It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

This Man Took 23 Pictures On His Television Of "Arizona Cardinals Camel Toe"

(Anonymous-ish, please. You may call me Jason in Indy.)

So sometimes a booze/weed combo helps slow the game down. Perhaps that's how the rookie NFL QB's are making such a splash the last 2 seasons? I thought I was seeing things at first Sunday night when this luscious cheerleader bounced her Bulbous Bald Femballs my direction. Wish the picture quality were better, but maybe this will spur another Deadspin reader to action. Enjoy.

(Ed. note: He took 23 pictures of this screen shot. 23.)

Dude, Hadn't Noticed

Dude, have you ever noticed in the infamous pic of Kim "Sweet Thighs" Kardashian grinding on Regg "Cock Sucker" Bush (sorry, Im a diehard ND fan) that Khloe (the uglier and much dumber sister) is staring intently, and somewhat seductively/awkwardly at Regg's cock region? Just look in the bachground, it's pretty hilarious. The pic im referring to is the one in your article titled "Our long national nightmare is over: reggie and kim together again," just in case you're a yid and didnt know what pic i meant. Thanks again bro, hope you dont fall down a large set of stairs anytime soon...not that this might be a threat or anything...just kidding i thought it would be funny if i wrote that though. One love ;0

At Least She Is Acutely Self-Aware

From Julia Allison: Subject: "Now This"

is good sportswriting.

I just sent it to Wilbon.

I think you should write something about it!

xo
your favorite clueless sports non-groupie

BTW, did you see my little SONY spot with the other Mr. Manning?

oh yeah, baby

From Me: (Forwarding to Emeritus)

Yay for you?
Sent from my iPhone

From Emeritus:

You actually talk to this species? I had no idea.

I Don't Believe That Was Brought Up In The Chat, No

didn't anyone ask if swallowing Tony LaRussa's cum can make YOU drunk? it seems like the obvious question!!!!

I'm Quite Certain He Said "Niekro"

So i was switching back and forth between football and the tour championship yesterday and around the 7th or 8th hole, I swear the commentator said, "the ol' negro knuckler" after one of tiger's shots. I'm pissed at myself for not recording it and thought for sure you'd have a post on it today. I can't find anything about it online, but you guys are surely better at finding that shit that I am.

Maybe it's just me being racist. But thought I'd give you guys something to do today.

Aw, Buzz

Note: He was supposed to be here, but he was here for a little bit.

Reports are swirling about a feud between Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt Warner after a series of impolitic, armchair-quarterbacking Tweets by Larry's brother, Marcus, who evidently felt Larry wasn't getting the damn ball enough. They've since been taken down but can be found on Tweleted.

The main problem with Kurt Warner's record-setting day, in Marcus' analysis, was that Warner spread the ball around too much:

Marcus maintains that he "was kidding" — but his play calling brilliance is no laughing matter. I predict somebody hires him by week 6.

Marcus Tries To Clean Up His Mess [PFT]

The Baseball Prospectus book is the staple of every March — I try to find someplace warm and read it cover to cover, like a novel — and in August, it's the Football Outsiders Almanac. The Football Outsiders' crew's takes are sometimes ridiculous — they love the Rams this year, for some reason — but always well-researched, smart and compelling. I find it the perfect way to prepare for the season; reading makes me feel like I know what I'm talking about, when I really, really don't. It's indispensable. Buy it.

I talked to FO editor-in-chief Aaron Schatz about the book, about the woes of the book publishing industry, the non-split with Baseball Prospecuts (the book is self-published this year, for the first time, and you can't get it in bookstores) and why he's so down on my Buzzsaw.

So what happened with Baseball Prospectus? You're still a part? Or no? Why's the book self-published? Was there some sort of fight? What happened?

We're fine with Baseball Prospectus, actually. Football Outsiders has always been a separate company, so there's no "divorce" or anything like that. We had a deal with them to produce a football book provided
they had a contract with a publisher, but their publisher, Plume, made the decision to no longer publish Prospectus books in sports other than baseball. By the time Plume made this decision, it was too late
for us to go with another publisher. In addition, once we had to do the book on our own anyway, it made sense not to pay for the promotional value of the name "Prospectus." But we are still friends with those guys, we still link to their site and they link to ours, Will Carroll is still writing for both sites, and I want to see them succeed. I especially want Basketball Prospectus to succeed because I think Kevin Pelton is a really good guy.

