In most worlds — let alone sports leagues — such creative visualization is known simply as delusion. In the LPGA, it's "holistic," and it's the latest craze!

It shouldn't be a surprise to learn of such, um, quirkiness from the sport that, in the last year alone, tried to Americanize its playing field and strongly encouraged in-round tweeting. I wonder if their under-the-breath mutterings or across-the-fairway ballads have to be in English, too.

Suzann Pettersen has been counting obsessively out loud as she walks down the fairway. Italy's Giulia Sergas has been pretending to snowboard while waiting for her turn. Finland's Minea Blomqvist has been attempting to channel Ms. Sorenstam's spirit, mimicking her posture, tempo and facial expressions. And this April at the Kraft Nabisco Championship in Rancho Mirage, Calif., Brittany Lincicome sang and whistled country songs by Keith Urban and Sugarland after nearly every shot. She won the tournament — her first major victory....

As the U.S. Women's Open kicks off in Bethlehem, Pa., golf fans can thank Ms. Sorenstam's longtime mentor, Pia Nilsson, and her coaching partner, Lynn Marriott, for the increase in odd behavior on the greens. Now a regular presence at tour events, the duo has picked up nearly 20 new tour clients since the retirement of Ms. Nilsson's star pupil last year. Together, they help players win with a "holistic" approach that's based on who each client is as a "whole person."

Instead of focusing only on a player's stance or swing, Ms. Nilsson and Ms. Marriott say they take players' spiritual, social, physical, mental and emotional needs into account as well, suggesting remedies that often have little to do with technical golf and have included listening to iPods, playing Sudoku, jumping up and down or staring up at the trees during downtime on the course.

"We know teachers and coaches are wondering what we're doing," says Ms. Nilsson, who notes on their Web site that she hates cocktail parties, loves the color blue, makes her own cereal and has kept stats on the number of ice cream cones she eats each summer. Ms. Marriott enjoys gardening, values kindness, hates "when things are messy" and does her spiritual rejuvenating in Sedona, Ariz.

Here's what you need to know about me: I'm eating a bag of potato chips, I think making my bed is a waste of time, and I'm floored by the wonderfully indescribable, incandescent beauty of the sun striking a brick wall. I also like shaping sand castles in the trap, because it unleashes my bottled-up rage. See you in Bethlehem!

Women's golf goes holistic [WSJ]

Sorenstam made over $22 million in prize money—more than any women's golfer ever—plus millions more in endorsements and appearance fees, so even though she's only 38, she should be financially set for the rest of her life. She's poured her wealth into a new winery, a vanity perfume, clothing lines, designing her own golf courses, and launching a teaching academy. Plus, she's heavily invested in the stock mar... oh no.

“I’m very involved in the stock market, I invest my money I wish I could say wisely but I have obviously been affected,” Sorenstam told reporters on a conference call today. “I don’t think I can tell you I sleep good at night.”

Oh, right. That whole global financial meltdown thing. But still a deal is a deal, right? It's not like a pro athlete can say they're retired and then just come back and play whenever they want.

“I’m only 38 so if there’s something I missed, I’m going to make sure that it’s done by the time I’m finished,” the Swede said. “I don’t have any immediate plans on if I should return and, if so, when. It’s time to say goodbye. When I look back on my career, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’m just going to go with the flow and see how I feel. It’s a little bittersweet to make this my last professional tournament."

Um, yeah. You'll come back. They always do, am I right?

Annika Sorenstam having second thoughts about moving on [Times Online]
Sorenstam on course for career closer [CNN]
Sorenstam Loses Sleep Over Investments as Golfing Career Ends [Bloomberg]
Opinions vary on Annika's future as a player [Sun Sentinel]

Sorenstam brought notes with her but, for the most part, did not refer to them. She drew a parallel to Brett Favre, but was not overcome by emotion as the Green Bay Packers quarterback was when he announced his retirement in March. "One of the things he said was that he loved the competition but not the daily grind," she said. "I feel the same way."

Wow. Did AP just say that Sorenstam is less girly than Favre? At any rate, it's kind of a sad day, because we're probably seeing the last of the greatest women's golfer of all time. The 37-year-old Swede, who has won 72 tournaments, will make her final event will be the Dubai Ladies Masters after the LPGA Tour season ends. She is engaged to Mike McGee, son of former PGA Tour player Jerry McGee. Let the Michelle Wie Era begin!

