I was prepared to break out my camera in hopes of capturing memorable footage of angry rivals. Unfortunately, Alabama's fair-weather fans have not sustained the rich tradition of literary invention found throughout the south; their cheers consisted mostly of several hundred iterations of the 'Roll Tide' call and response chant, which were parried weakly by War Eagle chants that grew more dispirited as the afternoon wore on.

But! I did find out this very interesting fact. Did you know Pam Tebow travels the south speaking at a variety of pro-life events every year, telling her inspiring story of how Tebow wasn't even supposed to happen? This probably isn't news to fans of 40 Days For Life, or the volunteers at Necole's Place, but I wondered if Tebow Nation was up to speed on Mom Tebow's extracurriculars. There's even a no-trade clause with God, which is why Tebow has to call his work against Bama today "preaching" and quite possibly why he won't make it to the combine.

So I've been up to my elbows in pro-life propaganda all day trying to find if I was breaking big news or just retreading something reported and tossed years ago. AND THEN THE GAME STARTED. I'd been thinking all day it was at 7 (yeah, yeah). So, hastily, here is the best prognostication blogging's Illuminati can provide: Alabama will jump out to an early lead. Rock on with your SEC Championship Open Thread.

This is 99, btw.

[Image: Tom Landry's Evangelical Comic (courtesy YM's awesome resident graphic novelist Eli Valley)]

Lincoln High School head coach Keith Howard (pictured) complained of chest pains during halftime of his team's opener at Etowah High in Attalla. He was rushed to the hospital where he died of a heart attack. His team won the game easily, even though fans began to learn about his death during the fourth quarter. (A moment that becomes an odd footnote in this game recap.)

Meanwhile, two hundred miles away in Dothan, Alabama, referee James Parrish collapsed early in the game he was covering and also died at a local hospital. So I guess high school football isn't the most important thing in the world. Funny how that works out.

Lincoln coach stricken at game, dies [Birmingham News]
Coach's death overshadows Lincoln win [Gadsden Times]
Don't forget what high school football coaches do and who they are [Anderson Independent-Mail]
Tragedy on the gridiron: Lincoln Head Coach Keith Howard dies at season opener [Daily Home]

The Venezuelan squad says they came to Alabama (that should have been their first warning sign) under the impression they would take on squads from Nigeria, Uruguay, and Liberia, among others, in a week-long competition between friendly nations. You know, international diplomacy and all that. Instead, they got one game against the semi-pro Birmingham Gladiators and a tour of the local YMCA. No other international teams showed up and the Venezuelans had to go begging among the city's Latin American community for free dinners. The team now wants organizers to reimburse them for $18,000 in lost expenses.

In his defense, the promoter, Anthony Toney of Birmingham, says he did take care of the hotel and airfare (he has receipts!) and the only reason that six other teams weren't there is because they couldn't get visas to enter the U.S. That doesn't mean the "Freewill Games" were a disorganized mess! Now, let's congratulate the Gladiators on their "championship."

Also, Venezuela is run by communists so maybe they got what was coming to them. First of all, they trusted a man named Tony Toney. Second, does any "league" sound more fake than Toney's "Americas Basketball International"? Finally—and I can't stress this enough—why would anyone think it's a good idea to go to Birmingham, Alabama?

(Hey, do you want to hear a funny joke: Birmingham, Alabama wants to host the 2020 Olympics! That's the entire joke.)

Even the commenters on the Birmingham News website, who I assume are the most literate people in all of Alabama, are disgusted with the city's latest black eye:

Alright Birmingham! Those Olympics are a lock! Can't wait to see the dome!"

"TYPICAL MAGIC CITY HOSPITALITY. COME TO BIRMINGHAM AND WATCH YOUR MONEY DISSAPPEAR! THIS TOWN IS A JOKE. WHY DID MAYOR LANGFORD LET THEM GET HERE BEFORE THE DOME WAS BUILT?"

"Surely, the Mayor could have given them each a Pat Robertson New Testament and a unicorn . . ."

"That would be embarrassing, were we not numb to Birmingham's embarrassments, now."

"See! If we had our dome we could host more major events!!! Wait a minute, let me see if I see flying pigs."

"Absolute disgrace. B'ham is as B'ham does..."

"Another great humiliation for the city at the hands of a crooked promoter. If we were to build a dome, who the he11 would show up to play in it?"

"Is the Fair Park area eactly what we want international, national, or even local people to endure for a basketball game? .... I guess Fair Park really wasn't that bad of a choice........I mean whats the difference between 5,000 empty seats and 18,000 empty seats? The goal is still the same height!

"the Fair Park area is reminiscent of a third-world country!"

"Fair Park? Haha. Why on earth would international team come to play there? I bet I could ball on these scrubs. I can't help but feel that Larry is somehow involved in this...."

"I was going to call B'ham the Detroit of the south; then I remembered Detroit has the Pistons."

And these are people who like Birmingham! Don't worry—there's still plenty of racism, xenophobia and gay bashing left in the comments.

In case you're wondering, Larry (a.k.a. LaLa) is Mayor Larry Langford who dreams of building a spacious domed stadium that will attract all manner of tractor pulls and swap meets, dragging Birmingham squarely into the 20th Century. The "groundbreaking" was last Tuesday, even though they haven't even finished the blueprints yet. Just don't clap too loud, sports fans! You wouldn't want to compromise the structural integrity of the roof!

Venezuelan national team shows up in Birmingham, but no tournament [The Birmingham News]
Birmingham, Alabama's quest for a Domed Stadium [Birmingham Dome]
The Freewill Games [ABI Basketball]
Groundbreaking for Birmingham's dome facility confronted by strong winds and opposing voices [The Birmingham News]
Let Me Tell You Something About Birmingham, Alabama [Deadspin]

Daly was traveling through the Bankhead Tunnel in Mobile, Alabama—a tunnel with a shockingly low 12-foot clearance—when his "let's go on the road with the Dead" tour bus didn't quite make it all the way through. The tunnel sheared the fan and awnings off the top of his ride and showered them down on a passing Cadillac. The lesson as always—never drive through Alabama.

According to the traffic accident report from the Mobile Police Department, Daly was traveling eastbound toward the tunnel. A sign warns that the tunnel entrance is just 12 feet high, and dangling chains determine if a vehicle is too tall.

In his witness report, Jimmy Roberson of Mobile was just exiting the tunnel when the fan and awnings on top of Daly's RV crashed into his 1998 Cadillac DeVille. Roberson's windshield, roof and trunk were damaged in the 2:32 p.m. accident, according to the police report.

To be fair, the facts in this case are in some dispute. It's actually more of an RV than a bus. Plus, Daly says that those magic chains were not in place and the cops told him this sort of thing happens all the time. More materially, Daly isn't buying the "neck and head injuries" allegedly suffered by the driver of the Cadillac his RV sprayed with debris.

funny just read now the guy has Neck and Shoulder injuries?? From what??? something hitting his trunk?!

Ah, Twitter. Is there's any insurance fraud case you can't solve?

The John Daly saga hits Mobile: Colorful pro golfer runs his RV into Bankhead Tunnel [Mobile Press-Register]
John Daly (PGA_JohnDaly) [Twitter]
John Daly Wrecks Bus Into Tunnel — Golf FanHouse [Fanhouse]
John Daly wrecks his bus in a tunnel, but it's not what you think [Devil Ball Golf]

The above photo is courtesy of the Deseret News, which is providing ample coverage to its Utah Utes who dismantled Alabama's vaunted defense during last night's Sugar Bowl for a convincing 31-17 victory. Yet, of course, that 13-0 record won't do anything to help them win any shares of the BCS Title. Your Mountain West Conference is too weak and puny for our tastes.

