On the "SportsCenter" the night of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals' NFC Championship victory — and that's a phrase that will never look right, ever — ESPN ran a list of "unlikely playoff winners." The group of Buzzsaw fans I was with, a group that, as tends to happen, is now pretty much full of lifelong friends, groaned as we saw footage of the 2006 George Mason Patriots, some hockey team I knew nothing about and, amusingly, the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals.

Anyone who was around here back then will remember how that went down, my 6 a.m. drunken posts and dancing idiocy. (That World Series was also the start of DUAN.) But what most won't remember is how cynical I was about that team going into the playoffs. That is to say: I was pretty sick of watching them by the time National League Divisional Series began. I groused that this team didn't deserve to call themselves Cardinals, and my NLDS Game 1 live blog reads today like someone wanting his team wanting to hurry up and lose and get the pain overwith already. That was not a good team. They did not deserve to win the World Series. They got lucky. I am not complaining about this. It is simply fact.

I don't feel that way about this Arizona Cardinals run. This team is not getting lucky, or catching bad teams at the best possible time. This team has had the talent to do this all season, but they just never got it together. This playoff run — this NFC Championship run — involves a team finally tapping into the talent it had all along. The 2006 St. Louis Cardinals required Jeff Suppan and Jeff Weaver to turn into Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling overnight, and, somehow, insanely, they did. All this NFC Title run required was Larry Fitzgerald to remain Larry Fitzgerald, and the defensive unit to stay away from the snow. This is still shocking; it's the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl, after all. But this is not the impossible. This is a much better team than everyone thought. Those 2006 St. Louis Cardinals weren't.

Of course, this will seem more shocking to the rest of the sports world because, well, these are the Arizona Cardinals, and the notion of the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl is beyond normal human capacity for comprehension. And it's certainly shocking to me, who has spent more Sundays pleading with the bartender to switch the tiny black-and-white television in the back to the Cardinals than I care to count. (Everyone just assumes I'm watching the game for gambling purposes.) All I've ever wanted from this team was for someone to notice them. The NFL is the signature sporting conglomerate in the country, the massive monopoly that crushes all other sports in its path, and yet no one ever seemed aware that the 32nd team existed. I'd like to say that I was outraged by the slack-jawed, gaping "The Arizona Cardinals" coverage everyone has given this team for the last three weeks, but I can't. Why wouldn't they be dismissed? I always dismiss them too, and I never miss a game.

I feel like I've earned the right to wallow in this unprecedented achievement, but not as much as many of the people I met in Glendale this weekend. I can't claim to have sat in 110-degree heat at Sun Devil Stadium, for some reason tolerating the pain and sweat while the Cardinals lost by 30 points to the Giants and most of the upper level devolved into fisticuffs. That's the best kind of devotion: Devotion that has zero guarantee of ever paying off. This is not to say that I was 100 percent impressed with everyone at the Pink Taco. The general vibe at halftime — outside of my group of nervous, terrified diehards — was a little too gloating for my tastes, and, midway through the third quarter, when the momentum had clearly changed hands, a selection of idiots attempted to start The Wave. I began to worry that we didn't deserve this. That perhaps we were not ready.

And then that final drive, the huge plays by Tim Hightower (who, oddly, few people are talking about, even though he was a monster on that last drive), the two-point conversion, which was calming, which was "OK, so, if the worst case happens now, there's still overtime, and we'll be the only ones who know we have to score." When the Eagles made their last dash to tie it, University of Phoenix Stadium was, no doubt, louder than I have ever heard any building, at any sporting event, at any time. I was screaming too. This is different than baseball. Baseball is all buildup, and release. Football is one constant release.

It is worth noting that until Darnell Dockett fell to the ground after his "interception" on the final play, I didn't believe this would happen. (I screamed "FALL DOWN" louder than anything I'd screamed all day.) And then it happened, then it was over, then the Arizona Cardinals — the Arizona freaking Cardinals — were going to the Super Bowl. Everyone hugged, a few people teared up, mostly people looked like they'd just seen their grandmother do a triple somersault. It didn't make any sense. It came out of nowhere. Decades of pain, of pointlessness, erased in one ridiculous, preposterous two-week span. That was the only way it could have happened.

What's going to happen at the Super Bowl? Forgive me, but I really don't care. Obviously, I want the Buzzsaw to win, but mostly, I just want people to have to say "Pittsburgh Steelers vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS in the Super Bowl." I want those blank stares, those confused vocal inflections, those scoffing "what a crazy YEAR" sneers. No matter what happens on February 1, even if the Buzzsaw loses by 40 points, it'll never be the same to be an Arizona Cardinals fan again. It turns out: It really was worth all of it. Who knew? I sure didn't.

Five hours after the game, at a bar in Phoenix, our exhausted, piss-drunk gaggle of fans drank and watched Chris Berman, with a bewildered shake of his head, say the same thing Kurt Warner had said, and we had said to ourselves all day. "The Arizona Cardinals ... are in the Super Bowl." It'll never sound right. That's OK. It shouldn't sound right. It should sound amazing and new and absurd and wonderful and all of it. It should sound as startling as it was to watch it happen. And, somehow, it's true. I will not question it. I will not worry about it. I'll just drink it in, and marvel that the world is a strange place. And I will dodge the meteor. The Arizona Cardinals ... are in the Super Bowl.

(This picture contains every diehard Arizona Cardinals fan known to man. OK, actually, there's a Cowboys fan in there.)

I consulted with my Anonymous Lifelong Buzzsaw Season Ticket Holder Friend for this, to make sure I was getting the little details right. (He does live there, after all.) So let's get right into it. And sorry, Steelers and Ravens fans: This is replacing the Countdown column this week. We've got a lot to get to.

Did Arizona fans see this coming?

Well, no, obviously, but that doesn't mean we're totally shocked. Contrary to popular opinion, this was not the worst playoff team in NFL history. They breezed through the NFC West — something Dallas, Washington, and the Jets can't say, three teams that definitely wouldn't have been called The Worst Playoff Team in NFL history had they sneaked in — and hammered both the Bills and the eventual AFC East champion Dolphins. Now, to be sure, this is not the most sterling regular season resume you'll ever see, and skepticism was deserved, and shared by Buzzsaw fans. But this team was capable of doing something like this. It's just that no one thought they would.

Why does every person I see on television have a smirk on their face anytime they discuss the Buzzsaw?

Two reasons.

1. The Arizona Cardinals have been so horrible for so long that no media members have even the slightest inkling of respect for them. The majority haven't paid attention to them in two decades and have been waiting for the Cardinals to lose so they don't have to do any more research. The best example of this was Cris Carter, who, on Sunday night, called Cardinals linebacker Karlos Dansby, alternately, "Dansmon," "Dockett" and "Darnell Dansby." (Amusingly, Carter tried to cover his tracks by pointing out that Dansby was "great at Florida State." Dansby went to Auburn; defensive tackle Darnell Dockett went to Florida State.) It's difficult to blame anyone for this. There are 32 teams in the NFL, and each team has 53 roster spots. That's 1,696 players to keep track of. You have to end up ignoring somebody, and for the last 30-some-odd years, the most efficient team to ignore has been the Arizona Cardinals.

2. The Cardinals struggled down the stretch, but, most important, they struggled against East Coast teams down the stretch. The losses to Philadelphia and New England were probably the two most-watched Buzzsaw games of the season — with the possible exception of the "Monday Night Football" win over a pantsless Mike Singletary and the 49ers — and they were the two games in which the team played the worst. Fortunately, the Cardinals won't be playing any more games in the snow or with only three days rest. But after the Patriots' loss, NFL Planet decided that the Cardinals weren't worth paying attention to anymore. So they didn't.

Did Cardinals fans exist prior to this month?

Surprisingly, yes. When they moved to Arizona in 1988, blind excitement led the locals to sell out Sun Devil Stadium. Then they began to play, which did nothing to help ticket sales. For almost two decades the Cardinals consistently sold only 20-25,000 season tickets in a stadium that held 72,000.

That all changed in 2006. Even though the team went 5-11 in 2005, the new stadium brought 63,000 newly minted Cardinals fans. There have been 30 consecutive sellouts since the new stadium opened. So yes, there were fans before this month, before the team started winning playoff games. How many of them are "longtime" Cardinals fans? Probably only a third. Tops.

The bandwagon's definitely grown this month. But it's not like the Tampa Bay Rays having 13,000 fans at games in May and a packed, mohawked house for the World Series. The Cardinals have been selling out games for several years now.

How does the Pink Taco differ from Sun Devil Stadium?
(Note: This question's obviously being answered by the Anonymous Lifelong Buzzsaw Season Ticket Holder Friend)

It was like moving from H.I. McDunnough's trailer to Nathan Arizona's hacienda. Sun Devil Stadium is a concrete kiln with aluminum benches, trough urinals and ancient concession stands. Between the 108 degree heat, the alcohol, and the play on the field, watching fights was the more entertaining second half activity. The Pink Taco is an air conditioned oasis, with high backed chairs, jumbo video screens and ice cold beer from the "Chill Chamber." The only downside: Sun Devil is located just off Mill Avenue in Tempe next to ASU's mix of coeds and college bars, while the Pink Taco is in far west Glendale, next to big box stores and a Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville." (Emeritus Note: I was almost kicked out of one of these Glendale bars after the Falcons game for smoking a cigarette and "looking drunk." Worth it!)

Do you guys have any history? The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl. What's on the line historically here? Who is considered the greatest (post-Chicago) Cardinal of all time? Is there anyone particularly beloved who might do the coin flip to a raucous crowd?

As mentioned before, the Cardinals' history is a endless succession of dreadful, irrelevant seasons, both in Arizona and in St. Louis. But, for the sake of discussion, considering everyone else other than me who grew up or lives near St. Louis moved on from the Buzzsaw years ago, let's stick with the last two decades in Arizona.

The most popular player is, without question, Pat Tillman, but he's sadly not making any guest appearances. (There's a statue of him outside the stadium.) The only other post-St. Louis Cardinal to make the Pink Taco's Ring of Fame is Aeneas Williams; it wouldn't surprise me to see him make an appearance Sunday. As you might suspect, he had only one winning season in a decade at Sun Devil Stadium.

But history, as a team? Losing, losing, losing, with few fans around to witness it. With the Buzzsaw's win over Carolina, there is now only one team in the NFL that has never reached its conference's championship game in the Super Bowl era: The Houston Texans. (Even the Lions have made one, back in the 1991-92 season.)

Why did they change their name from the "Phoenix" Cardinals to the "Arizona" Cardinals?

The Cardinals changed their geographical affiliation to "Arizona" in 1994 in an effort to win fans statewide. They even put the state flag on the jersey sleeve. Without polling fans in Kingman, Eagar and Ajo to see if that worked, I'm pretty sure it didn't.

Are there any famous Cardinals fans?

Yes. Our famous fan base includes Rays manager Joe Maddon, failed presidential candidate John McCain and Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme.

Why are they called the Buzzsaw again?

I just made it up. To quote WikiAnswers: "The Buzzsaw is an affectionate name given by Deadspin editor Will Leitch, an unabashed Cardinals fan. They are called the Buzzsaw pejoratively, because the Cardinals have won exactly one playoff game in the last 60 years. In short, they are the anti-buzzsaw." I decided to call them the Buzzsaw in a weekly fantasy football newsletter sent out to 10 friends more than a decade ago, and I stuck with it, with the idea that if there were any team in any sport that I could just arbitrarily give a nickname to, and have a possibility of it sticking, it would be the identity-less Arizona Cardinals. I'd say we're 30 percent of the way there.

Do Cardinals fans wish they still had the "happy — perhaps neutral" Cardinal helmet logo, rather than the current "angry" version?

I'm fairly certain you and I are the only people who noticed.

Who are the names most associated with the franchise's futility?

Deep breath:

Bill Bidwill, Andre Wadsworth, Stan Gelbaugh, Bill Bidwill, Randall Hill, Buddy Ryan, Tom Tupa, Kevin Kasper, Stoney Case, Milford Brown, Buddy Ryan, Bill Bidwill, Thomas Jones, Wendell Bryant, Timm Rosenbach, Leonard Davis, Bill Gramatica, Buddy Ryan, Bill Bidwill.

Oh, and Kelly Stouffer, who earns special commendation for being the Cardinals' first-round pick in 1987, only to sit out a year because he refused to play for the Cardinals, eventually signing with the Seahawks. Kelly f-ing Stouffer pulled an Eli/Elway on us.

Of all of your many humiliations as a franchise, which is the greatest?

So many to choose from, but here are the worst three, in no order. Perhaps not coincidentally, they all involve "Monday Night Football."

1. The Monday Night loss to the Bears, the "They Are Who They Thought They Were" game.
2. The Monday Night loss to the 49ers back in 1999. This is noteworthy because it was the year after the playoff appearance and their first MNF game in many years. They not only lost, but ended Steve Young's career.
3. In 2003, fires in California forced a Chargers-Dolphins game to be moved to Sun Devil Stadium. This lead to a succession of local fans with ABC signs that all had some variation of "Anything Beats the Cardinals."

Are there going to be more Eagles fans than Cardinals fans on Sunday?

No. The guess here is around 90 percent Cardinals fans, 10 percent Eagles fans. (As opposed to the 99-1 ratio of the Falcons game.) Not quite a regular season Cowboys game, but with their somewhat well-documented obnoxiousness, Eagles fans could be pretty visible. There's a lot of frontrunning excitement surrounding the Cardinals that inspires hope that locals will go themselves rather than sell their seats. (The papers are worried about this too.) You also have to remember that just about everyone from Arizona is from somewhere else, so there are plenty of locals who will be out in force for Philly, regardless. And yes: I will be one of those Buzzsaw fans in attendance. I can't fathom missing it.

What would a trip to the Super Bowl mean for this fanbase?

Considering the notion of even making it this far — even making the playoffs at all — is beyond my ability to comprehend, it's difficult to pretend any Cardinals fans would be angry if they lost Sunday. (One suspects Eagles fans would have a different reaction, were they to lose.) No matter what happens Sunday, this is the best Cardinals season in the Super Bowl era, by a factor of about 40. No one will ever look back at this year with disappointment.

But to get to this point, hosting an NFC Championship Game against a No. 6 seed, and then to fall short would be tough to stomach in the short term. These opportunities don't come along often. (Say, once every 61 years.) Earlier this year, I said that if the Arizona Cardinals didn't win the NFC West this year, they're never winning the NFC West. Circumstances as they are, I could make the same statement now: If they don't make the Super Bowl under these conditions, they're never making the Super Bowl.

But yes: A Super Bowl berth would be redemption for the thousands of dollars and hours spent by fans following this team for 20 years, through all the infuriating front office moves and on-field collapses. Every year, a brave NFL prognosticator will pick the Cardinals as their surprise team, only to have them finish 4-12. The Cardinals have been their hardcore fans' surprise team for 20 years. And they'd still be surprised.

Compared to Eagles' fans, though? Well, Eagles fans actually have expectations for their team on a yearly basis. We don't. It's much sadder to have expectations unfulfilled than expectations far exceeded. That's what Cardinals fans are telling themselves, anyway.

I hope this serves as a helpful guide to all media members who have wisely ignored the Arizona Cardinals for the last 30 years. This should sum up just about everything you missed. Which is to say: Not much.

You can imagine, then, how overwhelmed I was when we actually arrived and saw thousands of them. Sure, most of them probably didn't care about the team until sometime about a month ago, or they got tickets because they got a good deal on a whirlpool last week or something. One family I talked to seemed unaware the Cardinals had ever even been in St. Louis. It was fine. I was just happy they existed.

Walking into the official team store was quite the experience. I've never been able to find official Buzzsaw merchandise anywhere, and, predictably, the team's Web site has never been able to figure out e-commerce. (An attempt to buy an Anquan Boldin jersey two years ago ended with three extra charges, countless phone calls to bored receptionists and, ultimately, no jersey.) But here! Here they have Neil Rackers bobbleheads!

Seeing all this in one giant gulp — only my second trip to the state of Arizona ever — was a bit overwhelming. I tried to come up with the best analogy for going from never knowing any Buzzsaw fans to being surrounded by 50,000 surprisingly loud ones for the first playoff game in 61 years. It was a struggle. Here are the best three:

1. A kid grows up in Bible Belt Arkansas afraid to tell the world he's gay, then stumbles across the Market Street parade in San Francisco.

2. A boy raised by vegans is pumped with Scotch and given a table at Peter Luger's.

3. A.C. Green's wedding night.

Yep, sex and food. Sounds about right.

Anyway, there's not much more I can tell you about the game except that I flew all the way out there, paid for the tickets and flight, took a red eye back, put off my work and personal life, all for this one game ... and I was outside smoking during the turning point, Antrel Rolle's fumble recovery to start the second half. I walked back in the stadium, looked at the scoreboard and, suddenly, it was 21-17. Hey, cool ... thanks, NICOTINE.

But yes. I saw the Buzzsaw win a playoff game, I screamed like a moron for four hours, I've barely slept for three days and this is all just getting started. That's probably the best way to describe life as a Buzzsaw fan. The Cardinals have to win a World Series to send me into apoplexy; all Arizona has to do is win a wild-card playoff game that, had Keith Brooking remembered how to defend a third-and-16 play, they would have lost in the most crushing way possible. They're surely going to get hammered Saturday night. That's all right. Baby steps.

Plus, now I have this bobblehead of Neil Rackers.

12. Miami Dolphins (11-6). Well, that didn't really work out. You know what else is starting to look evident? That this will be the one season the Patriots didn't dominate, an anomaly. The Dolphins were nice this year, but Chad Pennington won't pull that off again, and, you know, the Wildcat isn't all that shocking of a formation, after all. The Jets are going to have to start over, and the Bills are still the Bills. The Patriots are going to go 13-3 next year no matter who's quarterback — I still think they're signing a big dog running back to dominate ESPN when they're not updating us on Favre — and we're going to go through all this, again. Great.

11. Minnesota Vikings (10-7). Hey, it's not so bad, Minnesota! This guy is your Senator now! (For the record, I think Al Franken will be a fine Senator. But I'll say I'm glad Dick Durbin doesn't have a video like that in his past.)

10. Atlanta Falcons (11-6). Allow me to take this opportunity to congratulate Jay Mariotti on his new column on AOL Fanhouse. (I'm doing my part to make him more famous.) I mostly feel bad for Lisa Olson, another AOL hire, who's awesome and no one will notice now, and Michael David Smith, my old college pal and excellent reporter who now has to deal with the stigma of having being called a great journalist by Jay Mariotti. Like always, it's time to just accept the wisdom of Roger Ebert: "On your way out, don't let the door bang you on the ass." Right now, there's a Mottram brother doing backflips that he gets to deal with MJD and Skeets rather than that guy. And half of "Around The Horn" is now employed by AOL Fanhouse. Hmmm.

9. Indianapolis Colts (12-5). I spent a few hours in Indianapolis over holiday break; I might dislike that city intensely, but I must confess, the new airport is rather outstanding. I appreciate Indianapolis recognizing that it's important to make people feel comfortable doing the one thing everyone wants to do when they're in Indianapolis: Leave. My mind keeps floating back to my new obsession: Fat cars! God, if these only existed.

8. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (10-7). I really don't think the Buzzsaw has much of a chance Saturday night, if just because it's probably a sign of your level of satisfaction when you dump Gatorade on your coach after beating the Falcons. One thing I'd like to warn my fellow Buzzsaw fan brethren about: Please do not talk all week about how we are being "disrespected." It's bad enough that players do this. Yes, no one will be picking the Buzzsaw this week. This does not mean that "no one believes in us." Of course no one believes in you. You're a fan. I don't believe you can beat the Panthers either. If we somehow do pull off the upset, it would not be a result of your status as a True Believer. Fans don't get to play the respect card. Players use a lack of respect as motivation, as a rallying cry. Fans don't need to do that; all we have to do is watch the game. That requires, by definition, no motivation at all.

And, now that that's over, more on Kurt Warner's drawings of God. (Or Jesus. Even he's not quite sure. Have to love that someone had the intestinal fortitude, though, to go to Kurt Warner and say, "OK, draw God. Go.")

7. San Diego Chargers (9-8). We probably shouldn't be too surprised that Costas is such a fan of Darren Sproles. (Cheap. Sorry. I'm tired.) Meanwhile, Marmalard is starting to look like the NFL's Next Great Quarterback, and man, that's a depressing world to live in, isn't it? By the way, count me as one of those people absolutely obsessed with The MLB Network. They're showing the Molina-Mets game later this week, they have Harold Reynolds and their hot stove experts are Tom Verducci and Jon Heyman. And they're a whole channel about baseball, 24 hours a day. Yeah, you know, that's something I might have some interest in.

6. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6-1). Are we really ready for Philadelphia to be the new Boston? All told, I think Phillies fans handled the whole World Series thing with considerably more restraint than Boston fans did, but if the Eagles pull this out, all bets are off. When the Eagles win the Super Bowl, expect Deadspin to be nothing but posts of Daulerio posing like this. (NSFW) So go Giants.

5. Baltimore Ravens (12-5). When I got back to New York yesterday, I watched parts of the Buzzsaw game and the analysis afterward. I kind of love that Matt Millen refers to Jerome Bettis as "Bussy." It's a nickname of a nickname. Some guesses on other nicknames on the NBC set:

Dan Patrick: Patty Man!
Keith Olbermann: Che.
Jerome Bettis: Bussy.
Tiki Barber: Katie.
Matt Millen: Stephen Hawking.
Peter King: Wingman.
Bob Costas: Manute.

4. Carolina Panthers (12-4). One advantage for the Buzzsaw this week: Bank of America Field. I did an article for Sporting News earlier this year about attending a game there. That place is like watching a game in a fish tank. Don't move too much, or make too much noise, or the players might swim away in a huff. I know they're undefeated there this year, but, as with the Falcons, the Cardinals couldn't have a better next opponent and venue.

Don't get me wrong. They're still losing. I know. Just ... dreaming ...

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4). Whatever your thoughts about The Dirty, you have to give them credit for bringing Mike Tice back in the public consciousness. If I had the opportunity to drunkenly sing "God Bless America" with Mike Tice, I'd leap at it. I would certainly hope you would too.

2. Tennessee Titans (13-3). Talking to some Buzzsaw fans this weekend, they were debating which city they'd go to for their annual Cardinals-on-the-road trip next year. (This year it was Washington. They said no one is ever mean to them; they just look surprised to learn there are actual Cardinals fans.) The discussion was between Tennessee or Chicago. I will say this: Only someone who lives in Arizona year round would be so afraid of cold that this would even be a discussion. It's Chicago! Go to Chicago! Maybe you'll accidentally get elected as a public official while you're there!

1. New York Giants (12-4). You know all that time I spent in the Giants locker room? It was for a magazine feature that ended up scheduled for a week we had a double issue, so ... so it's on the Web now! It's running in five parts throughout the week. I need you to read it, because, with the Eagles-Giants game coming up, Daulerio has informed me he will not read it unless "it has something that will cause the Giants harm." Makes sense.

I try to see my grandma every Christmas. She's 88 years old, and she is frail. She has earned her frailty. She had eight children — my father is the oldest boy, and the fourth overall — and has watched them spread off in various directions, though none of these directions have branched off more than 30 miles from Mattoon. She made my girlfriend and me lunch. She was happy to have the company. She lives by herself, in the house her sons and late husband built for her 27 years ago. When we walked in, she was sitting on her sofa idly watching a soap opera, the table set and waiting. "Sometimes it gets a little lonely," she said. "I'm tickled pink to have you guys here."

She's 88, and she's earned it. She doesn't leave the house much anymore, just heading out three nights a week to play bingo, and she confessed to being a little annoyed when one of her kids won't let her drive to a game because the roads are too icy. She has a sign on her wall: "If moms were flowers, I'd pick you." Dad got her one of those digital picture frames for Christmas. The results of eight children flash next to her television every six seconds. She was wearing the kind of Christmas sweatshirt that only exists in the Midwest. "The kids were making fun of me for it, but when else am I gonna wear it but Christmas?"

We ate a chicken noodle casserole, and she talked about being 88. She's finding it odd. "Everyone keeps telling me I'm 88, but it doesn't mean anything." Her hands shake when she talks. "You just keep going, and eventually, people start telling you you're 88." My grandmother is famous for her spare ribs. Recently, she's noticed that people are asking her about them more often. "They want to know if I'm gonna take my ribs recipe to my grave. I told him I have it right now, and if they come by, I'll make it for them."

She talked about my grandfather. He died almost 20 years ago. His name, like mine, was William Franklin Leitch. He loved those ribs. My grandfather was a loving, but distant man; his job was to provide and be revered while Grandma did the dirty work. With eight children, there was a lot of dirty work.

We didn't really cover anything all that substantial. I only had an hour for lunch, and she was just happy to have the company. "Your Uncle Terry, he wanted to come by today, but I told him I had visitors." She giggled at this. She was delighted to be overbooked. Halfway through lunch, we found ourselves watching the digital picture frame. She commented on every photo. She knows the names and birthdays of every one of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She never misses a card. I get one every year, with 10 bucks inside. It's always a crisp bill, fresh from the credit union. She can't mail them anymore. The shaking makes her handwriting impossible to decipher. She just hands it to my Dad, and it ends up in the Christmas stocking. "Oh, there's Maggie," she says. "She sure does love that dog."

I kissed her goodbye, and we headed out to my car. My flight was leaving the next day, and I had a ton of packing to do, and a column to write. She hugged me and said how happy she was to see us. She asked me to remind my father that it had been a few weeks since he'd been by for lunch. She requested that I not forget to call her. She loves it when the phone rings.

I started the rental car, pulled out of the driveway, shifted into gear, adjusted my mirror and motored off. She stood in the window, waving, smiling, kind of, the whole way.

32. Detroit Lions (0-16). It's a shame there had to be so many games with playoff implications in Week 17. The Lions' winless season seems like such a signature achievement that it deserves a celebration to itself. I suspect we'll remember it a lot longer than the two squirrels tapping each other lightly to win the AFC West. Rod Marinelli is already gone — it might have been funny if they fired him after the third quarter of the Packers game — and a good indicator of how much he'll be missed could be found in his postgame comments.

After the Lions became the first NFL team to go 0-16, coach Rod Marinelli was asked if he was glad it was over. "No," Marinelli said. "I could go another 16."

We could too, Rod. We could too.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-14). Generally a bad sign? When a team that goes 5-27 over two seasons openly petitions to keep its coach. Particularly when that coach is Jim Haslett. The Rams are going to end up with the No. 3 draft pick next year. I recommend Lawrence Phillips.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14). Even though this column is always published on Tuesdays, I write it on Mondays, because Internet time is the best of all possible times. This is not usually a problem. Unfortunately, not all coaches firings are known by 11 a.m. the day after the season. (As of this typing, alas, there are only three.) I'll come back Tuesday morning to update everything, as in, "The Chiefs finally got around to firing Herman Edwards, and the NFL is now 11 percent more boring." I could rewrite this whole paragraph with whatever the news turns out to be, but, jeez, do you realize how little Gawker is paying these days? Back in the days, three posts would get you a vial of cocaine and a month's supply of Adderall. Now? For every one of these columns, I receive half an Excedrin. Still worth it! (Update: Herm still has a job!)

29. Cleveland Browns (4-12). Nobody's quite sure what the Cowboys are going to do just yet, but I know what they'd do if they don't learn their lessons: They'll sign Braylon Edwards. Whether it was Costas Now or just those low-rent supplement commercials he does, as has been well-established, Edwards — who, I repeat, tied Michael Wilbon as the nicest person I met backstage before Buzz burst into flames — went from The Big Time Receiver Who Does Everything Right to Freddie Mitchell frighteningly fast. By the way, the Lions should hire Romeo Crennel. That might be fun.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11). Sad to say, but both Bill Simmons and I picked the Jaguars to make the Super Bowl this year. No one ever seems to get on Jack Del Rio's case about it, though. And because I'm hoping you forget I ever talked about the Jaguars this year, here's the world's most inspiring roller coaster photo you'll ever come across.

27. Seattle Seahawks (4-12). While every other coach leaving a lousy team seemed to receive a knowing nod and a journalistic kick in the face on his way out the door, Mike Holmgren got a red Harley. Nice for him. I wonder if he'll give it back when he's coaching the Cowboys in 2010.

26. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1). Palin watch! This is will be the last Palin Watch, and boy, that's a sad thing for everyone. It should come as little surprise that the Sarah Palin 2009 calendar is Amazon's best selling calendar, particularly because the cover shows her carrying a rifle. (Not exactly in the safest fashion either, I might add.) Anyway, you should really buy one, because it's one of those gag gifts that will seem awfully stupid around July, like the guy who named his fantasy baseball team "The Super Delegates."

25. Oakland Raiders (5-11). Don't look now, but the Raiders showed considerable pluck at the end of the season. We Buzzsaw fans would certainly have loved to have that kind of December momentum. (Oh, and the Raiders ultimately only finished three games out of first. Which is awesome.) Now that Oakland's out of the way, I'd like to point out other calendars I'd like for 2009.

Twilight cast calendar. This is $87.99.
Joel Osteen's Become a Better You 2009 Page-A-Day. Every January entry: Cap Teeth.
What Horses Teach Us.
Animals That Will Kill Yo A$$ 2009 Wall Calendar. OK, I actually want this one.

24. Green Bay Packers (6-10). For the last time in 2008, I present to you the lead story on the Green Bay Press-Gazette's home page: :Nicklases wear many hats as volunteers." Two elderly retirees in Green Bay volunteer for countless charities despite various health woes. "Vince Nicklas took on the volunteer president's duties about the time his own health took a turn that required him to undergo dialysis three times a week. He has battled cancer and kidney failure." I know every week I make fun of the paper for putting stories on the front page that would never make big-city papers ... but this is the type of story that big city papers suck at. Whatever your thoughts about the New York Times, but it's pretty rare that people clip an article out of that paper because it's about a friend of theirs who's a really nice person. That still happens with home town papers. Maybe it's because I've been home for a week, but that cheered me, at least until mid-2009, when every small town paper is dead.

23. Buffalo Bills (7-9). I'd like to thank Nick Douglas for this touching visual interpretation of how every single one of my friends thinks of me for still paying for music on iTunes.

Sorry. It still feels like the right thing to do.

22. San Francisco 49ers (7-9). Remember that play at the end of the Buzzsaw-49ers "Monday Night Football" — yes, it was this night — when a touchdown would have pulled off the upset for San Francisco? If they had won that game, they would have ended up with the same record as the Buzzsaw. I suspect Mike Singletary would have been rather entertaining in the playoffs. But not as entertaining as the endlessly charismatic and dynamic Ken Whisenhunt!

21. New York Jets (9-7). Boy, Jets fans sure do know how to destroy themselves, don't they? It's difficult to imagine a season could possible be more specifically constructed to devastate a fan base. From my perspective, Jets fans pretty much hate having hope about anything, because it always ends up with pain. So they remain cynical, and assume the worst. Well, this year, the team pours a bunch of money into a big one-year run, and THEN Brett Favre falls into their laps. I was excited, and I like neither the Jets nor Favre. And then this happens. That Artie Bucco line in "The Sopranos" about "Mangenious" is going to look as dated as the time they boosted that truck full of laserdiscs.

20. Houston Texans (8-8). Gawker has a rundown of the different kinds of New Years Eve parties. I've been to parties No. 1, 2 and 5; this year looks like No. 2. I used to love New Years Eve a lot more than I do now, but I still hold a fond place in my heart for the evening. To quote myself from a decade ago: "I hear people complain about New Year’s Eve, that it’s always made into a big event that ultimately disappoints, that they feel pressured to have some kind of momentously fun time. These people are sad, really, incredible dullards and whiners. Pressured to have fun? Hey, I’ll take that kind of pressure every time, no problem. I wish I was pressured to have fun every day, rather than pressured to pay the bills, pressured to hold onto my job, pressured to keep my head above water. If you can’t relax and have fun on New Year’s Eve, well, you’ve got more problems than this column can solve, so there is no hope for you here."

19. New Orleans Saints (8-8). The oldest man in America died Sunday, at the age of 112. I think that's a ridiculous age to live to, and the only way I can imagine ever wanting to live to 112 is if I were 111.

18. Washington Redskins (8-8). Because no one who covers politics professionally actually listens to Rush Limbaugh — even though he's directly responsible for how a lot of people receive 100 percent of their political news — no one had heard his now-notorious Barack the Magic Negro song until some dumb RNC muckety-muck put it on a holiday mix tape. I'd like to get one of those mixtapes, actually. It'd be a great way to clear out a New Year Eve party.

17. Chicago Bears (9-7). The only good thing for Bears fans in the wake of the crushing loss yesterday? They don't have to read a Jay Mariotti column about it. By the way, offensive coordinator (and pre-Zook Illini coach) Ron Turner is endorsing Kyle Orton to be the quarterback again next year. Of course he is.

