Trouble:

Reading excerpts from Alyssa Milano's upcoming girlie sports fan book, I was shocked, appalled and disgusted. Have all the book editors been laid off, too? Her writing is atrocious.

Why is this book? Milano is a cute girl, sure, and a lesser celebrity. She apparently is really into baseball-or at least really into people admiring her for her ability to tick off rosters and stats and bellow at bad calls. Does she make any valid points about girls ‘n sports, or sports ‘n relationships? Not from what I read; those blathering sentences are stuck together without point, style or reason. Really, this book is yet another narcissistic diary that is an insult to talented sportswriters of either gender.

Girls and women who love and follow sports are not that hard to find. Books written by female athletes, broadcasters or famous fans, about Title IX or the equality challenges faced by women in sports, or essays about how guys hate when women intrude on hallowed boy ground are plentiful and usually ghostwritten by a talented writer, to avoid putrescence such as Safe at Home.

Good for little Sam, though, she needs a boost to her career that doesn't involve FHM.

— Trouble is a web editor and freelance writer based in Denver, CO. The sorry state of media and publishing has her depressed and anxious. Alyssa Milano's stupid book is not helping.

—-—-—-

The Steezer:

First off, I may not like Alyssa Milano, but goddam it, I respect her. Anyone who can make it okay for me to own this is A-OK. Also is it just a coincidence that Milano's TV dad on "Who's the Boss" was a former baseball player? I bet Tony Danza taught her everything she knows about getting to second base. But I digress.

I have long held the belief that guys think girls who like sports are cool, fun, awesome girls…and it's true, we are…but not "girlfriend material." We're buddies. Besties maybe. But most guys are not secure enough to have a girl know more about the BCS formula than they do. I think it makes their testes retract.

So I often find myself holding back from correcting some dude about a sports fact because it's not worth the repercussions. And as someone who likes people to know that I know everything about everything, this is not an easy thing to do. Other traits that guys find cool but undesirable in a romantic partner:

• ability to out-drink them

• excessive recitations of movie/television quotes

• affinity for buffalo wings

If this means I have to live my life as a single lady because no fella ever put a ring on it, that's fine by me, if it means I'll be spending every Saturday/Sunday in a Miller Lite haze inside a dark sports bar with sauce all over my face and hands yelling, "I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE!"

Today, however, I am prepared to amend this notion. Guys don't want to date girls who like sports UNLESS they look like Alyssa Milano.

— The Steezer is a Texas Longhorn fan living in Washington, D.C. who is hoping for a stimulus package to call her very own.

—-—-—-

Cameron Frye:

Alyssa Milano is a baseball fanatic and desperate for you to know that. She's a season ticket holder, she designs overpriced fan gear for women & I'm assuming scrawny gay men and now she's written a book to prove she's a super fan and bleeds Dodger Blue. Do I think she is? Yeah, I do. But I think she went a little crazy along the way and took her love for the game to a whole new level.

Instead of being content with watching the men in their tight white pants play America's pastime, she decided to screw a few of baseball's best and leave her mark on the sport. The gentlemen, who've hooked up with her over the years, haven't had the best of luck afterwards. Alyssa seemed to have the ability to suck the talent out of anyone. Barry Zito signed a $126 million dollar contract and was sent to the bullpen. He started last season 0-6 and had 7.53 ERA. Carl Pavano played in 26 games during his three years on the New York Yankees and spent most of the time on the DL. I'm so glad the sight of Schilling shoveling food down his gullet drove him to sign with NY. And is there any way she can fix Brad Penny since he's playing for Boston now? I'll buy one of her lousy shirts if she does.

Do I blame her for banging a few ball players? Not at all, there are a lot of good looking guys who play ball – shit; I'd do it. Basically, what I'm saying is that if you want to be taken seriously as a fan, keep the balls and players out of your mouth.

— Cameron Frye cannot wait for baseball season and is especially looking forward to drinking heavily at 10 am on April 20th at Fenway Park. You can follow Cameron and her drunken nonsense @ twitter.com/cameronfrye .

—-—-—-

Katni:

Despite her questionable career and relationship decisions, I absolutely adore Alyssa Milano. I liked her back in the Who's the Boss days, I've overlooked some of the shittier movies she's made, and I've occasionally watched Charmed because of her, despite the fact that I cannot fucking stand the chick from Picket Fences.