Other Bowls:

• Graham Harrell is the NCAA's best TD chucker, but his Texas Tech Red Raiders lost to Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl. I'll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat...

• Kentucky captures its third straight bowl victory by defeating East Carolina in the Liberty Bowl.

There you are. Tip me if you need to, or find us a bar with WiFi so we can go drink and watch the Buzzsaw get trounced at 4 p.m.

13-0 Utes run over one of BCS' best [Deseret News]
Tide Beyond Sour to Start The Game [Tuscaloosa News]

All I really meant to imply with my original comment was that central (I guess?) Alabama is not a particularly hot tourist destination. I should have been more clear. The place is a blight on America. It serves no purpose other than to make people in Wyoming feel good about themselves.

One young fella named Tony wrote me this message:

You could go far in this town with a name like Dashiell.

Is that a threat? Because the last thing I want is to go far in Birmingham. Or short, for that matter!

Most people just assumed, because of my statement, that I have never been to Birmingham. They are, of course, correct. Why would I do that? To see the Vulcan statue? Oooh, neato. Someone needs to tell these people that Star Trek was just a TV show.

Someone else—who I assume works for the Tourism Board, if they even have one—sent me this lecture about the charms of the "Magic City." I re-post it here in full, because you wouldn't believe me otherwise.

As a native of Birmingham, I am led to comment about your recent post that was referenced by the Birmingham News article in today's edition titled "Papa John's Bowl fans express surprise at Birmingham's amenities."

It is sad that you probably had little information given to you about the city or the bowl. Have you spent any time in Birmingham to assess what the city has to offer? The most significant civil rights museum in the country is located in Birmingham, the Civil Rights Institute. More information can be located at: www.bcri.org. Both teams visited the Institute and found it very meaningful. Birmingham has consistently ranked as a top city for fine dining. Highlands Bar & Grill in Birmingham's Southside neighborhood was ranked by Gourmet Magazine as the #5 restaurant in America, October, 2001. Birmingham is full of culture and the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival was named one of "ten fantastic film festival vacations" along with New Orleans, Austin and San Diego, in Film Festival Today, Spring, 2003.

Maybe you are only interested in top-40 music and retail pop culture. If that is the case, then Birmingham may not be for you.

Lastly, it is not a bowl sponsored by a web site. Rather it is a bowl sponsored by an international company, Papa John's International, Inc. The title of the bowl game reflects the company's marketing strategy of driving customers to its web site to place an order. Surprisingly, you did not figure this out. As a disclaimer, I do not have any stock or have any connections to Papa John's, other than enjoying its pizza occasionally. As a note, the bowl game generated its largest crowd in its 3-year history, so I guess all of those football fans do not see Birmingham and the bowl game in the same uninformed light you do. After all, would so many Rutgers fan travel so far if the city and the bowl combined to make such a dismal offering, as you claim? Also, the great majority of the bowl games are not on a holiday, including the BCS championship. Your comments are silly, and reflect that you wrote the piece in about 5 minutes.

I realize you do not write for the Times or the Washington Post, but next time, do a little research. Go to Birmingham and check out Five-Points South, eat at Highlands or Bottega, and listen to some good independent music at Workplay. You will see the city in an informed light, and maybe appreciate it a bit more.

I think the only true statement in there is that I did write the post in about five minutes. I didn't do my research because I don't have to. On a windy day, I can smell Birmingham from my apartment. However, I do take issue with the claim that I know nothing about Papa John's pizza. I have eaten so much of that stuff my blood is 30% garlic butter. Nobody loves Papa John's more than me. I love it almost as much as I hate Birmingham.

Oh, and I got news for you. Those Rutgers fans were just looking for an excuse to get out of New Jersey. So don't flatter yourself.

Papa John's Bowl fans express surprise at Birmingham's amenities [Birmingham News]

In the ultimate irony of college football, wouldn't we all like the sport better if we outsourced the college football playoff to Las Vegas? Yes, yes we would.

Conference championships also lead to the absurd concept of divisions. Which leads to the even more absurd concept of divisional championships. Often (as with this year's Big 12 South and many years of the SEC East) the divisions arbitrarily divide the strong and weak teams. If the two or three best teams all come from the same division then you have a pointless match-up of one good team and one weaker team. By virtue of geography or whatever other arbitrary system of division exists (I'm looking at you ACC), the bst teams don't even play. Even better is the conference championship rematch—when one team that has clearly been superior all year gets to play the team everyone knows they're better than yet again. Only they have everything to lose and the team they're playing has nothing to lose. And all of this doesn't even consider the end of rivalry games that used to be huge. For example when I was growing up Tennessee and Auburn was a classic contest. Now? It's relegated to the dustbin of rotating divisional opponents. On to the previews.

USC (-33) at UCLA- I know, I know, the Pac-10 teams play nine conference games so they shouldn't have to play a conference championship game. I disagree. Either every league should play them or none should. But the ninth game is why the Pac 10 has an entire conference slate this week while most conferences are already finished. The most enticing aspect of this game is the red jersey for one timeout trade that Pete Carroll is working. What's astounding to me about this entire gambit is that there's an NCAA rule about this. You could have given a hundred intelligent college football fans the NCAA rulebook and none of them would have thought of what the penalty should be if one team wears the wrong color uniform. Ever. Yet the NCAA, in their infinite wisdom, has considered this eventuality and the penalty that should ensue if this rule is broken. Score one for the NCAA! Determine an adequate way to crown a champion? Fail. Discipline a team for wearing the wrong color uniform? Pass. That's awesome.

Cincinnati (-7.5) at Hawaii- Top sign you never expected your team to advance to a BCS bowl game. Or, perhaps, any bowl game at all: You schedule a trip to Hawaii as your final regular season game. Can you imagine being a Cincinnati fan, giving up six months of going out to bars in northern Kentucky for a good time, and then finding out that you've blown all your money on a trip to Hawaii when you could have saved up and watched your team in the Orange Bowl?

Missouri v. Oklahoma (-17)- I'm hoping Missouri wins just because I think Texas deserves to play for the championship. Which they would have been doing under the SEC tiebreak rules. (Instead of rewarding the division championship to the team that is highest ranked in a three-way tie, the SEC team has to be more than five places ahead of the team that they lost to in the final BCS standings.) Of course now the Big 12 is going to take the time to reexamine their own rules. In the meantime Oklahoma plays Missouri. Question, what if this game was awful and Oklahoma won by a point on the final play of the game. Is there anyway that Texas could re-jump Oklahoma without playing? If so, wouldn't this be perfect?

Boston College v. Virginia Tech- It's truly rare that you get a straight pick'em in a championship game. So embrace this game for what it is, an evenly matched game for a trip to a BCS bowl. Where the winner will lose to someone. This is a rematch of an October game between the two teams which Boston College won 28-23. It's also a rematch of last season's conference championship game won by Virginia Tech. Which was itself a rematch of a regular season game in 2007. Confused yet? All of that to say the teams have now played four times in a 14 months. Boston College leads 2-1 but lost the all-important conference championship game.

Alabama v. Florida (-10)- We got into a discussion the other day about whether an undefeated team from a power conference who was ranked number one in the country had ever been a double-digit underdog on a neutral field. I couldn't think of anyone. Let me know if you can. Basically what this means is that Vegas is going to favor Florida over anyone. (Yes, even Oklahoma or Texas.) As well they should. Florida hasn't won by less than 28 since their loss in the final week of September to Ole Miss. Meanwhile, interestingly enough, Alabama and Florida have only played twice this decade. So there's not a lot of history to go on between these two teams. Could this, please Lord, be Tim Tebow's final SEC game? Has Percy Harvin already played his final SEC game? Time will tell. Until then, I'll be throwing up before this game starts. And really drunk by kickoff. The only thing worse than your own team going 5-7 is your two most hated rivals going 23-1 on the season.

