Alex Rodriguez
Broke unicorn's hearts.
Kissed a mirror.
Met a Spitzer madam.
Dated alleged actress.
Clutched!
Centaured.

No other player has been so afflicted with the terrible pop psychology of sportswriters as Alex Rodriguez, and even now that he's just won the championship that he was supposedly too selfish and inner-directed to win, Rodriguez is being subjected to yet more inane psychologizing. Here's Ronald Blum of the Associated Press:

But this was a new A-Rod, liberated and transformed in his 16th big league season. Finally starting to grow up at age 34, he shed the distractions caused by his $275 million contract and an entourage of handlers he picked up from Madonna. He glowed in his relationship with new girlfriend Kate Hudson.

Ted Keith of SI.com:

If the legacies of Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Andy Pettitte and Jorge Posada were crystallized by their fifth world title, then in winning his first, Rodriguez's was transformed. He may still be slightly vain — a centaur? Really? — and may still be highly ambitious, but he has undoubtedly acquired a new level of humility that, in fairness, may have been hard to come by as he was performing like the best player in the world (winning three MVP awards in five seasons) and being paid like it (signing not one but two contracts in excess of a quarter-billion dollars just seven years apart).

That transformation began with his much-dissected press conference, but the real impetus for change came a few weeks later when he went to lunch with some friends of his and heard them "tell me a lot of things that I needed to hear," he says. "I listened and I humbled myself. I look in the mirror and I was honest with myself and I didn't like what I saw."

This all makes for a pleasant story arc — ooh! he's having another moment in front of a mirror — but it's nonsense, and one day, Rodriguez will have a good chuckle over it while polishing his World Series ring. Does anyone really believe he went .365/.500/.808 because he located some new wellspring of humility? Or because he shed those infamous "distractions," stopped counting his money and fetched up with a more PG-13 celebrity? He hit .365/.500/.808 because he's one of the greatest hitters of his generation, Kate Hudson or no.

Consider: As a regular, A-Rod has now figured in 11 playoff series; by my reckoning, he played poorly in only three of them. In the others, he was good, if not brilliant: .409/.480/.773 for Seattle in the 2000 ALCS against the Yankees; .421/.476/.737 with the Yankees in the 2004 ALDS against the Twins. He very nearly went 0-for-Detroit in 2006, but otherwise, even discounting his supposed Great Awakening this season, Rodriguez has enjoyed the sort of postseason success that the Mike Lupicas of the world are usually so quick to label "clutch." That they never did was probably out of fealty to the public image of a wealthy, sybaritic loser that they had so laboriously constructed for A-Rod. But he was great before, and he was great again, and the only transformation that took place was in the imaginations of those sportswriters who never tire of assigning moral value to things that happen in a baseball game.

A-Rod finally a champion after year of turmoil [AP]
From steroids to celebrations, what a year it's been for Alex Rodriguez [SI.com]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry's back tonight, and I'm sure he'll have some pleasant and totally sufferable thoughts to share about the World Series.

I appreciate that this Philly fan wanted to honor the FCC's truth in advertising statutes, but I'm not sure if it was really necessary. Alex Rodriguez knows what he is. Still, it may have been just enough of a distraction to hold the slugger to only 3 RBI and force the Yankees to try and win the World Series in their fancy new stadium. Just one or two more World Series games and they can finally pay that thing off.

And I guess Cliff Lee and Chase Utley helped a little too. You're not getting off that easy, baseball fans.

* * * * *

It's Tuesday and I guess this thing isn't ever ending. Yankee baseball players are always on the TV, but what can I do?

Our first repeat winner, but it's hard to argue that he doesn't deserve it since he's finally earning a lifetime of $250 million contracts in one shortlong month. ("The New Mr. October and New Mr. November!") After Games 1 and 2 of the World Series (0-8, 6 Ks) it looked like all his post-season "failures" were coming back to haunt him once again. Then, with the Yankees in trouble in Game 3, he bounces one off a camera to start the rally and then comes up with another huge hit—under pressure even!—to give himself the game-winning RBI in Game 4. Plus, he got hit by a pitch three times in two days, because intentional walks just aren't rough enough for this guy.

You know what? I'm just going to say it. If there's anyone on the planet who can get away with hanging a painting of himself depicted as a mighty centaur over his bed, it's Alex Rodriguez. He's got True Yankee coming out of his ... well, everywhere.

Alex Rodriguez earns "true Yankee' status [Allentown Morning Call]
A-Rod all about quality, not quantity in Series [Daily News]
The 2009 MLB Season Has Belonged To A-Rod [Rumors and Rants]
Cashing in with the best team that money can buy [AP]
Matthews: A-Rod is now a postseason powerhouse [Newsday]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Johnny Damon: The real hero last night, Damon got a huge hit off Brad Lidge then stole two bases to set up A-Rod's big moment. Didn't he used to play in Rhode Island or something?