As for her love of baseball, I think it's genuine. I consider myself a moderate baseball fan, but Alyssa puts me to shame. She knows what the fuck PECOTA is, for god's sake. (Is that some sort of tapas dish?) She has had the misfortune of being in some high-profile relationships, and has been called out for being a groupie, but here's a parallel that may help explain what seems, on the surface, like groupie-ism. Let's say a girl loves music. She loves music so much that she goes out of her way to see/hear live performances as often as she can. She will enthusiastically tell anyone who will listen about her favorite bands, songs, musical techniques, etc. Over time, that girl is probably going to end up talking shop with some of the very same musicians that she has already become fond of on a "professional" level. Occasionally, one thing will lead to another, and she will end up dating said musician(s), because she has found somebody who shares at least one of her passions. Granted, that person may not also share a passion for things such as gainful employment or paying rent, but I digress.

My point is, I think that Alyssa truly has a love for the game, and it's next to impossible not to fall for someone who feels as strongly about one of your primary interests as you do. I'm glad to see that she has wised up to the fact that these arrangements don't usually work out, though. I hope her newly-minted fiancé won't mind her prattling on for hours about sabermetrics, just as I hope my the purely hypothetical music-enthusiast's future fiancé won't mind her prattling on about the genius of Josh Homme.

— Katni insists that one of her playlists will change your life.

—-—-—-

Ellie:

Hey Alyssa, why the "God, no" for Josh Beckett? Then again, considering the pitching careers of the other three after you've dated them, forget it. Please don't go near Beckett. In fact, I hope Beckett and Penny don't have lockers near each other so the Micelli Mojo doesn't rub off.

Anyway, after reading those excerpts, I wonder … Am I supposed to feel bad for Samantha Micelli because she's dated all these baseball players and the relationships didn't work out? Phoebe Halliwell is giving me dating advice? Amy Fisher is telling me stand strong as a woman who likes sports and actually knows sports? Um, I don't think so.

The differences between her and other groupies are that she's an actress (or was an actress), she's got her own money and let's face it, she's hot. You know these athletes will still bang her, instead of blowing her off saying things like, "She's been passed around like a doobie. I'm not going near that." Any other groupie who's nailed three different guys in the same sport gets treated like a joke. Alyssa Milano gets treated like a trophy.

That said, I do think she does have a genuine love of baseball. The way she shows it, or the way it's shown in public, is unfortunate cause it turns her into a joke. But then again, I suppose she's making the most of it. Why else would anyone buy this book?

— Ellie has nailed only one MLB pitcher. And thankfully, he knew how to close.

—-—-—-

Bay Area Claire:

Hi. I'm Bay Area Claire and I love Alyssa Milano. I am enamored by her banging body, pretty face, and stunning smile, but what really does it for me is her love for baseball.

Her knowledge and passion for the game is questioned and scrutinized-a girl can't really know that much about baseball, right?

All the criticism that she receives is the same that many female sports fans encounter-except her experience is on a much larger scale. I don't get special access to the All-Star game, host mlb.com All-Star parties, and date baseball players. That's the life of Alyssa Milano. Man, I would love to live her life.

So Alyssa Milano is drawn to men who are in shape, have perfect musculature (defined, but not overwhelming), and athletic? There's nothing wrong with that; I totally co-sign the idea.

It shouldn't be shocking that a woman has a "type." It should be even less surprising that athletes can be a woman's preference. I share her affinity for baseball player types-I'm talking Derek Jeter-esque, not CC Sabathia-esque, and definitely not roids-filled Jose Canseco-esque.

I've only had one close encounter with the Charmed hottie-and I'm not talking about late night Proactiv commercials.

When SF played host to the All-Star game, she was the host of the mlb.com party. I made my way to the VIP level and in the midst of my mingling, ended up in front of the area where she was hanging out. Like a love-struck girl, I swear we exchanged glances ("move out of my way, Russell Martin, I'm trying to flirt with Ms. Milano!"). Alas, the momentary look was all I was given.

That woman is flawless. Many woman can't pull off the "no bra" look, but she is one of the exceptions.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for anything sporty, sparkly, sexy, and expensive.

And yes, I will probably buy her book.

— Bay Area Claire is up for sharing Alyssa Milano with her man because Alyssa is just that damn sexy. When BA Claire is not obsessing over hot sports fans, find her writing about baseball on examiner.com and BleacherReport.com.