Oklahoma beat Oklahoma State late Saturday night 61-41. This score was enough to vault the Sooners ahead of Texas in the BCS Standings and, as a result, send them into the Big 12 Title Game against Missouri courtesy of the fifth tiebreak. (The sixth tiebreak was, in a nice nod to BCS totalitariianism, "Who does Kim Jong-Il think is better?") In raising Oklahoma the BCS computers managed to solve the quandary that left human pollsters uncertain: which of three tied teams deserves the opportunity to compete for a national championship? Of course this only mattered because Texas Tech stormed back to defeat Baylor before Oklahoma even kicked off. If Tech lost that game, then the Oklahoma game wouldn't even have mattered. and Texas is playing for the title. This all makes an awful lot of sense, right?

Basically, Texas got messed with. And here's why, this is a decision between Texas and Oklahoma. In our infinite wisdom we've discarded Texas Tech based on the sound defeat they suffered at the hands of Oklahoma. (Even if, like me, you think Texas Tech deserves a shot in the playoff.) That means there's only one game to consider: the neutral site 45-35 Texas win over Oklahoma. Nothing else matters. Both teams have one loss and Texas won the head-to-head game on a neutral field. If every game counts, then you have to count the only game between the two teams that your're deciding between, right? Otherwise you're proving what college football playoff proponents already know, every game is equal but some games are more equal than others. Welcome to the Orwellian world of college football championship rationales. On to the round-up.

1. Florida and Alabama proved they are the best two teams in the SEC. Which, in the wake of the SEC East's performance against the ACC, might mean nothing at all. In case you missed it Georgia Tech put up 45 on Georgia (who now owns the most disappointing 9-3 season in Bulldog history), Clemson continued their domination of Steve Spurrier and South Carolina, and Wake Forest beat Vandy (who despite reaching a bowl this year finished off their season with a Vandy-like 1-6 conclusion). What does all of this mean?

2.Oregon State's dream of making their first Rose Bowl since 1965 went crashing into Oregon. In the end all of Corvallis cried as one as Oregon hung 65 on Oregon State. Who was happiest about this aside from Oregon and USC fans? How about undefeated teams in Boise State and Utah? Who saw one of the BCS spots that would have been claimed by USC open up thanks to the USC advancing to the Rose Bowl with the win. Who else was happiest? The bastards at the Rose Bowl. Instead of an Oregon State-Penn State rematch, they get USC-Penn State. Which, to be fair, is shaping up as the second best BCS bowl game.

3. Paul Johnson's offense works in BCS conference football. Last week Johnson's team rushed for 472 yards. And no one really noticed because it was a Thursday night football game. This week they rushed for 409 yards against Georgia. While only passing for 19 yards. So it doesn't really matter if you're one-dimensional if that dimension is so dominant you don't even have to consider throwing the football. This is even more jarring when you consider that Georgia led 28-12 at the half.

4. Virginia Tech and Boston College are meeting again in the ACC Championship Game. At least the game is in Tampa. Which should be somewhat warm. The Charlotte games always looked miserable.

5. Kansas beat Missouri to salvage their season and make Baby Mangino squeal with joy. Meaning Missouri fans can join Georgia fans who are upset over the worst 9-3 season in school history. Of course, unlike Georgia, Missouri can erase everything with an upset win over Oklahoma this week. Regardless, somewhere John Brown is smiling. Even though he's mouldering in the grave.

6. Miss. State's offense put up 33 yards against Ole Miss. That was on 56 plays. Futility this epic deserves to be noted. It's why no one was crying in Starkville when Sylvester Croom resigned. Don't you have to be fired if you're Croom and make the school buy out your contract? You don't see Charlie Weis resigning, do you?

Back to Oklahoma-Texas and the BCS mess, I got a lot of emails after saying that 99.9% of college football fans want a playoff. Many were from college football fans who said they didn't favor a playoff. I don't think these fans are fools, I just think they've made a Faustian bargain with their own souls. Like the girls who claim they're still virgins but have anal sex. Basically, if you're a college football fan who favors a playoff you're the 16 year old girl getting banged in the ass to protect the sanctity of your hymen. Congrats on that. Y'all have to live with results like this. And if Florida beats Alabama this weekend? Are we just going to decree by fiat that Florida and Oklahoma are the two best teams in the country? Even though Texas and USC and Utah and Boise State and Penn State all have pretty good claims that they deserve a shot too? You betcha. (Odds that the Palin daughters contemplate the anal sex virginity protection gambit? High, very high...except the eldest.) Something's rotten with any athletic event that requires this much logical inconsistency and debate, really fucking rotten.

Cincinnati (-4) at Louisville- The Bearcats win the Big East if they can win on the road tonight at Louisville and then next week at home against Pitt. Yeah, Cincinnati might be in a BCS bowl. Prior to this the best bowl Cincinnati has ever been in is the PapaJohns Bowl. What's more they've only been to 10 bowl games in their history. Should be interesting to see how the team responds.

Miss. State at Alabama (-22)- Chances are you had no idea that Miss. State has beaten Alabama two consecutive years. And that in those two years Alabama hasn't scored an offensive touchdown. But they have. So that means Alabama probably isn't overlooking this opponent one week after they clinched the SEC West. Except, you know, this game is slotted between LSU and Auburn. Of course State also hasn't won a road game yet this season but, even still, this spread seems a bit high. Right? Especially since Alabama hasn't beaten any SEC team by more than 20 since the middle of September. But that's not stopping the Houndstooth twins, Maegen and Ashley Bailey, from remaining steadfast in their support.

Texas (-14) at Kansas- The year after their magical season the human blimp that is Mangino has returned to earth. At just 6-4, Kansas has lost every big game they've played this year, including 3 of their last 4 overall. Now Kansas has Texas and Missouri left on the schedule. Could Texas be ripe for the upset in Lawrence? If Kansas is going to have any kind of season worth remembering they have to win one of these final two. Otherwise they'll slink into a bowl at 6-6 and fans will have to convince themselves that 2007 actually happened. Don't worry, it did. We have the picture to prove it.

Meanwhile, Texas can't just win. They've got to slaughter Kansas and then sit back next weekend and root for Oklahoma to beat Texas Tech by 1. So it all comes down to the BCS standings to see who represents the Big 12 South in a three-way tie.

South Carolina at Florida (-23)- Steve Spurrier's headed back to the Swamp for the second time. In 2006, it took a blocked field goal on the final play of the game to preserve Florida's chance to play for a national championship. Now the Gators look unstoppable. But doesn't that line seem a bit high considering South Carolina has the best defense in the SEC? I think so. But then, Florida's offense has looked truly unstoppable for the past month. What would the over/under be in a hypothetical Florida/Big 12 Champion be? 85? Maybe.

Notre Dame (-4) at Navy- Remember way back when Notre Dame signed Charlie Weis to a 58 year contract extension and a few people questioned whether that was smart? And then Notre Dame fans got all upset and ripped anyone who didn't want to buy the lard from Charlie's gastric bypass surgery on eBay? Yeah, good job picking your battles. Weis's coaching record is worse than Bob Davie's. Navy has a winning record and is coming off a win at Notre Dame last year. Could Notre Dame really lose to Navy twice in a row?