We have other publishers who are interested in the 2010 book, so we'll have to decide if we go back to standard publishing or do it this way again. Self-publishing gave us an extra five weeks or so to finish the
book, we didn't need to have it done until the end of June, and that was just HUGE from a sanity perspective. My wife is perfectly happy if I never go back to a schedule where the book is due by Memorial Day.

Football Outsiders has had a few staff changes of late too. (I remember when my college pal Michael David Smith wrote for you all the time.) Has this whole process been different than you were expecting when it started kicking in? How has it progressed?

Heh. Well, I started the site as a side gig when I had another job, and the only other people working on it were some of my old fraternity brothers. So yeah, this is a bit different than what I expected six years ago. The site has grown fairly organically, which has led to some of our infamous server issues, but it's also kept me from growing eyes that were far too big for my own stomach, if that makes any sense. I didn't ever want FO to grow too fast and then crash and burn. It's cool that some of our writers have gone on to bigger and better things. I mean, MDS had written on the Web before FO, but it was his work with FO that hooked him up with AOL and gave him the opportunity to do this for a living now, even though that means he can't work for us anymore. I wish more people could work for FO full-time, but that would probably entail taking almost all the content on the site to a subscription model, and I'm just not ready to do that right now. So for now, it's just me and Bill Barnwell.

I've always wondered if you'd start seeing Football Outsiders people working in the NFL the way you see old Prospectus people working in baseball. That doesn't seem to have happened yet, but you see little changes seeping in, most notably with Jim Schwartz, the new coach of the Lions and first real head coach to embrace advanced statistical principles. You've worked with him in the past, right? Is he a referendum on what you guys, and others, do?

Yes, I've worked with Jim in the past, and I hope to work with him in the future as well. I do want to say I would hate to have anything regarding the Detroit Lions become a referendum on what FO does. The
fact is, while FO people aren't working in the league, there are plenty of people in the league who do the kind of statistical analysis that we do. Historically, empirical thinking has always been far better accepted in the football world than in the baseball world. Many more of the management people in football have come from the business world rather than from the playing field. The most statistically oriented organizations in the NFL are probably New England, Philadelphia, and San Francisco. Things have not gone well for the 49ers, obviously, but I think the Patriots and Eagles have been fairly successful over the last few years. So as far as I'm concerned, stat analysis has already proven itself. Eventually, there will be people working in front offices who grew up reading FO. They're already there, it's just that right now they are at the intern level. One of those guys will be running a team in ten years.

The other thing I should point out is that when I started Football Outsiders, the goal was never the better management of NFL teams. It was always the better coverage of NFL teams by the media. The guys in the NFL front offices are smarter than fans give them credit for, and certainly they're smarter than those guys in the booth on Sunday babbling on about how the team is 8-1 when running back X runs for 100 yards. I'm here to improve analysis of the NFL, to make fans feel like they are a) more knowledgeable and b) more entertained. If teams read our work and apply that to managing their franchises, that's pretty
neat, but I'll always see myself as a writer first and foremost.

How mad will you get if I ask you about Kevin Jones? (Note: FO has been predicting stardom for Kevin Jones since he was three years old. It hasn't happened.)

Not that mad. Guys who look good as rookies fall in their faces as second-year players. It happens. All the signs that caused us to project him for such a great second season are still signs that players will improve in their second seasons. If we had a player now with the same stats that Jones had as a rookie, we would probably make a similar projection. Kevin Jones carried the ball 241 times for 1,133 yards, 4.70 yards per carry. Terrell Davis as a rookie carried the ball 237 times for 1,117 yards, 4.71 yards per carry.

To this year's book: I'm not upset that you think my Buzzsaw will flop, because you have figures and research behind it, rather than emotion. (Unlike me.) But don't you think there are certainly things that can't be predicted from past performance? No matter what happened during the regular season, can't you tell SOMETHING about how that team will do from that playoff run?

Sure, there are things that can't be predicted from past performance. That's why we do "mean win projections" based on running the season 10,000 different ways, rather than just saying "Arizona is going to go 5-11." The book says OAKLAND has a two percent chance of winning 11 or more games, for crying out loud. All kinds of strange, unexpected stuff happens in the NFL. On the other hand, when it comes to sitting down and writing the chapters, and doing things like fantasy football projections, we concentrate on what is likely, not what is possible.