16. Denver Broncos (8-8). Whenever I was editor of this here site, I made a distinct effort not to ever tip my hand about whom I was voting for in the SHOTY and Hall of Fame votes. It seems like cheating, because obviously whoever I chose would have the vote tipped against them. So I stay out of it. But I will say this: Those who believe the Buzz-Andrews vote could stand as a metaphor for where Deadspin readership stands in the sporting world going in 2009 make some salient points.

15. Dallas Cowboys (9-7). It's pretty astounding that Wade Phillips hasn't been fired yet, for a myriad of reasons. But, for the sake of discussion, here's one of them. After Phillips said there would be "change" this offseason — presumably "change" meaning "not firing Wade Phillips" — linebacker Bradie James, a team captain, said: "If you know a person to be a certain way and then all of the sudden, you have an extreme change, I don't know. I don't know how well that's going to be taken. I don't know what he means by that. But he didn't address us, so I don't know." Not good.

It won't be like this, but next year's Hard Knocks should look like that scene in The Dark Knight, when The Joker tells three henchman there's one job available, hands them some broken pool sticks and tells them they'll have to earn it.

Actually, that very technique is how Gawker is deciding which employees to keep right now.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7). If the Giants make the Super Bowl this year, I'll definitely be going, even though tickets, as always, will be impossible. Another impossible ticket, as this week at home in Mattoon has taught me? The All-Star Game in St. Louis next year. It's the social event of the Mattoon calendar; everyone's obsessed with figuring out a way to get to the game. One guy told me he'd be willing to sell his Jeep. This seems like a lot for a game that will feature some backup Washington National pinch hitting in the seventh inning.

13. New England Patriots (11-5). Sorry, Pats, but in a post-regular season Buzzsaw Countdown world, playoff teams always rank above non-playoff teams, regardless of records or actual talent. All told, I think if there were going to be a team to go 11-5 and miss the playoffs, it's for the best that it's one that plays in Boston. If this happened to, say, Pittsburgh, Roger Goodell's head would be on a flagpole outside a bar in Mt. Lebannon right now.

12. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (9-7). It's pretty stupid of me to say this, but of the four underdog home wild-card round teams, I think the Buzzsaw have the best chance of winning. (Miami's close.) The Falcons' defense is spotty, Anquan Boldin will be back and rested, Edgerrin James is alive again and Matt Ryan is, after all, still a rookie quarterback. (As mentioned last week, only two have ever won in the playoffs: Ben Roethlisberger and Shaun King.) Of all the teams the Buzzsaw could have played, Atlanta is the best we could have hoped for. That is to say: We're only losing by 14 rather than 28. Not that it really matters. I'm treating the playoff game like the Illini Rose Bowl game last year against USC. Regardless of what happens, the mere fact that the game is actually occurring is enough to leave me with a big dopey grin on my face throughout.

11. San Diego Chargers (8-8). In honor of Marmalard, I present you this text message from Mickey Rourke about Sean Penn's performance in Milk:

“Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [sic]

Pretty rough, but, you know, he's kind of right.

10. Atlanta Falcons (11-5). Quick, before you have a chance to think: Who's the coach of the Falcons? Mike Smith. You probably knew that, and that he might be a major part of the reason the Jaguars collapsed this year. Lots of great Mike Smiths out there. There's the Mike Smith from The Dave Clark Five, and the one who makes Christian music, and the one from the band Snot, and the one from ESPN, and the one from Fanhouse (and the one from the drunken apartment in Champaign in 1996). Good job, Michael Smiths. You've all done the name proud.

9. Minnesota Vikings (10-6). Drew will surely tell you all about this on Thursday, but he seems to think this is a terrible matchup for the Vikings. I'm more with Daulerio, who has to tune in on Sunday wondering whether his Eagles are going to win by 40 or lose 6-3. No matter what happens, it's clear at this point that Andy Reid with extra facial hair is hot.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1). Since I just covered this game, allow me to point out that every single person I know in Mattoon has seen Marley And Me since it came out. I think this town would elect a golden retriever mayor if it could.

7. Baltimore Ravens (11-5). I just haven't been able to get behind the Ravens all year, and I'm not sure why. It might be Ray Lewis. As tough a guy as he is, as grizzled a vet as he allegedly holds stature, I can't get over his ridiculous Super Bowl dance. I've never been able to. Something about him just strikes me as unbearably silly. This is an indefensible position, but I have it, regardless.

6. Miami Dolphins (11-5). The Dolphins are my official Super Bowl Sleeper. I just kind of think these guys could beat anyone 15-13, from the '85 Bears to a pack of diamond-encrusted superdroids. By the way, when the Dolphins overpay Chad Pennington with an extension over the winter, and his arm finally falls off after its one final season of life, Ronnie Brown will just play every snap from the wildcat formation. They'll go 9-7.

5. Carolina Panthers (12-4). Sometimes I wonder if Steve Smith spends his off weeks standing under water towers and catching things family members drop to him from below, as practice for playing with Jake Delhomme.

4. Indianapolis Colts (12-4). Another reason I love the end of the year? All the new laws states enact. Illinois has some good ones, including the installation of a breathalyzer in your car after your first DUI and a campaign finance law which appears aimed at making sure there is never, ever another Blagojevich. Won't work though. Everybody knows the only non-evil Illinois governors are the ones who come from downstate. Some love to Coles County's own Jim Edgar!

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4). Shhh! It's the Steelers' off week. Do not disturb Big Ben. He will be in his hyperbaric chamber until next Monday. Leave the boy be.

2. Tennessee Titans (13-3). Most forgotten aspect of Week 17: Chris Simms played! As I feel obliged to remind you, We Saw Chris Simms Make A Spinach Dip In A Loaf Of Sourdough Bread Once.

1. New York Giants (12-4). If you pick up a copy of The Sporting News — and they'll get mad at me for including the The, which is no longer part of the official name — not only will you find my CUTTING column on Shaq's Twitter page, but you'll find Eli Manning named as Pro Sports Athlete Of The Year, which is not nearly as strong a statement as Sportsman Of The Year but saves you the trouble of putting a shirtless douchebag swimmer on the cover. I think the tradeoff is worth it.

It makes sense, though: No one was ever quite had a monumental achievement in sports ignored so thoroughly as Dock Ellis. You really can't overstate what he did. You can have your 762 home runs, or your 38,387 points, or your 50 touchdowns in a season. This man threw a no-hitter under the influence of LSD. I mean, can you imagine? Forget this being one of baseball's greatest feats. I think it's one of Earth's.

My favorite part of the story is how why this happened in the first place. Ellis didn't realize he was pitching that day, so he figured, you know, let's do some acid.

"I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego , but I didn't know it. I had taken LSD..... I thought it was an off-day, that's how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, "Dock, you're pitching today!"

"That's when it was $9.50 to fly to San Diego. She got me to the airport at 3:30. I got there at 4:30, and the game started at 6:05pm. It was a twi-night doubleheader.

The box score tells the story. Ellis walked eight guys in a not particularly powerful Padres lineup. The Pirates scored their only two runs on a Willie Stargell home run in the second inning, which must have been awesome to watch while tripping. And Ellis talked about diving out of the way of a line drive that wasn't even hit near him.

I have never taken acid, though I had a couple bizarre mushroom experiences in college. Mostly, I just giggled and became convinced the four of us in the room were the only four motherfuckers on the planet who UNDERSTOOD. I tried to write on mushrooms once, convinced I could bring back the mad wisdom psilocybin induces, only to turn on my computer the next morning to realize I'd written about 4,800 words on the healing properties of wheat toast. I cannot fathom going out in public, let alone pitching a major league baseball game. And he threw a no-hitter!

The world is a crazed, nonsensical place, mostly random, confused, chaotic, numbing. We search for reason wherever we can find it. And then, out of the nether, someone throws a no-hitter on LSD, and we realize that there is so much we do not understand, so much that will always elude, so much with a strange beauty that's impossible to comprehend. Dock Ellis' achievement has been lost to the years — it's not exactly the type of thing ESPN can do a "SportsCentury" about — but it's staggering and awesome, and we mustn't ever forget it. R.I.P. Dock Ellis. We know a little bit more about our world because of you, and a lot less. Thank you

32. Detroit Lions (0-15). I'm not sure how a coach is supposed to handle the first 0-15 start in team history, but I can't imagine anyone doing much more entertaining than Rod Marinelli. If they lose Sunday — and, at this point, you have to think they will — he might just set the dais on fire in his postgame press conference. I wonder what Rod Marinelli's next job will be. By the way, how bad is it? Actual headline in the Detroit Free-Press: "Ex-Lion Joey Harrington Feels Bad For City, Team." Now that's just being cruel.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-13). So here's the most mind-blowing piece of trivia I've come across today.

Last week, a movie became the highest-grossing film of all time in England. You know, England. Place that thinks they're smarter than all us ugly Americans. Home of Shakespeare, Lord Byron, Black Adder. Do you know what movie is the highest grossing movie in the history of England? Get ready for it ...

It's Mamma Mia! I'm not bullshitting here. Mamma Mia has more money in England than any other film has ever made in England. Mamma Mia! Really!

This film features Pierce Brosnan singing!

Way to go, England.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-13). When you've been with a team for 20 years, like outgoing Chiefs GM Carl Peterson has been, I suppose you don't have to answer questions after your last game. I do love his jacket, though.

By the way, this Sunday is probably Herman Edwards' last game as an NFL coach. Screw Favre: We must salute true entertainment royalty on its way out that screen door.

29. Cleveland Browns (4-11). So you know how, when you use the Google search toolbar, it will fill in words it thinks you might type in next? For example, if you type in "Cleveland," you get:

Cleveland Clinic
Cleveland Browns
Cleveland newspaper
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland steamer

Well, here's what you get when you type in "Braylon Edwards"

Braylon Edwards Browns
Braylon Edwards dropped passes
Braylon Edwards fantasy
Braylon Edwards contract
Braylon Edwards dropped passes 2008
Braylon Edwards penn state
Braylon Edwards costas now

Pretty rough year for Braylon, I'd have to say.

28. Oakland Raiders (4-11). Well, I know Daulerio and his fellow Iggles folks are huge Raiders fans this week, if they can even muster up the energy to care for one more week. Oh, and don't look know, but JaMarcus Russell is starting to look like an actual NFL quarterback lately.

27. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11-1). Palin watch! n case you're afraid we're going to lose touch with everyone's favorite Wasillian, worry not: You can join the social networking site Team Sarah, which is "a coalition of women dedicated to advancing the values that Sarah Palin represents in the political process." Don't worry, boys: "Men welcome too!" Here's my favorite group on the site: Conservative Pagans For Sarah. To quote:

A group for those of us who may not be of the Judeo Christian persuasion but who otherwise cherish the conservative approach to life.

Whew! There are some left!

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10). You know, I'd really like to get ahead in the world of marketing. I think that's the perfect field to go into right now. But I want to be a cool marketer, like, down with what the hepcats are into. I've found just the right company.

Sign up now! Not surprisingly, their graphic arts department comes highly recommended.

25. Seattle Seahawks (4-11). I'll be bitching about the Buzzsaw a few entries down, but, at this point, it's looking extremely possible that Seattle will win in Glendale next weekend, and we'll enter the playoffs at 8-8. We still get to host whoever, though! Though if Seattle runs up a 28-0 halftime lead — which would actually be the third time the Buzzsaw have trailed 28-0 at halftime this season — I'm turning the game off and growing a mustache.

24. Green Bay Packers (5-10). Nothing much too much to gingerly poke at in the Green Bay Press Gazette this week, save for a big huge controversial roundabout they're building at a busy intersection. A photo of the intersection should give you a pretty good idea what it's like to live in Green Bay.

23. San Francisco 49ers (6-9). Looks like Mike Singletary is going to be back next year, much to the delight of David Letterman and his writing staff. I enjoyed Late Night's Singletary riff because I'm not sure anyone will get it outside of Deadspin readers and San Francisco sports fans. (And I'm not sure all of them will get it either.) In a world where Jay Leno is going to be in prime time five nights a week, anytime late night does something obscure and strange, I'll take it.

22. Buffalo Bills (7-8). While we're talking late night, boy, that Jimmy Fallon show sure is shaping up to be outstanding, isn't it? (I enjoy Videogum's nickname for him: Bag Of Hair. In case you were looking for an intellectual justification for your deep, ravenous hatred for Jimmy Fallon, The New Republic has your back.

What is funny about the Fallon Effect, however, is that he simply imported the talents of former "SNL" colleague Fred Armisen (the show's new Obama) by having him on as a guest and letting him mock the whole concept of talk-show interviews. If he's still the Jimmy we know him to be, it's inevitable that he'll also tap the talents of the truly successful Tina Fey. More bolstering. Just like in his "SNL" days, Fallon is the baby of the family, only required to be cute and always eager for help. Can you think of another adult who gets paid for so little?

It's nice that our generation now has its Chevy Chase, a "comedian" everyone can bond together in mutual antipathy toward. Though Chevy Chase at least was once funny. (Note: I find this point arguable, but it's worth noting that some people think so.)

21. Houston Texans (7-8). Well, that'll be all for that fun little run. So, rather than dissect a team that, other than the Titans win, has been entirely unremarkable all season, I'm gonna talk about Thundercats! They're actually making Thundercats into a film next year, and it's gonna be pretty awful. How awful? So awful someone has given it a brilliant fake trailer.

20. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (8-7). Beggars, choose, all that. I've been so concerned all season that people would think the Buzzsaw won their division — their division! The Buzzsaw won the division! — only because San Francisco, Seattle and St. Louis were so bad. Because of that, I was distracted from the fact that they were, in fact, even worse than I thought. The Patriots loss was so bad that Daulerio and I turned off the game at halftime and played Tiger Woods golf. They kind of deserve to be 8-8 going into the playoffs now, methinks. That said, I'll still be there on January 3 or January 4, screaming on the Buzzsaw at the Pink Taco, hopefully against Atlanta, a team I'm underrating even to this second. These only come along every 33 years, you know. Particularly because we're probably gonna have to watch Leinart flop around the field all year next year, back to square uno.

19. New Orleans Saints (8-7). Are you ready for the rest of the country to have an economy similar to New Orleans'? 2009 is going to be awesome. One possibility: Rather than laying off a bunch of people, companies might go to four-day workweeks, or stop paying you for vacation. Some are even trying to spin this as a positive.

The recession, obviously, is not a good thing. But I think it might be a good thing if when we pull out of it, we switch to a different equilibrium in which people work somewhat less and earn somewhat less. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest it would make people happier, and some good reason to think it would be better for the environment.

Well, I suppose. But that makes us sound awfully French, if you ask me.

18. New York Jets (9-6). Listen up, everybody: Sunday is going to be Brett Favre's last game. It's now pretty clear, isn't it? Even this guy can't pretend anymore. They should have kept Pennington, they're all done, can we move on now? If anyone from ESPN is reading, let's make this clear: No one will care about Brett Favre this offseason. Do not make Rachel Nichols follow him around again. He's going to retire, and it doesn't matter. Let's get back to our lives, please.

17. San Diego Chargers (7-8). Are you freaking kidding? Is it possible Norv Turner's going to make the playoffs again? A question: If the Buzzsaw would have flopped one week earlier, or lost that MNF game to San Francisco, or just been one game up on the Seahawks, would they have had a chance at the flex game? I don't think the Buzzsaw is ever, ever going to get flexed.

16. Denver Broncos (8-7). In honor of the Broncos' chokejob down the stretch, here are a few selections from Roger Ebert's favorite putdowns of movies.

Eventually the secret of Those, etc., is revealed. To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backwards out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets. (The Village)

I am informed that 5,000 cockroaches were used in the filming of "Joe's Apartment." That depresses me, but not as much as the news that none of them were harmed during the production.

I stopped taking notes on my Palm Pilot and started playing the little chess game. (Masterminds)

15. Washington Redskins (8-7). Proving once again that Barack Obama is better than you at everything:

I voted for the guy, and I think he can be a great President ... but I hope he gains 50 pounds in office. If he stops smoking, he probably will.

14. Philadelphia Eagles (8-6-1). While watching the Eagles game Sunday with the aforementioned Daulerio, I looked over at him at the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Me: "You nervous? Big game."
Daulerio: "Actually, I'm just trying to stay awake."

This is what happens when your team runs its offense with the urgency of a Kansan operating the subway turnstiles, and you just won the World Series two months ago.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6). If the Giants make the Super Bowl this year, I'll be heading down to Tampa for the game. I've been in Tampa once, and I was surprised that certain parts are prettier than I realized. I thought Florida was pretty much just a wasteland, you know? Oh, and don't deny it, Florida. What, are you gonna cry now? I'll give you something to cry about.

12. Chicago Bears (9-6). Say all you want about the sad spectacle that is the Buzzsaw as the No. 4 seed, but realize the No. 3 seed in the NFC is going to be quarterbacked by either Tavaris Jackson or Kyle Orton.

11. Minnesota Vikings (9-6). What happens when you're brilliant and spend your days watching nothing but CNBC? I present the great Moe Tkacik's Tumblr. These Tumblrs, they're all the rage.

10. Dallas Cowboys (9-6). An honest question: Why in the world would anyone want to play for the Cowboys? I'm not talking about the super expensive guys that only the Cowboys can figure out how to pay. I mean the regular guys, the rank-and-files, the ones who just want to play football, win some games and go home. How could Dallas possibly be worth the trouble? I'd want to get my ass to Tennessee, where I can go tackle people in peace.

9. Miami Dolphins (10-5). You know what? After all this talk about the Jets' reckoning against Chad Pennington this week, it wouldn't shock me if the Dolphins lay their first egg since they discovered the wildcat formation back in September. Unless the Jets just decided they're dead and take a nap. By the way, if the Dolphins take the division, I assume we're just a couple weeks away from Mike Wallace deciding to interview him again.

8, Atlanta Falcons (10-5). I lied up above: I'll actually be missing most of the games next week for my yearly trip to Assembly Hall in Champaign to watch my beloved Illini trounce Eastern Michigan. Actually, I probably shouldn't say that. Last year's trip ended with a loss to freaking Miami of Ohio. At least they don't play the Tennessee State Agricultural and Industrial State Normal School for Negroes again this year. Alex Legion forever! Take that, Kige!

7. Baltimore Ravens (10-5). It's looking quite likely that we're gonna have two rookie starting quarterbacks in the playoffs this year. Only two rookie QBs have ever won a playoff game. Ben Roethlisberger and ... the immortal Shaun King. (Who, I remind, was one incredibly Ricky Proehl play from leading the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl in 2000.)

6. New England Patriots (10-5). Boy, oh boy, are Boston fans going to be pleasant if they finish 11-5 and miss the playoffs, particularly if the Buzzsaw, who they just beat 47-to-freaking-7, finish 8-8 and host a game. It'll be a joy.

5. Carolina Panthers (11-4). Where am I really glad I'm not going to be in the next few days? Macy's

Remember when we thought online commerce was going to progress to the point that most Web purchases would have same day delivery? Stupid economy. Now we have to leave our houses.

4. Indianapolis Colts (11-4). Last week, I wrote: "At least we won't have to watch them play in that soulless new stadium. Even people from Indianapolis hate that building, which is no small feat; I think that's the only building in Indianapolis that holds more than 78 people." A commenter called me out on this, and they might have had a point: I only know three people from Indianapolis, and two of them hate it. (The other one is smart enough not to watch sports.) So I apologize: I did not survey the entire city. Fortunately for me, the commenter was from Facebook, which meant everyone just destroyed him. Poor guy.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-4). OK, OK: So some people hate the Steelers, particularly if they're from Seattle or are named LenDale White. I still think these guys are winning the AFC.

2. New York Giants (12-3). All right, I know it's the holidays and no one can stay up late on Sunday, but gee whiz, that game Sunday was terrific. I'm not sure there has been a better game this year. Also, something I learned from my two weeks hanging around the Giants: Tom Coughlin is shorter than you think he is. That surprised me. I can't tell what that says about him, or me for noticing.

1. Tennessee Titans (13-2). Congratulations to Tennessee, particularly if Kerry Collins falls off the wagon in the next two weeks and they have to start a googly-eyed Vince Young in the first round of the playoffs.

But mostly, congratulations to all of you, for making it this long. I'm always surprised and impressed. Happy Holidays out there. Oh, and if a fat man tries to break into your house later this week, it's legal to blow his face off with a shotgun. Thank you lax home invasion laws! Be safe out there, kids.

I'm not sure this is a particularly healthy person for a 15-year-old to emulate. Nothing against Mr. Ebert, who will probably end up being the most important journalistic voice in film of this century, and probably the last one as well. (And seriously, if you're not reading his non-film work, you're missing out as well.) But I probably should have wanted to be Ozzie Smith, or Kevin Costner, or Bruce Springsteen, or someone who actually did something rather than writing about people who did something. The only reason I wanted to write was because I wanted to write about movies.

I blame my friend Tim. Back in Mattoon, we were the two nerdy smart kids who were way too into Woody Allen, the Cardinals and Kurt Cobain. Because the best movies rarely came to Mattoon, we'd have to drive the 50 miles to Champaign to see the "arthouse" movies like Malcolm X and Howards End. This led to a tradition, started in 1991, in which we would wait until the night before the Oscar nominations came out in February — we needed that extra couple months to catch up on all the late December releases — to give each other our top 10 movies of the year. This ritual lasts to this day, and we even used to publish them on the old Black Table site. (Here's 2002, 2003 and 2004.) Fellow Black Table editor A.J. Daulerio, who never really did much with himself after the BT, loved to make fun of us for this, and he labeled the yearly festivities "Dorkfest." Tim and I both call it that now, and, still, we do it. The nominations come out January 22 this year; we'll be on the phone for four hours the night before, giving each other our lists, debating and generally being, well, dorks. It's awesome.

Tim ended up actually having a career as a film critic — you can see a full archive right here — but, sadly, I ended up going another direction, and now I write fart jokes about sports for Web sites, magazines, newspapers and napkins. I have to admit, if someone told me I could settle down somewhere and just write movie reviews and books, I'd be a happy fellow. Of course, every film critic in the country in the country is getting laid off, so that doesn't seem like a viable career option. Looks like I'll be sticking with the fart jokes.

But that's not gonna stop me from writing about movies. As mentioned a few weeks ago, I've started a fancy new "official" Website, and a large section of it is going to consist of movie reviews. You can see a full archive here, but so far, I've hit Che, Gran Torino, Milk, Rachel Getting Married and The Wrestler. (This week, Benjamin Button and Revolutionary Road!) It's completely self-indulgent, and god, I can't stop.

It probably goes without saying that I put more time into those movie reviews — which are probably seen by 20 or 30 people, tops — that just about everything else that I do. I miss it. I really did want to be Roger Ebert. Maybe there's still time. Until then, though ... please read my movie reviews. (And Tim's.) You're granting a dying boy his last wish. We want to make Mattoon a veritable farm system of film critics.

Hell, it sure beats interviewing naked athletes for a living.

32. Detroit Lions (0-14). Call me crazy, but don't you kind of get the feeling the Lions are going to win one of these last two? They've showed too much life the last couple of weeks. My money's on that Green Bay game in Week 17, in front of a discouraged, cranky Lambeau crowd. That just seems like the perfect way to end the first season in Green Bay without Brett Favre: Losing at home to a team that's 0-15.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-12). Bernie Miklasz made a great point about Steven Jackson: Wasn't this guy supposed to be great by now? Obviously, the Rams are a disaster, but Jackson has revealed himself as one of those guys who's perpetually on the cusp, but, all told, not much more than mediocre. Do you realize that this is fifth season? That's a lot of tire tread on running backs like him. Anybody else get the sense he might be playing for the Patriots next year?

30. Oakland Raiders (3-11). I've been trying to come up with the best visual interpretation of what the intra-divisional battles in the AFC and NFC Wests have been, and I think I've found it, via Jeff Miller's site The Trunk. That's right: It's squirrel fights!

This is from "Etosha National Park in Namibia." North American squirrels are such pussies.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12). Count me among the folks devastated that the Arena Football League is shutting down for a season. You have to love a sports league that, in its "we're trying not to go bankrupt here" press release, quotes Jon Bon Jovi. Back in the day, when The Mighty MJD was doing weekends around here, his recaps and dissertations on Arena Football — it gets pretty boring on weekends in February — not only inspired me to love the league, but even buy a video game. (It's less fun than it seems; I just wanted to knock guys into the stands, but it's quite hard.) I hope it comes back soon, though probably not as much as Mike and Mike do.

28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1). Palin watch! OK, whatever your thoughts on our would-be vice-president — and apparently everybody has thoughts, because I can't get on the Web for more than five minutes without somebody telling me Sarah Palin's IQ — I have to say, setting fire to her church is pretty far over the line. I hope they catch that guy, and I hope he looks like Beavis. Afterwards, Palin apologized to the Wasilla Bible Church — I think that title is missing a word, or a modifier, or something ... not that I should talk — for the "undeserved negative attention" that might have led to the incident. I would have to think that it's a bad sign when you run for vice president, and people react so strongly to you that they try to burn down your church. And then you apologize for it! I bet Sarah Palin's ready for 2008 to get over with.

27. Cleveland Browns (4-10). So, to recap, the Cleveland Browns, chosen to be on national television a shocking five times this year, actually went 2-3 in those games this year. All told, that's not so bad! It was the 2-7 in the Sunday afternoon games that got them. That's that problem with these guys: They only play their best under the brightest spotlight! Makes sense! Unfortunately, that means they're going 1-15 next year.

26. Seattle Seahawks (3-11). Look out, Jets: These guys are feistier than you realize, and they're going to be going all out for Mike Holmgren. You know, I'm a big fan of Mike Holmgren's move this year: Announce you're retiring at the end of the season, let everybody tell you how much they love you, and then, after a terrible year, with two games left, imply that, hey, now that I think about it, I might be up for coaching again after all. I think this is called The Keith Jackson.

25. Green Bay Packers (5-9). I'm starting to think the Web editors of the Green Bay Press-Gazette are putting these stories up on Mondays and Tuesdays just to mess with me. The top story on the Press-Gazette's site as I type this? "De Pere boutique aims to 'save you time.'" It's about "a boutique offering gourmet foods, gift baskets, entertaining essentials and gifts." I think the most brilliant part is how they put "save you time" in quotes, like this was a particularly insightful statement made in interview. A few suggestions down the line:

BAKER LOOKING TO "MAKE DIFFERENT KINDS OF FOOD."
COP HOPES TO "KEEP STREETS SAFE."
WRITER WANTS TO "TYPE WORDS FOR YOU."
LOCAL MAN "WANTS YOU TO GET IN HIS VAN."

24. Buffalo Bills (6-8). Difficult to sum up life as a Buffalo Bills fan over the last 10 years or so better than that play at the end of that Jets game, isn't it? As dumb as Dick Jauron's call was, I must admit, I said, out loud, before that play, "You know, since the two-minute warning is coming up anyway, they might as well throw a pass here. The Jets don't have to call time out anyway." Combine that with my lack of understanding what a trap play is, and I'm starting to think I maybe shouldn't be a football coach.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9). I tend to enjoy Christmas, partly because I get to go home and see my family and partly because watching tourists fall down trying to skate at Rockefeller Center is an awfully pleasant way to spend and evening. You know who doesn't like Christmas? Christopher Hitchens! In a story headlined "The moral and aesthetic nightmare of Christmas," he writes:

As in such dismal banana republics, the dreary, sinister thing is that the official propaganda is inescapable. You go to a train station or an airport, and the image and the music of the Dear Leader are everywhere. You go to a more private place, such as a doctor's office or a store or a restaurant, and the identical tinny, maddening, repetitive ululations are to be heard. So, unless you are fortunate, are the same cheap and mass-produced images and pictures, from snowmen to cribs to reindeer. It becomes more than usually odious to switch on the radio and the television, because certain officially determined "themes" have been programmed into the system. Most objectionable of all, the fanatics force your children to observe the Dear Leader's birthday, and so (this being the especial hallmark of the totalitarian state) you cannot bar your own private door to the hectoring, incessant noise, but must have it literally brought home to you by your offspring.

Boy, that guy's got the fever. We're only a couple of years away from the PBS special in which Hitchens is visited by the ghost of fact-checkers past and learns the true joy of the season: Scotch.

22. San Francisco 49ers (5-9). Love to Lindsay Robertson, who brings us the story of poor Adolf Hitler Campbell, who can't get the personalized birthday cake he wanted..

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Good names for a trio of toddlers? Heath and Deborah Campbell think so. The Holland Township couple has picked those names and the oldest child, Adolf Hitler Campbell, turns 3 today.

This has given rise to a problem, because the ShopRite supermarket in Greenwich Township has refused to make a cake for young Adolf's birthday.

You know, you think Adolf's pissed now, just wait a decade or so, when he tries to get his personalized license plates.

21. San Diego Chargers (6-8). Amazingly, the Chargers are still alive in the fight to become the top squirrel in the AFC West. I'd make fun of them for this, but there's a very real possibility they'll end up with the same record as the Buzzsaw, so I'll just shut up.

20. Washington Redskins (7-7). And, ultimately, the Redskins ended up where most people thought they'd be all along. And now, a brief comment on the Shoe Tossing Incident.

You'd be hard-pressed to find someone more critical of the policies and actions of President Bush over the last six-and-a-half years than me, though I'm sure there are some people out there. I think he has caused this nation perhaps more harm than we'll ever be able to overcome. I think the only person who wants him out of office more right now than me is ... well, George W. Bush. But I find it appalling that anyone could see the leader of our country, the President, avert an assault in a foreign land and somehow find it funny, or see the guy who tossed the shoe as some sort of "hero." I mean, that's the President, guys. Sure. It was a shoe. But god, really? We're supposed to chuckle? I watched that video with horror; not just that it has come to this, but that people here could actually celebrate it. I hate that video. It makes me ill. It makes me scared.

Of course, now I'll embed it right here.

[stepping off soapbox, walking slowly backwards, hands in air]

19. New Orleans Saints (7-7). While we're talking "politics" — though we weren't really talking politics there — I was a little stunned to read that Time's Jay Carney, one of my favorite reporters throughout the campaign, had signed on to be director of communications for Vice President-Elect Joe Biden. For all the talk that sports journalism is so much more chummy-chummy back scratching than political journalism, imagine if the Yankees hired Mike Lupica, or the Mad Dog, as their manager? Isn't that, like, wrong? Isn't that against the rules?

18. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (8-6). Last week, I got some comedic mileage out of my "bandwagon" friend who watches Buzzsaw games with me. A couple of notes. First, I probably should have mentioned that he started cheering for the team before this season and its run. I'm not sure that's a point in his favor or not. More pressing, as much as I needled him last week, if it hadn't have been for him, I would have stomped out of the bar at halftime of Sunday's travesty. I'd forgotten just how much the Buzzsaw could enrage me. Hugely important game, and they show up looking not only like they were still hungover from last week's celebration, but like they were still drinking. And the worst part? They're gonna end up playing the Cowboys first round of the playoffs, which means my first ever Arizona Cardinals home game, in the playoffs, is going to have more fans from the opposing team. Just freaking awesome.

17. Houston Texans (7-7). Hey, nice go of it there, kids. In honor of their victory and their status as one of the hottest teams in the NFL as the season ends, here's video of Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing Christmas songs together.

16. Denver Broncos (8-6). Hey, wasn't Eddie Royal supposed to be the dominant rookie fantasy receiver this year? That might have been just one game. Who will be an underdog in their home playoff game by more points, the Broncos or the Buzzsaw? It's gonna be close.

15. Chicago Bears (8-6). You know what's a nifty trick? Taking the massive scandals involving Illinois Gov. Blagojevich and blaming them entirely on the stupidity of the American public. It's a neat trick. Presumably, newspapers who didn't uncover the depths of Blago's depravity until a federal prosecutor handed it to them, they probably share a little bit of the blame too, right? Nope! Chicago Tribune's John McCarron explains that the reason his company's going bankrupt is not because of idiotic business practices and institutional inertia but because ... you're a moron!

Despite all the outrage and indignation over Blago's arrest on federal corruption charges, it was we, the people, who let ourselves to be fooled by this "hairdo," not once but twice. And as more of us turn away from substantive, long-form journalism of the kind found in newspapers such as the Tribune and instead to celebrity- or self-centered media, from "American Idol" to MySpace, we're doomed to be duped forevermore.

It takes a special sort of journalistic jujitsu to find a direct correlation between Gov. Blago to MySpace in about 15 words. That would be worthy of salutation, Mr. McCarron, were I not such a mongoloid that I can't bring my hand near my head without accidentally slapping myself. Fortunately, I can go watch "American Idol" now and ignore all the planet's goings-on! Whew! Is that a newspaper over there? Get that away from me! Its inherent intelligence could corrupt my empty placidity!

14. New York Jets (9-5). For the record, Brett Favre has one touchdown and four interceptions in his last three games, two losses and one that should have been. After the big win over the Patriots, I wrote for the magazine: "The season is far from over. But the Jets have a breakthrough victory. They also finally have Favre. No longer are they his rebound relationship. He is now a Jet." And I was right! Because, you see, now he's comfortable in New York, like he was in Green Bay, which means he's comfortable enough to start throwing interceptions all the time. Or something! No idea! Nothing to see here!