Utah (-30) at San Diego State- As soon as they win this game Utah will be 11-0 and only have a home game remaining against BYU to complete a perfect regular season. Admit it, you don't care because they aren't in a Big 6 conference. God, you suck. Almost as much as San Diego State sucks. But not quite.

Ohio State (-9.5) at Illinois- One year after Ron Zook took Illinois to the Rose Bowl, he's got to beat Ohio State or Northwestern to be bowl eligible. Since September 13 Illinois has alternated wins with losses. Last week they lost. Can they take down Ohio State for the second year in a row?

Cal at Oregon State (-3)- The conspiracy to refuse to acknowledge that Oregon State remains on track to win the Pac-10 continues for yet another week. Oregon State has three games left and is standing at 5-1. Win out and they win the Pac 10 for the first time since 1965. Yet no one is paying attention to this. Except Beaver fans. Which should be everyone but Vince Young.

Georgia (-10) at Auburn- Tommy Tuberville has to beat either Georgia or Alabama to be bowl eligible. Who saw this coming? Tennessee's collapse has sort of sucked the air out of the national story surrounding Auburn. They couldn't really fire Tuberville could they? Last week Matthew Stafford saved the state of Georgia from the most dispiriting autumn since 1864. But there are still a couple of minefields remaining. This is one. Usually, anyway.

North Carolina (-3) at Maryland- Won't someone please win the ACC? In typical ACC fashion this year two new teams control their own destiny this week. If North Carolina wins all they have to do is beat N.C. State and Duke and they win the ACC's Coastal Division. That's simple enough. But if they lose? Who the hell knows. Same thing with Maryland, win their next three games and they win the Atlantic Division. Lose and we're back to being confused. What a mess.

Vandy at Kentucky (-4)- Remember back when Vandy was the feel-good story of college football and had won five games in a row? Yeah, now they've lost four consecutive games when a win could have made them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. In two of these games, against Duke and Mississippi State, they've been favored to win. They have three games left to get that win. Can it happen in Lexington? If it doesn't you might be witnessing a pretty epic choke job.

Saban took the Bama job the day LSU played in the 2007 Sugar Bowl, and signs such as "Saban is a D-Bag" popped up in the French Quarter. Back in Miami, the coach was speaking to reporters off the record. He repeated a story a friend, who Saban said happened to be on LSU's board of trustees, told him—a story that ended up taped and played on the radio a few weeks later. Here it is: "He was walking down the street yesterday before the Sugar Bowl. He calls me. There was a guy working in the ditch, one of those coonass guys that talk funny. I can't talk like them, but he can. Most people in Louisiana can. He says, 'Hey, you see where Coach Saban signed up with Alabama?' You know, however they talk. And the board of trustees guy says, 'Yeah I saw that,' and he says, 'That son of a b—, I feel like he's f— my wife.'"

It didn't matter that Saban was trying to be funny, or that a lot of people use the word coonass. A segment of LSU fans heard ditch-digging coonass and saw red. "Cajun people are proud," Ragoo explains. "When they perceive that you're putting them down and making fun of them, they become focused and galvanized about kicking your ass."

The thing people don't get about SEC fans? Even the ones who can correctly use the word galvanized after downing a bottle of Jack want Saban dead. This game is going to be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Like a gang bang starring Pam Oliver.

Hating Nick Saban [ESPN]

Ohio State (-11) at Northwestern- Who's rooting harder for Ohio State to finish the rest of the season without a blemish than Penn State fans? The answer is no one. Back in 2004 Northwestern upset Ohio State. Fresh off their road upset of Minnesota can Northwestern pull off another shocker? A noon kickoff probably helps. But having intelligent football players probably hurts. Damn.

Georgia Tech at North Carolina (-4)- The ACC is a swamp of mediocrity. Every team in the Coastal Dvision of the ACC already has two losses. The loser of this game will definitely be eliminated from contention. I think. But who really knows? A win and UNC has their first winning season since 2001. Tech's quarterback, Josh Nesbitt, may not be able to play. Enjoy.

Alabama (-3.5) at LSU- - Coming soon, a congressional inquiry into how LSU fans are capable of figuring out football player's cell phone numbers. Two weeks ago Knowshon and Stafford responded to their cell phone numbers being leaked with their best games of the season? Can JPW do the same? Who knows? Better question, how many people in Alabama commit suicide if Bama loses to LSU and then finds a way to lose to an awful Auburn team for the 7th year in a row, meaning they don't even win the SEC West. Over/under is 15. Including the always eloquent Cowboy.

Kansas State at Missouri (-27.5)- The over/under on this game opened at 74. That's truly unbelievable. Well, that and the fact that everyone has written off Missouri as a factor in the national scene. Am I the only one who sees Missouri upsetting the Big 12 South winner in the Big 12 title game? Yeah? Oh well.

Florida (-24) at Vandy- Since losing to Ole Miss 31-30 Florida has outscored their past four SEC opponents 201-43. Included were two top ten wins over Georgia and LSU. That's an average of 50-10. Now they get Vandy. A team that scored 7 points against Duke to lose their third consecutive game. This is going to be incredibly ugly. It's a good thing ESPN picked up this game for national broadcast.

Penn State (-7) at Iowa- Can Penn State stop Iowa's tailback Shon Greene from running? If so, they'll blow Iowa out. If they can't, this game might give Joe Paterno heartburn. That's provided, of course, that he actually realizes what the stakes are for his team that remains slotted at BCS #3. Earlier this week Paterno was confused whether it was BCS or BSC. This is Penn State's last road game.

Arizona (-41) at Washington State- In their last two games Washington State has been outscored 127-0. That's bad. What's worse? In their last five games WSU has been outscored 284-30. WSU's defense averages giving up 49.4 points a game. Is there any doubt that the Washington-Washington State game is going to be the most futile "rivalry" game in the country this year? 1-10 vs. 0-10. I can't wait.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech (-3)- If you don't really have a rooting interest, don't you have to favor Mike Leach in the BCS Title game? Most coaches are circumspect and reserved. Leach is an insane lawyer who graduated from Pepperdine and, wife and child in tow, took a coaching job for $7,000 a year . By the way, if you haven't read Michael Lewis's profile piece on Leach from three years ago in the New York Times, now is the time to do it. One of the best profiles I've ever read. Sample line: Each off-season, Leach picks something he is curious about and learns as much as he can about it: Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears, Jackson Pollock.

Cal at USC (-22)- Do you ever get the feeling that no matter how much the linemaker installs USC as favorites by the line is going to move higher? And USC is still going to find a way to cover. I'm picturing some sallow-skinned man sitting in front of a bank of computers slowly pulling out his red hair while game film of Pete Carroll strutting down the sideline plays on a constant loop. Yep, it just happened again. USC opened as 17 point favorites and now they're up to 22.

This is what it has come to: an erudite Alabama fan self-nicknamed "Cowboy" is Phil Fulmer's greatest defender. And Cowboy thinks that Nick Saban might be watching his analysis. Which, given that Saban is all-knowing and all-powerful, He probably is. Find a better mustache than this, I dare you.

Alabama fan rejoices [Roundtable Radio]

1. Texas eliminated Missouri from the national stage on Saturday. The Horns were up 35-3 at the half and all those Missouri fans who were convinced that Texas might have a figurative hangover after Oklahoma were busy wondering if Chase Daniel was literally hungover. Three weeks ago I anointed Daniel the Heisman Trophy winner. Maybe that was a bit premature. Now everyone knows Colt McCoy is going to win it. Which probably means he won’t. The void in the Heisman race this year is gargantuan.

