Blount only got nine carries last night—probably because he missed 10 games this season after punching Boise State's Byron Hout on opening night—but his 12-yard TD was a huge moment in the Ducks comeback win over Oregon State, in his final home game. Now he's literally being lauded with roses. That's quite a year.

I think maybe that Blount has it figured out. Why destroy your body for 12 grueling games, when you can get yourself suspended, show up to rescue your team at the last possible moment, still get to play in the Rose Bowl, and save your knee ligaments for the NFL Combine. He's crazy, all right. Crazy like a duck.

Let's watch that punch again, huh? Just for old time's sake....

Honorable Mention: Adrian Peterson, for proving that his BMW can travel 109 m.p.h. Yes, he was in a 55-m.p.h. zone, but his car his made out of that Nike snake skin stuff, so he was protected.

While aimlessly wandering the streets of New York the other day, I spotted a very large package that was left unattended on the corner of 34th St. and Seventh Ave. Naturally, I notified police ("if you see something, say something!"), but they didn't seem too concerned. It's just a four-story high football player from another city with bad skin and a tasteful bulge. Nothing to be alarmed about.

As long as he protects us from Cloverfield monsters, I guess we can live with it.

Update: A reader wrote into say that that's actually the Giants' Justin Tuck. Which would make more sense I suppose, but honestly I can't tell. They all look alike.

Crotches, I mean.

* * * * *

Oh, Fridays. You frustrate us with more and more work, yet we can't start the weekend without you. You're such a devil goddess. Anyway, here we go.

Yes, yes. He did it. Kid out there. Just loves the game. Vintage. Classic. Like old times, etc. We got it. Brett Favre is not an incompetent football player. Of course, neither is Aaron Rodgers. If only Favre hadn't personally sacked him 14 times, the Packers just might have pulled it off. Maybe next time.

But what does the internet think?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

My favorite part of last night, though, was when Mike Tirico could not stop raving about Adrian Peterson's handshake ("the strongest hands you'll ever find") while simultaneous having to admit that "All Day" fumbles more than any other running back in the league. You could almost hear his brain grind to a halt as he tried to reconcile those two ideas. I guess a football is slightly larger than Mike Tirico's hand. (But not as silky smooth!)

* * * * *

Anyway, that's the end of the Favre talk (from me anyway), but it's just the beginning of our Tuesday. Let's do it.

You've seen the Nike ad roughly 50,000 times now. Adrian Peterson: filmed in ethereal, portrait-perfect black and white, hands on his knees, waiting for the snap of the ball as fat snowflakes waft about him, fluttering down onto the muddy field where he's playing. He's not wearing a Vikings uniform. His uniform is generic, though his helmet is not. He could be any player on any team, and that's the point. Because Adrian Peterson's style of running needs no surrounding context to be admired. At the snap of the ball, he is his own dramatic arc: anticipation, action, conflict, violence, triumph. All in a mere 60 yards or so. When he retires inside after the game, he sits at his locker, his skin covered in embossed, hexagonal scaling. And he turns to the camera and gives you the same look an invading alien would before clawing out your insides.

It's fitting that Purple Jesus is the spokesman for Nike Pro Combat, because "combat" is the precise word for how he engages would-be defenders. Few runners are as violent (Earl Campbell, Ottis Anderson, and young Larry Johnson come to mind). Few runners are as downright DRAMATIC. Technically, DeAngelo Williams had a better year than Peterson last year (less yards, but more TD's, better yards per carry, and no fumbles compared to Peterson's nine of them). But Peterson runs with a primal intensity that no one else can match. There may not be another runner ever who has displayed such violent desperation to move the ball FORWARD as Peterson. He never dances. He rarely doubles back. Every cut, every twist, every juke – Peterson does all of things while always relentlessly going forward. It's what makes him not only the best running back in football, but the most popular one as well. It's also the reason he probably isn't going to be around much longer.

Since Peterson was drafted, people have cautioned that he's an injury waiting to happen. His upright running style, his affinity for contact, his injury history – all of those factors have played into the speculation. Now, obviously, ALL running backs (and all football players, really) are injury risks. Every snap is a prelude to human demolition. But, in a game that is inherently violent, Peterson's game is somehow even MORE violent. He runs the ball with an iron fury. Even alone in the open field, Peterson runs like a steed charging down to the battlefront.