I wish I wasn't predicting such a bummer season for the Buzzsaw. I was really annoyed when the projections came out, because the Arizona projection is based on a lot of little things rather than one or two big trends that could be easily explained. I didn't want the Arizona projection to be SO different from conventional wisdom, and I played around with the projection system constantly to try to figure out what variables I was possibly missing that might explain why Arizona should be expected to have another winning season. But there was no way to improve the Arizona projection without making the whole projection system much, much less accurate overall. So we go with what we've got.

The fact is, there just isn't a lot of history of teams that massively improve in the playoffs carrying things over to the next regular season. The 2007-2008 Giants are a big exception, which is what makes them so remarkable. The 2002 Patriots missed the playoffs. So did the 2004 Panthers and the 1981 Raiders.

You seem to imply you think the Rams will win the NFC West this season in the book. A few things have happened since your deadline. Do you still think they're underrated?

Well, first of all, I don't think we imply the Rams will win the NFC West. I think we're pretty clear that we think that Seattle will win the NFC West. The Rams' mean projection in the book is for 8.2 wins, compared to Seattle at 9.9 wins.

I'm concerned about the Rams' early injuries — I mean, without Donnie Avery that team really has an unknown group of receivers, and the idea of Kyle Boller at quarterback gives me hives — but the trends that we identify in the book are still there. The strongest trend in identifying "surprise" teams is still drafting an offensive lineman in the first dozen picks, like last year's Dolphins and the 2007 Browns. This is still a team that is likely to be much healthier and nowhere near as bad in the red zone [as last year]. The NFC West didn't suddenly get any better over the last few weeks — Seattle's dealing with even worse injury issues.

We know that every year some team that has been losing for a couple seasons will come out of nowhere to have a winning season. Everyone wants to figure out how to predict that team, and we're no different. We looked closely to try to figure out what trends pointed to a team about to break out. What we're saying is that St. Louis is the most likely team to do that this year — more likely than Buffalo or Oakland or San Francisco or Detroit or whoever else. We're not guaranteeing a playoff spot or anything. Given how much the Rams sucked last year, they could improve significantly on both sides of the ball and still end up 7-9.

You guys make a very convincing argument that the Broncos are going to be horrible this year. Is there a way for guys to account for 32-year-old maniacs who desperately want to be Bill Belichick?

Wait, is that supposed to be a good thing that leads to wins?

Did you guys ever do any Arena League statistics? Actually, now that I"m thinking about it: Don't you think some enterprising UFL coach could make a name for himself by using FO principles? Like, why not, ya know? It's the UFL.

No, we've never done anything with Arena or CFL. I've thought about doing UFL. It would likely be easy with just four teams playing what, six games each? I'm happy to talk to any UFL coach who wants to speak with me, and we've considered the possibility of a weekly UFL column covering that league, maybe looking at what players might be able to move up to the NFL (or, more likely, move back to the NFL).

In the book, you say if Brett Favre comes back, he's roughly the equivalent of Sage Rosenfels anyway, so it doesn't alter much. Does Michael Vick on Philadelphia change any calculations?

No, he's a backup. Unless Donovan McNabb gets hurt, he isn't going to matter much. Vick's return is more of a news story, whereas Favre's return is more of a sports story, if that makes any sense...

Which movie are you more likely to see: Moneyball, or The Blind Side?

Moneyball, because Demitri Martin is supposed to play Paul DePodesta, and I love me some Demitri Martin.

Note: After this interview, Schatz read Drew's Buzzsaw screed yesterday, in which Drew said, "Schatz was upset the Eagles lost the NFC title game because they failed to prove his metrics correct. But the reason you look to compile interesting stats isn't so that your predictions come true and you look like some big swinging dick. That's Mariotti shit." Schatz had this response:

First of all, I never, ever said I found the Pittsburgh Steelers lackluster in any way. NEVER. Do not besmirch my reputation with Steelers fans! The Cardinals fans are allowed to hate me, but I say lots of good things about the Steelers.