But Sorenstam is not the only one to tell their employer to take this job and shove it. Elsewhere in resignation:

• I quit. I have cried myself to sleep every night over the loss of Barry Bonds and I have no more tears to shed. — Peter MacGowan

• Time to quit. I refuse to live in a world where there are ball men. — Justine Henin

• I quit. The health of the Democratic party is much more important than my personal ambition. — Hillary in 2012

• That's it, I quit. ESPN, and everyone, is against me! (runs into bathroom, locks door). — Tom Brady

• Whew! So tired; all that running and jumping and so forth. We quit. — San Antonio Spurs

• You can't fire me, I quit! Oh ... it appears that you can fire me. — Nelson Figueroa

• You'll get this newspaper when you pry it from my cold, dead ... ah $%&! it, I quit. — Kornheiser

• Who am I kidding? Drop those balloons! On to Montana! — Hillary in '08

There's something about guys dressing in drag that, for whatever reason, is frowned upon. Oscar De La Hoya could've easily played his kinky fishnet outfit off as a mere lark: he's just a puppy-faced fellow, who after a flight of tequila shots, has no problem dressing up in a giant hairnet and heels. No big deal, really. Everyone's done it before. Sometimes, even the most virile of men cannot resist the temptation to squeeze into something spicy.

The difference between Oscar De La Hoya and most other recreational transsexuals is that they don't deny it. If it's an isolated incident, it's something that's laughed about later and forgotten about quickly. But, De La Hoya's staunch denial about the incident, plus all of those rumored intimidating phone calls to the dim-witted Scores dancer who gave the photos up and the legal threats, suggest that he's hiding a very, very dark secret.

This is where it gets interesting. We all know athletes become much more appealing if they have a little stink on them. Beneath all of that skill, money, fame, it's nice to know there runs a current of torment, a greasy underbelly that has to be concealed for presentation purposes.

There are so many who fit the profile.

So this week, I'm polishing up my ben-wah balls, purchasing a one way ticket to Taiwan and the Mets fucking suck.

Line drive hit to left field...here comes Iguchi!

Peyton Manning, Into Animal Fisting: 2/1

He had his Wayne Brady moment on "Saturday Night Live" and showed the world he's not just a cannon-armed bumpkin with a corporate price tag on his back. No, he's a self-deprecating regular guy. He can make fun of himself and mock his altar boy image. That's what makes him human. But what keeps him sane is the drop-to-your-knees adrenaline rush one gets inserting a clenched fist inside the wanting anal cavity of a four-legged friend. Be it a bucking horse, a baby calf, a small housecat, or, one time, an unsuspecting howler monkey, Peyton does not discriminate. If there's an opening, he's going in. Cut that meat, indeed.

Derek Jeter, Huge Partial Unbirthing Enthusiast: 3/1

Derek Jeter, for all his potato-faced handsomeness, has always had an odd head of hair. What happens if it ever grows out? Is it Hebrew nap, or brother fro? Or is it worse, like a raging case of the dreaded noggin pube? However, the reason Derek keeps his hair so awkwardly trimmed is not out of vanity, but sexual proclivity. You see, DJ is part of a small minority of men who can only reach climax if his head his completely inserted into a woman's vagina. (Partial unbirthing, for those who have yet to Google.) This is also why it's tough for Jeter to keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Even though he's courted many a starlet, most have quickly ended the relationship after the Yankee shortstop came to bed wearing an oily swim cap. The only one he was successfully "unbirthed" has been Mariah Carey, who was very enthusiastic about it — she even invited conjoined twins into the bedroom with them. Derek wasn't into that, so he quickly split. Needless to say, Mariah's eventual vaginal rejuvenation surgery will cost millions.

Matt Holiday, Red Wing Commander: 2/1

The Rockies' torrid playoff run right now is bringing a lot of attention to a team that's lived in relative obscurity since its inception. But after next week, the whole world could be introduced to the Triple Crown-potential of outfielder Matt Holiday. And if there are any ladies lucky enough to be menstruating during that time, well, they could meet Mr. Holiday in a whole new way. Although he's married, it's told that Matt takes out some of his player aggression in the bedroom, executing a myriad of period-friendly sexcapades to placate his constant yearning for the calming warmth of a blood-caked lady flower. And, If some gals play their cards right, they could even get a chance to have Matt execute his patented "Snoopy Snow Cone Machine" on them. Their odds will increase if they already have a mouthful of crushed ice to greet him.

Annika Sorenstam, Eproctophiliac: 1/1

Though she's a darling on the golf course, she's a demon in the bedroom — especially when she gets a face full of flatulence. Sorenstam realized her fetish at a young age, being deflowered by an older man with untreatable digestive problems. Never able to repeat the orgasms she had with her wind-blasting lover, Otto, she quickly realized that she can manufacture them by having her male partner spread his cheeks and beef in her mouth during foreplay. Sorenstam was almost exposed during a the 2003 Master's when her caddie found some of her Fart Hammer pornography collection in her golf bag. The caddie was substantially paid off to keep quiet, but there's more money for him elsewhere if he gives up the details.