are to bloggers, Wildcat is to NFL offenses. It's new, and because it's new it's better than everything else.

9:53 — The Bills have two minutes and about 30 yards to get some kind of pointage. Running it with Marshawn Lynch ... good idea, but not right now. They might have to use the forward pass now.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #2
Penalty kicks. Kickers alternate making field goals starting at 30 yards and adding five yards every time. In the event both kickers make a 60 yard field goal, the kickers meet at midfield and have declare a thumb war.

9:49 — There's a raging debate on what the meaning of the word "quit" is, and whether or not the Browns fit that description. Might I remind everyone, the Browns lead a football game by six points on the road against a team with a winning record.

9:40 — Apple pie à la Beast Mode. The short pass turns into a moderately-long touchdown, and it's no longer an icy blowout.

13 7

9:39 — Unfortunately, Kornheiser said what I was thinking, only I couldn't make it into a joke, but he up 'n went with the "Coe-Ed" angle.

9:38 — Solid run by Coe College's Fred Jackson. Those MNF guys really like saying Coe College. Coe College. Hey, that is fun!

9:36 — SPORTSCENTERNEWSDESK UPDATE. In case you were hiding in your Avian flu bunker all day, Mark Cuban is being investigated for insider trading. Then again, is it REALLY privileged information that a search engine not named Google or Yahoo would quickly tank?

9:33 — Finally, a quarterback for the Browns scores a touchdown in this game. No, not that one. Endaround to The Pride Of Kent State, Josh Cribbs, is good for a 2-yard TD.

13 0

9:30 — Also, Jamal Lewis runs well even today. Didn't know that.

9:26 — Stop the snark, everyone. Quinn is leading these dudes downfield quite well. A photon laser to Braylon Edwards puts the ball on the good 32-yard line.

9:23 — Finally, the Browns got themselves a third down. And all it took was a penalty on the Bills' secondary. Really, this game's just about seeing who fucks up less. Maybe the Browns would be wise to just kneel thrice and punt.

9:22 — Jeez, the Browns sure know how to reach third down quickly. (It's one of their positives.)

First Quarter

9:19 — Great coffin punt by Moorman to pin the ball inside the 5-yard line. Really, if the team was just Moorman punting to McKelvin, they'd be down by fewer points right now. Also, see if you can spot the difference, Tony K.: George Catavalous, defensive backs coach. George Costanza, freelance architect.

9:18 — Well, that incompletion wasn't Edwards' fault. But it's less fun if we don't have a scapegoat.

9:16 — I kid Trent Edwards, but he no longer has more interceptions than he does completions. Because now, they're the same number (three).

9:16 — Leodis McKelvin gets another solid return. Maybe he should just line up at quarterback. Might as well.

9:14 — Another field goal for Cleveland, because getting a touchdown would be silly and rude.

6 0

9:12 — Mr. Owl, how many interceptions does it take to get a Tootsie quarterback benched?

(Brandon McDonald got this one.)

9:11 — Buffalo takes a 30-second timeout. They have 30-second timeouts? That'll be confusing if they have those in the playoffs.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #1
Teams line up at midfield, and whichever referee blew the worst call the week before will flip a coin in the air, and the home team captain must call it in the air. Whoever wins the toss gets to pick which team wins and loses. The other team picks what side of the field they want to defend.

9:06 — Gak. Coming out of commercial, the camera found a the shirtless Buffalo fan who painted a Bills logo on his chest, then emptied out the last few drops of his shame by brandishing "ESPN" in red letters (catsup, most likely) on his belly. Don't ask where the "Sportscenter is Next" tattoo resides.

9:03 — Brian Moorman generously kicks the ball to the other team. So much for running the ball all the time. Shaun Rogers is just too fat for that to work.

9:02 — Could just be my cable feed, but during every play it sounds like someone is banging a screen door with a rubber mallet.

9:00 — As Kornheiser brings up Edwards' concussion, the evidence on the field contradicts the argument that his dinged up head is the reason for the two early picks. Clearly he's thinking soundly by handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch, preventing more interceptions. First down.

8:58 — Third and nope. The points are going to have to spring from Phil Dawson's kickin' loins.

3 0

8:52 — Quinn isn't gonna be anyone's whipping boy, he'll just bootleg that sucker to the right for a first down ... of course, Jaworski recommends that Quinn slide feet first, but that's something he'll quickly learn once Rodney Harrison disciples award Quinn his first NFL concussion sometime in 2009.

8:49 — Andra Davis gets in on the interception gangbang. Receptions by the Browns defense: 2. Receptions by the Bills offense: 1.

8:47 — Sure was nice of Willie McGinest to tackle Edwards forward for a yard.

8:44 — Brady Quinn sneaks an incomplete pass into the Browns first three-and-out, which is hopefully enough to subside the analysts ready to scrutinize his development.

8:42 — The Bills start with a good kickoff return, but felt they didn't deserve such nice field position, so Trent Edwards threw the ball into Shaun Rogers' hands, and it deflected into the gullet of an alert Kamerion Wimbley.

8:33 — Kornheiser: "Derek Anderson's QB rating was so low, if it was his body temperature, he'd be dead!" Either that or he'd have to marry this woman.

8:29 — The can't-get-a-football-job-anywhere-else guys in ESPN have made their predictions. It's almost a consensus pick for Buffalo, except for Keyshawn Johnson, who picked Cleveland because Ditka picked Buffalo. It's tough to argue that logic.

Pre-Game Babble

So Brady Quinn gets another start at night. Playing under the lights might be all he'll understand. Once he gets into the 1:00 fustercluck of games, and ESPN doesn't converge mob-style on his emergence as an NFL passer, perhaps he shrivels like a delicate flower and Tim Couchifies right on schedule.

Meanwhile, Buffalo is 5-4 and yet in last place in the AFC East by very little. A win puts them in 6-4, tied with New England and Miami, and one game behind the New Amsterdam Jets. Everybody's equal? I didn't sign up for no Animal Farm metaphor. Parity is only fun when you're playing Mario Kart and all the computer players keep beating each other and you can finish third all the time and still win the gold.

Also, it's cold in Buffalo tonight, which is urgent news. In preparation for being one with the common Buffalo fan, I will ice down my nipples after each change of possession.

Let's Fix The Tie Rule Tonight

If you've watched any TV or listened to any TV-less radio today, you will realize that the tie rule in the NFL is a travesty upon humanity and must be abolished immediately, because our ancestors sailed away from Europe for this very reason. True story. Someone must win or lose all the time. Even if both teams played great and the announcer says "you hate to see someone lose this game," the announcer is wrong and probably a dirty Welshman. Therefore, to do our part to stay part of North America, stay tuned throughout the live blog as we provide new and fun alternatives for breaking ties in the National Football League.

Tonight's Bingo Card