Second, the problem I had last year was not the Cardinals, per se. It was the Cardinals after the 2007 Giants after the 2006 Colts, and so on. It was the trend where the regular season seems to becoming less and less important. It's not about proving my numbers right and it isn't about hating Arizona or wanting Philadelphia to win. Of course the numbers will be wrong sometimes. They just shouldn't be wrong every year, because that would indicate that the regular season is totally pointless, and then the NFL has become hockey. Do we really want the NFL to become hockey?

1. FLUUUUKE! FLUUUUKE! FUCKING FLUKEY FLUKE FLUKE!!!! Expect to hear that sort of thing a lot this year, Cardinal fans (nee Leitch). To push away the haterade for a moment, one of the things that really bothered me about Arizona's postseason run last year were all the people who happily declared the Cardinals' run a product of extreme good fortune. They were lucky to play in the NFC West. They were lucky Seattle was injured all last year. They were lucky to play a rookie QB in the Wild Card round. They were lucky to be in Carolina the night Jake Delhomme's arm died. They were lucky to draw a home game for the NFC title game. They were lucky lucky lucky.

The single worst perpetrator of all this was a guy I admire, Aaron Schatz over at Football Outsiders. Schatz went so far as to say he wasn't looking forward to the Steelers-Cardinals Super Bowl last February because, numerically, he found both teams (but Arizona in particular) so incredibly lackluster. This is the sort of thing that causes the Buzz Bissingers of the world to give statheads a bad name. Schatz was upset the Eagles lost the NFC title game because they failed to prove his metrics correct. But the reason you look to compile interesting stats isn't so that your predictions come true and you look like some big swinging dick. That's Mariotti shit. The point is to explore new ways of seeing the game so that you enjoy it more. Yes, the Cardinals were lucky to get to the Super Bowl last year. Know who else was lucky? EVERY SUPER BOWL ENTRANT IN HISTORY. Flukiness is an inherent part of success. The whole idea of "worst Super Bowl winner ever" and shit like that is fucking stupid. If the supposedly best teams should always win, there'd be no fucking point in playing the games. So I say cheers to the Cardinals for their bizarre anomaly of a year. After all, there's no fucking way they're going back again, because…

2. Holy shit, that's a bad pass defense. Say hello to the team that gave up more passing touchdowns than any other last year, and by an astonishing margin. The Cards gave up 36 passing TD's last year. The next most given up were by the Patriots with 27 of them. Cornerback Bryant McFadden was brought in from the Steelers to help stop the bleeding. But still, it took the Steelers just seven pass attempts in less than two minutes to drive down the field and score the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. Against a no-huddle passing attack, the Cardinals are more vulnerable than Leitch around a naked Rick Ankiel. Speaking of which…

3. Leitch roots for them. Motherfucking raisin-eating freak.

4. Beanie Wells sneezed, will be out seven weeks. The Cards running backs this year are Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower. Which means the Cards running back this year is Tim Hightower. The Cards wanted to draft Donald Brown. Now you know why. Beanie Wells can't drink from a water fountain without hurting his fucking ankle.

5. Team with borrowed nicknames suck as a rule. On principle, I hate any team that moves from one city to another and is too lazy and uninspired to change their fucking nickname. The Indianapolis Colts. The Utah Jazz. The New Orleans Hornets. Nothing screams "I'm a cheap asshole" like not ponying up the money to rebrand a team. It's especially bad with the Cardinals, given that their team nickname is so lame and derivative to begin with. There were so many badass desert themes to work with: snakes, scorpions, severed heads buried in the ground, etc. And yet, they're still the boring-ass Cardinals. Fuck the Cardinals. Lucky assholes.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

The devastating fumble took place in the Steelers-Cardinals rematch last week and cost Arizona fans several lost nights of sleep. The culprit? The Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion that this gridiron warrior rubs on his arms to keep his muscles warm. (You know how chilly Pittsburgh gets in August.) He explained the boo-boo on his blog, thusly:

I got a chance to return punts last night but I forgot about it until game time. I always put some real thick Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion on my arms because it keeps me warm and loose during games. I do it before every game but I forgot that I was returning punts on Thursday. I caught the punt perfectly, but as soon as I tucked it away I felt it start to slip. Then someone hit me from behind and it just slipped out.

Rolle then atoned for sins by spending the rest of this heated, no-holds barred, smash-mouth rematch between rival Super Bowl combatants on the sideline—participating in an impromptu dance contest between his teammates and opposing Steelers. THE HYPER-VIOLENCE! IT BLINDS ME!