13. Minnesota Vikings (9-5). I'd love to raise them higher, but everybody else around them won too, and besides, it was the Buzzsaw. In other news, I know people ripped him around here, but I swear, Robert Weintraub really is pretty good. I suspect he just has better editors at Slate than, uh, me.

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5). This is an awfully steep drop for a team that lost in overtime to a playoff contender while missing their starting quarterback, but seriously, this season makes no sense. If they win their last two, they could be No. 1. Who knows?

11. Miami Dolphins (9-5). It's nice, in the midst of this financial catastrophe, that banks can still be bilked the old fashioned way: By grifters. It's a blast from the past, really.

10. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1). Time for more selections from the Shaq Twitter feed

I feel good dan nan nanna nanna na , lol, sing wit me my twitterean brothers and sista

I wanna b a ufc fighter, raaaaaaaaaaaaaa dats my growl , lol

Even the aliens no me, da ones real far, i speak to em like ibadablaa, Jigamagla, bockeraaa

I feel like I know Shaq better than I know most members of my family.

9. Dallas Cowboys (9-5). This is what bothers me so much about Terrell Owens. After a week's worth of "Terrell's Screwing Everybody And Is A Total Dick" stories, once his team wins, he acts like this was all just something inventing out of plain cloth. If the Cowboys had lost Sunday night, he would have bitched even more and not had anyone retract anything. You don't get to play it both ways. It just drives me crazy. I can't wait until he finally retires — the guy's almost 35, you know — and we can ignore him again. If that means continuing not to subscribe to Showtime, where he'll inevitably end up on "Inside The NFL" once he's gone, so be it.

8. Baltimore Ravens (9-5). Speaking of the Vikings — and I'm aware we weren't speaking of the Vikings — I had to deal with several taunting text messages from Drew while his Thors were pounding my cute birds. An hour after the game, I received an email from him saying that he shouldn't count on any more texts from me because his wife told him they cost 25 cents. First off, he phrased this in a way that implied it was somehow my fault that I was running up his phone bill by reading his taunting messages. And, more to the point: There are still cellphone plans like this? Twenty-five cents? For a text message? Get an iPhone, you dope.

7. Atlanta Falcons (9-5). At this rate, the Falcons are going to end up playing at Minnesota in the first round of the playoffs. To step in the wayback machine, the last time those two teams played in the playoffs was 1998, the same year the Buzzsaw last made the postseason. That was the game in which Gary Anderson missed the easy field goal that would have clinched the game, ultimately costing that rather awesome Vikings team a shot at the Super Bowl. This game would be less fun than that, but it's a nice memory, isn't it?

And that paragraph cost me 25 cents to send.

6. New England Patriots (9-5). Amazingly, I still write that column over at WEEI.com, and I've had a bunch of "readers" email me already this week to taunt me about the upcoming Patriots' romp over my Buzzsaw. In case you were wondering whether or not Boston fans had been humbled in the wake of Brady's injury. Nope.

5. New York Giants (11-3). Uh-oh. I still think the Giants are going to be just fine, and should still be considered the favorite to win the NFC ... but I'm not quite sure why. It's almost as if losing three of your five most talented players ends up hurting your team in the short term. Oh, and for the record, Sports Media Establishment, Deadspin had nothing to do with that Antonio Pierce strip club video. If it had been Deadspin's doing, it would have been entertaining.

4. Indianapolis Colts (10-4). OK, fine, so, the Colts are going to make the playoffs again, and, for all the supposed oddities of this season, you could make an argument that the best three teams in the AFC are, again, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis and New England. Sigh. At least we won't have to watch them play in that soulless new stadium. Even people from Indianapolis hate that building, which is no small feat; I think that's the only building in Indianapolis that holds more than 78 people.

3. Tennessee Titans (12-2). Another reason to cheer for/against the Titans come playoff time? Kerry Collins is now making a country music album. Favorite song title: "I Don’t Need the Whiskey Anymore.” Hey, speak for yourself, Kerry: You're totally boring now.

Thought project: Songs that would be on Vince Young's country album. Go.

2. Carolina Panthers (11-3). I'm actually going out to Giants Stadium for the Panthers-Giants game on Sunday night, and since I don't have a car, I have several transportation options. I could rent a car. I could take the bus. I could call a car service to idle outside the stadium before shipping me back to Brooklyn afterwards. I could walk. (Note: This would take several days.) I think I'm gonna rent the car. The car service is actually more expensive than the rental car, and I'm not sure I want to fight 35,000 people for the pleasure of a ride to the Port Authority. Once again, be happy you don't live in this wretched city.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3). Ladies and gentlemen, it's the world's only likable juggernaut franchise. I'm not sure why nobody hates the Steelers they way they hate the Cowboys, or the Yankees, or the Red Sox, or the Lakers, but they just don't. And I don't hate them either. And, honestly, I kind of hope they make the Super Bowl. Losing to the Buzzsaw, of course.

(You can find all the pictures right here, lest the Arizona Republic get mad at me for blatantly stealing borrowing their photo.)

I watched the happiest Buzzsaw moment ever from a bar on the Upper East Side, with a friend who has gleefully decided that, hey, now I'm an Arizona Cardinals fan! I have no problem with this, because, for once, I have someone with whom to watch a Buzzsaw game. I know it's not real, I know he's only bandwagon pretending, and I do not care. If you have someone accompanying you when you ask to put the Arizona Cardinals game on, the bartender is less likely to make you watch the tiny black-and-white television in the back of the bar.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder how nice it must have been to be in Glendale. Lifelong Buzzsaw fans, there, in person, on the day they finally broke through. How electric must that atmosphere have been? Well, take it from the Arizona Republic's Kent Somers:

The attendance was announced at 63,270 but there were more empty seats in this game than I can remember for any Cardinals game at University of Phoenix Stadium. And many of the fans had left well before the game ended. Maybe the fact that a division title was pretty much in hand weeks ago made staying around less attractive.

Uh ... excuse me?

A year-and-a-half ago, I asked a fellow lifelong Arizona Cardinals fan, albeit one who grew up in Arizona, what it was like actually being a season ticket holder. I'd never been to Arizona at the time, and I've still never been to a game. He was there Sunday. Here's how he described the scene:

While the Cardinals were crashing at ASU’s Sun Devil Stadium, the only sections that were full for every game were the west grandstand behind the home sideline and the end zones. This was done for survival: early season temperatures are well over 100, but in the second half the sun would dip behind the butte adjacent to the stadium and shade the west side. While the fifteen thousand or so Cardinals fans would get some relief, the visiting team and fans on the east side had no protection from the searing afternoon sun. This was part of the Cardinals’ home field advantage. The Cardinals had a 100-188 record while the team was based in Tempe.

With a secure lead in the fourth quarter on Sunday, most of the sellout crowd got an early start to the parking lots or the bleak chain restaurants of Glendale. Well, much of the sellout crowd never showed up in the first place. But the west grandstand and end zones remained full until the end, just like during the lean years in Tempe. Despite an inevitable division championship the longtime Cardinals fan knows to wait until the clock reads zero. Those hardcore fans stayed and cheered for fifteen minutes after time ran out. The players headed to the locker room, perhaps out of instinct, but soon returned to celebrate with their fans. There were some tears. The players gave fans handshakes and mementos. Bertrand Berry, who endured the Dennis Green regime to become a team leader, threw his helmet high in the air and took a lap around the stadium with a fan’s homemade “NFC West Champions” sign. Adrian Wilson, the longest-tenured Cardinal, was emotional as he recalled the pain of the previous seven years. Kurt Warner knelt at midfield; I have heard he is quite religious.

OK, so, there were some fans hanging around. But still.

I find this personally frustrating, but if I weren't a fan of the Buzzsaw, I'd be more annoyed. One of the dumber "storylines" used commonly during the baseball playoffs was how great Tampa Bay's run was for "long-suffering Rays fans." At the time I made the argument that, well, there were no long-suffering Rays fans, or at least not so many as to champion it as some major occurrence. The Buzzsaw are the same way. The team has lost repeatedly for 34 years, and when they finally break through ... most of the fans leave early and the team has to publicize their achievement by scribbling on the back of towels. This is what happens when your team loses for 34 years.

So, if the Buzzsaw end up doing anything in the playoffs, beware of the "their fans have earned it!" designations. Because, if those above stories are even slightly indicative, there are very, very few fans who have actually earned it. I'll confess, I kind of think I have. But lots of teams' fans have ... and there are more of them.

Yesterday, I bought a plane ticket to go to Arizona for their first playoff game, whenever that is. (I'm assuming they won't end up with a bye.) I have a feeling I'm not going to have any trouble finding tickets.

32. Detroit Lions (0-13). Everyone seems to be conceding the winless season now, but I dunno: The way the Packers are going, I can't imagine them being particularly inspired to avoid history at Lambeau in Week 17. No matter what happens in that game, I can guarantee you Brett Favre will be Tivo-ing it. Side note about Tivo: I still find it amusing how Tivo's lawyers get pissy when you use their name as a verb. (A couple of years ago, I got a nasty note from them for doing it, and it pretty much happens all the time.) The fear is that the general public will just think of "Tivo" as a general digital video recorder, rather than a brand name, like what happened to Xerox and Kleenex. I don't have a Tivo, but man, I Tivo all the time!

31. St. Louis Rams (2-11). The Buzzsaw was up 27-7 early in the fourth quarter Sunday, and the Rams were facing fourth and, like, 3, on the Buzzsaw 34. Certainly, the game looked to be somewhat in hand, but the Rams were still only three scores back. Rather than go for it — considering, you know, who cares? — the Rams kicked a field-goal to make it 27-10, putting them ... three scores back. Contrast this with the 49ers, who went for it on fourth-and-1 at midfield twice against the Jets. When Mike Singletary has a head coaching job next year and Jim Haslett doesn't, you'll know why. Plus, Singletary is a crazy person. That helps too. Puts butts in seats. Pantless butts.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1). Palin watch! I don't quite understand the hullabaloo about the Republic National Committee spending $165,000 on stylists for Palin during her nine weeks on the campaign trail. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if Palin weren't attractive, she would have never been chosen in the first place. Right? Don't you want to protect that asset as much as possible? You mean to tell me they could have spent that money on anything more worthwhile? Oh, sure, yeah, get a radio ad in southern Montana: That's smart budgeting! I'd be more concerned if they spent $165,000 on making McCain look good. Because they probably would have needed a lot more. Though SNL made him look all right back in the day.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11). Bad signs: Herman Edwards was asked if he had any interest in the head coaching job at San Diego State. He said: "I have a college team right now." The bad sign is not that Herman Edwards is aware of how bad his team is. The bad sign is when you are a pro coach and you're being asked about openings at San Diego State.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-10). Without question, the most depressing editorial cartoon I've seen all week:

To be fair, it wasn't a tough competition. Editorial cartoons usually aren't that depressing. Mark Lisanti, as always, has the best line: "Kent will probably land on his feet, but I’m afraid poor Jimmy Olsen’s going to be getting by on giving $5 handjobs in the alley behind the Daily Planet."

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-11).. I'm officially predicting Seattle as the home of both Matt Cassel and Plaxico Burress next year. I've been working on a big feature for NY mag about the Giants, so I've spent the whole week interviewing naked athletes in East Rutherford. It will be a happy day when I never have to think about Plaxico Burress — or the idiotic "Saturday Night Live sketch" about him — again.

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9). Marty Schottenheimer might be returning to Cleveland. This is rather perfect. Other things I hope to happen: "The Drew Carey Show" returns to primetime television, Brad Daughtery will scrap the Nascar and go back to playing center and Clevelanders will make Dennis Kucinich mayor again. Actually, that would be pretty amazing. They'd sell seaweed at Indians games.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9). I can't overstate to you people how great The Official Shaq Twitter is. I know it has been written about, but come on: This is brilliance of the highest order. Among the most recent posts:

Just saw punisher, great bloody movie, aggggggh, dats what i , nevamind lol, aggggggh (growl) (snarl) spit

The stars at nite r big n bright clap clap clap clap deep n da heart of texas, im n dallas

Is plexico in trouble, mayor bloomberg sounded mad

Someone really, REALLY needs to put together a performance art piece about this.

24. Green Bay Packers (5-8). Today's big story from the Green Bay Press Gazette is actually a pretty great one: "Dog that froze to sidewalk is recovering." You know, after seeing that headline, I think I might read on:

Jiffy, a male, was freed by Payne and two other Humane Society employees, who poured warm water over its back end. The owner told police she tried to get the dog inside but was unable to, and instead checked on the dog every few hours, police said. The temperature dipped to 6 degrees overnight, according to the National Weather Service.

The dog was "morbidly obese," they say. This is the equivalent of the guy in the emergency room who's so fat that nurses find various objects in his fat rolls, like a remote control or that long-lost niece. (Not that my mother works in an ER and has to deal with this on a daily basis or anything.)

23. Buffalo Bills (6-7). From what I understand, there are 10 days of major social activity in Buffalo. The eight home games for the Bills, Christmas and the Ballroom/Tango Dance at the Brounshilde VFW every Wednesday. (I am counting that as one event.) Taking away one of those games just seems cruel. But man, if I lived in Toronto, I'd be flipping out at the possibility of having that team come to town, after that game. Boy howdy.

22. San Francisco 49ers (5-8). SHOTY No. 16 appearance aside, at this point, it would seem that Singletary would have to hold onto the coaching job next year. I don't think I'm along in requesting "Hard Knocks" cameras to put in their application for Niners' camp, like, immediately.

21. San Diego Chargers (5-8). You know, I think I'd enjoy FireNorv.net a lot more if the site's purveyor weren't obviously insane.

Come and have fun. Speak freely in the comments section. Smack talking is encouraged but try to keep it funny and good hearted. WE ARE ALL CHARGERS FANS AFTER ALL! We just might disagree. Feel free to tell me what a jackass I am but don't be surprised if I point out that your a moron. I'm glad you came by and no I don't make money from this website. Its a free blog. Oh and if your a Pats fan go screw yourself. No I take that back. Pats fans just bought a t-shirt from me. I have a huge box of them left. Somebody please buy them.

Hey, you know, the guy needs to unload some T-shirts.

20. Houston Texans (6-7). OK, I had to check this four times to make sure it was right: The Texans are 6-7??? What? They've got two home games and a roader against Oakland coming up. Honestly, I had assumed the Texans were, like, 3-10. And you wonder why these rankings rarely make sense.

19. Washington Redskins (7-6). Want to know how strange this season has been? There are 19 teams over .500 and only 13 under it. That doesn't seem possible; I feel like somebody's math is wrong. Oh, what a year to have the AFC and NFC Wests on your schedule. The Buzzsaw is one win away from going 6-0 against the NFC West and 3-7 against everybody else. Go crazy, folks!

18. New Orleans Saints (7-6). The best part about living in New York City: Sometimes, for no reason, Bill Murray will just show up at your party and tell you you're wasting your life.

The weirdest part of the experience is not that Bill showed up at some random ragtag Halloween party, but that it's only one of several out-of-place encounters New York City hipsters have had with the actor in the past few months. From hanging out with rock bands to hitting on twentysomething women at bars, Bill seems to be going through his own unique midlife crisis. He's not a boozy, sweaty party hound who gets caught on camera cheesing it up with pretty young girls (see: Mel Gibson, Bono); rather, he's more like a ghost in the night, who shows up out of nowhere, engages in utterly random conversations and then exits gracefully—leaving witnesses to wonder what the hell just happened. Deadpan, detached and seeming a bit lonely, Bill Murray is NYC's most unlikely new party guy.

This makes me sad in a profound way that I cannot place.

17. Chicago Bears (7-6). In honor of the 1985 Bears, the team that not even Barack Obama could usurp in the minds of Chicagoans, here's a grand new site: BeTaMaXMas. Basically, some maniac has wired kitschy YouTube videos to play on an old rabbit-ears television. So far, I've seen ALF, a Billy Squier holiday song and, most awesomely, "Christmas Comes To Pac-Man Land." And ... there goes my evening.

16. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Since I've already covered the Buzzsaw, I'll just say that I was really looking forward to making fun of ESPN.com's new design, except that I kind of like it, and Deadspin, from what I understand, is about to go through another massive one. And boy, do I know how much Deadspin readers like change. Part of me wants to comment from my Facebook account just so people will attack me on my wall.

15. Minnesota Vikings (8-5). Honestly, the most important game of the week, really, swear, no kidding, is the Minnesota at Arizona game. Winner is pretty much set with the No. 3 seed in the NFC. If the Buzzsaw lose, there is no reason to worry about the rest of the year. They can lose the rest of the games, or win the rest of their games, and they're locked into that No. 4 spot. So. If they lose, I repeat: Play Leinart the rest of the way. Warner's not winning the MVP anyway, and if the Cardinals' first home playoff game since 1947 — 1947! — features Matt Leinart starting at QB because Warner got hurt in an unnecessary game ... we're going to have a problem.

14. Denver Broncos (8-5). You know who understands the Web? Jann Wenner! From an interview that's not from 15 years ago but, in fact, from this week:

MediaWorks: How much of Wenner Media's ad revenue comes from digital operations?

Jann Wenner: Honestly, I don't know.

Finger on the pulse, that guy! Another great excerpt:

MediaWorks: What websites do you regularly visit?

Jann Wenner: I look at RollingStone.com actually to tell you the truth. That's my default site. I read The Times every night. I use Google, YouTube, you know, that kind of stuff.

MediaWorks: No favorite blogs or other sources of news?

Jann Wenner: You know what the problem is? Finding enough time to read and raise children is just like, whoof.

Pretty fantastic Palin-esque answer there, Jann. I have 100 percent confidence that Jann Wenner's products are going to succeed dramatically in the future. With that kind of commitment at the very top of the company, how could they not?

13. New York Jets (8-5). Uh-oh. It's pretty amusing, actually, how the Giants and Jets have essentially traded seasons this year. At the beginning, everyone was paying attention to the Jets because of Brett Favre and missing the genius of what the Giants were doing. Now that Plaxico has happened, people are watching the Giants for all the wrong reasons and ignoring the sudden, somewhat inexplicable collapse of the Jets. What happened here? Is Bill Cowher coaching these guys next year? Will he be coaching Favre? Shit really does happen fast these days.

12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5). Aw, man, seriously, was there a more beautiful sight that watching all the Cowboys snipe at each other on the sidelines after they lost Sunday? What a blessed holiday gift: All the Cowboys eager to scratch each other's throats out. You know what? I love Tony Romo, but don't you get the sense these guys are just outdated? The NFL doesn't run on guys like Romo and Owens anymore; they run on Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Kerry Collins and James Harrison. The Cowboys are the Jann Wenner of the NFL: Discuss.

11. New England Patriots (8-5). The Patriots are TOUGH! Witness my "colleague" over at WEEI.com, the esteemed Michael Felger:

We’ll talk about the level of competition some other time. The Seattle Seahawks get paid. The NFL logo is stitched onto their jerseys. The game counted. And that means you shouldn’t be embarrassed to call the Patriots’ come-from-behind, 24-21 victory at Qwest Field Sunday what it truly was: Tough. Clutch. Gutsy. The Pats may be without many of the players that brought them their three championships, whether it is through injury, age or free agency. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some very tough football players left in that locker room.

Some day, I'd like to see a team lose, and have the beat reporter write, "Well, the problem with the Seahawks today is that they were a bunch of goddamned pussies." That would be an enjoyable day.

10. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1). Woo-hoo! I get to overrate the Eagles again! Boy, how I'd missed it. Hey, so I just got this email from Hillary Clinton's mom:

Dear Will,

I'm so proud of everything my daughter has accomplished and excited about what her future holds.

Her life is full of amazing achievements, and her story has inspired millions of people, especially young girls, to achieve their dreams, no matter what they are.

There's a wonderful book about her life I'd like to share with you. It's called Hillary Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight, and it is the perfect way to share my daughter's story with a child you want to inspire.

As you know, Hillary is still working hard to pay down the debt from her campaign, and I hope you'll take this opportunity to help her out. With your contribution of $50, you will receive a copy of Dreams Taking Flight with a specially designed Hillary Clinton bookplate.

And for that special person in your life, with a contribution of $250 or more, you will receive a book that's personally signed by Hillary to him or her by name.

Contribute to help pay down Hillary's debt, and we'll send you a copy of Hillary Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight.

I know you're just as proud as I am of everything my daughter has achieved, and I want to thank you for everything you've done to support her!

Thanks,
Dorothy

I won't make a habit out of this, but I'm just gonna quote straight from my shiny new tumblr: "You know, in retrospect, I’m pretty pissed at the publicity staff at HarperCollins for not coming up with the idea of having my mother email people telling them that if they buy God Save The Fan for $250, they could help pay off her son’s debt. A clear marketing opportunity missed."

9. Miami Dolphins (8-5). Considering how terrifying the job market is right now, I found this Slate "Hot Document" particularly chilling. It's a look at employee handbooks and how they advise managers to lay off employees. (They found one extremely ugly PowerPoint presentation.) The worst: The Employee Termination Guidebook, which "urges managers to move quickly before the doomed employee starts 'telling lies about you, turning others against you and destroying your reputation.'" That book costs $247.

8. Atlanta Falcons (8-5). I kind of think these guys might go crazy and win their last three, and blitz everybody they see in the playoffs. I'm not sure why.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4). I'll confess to missing most of last night's game, because my Illini were busy knocking around the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, or whatever they're called these days. Funny thing about that game: Hawaii actually had no other games on the mainland but this one. They actually flew all the way to the continental U.S. just to play in Champaign. I love Central Illinois, but I can assure them that it was not worth it. By the way, since I still don't get the Big Ten Network, I have to watch all Illini highlights on BigTenNetwork.com. In case you were wondering what happened to the "Dream Job" guy.

(By the way, thank you IlliniHQ, Smile Politely, Mark Tupper and the Daily Illini for keeping me fully updated on our guys while I'm stranded here in New York.)

6. Baltimore Ravens (9-4). I enjoyed Fimoculous.com's ongoing 2008 End-Of-Year-Lists List, because I am under the age of 35 and therefore will read absolutely anything in list form. Therefore, in an attempt to get on the list, a list:

TEN FEELINGS WILL LEITCH HAD DURING 2008

10. Apprehension.
9. Confusion.
8. Indigestion.
7. Arousal.
6. The Vague Concern That He Has A Sticky Film On Him That Just Won't Rinse Away.
5. Hangnail Envy.
4. Suspicion That He Might Be Related To Character Actor Michael Rooker.
3. Paper Cut.
2. Disingenuity.
1. Love.

5. Indianapolis Colts (9-4). In about two weeks, I'll be spending a full Tuesday afternoon in Indianapolis. And yes, I do have a countdown clock above my desk, thanks for asking.

4. Carolina Panthers (10-3). Ah, running back platoon combos. Perfect for coaches who want to win. Bad for the rest of the planet. By the way, having sat through a game at Bank of America Stadium a couple of weeks ago, I can only assume there was crowd noise being pumped into that place by ESPN last night. Stadium's like a morgue.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3). It has been pointed out that any posts I write for New York Magazine's Web site that happen to mention Deadspin should bear a disclaimer. Obviously, this is an oversight on my part. To correct some of my past mistakes:

Finally, a Story Line for the Giants: Note: Author has several friends who are Giants fans and cheers for Kurt Warner, who was once a Giant..
The Office: Surprise Wedding!: Author once had a sports blog, as did Michael Schur, the man who plays Mose Schrute.
‘Heroes’: Deep Sigh: Author is under the age of 40, like "Heroes" stars Masi Oka, Zachary Quinto and Sendhil Ramamurthy.
Plaxico Burress, a Diva Among Giants: Author once fired a gun.
Who Says LeBron Wants Anything to Do With the Knicks?: Author once lived in the Midwest.
This Post: Author still not over the encouraging-homeless-people-to-masturbate-to-pictures-of-his-girlfriend post.

I regret the omissions.

2. New York Giants (11-2). After spending all last week in the Giants locker room, and probably most of next week too, I have to agree with everyone else who's ever had such an unpleasant experience: It's amazing we don't see player dong more often on our television screens. I'm kind of surprised the XFL didn't pioneer the Locker Room Penis Cam, really.

1. Tennessee Titans (12-1). You know, I've always felt bad for people who have amnesia. It must be horrible. Plus, everyone will always just think you're a plot device from a bad TV show that has run out of ideas. It's a vicious circle.

A few things I noticed about the paper:

1. Because no one wants to work late the night before Thanksgiving, all the sports scores were from Tuesday rather than Wednesday. This led to the rather odd sensation of reading a document that was literally 36 hours old, delivering news as if it had just happened. It is one thing to be scooped by online news sources overnight. It is quite another to miss an entire day of news and pretend as if you have not.

2. The most read pages of the paper, in the household in which I was staying and elsewhere, without question, were the ones with the comics, Dear Abby and the horoscopes. I had forgotten about Dear Abby. To read Dear Abby is to be beamed in from a universe in which everyone is mostly preoccupied with kitchen etiquette, spending the holidays alone and how to explain to suitors that you'd rather not accompany them to the fair. The only way Dear Abby could get any better would be if it were read out loud by Paul Harvey.

3. The Ledger-Enquirer has a section called "Sound Off," in readers can send in their unvarnished thoughts on issues of the day, and the paper will print them. It is, not to put too fine a point on it, exactly like the worst comment section of a blog you've ever read, minus the idiots yelling "FIRST!" A few selections:

*** Nowadays, if you pay attention to the facts and have common sense, they say you’re “filled with hate.”
*** Don’t get angry when I blow my horn at you. Your phone conversation is not as important as living through your bad driving habits.
*** Ever notice that if you barely run that red light, the next lights ahead are green all the way? Traffic engineers should try driving in Columbus instead of playing with their computers.
*** Biden warned voters about the negative aspect of an Obama victory. The blood of the India terror victims is on the hands of Obama voters!

The best part about this is that the "Soundoff" page actually has its own comment section. Those are even better:

*** The word imbecile means an adult with the mentality of a six year old or a foolish or stupid person. It "must take one to know one" considering the spelling of the word in the previous comment. Funny!
*** Some embaciles will try to pin anything on Obama. How about pinning the stock market's conscequetive session gains on him too? That's where it belongs.

You can be a part of "Sound Off" by emailing soundoff@ledger-enquirer.com or calling 706-571-8583. You have to limit your comments to 35 words, though, so make the screaming count.

This is all to say: I love newspapers, with all of my heart. To this day, writing something for a newspaper means more to me than writing something online. But not that much more. Not enough more. Everything just seems to be moving ... so ... slooooow. I don't think this is because I have a short attention span. I think it's just different now. It happens.

There's been a debate recently about whom to blame for the decline of newspapers. Some say it's the blogs, some say it's the consumers, some say it's the journalists themselves. (I am far from convinced by this argument, taken down artfully right here.) I think the real answer is: Craig Newmark. Craig's List devastated the classified section of newspapers, which was a major financial lifeblood. This peaceful, idealistic 56-year-old Free Internet advocate dried up a major revenue stream. Blame him. Leave the journalists alone. They'll find a place. They're good. People will never stop desiring news. Obviously.

And hey: We'll always have books. Right? RIGHT?

Now, as I finish becoming the 45 millionth journalist to endlessly pontificate on The Future Of Journalism, we move on. Thankfully. Maybe we could settle this whole question just by asking Abby.

32. Detroit Lions (0-12). It was with much curiosity and delight that I saw this headline on the Detroit Free-Press site: "A 4-step plan to turn the Lions around." Four steps? Man, this plan must be brilliant! I would have expected at least 14. And then I caught the first one: "1. The NFL must assume temporary guardianship of this franchise." Wait, what? Columnist Drew Sharp suggests we "[d]eclare the Lions intellectually bankrupt and remove the decision of finding the next chief executive from [William Clay] Ford’s hands." I can only assume the next three steps involve hiring a unicorn to play quarterback and installing an offensive line full of orcs.

"4. The Lions must cut ticket prices a minimum of 10% in response to a bad economy and bad product." Yep! I was right!

31. St. Louis Rams (2-10). A big salute to this guy, whose (presumably) imaginary new book is titled: "Causality, Subjectivity and the Disappearance of the Physical Frontier: A Theory of Black-Out Drinking as Time Travel." You know, I'd read that book.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1). Palin watch! Actually: Fey Watch! I gleefully ate up Vanity Fair's (and Maureen Dowd's!) cover story on Tina Fey this month, mostly because I enjoy her husband so much. His name is Jeff Richmond, he is 48, he is short and he seems somewhat uncomfortable with what his life has turned into.

“I know how she feels about some things,” Richmond tells me over coffee one day at an Italian place around the corner from his house. “Like, we never had to deal with any of this, but: adultery. Just looking at examples from other people’s lives, we know that anything like that, messing around, is just such a complete ‘No’ to her. And she has her principles and she sticks to her principles more than anybody I’ve ever met in my life. Like that whole idea of, if you are in a relationship, there are deal breakers. There’s not a lot of gray area in being flirty with somebody. She’s very black-and-white: ‘We’re married—you can’t.’ ” He calls their marriage “borderline boring—in a good way.” And she concurs: “I don’t enjoy any kind of danger or volatility. I don’t have that kind of ‘I love the bad guys’ thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people.”

So, in other words, when you're a 48-year-old Smurf who lucked into marrying the funny hot girl, you feel obliged to point out what a good guy you are for not cheating on her. Though you probably would, if she weren't so damned uptight about it. Well played, man. Class act.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10). I didn't watch the Rosie O'Donnell variety show that ran last week — I know, right? The holidays are so busy, I miss out on everything great — but, from all accounts, it was epically awful. I have to salute Vanity Fair's Michael Rowe, for this line: "The first ten minutes she talked of her over-stretched undergarments. Don’t get me wrong, her Spanx girdle, no doubt, worked the hardest of all on the show, but she was tugging and pulling and adjusting so much that I swear, the front row took cover, worried that things were gonna blow wide open. This is a large woman. She could pocket-dial a phone booth. When I fast-forwarded her, my Tivo had to stop and catch its breath."

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-10). While we're swiping things from great magazines that aren't the one I work for, you might remember our own Pat Jordan and his brilliant takedown of Jose Canseco, a story that led to Canseco firing his lawyer. Well, Jordan talked to Mickey Rourke for The New York Times Magazine, and it's quite a read. Basically, Rourke lies about everything, loves Sarah Palin, is obsessed with chihuahuas and once got fired from a film because Nicole Kidman was scared of him. (The film, in an odd twist no one's talking about, was In The Cut, which eventually starred Meg Ryan, whose mother happens to be married to ... Pat Jordan! Meg Ryan doesn't talk to her mother, by the way.) The story ends, amazingly, with Rourke and Jordan bonding over the honor of letting your dogs excrete on you. I fucking love journalism sometimes.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-9). In San Francisco, I love me some Ray Ratto. He nails the genius of Tom Cable's awesome fake-field-goal call Sunday. That's the way they drew it up! For the record, every team should be required to try at least one fake field goal every three weeks. Just to drive coaches slightly more insane.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8). God, what happened to these guys? And speaking of God! My DC Talk-inspired column last week caught the attention of the Christian sports site Prayers for Blowouts, which is a much better site than many of you would probably think. For fun, I did an interview with them, in which I confess to seeing a Christian band that only covered Oak Ridge Boys songs. Christ, I miss Mattoon sometimes. Enjoy, and mock away.

25. Cleveland Browns (4-8). They're dropping like dead flies — why has the expression always been "dropping like flies?" Flies don't drop; they, you know, fly — behind center in Cleveland. Romeo Crennel must have felt just great, hearing that he needs a "miraculous" turnaround to keep his job just a couple of hours before his quarterback is knocked out for the season. Maybe Ken Dorsey will be awesome the rest of the way, win every game and, Derek Anderson-esque, convince the Browns to keep him around for another year, just so Brady Quinn can hate himself one more season. Brady's natural state, I'm certain, is standing around blankly, waiting for someone to call his name.

24. San Francisco 49ers (4-8). Vastly underrated message boards? The ones at Baseball Prospectus. They've got a combination of extreme wonkdom and social misfittery that truly brings out pearls of genius. Witness this response to a post from Christina Kahrl, wishing readers a Happy Thanksgiving:

Let's take this opportunity to give thanks to Governeur Morris, Andrew Jackson, and all the other brave North Americans who secured this continent for European culture. Without them, we might have never gotten to enjoy baseball.

And this response:

Wow, that's a brave thing to say. Aren't Hitler, Stalin, and the IRA part of European culture? Did the native cultures of America not have some positive things to add to our culture? moccasins? canoes? jewelry design? corn? (We won't mention smoking.) I wonder what was wiped out that we could have be enjoying today.

Oh, Baseball Prospectus commenters, please don't ever stop being you.

23. San Diego Chargers (4-8). It was odd to see how many prognosticators, at the season's midpoint, were still thinking the Chargers were coming out of the AFC West. Eventually, not even the Broncos could lose enough to save the Chargers. This team could lose 12 games. The Chargers! But hey, they really gelled under Norv Turner during the playoffs last year.