2. Maryland beat Wake Forest 26-0. If there is a less consistent team in America than Maryland, I haven’t seen them play all year. Lose to UVA by 31 when you’re favored by 14, beat a top 25 Cal team that you’re double digit underdogs to, lose to Middle Tennessee State by 10, and now bounce back from being shutout to shutout the top team in the ACC. There are no words. I’m picturing a bleary-eyed Ralph Friedgen sitting in front of film from this season’s games,Twinkies flying over his shoulder at warp speed, saying over and over again, “If I just watch long enough it will all make sense.” No, it won’t Coach. It never will.

3. With 6:46 remaining in the third quarter Penn State was tied at 17 with Michigan. Nittany Lions fans were starting to wonder if they were going to find a way to lose to the worst Michigan football team in the history of the university and then they scored 29 consecutive points and covered the huge spread. Am I the only person who pictures Joe Pa giving the Russell Crowe Gladiator speech during a television commercial break? Via the sideline phone no less. How much would you pay to hear Joe Pa say, “At my signal, unleash hell.”

(It takes a while but the best single line of moviedom in the past ten years will come up eventually. Damn copyright lawyers ruining clips for the rest of us.)

4. Georgia outlasts Vandy 24-14. This game was ugly. And I know because I was nauseous and attempting to take a nap while watching this game from my car on Saturday afternoon. Earlier I’d spent the day touring the Thomas Wolfe home in Asheville. Don’t ask. But isn’t it amazing how teams can drop off the national radar so fast? Georgia is number 7 in the BCS standings and you’d think they’ve lost three games already. That will probably change beginning this weekend at LSU, but still, how have they disappeared so quickly?

In case you're wondering how the Gators are getting ready for the Cocktail Party, here's a rap about the awesomeness of beards from Gainesville. Every time I want to hate Florida fans, they go and pull off something amazing like this. Work your way through the opening half-minute and wait for the rap to begin. It's truly outstanding. As an added bonus watch for Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Taurean Green to make cameos. Seriously.

5. On Friday Boise State beat Hawaii 32-7 to get to 6-0. Remember Boise State head coach Chris Petersen? You should. He’s about to become the hottest commodity among young head coaches in the country. Their only win by less than 13 was over Oregon at Oregon. They’re #15 in the country and will be favored to get to 12-0. Can they crash the BCS again? Oklahoma hopes not.

6. Texas Tech is 7-0 and still has played no one. Why can’t my team ever get a starting schedule like this to artificially inflate our expectations? But that’s all about to change. Starting this week Tech goes to Kansas (where they’ve opened as an early underdog), then they get Texas and Oklahoma State at home before a nice road trip to Oklahoma. Christ, is the negative karma from going to law school finally catching up with Mike Leach?

7. LSU proved they can win a big night game on the road. Unfortunately for them, this win means their home game against Georgia will now be an afternoon game for CBS. Somehow Les Miles will find a way to blame Matthew Stafford for this insult to the honor of the Bengal Tigers. Meaning I'm glad I'm not Matthew Stafford.

8. Remember how USC was favored by 43 on the road? Yeah, they covered by 26. 69-0 was the final. Washington State’s really clicking on all cylinders now. Can you imagine being a Washington State fan, putting money on your team, and then having to watch this debacle?

As if that weren't bad enough, word is the entire Washington State dance team fled Pullman to become Mark Sanchez's harem. Only Sanchez dropped them off in Sacramento because they weren't hot enough for LA.

9. Oklahoma's Sam Bradford threw for 468 yards against Kansas. What’s more, the Sooners put up 674 yards of total offense. How is that even possible with the new clock rules? Seriously, 674 yards. You’re thinking, they must have thrown the ball on every play. You’d be wrong. They passed 56 times, but they also ran the ball 44 times. Meaning they managed to run 100 offensive plays. The average team in college football is averaging about 64 this year. How did this happen? Especially because Kansas ran 72 plays themselves. It wasn’t like they turned the ball over on the first play every time. I have no idea how this game featured 172 plays. Anyway, Oklahoma won 45-31.

10. Ohio State eviscerated Michigan State. Meaning it might well be another twenty years before Michigan State gets to go back to the Rose Bowl. But they can still beat Michigan this weekend, right? State fans are kicking dirt clods outside their UP Winnebagos. Right? Meanwhile, Ohio State and Penn State decides the Rose Bowl for the Big Ten before November is even here.

11. UVA upset North Carolina in overtime. What if Al Groh won the ACC this year? Your world is spinning in reverse right now, isn’t it? UVA is now 2-1 in conference and has a chance to take over the Coastal Division lead with a game at Georgia Tech this weekend.

12. The first BCS standings are out. Texas and Alabama are in the top spots. Not for long. I personally guarantee a loss for Alabama this weekend in Knoxville. It’s happening. Write it down and remember who told you first. In fact, wager your life savings on the Alabama favored by 6 line. That worked very well for everyone who took my advice on Texas Tech-Nebraska. As a consolation prize in advance, this lovely Alabama girl has lost her top. Oh my. She must be cold.

Ten other things that stuck out this weekend:

1. Does anyone else feel like the Terrelle Pryor run with one minute left against Wisconsin was the first of many such plays that will leave opposing Big Ten fans ripping out the hair on their "bad-ass" goatees? Pryor scored at half speed. The most dangerous thing about Pryor right now? He never seems to be in a hurry. The game is already slow enough for him that he can control the pace. Witness Wisconsin’s rushing defenders who have to move slower because they’re worried about rushing past him and giving up a big play. Yep, he's a true freshman and he’s already dictating the speed of the game.

It’s uncanny. There are 80,000 opposing fans screaming at him, his team has to have a touchdown on a final drive, and he trots into the end zone on a quarterback keeper without being touched. It’s Vince Young-ian—before Vince Young went crazy. Also, and this is key, VY was a redshirt freshman by the time he started playing significant minutes and he didn’t start outright until his redshirt sophomore season. Pryor’s already there and he’s a true freshman. It’s enough to make Ohio State fans want to burn incense in Maurice Clarrett’s honor because thanks to his getting shot down by challenging the NFL’s three-year draft rule, the Buckeyes are guaranteed three years with Pryor. Hell, maybe by the time he leaves they'll have done the impossible...beaten a single SEC team.

2. Alabama doesn’t walk on water. At least not when they play Kentucky. If Kentucky’s quarterback doesn’t drop the ball in the end zone, Alabama might lose at home to Kentucky for the first time in the history of the two football programs. Instead they managed to hang on for a 17-14 win. On the papyrus scrolls bearing images of his victories that must be lain down before He takes a single step, in the Book of Saban this win will be called, "The Immortal Conquest of the Bluegrass."

3. Penn State survived their first of four consecutive tests to determine whether Joe Pa can become the first senile BCS Champion with a workmanlike 20-6 win over Purdue. The offense wasn’t as impressive as they had been but the defense was even better. Can they win on the road at Wisconsin this weekend? Joe Pa thinks so. Of course Joe Pa thinks Wisconsin is actually in Florida, so that's a bit of a geographic challenge.

4.Tennessee beat a sub-par MAC team 13-9 en route to rolling up 225 yards of total offense. What’s the worst thing about this? On the drive back from the game, I found myself thinking, “We played pretty well.” And we beat a MAC team by 4 at home. Awesome.

5. Virginia beats Maryland 31-0 even though Maryland was favored by 14 points. That’s a 45 point swing vs. the spread. College football—making oddsmakers jump off buildings since 1895. If anyone knows of a website that lists the largest swings in outcome every year, I’d love to see it. For instance a few years ago Louisville went down to South Florida favored by 28 and lost by like 40. The difference between the spread and the result was over 60 points. This would be a superb and cautionary ad for the NCAA to put together to try and discourage people from gambling on their games.