Vince Young: By waiting until his team played a very beatable Jacksonville squad (and until the Titans' season was pretty much over) to work his way into the starting lineup, Vince Young looks like a hero again. It was a very sane and mentally balanced performance. [The Tennessean]

Ted Ginn: Two 100-yard kickoff returns and 299 total kick return yards after not being allowed to start the game at WR. Obviously, he's much too valuable to be allowed to play offense. Also, I think the Jets might have some concerns on special teams. [Star-Ledger]

Unidentified Minnesota Quarterback: Yeah, yeah. I know.

Texas Longhorns: UT leapt over Alabama in the polls and the BCS simply because the Tide took the week off. Pussies. [AP]

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!: For the first time in 27 years, the NYC Marathon was won by a goddamn red-blooded American. (Who was born in Eritrea.) We will take that. [New York Times]

And the Weekend Loser?: The Oakland Raiders Receiving Corps. Just the way they drew it up.

Let's cut right to the chase here, because there is no side-stepping the absolute ridiculousness of it. In an *EXCLUSIVE* story, US Weekly reports that a former lov-ah characterizes Rodriguez as a narcissist of sorts, going so far as to have two portraits of himself depicted as a centaur.

"He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"

Adds the ex, "It was ridiculous."

Hoo boy. Apparently, one portrait hung over his bed. No word on the location of the other painting. Perhaps hanging above his ha-tub?

Moving on, Kate Hudson, A-Rod's current flame, has a tendency to gush during about their spirited bouts of Skanko-Roman wrestling.

"They love sex!" a pal tells Us Weekly of the pair who began dating in May. "They talk about it all day. Kate gets graphic talking about his body, even to her parents."

Holy crap! A couple is passionate about their lovemaking at the beginning of their relationship? Scandalous! All I know is Chris Robinson is weeping. Not because of Kate Hudson, his ex, but because he just ran out of grass. I hate it when that happens.

We have long suspected that Mr. Rodriguez may have some "issues," but if this is true, it really takes the cake. I mean, a centuar? Come on. How very droll. Sure, with the vast sums of money I have accumulated from sports blogging, I recently commissioned a painting of me as a minotaur, but since a minotaur is a man with a bull's head, it turned out just to be a regular old portrait of me. I guess I should have consulted my Dungeons & Dragons Monster's Manual beforehand. I'll never get that money back.

Nevertheless, a centaur is an interesting choice, especially for A-Rod. Wouldn't have a satyr, in particular the god Pan, been more appropriate? Not due to Rodriguez's penchant for Dionysian revelry, but because he's on his way to being the goat of the World Series?

Get it? You do? Still not laughing? Oh.

(Image courtesy of the wonderfully-talented Jason Fry of the Mets blog, Faith and Fear in Flushing)

Exclusive: Ex: A-Rod Had Portraits of Himself as Centaur Hanging Over His Bed [US Weekly]
A-Rod Has Some Very Peculiar Taste in Art [Last Angry Fan]

There are two keys to any great Halloween costume—originality and recognition factor. It's a very delicate and tricky balance, especially when it comes to something large swaths of the population don't give a crap about, like famous athletes. So consider your potential audience. You could go with something that everyone will get—like say, Brett Favre—but risk being the 16th person to show up at the party wearing a No. 4 jersey. Real clever. Or you could go obscure—like say, Howie Schwab—and risk having people think you're a confused Hartford Whalers fan who just wandered into the wrong bar. Even Howie himself would be stumped by that costume.

So how do you find the perfect outfit that will blow everyone way simply because no one else ever thought they could pull it off? Don't ask me. For the 29th year in a row, I will be going as Tweety-Bird. It won me the $3 first-prize at the Fire Department Cake Walk/Children's Halloween Parade in 1980 and I will continue to dance with the one the brung me. However, I would like to offer a couple suggestions.

For the ladies:

Bad Costume Idea: "Naked Erin Andrews." Seriously, New York Post. That's just ... wow.
Better Costume Idea: Lingerie Football Player. No one will get what you're actually going for, but it won't matter because "Hey, it's a girl in lingerie." You and every other sexy witch/maid/cop/cheerleader/nurse/insect/etc.....
Best Costume Idea: Zola Budd. Get a South African running singlet, a bad 80's wig and then walk around tripping people all night. Just try to avoid any parties with guests under 30 years old.

For the mens:

Bad Costume Idea: "George Brett Crapping His Pants." I'm sorry, did you not want to get laid on the sluttiest holiday of the year?