22. Green Bay Packers (5-7). This week in the Green Bay Press-Gazette: "Neville exhibit displays Christmas of years past." There's a museum called the Neville Public Museum of Brown County — they have a Web site — and it features "a Neville exhibit featuring Christmas window displays from the old Prange's department store." We really lost something when we lost Prange's, you know? By the way, Santas are a lot freaking scarier in Green Bay.

21. Houston Texans (5-7). Credit to ESPN programming, which must have decided not to outsource "Monday Night Football" scheduling to Fred Hickman this year. (By the way, isn't that the best story? John Anderson's inside joke about Hickman has instantly made him one of my favorite anchors.) Last night's horrible game will be the last one of the year, unless you count Cleveland-Philadelphia, which might be fun, if just to see Donovan McNabb looking around nervously for Rush Limbaugh. This week is Tampa Bay-Carolina, which is a much bigger game than anyone could have expected, and they end it with Green Bay-Chicago, which is worthwhile to see which completely disorienting fact we'll learn about Brian Urlacher.

20. Buffalo Bills (6-6). After that crushing loss, the Bills get to "host" the Dolphins in Toronto this weekend. You know what'll be funny? When, on "The Blitz," Chris Berman — a guy I can really only tolerate on that show — makes jokes about "sacre bleu!" and uses a wacky French accent, even though Chinese and Italian are actually more prominent languages in Toronto. But hey, Chris: All is forgiven if you slip in a deux deux deux line.

19. New Orleans Saints (6-6). So I saw The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button last week, and it's fine, if a bit distant and chilly for a movie that has a plot and main character dangerously similar to Forrest Gump. (Listen to Drew: Rent Zodiac instead.) One issue I had with the movie? It takes place during Hurricane Katrina. Essentially, Cate Blanchett's character does the Gloria Stuart thing and tells us her life story while the storm crashes around her. Because no one suffered more from Hurricane Katrina than elderly white ballerinas on their deathbed? I know, I'm being unfair. I'm just trying to get you to see "The Wrestler" instead.

18. Chicago Bears (6-6). Just asking here, but ... and no offense to our man Kyle Orton here ... but is there a better destination next year for Michael Vick than Chicago? They desperately need playmakers, Chicago's good about embracing guys who wore out their welcome elsewhere (Dennis Rodman, for example) and, as anyone who grew up in Illinois can tell you, the state requires you to torture and kill a certain number of animals a week. It's a perfect fit! Though somehow, I just sense Barack Obama would find a way to quash this. Stupid government, sticking its nose in our business.

17. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (7-5). To be fair, asking this team to recover from that grueling Giants game in three days, with a cross country trip involved, is ridiculous. But I can no longer kid myself: With Denver looking better, the Buzzsaw's probably going to be the worst team in the playoffs. That said: Who cares? The Buzzsaw can clinch the playoffs this week! The last time this happened, I was 23 years old, stoned and living in St. Louis, jumping around The Sporting News' newsroom screaming, in a blatant attempt to get fired. (Didn't work, somehow.) I'd like to thank the Bills for collapsing at home this week, allowing the Buzzsaw to clinch the NFC West this week in front of their own fans. I will have champagne ready. (OK, Boone's Farm.) Making the playoffs, for this franchise, happens twice every 30 years. I am going to appreciate what I have, rather than lament what I don't.

16. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1). You know, as a guy who has Kevin Kolb in a fantasy sleeper league ... I think we've seen just about enough of Donovan McNabb. Time to step out of the way, fella, and make way for a new generation.

15. Miami Dolphins (7-5). Uh ... the Dolphins' next three foes are the Bills, 49ers and Chiefs. How did that happen? They've got the Jets in Week 17 in a game that might be for the AFC East. This team won one game last year! Drew was right: Bill Parcells has more genius in his gunt than the rest of us have in all the body parts that aren't our gunt.

14. Washington Redskins (7-5). Henry Abbott, who really is doing the Lord's work over at True Hoop, broke down where Stephon Marbury might land once he's finally booted from New York. On the list: Boston, San Antonio and New Orleans. You know, whatever your thoughts about Marbury, he's clearly the smartest athlete in sports. He's getting his full salary, he'll likely end up with a title contender and he'll play well enough in the playoffs to get a better deal next year than he would have if he'd just stuck around with the Knicks all year. Who needs an agent?

13. New England Patriots (7-5). Barring lingering aftereffects from that rough one yesterday, the Pats have winnable games against the Seahawks and Raiders the next two weeks before hosting the Buzzsaw a few days before Christmas. Just in case you thought you were done with these guys.

12. Minnesota Vikings (7-5). Speaking of Buzzsaw matchups — because I'm the only one who ever will — the Vikings head to the Pink Taco in a couple of weeks for a game that's looking like it'll decide who has the No. 3 seed in the NFC. That's no small beans, because it means you could avoid the Giants for an extra week. Gus Frerotte vs. Kurt Warner. I love football.

11. Denver Broncos (7-5). I have no particular issue with Hillary Clinton, other than that she claims to be a Cubs fan. But do I really want to see this woman on my television screen again every day for the next four years? I think it'd be awesome if she was like, "I'm not running for anything, fuck it" and started wearing low-cut dresses to her press conferences. By the way, here are some people who have been Secretary of State: Cordell Hull, Bainbridge Colby, Elihu Root, Hamilton Fish and Hugh S. Legaré. So, you know, big shoes to fill.

10. Dallas Cowboys (8-4). Were you working on Thanksgiving? Here's guide to what your day was like. Some highlights:

3:00 p.m. Call your mother. Tell her you’re going to be a little late tonight. She’s very proud that you have such an important job that they can’t spare you even on a holiday. Realize you have always hated her.

3:30 p.m. Take a break from ESPN to call girlfriend. It goes straight to voicemail. Suddenly you miss her a lot. Why did she have to go away for the weekend?

4:40 p.m. Vow to stop reading the internet and get back to work and really crank this thing out. Dinner officially started at 4 but it always gets going late. You can make it if you put one solid hour of work in right now.

4:50 p.m. Scroll through cell phone numbers. Compose a mass text message to everyone who you don’t know for certain is out of town. “Hey! You still in town. Let’s get together tonight to recover from our families.” Realize this is the saddest thing yor’ve ever written.

9. Baltimore Ravens (8-4). It's a flex game! Look! Watch it flex! By the way, I've got a chapter in the paperback version of the book — coming out right before the Super Bowl! With all new material! — about the Bissinger-Costas business. I've found that anytime I watch "Sunday Night Football" with anyone, they keep looking at me every time Costas comes on, like I'm secretly scowling or something. At least Bissinger has the good manners to stay off of television every week.

8. New York Jets (8-4). You know what's fun about weekly magazines? Writing stories for the magazine on Wednesday that are completely dated by Monday, just because you finally started believing in the Jets right before they laid their biggest egg. Stupid passage of time ... hey, what was I saying about the Columbus newspaper?

7. Atlanta Falcons (8-4). I know that writing this is going to curse them to get killed tonight, but hey: How about those 6-0 Illinois Fighting Illini! Mike Tisdale is the 2008 version of Jack Sikma ... discuss. (By the way, it's possible that the Big Ten could win the Big Ten/ACC Challenge and the Arizona Cardinals could make the playoffs ... in the same year! The apocalypse is upon us!)

6. Carolina Panthers (9-3). Time for some more "Chinese Democracy" love. Another great song is "Catcher in the Rye," which supposedly has a lead guitar part from Brian May. The song seems to have nothing to do with the book; in fact, it seems unaware that there is, in fact, a book with that same title. It reminded me of Warrant's "Uncle Tom's Cabin," which was similarly clueless. The best part is that the Warrant song is actually about this guy's uncle, who is named Tom, who happened to have a cabin. Outstanding.

5. Indianapolis Colts (8-4). The Colts don't score an offensive touchdown, and still they win. It's a good thing Peyton Manning is a low-key, elusive presence on my television screen, or I might start to become annoyed with this team. (You see, he's in a lot of commercials. How old is that "joke?" Five years? At least?)

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3). Underplayed angle: The Buccaneers are closer than anyone's been in a while to becoming the first team to host a Super Bowl. They're probably going to end up with the No. 2 seed in the playoffs, which means they're a win over Arizona or Minnesota, plus an upset of the Giants (hey, it could happen!) away from pulling that off. The next two Super Bowls after this one are in Miami and Dallas. So if it's gonna happen, I think we'd all prefer it to happen now.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3). Seriously, doesn't it seem like the Steelers play a contender every week? I figured they'd have to have exhausted them all by now, but nope: It's Dallas this week, then Baltimore, then Tennessee. Meanwhile, my math might be wrong here, but the Broncos play the Lions four more times.

2. Tennessee Titans (11-1). Hey, it was nice that they let Vince Young run around for a while, wasn't it? It's good to let the sad kid run around for a while. It's like giving the fat kid a chance to play soccer when the score's 8-0 already. Come on, it'll make him feel better! I encourage you to play around on Young's official Web site for a while, if you can ever get the damned thing to load.

1. New York Giants (11-1). I'm really not sure how I can possibly improve on the fact that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh while drunk. When that happens, you just have to figure it's not your year. At least he avoided his driver.

A few highlights:

“Today we’re beginning this sexperiment, seven days of sex,” he said, with his characteristic mix of humor, showmanship and Scripture. “How to move from whining about the economy to whoopee!”

...

One parishioner, Rob Hulsey, 25, said his Baptist relatives raised their eyebrows about it, but he summed up the reaction of many husbands at Fellowship Church when he first heard about the sex challenge — “Yay!”

A week later, he and his wife, who are expecting a baby and have two older children, could not stop holding hands during the sermon. His wife, Madeline Hulsey, 32, said she was just as thrilled to spend a week focusing on her husband. Usually, “we start to kiss, and it’s knock knock knock, Mom!” she said.

Others found that, like smiling when you are not particularly happy, having sex when they did not feel like it improved their mood.

There's advice for single people too: "'If you’ve said, ‘I do,’ do it,” he said. As for single people, “I don’t know, try eating chocolate cake,' he said." Yeah, easy for you to say, fella. I'm glad he emphasized eating. Might have been some confusion.

As someone who spent the first 17 years of his life as a rather devoted churchgoer, I've always found the idea of the "cool" preacher a fascinating one. If I learned anything from "Doubt," it's that, inevitably, someone accuses the "cool" preacher of diddling someone he shouldn't. This last weekend, I attended a Presbyterian wedding in New York — and, as friends of both of the bride and groom, allow me to thank the Times for not having a comments section; they leave that to Gawker — and the minister was a "cool" preacher. He kept his remarks short, seemed like a fun guy and even made a "raise your hand if you know the groom, and I don't mean in a Biblical sense," which annoyed me, because that's my joke. But he at least knew well enough not to start imploring the bride and groom to start humping right then and there.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this; it's almost Thanksgiving, and holidays always get me thinking about being all religious as a kid. It lasted longer than I think it did. Sometimes people will ask — you know, at parties, social occasions and other events I find myself trying to avoid more and more as I get older — which band I've seen in concert more than any other. I'm three R.E.M. concerts away from toppling ... D.C. Talk. D.C. Talk was a Christian rap group in the early '90s, when Vanilla Ice was popular, and then turned into a Christian grunge group when Nirvana hit. I suppose no one thought to call them sellouts, considering they were still into God and everything. But it was difficult not to tell the difference.

Rap D.C. Talk:

Grunge D.C. Talk

Time span between those two albums? Five years. That's a reinvention!

After Grunge D.C. Talk hit big, they broke up to "pursue solo projects," but they reunited briefly in 2002 for a song about September 11. You can probably guess what it's called.

D.C. Talk's "Let's Roll"

Yeah, so maybe pop culture and mainstream Christianity just shouldn't mix, Seven Days Of Sex or no. Not that it's keeping me from Wholly Love, which features "Products and resources celebrating God's fantastic gift of sex within marriage." A God who isn't into love beads is not a God I can believe in.

32. Detroit Lions (0-11). If the Lions are going to go winless this year — and it's sure looking that way — I have to say I'm pleased that they'll do so with a recognizable name at quarterback. If it were Dan Orlovsky or Drew Henson, it would take most of the fun out of it. But Daunte Culpepper! Mr. Sex Boat! That's a quarterback who truly deserves the title of Leader Of The Worst Team In NFL History. Just like Steve Spurrier did.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-9). The baseball Hot Stove season is ... well, it's pretty lukewarm so far, actually. But the big debate in Cardinals land involves Which Outfielder To Trade? With prospect Colby Rasmus apparently getting his big chance this year, finally, it would seem that one (or more) of the triumvirate of Ryan Ludwick, Skip Schumacher and Rick Ankiel would have to go. A cost benefit analysis leads to a conclusion that's terrifying in its simplicity: Trade Ankiel. I cannot fathom this happening, particularly because it's — gulp — probably the right move. By the way, Scott Boras is Ankiel's agent. OF COURSE.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-10). Against all odds and billions of obstacles, the Kansas City Star continues to have one of the best sports sections in the country. They've almost become a pipeline, a minor leagues for the big dogs. Jeff Passan of Yahoo got his start there, as did the great Wright Thompson. Now they have Jason Whitlock and Joe Posnanski, who might be better than all of them. But forcing him to write about the Chiefs is just being cruel, and wasteful. It's like hiring Bob Dylan to cover a Staind song ... or putting him in a Victoria's Secret ad.

29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-9-1). Palin watch! By now, everyone on earth has seen the video of the Guvnah speaking while turkeys are slaughtered behind her. That doesn't make it any less mesmerizing. Has there ever, ever been a better cable news crawl than "Gov. Palin Apparently Oblivious To Turkey Carnage Over Her Shoulder?" Heavens. Explain to me again how Palin's supposed to work up the support to run in 2012? I mean, it's obviously not her fault that's going on behind her, but, still, it just seems like something that would be constantly going on around her. Any other politician, something like that would either be a career-killer, or an amusing story to toss off as a joke. Palin? Well, yes, of course animals around her are suffering gruesome deaths. When aren't they?

28. San Francisco 49ers (3-8). A few people have asked, so let's hit the first impressions: I absolutely love "Chinese Democracy." I love it more than I could have possibly imagined. Here's the key thing to remember: Axl Rose is batshit insane. It adds a level of depth to every song that probably isn't there otherwise. Let's take "I.R.S.," which is the best song on the album. What's it about? Well, Axl's apparently really pissed at somebody, and to display his anger, he has decided to make a "federal case" and "gonna wave it right down in your face." So who does he call to make this federal case? The President! A private eye! The I.R.S.! The F.B.I.! The Postmaster General! The Lady At The DMV Window! Somebody! They're gonna get ya! Because you tried to get him! Or something! I think this album would make a lot more sense to a lot of people if the lyrics were scribbled out on notebook paper and then photocopied repeatedly at Kinko's. It's the screechings of a mad man, and it's absolutely awesome. And you know what? Every song should intersplice Martin Luther King speeches with clips from Cool Hand Luke, Braveheart, Casualties of War, Se7en, Mississippi Burning and, I dunno, Wall-E, maybe. I can't get enough.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-9). Thanks, Seattle, for stinking the one time you play on Thanksgiving. The first two games are total duds. Ugh. I might watch Cal State Fullerton vs Wake Forest on espn2 first. (And yes: It will always be "espn2" to me. And Keith Olbermann will always wear skinny ties and have a mustache.)

26. Cleveland Browns (4-7). I can't get over how bizarre this LeBron James business is. I mean, the guy is having the best season of his career, on a team that's probably one of the three best in the NBA, and all people can talk about is something that might or might not happen in 2010. If you had any doubt how pervasively fantasy sports have taken over, note that something imaginary and/or theoretical is more important than something that's actually happening. Eventually, networks are just going to stop broadcasting live games all together.

25. San Diego Chargers (4-7). As it turns out, last year is going to end up being the closest LaDainian Tomlinson ever came to making a Super Bowl. And while we're talking about fantasy football, Tomlinson's one of those guys I suspect we mentally overrate, historically speaking, just because of how good he once was at fantasy football. Larry Johnson's the same way, along with Priest Holmes. If Marcus Allen had played when fantasy football was huge, he would have absolutely destroyed Bo Jackson on Tecmo Bowl.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7). I've already written extensively about "The Wrestler," but now you can actually watch the trailer. The holiday movie season is going to disappoint a lot of people — unless you like Tom Cruise as a Nazi with an eyepatch! — so "The Wrestler" is one of the few things out there worth waiting for. Go! Go!

23. Oakland Raiders (3-8). Beating a playoff team on the road bumps you up a few notches, though I'm pretty sure this is high as the Raiders will be for the next few seasons. I enjoyed this line from the game story about JaMarcus Russell: "With that, the No. 1 overall pick of last year's draft finally had a performance to match the gaudy diamond jewelry he wears after each game." That seems redundant: Couldn't you just write that about every player?

22. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5-1). And, at last, the Eagles run finally ends with the spontaneous combustion everyone suspected was eventually coming. Has anyone come up with a halfway decent explanation as to why Kevin Kolb pronounces his name that way? Football Outsiders loves him, though so far, I can't see why. And still: I'm pretty certain they're gonna pound the Buzzsaw on Thanksgiving Night. I'm blocking Daulerio from texting me just to be safe.

21. Houston Texans (4-7). I kind of love that we're about to have a strike from the Screen Actors Guild. (I preferred their previous nomenclature.) I can't fathom of a single reason why, in this wintry economic climate, the viewing public would not rally behind actors hoping to secure future earnings from online content. Stay strong, union man!

20. Green Bay Packers (5-6). This week's update from the Green Bay Press-Gazette: "Area deer registration sites get late-weekend rush." Sweet! The best part about this lead story? It has a photo gallery!

19. Denver Broncos (6-5). In honor of Iracane leaving, allow me to point out that Jay Cutler's shitshow (against the RAIDERS!) is going to cost me a playoff spot in my decade-old We Are Searching For Bliss league, for which I actually write a weekly newsletter. (Twelve teams. 800 words. Totally worth it!) No matter who makes the playoffs, the Broncos are going to be the worst entrant. Screw those guys.

18. Buffalo Bills (6-5). Hey, those plucky future Canadians have a little bit of life left in 'em! Nice! Still, they can probably only afford to lose one more of their last five to have a hope of the playoffs. Sadly, they won't be hosting a playoff game no matter what happens. Postseason games in Buffalo are so much fun. The sideline reporters are all bulked up like Yeti.

17. New Orleans Saints (6-5). Tough racket in the NFC. The standings are pretty nuts: The Eagles are 5-5-1, the Packers are 5-6, the three NFC West teams are awful and the Lions are winless. Everybody else in the conference is over .500. (It really does help having the Lions around.) That puts the Saints in last place. Them would be the breaks.

16. Chicago Bears (6-5). Much love to Videogum for informing me of "Vincent The Fashion Man," a guy who dances around in new "suits" on morning television in Chicago. I love the city of Chicago, and they're probably going to get the Olympics now, but the fact that this man is not a national celebrity is more proof that the Liberal Media Cabal always has, and always will, ignore Chicago.

15. Minnesota Vikings (6-5). Oooh! NFC Central SHOWDOWN this week. To repeat: Two of the top four seeds in the NFC this year will be the Buzzsaw and the Vikings, Bears or Packers. By the way, speaking of the NFC Norris, I learned something about myself this week: If I am reading a book while "SportsCenter" is on in the background, I will put the book down to watch Chris Berman's "2 Minute Drill." I have no idea why this is, but it's true: For some reason, it grabs my attention. Inertia, I hope.

14. Miami Dolphins (6-5). Today's nice item: Former Patriots safety/special teamer JeRod Cherry is auctioning off his Super Bowl ring to benefit Foundation Rwanda, which I assume is to help Rwandans, since those trying to hurt Rwandans wouldn't appear to require much assistance. I will take this over those annoying 1972 Dolphins, whose only charity is to buy fancy booze for themselves. I hate those guys.

13. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (7-4). Well, there went that little flicker of excitement. Also, this is the worst possible time for the Buzzsaw to have a game with just four days rest. Kurt Warner's all bruised up, Adrian Wilson might not be back and the Eagles are just desperate enough to pull it together on "national" television. I'm fairly certain Arizona is losing this game. And they'll still clinch the division before anybody else does.

12. Washington Redskins (7-4). They should have lost that game, and it's starting to look like the NFC East might end up with just one playoff team after all. To cheer you up, I send you to Wizznutzz's headline about the Wizards' loss to a depleted Knicks team. "FALL TO KNICKS LINEUP OF ROSE, ROBERSON, JARED JEFFRIES' ROOMATE, KENNY KRAMER, TWO 7 FT HASIDIC STOCKBOYS FROM B&H CAMERA!"

11. Dallas Cowboys (7-4). I don't know many people who would actually classify themselves as a "fan" of Terrell Owens, but after his smug, "they unleashed me!" press conference Sunday, they can't possibly be fans much longer. The only thing worse than a guy who bitches about how he never gets the ball is the annoying self-satisfaction on their face when they actually do get the ball. Generally, I like brash athletes who speak their mind. But god, Owens just drives me crazy. Go back to your porn films, buddy.

10. Baltimore Ravens (7-4). Hey, somebody was going to be fortunate enough to play the Eagles when the wheels came off, so it might as well be the Ravens. That interception Kolb threw to Ed Reed, though, he had great form and threw a tight spiral. So he had that.

9. New England Patriots (7-4). Christ, they're gonna end up winning the conference again, aren't they? It might be kind of fun, and certainly unprecedented, to see them playing the Giants in the Super Bowl again, except this time with the roles completely reversed. Whom would we know to root against?

8. Carolina Panthers (8-3). Don't fret, Panthers fans. You're putting yourself in rather nice position to play either Arizona or Chicago/Green Bay/Minnesota in the first round, and at that point, who cares where you're playing? And because I have nothing else to say about Carolina: Nicolette Sheridan and David Spade are making out. Did you realize she's only one year older than him? Spade's next movie is called Hollywood and Wine and is co-directed by Chris Farley's brother. Can't wait.

7. Atlanta Falcons (7-4). I'm spending my Thanksgiving in Georgia this year, though, because it's a proper Thanksgiving, it won't involve much moving around. Like, at all. One thing I can't wait for, though? Chick-fil-A. My visits to Chick-fil-A — and they don't have them in NYC, except for one place in the NYU student union — are the closest I come to drug binges anymore. You people who live within driving distance of one don't know how good you've got it.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3). For the record, it's not too late to get your free Dr. Pepper for the release of "Chinese Democracy." And yes, I was reminded of that because I'm listening to "Better" right now. "I never would not thought I could / No matter what you'd pay me / replay the part / You stole my heart / I should have known you're crazy." Dammit, WHY CAN'T AXL FIND LOVE?

5. Indianapolis Colts (7-4). It's nice to have Barry Bonds back in the news, isn't it? How he was missed. Anyway, I thought Bill Simmons' column on home-field advantage was pretty dead-on, and more to the point: Nice to see Bill writing like a madman again. We actually got two NFL columns from him this week; I was sure he was gonna give us one of those lame "THIS WEEK'S PICKS" boxes, but nope, a whole other column. Nice work. The more he writes, though, the more dramatic the cash-per-words difference between him and Rick Reilly becomes. According to my math, Reilly is being paid about $100 a word, which has to be an industry record. Actually, if I were still running this site, I'd sit down and do the math on this. He's making $3.4 million a year, and writing about 700 words a week. (Tops.) What recession?

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-3). As has been mentioned ad nauseum, the number of games the Buccaneers win is directly proportional to the excitement level of the NFL during a given season. Given that they're probably the fourth best team in football right now, give or take, that probably tells you what you need to know.

3. Tennessee Titans (10-1). They looked terrible! Pull the quarterback! We want Vince Young back! But with no pads or shirt! Go Titans! Whoo-eee Nashville!

2. New York Jets (8-3). All right, uncle: I am now officially sold on the Jets. You realize that they could win their last five games very easily, right? Which means they could end up with home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Which means ...

1. New York Giants (10-1). Yep: The "Broadway Bowl" — ugh ugh ugh — could actually happen. Can you fathom if the both teams hosted the conference championship games on the same day? How would that possibly work? All I know is this: I'm going to be keeping extremely busy at the magazine this winter. No beef here. Even if it means going to New Jersey. A lot.

To quote the Rolling Stone story from last year:

"Come on, Adriana, make it real," Rose barked, pausing mid-coitus. "Stop faking!"

On that warm weekend evening in the spring of 1987, engineer Vic Deyglio had set up a top-of-the-line vocal microphone to capture the sounds of Rose and Smith having sex — and at one point, he had to dash into the booth to adjust the mike as they went at it. "It was like a Ron Jeremy set in there," Deyglio recalls. Smith wanted to get back at Guns n' Roses drummer Steven Adler for cheating on her — and had always liked the singer better anyway. "I would do anything Axl asked me to do," says Smith, now a forty-year-old mom. "He's fuckin' magical."

The punchline comes at the end of course: Adriana Smith is now a 40-year-old mom. The other punchline is that Deyglio was credited on the album sleeve as "fucking engineer," which I suppose makes sense. Ah, Guns 'N Roses. Where have you been all these years?

Now that we're a mere five days from the release of "Chinese Democracy" — and what better day to release an album people have been awaiting for 15 years than the Sunday before Thanksgiving? — I've been listening to a lot of G'N'R, and doing a lot of thinking. The first time I heard "Appetite," I was 12 years old and absolutely scandalized. (That controversial — and unlike most things that were controversial in the eighties, it's still pretty controversial — painting of the robot and naked lady got the album banned from my record store at the mall. I had to buy it at the pawn shop downtown.) Do you realize how much it fried my 12-year-old, center-parted, mulleted, farm boy brain to hear "get nothing for nothing/'cause that's what you do/turn around bitch/I got a use for you?" Heavens. This was definitely an album I had to hide from my youth minister.

By the time the "Use Your Illusion" albums came out, I was almost 16 and therefore tons more mature. As much as I enjoyed those records, they were short-lived; it wouldn't be long until I finally discovered "Nevermind," and after that, everything was different. But listening to the "Illusion" albums lately, they hold up better than I remembered. They still should be cut down to just one album, though. Here's my suggestion for the eight songs for that theoretically streamlined, face-melting record.

1. Bad Obsession. (the closest they ever came to the Rolling Stones, complete with cowbell)
2. Double Talkin' Jive. (just for the opening riff)
3. Dead Horse. (which led to what's still my favorite Deadspin headline of all time)
4. Civil War. (seriously, what is so civil about war anyway? Honestly, this song is pretty dumb, but I still love it.)
5. Yesterdays. (totally underrated song. This should have been a bigger hit as a single.)
6. Pretty Tied Up (The Perils Of Rock & Roll Decadence). (all hail Izzy. "Where's Izzy?")
7. Locomotive (Complicity). (the big "epic" song off "Illusion II" that doesn't feel completely bloated.)
8. November Rain. (the song absolutely seems ridiculous now, but it still doesn't compare to the video, which I want to be shown on a loop if I ever make it to heaven. I still can't get over the part where Slash is like, "Fuck it dude, I'm just gonna rock out this solo right in front of this here church." I just felt bad he didn't have a cliff to throw the guitar over when his solo was done.)

I highly recommend you watch that full video again before continuing with your workday. It's well worth it. It's crazy that anyone ever let Axl make that.

Anyway, in less than a week, the album will be out, and everyone will get free Dr. Peppers. The early reviews are positive, but at this point, does it matter? The success is that it's here at all. Axl is the same age as Herschel Walker, Star Jones, M.C. Hammer, Emilio Estevez, Hannah Storm, Clyde Drexler, Tom Cruise, Kool Moe Dee, Joan Cusack, Doug Flutie and William "Refrigerator" Perry. This album is here just so the rest of us can move on with our lives. (I mean, this album once had Shaq on it.) And I ask Axl not to make a video. I don't think I can jive this new, tubbier, dreadlocked, goateed Axl with the one who scared me as a child. I don't know anyone could.

That said: I absolutely cannot fucking wait to listen to this album. I suspect many of you still feel the same way. I'm Axl Shimmying in my chair just thinking about it.

32. Detroit Lions (0-10). I was actually at Bank of America Stadium to watch this shitshow Sunday, which was disappointing, because it wasn't all that much of a shitshow. (Neither Daunte Culpepper nor Kevin Smith looked half bad, actually.) Not that this has made Rod Marinelli feel any better; now even the local reporters are openly questioning whether or not he's lost his mind.)

"You're in this dark tunnel and you've got no way out," he said. "You're waiting for light, and you see that light, what do you do? What do you do?

You start digging and getting out. ... I've always believed you stay in the tunnel and you keep digging when you expect no light.

"You have the same faith when you expect no light. You have the same belief in what you're doing when you expect no light. ... It's dark and I'm going to dig through. My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."

Totally, man. Not even Jim Fassel would beg for this job.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-8). Sorry, but when you fall behind like 35-3 at halftime against a team coached by Mike "Droopypants" Singletary, you fall behind even your in-state "rivals" to the west. The best angle on that game was the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bernie Miklasz's interview with Mike Martz and Isaac Bruce, who both showed sympathy for the Rams' current plight. That's right: Mike Martz is feeling bad for you. There's always a smaller fish, I suppose.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9). What would be the equivalent of Herman Edwards turning around this franchise in the next few years? How about the ultimate irony of Rupert Murdoch being the last true believer in, and savior of, newspaper journalism. Bet nobody saw that coming. Read that link. He's absolutely right, which is even more frightening and astounding. Mike Royko is turning over in his grave.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-8). While searching for great Raiders blogs on the Web, I came across this outstanding one. It was updated once, simply with a picture of JaMarcus Russell and the following "post:" 12/02/07 - JaMarcus Russell made his NFL debut today as the Raiders defeated the Denver Broncos 34-20. Russell looked solid as he completed 4 of 7 passes for 56 yards. The rookie quarterback's first NFL completion was a bullet to Jerry Porter near the sideline. That's as good a time as any to stop.

28. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1). Because the Carolina Panthers have established themselves as a Super Bowl contender, it's time to make a switch in these rankings. The honor transfers from the Panthers to the Bengals. So: Palin Watch! It's somewhat comforting that, over the last few years, our politics and our celebrity culture has merged. (It certainly seems inherently democratic.) First you had those Barack Obama Shirtless On The Beach photos, also known as the "christ, that asshole is better than me at everything" shots. Now come the Sarah Palin beach shots. It's nice to know she had some time to relax at the Republican powwow last week; it must have worn her out dodging all the hitmen Tim Pawlenty hired. (And yes. I just made a Tim Pawlenty joke. This is what we've come to.)

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8). When I first moved to New York in 2000, my roommate shared my obsession with playing NCAA Hoops on the Playstation. Neither of us had a lot of friends, so we played it a lot. We even picked 32 teams and played an ongoing tournament. The game had a glitch in it, though, and there was a shooting guard for Georgetown who consistently shot about 95 percent from 3-point range, no matter where he was on the court. Naturally, because I was fortunate enough to choose Georgetown, I fully took advantage of this bug and won the whole tournament with the Hoyas. When I won the last game, because I am lame, I taunted my roommate. With signature deadpan, he pointed out that we shouldn't forget that I won because of a programming mistake, so I should shut the hell up. That's kind of how I feel about the fact that the Buzzsaw apparently is going to win this division. Sure. It's great. I'm happy it's happening. But when you look at this division, it's because of a glitch. I shouldn't forget that.

26. Houston Texans (3-7). Yes, the economy is collapsing and we're all screwed. This is well established. Thankfully, it's still important to remember what really matters. The front page story of The New York Times Web site most of the day yesterday? The tale of a 12-year-old food critic. I love this town.

25. San Francisco 49ers (3-7). Mike Huckabee is lashing out! While flying to Charlotte this weekend on JetBlue, I caught part of "Huckabee," the Fox News show the presidential candidate hosts. Huckabee is always complimented on being a "telegenic" politician. After watching this show, I find this about as damning a statement about politicians as I can imagine. Huckabee hosts the show like he's filming it on a Camcorder on his back porch. He had Michael Strahan on as a guest, and Strahan had the look of a man who was doing a favor for a neighbor's son who's working on a project for his AV class. "Huckabee" is the political equivalent of "The Magic Hour." Discuss.

24. San Diego Chargers (4-6). Actually, continuing on this front: Norv Turner is the coaching equivalent of "Huckabee." Now that I think about it, feel free not to discuss.

23. Buffalo Bills (5-5). Any time the Bills and Browns play — both the closest the NFL have to "cursed" franchises — it's going to be particularly painful for someone. Why couldn't this game have been the one that ended in a tie? That'll do it for the Bills, obviously. I look forward to Vincent Gallo's son making a movie in 20 years about trying to track down and kill Rian Lindell.

22. Cleveland Browns (4-6). I got to interview Q-Tip for the magazine this week. He was performing "Go New York Go," his "theme song" for the Knicks this season. It'll be playing at every Knicks home game this year. Q-Tip's trying to make a comeback after about a decade since his last album. He's a very nice man, and his new record's plenty good, but I'll say this: Being the official songster for the Knicks can't be the most ideal way to bring yourself back into the public consciousness.