Twice last week against Detroit, Peterson eschewed running out of bounds in favor of lowering his head and crashing into a defender. And I don't just mean he lowered his head. I mean he angled his head so that the crown of his helmet was face-to-face with turf, allowing the defender to blast him right in the back of the head or the base of his neck. He may as well have sent out invites to come break his fucking spine.

Peterson can get away with this kind of shit because he's stronger than most anyone who hits him. But he's not THAT strong. There's always a chance that he'll contort himself into a defenseless position, or that someone will find a seam in his seemingly indestructible exoskeleton, of that he won't see someone coming from the side to crush his vertebrae into cracker crumbs. The more he leaves the back of his neck open for any and all to plow into, the more likely that outcome becomes. Lesser players probably would have had their neck broken doing that last week. That doesn't mean an extraordinary player like Peterson is guaranteed to avoid that fate.

The problem with the solution – avoiding contact, stepping out of bounds a hair earlier – is that it takes away from what makes Peterson such an alluring player to begin with. We like to watch PJ specifically because he's willing to break his goddamn neck to get that extra yard. We're watching him perform a death-defying act, one that provides suspense each time he touches the ball. So, if he decided to heed the advice of others and begin "letting up," would he be as magnetic? Peterson's willingness to destroy himself is what makes him… him. Asking him to let up is like watching Evel Knievel go from jumping over buildings to jumping over go-karts, or like hearing your favorite band after they decide to stop doing cocaine.

It's one of the odd things about football. Players are asked to give every thing they have, and that's exactly what Peterson does. He never compromises on a carry. He never gives up. Yet, for the sake of his body and his team, that's exactly what he SHOULD do on occasion. And that's a hard thing to accept in a game where giving anything less than your entire body and soul makes you a pussy. It's woven into the fabric of our society. We're a grandly ambitious race of people, willing to do anything and everything to get what we want. The idea of compromising, or being happy with what you already have, is not a terribly American one. You're supposed to have your asskicking switch on at all times, or else you're a loser. And football is a pursuit that punishes you more the harder you push. The level of damage your passion inflicts is a severe one, much more so than if you were a track star, or a concert violinist, or something less awesome than a football player.

So Adrian Peterson is going to have to think hard about whether or not doing a makeshift headstand to get an extra yard on first down (against Detroit, no less) is worth the catastrophic risk he's taking. Because, at some point, and sooner rather than later, that catastrophe WILL happen, and all the flirtation with danger that makes him such a brilliant runner will be made manifest. Ask LaDainian Tomlinson how quickly it can all turn.

It doesn't seem logical that you can help your team more by being a less aggressive player. But it's true. Peterson needs to play with greater awareness of his own fragility: smarter, more in control. He's going to learn it at some point. And he'll have to learn to accept the inherent contradiction that giving it your all isn't always the best idea, and accept that it doesn't really detract from the essence of what makes him a wonderful football player. The only question is, will he find out the hard way, or the way out of bounds? If he wants to be remembered as the greatest of all time, as he has stated, he needs to choose the latter before it's too late.

Then again, maybe Peterson wasn't meant to be around for very long. Maybe, like Prefontaine, or some other rare talent, he is meant to exist at the peak of his abilities and desires and not a game longer. Regardless of how his story plays out, my only hope is that it doesn't end with his skull bolted into a halo brace. (He is, after all, on my fantasy team.) Running the ball like every carry is your last is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So stop lowering your head there, Champ.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Titans at Jets: There is nothing worse in the fantasy world than one of those weeks where every player on every team decides to blow the fuck up at the same time. You see one of your guys score three TD's or something, you figure you have a win in the bag, and then you get FUCKED because everyone else had a player do the same goddamn thing. Call it Orgy Week. I'll give you an example. Last week, Leitch's team had Chris Johnson, Drew Brees, and Marques Colston. And he still fucking LOST! Imagine watching Chris Johnson have the absolutely INSANE game he had, only to see it all go to waste. Will Johnson have a game like that again this year, where he's left COMPLETELY UNCOVERED when split out wide? No. No, he will not. He'll have plenty more good games. But you can't even do that in Madden (especially Madden these days, where the game is annoyingly realistic). I asked Leitch to comment on his staggering loss. His reponse:

"All that matters to me is that my guys went out and played hard. When you're facing a guy like Nick Folk, you have to expect a loss is always a possibility."