(Slightly) Better Costume Idea: "Kenny Powers." When done right (as it is here) it could be effective, but KMF'nP is a little played out. Try something more obscure like "Roy Hobbs" or "Arli$$." (Everyone loves Robert Wuhl!) [Photo by Kevin R.]
(Much) Better Costume Idea: "Adrian Peterson, In Nike Battle Armor." Degree of difficulty extremely high, but if you can simulate the hexagonal scaly skin thing—without devolving into an offensive blackface minstrel show—you will not only creep everyone out, you will have your finger on the pulse of American advertising. Excellent product placement opportunities.
Best Costume Idea: "Alex Rodriguez's Mirror." Invite ladies to stare longingly at your purple lips and bulging pectorals. Little do they know, your costume is actually a secret kissing booth.

Aww, yeah.

Whatever you choose, send us the pics of yourself, your friends, or anyone you run into who goes above and beyond this weekend and we'll run a big gallery on Monday. Please keep the submissions to sports-related costumes. I don't want to spend my entire morning deleting 500 Zombie Balloon Boy emails next week. (Seriously, if you're going as him or any dead celebrity from 2009 then you have zero imagination. Just stay home and read the encyclopedia or something.)

Have you heard? Alex Rodriguez is the new Mr. October because he's all about baseball now. He's not about Madonna or money or Scott Boras or steroids or any of those other things he was supposedly all about before he was all about baseball. Joe Buck says so. Joe Buck can read body language, and right now Alex Rodriguez's lower lumbar is telling Joe Buck, "Alex Rodriguez is all about baseball."

Which is more than we can say for any of these others guys, especially Nick Swisher. Right, Steve Politi of the Newark Star-Ledger?

The number was illuminated for everyone to see in bright Hollywood lights.

There it was, dead center on the scoreboard, and Nick Swisher had to stare at it as he stepped to the plate. .107. His postseason batting average.

He had not just been a little bit bad in the postseason. He had been epically bad, dumpster-out-in-the-hot-sun-smelling bad, and the way his teammates were hitting, he was adding a lousy lounge singer to this rock-star of a lineup.

[...]

How many more at-bats can manager Joe Girardi possibly give this guy to turn it around?

Girardi has shown faith in his right fielder, rewarding his 29-home run, 82-RBI regular season. He has been a popular figure in the loosey-goosey clubhouse, one of the reasons the Yankees went from button-down to pie-in-the-face during this 103-win season.

"Guys are going to struggle during the course of the season and you just don't give up on a guy if he is struggling because the flip side of that is they are due to get hot," Girardi said before Game 5. "We feel good about Swish."

But everything has his limits, and now the manager should play somebody else - anybody else - to try a different look. Put in Brett Gardner. He might not be an upgrade, but could he possibly be worse?

(Yes.)

Nick Swisher is hitting .103 in the postseason in 29 at-bats. Maybe, like his famous teammate, he'll be all about baseball over the next couple of games and go 3-for-5 in each. His batting average would then jump 130 points, and he'd be, in Politi's terms, no worse than an average-smelling dumpster in a cool sun.

Or I suppose Girardi could heed Politi's advice and, on the basis of 29 at-bats, bench a guy who hit 29 home runs and walked 97 times in 498 regular-season at-bats. Sometimes you just have to make a move, small sample be damned. This is the big time, the limelight, the show of shows, and as we all know, some guys just don't have what it takes.

Politi: NY Yankees can't afford to give struggling Nick Swisher another at-bat [Star-Ledger, via Rob Neyer]
Hughes blows it again [New York Post]
Girardi moves let Angels rally back into ALCS [New York Post]
Instead of finishing off Los Angeles Angels, A.J. Burnett fails New York Yankees [New York Daily News]

Remember back in April when A-Rod's entire career was in danger of becoming the punch line to a terrible joke about steroids? People were wondering if any of his 500+ home runs could be considered legitimate. Now he's the new Mr. October. Seriously, everyone is saying it now. Every. One.

In five playoff games, he has 3 game-tying home runs in the 7th inning or later. He leads his team in hits, batting average, home runs, RBI and smiles. He might be more fertile than ever. Even a New York tabloid is forced to admit that Alex is the man this year. He's a dream teammate. Mr. Clutch. Dare I say it ... a true Yankee?

As usual, winning cures everything. Even bacne. (Oh, good. The bad jokes are still available.)