21. Chicago Bears (5-5). Before Sunday, I thought the Bears had a chance to go 11-5. Now I'm not sure they're going to win another game. That said, they could still win the division. Put it this way: For all the justified talk about how easy the Buzzsaw has had it while compiling their five-game division lead, they're 3-3 outside their division. The Bears and the Packers, two of the three division leaders in the NFC North, are both 2-4. (The Vikings, also "leading," are 3-3. So they have that.)

20. Minnesota Vikings (5-5). And therefore, they go here.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6). Sticking with the theme, the Jaguars are going to decide the NFC North this year: They play all three of the division leaders in the next four weeks. Is there anyone who will be even slightly surprised if they win all three?

18. Green Bay Packers (5-5). And now we wrap up the Norris. Of all the features I put together in this column, my favorite is the glance at the top story in the Green Bay Press-Gazette every Monday. Honestly, it's like if Mattoon had an NFL team. Today's winner? "An International Cooking Knight on Sunday at St. Norbert College brought dozens of students together to sample different foods and raise awareness of world issues." Sometimes I can just get lost in this newspaper.

17. New Orleans Saints (5-5). I find it astounding, really, that a man like Mark Cuban, who clearly knows more than anyone on earth about ethics — seriously, no one else even comes close — would be accused of insider trading. Fellow bloggers! All the hard work we put in to take down Cuban seems to have finally worked! Good work, gentlehumans. Whom should we go after next?

By the way, I live in terror that someday Lester Munson will write about me. That's a sign matters have gone very wrong.

16. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1). It is beyond comprehension that Donovan McNabb did not know the NFL had tie games. Could this possibly be true? I mean, McNabb has always seemed like a semi-intelligent guy. How would he not know this? He plays professional football, for crying out loud. And even if you're willing to grant that he might not have known going into the game, how could he have not known midway through overtime? With all the problems they've had with clock management and two-minute drills in the past, when you realize that Andy Reid didn't even tell his quarterback that the game could end in a tie, he's like the physics genius who puts his pants on backwards. Except it's looking like, in this analogy, Reid isn't very good at math either.

Seriously, I know everyone's already talked this to death. I still can't wrap my brain around it.

15. Miami Dolphins (6-4). This year's Oscar movie that I dislike that everyone else loves? Slumdog Millionaire I saw this movie on Friday and, as pretty as Danny Boyle makes everything, this is the dumbest, most trumped up "love story" I can remember. This is the cinematic equivalent of whippets. It's all brief sensation, and when it's over, you've done nothing but kill a bunch of brain cells. Every year, I get an American Beauty or a Crash, a film the rest of the planet inexplicably adores. Here's this year's version.

14. Denver Broncos (6-4). A reason to cheer against Denver-area sports teams? When one of them goes deep into the playoffs, Rick Reilly inevitably decides that he's not leaving his suburban Rocky Mountain strip mall and just writes a piece about How Crazy Colorado Fans Are About Their Team. Rick Reilly gives us all hope that, someday, we can make "ballplayer money" to tap out 800 words a week and occasionally host "Pardon The Interruption" poorly. A colleague of mine at New York sent out the best email this week. "It's fun to read every rick reilly column pretending it's a satirical McSweeney's Rick Reilly column.

'They called the fight that killed Barry Scott a mismatch, but Barry Scott vs. life was a mismatch, wasn't it?'"

That pretty much sums it up.

13. Baltimore Ravens (6-4). It's not really fair to drop them this much after a blowout loss to the best team in football — and it will be nice when Tennessee finally loses so we can all quit pretending that anyone's close to as good as the Giants are right now — but them's the breaks. Their schedule down the stretch is brutal. They'll be lucky to finish 8-8.

12. New England Patriots (6-4). Something I'd forgotten about Matt Cassel: He was actually second string at USC before losing out to Matt Leinart. The depth chart was Palmer, Cassel, Leinart. And now he looks like the best one. Fun factoid: Everyone kept claiming that Cassel's Week 2 start was his first start since high school. This is not actually true. He started one game for the Trojans at tight end. He did not catch a pass.

11. Washington Redskins (6-4). Sorry, you can't lose at home to a guy whose finger is almost falling off, and a team that looked like it has had just about enough of their owner's horrifying face screaming at them. By the way, whoever gets that final wild-card spot in the NFC looks like they're going to travel to the Pink Taco for the opening game. So, you know, plenty of seats available.

10. Atlanta Falcons (6-4). I have a sinking feeling that the feel-good story of Matt Ryan is going to end with four straight losses. We'll leave them here for now even though it'll anger Broncos fans, justifiably. But hey: Vick's going to be out of prison soon. Let's put him in Kansas City. God it would be fun to see him and Herm hang out.

9. Dallas Cowboys (6-4). It's worth noting that it has been more than a year and a half since Tank Johnson has been arrested. Way to go, Tank! Speaking of headlines I'm particularly proud of, here's an excerpt from "This is Why He's Not Known As Feelings Johnson."

Cops raided his house yesterday, supposedly looking for drugs (Tank has now been arrested three times since joining the Bears). They found "a cache of unregistered guns and assault rifles — some loaded," and we love that the Chicago Tribune added that ominous "some loaded" at the end, because otherwise we'd have no idea what people do with guns. They also found Willie B. Posey, who had two ounces of the ganga on him during the raid; he was busted too. Oh, and they also found Johnson's girlfriend and their two kids, around the guns and the ganja and the Willie Posey.

Posey was found dead only a couple of days later. Tank's a lot more boring when he's behaving.

8. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (7-3). Next week, if the Cowboys can beat the 49ers and the Buzzsaw win at home against the Giants, the Cardinals will clinch the NFC West. (They've beaten the 49ers twice, so there goes that tiebreaker.) The Cardinals aren't beating the Giants, of course, which is why I make the following unsolicited recommendation to Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt: Start Leinart. Make up some fake injury for Warner. The Giants' pass rush is going to kill somebody this Sunday, and since we're probably not going to win anyway, why not let it be Leinart? Not only does it keep Warner safe, but Leinart's death will resolve any quarterback controversy over the summer. And it will make sure, finally, that Brynn Cameron's support checks show up on time. Think it over, Ken.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3). Yeah, still pretty worried about these guys. Meanwhile, I would like to remind you that Mike Lupica is still writing about politics. I hate it when people who made their name in sports start thinking they can write about pol— ... you know, forget I said that.

6. New York Jets (7-3). I'm officially a believer. (And have 400 words of sterling magazine copy to prove it!) Even if the Jets lose this week, and they probably will, they're probably making the playoffs now. Any guesses on which wild-card round playoff game Peter King will end up covering?

5. Indianapolis Colts (6-4). Now that Eliot Spitzer has crawled out of his hole — figuratively speaking! — to join the national conversation again, Politico and The New Republic have a suggestion: If Hillary Clinton is named Secretary of State, Gov. Paterson of New York should replace her with Spitzer. That would rule. Now that we've broken through with a black president, our next barrier to overcome is a presidential candidate who has openly had unprotected anal sex with prostitutes.

Yes we can! Yes we can!

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3). Now that Earnest Graham is out for the year, it's time for Cadillac Williams to make his triumphant return, before collapsing halfway through the second quarter and missing the next four seasons. To remind: At one point, at Auburn, the running backs were Cadillac, Ronnie Brown and Brandon Jacobs.

3. Carolina Panthers (8-2). For a story for Sporting News magazine — in case you don't know, I write a regular column (complete with stupid mugshot) in every issue — I sat in the press box for the Panthers-Lions game Sunday. It was the first time I'd sat in a press box in 12 years, and I have no desire to do so again for another 12 years. (The column is about how awful it is to sit in a press box.) Nobody bothered me, and, frankly, I don't think anyone in the whole stadium made a sound. It was like watching a football game in an aquarium. I kept tapping the glass to see if I could get the players to notice me.

2. New York Giants (9-1). I have learned my lesson from past years: It is an extremely poor decision to go to a bar in New York City and watch my Buzzsaw play the Giants in public. I'll be on the couch for this one. It makes it easier to hide the vomit.

1. Tennessee Titans (10-0). They have to beat the Jets this week, because losing to the winless Lions on Thanksgiving Day would be the 21st century equivalent of the Leon Lett play. It would be the one thing you and your family could find to talk about it. Let's make this happen.

Kennedy famously eschewed the wearing of a fedora or porkpie hat, and, in the post-"Mad Men" world, no one was wearing one. The theory was that Obama could rid us of our rather stupid dependence on the necktie. This would be devastating for anyone trying to purchase a gift for a distant and uncommunicative father, but for the rest of us, it could be a great awakening. Ties are pretty much stupid unless they're worn by an attractive woman. Take it from the world's foremost authority on matters fashion and culture: We can lose the tie already. It's just in the way.

Unfortunately — and in what's hopefully not an omen of dogmatic concessions to come — Obama started wearing ties again once he came closer to winning, and the movement was dropped. But, amusingly, The Root pointed out other terrifying trends he could embrace now that he's the nation's Televised Addresser In Chief. The picture above, with the shaved head, is absolutely terrifying. Among the thousands of positive developments since Michael Jordan released his draconian death grip on the sports world is the loss of the shaved head as stylistic tool. Only white guys trying to hide their various bald spots should shave their heads, and that's just because they have no other choice. When my Dad did this a few years ago, out of solidarity with my then-ill mother, he looked like someone Schillinger would have recruited in "Oz."

So, congratulations, President Obama, on one of the most breathtaking achievements I've seen in my lifetime. Forget Iraq, or Afghanistan, or the economy, or what "mutt" you're going to purchase. We're all looking to you to tell us how to dress and purport ourselves on a daily basis. All I ask is that you avoid the flag pin earring. The rest is up to you.

32. Detroit Lions (0-9). Let's just say, right now, you were hired as the new editor of Deadspin. You might be good at this down the line. (It's not that hard of a job; Daulerio and I have always just told people that to make ourselves feel better.) But you have to start in an hour. You don't know how to use the publishing system, you don't know how photos work, you don't know the weird little oddities Gawker Media throws in just to make sure we haven't programmed a robot to do all the work. You just have to start in an hour. Go! Make fart jokes! Post cheerleader pictures! This is what Daunte Culpepper went through this week. I mean, he hadn't been in town a week and he was expected to run that team? The sad part is that this analogy is probably apt: I can't imagine the Lions offensive set being much more difficult to master than the Gawker Media publishing system. Give him another week. Maybe by then he'll lose the gut.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-8). I'm not the first person to mention this, but jeez, it'd be difficult to find a more boneheaded move than Herman Edwards' attempt to go for two to beat the Chargers. (Even if it had worked, it would have been dumb.) First off, the Herman-independent reasons. You've basically decided that a play with worse odds than a coin flip at succeeding is a better chance than allowing your team to ride the momentum it just grasped. You're taking a full week's of blood and sweat and shit and letting it all ride on one random shot. (Particularly when you call that play.) You're allowing a reeling (and clearly scared) team salvage their entire awful day (and season) with one stop. I could go on. But more to the point: You're Herm Edwards! Going for the two-point conversion to win is the type of move that Bill Belichick or John Fox or Jon Gruden do to prove to everyone that they're a genius. This is never going to happen with you, Herm. There is a place for everyone out there. Some people are geniuses. Other people are here just to amuse us. You're in the latter group, Herm. Sorry to be the one to break this to you.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8). The holidays are coming! If you want to know just how depraved and hilarious this wretched city I live in is, I recommend this "Guide To Holiday Romance" from my friend John Carney. It will make you want to fall in love all over again. Highlights:

9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.

23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.

29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.

Most romantic city in the world, I tell you.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-7). The teams ranked beneath the Raiders might be worse, but they at least have something to watch. The Lions have Culpepper's "learning" "curve," the Chiefs have Herm, the Bengals have Ocho Cinco and Marvin Lewis dancing between the raindrops. I can't imagine what could possibly be enjoyable or encouraging to watch about the Raiders. From the San Francisco Chroncicle: "As long as football is decided by points scored, this will never, ever do." That can't be a good sign.

28. St. Louis Rams (2-7). After the brief flicker of competence, the Rams lost 47-3 to the Jets. The only reason to do anything in St. Louis right now is Rick Hummel's new blog — wave of the future! — on STLToday.com. I will check every day to make sure the Cardinals haven't traded a cheap player they control for three more years (Ryan Ludwick) for an expensive player who can't hit on the road they'll have to pay more than Pujols after next season (Matt Holliday). Let's hope that A's trade holds up.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-7). Well, the Oklahoma City Thunder are 1-6. So there's that. By the way, the Thunder have the most boring jerseys and merchandise on earth. They should just put "TEAM" on the front of their jerseys, and "PLAYER" on the back.

26. Houston Texans (3-6). In his special Texans Report Card, Houston Chronicle reporter John McClain (his real name, apparently) gave Sage Rosenfels an "F-minus" for his game Sunday. This seems excessively cruel. Sage Rosenfels deserves at least a D-minus just for not putting his helmet on backwards.

25. San Francisco 49ers (2-7). Honestly, someone out there is going to have to inform Mike Singletary that he's not a player anymore, or someone's going to get hurt. I suppose the "hey, I'm just a regular guy like you, just one of the guys" NFL coaching technique hasn't been tried yet (or at least not recently), so who knows, maybe it'll work. But I highly, highly doubt it.

24. Cleveland Browns (3-6). Last week, as part of Gelf Magazine's Varsity Letters reading series, Buzz Bissinger read with Dan Steinberg and Deadspin's own Drew Magary. It was entertaining enough — you can find pictures right here — and there was even some spirited discussion. The one thing everyone could agree on, though, was the same point Bill Simmons made in his column last week: It appears Buzz and I broke Braylon Edwards. I, for one, feel terrible. He was a nice man.

23. New Orleans Saints (4-5). I'm starting to get a little embarrassed when ESPN inevitably shows Drew Brees' "inspirational" "speeches" before each Saints game. First off, it doesn't seem to be working, and secondly: You know you're Drew Brees, right? I mean, I like the guy, he's having a solid year, but come on: You look like this:

I'm not sure a guy in that shirt is pumping anybody up. (See! I'm Johnny Freaking Clothes now. I would have said the name of a clothing designer as the joke there, by the way, but I don't know any. Moving on.)

22. San Diego Chargers (4-5). Do you think Norv Turner would have been fired if the Chiefs had made that two-point conversion yesterday? I didn't think so at the time, but you have to admit, it might have had a Fire Jimy Williams Hire Phil Garner effect on this team. I kind of love how everyone still thinks they're going to win this division. I wouldn't count on that: In fact, I bet they lose their next three. Can the Cowboys hire Norv next?

21. Buffalo Bills (5-4). This cute little saga is crawling to an end, and it's a shame. I don't want to overstate the level of concern in Buffalo right now, but the most popular Halloween costumes in Buffalo this year were Michael J. Fox, Atom Egoyan and Sarah McLachlan. Bad sign.

20. Green Bay Packers (4-5). Time for another glimpse into the international news organization that is the Green Bay Press Gazette (and check out that efficient and clean URL!). Front page story this week: "Feeling a little on edge? You might have Acute Leaf Raking Anxiety" That would explain that sense of growing dread!

19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-5). Unlike the NFL Network and the Big Ten Network, MLB's upcoming "MLB Network," which launches January 1, will likely be on your local cable provider. What will you be getting for your dollar? Matt Vasgerian and Trenni Kusnierek! Both those folks are veterans of the Milwaukee Brewers, which means, as you probably suspected, that the whole station is going to be about charity work the Seligs are doing in the greater Wisconsin area. Vasgerian is the old XFL announcer — and the guy who dealt with the drunk Rick Sutcliffe a couple of years ago — and Kusnierek? Well, this is Kusnierek:

18. Denver Broncos (5-4). Count me among the people astounded by the South Park guys' all nighter to pull together the post-Election Day episode about Barack Obama actually being the head of an international heist ring (with his deputy John McCain). Within a half hour of Obama's speech, I was passed out on the floor. (I was just worn out by my guests' lack of irony.)

17. Minnesota Vikings (5-4). I'd like to thank Lindsay Robertson for pointing out this month's cover of Playgirl for me.

I don't care if they do have "Inside The NFL," I am totally not getting Showtime now.

16. Miami Dolphins (5-4). There's a new Bond movie opening this week. I'm pretty annoyed that the Bond movies are good again, because, after stupid Pierce Brosnan and his hacky entries into the franchise, I was ready to drop the whole series all together. Only so many hours in the year, you know? And then Casino Royale came out, and dammit, now I have to watch them again, even as they inevitably decline and we start the same cycle all over again. Alas. At least there's a new Bond girl.

That's her. Her name is Olga. Makes sense.

15. Chicago Bears (5-4). Kyle Orton was the third-string quarterback last week, and, you know, it showed. (He says he'll come back next week, Please do.) Ahead of him on the depth chart last week were the Sex Cannon, same as he ever was, and a man named Caleb Hanie. He's an undrafted rookie out of Colorado State. Even though he's a Chicago Bears quarterback, there's a depressingly small amount of information about him online. His college team once lost 12 in a row, which is exciting. Here's the worst part, though: The guy hanging out with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman has been married for two years. This is no way to break into the bigs, kid. Ask your buddies over there.

14. New York Jets (6-3). Three observations after reading the stories of Barack Obama and George W. Bush's meeting yesterday.

1. According to the NY Times, "Mr. Bush and the first lady, Laura Bush, are expected to take the Obamas on a tour of the White House, and then Mr. Bush and Mr. Obama are expected to split off for about 90 minutes of formal talks." What do you think Laura and Michelle talked about in that time? My guess? Laura finally confronted Michelle about her plans to turn the United States government into a secret Islamic theocracy, beginning with systematic bombings of symbolic American targets like the Empire State Building, the Gateway Arch and Tropicana Field. Michelle just sort of shrugged, said, "yeah, that's pretty much it" and then they all went out, smoked opium and discussed colonics.

2. I bet Obama asked a lot of questions about the transition, but Dubya just wanted to talk about the dog.

3. At one point, Obama realized that the White House is more than 200 years old and he has to actually, you know, live there. Enjoy the butter churn, Barack!

13. Dallas Cowboys (5-4). If you want the Cowboys to evaporate from your radar screens as soon as possible — note: It is impossible for something to evaporate from a computer screen — you should cheer for them to lose this week. They're either gonna be 5-5 — and pretty much done — or they'll be 8-4 after Thanksgiving Day. And then you'll never get rid of them.

12. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4). Fine, fine, fine, FINE! I overranked them. I didn't owe Daulerio money, and I wasn't trying to curry favor with that elusive "in brief remission from batshit insanity thanks to World Series win" demographic. Having watched that game last night, I think they'll be lucky to make the playoffs, and they'll leave early if they do. It's over. I'm done. I apologize to those sorry souls who actually read this column for the rankings.

11. Indianapolis Colts (5-4). Say what you will about my tenure as editor of this here site, but jeez louise, I never almost got Rick Chandler killed! I know most people think of Rick as this figure of mystery, but I've known the man for a decade, and let me tell you: I've seen him murder four different men while waiting in a Sno-cone line. He was miles away before the men hit the ground. He is not someone with whom to trifle.

10. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (6-3). Buzzsaw fans are not used to games last night. Ordinarily, a win — being rare as it is — brings several positive developments, and a loss — being as not rare as it is — hurts in the short-term, but not the long-term. And usually, by midseason, Buzzsaw games are meaningless.

What was funny about last night's game is that, really, it was kind of meaningless too. The Buzzsaw already had a dominating lead in the NFC West, regardless of what happened. A win would only put slightly more polish on the lead, and a loss wouldn't necessarily put the lead in danger. It was a pure reputation game. If the Buzzsaw had lost — or played as poorly as they did — they might end up winning the division, but no one would take them seriously. But "reputation games" are for other teams. I just want a win. Right now, the Buzzsaw is four games up on everyone else in the NFC West with seven to go. That would seem like a large lead for anyone else other than the Buzzsaw. I know everyone's wrapping the division up — their first division win since the year I was born — for them, but, I dunno ... I'm just gonna believe it when I see it.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3). As you might have heard, Rolling Stone reviewed "Chinese Democracy" this week — only 15 years later than I thought! — and they gave it four stars. Major love, though, goes to the great Maura Johnston at Idolator, who compared their review with Chuck Klosterman's famous mock review of the album for April Fools Day. I had recently met Klosterman when that review came out, and I emailed him to tell him how envious I was that he'd actually heard the album. To his eternal credit, he was quite kind in informing me I was a moron. I'm such a goober.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3). I've said this before, but it bears repeating: It does not mean anything that Joe Biden was booed at the Eagles game Sunday night. Allow me to quote myself after Flyers fans booed Sarah Palin: "As a general rule, sports fans do not like it when politics intersects with their games. If I am a scientist and you believe dinosaurs and humans used to hang out together, but we are both fans of the Jets, our differences will not matter. Which is why it’s always a shaky proposition for any politician to make an appearance at a sporting event. When Sarah Palin showed up to drop the first puck Saturday before the Rangers-Flyers game in Philadelphia, her very presence probably reminded fans of the economic crisis, or attack ads, or any number of things that they went to this hockey game to escape from. So she was booed. Partisans may make something out of this, but the audience just wanted to watch their game in peace."

7. New England Patriots (6-3). You know what I like to do after ever Patriots win? Watch this:

Who says there are no jobs in newspaper journalism? You could be the guy who films that!

6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3). I was watching "Morning Joe" at the gym on Monday when host Joe Scarborough accidentally unleashed his "Fuck you" on the air.

I have to admit: I did not notice. This might be because I'm a heathen warrior out to denigrate the minds of the young and impressionable. Or maybe it's just because the only people on earth who would be watching "Morning Joe" are grown adults who aren't exactly scandalized by a stray vulgarity or two. (Oh, and me. I watch it too.) I thought about this when we were all talking to Buzz the other night. I mean, who cares if he cursed? As if cursing was the dumbest thing he said that night. Criticizing him for cursing allows him to take the "sure, my method was wrong, but my message was on-target." No. Curse words are just words. And some people are so distracted by them that they can't hear anything else. Because apparently the whole fucking country's four years old. I quote Dan Steinberg: "Bissinger's delivery was marvelously entertaining, but that the crux of his argument made less sense than Emmitt Smith on mescaline." And yes, seeing Buzz brought back some stuff I hadn't thought about in a while. I'm workin' on it.

5. Washington Redskins (6-3). Come on, 'Skins: Wipe out the Cowboys for us this week, would you? You can save us every stupid story about Romo and Jerry Jones' skull and Pac-Man and Tank and T.O. and everything that makes us hate football sometimes. You can do it this week. I just want to tell you good luck. We're all counting on you. (enters the cockpit again) I just want to tell you good luck. We're all counting on you.

4. Atlanta Falcons (6-3). Another reason the Eagles and Cowboys aren't making the playoffs? The Falcons' frighteningly easy schedule the rest of the way. If they can beat the Panthers at home in a couple of weeks, they could win out. And yes, fans of every other team in the NFL, you have a right to be annoyed that the Falcons just draft a dude, cold, who looks more poised and comfortable than any of your wannabes over the last 25 years. Just get your current QB to mutilate some animals, and this could happen to you.

3. Carolina Panthers (7-2). Palin watch! Count me among the crew who doesn't believe for a second that Gov. Palin did not know that Africa is a continent. I mean, the woman is able to walk upright; I think even Jay Mariotti knows that Africa is a continent. (Plus, this clearly bogus except from the Newsweek story puts almost every allegation the McCain campaign made against her into question.) But I will see this: Is anyone even slightly surprised Palin would use the bloggers "sitting in their parents' basement, wearing their pajamas" line? It almost feels like it was invented for her.

2. New York Giants (8-1). One of my favorite fringe celebrities is Fred Phelps, the "God Hates Fags" guy. His current stunt is to "boycott" the funeral of Barack Obama's grandmother — his invitation must have been lost in the mail — because her grandson wants to kill babies, or something. Phelps has made quite a name for himself by his ridiculous stunts like this — my favorite was when he called the NYFD a "fag fire department" — and Daulerio even interviewed him back in The Black Table days. My favorite quote was about Mr. Rogers:

You've got a guy (Mr. Rogers) who has got millions of children's ears and he says he's gonna shoot straight to them about the weighty matters of life, death, divorce — and then he steps gingerly around the fact that if you mess with that fag lifestyle you gonna split hell wide open.

He's the best.

1. Tennessee Titans (9-0). No one ever wants someone to get hurt, but can't we make sure that, if the Titans end up with the top seed in the AFC, Kerry Collins gets hurt (maybe he can pull a hammy, something harmless) and we can see Vince Young deal with that kind of playoff pressure? Just in case, maybe they should get Caleb Hanie ready.

Now, of course, I'm superficially more educated on the issues — now we have blogs, the gateways to voter enlightenment! — and, more to the point, old and solvent enough to host my own parties. Which I am doing tonight. And I plan on staying up past 8:30. The best part about election night is that there's something going on in every state. (The Sultry Piece Of Man Meat That Is Chuck Todd has a massively awesome state-by-state preview.) I always forget that, say, Montana has its own political system, with laws and everything. It's nice to be reminded.

Perhaps you've already voted, perhaps you're planning on voting, perhaps you have no plan to vote at all. I think all three of these things are fine. This is America, and if you decide not to vote, whether it's because of apathy, sloth or anarchism, you have that firm right. More to the point: You have the right not to be harangued by smug celebrities about not voting. I can assure you, a demand from Shia LeBeouf that I vote is less likely to inspire me to do so, not more. If you don't want to vote, whatever, dude, do what you like. Maybe Steven Spielberg should make a video about giving blood. It has a tangible, immediate benefit, and it'll help save the life of one of the children whose blood Spielberg uses for sustenance.

So, in other words, ignore crap like this.

Your vote is not going to count, like, at all. (The odds are 60 million to one against it.) I still think you should do it. But if you don't, you know, it's OK, you're not a horrible person.

Though I have to tell you: When you vote, you get that smug self-satisfaction you get when you do something you consider selfless and requires less effort than people think it does. I did it this morning, and I just think I'm Johnny Freaking Patriot right now.

I think it's worth noting that, if you were unable to provide yourself with a sexual partner on Halloween Night — which is really the only point of Halloween, prom and Arbor Day — you have a better chance on Election Night than you probably suspect. No matter where you live, there's going to be several bars full of people who are avid supporters of Barack Obama. (Here in Brooklyn, this will be every bar.) Locate these bars ahead of time. If Obama wins, you will almost certainly be able to hook up with a euphoric member of the opposite sex. If McCain wins, these bars will be full of suddenly apocalyptic members of the opposite sex. Kind of like blackout sex; your partner will be convinced the world is ending and therefore will probably be up for anything.

But yeah. Big night. An historic night, no matter what happens. You know my political leanings, but these are both honorable, intelligent men, and no matter how you vote, we're, by definition, going to be better off than we've been for the last eight years. OK, unless you vote for Nader. Screw that guy.

32. Detroit Lions (0-8). There really isn't much funnier than a kicker who falls down while running to kick the ball. I guarantee that you will see that in the 2009 Lions season preview while the narrator says, "The Lions look for a new start after a year ... when they couldn't find their footing." That really is unfortunate, though. The Lions are having enough troubles without the kicker slipping before he even gets to the ball. Rarely has one play better summed up a decade.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7). In a sitdown interview with the Kansas City Star last week, before that dreadful loss Sunday, coach Herman Edwards was asked the following questions.

This team is 1-6. Attendance is dwindling. There are times when it looks like the franchise is lost. How much responsibility do you take for that?

If the second half of this season ends up being like the first half, a handful of wins and not a lot of visible progress, would you expect to be fired?

As the season moves forward and the losses keep coming, it’s hard for the average person to see progress.

Did you prepare yourself for how bad a season this could be?

Through all of this year’s turmoil, what is one thing you’d like to erase?

God, being a football coach must suck.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8). The clubhouse favorite to go winless remembered it had Chad Johnson and ruined my hopes of Marvin Lewis going 0-16 and still keeping his job. It's a shame, too. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, tickets were actually going for 99 cents on StubHub. I know times are tough, Ohioians, but, sad to say, you're gonna have to start shelling out at least five bucks the rest of the season.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-6). As much as we all need this election to end so we can have our lives back, we all have to admit it that we'll miss it, just a little bit. Heck, I still miss Hillary a little bit. By the end of the campaign, she was actually a terrific candidate, but more to the point: We might never see a string of more awkward supporter videos in our lifetimes. When you combine the "creativity" of an average Hillary voter — as opposed to the average McCain voter, who is smart enough to understand how uncool they are — with the need to try to win over the youth vote that Obama had swiped from her, you really got some doozies. Without question, this is my favorite.

So much greatness. I love the guy doing a handstand on the escalator to start it off. I mean, pretty much every person shown in that video looks like they just got out of a Mike and the Mechanics concert.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-6). You want to know how much work I put into this column every week? I honestly spent about 15 minutes deciding which band to go with in that last entry before finally landing on Mike and the Mechanics. The other nominees: Toad the Wet Sprocket, Live and Dan Fogelberg.

27. St. Louis Rams (2-6). So Sunday, after I finished watching the Buzzsaw's fourth straight win in St. Louis — a fact that Keith Olbermann amusingly pointed out Sunday was the first time the Cardinals had done that since 1983 ... which is four years before they left — I decided to watch my Illini basketball team play an exhibition against Florida Southern. The game was being streamed "live" on BigTenNetwork.com, the Website for the network that, as I've bitched about many, many times before, is unavailable in New York City. So, happy for the rare opportunity to check out the local five, I siphoned off a couple of hours at 5:30 to watch the game. I should have known. Despite a high-speed connection and more patience than I would have thought possible, the game never loaded, and I just sat there, staring ahead. God I hate the Big Ten Network. But hey: The ads on the video loaded. So there's that.

26. San Francisco 49ers (2-6). So this is exciting: Next week, your Monday Night Football matchup is San Francisco at Arizona. It's a pretty good bet that Kornheiser's asleep by halftime. I'll love it, though.

25. San Diego Chargers (3-5). Looking at their schedule, it's very possible that the Chargers will end up 6-10 this year. 6-10! And Norv Turner is out there firing other coaches. They shouldn't have let him come back from London.

24. Cleveland Browns (3-5). Here's something I learned about Drew Carey only recently: He's a fierce libertarian, to the point that he puts together regular videos on Reason.tv, the online video arm of Reason magazine. (He's even speaking at their big anniversary dinner in a couple of weeks.) I'm no libertarian — though it'd be awesome if weed were legal, yeah! — but it's a pretty fantastic magazine, even when it's totally wrong. Though I totally miss Kerry Howley, a former senior editor there (and fellow "Red Eye" guest), who is about 40 times smarter than me and 85 times hotter.

No one at Reason is this hot, though:

God, it's great to have him back, isn't it?

23. Houston Texans (3-5). On ESPN's "College GameDay" on Saturday, the gang of merry idiots was at Texas Tech — and I say that with genuine affection; I love that show — and joined by Bob Knight. It's pretty amazing that Bob Knight not only agrees to go on television as an analyst, but it's even more amazing that he's really good. He's funny, smart and clearly seems to be having a grand time. Knight has been a consistent figure in my life, and I have to say, I like this Bob Knight a lot more than the one who carries a gun. Guns always make a person a little less likable.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-5). More end-of-election lamentation: When you're as obsessed with this election as I've been, certain people whom I've never met and probably never will become daily friends, people whose work I pore over, who have enlightened and entertained me and kept me sane. I'll still check out what they're doing, but not with the same urgency and passion. I'll miss them. An incomplete list.

Mike Allen.
Mark Ambinder.
Christopher Beam.
Mika Brzezinski.
Ron Brownstein.
Jonathan Chait.
Chris Cillizza.
Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Michelle Cottle.
Ana Marie Cox.
Michael Crowley.
John Dickerson.
Ross Douthat.
James Fallows.
Peter Feld.
Willie Geist.
Mark Halperin.
Tobin Harshaw.
John Heilemann.
Ken Layne.
Rachel Maddow.
Jonathan Martin.
Mike Murphy.
Timothy Noah.
Joe Scarborough.
Noam Scheiber.
Nate Silver.
Roger Simon.
Ben Smith.
Mark Steyn.
Chris Suellentrop.
Andrew Sullivan.
Karen Travers.
Karen Tumulty.
Chuck Todd.
Jacob Weisberg.

Thank you all, for allowing me to waste my time so gloriously over the last 18 months. Go take a nap. You've earned it.

21. Denver Broncos (4-4). It wasn't long ago that it looked like this team might be a legitimate Super Bowl contender. They're still probably going to win that division, though. If you're keeping score at home, the much (and deservedly) maligned NFC West is 11-21. The AFC West? 12-22.

20. New York Jets (5-3). Yet another mediocre performance by Brett Favre — he's starting to throw interceptions for touchdowns as a habit, like an alcoholic who has a flask sip around lunchtime, just to stay straight for a while — and still, they win, and everyone in New York is all excited again. (And I'll probably have to keep writing about the guy.) I still think they're going 9-7 and missing the playoffs.