So diplomatic. Leitch is always polite like that. Deep down, I know damn well he was engorged with corn-fed ire.

Falcons at Patriots: I have Tony Gonzalez on a couple of fantasy teams this year. I've never had him before, and goddamn, he's a joy. Just consistently productive every week. None of this maddening up and down shit, like every other player out there not named Drew Brees or Adrian Peterson. I can't recommend him enough. I didn't even win last week, but it's always nice when you know at least one player you own won't turn around and STAB YOU IN THE KIDNEYS LIKE THE EVIL PRICKS THEY ARE.

And loogit, the Patriots might kinda blow this year! Even the blinding white Jewish power of Julian Edelman may not be able to prevent it! FUCKING NICE!

Four Throwgasms

Panthers at Cowboys: If you missed it during the pregame last Sunday, the Cowboys Stadium video board displayed a series of the great world landmarks – the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall, the Colosseum in Rome, and then Cowboys Stadium. This was done without a trace of irony. Let's go ahead and get our Gratuitous Simpsons Quote out of the way here:

"Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969: Man walks on the moon. 1971: Man walks on the moon... again. Then, for a long time, nothing happened. Until tonight."

Seriously, it's just a fucking stadium. All the accoutrements in the world can't hide the fact that it's still a collection of arranged seats in a building with no historical import. It's only an interesting place if there's an event being held there. Taken on its own, it's not the fucking Eiffel Tower.

49ers at Vikings: Again, I'd like to point out that Purple Jesus fumbled NINE goddamn times last year. Nine times?

Niiiine times. He fumbled last week. He nearly fumbled the week before. It's getting to be a problem. Also, the Vikings can't pass block for SHIT.

By the way, be on the lookout for announcers verbally fellating Antoine Winfield any time he plays. "He's so small, but he still tackles people! HE MUST HAVE THE HEART OF A LION!" If Winfield were white and played quarterback, you'd hate him more than Brett Favre.

One last thing about the Vikes, not to belabor them this week. I didn't realize this until last week, but the U. of Minnesota has a new football stadium this year. There had been plans to build a stadium for both the U and the Vikings. That never happened. The new stadium is gorgeous, and could potentially seat 80,000 Minnesotans (one assumes tightly) with a few modifications. So why would anyone in Minnesota build a SECOND football-only stadium just so the Vikings can make more money? It would be idiotic, right? Well, Michael Rand says it'll happen anyway:

"No governor or legislator wants to let the Vikes go on their watch. They'll work in some painless trickeration such as a small sales tax increase (we're funding the new Twins stadium with a 3-cent tax increase on every 20 bucks spent in Hennepin County) and convince people of the economic impact (jobs, tax base, etc). It'll get done. Mark it."

And that's democracy for you. It's just like Contact. Why build one stadium when you can build two for twice the cost?

Oh, and nice game last week, Frank Gore. Not that I haven't needed a game like that out of you FOR THE PAST TWO FUCKING YEARS, YOU GODDAMN CUMSWILLER.

Colts at Cardinals: I always wonder, when the players introduce themselves on SNF, why some choose to say the name of their high school and not their college. I'm sure some of them just want to mix things up, or they feel a greater affection for their high school. But I wonder how many of them just flat out fucking HATED the college they played for. Randy Moss never says he went to Marshall on those telecasts. I wonder if he thinks Marshall ate hog.

You'll again see lots of promos for the Jay Leno Show on SNF this week. I haven't seen it, but I do know Brian Unger is now a correspondent for Jay. BRIAN! I always like tracking the career arcs of lesser-known Daily Show alumnae not named Mo Rocca. Beth Littleford appears in ads ALL THE TIME. Gah! Why did she ever leave? Beth was awesome.

Three Throwgasms

Jaguars at Texans: Here's an indisputable case for why the Jags need to move immediately. Read it. It's fun knowing they're a hopeless failure!

Steelers at Bengals: Is there any doubt that Steelers fans were first people to hop online they second they saw an ad for Skinit.com? "Doy-uh, if I put Stillers stickers on mah pickup, girls will fuck mah pee pee bone!" 90% of all retarded NFL merchandise – skins, Fatheads, inflatable pool lounges – are made specifically because Steelers and Packers fans will buy them.