It's Good to be Back [Rolle21.com]

Glazer's MMA enthusiasm has been written about numerous times and after he spent last season kicking the crap out of the Minnesota Vikings' Jared Allen, Leinart asked him for some assistance this year to shake-up his routine and knock some the skank bait out of him. Glazer spoke about Leinart's intense training on the DP Show last week and emphasized that he's doing everything possible to make Leinart "throw up and quit everyday."

The Mighty Matthew J. Darnell over at Shutdown Corner has the video evidence in case anyone thought this was part of some elaborate Fox Sports ruse. There is no puking in this video, but plenty of sweaty Leinart and shimmery Glazer.

Good for Leinart. I'm glad he decided to go to Glazer instead of some of the other football reporter-run offseason training boot camps like the slightly less popular EXTREME! water calisthenics with Len Pasquarelli. It probably wouldn't have the same effect.

Matt Leinart Looks To Toughen Up With Jay Glazer [Watch Kalib Run]
Matt Leinart's New Plan: Beat The Hell Out Of Kurt Warner [Shutdown Corner]

Apparently the Cards did not have an organized, dues-paying fan group despite their many years of excellence. But that all changed on Draft Day with the launch of The Big Red Army. It's the brainchild of Dave Gilmore, a regional director of sales for a national hotel chain, who quit his job in order to die his hair red and care about Cardinal football. A lot.

Football has been his life, so much so that Gilmore and his wife, Colleen, agreed to schedule the birth of their daughters in the off-season. And so it happened that the births of Courtney, Zowie and Saydee did not conflict with the Arizona Cardinals schedule."

Now his full-time job is convincing Glendale retirees to put down $60 a year to join the club and BELIEVE! Amazingly, Dave is not alone in his quest.

"Jerry Fletcher Jr. of Peoria not only is committed to signing up as a fan club member, but his dad's store, Fletcher's Tire and Auto Service, also is among the corporate sponsors of the Big Red Army.

"This (kickoff) is to get the Cardinals fans together," Fletcher said. "If you are a football fan, it is one of the biggest things in your life. I know, for me, family and God are Number 1 and 2, and then the Cardinals are right up there on the list of the most important things in my life.

The best part of the story is that a team that was playing in a Super Bowl did not already have its own fan club, so this guy quit his job before the game in order to start one. I don't even think Kurt Warner's faith is that strong.

Big Red Army of Cardinals fans building ranks with fan club [Arizona Republic]
Who Needs A Job When You Can Run An Arizona Cardinals Fan Club [No Guts, No Glory]
The Big Red Army [Arizona Cardinals Fan Club]

From NBCSports:

Fanning is a former Army Ranger and friend of Pat Tillman, the Arizona State and Arizona Cardinals star who was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan in April 2004. In his memory, and to raise funds for the Pat Tillman Foundation, Fanning has spent every day since Sept. 17 walking westward from Virginia Beach, Va., averaging 20 miles per day in a trek that will end in Huntington Beach, Calif.

"It's really the best thing I've ever done," said Fanning, who is in Tempe, Ariz., today for the fifth annual Pat's Run on Saturday. If you're thinking of going, the 4.2-mile race begins outside Sun Devil Stadium and ends within on the 42-yard line (Tillman wore No. 42 at Arizona State). Fanning will be the race starter.

Along the way Fanning has talked to high school students, prisoners and anyone who will listen on the legacy left by Tillman, who can't be honored enough in my humble opinion. Fanning met Tillman when the two were training for the army in Fort Lewis, Wash.

Fanning's goal is to raise $3.6 million for the Pat Tillman Foundation, which is the contract amount Tillman turned down from the Cardinals to join the Army Rangers.

And to think I get winded walking from the train station to the front entrance of AT&T Park.

Man On Cross-Country Trek To Honor Tillman [NBCSports]

Warner said that he "definitely" was interested in the 49ers, and that the trip to San Francisco on Monday was not merely a ploy for contract leverage. (People in the Bay Area feel differently). He said that San Francisco wasn't "a good football fit." And then, of course, there was The Big Guy.