19. Buffalo Bills (5-3). Well, at least everybody got their local telecasts back for that game. That hot start already seems like years ago. With Bills' fans luck, they'll win one more game this year ... and it'll be the one they play in Toronto. (For the record, I still think this team's making the playoffs, though I am not sure why.)

18. Miami Dolphins (4-4). Did you guys realize that Tom Arnold is an Oscar contender this year? Sure, he's a longshot, but he's supposedly very good as a child molester — really — in Gardens Of The Night. Scary.

That trailer is terrifying.

17. Minnesota Vikings (4-4). Of all the non-Presidential races tonight, I'll be keeping a particularly close eye on two of them. First is Proposition 8 in California, which, if it passes, will ban gay marriage. (In California! Of all places! California immediately loses all Laid Back State bragging rights if this goes through. You gave us Nixon, rolling blackouts and now this. Come on, people: Even Steve Young is against this!) The other is Al Franken's Senate race, which is pretty much as ugly as these things get. I'm still rooting for him, if just because Jesse Ventura isn't running.

16. Indianapolis Colts (4-5). God, why won't this team just DIE already? I'm telling you, every week their season doesn't end, they come that much closer to making a postseason run and destroying our Super Bowl again. Don't let it happen, people.

15. Green Bay Packers (4-4). Time for another trip to the wonderful land of the Green Bay Press Gazette. The top story on Sunday other than the Packers game: "Generations of memories roll on at Rola-Rena: Ashwaubenon skating center still going strong." The first sentence of the story: "Just try and convince Mary Dollar that roller skates don't have magical powers." Oh, I wouldn't dare.

14. New Orleans Saints (4-4). Tragic news from New Orleans over the weekend: A 72-year-old man shot and killed his 25-year-old wife, and then himself. How distraught do you have to be to kill yourself and a wife who's 47 years younger than you? I'd have to say pretty damned distraught.

13. Dallas Cowboys (5-4). Yeah, this team kind of looks done, doesn't it? It couldn't happen to a better bunch of guys. They're gonna need to go 5-2 — at least — down the stretch to make the playoffs. They have road games in Washington, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, and they still have to play Baltimore and the Giants at home. As the outstanding Tim McMahon put it, "Tony Romo can't tackle running backs."

12. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (5-3). Speaking of SI, here's what Don Banks had to say after the Buzzsaw win Sunday: "Now that they've drubbed the resurgent Rams on the road, the Cardinals should have a cakewalk to their first division title since 1975, when they were still in St. Louis. Arizona is 5-3, 2-0 in the NFC West, and faces just three teams that currently have winning records in the season's second half — Giants at home, at Philadelphia, at New England. Even better, the Cardinals still have four division games left in the NFL's weakest division. They have San Francisco at home next week, followed by a trip to Seattle. St. Louis and Seattle must also still make the journey to Arizona." Augh! STOP TALKING STOP TALKING STOP TALKING. If they win their next two — home against the 49ers at on the road against the Seahawks — then I'll reassess. Until then, I'm Debbie motherflippin' Downer.

11. New England Patriots (5-3). I'm not sure what Bill Simmons wrote about to draw the ire of ESPN.com editors to the point that they wouldn't run his column ... but I do know that Rick Reilly's filing the exact same column next week for the magazine.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3). There aren't many baseball reporters better than SI's Jon Heyman, so when he starts throwing around Hot Stove Predictions, I listen. He has the Yankees signing both C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, Mark Teixiera and Manny Ramirez staying with their SoCal teams and Derek Lowe heading to Shea to sleep with NYC broadcasters. My big offseason fear — that the Cardinals are going to sign Kerry Wood — is not addressed ... but man, I am plenty scared.

9. Baltimore Ravens (5-3). So that Election Night party I'm hosting? Several of my guests were concerned about which channel we'll be watching throughout the night. Some wanted CNN, if just because they'll be running Larry King's heart monitor on the bottom of the screen all night. A couple wanted Fox News so they could, "watch Karl Rove die." (That seemed awfully extreme.) One boring person wanted to watch PBS, just to make sure we all fall asleep before they call Illinois. But this is an NBC household; in Chuck Todd I trust. It's MSNBC all day — I am entranced by the dulcet tones of David Shuster — and flipping to NBC when they cross over. This is because I want to hear Luke Russert's reports on What All The Hip Kids Are Saying.

8. Chicago Bears (5-3). Boy, it sure is nice to have the Sex Cannon back, isn't it? How did we ever survive without him? The only tragedy of the Chicago Bears is that they can't figure out a way to play him and Orton at the same time. Now that Orton's out a month, wouldn't it be enjoyable if, of all times, now Grossman ends playing great? Everyone would be so confused.

7. Atlanta Falcons (5-3). I love shutouts in football. Football is the only sport in which a shutout is devastating. Hockey and soccer shutouts happen all the time — I absolutely love that an MLS playoff game last week ended in a 0-0 tie — and a baseball shutout just means you ran into a hot pitcher. But an NFL shutout? Everything has to break down to be shut out in the NFL. It's nice to see. If you are starting a defense in fantasy football who shuts the other team out, you should automatically win.

6. Washington Redskins (6-3). I'm looking forward to the DC vote to come in tonight, because it's possible that Obama might win by as many as 45 percentage points. I find it amazing that any geographic area could agree that much about anything. If you polled the question "Do you think it's important to have air to breathe?" you'd have at least two percent of people who say, "No," and that's with a +/-4 percent margin of error. (I repeat: All polls, by definition, have +/-50 percent margin of error.)

5. Carolina Panthers (6-2). Palin Watch! After John McCain's quite hilarious cameo on "Saturday Night Live" over the weekend — once again, I am reminded, politics and this campaign aside, how much I legitimately like that guy — I was pleased to note that Tina Fey is accentuating something we all realize: That lady is never, ever going back to Alaska again. (Maybe she'll encourage them to secede.) Because I forgot she was still actually governor of Alaska, as we speak, I checked out her official gubernatorial Website. That job can't keep her very busy, because one of the main sections of the site is a message board allowing Alaska residents to congratulate her on the birth of Trig. It's actually kind of touching, and serves as a reminder that even though the Pentagon will surely give her fake nuclear codes if she's ever President, before all this was going on, she was an inspirational figure to a lot of people. The site has a certain small-town charm. My favorite entry:

Sarah, I am Cathy and Steve’s stepfather. I was an administrator at the Mat-Su district and new your father Chuck and mom Sally. Cathy says hello and hopes all is well with you and your family. She also wishes to congratulate you on the birth of your new son. —Gerald, retired Alaska educator residing in Montana.

The site stopped taking submissions back in June. Probably a good idea.

4. Philadelphia Eagles (5-3). I haven't had the chance in these pages yet to congratulate Daulerio and company for the Phillies' World Series win. So I do so now. It's been a couple of years, but honestly, the Cardinals winning the World Series in 2006 is one of the best things that's ever happened in my life, and it'll never go away. It rules. To this day, in about 45 percent of my phone conversations with my dad, one of us will pause for a moment and say, "Hey, the Cardinals won the World Series." And then we'll both start cheering. It won't sink in, Daulerio, for quite some time. Just keep enjoying it. Freaking Deadspin Curse.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2). So, how quickly did it take Berman to get erect when John McCain started spouting his catchphrases last night? A second? Half a second? I swear to God, had Sen. McCain pulled out a YWML or a deux deux deux, I'd switch my vote in a second. I'm an easy mark.

2. New York Giants (7-1). For the first time since I moved to New York in 2000, I wasn't able to make it out Sunday to watch the New York City Marathon. It's a shame; there's nothing quite like watching thousands of people kill themselves while you get drunk and eat bacon. It's amazing how well mimosas go with bleeding nipples.

1. Tennessee Titans (8-0). It's Election Day, people. Seriously, it's finally here. I love this country. Be safe out there tonight. And trust me on the potential for hookups. Make it happen, people. Who works on a Wednesday anyway?

(By the way, to close you out this week, I remind you that the guy playing Captain America in that clip is Matt Salinger, the son of J.D. Salinger. I just can't imagine Pops was happy about that.)

It was always a relief, actually, knowing that Artificial Intelligence Technology would not progress enough in my lifetime to force me to spend my last seconds staring into these cold dead eyes.

But I always figured we weren't self-destructive enough as a species to destroy ourselves; the robots were destined to be the benefactors of our vainglory. This is all happening too fast. I fully expected to be on my death bed, screaming, "The robots! Damn the robots! Stop them ... while you still can!" But nope: We're gonna end up blowing ourselves up. Awesome.

But wait ... we might end up having the robots do the killing for us anyway.

Many things will change when Obama is elected. Other things will stay the same. And then there's a third category: things that are profoundly changing, and will continue to change, regardless of who's president. One of these things is anti-terrorist warfare. The war on terror is becoming a war between madmen and machines. A few years ago, jihadis had the upper hand because they didn't mind killing or dying. Now they're being blown away by remote-control pilots who can't be killed. The machines in the sky don't bleed, and they spare us the difficulties of an official troop presence. Pakistan has become the world's first robot proxy war.

And so it begins ...

Anyway. At least I didn't talk about Obama and McCain to start this week. Just one week to go, my friends.

32. Detroit Lions (0-7). In honor of Jon Kitna's shocking display of humor and self-awareness, a few notes on Halloween. Maybe it's my advanced age or just a lack of social graces, but this is the first time in memory that I haven't been invited to a single Halloween party. (I've even hosted them.) To be honest, this is just fine and dandy with me. It's always too much work to put together a costume, and no matter how far you're willing to go with it — and I'm never willing to go very far — there's someone who trumps you and makes you feel like a dope for even trying. The best Halloween costume I ever saw was four years ago, when a friend went as an Abu Ghraib prisoner. It's difficult to rise above that, or fall beneath it.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8). It's probably for the best that the NFL ordered Chad Johnson to take the "Ocho Cinco" off his jersey. Jokes like that aren't quite as funny when you're 0-8 and won't be favored until the last game of the season. (Maybe.)

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6). It would be fair to classify me as someone who lacks sartorial flair, but I have a legitimate question to any man out there who knows how to dress himself. Because I can only wear the same version of the same black T-shirt before people start considering me homeless, I've taken to wearing regular button-up shirts with a "sport" jacket over them. (Like so.) For years, I've worn undershirts, until a few weeks ago, when an acquaintance, upon seeing my plain white T-shirt under a blue shirt, basically laughed and pointed for about 15 minutes. I tend to wither under such circumstances, so I've stopped wearing them. I'm, of course, sweating through everything I own now. Is there a right answer to this question? Because I'm all screwed up.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6). New coaches usually are hired either to relax players who chafed under a totalitarian regime or light a proverbial fire under a group of layabouts. But it's rare that a coach loses his fucking mind after one game. For years, Singletary was an up-and-coming coaching prospect who never got top jobs because of whispers that he "wasn't ready." I think I understand now why there were whispers. Settle down, dude. It's one game.

28. Oakland Raiders (2-5). I know Drew's book is about to take over every frame of your Web browsing experience — and with good reason — but I'd like to take a brief moment to shout out to the Free Darko guys, whose Marcrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac I had the distinct pleasure of reading this weekend. It's annoyingly brilliant, particularly because they now have better editors than, uh, me. A note to both Drew and the Free Darko folks: Your books are well-thought-out, vividly illustrated and disturbingly organized. You're making the rest of us, who just slapped our books together as quickly as we could type them, look retroactively quite lame. Stop it, please.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5). Yep, these guys are in second place in the NFC West. They're only two games out, and still have to play the division leaders twice. I've had just about enough of this, "The Arizona Cardinals will run away with this division talk." I remind you once again: These are the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals. I'm putting odds of them blowing it at, oh, 75:25.

26. St. Louis Rams (2-5). A couple of weeks ago, for an article I wrote for the magazine, I watched the first four Saw movies in a row. This is not something I would recommend — even though the movies are better than they're given credit for — but I now have several different ways to methodically mutilate all my enemies. This comes in more handy than you'd think. Remember when movies had characters who would slip arsenic in people's drinks? It's much more fun when there is a pendulum, or the racks.

25. New York Jets (4-3). I know, they won, and I dropped them. Again, like you care. Anyway, this team almost lost to the Chiefs at home, and it was almost entirely attributable to a lousy game from Brett Favre. That's, like, three in a row now. At this point, you can actually Mad-Lib Favre's postgame, "No such thing as an ugly victory" speech. But there are plenty of ugly losses, and the Jets are about to have a bunch of them.

24. Miami Dolphins (3-4). Yesterday, the Los Angeles Times dropped 75 editorial jobs, which, amazingly, is only 10 percent of the paper's whole staff. (No word if "Christine Daniels" counts as one of the cuts.) How have they not gotten to Plaschke yet? He has to make as much as five or six copy editors, doesn't he? Meanwhile, in sad news, the great — and it wasn't always great, but it sure was great recently — Radar went under last week as well. This is how you know the economic downturn is hitting home: People at newspapers and magazines you don't read are losing their jobs. I always thought they'd be the last to die!

23. San Diego Chargers (3-5). While we're on the topic of job cuts ... Norv Turner is still employed.

22. Houston Texans (3-4). Like most few of you, I have been eagerly awaiting the return of "30 Rock." (It stars the lady who plays Palin and the guy who told Matt Damon to get married so he wouldn't look "faggy.") The first episode is already online, and it's typically hilarious — new dad Will Arnett has his best post-G.O.B. role yet — but, good heavens, what happened to Tracy Morgan? He has gained at least 55 pounds since we saw him last. This is what happens when we force our comedic superstars to stop doing drugs.

21. Cleveland Browns (3-4). I appreciate Bill Simmons going through all the trouble, but as much as I'm looking forward to the NBA season (and I really am!), I will never understand fantasy basketball. There are just too many stats. Honestly? I would play a fantasy basketball game that was just "points." That's easy to keep track of. Whoever has the guys with most points wins. That's really all I can handle. Sorry.

20. Indianapolis Colts (3-5). Next week: COLTS! AT! PATRIOTS! The game that will shake you to your very foundations. That is to say: Matt Cassell will be favored to end Peyton Manning's season.

OK, that was cheap. It's actually one of my favorite dumb television tricks to pretend the quarterbacks are the whole team. I wish all sports were like this. Utley vs. Baldelli!

Seriously, though, the Colts are done if they lose this game. Nice new stadium, though.

19. Minnesota Vikings (3-4). Back to Drew's book for a moment. If you do a Web search for "Men With Balls," this is what you come up with. Not to shill here, but I absolutely promise you the book is funnier than that.

18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4). And, with a thud, Will finally admits that his Super Bowl pick was a mistake. Inventive Columnist Alert! "If anybody out there knows the Heimlich maneuver, they might want to go over to the Jaguars locker room at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium and perform it on a team choking on its preseason hype." The funny thing is: It's not even a metaphor. The entire Jaguars team currently has large chunks of meat lodged in their esophagus. Someone should help them.

17. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (4-3). Fans of long-suffering teams, after their teams collapse and lose games they, by all rights, should have won, are apt to saying things like, "Even when it was (insert lopsided score here), I knew they were gonna lose. You could just tell." This is typically a fallacy. If their team would have won, they would have said, "I knew, right then, that this team was different." Everything looks inevitable in retrospect. All that said: I had no doubt that Arizona was going to lose that game. Really. Totally.

16. Denver Broncos (4-3). Look, I made it all the way down here without getting into politics. Not bad! My favorite non-Presidential election story of the week was this essay about Al Franken in Slate by The New Republic's Jonathan Chait. Basically, he points out that Franken is not this Baldwin-esque liberal windbag, but this quiet, rational, helplessly dorky satirist who sheepishly points out the only woman he's ever slept with is his wife. I read "Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot" nearly a decade ago, and that's the lone piece of information I remember: That he's never been with anyone other than his wife. I'm not sure if that's a reason to vote for him, or a reason not to. As much as I like the guy, I slightly veer toward the latter.

15. New Orleans Saints (4-3). Back to Simmons for a moment. It's been brought up pretty much everywhere, but I can't fathom how furious he must be to see the ESPN grand tour Barack Obama is taking. Simmons is notorious for taking offense at the most minor insults, and this was awfully freaking far from "minor." I still stand behind my initial assessment into ESPN's thinking: "Some online guy is gonna have Sen. Obama as a guest on his PODCAST? What the hell's a podcast? Better to wait until Stu Scott can talk to him about Carolina hoops after the convention. Why waste the access on a podcast?" Oh, by the way, here's even odds that if Obama wins, Reggie Love is an ESPN talking head within six months.

14. Baltimore Ravens (4-3). I love movie critic blurbs on posters, if just because I still have the newspaper ad from the one time I ever made it in. (Restoration is "winning," says Will Leitch of the Daily Southtown.) Here's my favorite one from this week, about The Secret Life Of Bees: "The cast in 'Bees' should be stung by Oscar." — Lee Thomas, FOX-TV.

13. Atlanta Falcons (4-3). I've been thinking a lot about "Chinese Democracy" lately, mostly because we all heard the first single Well, actually, I hope that's not the first single, considering, well, there's no hook. That's not to say I disliked the song. It kind of rocks, in a way I suspect the whole album will kind of rock. Basically, we've all been waiting so long for this album to come out that there's no way any of us will possibly enjoy it. We just need to get it over with, and out of the way. Axl really needs to come up with a down-and-dirty album, just extra shit he has lying around, slapped together Jack White-style, about six months after this album comes out. What he really needs is a reboot, Batman and James Bond-style. Unfortunately, that's more difficult to do with actual humans than fictional characters.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3). If you're ever bored waiting to be laid off at work, here's a fun toy: The cumulative traffic stats for every Deadspin writer. In what I pray is not a metaphor for my life as a whole, I still get better traffic for posts I wrote more than a year ago than the ones that I write right now. And hey: A spirited battle between Daulerio and Chandler for the lead spot!

11. Chicago Bears (4-3). Here's something I've noticed over the last few weeks: Now that he has no newspaper to write for — still waiting for those Web sites to come calling, Jay? — Jay Mariotti has spent most of his time serving as the go-to zeitgeist source for the SportsBusinessJournal. I see three quotes in the last week and a half. It's amazing how empty our sporting landscape seems without Mariotti to regularly guide us.

10. Buffalo Bills (5-2). I spent last weekend at another wedding in Buffalo — I think the girl is now officially out of relatives to get married — and discovered something amazing: Right now, in the city of Buffalo, the CBS affiliate is not being carried by Time Warner Cable. Seriously: There's a contract dispute with WIBV-TV and Time Warner, which means that unless you had DirectTV (or a rabbit-ears antenna), you could not watch the Bills game Sunday. It's one thing to miss out on the NFL Network or the Big Ten Network because of cable disputes. But CBS? Really? You can't even watch Letterman? No Two-And-A-Half Men? The millions of Jay Mohr fans are being deprived Gary: Unmarried? This is an extremely ominous sign, people.

9. Dallas Cowboys (5-3). Forgive me for not soiling the britches over a dull escape against Jeff Garcia at home, especially when they're gonna get killed at the Meadowlands this week. Now I remind you that Wade Phillips' daughter is a belly dancer.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3). One of the saddest spectacles of this election election cycle? The seeping irrelevance of Matt Drudge. Back in 1998, I felt like pretty much the coolest guy in the world for reading the Drudge Report. I remember being completely befuddled that some dude (in a fedora!) was printing stories that newspapers were ignoring; why were they ignoring these stories? Now Drudge has turned into a fading partisan hack with occasional links to stories about people in Florida who have sex with animals. (And, honestly, the WORST advertisers on the Web. Who are these people?) It's really a shame. I honestly check the Drudge Report about once every two weeks now; I used to go about 10 times a day. Happens to everybody, I guess.

7. Carolina Panthers (6-2). Palin Watch! Now that it appears that Barack Obama is going to .... you know, I'm just gonna cut that statement off at the pass right there. Let's go with: If something COMPLETELY UNLIKELY AND IS IN NO WAY POSSIBLE TO BE JINXED happens like the McCain-Palin ticket losing, there has been considerable debate as to what will happen to our charming vice presidential nominee. Some think she's destined to host a show on Fox News and get the hell out of politics. I am not so sure: Imagine that woman, with her obvious political talents, coming back after three years of studying. If she had a faint idea of what was going on, she'd be quite the formidable opponent. We have not heard the last of her. Here's saying she runs in 2012. And, just in case you want to invest in my theory, you can buy this domain name.

6. New England Patriots (5-2). Yep, they're gonna win this division again. Fortunately, because no one thought to be extra-special-careful while operating on Tom Brady, he's gonna miss next year too. Don't tell Favre.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2). I honestly can't get over that Pittsburgh's Congressman, John Murtha, keeps calling his constituents racists. This is quite the stump speech! I dunno, I haven't been in the House for 34 years like Murtha has but, you know, that just seems like an unhelpful strategy.

4. Washington Redskins (6-2). Another oddity from Reilly's column on Obama: Reilly got married last month! It's his second marriage; he was divorced after 22 years of marriage in 2005. That's not what's strange, though. It's that he got married on a Tuesday.

3. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3). As a general rule, if Bud Selig is giving a press conference live on "SportsCenter," it's never a good sign. What was so strange about Selig's explanation of the rainout last night — which, all told, was handled about as well as could have been expected, save for not calling the game in the third inning like they probably should have — was how truly depressed Selig looked. He looked like he'd just made the decision to let Pete Rose sit in the Phillies' dugout, and Pete had ended up shooting Ryan Howard in the face. This is baseball's best spokesperson? From now on, Bud, let Bob DuPuy talk. His interview in the dugout during the delay was straightforward, honest and blunt. And we knew exactly what was going on and didn't feel like something horrible was happening. Come on, Bud! It's a rain delay! It happens! Cheer up!

2. New York Giants (6-1). Probably because I'm a baseball fan, I love safeties. (For some reason, safeties seem like the most baseball-like of all football scores.) So I particularly enjoyed the Giants-Steelers safety that actually tied the game at 14. It's pretty rare that a game has a 14-12 score, so then to have a safety tie it up, in the fourth quarter no less, was kind of fun. And here you were, thinking the Giants were boring.

1. Tennessee Titans (7-0). Hey, so Kerry Collins, right now, has to be considered the favorite to be a starting quarterback in the Super Bowl. That's uplifting! Lest we forget what happened the last time Kerry Collins was in the Super Bowl ... in Tampa no less! That was the worst Super Bowl of my lifetime. We must do what we can to make sure that doesn't happen again.

I cannot fathom this. Watching the two candidates joke around like that was like learning your grandma is secretly a leather fetishist. Wait ... they can really talk like this? And if so ... why aren't they talking like this all the time? For all the talk of Obama being "elitist," or McCain being "out of touch," watching this proves just how stupid they think all of us really are. In a room with a bunch of journalists in tuxedos, hey, everybody's havin' fun, I love this guy, isn't campaigning just a gas, look, I have a personality! And then the minute they leave the room, they go back to alternating being cruel, boring and completely beside the whole point.

Honestly, about 85 percent of my psychic energy — yes: My energy is PSYCHIC! — for the last 10 months has been focused on this election. We're only two weeks away, and that's not close enough; I need my life back. I've watched these two men talk, and hundreds of other people talk about them, incessantly, obsessively ... and then, for one night, they just switch into Normal Human Mode? You can't do this to me. I don't know what to think anymore. It's all too much. BE MORE NORMAL. A pox on both their houses. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. The eagle has landed. Make it rain.

Yep: I really need this election to get here, and overwith. Thank Allah we have football.

32. Detroit Lions (0-6). This site loves to make fun of columnists, but I have to give the Detroit Free-Press' Michael Rosenberg much love for the following line: "The Texans and Lions basically run the same offense, except the Texans added this play where they have one of their receivers go to a spot where the nearest Lion is 15 yards away." This is funny for two reasons. One, because I have no doubt that if such a play existed, the Lions would purposely exclude it from their playbook. And two, it sums up the way pretty much everyone I know watches football: "That guy is wide open! Why wasn't anyone covering him?" Ron Jaworski can break down all the film he wants, but that is the extent of gameplanning that most fans understand. And that's fine. Have you seen the people who spend hours breaking down NFL game film? They're miserable, man.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6). Ohio's a swing state, which means everyone in Ohio has been sick of television ads (mostly Obama's) for weeks now. But there is good news: None of Ohio's sports teams are good right now. This is sparing Ohioians from the always-amusing subsect of Sports Pandering. Hillary Clinton was the worst at this, but this week, we learned just how bad both Obama and Sarah Palin are at this. Say what you will about McCain, but he loves his teams, and only his teams. And yes, I'm saying that because he gave a shoutout to the Buzzsaw during his last debate. That wasn't enough to change my vote, but it was closer than I'd like to admit.

30. Seattle Seahawks (1-5). I'm not proud of this, but, well, I was cheering for the Red Sox on Sunday night. I didn't realize this until the seventh inning, when it dawned on me, Holy shit, I want Boston to win. What has happened to me? I think it's because, deep down, we all kind of like dynasties. We don't want one team to win every year, but we do want one team to have won the past few years, so that it means more (and we revel in more schadenfreude) when they do lose. The reason the Patriots' loss to the Giants meant so much was because the Patriots were a dynasty, or at least as close to one as we can get anymore. If the Giants had beaten the Chargers in the Super Bowl, it wouldn't have meant nearly as much. The Rays are a great story — though I'm still not convinced they have more than 500 real fans — but the outcome of the World Series will now be a really big deal only to Phillies and Rays fans. This is fine, of course: The World Series is still the best sporting event on earth. But it now has the feel of the 2002 series between the Angels and Giants; it feels like there's less at stake, even though there isn't. (I'm aware the 2006 series seemed like this to most of you, but I'm ignoring you.)

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5). As much as I love writing this column and talking about the site with Daulerio, I don't actually miss running Deadspin as much as I would have thought. I loved doing it, but I loved doing it too much; it completely takes over your life, which is fine at noon, but not fine at 11 p.m. when you're unable to enjoy yourself because you're obsessed with the possibility of a no-hitter in that Rangers-Mariners game. This is a 24-hour job, which is what makes it great and what makes so many people burn out. I miss it, but not all of it. One thing I do miss, though: The random angry emails from Jason Whitlock. (It appears Daulerio's getting plenty of these.) Back before he decided I was a racist, Whitlock used to just spout off all the time, and it was always glorious. I think Whitlock is probably the most fascinating person working in sports journalism today, unhinged, brilliant, tortured (remember when he took his "mental break?") and always compulsively readable. When this site was about a month old, Whitlock emailed me and asked for my phone number. We ended up talking for about two hours. Actually, that's not quite true; I would ask a question, and he would talk for about 45 minutes, and then I would ask another one. It was awesome. I miss him. Maybe we can be friends again, if he ever gets over that Will's A Racist thing. Come on, Jason: I'm voting for Obama! I'm all clear now!

28. Miami Dolphins (2-4). Much love this week to the kids at my old stomping grounds of the Daily Illini, which introduced us to Ron Zook's Performance Enhancing Substance. Please, please read: "Zook's reputation for having limitless energy, and his penchant for avoiding sleep, is well known. But last April, Davis offered the Chicago Tribune a rather peculiar source of Zook's vigor. 'He used to carry sugar packets in his shorts,' Davis told the Tribune. 'In the middle of practice he would rip open a packet. I'd say, 'What are you doing?' He said, 'Gotta have a burst! Gotta have a burst! On the Jazz! On the Jazz!''"

GOTTA HAVE A BURST! ON THE JAZZ! ON THE JAZZ!

27. Cleveland Browns (2-4). So much for that supposed Browns resurgence. I kind of love that the Vikings tried to trade for Brady Quinn this week. It's a shame that most of the Vikings sex boat crew is gone from that team now. I think they would have all gotten along.

26. Oakland Raiders (2-4). It's a shame the Raiders pulled out the win this week, because a loss would have brought us that much closer to Drew's Amazing Scenario (I own that copyright, bitch) that an interim coach would be fired in the middle of the season. Drew and I were discussing it, and we're pretty sure it's never happened, but isn't this year's Raiders team the ideal circumstance for it to happen? Mr. Cable, the good news is that we've removed the "interim" from your title. There's some bad news ...

25. San Francisco 49ers (2-5). Speaking of Drew, he pointed this Joe The Plumber tribute page out to me yesterday, with the happy kicker, "It's Joe The Plumber Fan Art!" Indeed, it is. I recommend you check out that "Nobama '08" site, not just for the expansive collection of witty bumper stickers, but also this photo of Joe The Plumber himself.

Let's see ... pack of Marlboros ... notepad ... "collectible" plastic cup from a sporting event ... Holy shit, I am Joe the Plumber! Well, except, you know, Joe the Plumber actually has a marketable skill.

Oh, and Mike Nolan got fired, which means the next 49ers coach is going dress exactly like Joe the Plumber. Sad, really.

24. Houston Texans (2-4). I received the following invitation from a company called CableFAX, which has been spamming me for a couple of years now. "Join Chris Berman, Philippe Cousteau, Florence Henderson and Mystery Guest at the CableFAX Program Awards Luncheon on October 29, 2008 at the National Press Club in Washington, DC as we salute the most outstanding cable programs and people of the year." God, how could I resist?

23. St. Louis Rams (2-4). This has gone from a team I thought would have trouble beating Chase Daniel and Missouri to being the team I'm most concerned about swiping the NFC West from my Buzzsaw this year. And it's all due to Jim Haslett. Jim Haslett! I had forgotten the signature symbol of Haslett's tenure in New Orleans: The playbook boner!

22. New Orleans Saints (3-4). My Saints contribution this week is, once again, from Alex Balk's Tumblr, which linked to this Found Magazine letter that, I warn you, is about to make you cry and ruin your day.

21. New York Jets (3-3). I wrote about this over at New York, but the Jets are seriously done, folks. They're gonna have to go 7-3 the rest of the way to have a hope at the playoffs, and the easy part of their schedule is done. By the way, if you watched this game, that has to be the most pathetic overtime offensive display I've ever seen, for both teams. If Sebastian Janikowski hadn't been freebasing the date-rape drug before the game, giving him the strength to kick a 57-yard field goal, I have no doubt this would have ended in a tie. (Note: The date-rape drug does not give you strength. Do not use the date-rape drug.)

20. Minnesota Vikings (3-4). Back to Drew! Drew doesn't bore you with political talk in his column, because he's smart enough to recognize that you're, you know, sports fans and therefore don't want politics peanut butter mixed in with sports chocolate. Nevertheless: Drew pointed out, after watching that uncomfortably hilarious "Saturday Night Live" with Sarah Palin the other day, "Sarah Palin is proof that, if you're a chick and you're kinda hot, you can pretty much get away with anything. Remember when Hilary would give speeches and you'd hear Republicans (and really, all men) say, "God, she's so shrill. It's like hearing my mother. MY TESTES ARE GOING INTO MY STOMACH!" Then you have Palin, who's even worse with a more annoying voice, out there on the stump and now you got Republican guys going, "God, I just love hearing her TALK! She's amazing! She's got a real quality to her!" I could not possibly agree more: I never realized just how attractive I found Sarah Palin until she was raising the roof to Amy Poehler's (awesome) rap. She's going to run for President in 2012, and when she loses, she's going to take over Bill Maher's show on HBO. I would consider this an improvement.

19. San Diego Chargers (3-4). For some reason, this isn't being shouted from the mountaintops, but seriously: Fire Norv. How could anyone have possibly seen this coming?

18. Denver Broncos (4-3). Well, that didn't go well. You know — it occurs to me that "you know" is my own personal McCain "My Friends" tic — this was supposed to be the year that Mike Shanahan reminded us he was a genius. The last time he made the playoffs was when Jake Plummer had a career season. Worth noting.

17. Indianapolis Colts (3-4). They're dead now, right? Is it safe to come out?

16. Baltimore Ravens (3-3). Here's an old interview I found with Ray Lewis, in which he talks about how he looks forward to getting married after he retires from football. Of course, Ray Lewis isn't going to retire from football until he's 45 years old and killed everybody left. Which is fine, actually. Who wouldn't want to see a Nights In Rodanthe with Ray Lewis? I'm thinking Stacey Dash in the Diane Lane part, and, of course, Tyler Perry can direct.

15. Dallas Cowboys (4-3). God, this is satisfying, isn't it? This is like watching Mark Foley go down. (I mean watching his career end, by the way.)

14. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (4-2). A lot of people have been asking lately when I will jump on board with this team, considering half the team will have to develop typhoid fever for them not to win the NFC West. (Which I am not discounting.) I honestly think it's this week against Carolina. If they win this week, I'm officially excited. Until then, I'm still convinced we're doomed. I hope I can fire up soon, though, because I'd love to get angry when Peter King calls them a "fluke," rather than nodding my head slowly in agreement.

13. Green Bay Packers (4-3). If you're not reading Lisanti Quarterly, here's what you're missing:

Lisanti: "You know, everyone told me, Enough with the yellow already. It’s not summer anymore. Even though it’s been pretty hot here lately. And did I listen? No. I thought I could pull off the hat/zip-up/pants combo at the picnic. But looking again, you know what? I’m still not totally convinced I was wrong."