Saints at Bills: Apart from my favorite team winning it all, I can't think of a more delightful outcome for the season than Drew Brees and the Saints kicking the shit out of everyone. Drew Brees is awesome. If you don't like Drew Brees, then you hate wounded puppies, Shake'n'Bake drumsticks, and beating off after a nap.

Dolphins at Chargers: And then Marmalard went all (cups hands around mouth) MARMALARDDDDDD!!!!

/LL Cool J'd

Two Throwgasms

Giants at Bucs: Most ads are awful these days. But that Old Spice ad with the dude ski jumping? Tremendous.

Bears at Seahawks: Bump this up a throwgasm if Hasselbeck plays.

Broncos at Raiders: Didn't forget the Raiders this week! WOOHOO!

Chiefs at Eagles

One Throwgasm

Browns at Ravens: Ray Lewis wore a BEST DAD t-shirt during his postgame press conference last week. It's funny, because he's been hauled to court twice for failing to pay child support!

Redskins at Lions: I learned last week that Calvin Johnson is a die-hard Red Sox fan. Et tu, Megatron? EAT SHIT, JOHNSON. How can you root for Boston? YOU'RE FROM FUCKING GEORGIA. And you're black! Red Sox fans would arrest you for breaking into your own home.

Packers at Rams: The Packers have a receiver named Jordy Nelson. Not to be mean, but Jordy is a total retard name. Full retard, with the plaquey teeth and the bad smell and everything.

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Gideon," by My Morning Jacket. Spud posted this song on the site this summer, but it's worth tossing it in again. I like any song that climaxes with a man screaming his lungs out. Hey, that last sentence didn't sound gay at all!

Embarassing Cassingle Reader JRW Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

I have long had a desire to divulge to you my own personal Embarrassing Cassingle I Used to Own: "Owwww" by Chunky A. That's right, Arsenio Hall's fat alter ego.

I was a fellow fat child and, looking back, I think I honestly believed that owning this tape somehow would make me cool, somehow overcoming my grotesque body, bad hair, acne and my wardrobe, which was purchased exclusively at Sam's Club. It was Arsenio Hall! No one was cooler than Arsenio Hall.

In retrospect, I was wrong. Suffice to say, after breaking that bad boy out during a field trip thinking I would wow the kids with my edgy taste in music, I quickly learned that my expectations regarding the cool factor of that particular cassingle were a bit overblown. Instead of becoming an instant celebrity, I just became even more sad and pathetic (and correspondingly, even fatter), sinking further int a depression that didn't end until high school when being a fatass suddenly became a plus for its usefulness in blocking.

Now that I have divulged that tidy bit of information, I will cross it off my list and bid you adieu.

I'm right with JRW here. As a fat, unpopular kid, I tried to devise many schemes like this one to gain more friends and chicks. We'll get into those more later in the year.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? A dead grandma, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like. But please, no more human centipedes.

/shudders

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Steve Slaton. Nothing worse than seeing your player take part in a game where everyone scored a fucking shitload of fantasy points, thinking he scored a bunch, then checking the stat sheet and realizing he was THE ONE GODDAMN FUCK WHO DIDN'T HOLD UP HIS END OF THE BARGAIN. STEP UP YOUR GAME, STEVIE. OR I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO WEST FUCKING VIRGINIA.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of Washington was (barely) correct, making me 2-0 on the year. That puts the Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Baltimore, and those Lunch with Benefits promos during the FOX telecast. What's this "with benefits" thing mean? You trying to fuck us with no emotional strings attached, Jay Glazer? That is so typical of you.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Lions getting 6.5 points at home against the Redskins. About goddamn time you changed my picture back, you Jew fuck."

I'm not Jewish, Nazi Shark.

"If you try and fuck me over, you are."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 1-1

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was Gobias Some Coffee. He gets a free rant space here.

Ya know what really grinds my gears? Having to write a goddamn rant because I randomly made some NFL picks one day. I wanted to check out of work at 5:24 but had to wait until 5:30 to leave, so I went to Deadspin and made my picks for Week 1. My reward? A homework assignment. I gotta sit here and try to be hilarious in 100 words or less. J'accuse Big Daddy Drew! How 'bout I stick to making the picks and you write your own damn column. Fuck this, I'm out.