So this is by no means a tell-all, unless you want to know how to calculate a pitcher's WHIP (Milano goes into great detail). There's plenty of nostalgia, ruminations on life in Brooklyn, and stories one might hear if stuck in a Motel 6 with Don Zimmer for a day. But those thirsting for juicy details of her relationship with various ballplayers will probably be disappointed; although they are mentioned. But if you like those "Love letter to the game" type memoirs, you'll probably enjoy it. Oh, and Joe Torre wrote the foreward, although it wasn't included in the proof I received.

Well, let's get right to the action, such as it is:

Carl Pavano — Yes. Tom Galvine — No. Barry Zito — Yes. Josh Beckett — God, no (although I do think he is an amazing pitcher). Brad Penny — Yes. Russell Martin — No.

OK, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me preface this by saying, I am friends with almost all my exes that I have had substantial relationships with. Except for one guy who wasn't a ballplayer but was a player nevertheless and just an overall jackass (you know who you are). Carl, Barry and Brad are amazing guys, and I have nothing but respect for them. I really look back on that time of my life with great fondness. I don't have much of a social life, but I do have season tickets for the Dodgers.

OK, so that period of my life went like this: I was the girl loved by everyone and no one all at once. You must know a girl like this. You can't understand why she is still single. Men adore her, profess their love before the chicken satay arrives; then the phone rings one day, and it's her telling you he left her. Or at least that's what you think she's trying to tell you, but the sobbing makes it harder to decipher the exact phrasing. Then she does that silent cry and you think the phone went dead, or worse, she went dead. Then the ten-second silence is broken by the phlegmy inhale and then more incoherent screeching. Yeah, that's me, the incoherent screecher.

I got my first professional acting job when I was seven. I don't know how it happened. I mean, I know the story of how it happened, but I don't remember much of the specifics. The story goes like this: My sweet aunt Sissy took me to see the Broadway musical Peter Pan for my seventh birthday, and I looked at her all wide-eyed and said, "Aunt Sissy, I can do that." Before anyone knew what happened I was at an open audition for the play Annie. Fifteen hundred kids auditioned, and four were picked. I was one of the four. I didn't choose to be an actress. It chose me. I still don't know why it chose me, but I feel blessed for it and this powerful thing called destiny.

Yeah, I dated three baseball players. Not only that, they were all pitchers, imagine that. (But the one in the middle was a lefty so I don't know if he really counts). All three were very different men but nevertheless clearly heroes in the eyes of a girl who idolizes baseball players. I am not a total dolt. I saw that I was repeating a pattern that had to be broken. Each lasted seven months too: further proof of a definite pattern.

It was the early eighties, and the Dodgers were long in Los Angeles by then, and every so often Dad would say what a terrible man Walter O'Malley was for stealing the Dodgers and moving them out west. My father's sadness and anger were part of the magic. So was his telling me what a great player Reggie Jackson was, and how if anyone ever tried to boss me around like Yankees manager Billy Martin tried to boss Reggie around, I should do what Reggie did, and tell him no one bossed me, and then go out and hit some more home runs, or something.

But when casting Steinbrenner as a scoundrel, why doesn't anyone mention his illegal contributions to Richard Nixon that Watergate revealed? Look it up. He was suspended from baseball in 1974 for that revelation, and then again in 1990 for another shady episode in hiring a private investigator to dig up dirt on slugger Dave Winfield.

—-—-—-

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin, up to and including your photos of Screech. That Nationals' mascot is one scary looking chicken.

Alyssa Milano Appearance [Book Review]
Alyssa Milano: Safe At Home [Amazon]
Alyssa Milano Loves Leather And Cork And Joe Torre Will Tell You So [Bob's Blitz]

So it's like, I guess, one of Vincent Chase's hot babes settling down with Ari Gold. Thanks to the San Francisco Examiner, via Bob's Blitz, for the rather depressing news. And also for this presumably old Milano quote:

I've gotten such s—- about my dating choices. Like, every single article ... is about how I'm 'the chick that dates athletes... I'd love to just find a good plumber or doctor."

Coincidentally, Milano used to date pitcher Carl Pavano, who just signed with the Indians today for $1.5 million over one year. And they all lived happily ever after.