12. New England Patriots (4-2). Nobody knows what the deal with these guys are, but, like the Colts, they just won't die. Also, Happy Feet Cassel looked halfway decent last night. Most important: Randy Moss has his smile back. It's so upsetting when Randy's upset.

Let's take a look at the Emotional Fluctuations Of Randy Moss:

Sad Randy:

Happy Randy:

Arrested Randy:

Erection Randy:

Cute Randy:

Disgusting Act Randy:

Plastic Randy:

Super Bowl Champion Randy:

(Sorry, I'm having trouble finding a picture here.)

11. Chicago Bears (4-3). I have no idea how this happened, but while "researching" this "column" today, I came across a Drunk Kyle Orton picture I'd never seen before.

How did I miss this? Honestly, can you believe we're seeing Orton do this? Forty-eight points? Orton? I mean, it turns out he's better than Matt Leinart at everything. I'll be damned.

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2). Before you start getting mad at me again, Bonnie Bernstein, I am not the one who posted pictures of you accidentally showing your underwear. I am the one who got all the Muslims mad at you. Let's try to keep this straight.

9. Carolina Panthers (5-2). Palin Watch! By now, you might have seen the Sarah Palin swimsuit competition. You know, swimsuits have really improved, quite dramatically. Someone should do a study on this. Oh, wait: They already have! Thanks, Canada!

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3). From Entertainment Weekly: "Survivor’s Jeff Probst has created — and will host — a new reality pilot for CBS. The show, Live Like You’re Dying, will feature a person who has been given a terminal diagnosis with a finite amount of time to live and “take them on the last adventure of their life,” according to Probst. That adventure will include reunions with lost friends or formerly feuding family members, a “legacy moment” that will ensure their name carries on forever, and living out a personal dream." If I am dying, I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend time with more than the host of "Backchat."

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2). You know, the more and more I think about it, the more of a shame it is that the Rays traded away both Delmon Young and Elijah Dukes right before they went to the World Series. Sure, these things might be related, but come on: You wouldn't want to hear Joe Buck say, "You Dead, Dawg" right before cutting to Scooter, the talking baseball.

6. Washington Redskins (5-2). It was a sad day in our nation's capital over the weekend: The annual Best Buddies Ball popped its last champagne cork. Or, that is to say, Corky.

5. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3). The Eagles have a home game at 1 p.m. Sunday, and then the city hosts Game 4 of the World Series that night. That should be fun. What could possibly go wrong? I love the NFL, but, as I'm sure you're aware, I'm a baseball guy through and through. Which is why I'm always appreciative of NBC (and, formerly, ESPN) not scheduling a Sunday night game to go opposite the World Series. It might be depressing when the regular season NFL game gets better ratings.

4. Buffalo Bills (5-1). I'm going to be at a wedding in Buffalo this weekend — you know, for a town that's supposedly dying, they sure do host a bunch of goddamned weddings — and I'm looking forward once again to taking the local culture. I'm kind of hoping they introduce another mascot this year, a guy running around in a Tim Russert costume. I would cheer for that guy. Heck, you can even kind of guess what it might look like.

3. New York Giants (5-1). I'm writing a column for the magazine this week, assuming I don't screw it up, and we were discussing possible topics. We discussed the Giants — the defending Super Bowl champions, off to a 5-1 start — and dismissed it in about 15 seconds. There's literally nothing interesting about this team. I suppose that's good.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1). I know Dashiell already did something on this today — oh, and isn't Dashiell great? You have no idea how happy he is not to have to look at porn all day for his job — but seriously: I am dumbfounded that the referee tackle in the LSU-South Carolina game isn't the biggest story in sports right now. A REF TACKLED A PLAYER! What???? I mean, watch this again:

I mean, we're worried about Ed Hochuli inadvertently blowing his whistle? A REF TACKLED A PLAYER! Christ!

1. Tennessee Titans (6-0). I am looking forward to the Titans losing so I don't have to end this column with them every week. Sure, sure, they're great, got it. But I only have so many Kerry Collins Was Much More Fun When He Was Drunk All The Time stories to draw from.

Whenever my friends from home ask me what life is like in New York City, I tell them that it's a place where you can be 29 forever. At my party last year, we had people with ages ranging from 21 to 65 ... and they were all in the same social circle. I do not think this could exist anywhere else in this country, and I am not sure it is a sustainable business model. In 2002, when I was turning 27, I had a party, and it's depressing to look at the pictures now. We were all so young, and so poor, and so stupid, and so much more likely to make it out drinking the next night. It's Tuesday, and I'm still wobbly from the party Saturday. And I wasn't even that drunk. It's all falling apart, kids. In two years, my birthday party is going to be three friends of mine having coffee at a Denny's. We'll be in bed by 9 p.m. And that'll be just fucking fine.

I think maybe I should stop having birthday parties. Not that I will.

To the football, before the toxins exit ...

32. Detroit Lions (0-5). I don't want to overstate this, but Dan Orlovsky's accidental safety has immediately become one of my favorite NFL plays of all time. The best part about it is that eventually someone had to tell him what was going on. I wish everyone could have agreed, in that split second, not to inform him of his gaffe. I guarantee you, he would have thrown the most beautiful pass of his career and then charged downfield for the celebration. We haven't had a good "You're running the wrong way!" moment in sports for a while. This might have been as close as we were going to get.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5). Not to harp on Orlovsky here, but because my brain doesn't work right sometimes, his play reminded me of the infamous Tourist Of Death. It's kind of funny now, but in the days after 9/11, this photo totally got around, and, for about 20 minutes, we all believed it. We were so gullible back then. Fortunately, since irony died, everyone is all on the straight-and-narrow now.

30. Oakland Raiders (1-4). The best way to describe the feeling of being a Raiders fan these days — screwed, awful, with zero hope in sight — is to flip through the fun new Sad Guys On Trading Floors site. We've all enjoyed these pictures in the paper for the last month, and now, they're all in one place.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4). The NFL trading deadline is in a few hours, so unless Daulerio just posted a Jay Glazer exclusive in the last 20 minutes, we still don't know if Tony Gonzalez is going to be traded. I think it's pretty great that, right after Gonzalez "demanded" the trade, the Chiefs announced they planned to honor him before this Sunday's game. This is like that old Steven Wright joke: "I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me — he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."

28. St. Louis Rams (1-4). And, suddenly, Jim Haslett is really popular in St. Louis. I think we've learned something about Haslett: He's brilliant when immediately following a horrific coach. In New Orleans, it was Ditka; in St. Louis, Scott Linehan. The bad news is that St. Louis is about to be devastated by some sort of natural disaster, and Haslett will then be fired. Fortunately, Missouri's a swing state, so the feds might actually show up to help.

27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4). It's beginning to look as if the Seahawks — the preseason favorite to win this division, I remind you — aren't going to be favored to win another game until December. Holmgren has to be considering the notion of just leaving now, right? No one would mind, and no one would blame him.

26. Houston Texans (1-4). Because I'm election-obsessed — please, God, make this end, please; I desperately need my life back — I've been reading Richard Ben Cramer's "What It Takes." (It's an exhaustive look at the 1988 Presidential campaign.) I do not recommend this book, because even though it's great, it's 1,072 pages, and those are pages with Infinite Jest-like print. However, two strong raves. Make sure to read the section about Joe Biden. But mostly, read the first chapter, in which we learn more about the 1988 version of Dubya than you ever could have imagined. (He basically pitches a shitfit because he's unhappy with his seats for a game at the Astrodome.) I can't believe Al Gore didn't just read that chapter aloud during the 2000 debates. No one would have ever, ever voted for that guy.

25. Miami Dolphins (2-3). Pretty amazing story from the 75th Anniversary issue of Esquire: It turns out that two Mensa-level (read: Egghead elitists!) Obama advisors met and fell in love during the campaign. Awww. One of them is Samantha Power, the actually-kind-of-hot foreign policy writer who got in all that trouble for the "Hillary is a monster" comment back in the primaries. The other is Cass Sunstein, a prolific theorist who just wrote the book "Nudge," which suggests governments need to occasionally "nudge" people to do the right things, and they will happily follow. (For example, requiring you to check a box NOT to have a 401(k), rather than checking a box if you want one.) Power describes Sunstein this way: "He wakes up in the morning and the first thing he does is reach over to the laptop by his bed, and, with this big smile on his face, just starts typing. Before he does anything, before he has breakfast, before he goes to the bathroom. He's the only person I've ever met who appears to develop fully formed, groundbreaking theories while asleep." God, how I hate this man.

24. Cleveland Browns (2-3). I have no idea how the Browns caught the Giants napping last night, and I suspect they don't either. I do know that this is making Brady Quinn's ascendence to the Browns' throne likely to happen later rather than sooner, and I can think of one man and one woman who might be upset by that.

Later, of course, she shot him.

23. San Francisco 49ers (2-4). So you know how I worship "The Wrestler" with Mickey Rourke? Hollywood Elsewhere published an old interview with Rourke, from 1992, after the LA riots. Here's what Rourke had to say: "The blood of Los Angeles falls on those who instigated this revolt, the malicious prophets of black cinema and rap music, the movies such as those of Spike Lee and John Singleton.” Ha. This must have been why Rourke wasn't in "Crash."

22. Baltimore Ravens (2-3). I suppose it's just the Ravens' misfortune that they happened to be the opponent when Peyton Manning finally recovered from his phantom surgery. It's probably time to accept that Willis McGahee just isn't very good. Whichever. So! Frank Caliendo! I hadn't realized that Caliendo is doing the voice of John Madden for that Blitz video game. As much everybody dislikes that guy, I don't think this is a terrible idea. Celebrity impersonators for video games? Why not? If I found someone who did a dead-on impersonation of Jack Buck, I'd want him to broadcast every video baseball game. I think he'd have to.

21. New England Patriots (3-2). Too low, I know. Like you care. Anyway, I feel obliged to point out the hilarity of Mark Wahlberg getting pissed off about Andy Samberg's impersonation of him on "SNL" a couple of weeks ago. ("How you doin', goat? I like your beard.") This tells me all I ever needed to know about Mark Wahlberg. I hope he has to spend the rest of his life doing M. Night Shylaman movies. (By the way, please, PLEASE rent "The Happening" yet, if you haven't seen it. Highlights of this brilliance are below. He's SO GOOD in this movie.)

20. Minnesota Vikings (3-3). Politics alert! Here's my favorite sign from a McCain-Palin event.

19. Green Bay Packers (3-3). The lead story in the Green Bay Post-Gazette yesterday was about the Packers "reviving" their season. The paper also had a "special section:" The 25 members of "Leadership Green Bay." (It's quite the ethnically diverse group.) Considering how many people live in Green Bay, you'd have to think, considering this is the 25th class, that eventually everyone gets to be a part of this. Everybody plays an inning!

18. Chicago Bears (3-3). I'm a bit of a Tarantino dork, so forgive my excitement about "Inglorious Bastards," even if it does have Mike Myers. I've always thought that Mike Ditka — who, remember, almost took on Barack Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race — could have a part in this film. He'd need to be chewing on a cigar throughout.

17. New Orleans Saints (3-3). You know that "blogger" that MLB is using to promote their "Postseason 08" package on all the playoff games? Well, apparently "October Gonzo" has his own site. Boy, it's pretty great. Quote: "Hiroki Kuroda might not speak English very well, but he speaks the language of the unwritten code of baseball just fine, apparently. Just ask Shane Victorino." Thanks, random actor guy! (Actually, I think it's that guy from "Reaper.") My favorite part is how the "character" keeps calling for reader predictions and comments. So far: None on the most recent post. There's only one October!

16. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (4-2). I am not saying anything. I'm just not. I'm not ready. Maybe the bye week will help me out here.

OK, I will say this: If the Buzzsaw had lost that game Sunday, there isn't a doubt in my mind that they would have finished this season 6-10. None. Now? Well, hey, 7-9 sounds about right.

Sorry. I need more time. But hey: Looks like we broke the Cowboys. So, you're welcome, America.

15. New York Jets (3-2). My magazine ran a great feature on Nate Silver, the guy from Baseball Prospectus who runs FiveThirtyEight.com. It's a great site, and I'm absolutely addicted ... but, for the sake of discussion ... if it turns out that John McCain ends up winning this election, do you think Silver will ever be able to show his face in public again? I'm gonna have to say no.

14. Atlanta Falcons (4-2). I know I'm all over the place today, and the actual amount of football is low. I apologize. It's just that I'm so enraptured by what 40 "comics" I've never heard of think of the World Series. That would distract a monk.

13. San Diego Chargers (3-3). I'm somewhat fascinated by pointless bowl games, so, at this point, I mention that Philip Rivers is a rare two-time MVP of the Tangerine Bowl. It's now the Champs Sports Bowl, also known as "another bowl too good for my Illini this year."

12. Indianapolis Colts (3-3). Here they come. Honestly, Rosenfels: Why couldn't you have put these guys away when you had the chance?

11. Carolina Panthers (4-2). Palin Watch! My favorite bit of Palin news this week — other than the booing in Philadelphia — is the interview with Levi Johnston, Bristol's baby mama, or whatever. Technically speaking, he's not supposed to be granting access to the press, but the guy's no dummy: He sees the writing on the wall and knows he only has another three weeks to go until no one cares about him again, costing him that reality show he so desperately craved. Highlight quote, when asked about appearing at the RNC: ""At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, 'Whatever.'" Totes!

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2). Because this looks like the first season in a while — OK, since last season — that we might have a winless team, it's worth looking back at the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Actually, it's worth just looking at this photo, of then-quarterback Steve Spurrier.

9. Denver Broncos (4-2). The South Park guys got in some "trouble" this week when they showed cartoon versions of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas raping a cartoon version of Indiana Jones. (Oh, and a stormtrooper.) I didn't find anything offensive about it — though it wasn't the funniest episode I'd ever seen — but I did enjoy a shoutout to "The Accused," a movie I had forgotten about. It came out in 1988, and I swear to God, when I saw this movie in high school, I wanted to go to every woman in my school and apologize for the wretchedness of my gender. (This movie is way too much for a 13 year old.) By the way, you know how actors are often wary of playing truly gruesome characters, lest they be so loathsome that no one will ever want to see them in a movie again? Ask this film's rapist how that worked out for him.

8. Dallas Cowboys (4-2). Be afraid, everybody. (That is to say: Everyone rejoice.) The Cowboys are in serious trouble. If they sneak past St. Louis this week — and I wouldn't put it past them to lose — they've got three games they could very easily drop if Tony Romo's still out. As of this second, they're the worst team in this division. Heavens.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3). Did you know that David Garrard has Crohn's Disease? I must have missed the 50 "ESPN GameDay" segments about this. Mike McCready from Pearl Jam also has Crohn's Disease, along with Theo Fleury, Cynthia McFadden and George "the Animal" Steele.

6. Buffalo Bills (4-1). Wanna know what the top story in the Buffalo newspaper is the day after the football team has an off week? Boy, that weather sure is nice!

5. Washington Redskins (4-2). Oops!

4. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3). I am so overrating this team, and I'm not even sure why anymore. Interesting thing about Donovan McNabb: He tutored Illinois quarterback Juice Williams in the offseason. That's sweet of him. I wonder if he met Zook. I imagine professional players trying to keep their distance from Zook when they come to see Illinois players. His schtick only works on teenagers, I'd bet.

By the way, the Phillies are one game away from the World Series. I just wrote that so Daulerio would pass out halfway through "editing" this.

3. New York Giants (4-1). The dream comes closer: Everyone in the NFL at 8-8. The entire season, an enormous palindrome. They'd have to bring in Nate Silver to figure out the playoff tiebreakers.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1). If I lived in Pittsburgh, I would, without question, watch Steelers 24/7, a Comcast On Demand channel. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch "Chin Ups - Hosted by Marketing Assistant Mike Marchinsky?"

1. Tennessee Titans (5-0)> Not sure what you're doing for Halloween yet? Get thee to Steve McNair's retirement party, aboard the General Jackson Showboat in Nashville. It's an open bar! Well, it's an open bar if you pay the $3,000 for the Gold Table package. So it's an open bar the way it's an open bar at a wedding you paid for. (At least this is for charity.) General Admission tickets are $100. Or you can be cheap and just join the fan club.

Seriously, watch that. Friends, THAT'S a question. No topic up for debate, no vision or plan to outline for the American people. Hey, Eyebrows: Whaddya gonna do if some guy rapes and kills your wife? Mull on that, Professor. People say the media is somehow getting worse, that it's distorting the political process for the sake of ratings and self-aggrandizing. This could perhaps be true. But can you imagine if Brian Williams started out the debate tonight with, "So, Sen. McCain, let's say, at this very moment, your wife Cindy is beating beaten and violated by a gang of roaming leprechauns. How would you react? Would there be a punishment for the Irish and small?" A debate started with a question about a candidate's wife being raped and murdered!

It reminds me a lot of Daulerio's old Rock And A Hard Place interview series on The Black Table. He would ask media figures ridiculous either/or questions and see how they responded. (Including Jayson Blair!) For old times sake, I asked Daulerio to come up with a question he'd ask if he were moderating the debate tonight. Henceforth: "Sen. McCain: Would you rather have your family killed by an Islamic extremist suicide bomber or have them attacked by wild dogs? And if attacked by wild dogs, would you eliminate unregistered animals all over the world?"

Don't tell me that somehow political coverage is worse now. There's no way.

Anyway: Signature throat clearing done. To the football.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4). I'd like to thank Bill Simmons, in his NFL picks column last week, for dusting off the tried and true BYE WEEK (-17.5) over Rams joke. You really can't go wrong. You see: They're not even playing. And they'll STILL lose. He might not have been joking, actually. I'm not sure Chase Daniel and Missouri could beat the Rams right now, but it'd have to be close. Put it this way: The Lions, as Peter King pointed out, have gotten off to 21-0, 21-0, 21-3, 31-0 deficits this season to start games, and I still don't think they're the worst team in the NFL.

31. Detroit Lions (0-4). But they are close. I'm longtime friends with Michael David Smith from AOL Fanhouse — we went to college together, back when each of us were fun — and we've always enjoyed the yearly matchup between his Lions and my Buzzsaw. It's been an annual, of course, because each of our teams are always horrible. It feels kind of empty without the game this year, like when two ugly people in high school who are always each other's pity prom dates suddenly can't fulfill the obligation their senior year because one of them has been involved in an airplane crash.

30. Cincinnati Bengals. So you've surely seen this already, but I can't stop playing with it: Google's 2001 search engine, which allows you to search as if it were January 1, 2001. I cannot stop playing with this. My favorite searches so far:

a: Will Leitch.
b: Sarah Palin.
c: Montreal Expos.
d: Paris Hilton.
e: Bill Simmons.
f: Crystal Meth. (Highlight: "I have several friends that have been taking 'crystal-meth.' They are just in love with it; saying how wonderful it is. What is it?")

I'm sure you'll have your own favorites.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4). Did you know you can rent out Herman Edwards for your wedding? Surely, the Deadspin community can come up with enough scratch to deliver him to one lucky reader. He'd have to give every toast, until he tripped over the cake.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-3). Two more highlights from King's column. The first, this quote from Al Davis: ""I'm healthy. You're going to have to have me around for a while. I'm fine, really. I take all the tests four times a year. I get a checkup on everything, echo and all those things. All the blood work, I do that four times a year. My mother, you know, she lived a long time, 103. I hope nothing happens. Because disease is the one thing, boy, I tell you, it's tough to lick. It's tough to lick those diseases. I don't know why they can't. It bothers me they won't let us use — and it doesn't mean that I'm Republican or Democrat — the stem-cell. I think it could help.''

And second, this one from Peter King: "Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history — George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick."

OK, which one is crazier? Like, they're pretty close, right?

27. Houston Texans (0-4). That Texans loss was so similar to so many Buzzsaw losses over the years that I want to send a letter of commiseration and condolence to Houston fans, like when one country's leader who once suffered an earthquake in a major metropolitan area sends sympathies to someone who just had one. Like a, "We Are All Texans" type of thing. You know, you think you can count on Sage Rosenfels ... and then he screws you. You've foiled me for the last time, Rosenfels!

26. Cleveland Browns (1-3). Some wisdom from the Cleveland Browns Web site right now: "See the Browns run. See the Browns stop the run. See the Browns win." It can't be fun to work for the Cleveland Browns' Web site.

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-3). Tim Grierson, my best pal from Mattoon High School, pointed out that last week marked the 17th anniversary of the release of Nevermind. And there's your most depressing news of the day.

24. San Francisco 49ers (2-3). I'm not sure anyone's ever figured out what happened to Tina Fey to cause that tiny scar on her face, and, frankly, I'm disappointed this guy has given up the good fight. I tell anyone who will listen that Tina Fey is our generation's Woody Allen, and they look at me with the same glazed-over, empty stare I get every time I say "Woody Allen."

Tina's the one on the far right.

23. Green Bay Packers (2-3). Rough day in Wisconsin on Sunday. I will attempt to boost the spirits of Wisconsinites by pointing out that when I was in Milwaukee earlier this year for a long weekend, I noticed that I've never been to a place that had so many attractive women dating morbidly obese men. Deadspin readers, why are we not living in Milwaukee? It's cheap, and they have a lake downtown. And all they do is drink! We're all idiots for not living in Milwaukee.

22. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Yep, I'm done, enough with these guys. By the way, at this rate, you can pretty much count on Norv Turner running for office in the next few years.

21. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Cheering for Kurt Warner is like cheering for a piano prodigy whose career was ruined by a heroin addiction to remain clean just long enough to make it through one last recital. You know he's going to relapse. He always does. You just hope that he makes it through the Rachmaninoff without using, knowing full well you won't know until he either finishes, or starts urinating on the orchestra. (Note: I am not sure this analogy makes sense. This Buzzsaw season is already driving me insane.)

20. New York Jets (2-2). I'm no political scientist or pundit, but I will say this about the potential success of the McCain-Palin campaign's attempt to tie Obama's friendship with William Ayers to "palling around with terrorists." I had two friends from home this weekend express surprise that William Ayers was white. That is to say: This is probably going to work, and even though I don't think it'll be enough to swing the election to McCain, I suspect my fellow Obama supporters, always prone to terrified histrionics, have a few more "holy fuck we're blowing this" moments left in them.

19. Miami Dolphins (2-2). Now that Chris Berman has come full circle and is doing NutriSystem ads — I dunno, maybe I just have a crappy TV, but, uh, he doesn't look any skinnier — I recommend everyone head over to Nutrisystem's site and play around for a while. Cris Carter is a Nutrisystem success story! I love how he tried to puff out his stomach like he was "fat" in the "before" picture. (Along with Dan Marino and "Steve B.") Something tells me they didn't need to ask Berman to do that.

18. New Orleans Saints (2-3). Most remarked upon baseball playoff advertisement: That DirectTV commercial in which a digitally enhanced Craig T. Nelson hawks their shitty and annoying satellite service while the little girl from "Poltergeist" says "They're heeeeere." Of course, that's Heather O'Rourke at the end of the bed, the little girl who died at the age of 12 after "Poltergeist 3." (We're Old Alert: She would be 32 today, and addicted to drugs.) I look forward to the next round of DirectTV commercials, in which Brandon Lee sells us the Sunday Ticket package in full "Crow" makeup, and Vic Morrow complains that, if only he hadn't chosen digital cable, he wouldn't be stuck in this blasted swamp with helicopters landing on him.

17. Minnesota Vikings (2-3). Just for the sake of the viewing audience, is there any way someone on the Vikings can make Brad Childress a playcalling headset that somehow covers his bald dome? That guy is shiny bald, bald bald, Kornheiser bald, Dr. Katz bald.

16. Indianapolis Colts (2-2). You know, if it were any other team than the Colts pulling these ridiculous wins out of nowhere, it might be tempting to get excited by them. Instead, it's "Christ, that's all freaking Manning needs is luck on his side." If the colts end up winning 12 games and coming together just in time to fly through the playoffs, I'm blaming you, Rosenfels.

15. Atlanta Falcons (3-2). Just a guess here, but I'm gonna wager that "Free Mike Vick" T-shirt is no longer part of Roddy White's sartorial rotation.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2). I find it discouraging that no one can even muster up any outrage about Frank Caliendo anymore. While flipping back and forth between the baseball playoffs and football over the weekend, I, like everybody else, realized that Frank Caliendo has taken over every television station. Last year, people were ready to storm TBS studios with pitchforks and signs with pictures of Darrell Hammond on them. Now? We just sit and take it, knowing that Frank Caliendo will never, ever, ever go away. This is what America thinks sports fans like, people. Christ, maybe they're right.

13. Baltimore Ravens (2-2). You know, there aren't any Baltimore Ravens fans out there who get angry because I never have anything to say about the Ravens, are there? Whew, good. So! Frank Caliendo! Here's my last rant on this. Look at that picture above. That is all the different faces of Frank Caliendo. That is to say: They all look like Frank Caliendo. Why in the world would any respond to a print or Web ad of Frank Caliendo doing impressions of famous people when you can't even hear him doing the famous people's voices? Frank Caliendo doesn't look like any of those people! Christ, I need to sit down.

12. New England Patriots (3-1). People always ask me how working so much online has changed my life. I didn't think it had until I was talking to Daulerio this weekend, and I think he summed up, quite succinctly, why doing so much online has turned me into an asshole.

Last week, a bunch of friends of mine, including the great Jim Cooke, hosted a party for Mammal Magazine, their new journal of genius. It's a really great magazine/journal/book/whatever, and I'm very proud and honored to know people talented enough to pull off such an endeavor. Unfortunately, I had plans the night of the launch party that I couldn't cancel, so even though Jim and all those guys have been coming to readings and parties of mine for years, I wasn't there. I felt bad about this, and when I was telling Daulerio about how guilty I was feeling, I said, "Maybe I'll give them a shoutout in the column this week." Daulerio looked at me and didn't have to say a word. The disgust was palpable.

Let's go over what I did:

a: Missed a party involving great friends of mine showing off their astounding achievement.
b: Felt superficially "bad" about it.
c: Didn't move heaven and earth to change my plans, even though I knew how important this was for my friends and how much they had earned it.
d: Decided, in order to "make it up to them," I'd give them a link in a column encouraging people to buy their work, as if this would possibly somehow be an equivalent gesture for which they would feel grateful.

Yeah: Working online turns you into an anti-social asshole. It happened so quickly that I barely noticed. My only saving grace is that they probably didn't want me to come anyway.

But still: Go buy it.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3). Hey, I'm not so economically depressed this week, people! That's good, right? Because things are so much better now! Anyway, a friend of mine pointed out this picture from a few weeks ago:

With the following caption: "Poor Lehman: All the news vans and staff milling around make it look like they're waiting for somebody to jump." I think we have a clear way out of this malaise: Laid off investment bankers battle to the death on pay-per-view, Running Man-style. Better than the fucking Hills, that's for goddamned sure.

10. Chicago Bears (3-2). Kyle Orton! Holy crap! He's actually good! (Against the Lions, anyway.) God, this is going to make for the best Wheaties box of all time.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3). So, Westbrook was around and moderately healthy, DeSean Jackson took back a punt return and a home crowd was in a great mood. And then that happened. The Eagles have gone from a chic Super Bowl pick to a last place team in, like, two weeks. They better win their next three.

8. Buffalo Bills (4-1). The odds that Kurt Warner ran to Trent Edwards after the game Sunday to help him out with his concussion (and pray for him, of course) are pretty high, I'd think. It's pretty amazing that an injury to the starting quarterback for the Bills might affect that division as much as Tom Brady's injury. So does a concussion to a Stanford quarterback drop him to the level of intelligence of, say, a Michigan State quarterback? Georgia, maybe?

7. Denver Broncos (4-1). In honor of my favorite Broncos fans, this week I point out that "South Park" returns with new episodes on Wednesday. I'm so relieved: I couldn't listen to the "Team America" soundtrack anymore. It appears the first episode is about China, and rape.

6. Carolina Panthers (4-1). Palin Watch! My favorite underreported story about the potential leader of the free world is that her husband is a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which encourages Alaska to secede from the union. (Alaska First!) I want the AIP to know that I support its cause and, therefore, encourage the state, indeed, to secede. This is the government equivalent to catching your child smoking and then forcing them to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1). Over the last 20 years, the Steelers have finished under .500 four times. My Buzzsaw? Seventeen times. So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for all the running back and Roethlisberger injuries.

4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1). One could make a convincing argument, while we're discussing the Buzzsaw, that this week's game at home against Dallas, before a bye week in the worst division in recent memory, is one of the top 10 most important games in franchise history. And there will STILL be more Cowboys fans there. No big deal for me: It's always like that at the sports bar.

3. Tennessee Titans (5-0). We're all glad Kerry Collins is doing better and is off the hooch, but forgive me if I can't help but reminding you of the best Kerry Collins story of all time. Back in training camp 1997, when he was with Carolina, he called Muhsin Muhammad the n-word, which (shockingly!) caused him to be punched in the face. Here are his thoughts on it today: ""That, to me, was the worst part of the whole thing I've experienced. The guys were talking to each other that way, and I was trying to be funny and thought I could do it, too. I was so upset by it. It was bad judgment. I could have been labeled a racist for the rest of my career. I had to live with the way I used that word with a teammate. Extremely poor judgment. I was naïve to think I could use that word in any context." God, isn't this the funniest mental movie ever? I think you'd need an actual record-needle-scratching noise, or maybe the WAA-WAHHHH sound they make when you lose on "The Price Is Right."

2. Washington Redskins (4-1). This is a fun, likable Redskins team that should probably be considered the best team in football right now. It still doesn't change the fact that with every win, Daniel Snyder gets a little happier, if not, alas, a little taller.

1. New York Giants (4-0). Their next two games are against Cleveland and San Francisco. I can only assume they get to play the Rams five or six more times this year too.

We're all fucked. Every single one of us. And if you think you're fucked, wait until your children grow up. In 25 years, this country is going to have six rich people, and the rest of us are going to be living in teepee, huts or igloos, depending on your local climate. (That is to say: Forget the igloos.) Eventually, we will all flee to Canada and other indigenous lands, much like the plot of the upcoming HBO series "Americatown." What's "Americatown" about?

Set 25-40 years into the future when the precipitous decline of the U.S. leads to a mass exodus of its citizens, "Americatown" takes place in a cluster of newly arrived American immigrants in a big foreign city.

I am reminded of the New York City blackout. My old boss, when the lights went out in our office, began running around, screaming, "This is how they do it! Al Qaeda shuts down our power grid and then attacks while we're defenseless." I kind of feel like that right now. Everything fun any of us have ever done is about to end; life's gonna turn into "Of Mice And Men," with Sarah Palin's child good-heartedly and accidentally crushing the skull of a lovely migrant worker. Whole world's comin' to an end, Mal. Might as well enjoy some football before it all implodes.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4). Interesting factoid I discovered this week: Ousted coach Scott Linehan is actually the brother-in-law of Jim Caviezel, last seen as the guy getting the shit beaten out of him, supposedly for our sins, though the movie never quite made that part clear. I have a feeling Linehan's going to have a similar career the rest of the way as Caviezel, last seen in Outlander, a direct-to-DVD "adventure epic." Here's the plot summary: "During the reign of the Vikings, Kainan (Caviezel), a man from a far-off world, crash lands on Earth, bringing with him an alien predator known as the Moorwen. Though both man and monster are seeking revenge for violence committed against them, Kainan leads the alliance to kill the Moorwen by fusing his advanced technology with the Viking's Iron Age weaponry." Shit, I'd watch that.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4). Carson Palmer reportedly wanted to play last week, but, you know, at this point, why? Get surgery right now, Carson, and miss the rest of the season. Even if you don't actually need it. Run for the hills.

30. Detroit Lions (0-3). The Lions went ahead and practiced yesterday, their first runthrough without Matt Millen as GM. Wouldn't it have been kind of awesome if, suddenly, all the players were five times more talented? Or if they could, like, fly? If the Lions go 13-0 the rest of the way, it will be the greatest sports story of all time. Maybe it'll be a ragtag bunch of scallywags who somehow claw their way to victory in amusing ways. Perhaps they'll sign a kicking mule.

29. Houston Texans (0-3). I agree with Daulerio's post yesterday: No one would have mentioned Matt Bryant at all if he had missed three field goals, though it's not like he's any happier now that he hit three. That is to say: The NFL has absolutely nothing to do with family tragedy, whether it's a player's or yours. Did anyone think to ask Kris Brown if he's had any tragedies in his life? Because he has.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-3). So, when Crazy Al eventually does fire Lane Kiffin, who's the first team to hire him? Doesn't he have to go to the top tier of coaching candidates now? In true Simmons fashion, I've been trying to come up with an analogy for the practice of taking a job coaching for Al Davis, knowing that you'll be fired eventually even if you do a good job, all just to promote yourself down the line? I'd guess it'd be like signing up to be Lehman Brothers' PR person right now.