Maybe we should rethink this prize. How about free space to mock me and Daulerio as you see fit?

This week's winner was J. Dugan. Mr. Dugan, kindly come claim your insult prize.

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Jewda sends in a brilliant one:

When I was 16 I went to this really intense nature camp, all hiking and roughing it in the woods and all sorts of other latently homoerotic activities that society deems 'manly'. Anyway we get a one day break in the middle of the camp and we get to rejoin society, stay in a hotel and sleep indoors for an evening so naturally me and my best friend at the camp decide to do an all you can eat chinese food buffet that night because you see, we're retarded. After eating nothing but granola and campfire hot dogs and shit like that, the stomach has a tough time handling a Chinese food buffet but nevertheless we both made it through the night ok and then returned to our campsite. The next day we are on a hike in the middle of fucking nowhere and my buddy turns to me and tells me his stomach is not feeling so good. So as we were taught to do, take a buddy with you when you go off trail and we decided we would take turns shitting. My buddy looks everywhere for a nice tree to hug so he can begin the festivities (we were taught to shit by hugging a sturdy tree, then squatting down and shitting away from you)..

Usually, one would survey the area and pick a really good tree or branch to get a hold of but my friend is so frantic and so desperate to void his bowels that he grabs the first decent looking tree and drops his pants and goes to work. Now normally I wouldn't be watching this happen but the sounds coming from the woods are so fascinating and so grotesque that I decide I need to take a peek. As he enters my field of vision the first thing I see is the tree he is holding onto with all its might, snap and break and my poor friend waves desperately in the air hoping to catch his balance but its too late, he falls ass backwards into his own nasty diarrhea. He immediately gets up screaming and trying to brush himself off when he looks down and sees that the diarrhea he just had came out a weird green color and this causes him to start throwing up in his own pile of green shit while he is also still covered in his own green diarrhea.

And that my good sir, is a wonderful poop story.

Yes, it is. I saw the broken tree coming, and that's what made it so perfect.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable
Gary Kubiak
Jack Del Rio
Lovie Smith
Marvin Lewis
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Wade Phillips
Dick Jauron

One and done for Mangini? Oh, it's gonna happen.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Twinkies! How'd they get the creamy filling in the cake? Like the kid in the old ad says, it's just born there.

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Bud Light Golden… Wheat? Is that right? Bud Light has a golden wheat variety now? Christ, that sounds like shit. Also, I'm getting really sick of smug Bud bartender lady giving me all her goddamn "lager lessons." Pour it right down the center? Lady, you ever pour fucking Bud down the middle of a glass? You get a fucking bubble bath. Kiss my fucking ass, sweetheart. Just gimme my cheap, crummy beer and go the fuck away.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is STILL Drew Brees of the Saints! Now, everyone knows Evans likes himself the occasional blowjob. Relaxing? You bet! Exciting? Damn right. But you know what's even MORE exciting than getting a blowjob? Getting a blowjob from Dennis Hopper's wife, with Dennis Hopper watching in the corner with a pistol in his hand! YOU TALK ABOUT SUSPENSE!"

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

Hud! Everyone wants to bone Patricia Neal! And shoot cows! Nice.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
See the Cowboys game capsule.

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: The links have been broken the past two weeks. I am sorry. I am an asshole. Here's Kayla Collins. Hope she makes up for it somehow.
-For the gals: The shirtless men of True Blood. I'm told this show has lots of tits and blood. I'm in.

Enjoy the games, everyone.

There are stars and then there are STARS.

And then there are —==SSSTTTAAARRRSSS==—(TM)!!! And then there is also that channel Starz.

And trying to put a player into one category or the other is a subjective thing.

True. Hard to be objective about a distinction that you just made up.

For instance, Carson Palmer … star. Tony Romo … STAR. Agree?

I guess.

Wait, no. I changed my mind. I'm gonna go with:

I GUESS.

If you asked a dozen GMs, more than half would lean toward starting their team with Palmer. But if Tony Romo and Carson Palmer walked side-by-side through, say, O'Hare International Airport, who would be more widely recognized?