Alyssa Milano Asks For, Gets Balls For Christmas [Bob's Blitz]
Charmed! Alyssa Milano Engaed To Agent David Bugliari, Wedding Date Not Set [San Francisco Examiner]
Indians Sign Carl Pavano [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

• Hey, sweetheart, you wanna play who's da boss in my pants?: This is the perfect addition to a businessperson's special for the Phillies: "Any fan who purchases a piece of TOUCH product from the collection will get the chance to meet Alyssa and receive a free autographed gift from her. The meet and greet will take place from 12:15-1:15 p.m. (before the 1:05 p.m. Phillies game against the St. Louis Cardinals)." Over/under on number of proposals she receives from guys named Sal? [The Fightin's]

• Look at all the pretty blood...: UFC 86 had its fair share of controversy. (Forrest Griffin-Rampage being just one of them.) But for those uninterested in all of the floor grappling and chest-pumping histrionics that comes with MMA and just want to look at photos of mangled fighters with flayed faces, well, fine. Eat your dessert first. [With Leather]

•Hooray for Jews!: The JTA is just fired up this year's All-Star selections: "At least three players of Jewish descent" were named to this year's roster.Youklis. Kinsler. Braun. Mazel Tov, etc. [Undrafted Free Agent]

• Jerome Bettis' Urinals Are Spy-On-Your-Girl Ready:"Jerome Bettis’ Grille 36 restaurant on Pittsburgh’s Riverfront has been honored by Cintas for its “quality materials”, “sports theme”, and the one-way mirrors that let you check on your date (and the 50-inch plasmas) while you take a leak." [Sports By Brooks]

FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) — Josh Beckett and the Boston Red Sox were in October form during their exhibition opener.

Well yeah, if the World Series is being played between the American League and ACC champions this year. The Red Sox slipped by Boston College 24-0 in their spring debut on Thursday, trotting out 20-game winner Josh Beckett to face a team that had not yet had a practice outdoors. The good news is that the Eagles covered. But my favorite linescore of the spring is still this one. Please note that the Pirates were limited to one run over the final eight innings by the Manatee Community College Lancers.

In other news, the Mets lost to the Cardinals 7-0 on Thursday. But don't worry New York fans, because the Mets are bringing out their $137.5 million stopper today, as Johan Santana makes his Grapefruit League debut in a game televised by MLB and SNY. And it also must be noted that Atlanta's Colter Bean allowed the tying run to score when he hit a batter with the bases loaded in the Dodgers' 5-4 win over the Braves in Joe Torre's debut with Los Angeles.

Meanwhile, Cubs' outfielder Kasuke Fukudome was welcomed to the majors by being plunked with a pitch in his first at-bat by San Francisco's Noah Lowry. 福留 孝介!!

And its also a brand new baseball season for Touch 'Em All With Alyssa Milano, as she opens the season on her blog with photos of her new dog, and of herself at the NBA All-Star Game. Baseball Fever! Catch it!

BoSox Hammer Boston College 24-0 [SI.com]
Fukudome Plunked, Gets RBI In Debut [MLB.com]
Touch 'Em All With Alyssa Milano
Dodgers 5, Braves 4 [Inside The Dodgers]

It's tough to find a man on the planet who doesn't love Alyssa Milano. Her allure is timeless, considering her career ascension has matched up perfectly with most 30-something men's sexual awakenings. Think about it: As a teenager in the 80s, she was the perfect combination of girl you'd take to the ninth grade farewell dance and girl most of you'd inconspicuously fondle at the mall. In her 20s, she wasted no time shedding her image as a child star and makes the leap to lesbianic vampire movies, Poison Ivy II and "Melrose Place." (That trifecta alone guaranteed she'd have many mop socks named after her. Ask my father. He always wears his Alyssa Milanos on Sundays to do yard work.)

Now, in her 30's she's become the real life Annie Savoy, using her lady cave to assemble what would've been one of the more dominating fantasy baseball staffs in ... 2003: Brad Penny, Barry Zito, and Carl Pavano. It's true. Alyssa Milano's vagina's 2003 WHIP would've been 1.24.

Lately, it's appeared that Alyssa has put herself on the DL when it comes to bedding players (perhaps the coital equivalent of "dead arm"), reserving most of her player admiration to her MLB blog and her MLB lingerie line or whatever that is. This cannot last forever, and the more and more baseball games Milano attends, the closer she gets to fully recovering . She's so riled up right now that anytime she drives past a ballpark you could probably drown mice in her underwear.