27. Cleveland Browns (1-3). The Browns are set to lose their next six games, which means this is probably as high as they'll be the rest of the year (and considering they just dropped a spot by winning, that's probably a safe bet), and that we're getting Brady Quinn really soon. Just for old times sake, I think someone should station a camera on him the entire time he's waiting to enter the game, watching him grow more uncomfortable until he finally just leaves.

26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3). Larry Johnson is still alive! Jason Whitlock and this site have had some disagreements over the years, but I consider it a quite victory that he's now writing in the first person plural.

25. San Francisco 49ers (2-2). I was in San Francisco for about 48 hours over the weekend — sorry I didn't call, Chandler; no time! Love you! Miss you! So glad Daulerio's actually, you know, letting you do work — and ran into the Folson Street Fair. Boy, do those Californians know how to tailgate!

By the way, something I just noticed: STEVE GUTTENBERG IS WEARING A DARRELL PORTER JERSEY IN THAT CLIP! HOLY CRAP! I do love me some Darrell Porter

24. Atlanta Falcons (2-2). Matt Ryan still has a while to go to become the world's most famous Matt Ryan.

23. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (2-2). I was stuck on a JetBlue flight Sunday, flipping back and forth between this game and the Mets' final implosion. No matter what happens — and you know this already — whoever wins the NFC West might be the worst division champion of the last 25 years. And you know what? If it means the Buzzsaw sneaking in, that's fine.

22. Seattle Seahawks (1-2). See above.

21. Miami Dolphins (1-2). Because the NFL is helplessly screwed up — how will they do a 32-team 8-8 tiebreaker, anyway? — I have no doubt that Dolphins will smoke the Chargers this weekend, thanks to Ronnie Brown's four touchdown passes, two from each hand.

20. New York Jets (2-2). It's worth noting that had the Buzzsaw stayed upright in this game, they might have actually come back. Bad sign. That said, the Jets could win their next three, and then some. And of course Favre is cheering that Aaron Rodgers is hurt. Did you have any doubt?

19. Minnesota Vikings (1-3). It has come to this: Vikings fans breathed a huge sigh of relief when Gus Frerotte's hand turned out to be OK. Whew!

18. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). The whole Colts season is going to come down to this week against Houston; if they lose on the road, they'll be 1-3 with games against the Ravens, Packers, Titans, Patriots and Steelers coming up. I was going to try to find a goofy picture of Peyton Manning to add to this paragraph, but every photograph of Peyton Manning looks exactly the same, even if he's wearing a mustache.

17. New England Patriots (2-1). All told, the Patriots (and Jets ... and Bills ... and Dolphins ...) are rather fortunate to have the NFC West as their oppo division this year. Theoretically speaking, that's four wins, right there. Add that to the Jets and Chiefs game they've already won, we're looking at a minimum of six wins here. Of course, the way the NFL is now, they could just as easily run the table.

16. Green Bay Packers (2-2). If Aaron Rodgers is unable to play Sunday, it'll be Matt Flynn, not Brian Brohm, as the starting quarterback. What a drop, man: Two years ago, Pro Football Prospectus was calling its prediction on which team would have the worst record in the NFL the "Brohm Watch." Now he can't even beat out a guy picked in the seventh round. But hey: Those Packers coaches know quarterbacks better than the rest of us.

15. Chicago Bears (2-2). Without looking at the schedule, without even knowing who's going to play where and when, I can confidently predict that the Bears are going 8-8 this year. And Sunday night proves what we've always known about Kyle Orton: The man is at his BEST when under the biggest spotlight.

14. New Orleans Saints (2-2) I don't know what this says about the fanbase, but the only two Saints fans I know are avid Tumblr impresarios Alex Balk and Cajun Boy. Actually, it doesn't say anything, which is about as much as I have to say about the Saints this week. See? This ranking thing always gives you your money's worth.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1). Tampa remains my blind spot, as well as many of yours, because their level of performance seems diametrically opposite to their talent level. But forget them: Springsteen's playing at the Super Bowl! Yes, yes, I know: My Springsteen love is not always appreciated here. But here's hoping that he ignores all requests and plays nothing but songs about poverty, racial strife and tragedy. It'll go well with the acoustic set, which he'll have to do, considering, by then, no one will have enough money to afford the amps.

12. Baltimore Ravens (2-1). As usual, I don't have anything to say about the Baltimore Ravens. So! Paul Newman! As sad as anyone over here, particularly because "Slap Shot" is the most I've ever cared about hockey. Honestly, that movie's so good, and so scrappy, that it's no wonder Newman made it. (It probably seemed like an odd choice for him before they started filming.) In Newman's honor, I am now eating 50 eggs. By the way, Roger Ebert has been running a rather outstanding retrospective of Newman; here's a feature Ebert wrote years ago.

11. San Diego Chargers (2-2). I don't know about you, but I still have a sense this team is poorly coached and underperforming. JUST A HUNCH.

10. Denver Broncos (3-1). While in San Francisco, I was flipping to the NFL Network, because my sister does not live in New York City and can therefore watch the NFL Network. (Grrrrr.) They were showing that Monday Night game when Joe Montana led the Chiefs to a game-winning drive over the Broncos. I had completely forgotten that Dan Dierdorf had once done "MNF." Wow. At least he hasn't fallen as far as Dan Fouts, who I think is actually serving as a bellboy at Dierdorf and Hart's.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2). For a team that supposedly turned a corner last week, they sure did have a lot of trouble sneaking by a winless Texans team. They could very well lose their next two, as well. By the way, here's what life is like in a "major" "metropolitan" newsroom

8. Carolina Panthers (3-1). I have decided the new tradition is talking about Sarah Palin every time the Panthers come up. At this point, it's clear that as long as she doesn't show up at the debate this Thursday wearing a fish on her head (always a real possibility) and speaking in tongues, she's going to "exceed expectations." It reminds me a little of when Mariah Carey — who had spent the last year desperately hanging on to her sanity — performed at the 9/11 special. (You know, the one where Fred Durst sang "Wish You Were Here." Who invited him to that, anyway?) She didn't break down and start clawing out chunks of her stomach, so no matter how it went after that, she was just fine. That's all Sarah Palin has to do: Come across as a human being capable of completing a sentence. It's 50-50, I'd say.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2). Westbrook or not, I'm concerned, and if I could pry him away from his Mitch Williams blow-up doll, I'd bet Daulerio is too.

6. Washington Redskins (3-1). I know, it's not fair to keep them below the Cowboys after winning on the road and having the same record, but like you're reading this for actual analysis anyway. (Hahahaha, just kidding: I know you're not still reading.) But if you watched that first game of the season and thought, "Man, Jim Zorn's gonna prove himself a genius," you're clearly KOGOD.

5. Buffalo Bills (4-0). Awfully shaky against the worst team in organized sport, if they didn't play the Buzzsaw this week, they might be concerned. Looking at the economy right now, I think the odds are good that, in December, there will be more people at a Bills game that actually live in the city of Buffalo.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1). Let's pour a 40 out for Rashard Mendenhall, the star Illini running back who fractured his shoulder (ouch) last night and will miss the rest of the season. If Mewelde Moore stubs his toe this week, the Steelers are absolutely signing Barry Foster again.

3. Dallas Cowboys (3-1). Yep, you're seeing it too: The impending Terrell Owens explosion is starting to come in focus now, isn't it? Oh, and for the record: None of us have forgotten about the porn film, T.O. You didn't bury that around these parts, nope.

2. Tennessee Titans (4-0). You know, if Vince Young would come out from under the bed, he might find his team is awfully fun to watch. Maybe we can lure him out with some cheese.

1. New York Giants (3-0). Merely by outlasting everybody else (thanks largely to a bye week), the defending champs are at the top of the rankings. Hey, I had no choice: Who wants Plaxico Burress beating their ass?

Anyway, you'll eventually end up hearing a lot more about this game, down the line — and aren't you ecstatic about that? — but because this is the final week until the baseball playoffs start, I'm gonna stick to the NFL. Because, this week, it's something that will make people in Chicago miserable. And they could use some of that.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-3). Fantastic stat from the invaluable St. Louis Post-Dispatch: The Rams didn't reach their opponent's 20-yard line until their 119th play of the season. Earlier in their loss to the Seahawks, they recovered a fumble at the Seattle 23. Three plays later, it was fourth-and-12. And you know what? I still have a fear they'll sweep the Buzzsaw.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3). In lighter times at Arrowhead, Larry Johnson used to make fun of Herman Edwards in press conferences.

At this point, Larry-Johnson-as-Herman-Edwards has to be considered a legitimate candidate to coach the team, doesn't he? I hadn't realized the Chiefs had actually lost 12 in a row. Their next winnable game looks to be Thanksgiving weekend.

30. Detroit Lions (0-3). It has been since 2001 — 2001! — that Matt Millen has been in charge of the Lions. Therefore, it's easy to forget that, back before this destruction all started, he was, in fact, a rather awesome NFL analyst. Weird, right? It seems odd to think that Matt Millen was ever competent at anything. I keep imagining him walking into doors, or peeing in the sink, or putting his pants on backwards.

29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3). I have found that Cincinnatians (Cincinnatities? Cincinnatiarians?) tend to find it frustrating that the rest of the country mostly just knows them for Pete Rose, racial strife and "WKRP In Cincinnati." I agree that the brilliance of WKRP doesn't make up for the ugliness of the first two ... but man, it's closer than you'd think. I caught WKRP on a rerun while trying not to sleep the other night, and, dammit, that show was funnier than I remembered. That Gary Sandy, too ... what a hunk!

28. Oakland Raiders (1-2). I know it's all settled now, but wouldn't it have been great if Lane Kiffin had just kept winning, like, 10 in a row? Al Davis clearly was going to fire him after his next loss — because Al Davis is fucking insane — and I don't doubt that he would have done it even if the team were 11-1. I hope he never dies. Promise me he'll never die.

27. Houston Texans (0-2). I'm writing this from a suburban Starbucks in Lisle, Illinois, and I have decided that the people who hang out in a Lisle, Illinois Starbucks at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday are the human equivalent of the Houston Texans. Except I can easily ignore the Houston Texans.

26. Cleveland Browns (0-3). I don't think there's ever been an easier preseason pick for Team Everyone Will Grumble About Having To Watch On National Television In November than the Browns. The good news is that Brady is coming soon. By the way, remember that ESPN Magazine piece about how Braylon Edwards was branching out to become a multimedia star? That hasn't quite worked out, even though I see him on my Yahoo fantasy page every day, doing his thing, popping in every once in a while to say, "Most definitely" while our world descends into chaos.

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-2). I swear to God, if this boring, sloppy, uninspiring team ends up sneaking into an NFC West division win again — and I'm pretty sure they will — I'm only watching the WNBA this January. Wait: Does the WNBA play in January? Oh, here's a fun tidbit I learned while reading Athlon's NBA Preview on the plane yesterday: JaVale McGee, the Washington Wizards' first round pick this year, is the son of a former WNBA player. I can't believe I didn't know this. This news stuns me in about 13 different ways.

24. New York Jets (1-2). So, have we decided yet which modern-day aging rock band equivalent this is? An Aerosmith tour? Sex Pistols? Metallica? I tend to think it's kind of like a Smoking Popes reunion. Sure, Favre looks (sounds) pretty much like he used to, but somehow diluted, tired, uninspired, in a way that makes you question his earlier work. But still: It's better than the band being broken up.

23. San Francisco 49ers (2-1). After my "controversial" piece for NY Mag about why the Olympics are sports for people who don't like sports, I have a bunch of people ask me, "OK, wise guy, what does make a real sports fan?" I have no idea, of course, but here's a sign you're not one: If you watched the Emmys the other night.

22. Miami Dolphins (1-2). I had a lot of fun the other day trying to convince a friend of mine that Ronnie Brown was not left handed, making his touchdown toss that much more impressive. I don't know I found this funny; I never even let him in on the "joke." I'm now convinced Leinart should switch to his right hand, though. Can't hurt.

21. Chicago Bears (1-2). Now that the Bears have lost two crushing games in a row, I think Bears fans could use a pickmeup.

Freeze!

20. Atlanta Falcons (2-1). Matt Ryan has the team off to such a nice start that I'm pretty sure he's gonna sign with a European team in the next couple of weeks. It makes sense: I think one Euro is worth about $45,000 right now.

19. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (2-1). A friend of mine, who has never had any particular connection to any NFL team, has decided to follow the Buzzsaw this year because he "likes Kurt Warner." I tried to warn him, but to no avail. We get the Jets in East Rutherford this weekend. Either we're gonna finish the easiest part of our schedule 2-2 — and therefore be doomed — or every Jets fan is absolutely going to freak out next week. Losing at home to us is always good for opposing fans' existential crisis.

18. New Orleans Saints (1-2). This is probably a little low, actually. I was thinking of Spike Lee's Katrina documentary the other day, how it started a career resurgence for him that apparently is going to end with the lamentably poorly reviewed "The Miracle At St. Anna." Did anybody else notice him in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium the other night? It's nice to know Spike has a StubHub account.

17. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). Boy, I sure can't wait until the Patriots-Colts game this year, can you? John Madden is going to sound so depressed.

16. New England Patriots (2-1). I know, it's already been played to death pretty much everywhere, but I will never, ever tire of Bill Belichick's "we were competitive in the kicking game" quote. The craziest thing is that it's probably the best compliment Belichick has ever given his team.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1). Brian Griese threw 68 passes Sunday. Brian Griese! 68! It's third-most all time in a single game. So you'd think Brian Griese would be the last person who would go so nuts. But look at the other people who have thrown 68 passes in a game: Drew Bledsoe, Vinny Testaverde, George Blanda and Jon Kitna. That's not THAT far off, is it? The college football record, by the way, is Drew Brees' 83 passes, on my 23rd birthday. And his mom is still not impressed.

14. Minnesota Vikings (1-2). You'd have to think that by now, even if Gus Frerotte ends up getting hurt (and no idea how that might happen), Tavaris Jackson won't be quarterbacking this team anymore. The other backup is John David Booty, who I hope ends up starting, so he become the third USC quarterback with a lead job in the NFL who isn't Matt Leinart.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-2). Couldn't possibly agree with Drew more: I am really going to have to watch Philip Rivers — THAT guy? — become one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL over the next few years? I'm trying to think of a less likable quarterback, and the best I can come up with is the heyday of Kerry Collins. Who, of course, everybody kind of likes now.

12. Washington Redskins (2-1)). I think it's funny when people still have active MySpace pages; not to sound like a social networking nerd here, but seriously, uh, unless you're a struggling band or a practicing prostitute, I can't fathom why anyone wouldn't use Facebook at this point. (Or Friendster, of course.) Anyway, while searching for Jason Campbell, I found his team-sponsored MySpace page, which even they have abandoned at this point. But hey, he's friends with Joe Gibbs. I still miss the tubby Joe Gibbs.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2). I'm feeling more confident about my Super Bowl pick, though the schedule still isn't getting any easier. My favorite story of the Jack Del Rio era is still when his punter cut his leg with the motivational axe. You really can't trust punters around shiny objects.

10. Carolina Panthers (2-1). Honestly, the Panthers' schedule is ridiculous. I am outraged about this — outraged! — but not nearly as outraged as the brilliant and psychologically fascinating Andrew Sullivan is about Sarah Palin. Still. Andrew Sullivan is one of the best political minds working right now, and Gov. Palin has reduced him to a sputtering fountain of empty, wonderfully entertaining fury. He actually responded to news that the VP debate would not have a "loose format" because the McCain campaign worried it would "leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive" by saying, simply, "Are you fucking kidding me?" If President Palin ends up starting World War III in a couple of years because she saw an image of Christ in a yoga mat during a Pilates class, Andrew Sullivan is going to be one satisfied piece of nuclear vaporized particles.

9. Baltimore Ravens (2-0). Speaking of politics — because I never, ever have anything to say about the Ravens — the Presidential debates begin Friday, in Oxford, Miss., home of William Faulkner, John Grisham, Joey Lauren Adams and Wright Thompson. I really quite love Wright Thompson's stuff at ESPN — and what he did for Genarlow Wilson will outlast just about anything anyone's ever done a blog, and his Yankee Stadium piece this week was so much better than it had any right to be — but I kind of think his Wikipedia page might be self-hosted. It contains the line, "Thompson started his sportswriting career while a student at the University of Missouri, covering Missouri sports and writing as a columnist for the School of Journalism's Columbia Missourian. He loved digging into Spaghetti Red at the late, great Nichols Lunch." Of course, mine includes a reference to Catch, which I'm pretty sure no one has ever, ever read. Anyway, there's a debate Friday.

8. Green Bay Packers (2-1). While we're discussing ESPN writers, I just finished Chuck Klosterman's Downtown Owl, and it's pretty great. If you're one of those people who don't like Klosterman — and there are more of you out there than I ever would have thought — it's so unlike his earlier work that you might even enjoy it, if you give it a chance. As someone who knows that feeling of growing up in a small town, being vaguely depressed for absolutely no reason at all and feeling pretty certain that every day is both the most important day of your life and totally meaningless ... well, the book was right in my strike zone. (Klosterman is a Packers fan, by the way, which is why this is here.)

7. Tennessee Titans (3-0). Just to piss off Iracane, I'm going to talk about my keeper league fantasy team. It's the same league I've been in since I was a freshman in college, and you keep 14 guys a year. That is to say: If you draft someone, they're pretty much yours for live. This year, I ended up with Chris Johnson, Eddie Royal and Tim Hightower. And I'll still probably finish in last for the next decade.

6. Buffalo Bills (3-0). It's becoming clear that the Bills are going to still be undefeated when they come to the Pink Taco in a couple of weeks. I had no idea everyone in Chicago hated Dick Jauron, by the way.

5. Denver Broncos (3-0). Do you realize that there's a possibility Jay Mariotti might take over Woody Paige's old spot at the Denver Post? Or will it be in New York? Pittsburgh? (My money's on Pittsburgh, or Yahoo.) Rick's absolutely right: Beware, American, he could be coming to YOUR TOWN NEXT.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1). During the Steelers' final "drive," I was actively disappointed not to see the Steelers' offensive line carrying Byron Leftwich down the field, like in that famous Marshall game. What seemed heroic at the time now simply looks like nice men carrying the broken old man down the field. He's like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. It's like they were Segways.

3. New York Giants (3-0). I hope everybody likes the NFC East, because they have the best three teams in football right now. The Giants have a bye week this week, which is sad, because that means it won't be the same time as the Jets'. That never happens. It's a shame: For one weekend, it would be nice for New Yorkers to have the same NFL Sunday entertainment options as Los Angelenos.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1). I have to say, Deadspin readers, you really need to start cheering for the Phillies to collapse. Can you imagine what it's going to look like around here if the Phillies are in the playoffs and the Eagles remain one of the best teams in football? You thought I was bad in October 2006? This site is going to come equipped with splash guards.

1. Dallas Cowboys (3-0). I recommend everyone check out the oddly mesmerizing Orwell Diaries Blog. I think Orwell would have been a great sports blogger. He would have enjoyed "Hard Knocks," I suspect.

He'll be missed. In his honor, I plan to, once again, crack open Infinite Jest, make it about 15 pages in, then give up (again) and start reading that copy of Star (again).

Time to hop into rankings land.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-2). So here's a great bit from Bernie Miklasz in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: It turns out that, an hour after the Rams' second-consecutive immolation, team employees had to host a remembrance of Georgia Frontiere. They actually scheduled that after a game? Can you imagine losing by 28 points at home and then having to schmooze with relatives of your late owner? God. The Rams are now the football equivalent of the Edward Jones Dome.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2). If the Bengals don't sneak past the Browns in a couple of weeks, they are in serious danger of starting the season 0-15. Seriously: Look at the schedule.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2). Fun fact about Tyler Thigpen, that weird name that kept popping up on the CBS scrawl Sunday: He is not only the best quarterback in Coastal Carolina history ... he's the first quarterback in Coastal Carolina history. (They just started football in 2003.) The Chanticleers are a freaking quarterback factory.

29. Detroit Lions (0-2). Speaking of local columnists, here's Mitch Albom on the Lions last week: "Honestly, this franchise should rename itself 'Disneyland.' It guarantees a magical time." Not to oversell this, but I think Morrie's corpse just shot itself in the head.

28. Miami Dolphins (0-2). Every time CBS would show Johnny Depp during the Dolphins-Buzzsaw game on Sunday, they would refer to him as "an avid Miami Dolphins supporter." I highly, highly doubt Johnny Depp is a football fan. I mean, the guy owns a vineyard in France. He probably thought he was at a Dogstar show.

27. Seattle Seahawks (0-2). I haven't had the heart to check in with Ufford about what's happening to this team. Well, at least the Mariners are good.

26. Oakland Raiders (1-1). I'd like to take this moment to congratulate Sebastian Janikowski on his graduation to the top tier of NFL kickers. He's come a long way from his days as a date rape drug obsessive. Good for him!

25. San Francisco 49ers (1-1) . There are three NFC West teams among the eight worst teams in the NFL. And I still don't think the Buzzsaw is winning this division.

24. Houston Texans (0-1). I don't know about you, but I had three different people in the fantasy league I run send me indignant emails about the Ravens-Texans game being canceled. Guys, seriously: It's a Yahoo league. And I'm just the guy who sent you the invite and set the draft date. I am not Roger Goodell. If I were Roger Goodell, I would suspend you.

23. New York Jets (1-1). It seemed so weird, still, to have Brett Favre playing for a team other than the Packers until his dead duck interception yesterday. It was like hearing Keith Richards pound out the "Satisfaction" riff for the millionth time, wasn't it?

22. Cleveland Browns (0-2). I couldn't quite tell from CBS' feed, but I think I caught gyrating on the sidelines in anticipation of taking over the starting job here in a couple of weeks. Ultimately, grinding against Romeo Crennel might have been a bit much.

21. Atlanta Falcons (1-1). Matt Ryan has a marketing deal with Nike. Did you realize this? You would think these guys would have learned their lesson with Falcons quarterbacks. By the way, Vick's coming up to the end of his first year in jail. He's almost halfway there!

20. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2). I am absolutely not telling you who I picked to the win the Super Bowl this year.

19. Washington Redskins (1-1). You know what? Screw off, Daulerio. I know I wanted to see Chris Cooley's "accidental" penis. Who's with me?

18. Baltimore Ravens (1-0). Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo called this scenario "the worst bye week in bye-week history," after Hurricane Ike "MADE YOU, TINA!" pounded Texas this week. I would like to disagree; any week that I don't have to watch the Baltimore Ravens is a perfectly fine bye week.

17. Minnesota Vikings (0-2). Absolutely no excuse for them to lose that game. I didn't have the heart to ask Drew how he was handling it. By the way, I'm proud to note that I have read Men With Balls, and I'm not giving away too much to say that Chris Cooley's penis is featured on 14 different pages. Hope you're ready for the angry text messages, Drew.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1). Funniest sentence on Brian Griese's Wikipedia page: "On March 21, 2006, he signed a five year contract with the Chicago Bears." Ha. Hahahahahaha. Did you know that Brian Griese played in a Pro Bowl? Seriously.

15. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (2-0). Nope. Not buying it.

14. Chicago Bears (1-1). Every single Bears game this season is going to be won or lost in the final two minutes. This theoretically makes them the most exciting team in the NFL. Practically speaking, it does not quite play that way.

13. New Orleans Saints (1-1). How out of it am I? Watching the Redskins-Saints game on Sunday, a friend of mine said, "Man, it seems strange that Reggie Bush would still be having sex with Kim Kardashian." And I said, "Who?" Honestly, I'd never once heard the name "Kim Kardashian" in my entire life. I am still not quite sure what this Kim Kardashian does. Wasn't that one of OJ's lawyers? I need to watch more television, I think.

12. San Diego Chargers (0-2). Yes, yes, the bad whistle call was a mistake. But honestly, now: Does the win over the Colts in the playoffs really protect Norv Turner THAT much? I mean, the Chargers are 0-2! That team! 0-2! I'm kind of hoping Norv challenges Ed Hochuli to a fight.

11. Carolina Panthers (2-0). Last May, Steve Smith announced he was working as an intern in a Morgan Stanley office in Charlotte. So, in other words, his suspension is ending just in time.

10. Tennessee Titans (2-0). I know we haven't heard from Kige "Host/Executive producer/set designer/camera operator/writer" Ramsey in a while, but christ, he's gotta be losing his mind right now, right?

9. Indianapolis Colts (1-1). When the Colts came back to win Sunday, I attempted to guess what Peter King was going to write about Peyton Manning in MMQB. I came up with, "Peyton simply WOULD NOT LET HIS TEAM LOSE." I was close.

8. Denver Broncos (2-0). I never tire of remind everyone of the real Jay Cutler.

7. Green Bay Packers (2-0). Speaking of Peter King: "Aaron Rodgers throws with more velocity now than Favre does." You SLUT! That said, we do get some local color: "Brett's a little more loose in there. You know, not that Aaron's tight; he's fine. But Brett was passing gas in the huddle.'' Sometimes it must suck to play in the NFL.

6. Buffalo Bills (2-0). Wait until that inspiring moment, halfway through the season, when Luke Russert carries Kevin Everett to the 50-yard line, and then inhales a Beef On Weck. Not a dry eye, I tell you.

5. New England Patriots (2-0). I love how Randy Moss was all, "Yeah, you forgot about us, fuckers!" after the Jets win, playing the idiotic "respect" card. Dude, you caught two passes for 22 yards. No reason to go running over any cops or anything. By the way, when researching Moss' famous "bumping" of the cop car, I came across this column from Sean Salisbury about Randy Moss. Signature line: "Randy Moss' arrest not only shows a continuing lack of maturity, but also a lack of accountability among athletes in general. At times many athletes think the world revolves around them — they are first and everyone else is second." So true, Sean. That man knows how to be accountable.

4. New York Giants (2-0). Watching Eli Manning "improvise" by throwing with his left hand Sunday was like watching your two year old pop his first wheelie on his bike. It's cute and all, and you're kind of proud of him ... but let's never, ever see that again. Listening to Eli talk, actually, inspires something similar.

3. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1). This month, The Atlantic Monthly has a great story about watching film of the 1958 NFL Championship game with Eagles coach Andy Reid. It's a compelling piece, full of fun detail about Reid, who seems to enjoy football more than everything else in the world combined. Which is good, because the world of football would not benefit from a raging heroin addiction.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0). Sunday's night game was proof that, when played in 60 miles-per-hour winds, football is an excruciatingly boring game.

1. Dallas Cowboys (2-0). It's pretty amazing how Terrell Owens has remained an elite player, even into his mid-thirties. It speaks to his conditioning and his devotion. But is it just me, or is his face starting to look stranger as he gets older? It's like his head is flattening out and widening. I'm not sure what's going on there.

I'm calling this the Buzzsaw countdown because I've spent the last 20 years of my life reading power polls and scrolling down forever to find my beloved Arizona Cardinals. I was always pleasantly surprised when they weren't last. To save fellow fans of perpetually struggling teams, I'm starting from the bottom and heading down. Or up. Or whatever direction that would be.

I hope this list blows your freaking mind.

32. Oakland Raiders (0-1). They have to bring back Art Shell soon, right? The more and more I look at him, doesn't Jamarcus Russell have the feel of a guy who's gonna look just like Art Shell in 20 years?

31. St. Louis Rams (0-1). The above picture, from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, pretty much sums up how Sunday went for the Rams. Scott Linehan is the new Wayne Fontes; I hope they never fire him.

30. Detroit Lions (0-1). There will never be a better metaphor for life as a Detroit Lions fan than the coach who goes through drive throughs with no pants.. At least Jon Kitna had a sense of humor about it.

29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1). My favorite part of Peter King's column this week? His revelation that "Ocho Cinco" actually means "Eight Five" in Spanish, rather than "Eighty Five." I love it when journalists discover the Babelfish translator.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1). You know, if the Chiefs can figure out a way to have the opposing quarterback leave in the first half of the first quarter every game this season, they've got a chance to go 6-10.

27. San Francisco 49ers (0-1). I watched this whole game (of course), and I can say that J.T. O'Sullivan isn't actually that bad. What do you think is going to happen when Mike Martz is (inevitably) fired from this job? How's he going to find a way to be captured by the camera on the sidelines, looking all sinister? I think it's the only thing keeping him alive at this point.

26. Miami Dolphins (0-1). You wouldn't know it from every paper in this stupid city I live in, but the Jets almost lost this game. It sure is nice having Joey Porter still around, isn't it?

25. Seattle Seahawks (0-1). I'm pretty sure that this is the lowest they'll be all season, but man, seriously: If the Buzzsaw can't win the NFC West this season, they're never, ever winning the NFC West.

24. Washington Redskins (0-1). Anybody else get an immediate, and overpowering, Charlie Weis vibe from watching Jim Zorn the other night? I felt like I was watching another guy realizing that being a head coach is a lot freaking harder than he'd thought.

23. Houston Texans (0-1). I kind of love that Ahman Green is being used as a change-of-pace back. He's a perfect change-of-pace guy, considering the other running backs are actually upright and moving forward.

22. Cleveland Browns (0-1). OK, so the Cowboys looked awesome, but it sure is cloudy in Cleveland right now, isn't it? It's like everyone forgot that they didn't, actually, make the playoffs last year.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1). Couldn't agree with Clay more: Chris Simms is a hot commodity now? Really? Maybe everyone just wants him to get another tattoo.

20. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (1-0). Nope. Not buying it.

19. Baltimore Ravens (1-0). I guarantee you Joe Flacco will never, ever run that far for a touchdown the rest of his career. Flacco. Flacco!

18. New York Jets (1-0). You know, imagine if Favre would have just waited a few weeks to demand that trade. Think Belichick would have signed him? And would you ever, ever be able to watch ESPN afterwards?

17. Denver Broncos (1-0). I don't think there's a more boring storyline in the NFL than Mike Shanahan's "revenge" against Al Davis for reneging on a contract. People don't care about player contracts; now they're supposed to care about a coach? By the way, and I feel a little bad admitting this, but I actually didn't hate Mike and Mike as broadcasters. Shoot me in the face. Oh, and in case you missed Sussman's live blog last night:

16. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1). OK, so I thought this was supposed to be the Jaguars' year? Or was that last year? It's all so difficult to keep up with.

15. Atlanta Falcons (1-0). The last couple of years, Kevin Jones has been the bane of the Football Outsiders' crew's existence. After yesterday's performance, and after reading their Pro Football Reference guide, I wonder if it'll be Michael Turner now.

14. Minnesota Vikings (0-1). I know the first half was scary, but Tavaris Jackson looked like, eventually, during a season when the Vikings aren't hoping to legitimately contend, be a halfway decent quarterback. So that's a start.

13. Tennessee Titans (1-0). So, which embarrassingly photographed Titans quarterback do you like more? This one or this one? I'll go with the latter.

12. San Diego Chargers (0-1). Because everyone's feeling nice, this loss is being classified as a fluke. But coffee's on, Norv.

11. Carolina Panthers (1-0). I'm going to a Panthers game later this year, and I was looking at their schedule to pick one. I have a wedding to go to when they play the Buzzsaw, so that one's out. I realized that the Panthers have an absolutely awful home schedule this year. Sorry, Charlotte residents: Still nothing to do there.

10. Indianapolis Colts (0-1). That didn't really happen, right? By the way, that stadium looks to be the most boring new NFL stadium to open since ... well, since every other NFL stadium.

9. New Orleans Saints (1-0). Here's a bet that if anyone asks Reggie Bush about Matt Cassel, his old USC teammate, Reggie has no idea who he is.

8. Chicago Bears (1-0). I've surveyed every Bears fan I know, and none of them have the slightest clue of what the hell was going on Sunday night. I hope they taped it. By the way, I was looking at some Deadspin referring pages stats this morning — I can do this now that I don't work here — and "Kyle Orton" is coming up a BUNCH.

Oh yeah.

7. Green Bay Packers (1-0). You know, having a game where Aaron Rodgers scores the winning touchdown and then does the Lambeau Leap, on "Monday Night Football," is honestly just doing ESPN too many favors.

6. Buffalo Bills (1-0). I've been spending a lot more time in Buffalo than I would have thought I would, so I've been following these closer than I might otherwise. I am excited, and not just because every person I talk to in Buffalo says, "We're a dying city. WE NEED THE BILLS!" Yeah, well, they say the same thing in St. Louis, and we don't get any sympathy about it either.

5. New England Patriots (1-0). Can't drop them until they actually lose. I bet Matt Cassell has sent some very amusing text messages to Matt Leinart this week, asking the bench player to pick up some towels, or grab him a water or something.

4. New York Giants (1-0). At this point, I remind you that Brandon Jacobs went to Southern Illinois. Go Salukis!

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0). It's hard to root for my Illini Rashard Mendenhall when he's never getting off the bench. Remember when Willie Parker just came out of nowhere, when every fantasy player thought he was just starting that first game of the season? Well.

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0). You know, it's fitting that Terrell Owens would choose to impersonate the one sports Americans weren't watching during the Olympics. It would have been fun to watch him do the breaststroke.

1. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0). I would highly recommend not standing directly in front of Daulerio and saying the words "DeSean Jackson." Trust me.