Romo. No question. Playing for the Cowboys, dating Jessica Simpson, smirking and grinning and trying to keep T.O. from melting down - all of it has helped make Romo a celebrity as well as a quarterback.

Oh, okay. I get it — this is going to be a list of NFL players who are most likely to date someone famous so they become celebrities. I heard Antonio Bryant was spotted at P.F. Chang's with one of the girls from "90210." He's gotta be on the list!

Also, I saw Chris Cooley's dick on this very website once. Does that count for something?

For Palmer, playing in Cincinnati for a moribund franchise that has a steady kickoff time of 1 p.m. EDT throughout the fall hasn't helped him become more recognizable.

Well that makes sense. I guess we won't be seeing any players on this list from teams with a history of losing, like the Lions or the Texans. (Spoiler alert: A Lion and a Texan are on the list!)

And yet at this time three years ago, Romo was known by nobody outside of NFL personnel and the people who follow the league closely.

So we wondered: Who's going to blow up in 2009?

Three years ago, Romo was backing up Drew Bledsoe, and not having the whitest sex ever with Jessica Simpson. He didn't take a snap in a regular season game until October. Then he became a STAR, which may or may not be a thing. So — if I understand this correctly — we're looking for guys who you've never heard of, but are likely to become superstars really quick.

Let's see what ya got.

We came up with five: quarterbacks Matt Ryan and Philip Rivers of the Falcons and Chargers;

Um, I'm sorry. I seem to have jumped into the middle of an article about some of the most famous players in the league.

Philip Rivers isn't a STAR yet? Can't we all agree he's at least a StaR or something? Didn't Matt Ryan lead his team to the playoffs last year?

receivers Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson from the Texans and Lions,

I have no idea what this list is supposed to be. Seriously, raise your hand if you haven't heard of Andre and Calvin Johnson. You can raise it in all caps if you want to.

and running back Adrian Peterson from the Vikings.

Everything above this was written four days ago. Here's what happened.

I had written some stuff, whatever, going through the article line by line and trying my best to make some decent smartass comments or food metaphors or whatever. Then I read this line about Adrian Peterson — that this might be the year that he becomes a superstar.

I think I reacted properly: I took my MacBook that I was writing this on, twirled around like a discus thrower, and hurled my laptop out the window. Then I blacked out, for I don't know how long, and woke up on my bed. My girlfriend was sitting next to me.

I was like "what happened?"

"I don't know. It was like you were in some sort of fever dream, but you kept saying the same thing out loud over and over again."

"What did I say?"

"Hold on, I wrote it down. Okay, yeah. You kept saying 'For crying out fuck, first of all he's the consensus #1 fantasy football pick, which literally tens of millions of Americans play. Also he's in about 60% of the commercials these days — the dude is one "Cut That Meat!" away from hosting SNL. And! He led the fucking league in rushing last year!'"

"Huh. Sounds about right."

"Also the neighbors came by to drop off your computer. It's gonna take like four days to fix."

Adrian Peterson. Is not a superstar. Yet. That's what we're going with?

All are known. None are known so well they'd be mobbed in an airport, recognized in New York City or be readily identifiable by a nickname.

Adrian Peterson has two nicknames that I can think of, and again, I barely follow football ("All Day" or "A.D.", and "Purple Jesus"). Everyone calls Calvin Johnson "Megatron," but, I guess in a way this guy's right. He doesn't have that mobbable quality because he never dated a dumb reality show star.

Yet. But wait until after this season.

Well, I guess we know what that means. At some point this fall, Andre Johnson is going to tittyfuck Audrina Partridge.

L'chaim!

Seriously, the guy was given exactly three words to say and somehow he still managed to flub his line. Don't they have cue cards in Minnesota?

Afterward, he was blindfolded at center ice and one lucky fan got to throw a puck at him.

"Let's Play Hockey" [NHL.tv]
Adrian Peterson tries his hand at "Let's Play Hockey," and should probably stick to football [Star-Tribune]

Turns out the entire thing was a screwup by an NIACC football volunteer coach who is not clear on the concept of "help." Kevin Griffin, who claims that he knows Peterson from their high school days, had told Trojans' head coach Steve LaLonde that Peterson's donation was confirmed. LaLonde announced the windfall, even though Griffin in reality had never talked to Peterson.