6. FSU triumphed over Miami after almost blowing a 24 point lead and Illinois came into the Big House, went down 14-3 and then outscored Michigan 42-6 in the final three quarters. Long live the Zooker. Death to the Zooker. In somewhat related news, Chris Weinke just had sex with his 4,000,032nd Florida State undergrad.

7. USC bounced back to crush Oregon. In the process of destroying Oregon in the fourth quarter, USC ensured that they are the only Pac-10 team ranked in the top 25. Lending further credence to my suggestion that the Mountain West Conference take out newspaper ads proclaiming their eventual conference champion the Pac-10 champ as well.

8. The Big 12 demonstrated there’s a severe gap between their top 4 and everyone else. Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Missouri and Texas went on the road for conference games and won by 30, 32, 35, and 24 respectively. And these aren’t deceptive margins. None of these games was ever close.

9. Chase Daniel is going to win the Heisman unless he gets injured. Go ahead and write this in stone. It’s the gospel truth. Daniel looks like he’s playing a video game. And, be honest, if he showed up to play in a weekly football game with your buddies, no one would pick him for at least the first ten picks. Then, you’d probably put him on the line and tell him to run five-yard outs while your accountant friend got to play quarterback. Eventually you’d give him one snap at quarterback and he’d throw a 70 yard touchdown pass without even taking a step. Then, at halftime he’d disappear for ten minutes and when he came back your accountant’s girlfriend would be pregnant.

10. Vanderbilt beat Auburn for the first time since 1955 on Saturday. Auburn played their usual, choke you out football, going up 13-0 and then refusing to adopt such modern offensive plays as the “forward pass” and the “toss sweep.” Instead, they were content to wait for Vanderbilt to self-destruct and give them the win. And it almost worked.

Play of the game? Vanderbilt back-up quarterback Mackenzi Adams is on a second down quarterback sneak and has just broken into the open field. If he keeps going and gets the first down all Vanderbilt will have to do is take a knee. Instead, and inexplicably, he drops the football. It bounces behind him and lays tantalizingly on the field. Then, he runs back and covers it. In the past five decades, that ball would have been scooped up and returned for a touchdown. But not this year and not on Saturday. As the second best College Gameday sign said, “The Geeks shall inherit the turf.” Although, to be fair, the best sign of the day (in an otherwise weak class) was, “My butler went to Auburn.” Succinct, arrogant, devastating and self-mocking (I’m sure the student’s butler really went to Miss. State). Well played Vandy, well played.

Ohio State (-2) at Wisconsin- When Wisconsin blew a 19-0 second half lead, this game went from a potential coronation of Bret Bielema to Nick Saban-level rockstar status, to a must-win for Wisconsin to remain alive in the Rose Bowl chase. Sure, you could bet on Ohio State losing three games in the Big Ten, but you could also bet on Stuart Scott winning an Olympic gold medal in archery. Thanks to the loss at Michigan, Ohio State can open up a 2.5 game lead over Wisconsin with a win. Better get those quarters loaded up in the marshmallows.

Missouri (-10) at Nebraska- Remember back in 1997 when it took a miracle for Nebraska to win at Missouri?

(Apologies to Missouri fans for dredging up that memory.)

Now Missouri is going on the road and the home team has won the last six in this series. Missouri hasn't won at Nebraska since 1978. Let me repeat that, 1978. That's 15 consecutive losses. Yet Missouri is ten point favorites in this game. Put this one on your radar and if Nebraska is within a touchdown in the second half, switch over and watch, it could get really interesting. Especially since Chase Daniel just went on television and asked Nebraska fans to bring him 14 virgins as his pregame meal.

Oregon at Southern Cal (-16)- True or false, this is the smallest margin USC will be favored by in the Pac-10 all season? I'm thinking true. Nine days after their beatdown at Oregon State, USC gets a chance to take out their frustrations on the other state school. Am I the only person who pictures Mark Sanchez making a round at the sorority houses to personally apologize for the loss at Oregon State.

By the way, how amazing was that Utah-Oregon State finish last night? You can breathe easier, the pathway to a match-up of undefeated BYU and undefeated Utah remains clear. Question, if BYU wins this game in November can Mormons strip off their Mormon underpants and swing them around their head? Or is that verboten?

UConn at North Carolina (-7)- I will now quietly pocket the $20 fee that UConn's athletic department continues to float in my direction for always finding their games interesting. Particularly the lines. Move along now kids, nothing to see hear.

Texas Tech (-6.5) at Kansas State- Honestly, I know nothing about Kansas State's football team. But the over/under in this game is 66. Seriously, 66. Tech is averaging 45.8 points a game and Kansas State is averaging 47. That's insane. And Texas Tech is only a 6.5 point favorite. Based on the statistics the match-up between Graham Harrel and Josh Freeman (they've combined for 23 touchdown passes already) is going to be the best this weekend. Plus, there's always the possibility that Mike Leach will let his team loot and pillage in Manhattan, Kansas if they win.

Florida State at Miami (-3)- Admit it, you had no idea this game was happening this weekend either, did you? Remember when this game would dominate the weekend and you couldn't escape how huge it was? Now, you've just realized this game was going on, sort of idly thought, "Eh, whatever, I'll check the final score if I have time after watching an undefeated Vandy play in ESPN primetime." Wait, what?

(A refresher on what Florida State has meant to college football over the years.)

Auburn (-3.5) at Vandy- Vandy fans are going to hate to hear this, but get past Auburn and all of a sudden you have to say to hell with only qualifying for a bowl game and start thinking about whether you could contend for the SEC East title. I know, I know, blasphemy. But, say Vandy beats Auburn to go to 5-0 (3-0 in the SEC). Next week they play at Miss. State. Another game they can win. Later in the season the Dores go to Kentucky. Win both those and you get to 5 SEC wins. Then, beat just one of Georgia, Tennessee (which given the way things are going they might be favored in), and Florida and you're at 6 wins. Probably good enough to win the SEC East this year. Or at least to tie for the crown.

Meanwhile, for Auburn, the question becomes do you go with a talented but dumb and likely to make a mistake Kody Burns or a weak-armed but smart Chris Todd? Second, does it even matter? Yes, unless he's deflowered Tommy Tuberville's prized cow on the plains, Kody Burns has to start. He's the only Auburn offensive player that makes any defense the least bit nervous. Of course Tommy Tuberville is so distrustful of his offense that he's already planning on winning this game 2-0. Point being, the winner of this game will put up less than 20 points. Book it.

Texas (-14) at Colorado- I don't really have much to say about this game. Just quite a few friends who went to Colorado or live in Boulder and have been talking about how awesome it's going to be to valet their bikes for this game. How pumped are Colorado fans about this game. They've all taken off their hemp anklets. Be afraid Longhorn fans, very afraid.

Penn State (-14) at Purdue- Penn State is the only team in American with a stadium that seats 100,000 people, a coach dueling to be the winningest coach of all-time, and an undefeated record in the Big Ten. Yet no one is paying any attention to them. At least not for any reasons that have to do with actually playing football games. It's all about the arrests and a program spiraling out of control. Thanks ESPN. Which is interesting because this has been a pretty disciplined football team that has put up 66, 45, 55, 45, and 38 points in the first five weeks of the season. Damn.

This game at Purdue begins the four-game stretch run in the Big Ten that will define Penn State's season. Following Purdue, Penn State goes to Wisconsin, hosts Michigan, and finishes up at Ohio State.