"As you guys know, our faith is the most important thing, so we went into it with the idea, ‘Where does God want us? That's where we're going to be,'" Warner said. "No matter what the money is or the situation, that's where we want to be. Very early in the process in San Francisco, as many good things that are out there and what they're building and coach [Mike] Singletary — I had a great time with him and I like what they're building — I just knew very quickly, this [Arizona] is where I was supposed to be.

"I told my wife probably 45 minutes into it that I just felt God say, ‘You're supposed to be in Arizona.' And I told her that. She tried to tell me to stay open [minded] but He just continued to confirm it and that's why on the way back, I called Mark and said, ‘Hey, let's get this thing done.'"

There's Warner in a private jet on the way home, his wife seated next to him saying one thing, God on the other side saying another, and a flight attendant in there asking if he wants a beverage ... what a zoo. I would have been wearing headphones and pretending I was asleep.

Oh, and the idea of visiting the 49ers in the first place? It wasn't God's. Warner said he got the notion from visiting the team's web site.

Warner Says He Was 'Definitely' Serious About Joining 49ers [Pro Football Talk]
Warner Plays 49ers In Free Agency Move [San Francisco Chronicle]
Desert Storm: Cards Break 50-Year Trend, Do Right Thing For Once, Re-Sign Kurt Warner [Radio Interviews.com]

The Cardinals agreed to Warner's counter-offer of $23 million over two years, with $10 million guaranteed. Warner's agent, Mark Bartelstein, had sought a deal that would rank him with the top five paid quarterbacks in the league at two years, $29 million.

Arizona had offered $20 million over two years, and seemed set on that until Warner visited with the 49ers on Monday. That little junket seemed to break loose the negotiation ice. Indeed, Bartelstein indicated that the 49ers were seroius; willing to pay his client more than $23 million.

Bartelstein said Warner's counteroffer is "clearly below what his market value is out there and the Cardinals know that." He said the offer to Arizona was much less than what Warner could have gotten from San Francisco. "If we were to do a deal with the 49ers it would be substantially more," Bartelstein said.

One sticking point with a move to the 49ers may have been that Warner would not be allowed to throw the football under any circumstances, even to the ball boy. San Francisco fired Mike Martz and will rotate seven fullbacks in a proposed run-oriented attack that would make the 1959 Green Bay Packers look like the were using the A-11.

So, Matt Leinart, anyone? The 49ers want to talk to him, and have sent a late-model panel van driven by a prisoner on work furlough to bring him in for a Friday meeting (traffic permitting).

UPDATE: Egerrin James enthusiastically welcomes Warner's signing.

Report: Cardinals, Warner Agree On Two-Year Deal [NBCSports]
Warner, Cardinals Agree [ESPN]

Why the 49ers would want to pay multiple millions for someone to hand off to Frank Gore is beyond me, but they flew Warner in on a private jet on Monday, drove him around in a stretch Range Rover limo, and generally engaged in other ass-kissing activities (weather permitting). This had the desired effect on the Cardinals.

In response, the Cardinals have raised their two-year contract offer from $20 million to $23 million, the NFL Network reported on Monday. Warner led the Cardinals to the Super Bowl last season, but became a free agent when he didn't re-sign with the club. Warner is apparently seeking a deal worth at least $14 million per season.

That's a good start, now let the haggling begin. Warner wants $29 million, and none of this deferred payment silliness that Manny Ramirez is having to deal with in Los Angeles.

Meanwhile, 49ers quarterback Shaun Hill, who went 5-2 as a starter at the end of last season to help head coach Mike Singletary lose the interim designation, drove himself to Taco Bell in a 2003 Hyundai Sonata.

Warner Arrives For Visit With 49ers [San Francisco Chronicle]
Nervous Cardinals Raise Offer To Warner [NBCSports]

Yes, just one day after offensive genius Todd Haley was plucked from Glendale to run the Kansas City Chiefs, his defensive counterpart Clancy Pendergast was asked to pack his steak knives and go home. But ... but ... that guy got a job!

Of course, Arizona's defense is the reason everyone thought they didn't even deserve to be in the playoffs in the first place, but unless Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are moving to Missouri next month, I think Haley may not be the lucky one here. After all, there's always another coaching job somewhere and I'm guessing Clancy won't unemployed for long.