"I made a mistake and anything that comes out of this falls on me," said Griffin. "Nothing ever came out of Adrian's mouth. I should have said I'll try to get the money from him and other people. I should have given coach LaLonde more info on that. I'm at fault. I want to apologize to him and the school, to Adrian and the Vikings.

"It was a close confidant in his inner circle," Griffin said. "I haven't spoken to him (Peterson) and don't know if I ever will. It's real bad right now."

School administrators were understandably annoyed. Hey, we're supposed to be in charge of the fundraising around here. We've got soccer teams to run! Today's announcement on the NIACC site:

North Iowa Area Community College is extremely saddened to learn that the much-publicized potential donation to save the football team that was presented to the administration earlier this week was not able to be substantiated. The College continues to mourn its football program, which ended this year due to budget reductions.

If "not able to be substantiated" means "some random dude just pulled the whole thing out of his ass," then yes, this makes sense. Meanwhile, the program's passing has been a bitter pill for the fans to take. From the Globe Gazette message board:

Adrian Peterson has obviously has not been to a NIACC football game. This season I attended 4 home games ,and I have never seen a more undisciplined program in all my life. And I'm not basing that on play selection ,execution,wins/losses or for lack of talent. At one game two players were in the stands during halftime (In Pads and Uniforms) lounging and talking to some female fans. Many times during my 4 games, players chatted with friends in the stands while the game was going on. I also saw players openly excited and clapping after the opposing team intercepted one of NIACCs passes. I was informed before one of the games that 18 players were suspended that game for accademic/discipline reasons. — Tribe

Elsewhere in regret:

• "Sorry I accidentally hooked up your pet cocker spaniel to my Iditarod team. He will be missed." — Musher

• "Sorry for making Obama's problems worse by agreeing with him." — Ozzie Guillen

• "Sorry I'm not on my game. Still not recovered from the restaurant incident." — Gus Johnson

• "Sorry I chewed off that penis. But in my defense, I was being forced to watch War of the Worlds." — Your wife

Oops. No NIACC Bailout [Globe Gazette]
Official College Statement [NIACC.org]
Iowa College Coach Recants Report That Vikings' Adrian Peterson Would Help Save Program [Pioneer Press]

The Vikings somehow beat the Bears last night in one of those games that resemble cute Pop Warner contests; everyone's running the wrong way and throwing it to ridiculous places, but somehow, some lovable scamp with his helmet on backwards and a jersey that hangs over his feet ends up stumbling into the endzone. You're happy for them, they won, that's great ... but seriously, when does the varsity come on the field.

Much salutations to our man Kyle Orton, however, who was his usual mildly efficient, mostly inoffensive self. He looked like the best quarterback on the field to us.

Thus officially ends any playoff chances the Buzzsaw had, by the way. Fortunately, they have two easy games in the last two weeks to drop them down the draft board next year. 8-8 would be nice, though. As for the Vikings ... anything that allows us to see Purple Jesus for a couple more weeks is fine with us.

Deadspin lacks the bandwidth to list all of Peterson's injuries, so we'll stick to the highlights: a high ankle sprain in 2005, a shoulder injury in 2004, and most disturbingly, a broken collarbone in 2006 that Peterson re-injured in the Fiesta Bowl. Peterson says the collarbone is 95% healed, and he'll be ready to play by minicamp. Peterson had dozens of medical tests performed in the weeks leading up to the draft. The verdict: the collarbone should not be a problem, and he is definitely not Dannielynn's father.

When healthy, Peterson is an absolute truck. He's a 240-pounder trapped in a 215-pounder's body, which explains some of the aches and pains, but he can run over defenders 40 pounds bigger than him. He doesn't have much experience as a receiver - the Sooners only throw screens to their running backs - but he caught the ball well at Pro Day. Vikings coach Tobias Funke (Brad Childress) wouldn't select him for his West Coast offense if he couldn't catch.

What about Chester Taylor and his 1,200 yards, you ask? Good question. At Football Outsiders, we have Taylor ranked 33rd among running backs last season. It's not that we don't like him, it's that our play-by-play breakdown suggests that there were lots of seven-yard gains on 3rd-and-15 (stat fluff, in other words) in his totals. He's a very good change-of-pace player. Peterson is pace setter.