Kentucky at Alabama (-16)- Would Kentucky plans please stop talking about your number one scoring defense in the country? Please? You've beaten two non D-1 teams (Norfolk State and Western Kentucky), dodged a hail-mary loss against MTSU, and beat Louisville on the road. Only the last game is that impressive. And that was over a month ago. Now you're going on the road at Alabama for the CBS game and you'd think Alabama was having to play the 1970's Steel Curtain defense.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban has decreed that he will no longer walk on any surface but papyrus scrolls that have been illustrated to feature prominent moments in his life. (Beating Georgia last week, leaving Michigan State, signing Daunte Culpepper to a huge contract.) Already Alabama has a sign-up list to illustrate Saban's papyrus scrolls that is 14 years long. Yep, Saban is Gilgamesh.

Each week more signs appear behind the stage at ESPN's College Gameday. Some are original and funny (Knowshon Crossing sign with his leaping outline), some are entirely inside jokes (let's make a sign with our friend's name on it and hold it up for three hours early in the morning), and some are deemed offensive and are destroyed by ESPN heavies. Which brings us to the sign posted above, "Lou Holtz Spits, Mark May Swallows." It comes to me via reader Pete and he says, " By 10:05 AM ESPN had already confiscated it and broken it apart, but it did set off quite a commotion the few minutes it was up."

So now you know if you're interested in trying to sneak your sign past the heavies at ESPN, you're out of luck. Unless that sign says, "Lee Corso is a penis", then you may survive for a little while. I've always thought that Gameday doesn't take advantage of this signage enough. For instance, what if they actually made Desmond Howard do something, anything worthwhile on the show, and put him to work selecting the five best signs of the day and bringing them on set for the final segment? Or the top three signs? Actually, given his sense of humor Howard might not be the best choice. But wouldn't this be a great idea? To acknowledge all the fans who show up early in the morning and scream and yell and make the show such a success. Granted "Lou Holtz spits, Mark May Swallows" is not going to make the cut, but for original signs with good humor, wouldn't it be cool to encourage the creativity? Instead of, you know, taking a college kid's sign and breaking it up after deeming it offensive. (Offensive is a stretch here anyway, Lou Holtz does spit and Mark May does swallow...sometimes, or he would die.) Could Pete have gotten away with, "Lou Holtz Expectorates and Mark May Ingests." I think so.

I want to know which ESPN guru is in charge of deciding whether a sign is offensive or not. I'm picturing this bespectacled guy sitting in front of a large HD screen on the Gameday bus, television images reflected off his glasses, laptop in lap, and googling sign phrases with laser-like focus. Then he has like fifteen guys dressed entirely in black (the ESPN shockforce), snaps his fingers, and Gino Torretta goes outside and wreaks havoc. Either that or they borrow David Pollack from CBS and send him out to say, "Golly gee, y'all should have known better," and Pollack throws the signs down and then skips from one side of the sign to another, smiling at you all the while, as he destroys your sign.

Anyway, if you've ever wondered whether ESPN brings the muscle to break down offensive signs, now you know. On to 8 other things I noted from this week's games.

1. Someone finally stopped Tim Tebow on a 4th and 1 shotgun sneak. That team was Ole Miss. Prior to this stop, South Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, and Ole Miss had all been victimized by the Tebow fourth down sneak leading to victories. It was believed by many, much like the four minute mile, that this play simply couldn't be bested. And then Ole Miss stopped it. A Houston Nutt coached team stopped it. Wow.

When this final score was announced at UT-Auburn, there was a roar throughout the stadium. A roar so loud that the Florida guys with their sleevless t-shirts and the Florida girls with their bingo wings, felt a sudden chill of air on the backs of their exposed arms. Here's the play.

Note how Ole Miss sends every single player storming into the center of the line. There isn't a single player more than two yards from the line of scrimmage. If Florida goes play action here, they win. Or even with the Tim Tebow jump pass.

New theory: Florida can't handle the rural SEC schools. Ole Miss has won two in a row in the Swamp, Miss. State sent the Zooker packing, and Auburn's owning of the Gators is well-chronicled. There's something about cows that spells Gator disaster. Otherwise how to explain the incongruous site of Ole Miss fans mocking the Gator Chomp with a derogatory chop of their own in Gainesville.

2. Wisconsin blows a 19-0 lead at Michigan and loses. As if that weren't bad enough this was the biggest second-half comeback in Michigan stadium history. That's 500 games. This is one of those losses where if you're a Wisconsin fan you find yourself sitting outside in the fading light staring off into the coming darkness thinking, "No matter what happens, Michigan is always going to be better than we are at football. Always." Michigan had 5 turnovers and only 21 yards of offense in the first half. And they won.

Wisconsin had an undefeated team, was favored, and choked away the second half. How painful was it? Wisconsin scored on a two-point conversion to tie the game but was penalized and failed on the second attempt.

3. Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton is the worst quarterback in my life at UT. He was 8-23 for 67 yards against Auburn. To say that this game was an atrocious display of football is insulting to the word atrocious. From UT giving Auburn a defensive touchdown by failing to execute the always complicated handoff, to Auburn's quarterback, Chris Todd, having the arm strength of a girl's power puff quarterback, this thing was epically bad on every level.

How bad? Auburn's fans booed their team while they were leading in the fourth quarter. How bad part two? Jonathan Crompton's entire quarterbacking skill seems to consist of throwing the ball really hard. He didn't complete a pass for the final 20 minutes of the game. At one point, though, he did manage to throw a three-yard slant pattern 400 miles an hour. No one on earth could have caught this thing. Yep, he's Ricky Vaughn. My book is going to be awesome. It might just end up being an itemized roster of how much money Jonathan Crompton has cost me.

There was no joy in either fan base aw we left the stadium. Everyone looked like they'd just witnessed an execution.

4. Duke beats UVa 31-3. Meaning that Duke, Northwestern, and Vanderbilt are a combined 12-1 this season. The only loss among the three? Northwestern beat Duke. All three are likely to go bowling. As if that weren't enough ESPN's College Gameday just announced yesterday that they're coming to Vanderbilt for the game against Auburn this weekend. Seriously, Vanderbilt is hosting College Gameday. Any Tennessee fan who said that losing offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe wouldn't hurt was a fool. Duke is probably 1-3 without him, UT is 3-1 with him. Anyway, the big news here is that Vanderbilt becomes the smartest school since Williams-Amherst to get College Gameday. I'm expecting signs that are so insulting, biting, and smart that ESPN isn't smart enough to note their sublime subterfuge. Don't disappoint me Vandy, don't disappoint me.

5. Alabama eviscerates Georgia. Much to the chagrin of Georgia fans, I've been one of those people who has been saying all along that Georgia was overvalued relative to the other teams in the SEC. But even I was shocked by this outcome. 31-0 at the half? Imagine how bad it would have been if Georgia hadn't blacked out the stadium.

What's the only thing worse than watching your team lose 14-12? Having to drive back across the whole state of Alabama and listen to Crimson Tide radio announcer Eli Gold have 48 orgasms on the radio.

Here's Eli, pictured above. By the way, can Alabama fans back me up on this, is Eli the only radio announcer on the Crimson Tide broadcast capable of speaking in sentences? Everyone else he had on-air with him just spoke occasional words and then uttered sounds after. How did they select these guys? Worse, who did they beat out? Eli Gold sounds like a Shakepearean actor and his co-workers sound like stand-ins for the missing link.

6. Oklahoma is your new number 1 team after the dust setlles on Saturday's results. The Sooners dispatched TCU 35-10. Four of the top ten lose. Alabama slides in at number 2 after their pasting of Georgia. Three teams from the Big 12 join two from the SEC. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what the hell is going to happen for the rest of the season is a damn fool. Survival is the operative word. Are we headed towards another two-loss national champion? Perhaps.