Pendergast won't return to Cardinals [Arizona Republic]

• Love Hurts. Here is our own J-Money, who is not taking the Cardinal loss well at all. You know things are bad when the only way you can express your feelings is through a Nazareth song. Quote: "For the record I don't always look like a preteen boy." [YouTube]

• Come On Pittsburgh, You're Barely Trying. "Police arrested more than 100 people for failing to disperse, at least one for arson, and two others for drunken driving. Couches and several garbage containers were set on fire." [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

• Commercial Appeal. The original kid from the Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial gives his opinion on the new version that aired yesterday. [KDKA2]

• The TV Ratings Are In ... and they're about 6 percent down from last year. That's what happens when you don't tell people there's going to be a porn clip. [The Live Feed]

• Yeah, Yeah, Six Super Bowl Trophies. We Know. This is already getting tiresome, and it's only Monday. [RSW Blog]

This was sent to us with no explanation; perhaps NFL.com put it up when Larry Fitzgerald scored the go-ahead touchdown for the Cardinals late in the fourth quarter. Which means they probably got a few orders. I would have snagged myself the hooded sweatshirt ... nothing keeps you comfortable in winter like the warm embracing fabric of failure.

Not saying that the last play by Warner was or wasn't an incomplete pass, but did officials actually look at the replay? Couldn't God have thrown a red flag from the heavens? [YouTube]

Fourth Quarter

10:16 — So ... wow. I got nothin' left to say. It's been two straight years of teams I don't care about, but two fan-freakin'-tastic finishes. I'd better duck out of here before one of the Actual Editors makes another post, rendering this one outdated and passé. There. I'm done. Fantastic game. I might even consider buying gold and then selling it to CASH4GOLD just because of the exemplary work displayed by McMahon and Hammer tonight. Thanks for playing alone, gang. See everyone for the next mostly-important sporting event.

10:12 — My friend says that she doesn't think Santonio Holmes's right toe ever touched the ground on that touchdown. Really? I didn't think there was any dispute on that, but I'm sure we'll all be hearing about it in the coming days with conspiracy theories and "get over it" mantras from both sides. It'll be fantastic!

10:11 — If I knew how to text message, I'd probably give the MVP to James Harrison. Think about it ... without his play, the Cardinals win. Then again, without any one of those touchdowns, Arizona wins. Without Jeff Reed's field goal and PATs, Arizona wins. But James Harrison had the best individual play of the game, so I say he wins.

10:10 — And the Gatorade color prop bet ... YELLOW.

10:08 — So this is great. The ruling is that Warner fumbled the ball, but if they review it, then ... no, they're not going to review it. Steelers win their sixth. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SEEING WHAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE HAPPEN IN FOOTBALL? YES!

10:07 — A pass in the middle to Arrington, and there's the final timeout. But look, they've got much better field position and the desperation throw in the end zone isn't of a Colorado-Kordell Stewart length.

10:05 — And heeeere weee gooo the other way ... Fitzgerald hauls in a decent catch, and with 22 seconds left, AZ calls their second timeout.

10:05 — Michaels mutters something about needing a huge return. And .. an average return by Arrington.

10:00 — Oh, so THERE'S your Wheaties box. Holmes toes the sideline with both feet. That's a legit catch. Touchdown Stillers. BUT WILL THE REVIEW oh come on, there's no way that wasn't a touchdown. Get out of the peep show booth, McAulay.

23 27

9:59 — First down ... RIGHT through Holmes' arms. That would have been a Wheaties box cover had he snagged that.

9:58 — That's all of PIttsburgh's timeouts. 49 seconds left.

9:57 — WOW. Holmes runs down the sideline, finds a seam inside, and it's first and goal.

9:56 — Large Ben scrambles but doesn't scramble far. [Witty pun involving breakfast scrambles] Steelers call timeout and there's 1:02 left.

9:55 — Nate Washington makes another first down, but he is brought down in bounds. They're at midfield.

9:55 — Cardinals blitz, Pittsburgh blocks 'em all, and Holmes catches the first.

9:53 — Roethlisberger throws one more down the field that's batted away before the two-minute warning.

9:52 — 2003 MAC Championship phantom nightmares again. Holy shit, Roethlisberger is covered in Crisco.

9:51 — Why not start the drive with a holding call? Sounds apt.

9:49 — So it appears that this Larry Fitzgerald man is a fine wide receiver, but ... CAN HE DANCE?