Alex Rodriguez is the main reason why New York Yankees are up 2-0 in ALCS [New York Daily News]
A-Rod morphing into new Mr. October? [Yahoo! Sports]
A-Rod has become 'Mr. October' [AP]
[Photo: AP]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

The New Orleans Saints: Seven touchdowns to seven different players against a "real" defense, should pretty much make them the team to beat (for now.) Plus, Drew Brees has enough grit to fix a dozen levees. [USA Today]

Tom Brady: Six touchdowns. That's a lot, right? [Boston Herald]

Cliff Lee: Good thing for Philly that the Roy Halladay trade never worked out. [Philly Daily News]

Alabama Football: Not that it matters until they face each other, but Florida's pathetic showing against Arkansas means the Tide are now ranked No. 1 in the AP poll. (Gators are still No. 1 in the BCS, however.) You know, if all you watched were Alabama games the SEC wouldn't look so tough. [Crimson White]

Brett Favre: I know. I know.... [Baltimore Sun]

And new this week ... the Weekend Loser: A lot of good candidates, but I'm going to say the Tennessee Titans, for their pillow-soft effort against New England. I know it was snowy and all, but at least pretend like you give a shit. Maybe those Houston Oiler throwbacks are just making them feel guilty?

Column: This is the worst Titans team ever [The Tennessean]

Page Six reports that New York brass has warned the women to stop talking shit about A-Rod's ladyfriend to the press, a smear campaign allegedly orchestrated by head Mean Girls Minka Kelly and Laura Posada. Kelly, specifically, is said to be upset with Hudson's constant front row and nightlife appearances.

The Yankees told the girls to be careful who they spoke to about Kate. They are concerned about the ramifications for the players."

The feud between the starlets (though I'm not sure Kate, with how she's looking these days, deserves that moniker anymore) doesn't seem to have torn apart the clubhouse, as Kelly has re-energized Jeter in a way that Vanessa Minillo and Jessica Biel couldn't, while a single and happy Rodriguez is shaking off his October stigma.

No word on whether the ladies disapprove of Hideki Matsui's left hand.

No Hate For Kate [NY Post]

Here's how the Toronto Star described this incident:

Reaching the warning track, he lunged, but missed the ball, unintentionally groping the female police officer sitting against the stands – not once but twice. For the first time in years, Alex Rodriguez was cheered good-naturedly at the Rogers Centre.

Geez, man. Get a room. (There's a bunch of them right in the stadium even!) Of course, as fans of Alex's many dalliances remember well, Toronto has always been one of his preferred pick up spots. Hey, the man knows what he likes. (Hint: It involves maple syrup.)

A-Rod Cops A Feel [The Score]
Romero not only one handled by Yankees [Toronto Star]

(*Yes, I know she's not a RCMP, but facts should not be obstacles to a headline.)

Papi's explanation via USA Today:

I definitely was a little bit careless.I was buying supplements and vitamins over the counter ... but I never buy steroids or use steroids.I wanted to apologize to fans for the distraction, my teammates, my manager. This past week has been a nightmare."

Thank you, David. Now, the bigger problem in Red Sox Nation is their floundering ball club. The Bronx nut-punching continued last night as Captain Boli saved the Yankees with a two-run walk-off in the bottom of the 15th. Pie to the face!

The Yankees now hold a 4.5 game lead over the Red Sox and appear poised to run away with the division. Welcome back to the early aughts.

Nausea aside, it's difficult A-Rod hasn't earned the nomination.

Forget the steroids. He's breaking Simmons' heart by dating Penny Lane, turned Selena Roberts into Mike Nifong, deflowered a Spitzer madam, posed ridiculously and, in my favorite Roberts book excerpt, asked women at bars who they thought was hotter, him or Jeter?

And that's all just in 2009. Consider the whole body of work.

But is it it enough to get him in the Hall of Fame? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through the weekend.

PHOTO: The Insider

The Yankees are winning, and winning is so fun that even Hideki Matsui thinks it's acceptable to take a pie in the face. He hit a walk-off homer last night, and at the behest of fun-loving Melky Cabrera and great-humored Alex Rodriguez, he flicked his helmet into the night. It was fated to be picked up by a fawning bat boy, who would give it to the concession stand employees, who would subsequently fill it with two scoops of Carvel and sell it for $3,000 tonight.

But Cabrera and Rodriguez wanted it instead!

And despite giving up four inches to A-Rod, Cabrera outleaped the third baseman and came down with the souvenir. Rodriguez clutched his hands together in faux disappointment — psychoanalysis, anyone? — before realizing that he could just rip the object of his envy right out of Cabrera's grip. So he did.

The precious was his. The Yankees won. There was joy in Middle Earth.

Yankees-Orioles Fastcast [MLB.com]
With walk-off, Yanks grab share of first [Yankees.com]

The long rain delay at last night's Yankees game left enough time for the YES network to show the pre-game national anthem, where one lucky local softball team stood with rapt attention next to some of their heroes. Melky Cabrera appears to be more annoyed by the whole spectacle than Jeter does.

And this girl just can't stop smiling. The one on the right.

H/T: Fackyouk

*****

Good morning. It's Wednesday. Flick it.