7. Don't look now but BYU is going to cause some major BCS headaches. They moved up to number 8 and only play one top 25 opponent for the remainder of the season (at home against Utah on the final week of their regular season) With all the attrition up top could BYU end up in the title game? Yeah, they really could.

8. UConn took down Louisville to go to 5-0 and reach the top 25 at 24 with fellow top ten crasher South Florida from the Big East. Which brings us to a second crazy thought, could BYU and South Florida end up in the national championship game? Looking at both of their schedules they'll be favored to be undefeated come season's end (with the possible exception for USF's season finale on December 6th at West Virginia). Fans would demand a playoff then, right? Right?

But, before we get to the weekend's six most interesting games, a bit more on USC-Oregon State. I hope you got a chance to watch. Thank God for Thursday night football. Otherwise this game would have kicked off on whatever crappy Fox affiliate carries the game, you'd have seen a score update sometime around 11 and started madly flipping through your cable channels to find out whether or not you even got the game. Only to find out that you don't get the station. Or if you did get it, you'd already be out the bar wallowing in your own team's loss or celebrating their victory. Thanks to the Thursday broadcast we at least had the opportunity to watch what went down.

Games like this are what make college football the most unpredictable sport in America. Oregon State was a 25 point underdog. In the entire NFL season there won't be a 25 point underdog. The crowd was out of control, Oregon State got a couple of good breaks (a would-be interception turns into a touchdown pass with four seconds left in the first half?) and USC proves their mortal.

Why do I enjoy watching and writing so much about college football? For the way momentum takes over the game. College players are held sway by the powers of their emotions much more than professional players. And a huge part of that is college crowds. Did you see how crazy the Oregon State students were? It was a mosh pit that featured a football game. There's a purity to this sporting emotion, a fullness to the hate. I firmly believe that Oregon State students hate USC. Their perceived arrogance, their perfect tans, their sunglasses, their fake breasts, their jock-itch, their Song Girls, and their constant ESPN-fellation. So much distate is manufactured for public consumption these days that I just don't believe most of it. When it comes to college games, I believe it.

It's rare that I watch a sporting event featuring teams I don't care about and think, "Man, I wish I was there." Last night I wished I was in Corvallis, Oregon. Corvallis. Forget pointing to Corvallis, I couldn't even point to the correct region on a map of Oregon. And neither could you. But last night, I wish I was there. And so do you. Anyway, here's your primer on the six most intriguing games of the weekend

UConn at Louisville (-2.5)- Apologies to the UConn fans who have been emailing asking how I haven't noted UConn's inexorable rise to Big East dominance. UConn's 4-0 but looked bad against Baylor last week. Louisville is 2-1 since their debacle at home against Kentucky. Why is this game worth watching? Because the line jumped out at me and because last year's game featured that immortal called fair-catch that turned into a punt return touchdown. This play was the difference for last year's UConn win. Anyway, this is another strange UConn line. Louisville is favored even though they haven't done much of anything this season. Does UConn have the strangest lines of any team so far this season? I think so.

Arkansas at Texas (-27)- Arkansas fans are sitting in their outhouses, tearing pages off the old Sears and Roebuck catalogs repeating over and over again, "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius," "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius,", "Bobby Petrino is an offensive genius." Which makes them all sort of sound like elementary school kids saying they don't believe in the Bell Witch while they turn around in circles in front of a mirror. (Did people only do this in the South?) The theory was that a reflection of the Bell Witch would appear in the mirror. Anyway, what do both of these scenerios have in common? Merely saying the same thing over and over again, doesn't make it so. Arkansas is the worst team in the SEC by a wide margin. Should be some fireworks. Unfortunately for Arkansas, they couldn't refuse to reschedule this game after Ike.

Marshall at West Virginia (-15)- If Bill Stewart found a way to lose this game would he survive the night in Morgantown/Deadwood? I don't think so. What's more, I think it would turn into one of those The Wire-esque murders where everyone in the whole stadium knew what happened, why it happened, and who the shooter was but no one would talk. Come Sunday morning a few weary souls just trudge up the muddy hillside overlooking town and pound in an old wooden cross, say a few words ("A lifetime ago, Bill Stewart beat Oklahoma. Them was the days.") and life moves on. But, surely, surely, Bill Stewart isn't going to follow up road losses to East Carolina and Colorado with a home loss to Marshall, right? West Virginia fans would respond if they weren't so busy digging out their end-times shelter and restocking it with pork and beans.

Tennessee at Auburn (-6.5)- The reason I'm in Birmingham is to head over to this game. Going to Tennessee games is becoming like Chinese water torture. You know the drip of watery failure is coming, you're just not sure when. Will my team fumble inside the five, get a punt blocked for a touchdown or allow a punt-return for a touchdown, false start on a key third down play or jump offsides on a key third down play, there are so many questions and so few answers. Having said all that, anyone who has a clue what's going to happen in this game is a fool. The only certainty is it's going to be like two bingo winged Florida chicks kissing, painful yet you cannot look away. True story, former Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges was at last week's LSU game and sat in the stands quizzically staring down at the field. Thinking, "You fired me for this?"

Wisconsin (-6) at Michigan- Michigan and Tennessee's lockstop of college football awkwardness continues for yet another season. These programs are mirror images of one another. As I've said before, Michigan and Tennessee are to college football what dry humping is to sex. Both teams get you worked up and excited and then, inevitably, let you down and leave you chafed. There's a really good double entendre here with the spread offense but I'm just not seeing it. Anyway, Wisconsin is the last, greatest hope of the Big Ten not named Terrelle Pryor.

At some point Michigan has to recognize that their defense isn't that bad and stop forcing the offense to give away points running an ill-suited scheme, right? Just to keep the games close. Probably not, but they should. If you're a Wisconsin fan this line being so low is a bit alarming. You're having your best season in a decade, Michigan is having their worst, and Michigan is still only a six point underdog?

Alabama at Georgia (-6.5)- Georgia fraternity guy riding through campus in his Toyota 4-Runner discussing the game: "Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black! Woof, woof! Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black! Woof, woof. Turn up the Dave Matthews, dude. Oh My Fucking God, Georgia is wearing black!"

Did you hear that Georgia is wearing black jerseys? That's huge. They're having a blackout. Which is different than keeping black's out of the game. That would limit the offensive explosiveness. Hopefully no one makes the latter mistake in a show of excessive blackout glee.

Without a doubt this is Saturday's best game. If Georgia wins they're number one in the country, if Alabama wins do they have a legit argument that they should be number one in the country? Maybe. But, remember, Alabama's strength coach thinks Georgia's wearing black because they're going to a fucking funeral.

(It's at the 1:04 mark and is kind of hard to hear. Not so hard to hear that Mark Richt hasn't run with this and been appearing dressed entirely in black for his press conferences.)

Strength coaches are the craziest bastards connected to sports. Seriously, they are. Usually you don't get to hear what they say because it's so graphic even 18 year old football players are like, "Man, I don't think he should have said that."

The hat arrived Wednesday and workers began immediately to put it into the stadium, using a 150-foot crane to hoist it behind section U4 in the north end zone. Weighing 550 pounds, the fiberglass houndstooth hat will sit above the concession stand at an angle so fans can see the front and top of the hat, said Diana Evans, a spokeswoman for the Connecticut-based company.

Thank god it's at an angle. Otherwise tons of Alabama fans would be standing around trying to figure out what the top of a hat looks like. Or to make sure Jimmy Johns wasn't dealing coke off the crown.

Hungry? Go to the houndstooth hat [Tuscaloosa News]