•The woman claiming she was assaulted by Ben Roethlisberger drafted an e-mail from Harrah's announcing her resignation: "She is with Big Bens child and ... she has relocated to Pittsburgh. We wish her good luck [she will need it] in her future endeavors." Ben better hope crazy isn't a sexually transmitted disease.

•Allen Iverson Twittered that Memphis has made him an offer, and the Grizzlies confirmed it. We're one step closer to my dream of an AI/Marko Jaric reality show.

•According to McAfee, the Internet searches most likely to give your computer a virus are Jessica Biel, Beyoncé, Jennifer Aniston and...Tom Brady! Obviously the safest athlete to search for is A.C. Green.

•After a federal ruling, the list of MLB players who tested positive for PEDs could be destroyed. So you can stop sending in those fake lists that have been circulating. Seriously, Ruben Sierra? Yeah, that's believable.

•Rumors fly that Michael Vick is purchasing a $1.3 million home in Philadelphia. We remind you that his contract is only for $1.6 million. Math fail could explain why he's facing a bankruptcy hearing.

•We heard about those Vikings who preferred Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Now comes the emergence of a third faction. First sacrificing goats, now men openly pushing for Sage Rosenfels at QB? It's official, these are signs of the apocalypse.

•Hours after talking about feeling "hatred" from Cubs fans, Milton Bradley drives in three and hears nothing but cheers. Hey, there's a novel solution: stop sucking.

•And, courtesy of Second-String Fullback, comes Alex Smith KTFOing Greg Ellis. Way to risk your body to be a benchwarmer, Alex.

Photo: National Post (which has since fixed it).

This definitely is a sign of the times. It was only four years ago that Smith, the No. 1 overall pick by the 49ers, signed a six-year, $49.5 million contract. But injuries and general suckitude led to career numbers of 19 touchdown passes and 31 interceptions in 32 games, leading the Niners to let him go last season.

Smith, however, has seen the life story of Ryan Leaf, and does not intend to participate in a sequel. The 49ers announced today that they've restructured his contract, and while the exact salary isn't known, Pro Football Talk estimates that it's in the $2 million-to-$3 million range. Smith would have made $9.625 million this season under his old deal.

"Alex expressed a deep desire to remain with the team and that feeling was mutual," general manager Scot McCloughan said in a statement.

Actually that's not total spin; Smith, now presumably recovered from a shoulder injury, probably could have made a bit more signing with another team. But what other team would give him the opportunity to compete for a starting spot with Shaun Hill?

Niners Restructure QB Smith's Contract [National Post]
Smith, 49ers Agree To New Deal [San Francisco Chronicle]
Alex Smith Does A New Deal [Pro Football Talk]

So raise a glass for Alex tonight. And now toast new No. 3 QB: Jamie Martin. (Begins feeling woozy. Sits). Momma save us. Head coach Mike Nolan was nostalgic and a bit misty when contemplating the end of his association with the former University of Utah standout.

"All I need to know is if he'll be back on this football team so that I can make an adjustment to our roster," Nolan said. "I don't have any specifics other than that."

I promised myself I wouldn't cry ...

Smith was supposed to be the next big thing in Niner quarterbacking when he got here four years ago, but always seemed to be just a little off; one of those kids whom you describe in terms of potential, until one day you look up and he's been around for four years with nothing to show for it. Well J.T., this really is your team now, proving once again that no Irishman can ever catch a freakin' break.

49ers QB Smith On IR, Likely Ending His Tenure With The Team [San Francisco Chronicle]

Anyway, once again, one of those Dirty Army kids sent in this photo of Smith with his tongue out, possibly inebriated, balanced on a smiling, tramped-out girly-girl and dressed as a priest.

Why on earth would any athlete in their right mind head to Scottsdale at this point? Unless, of course, they actually want to disappoint their coach.

Alex Smith with the holy youth [The Dirty]
Alex Smith Is A Little Looser When South Of The Border [Deadspin]

Here's a thought: What if Matt Leinart and Alex Smith played on the same team? They could carpool, and their drunken party photos could all be released at the same time. Also this photo is funny because I have that same exact hat.

Smith Tries To One-Up Leinart [49ersnews]

Not so fast, Golden. There's an expert out there named John Grohol, with a seemingly made-up title "editorial board member of the Journal of Online Behavior and CyberPsychology & Behavior," who disagrees with The Dirty's business model.

"You could put up 100 photos of 100 random people who are hanging out with 19-year-old girls and nobody will care until the minute you put up a celebrity's photo," this glorified "expert" tells ABC.

He makes a good point. If said 19-year-old girls are getting their faces eaten by, oh, 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, the site becomes a little more entertaining to scroll through.

Honestly, if I were a professional athlete, I'd be absolutely terrified of this site.

Reality Blogging: No Celebs Allowed [ABC News]
Another "Face" Of The Franchise — 49ers Alex Smith [TheDirty.com]