So, this week, I'm blowing off some Teen Steam, slapping at my Tony Danza, and calculating odds on the next MLB baseball player to have sex with Alyssa Milano.

Let's touch 'em all, after this Moop.

Johan Santana:6/1

Her affinity for starting pitchers is well known, and she's referred to Santana as "dreamy." Although Santana's a married man, it has to betough to turn down the advances of Alyssa Milano. But Santana should steer clear of her, lest he suffer the Milano curse that has befallen most of the pitchers she's doinked. Chances are, Santana will resist, but should some marital trouble suddenly arise, don't be surprised if Milano starts singing the praises of skyway sex on her blog.

Chad Cordero: 3/1

Although Milano claims to be cosmic chums with Dmitri Young, I'm thinking their relationship would fall into the category of platonic: She'll talk to Meech about his game, her love life, her family; he'll talk to her about his combustible brother, "The Man," hot wings. But Dmitri will also attempt to play matchmaker for Milano, and what better guy to set her up with than the Nationals crooked-capped closer, Chad Cordero? Cordero would be delighted to have such a lady, and although she won't be interested at first, Milano will eventually succumb to Cordero's chicano-esque charm and the fact that he calls her his ruca. But Milano should beware the Havoc-like lure of Chad — and, most important, she shouldn't drink too many tequila shots with him and his buddies then boozily ask how to become a member of his gang. (See: Phillips, Bijou.)

Bobby Abreu: 5/1

Alyssa favors plate discipline over the allure of the inside the park home run, which is something she gushed about about regarding The Meat Hook's five-pitch at bat in the All-Star game's last inning. And even though he's having an off year, Abreu is usually masterful about working a count. Plus Abreu loves Mediterranean white girls, as some of the strippers at Scores could attest to first hand. But he also has a problem with his girlfriends having sex on film, which doesn't bode well for Alyssa since Embrace of the Vampire still pops up on Cinemax every once in while.

Matt Kemp, James Loney, D.J. Houlton...: 2/1

A lifelong Dodgers fan, it seems like a lock that she'd go after somebody she could root for all of the time. But with that whole Brad Penny situation still fresh, she probably won't start dating one of his teammates too soon. However, she's also a gamer, and what better way to acclimate some of the younger talent to the Major League life than by offering her services. Let's just hope she does them individually and doesn't cave into the pressure from some of the rook's to play "Blue Devil Broom Closet." That could end badly for everybody.

But her recent entry from the All-Star Game reveals something incredibly disturbing: She's become mystical best pals with Dmitri Young.

I got to meet Dmitri Young. He isn't built for power. He isn't built for speed. He is built for comfort and has the loveliest way about him. You can tell he has overcome a lot and was truly ecstatic to be there. ...

... When Dmitri got back to the dugout, he looked up in the stands, we made eye contact and he pumped both fists in the air. He then started dancing to the music. And I danced, too.

We're not sure we're ready to live in a world in which Dmitri Young — Dmitri Young! — and Alyssa Milano are best pals. Stay out of the Detroit hotel rooms, Alyssa, and, oh yeah, look out for his brother. boom bitch

He's built for comfort!

My All-Star Game [*touch* em all]

On the one hand: You get to date Alyssa Milano. On the other hand: You get Carl Pavano's sloppy seconds. (Zito or Penny's slops? Perhaps your buddies will even respect you more. But Pavano? Yeesh.)

Anyway, MLB.com is running a contest featuring their lead blogger, Alyssa Milano, and you could win a date with Alyssa! (No, wait: Let's check out the fine print...)

What the...?! You get the "opportunity" to "meet" her at a game. (And you have to provide your own transportation!) Perhaps I can say this because I'm married, but it doesn't sound like it's worth the effort. (Now, with one of the Ladies...?)

Let me clarify: They're not selling the contest as "win a date," and god knows the "prize" ain't close to a date. You're closer to a "date" with Alyssa Milano with your Internet connection and closed blinds.
— D.S.

Win a Date With Female Blogger? [Awful Announcing]
MLB Ultimate Fan Sweepstakes [MLB.com]
Alyssa Milano's Blog [MLB.com]

This photo is from Alyssa Milano's MLB Blog, and it features Alyssa sitting on Tommy Lasorda's lap.

Yep. Tommy Lasorda. Careful, Alyssa ... very careful.

*touch 'em all* [MLB Blogs]
Tommy Lasorda Wants You To Know He Doesn't Pay For Sex [Deadspin]