9:48 — !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 20

Let's just throw this last factoid out of the way before we get to the important shit:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL MMMXXXVII — The HondaTown (formerly Detroit) Lions, three thousand years after becoming the first (and still only) team to lose 16 games in a regular NFL season, win the franchise's first Super Bowl. Quarterback-droid ORLOVSKY ran a series of computer applications that displayed on his side monitor, "IF LIONS(X) > OTHERTEAM(X), THEN GO TO DISNEYWORLD." The Lions were finally able to break through after every other NFL franchise sent the majority of their resources to fight the second 500-year robot war. Wide receiver-droid CALVIN was fined by the NFL for celebrating a touchdown by loading a game of FreeCell in his auxiliary mainframe.

9:44 — Of COURSE they converted the first down. You can just tell this will ... wait, holding in the end zone? Jesus flag-waving Christ, they're starting to use Terrible Towels for penalty calling now. That'll be a safety and a ... wait, any other penalties they want to call? Maybe they should do a legal uniform pants check and assess some 5-yarders.

16 20

9:43 — Wow, I'm sure everyone not wearing a Pittsburgh #39 jersey thought that was a safety ... but they're ruling Parker escaped out of the end zone. 3rd and 10.

9:42 — It's 1st and 99 to go for Pittsburgh. Seems inevitable that the Steelers get a first down somehow.

9:41 — Penalty on James Harrison ... or MMA tryout tape?

9:39 — Incomplete on 3rd and 20. Probably not a wise choice for victory conditions. Time to punt.

9:37 — We were due for an Arizona penalty. It's been so long.

9:36 — Huge play to Steve Breaston. Remember when the Cardinals were mathematically eliminated from this game? That was two Clydesdale commercials ago!

9:35 — Ike Taylor lays down some illegal swagger on Anquan Boldin after the first down, so that's about a total of 25 yards in the Arizonan direction.

• Pepsi Max/MacGruber — I thought Hulu was the sole place where they dumped their crappy SNL skits. I was misinformed.

9:32 — Silly quarterback, throwing the checkdown to Heath Miller. He can't block for himself! (Or can he? Madden?) So they punt and Arizona has five and a half minutes — PLENTY of time — to take the lead.

9:31 — Darnell Dockett wants you to text his name for MVP. He records his second sackle of the night.

• Hulu — Eh, now that the entire country knows about the website, it is no longer cool to watch. Especially since they took down their free copy of The Big Lebowski.

9:28 — Please vote for your Super Bowl MVP now. NownownownowNOW. Now, back to the eight minutes left in the game that will decide the winner.

9:25 — Well, look at that. The jump ball for Larry Fitzgerald makes this game suddenly worth watching. Quick pan to Fitzgerald's dad, who is not impressed. Oh, what does your son have to do to win your journalistic affection?

14 20

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL XXXVI — The New England Patriots defeat the St. Louis Rams, becoming the first expansion team to win the Super Bowl. Patriots fans are elated that they "finally have an NFL team" and "expect to win a championship every year," until such a time at which the Patriots stop winning Super Bowls and Boston reverts back to "really more of a baseball town."

9:21 — Fitzgerald validates the last two weeks of feature stories about him with his second catch of the night. (And his third.)

9:20 — Hey, J.J. Arrington. I think I remember that guy. First and ten inside the 30-yard line.

• Coke Zero and Troy Polamalu — Ah, parody. Had he thrown the guy's pants and not his shirt, I give them a better rating.

• Cash4Gold.com — Ed McMahon and MC Hammer in the same commercial? Are you guys fucking kidding me? For a gold consolidation commercial? I'm sorry, but YOU GUYS WIN THE AWARD! THAT WAS AMAZING!!!

9:16 — Darnell Dockett finally grabs Ben Roethlisberger like a bag of tortilla chips and throws him to the ground like a bag of light tortilla chips. The punt return goes about zero yards, since Steve Breaston was immediately tackled like a bag of lime potato chips.

9:13 —Defensive holding? Maybe there's time for me to make a bingo card strictly for penalties that Arizona has committed tonight. (Seriously. They RAN OVER THE FUCKING HOLDER. I have never seen that.)

9:10 — And there's the punt, and it's fairly short, giving the Steelers a short field. Anyone have any chicken wings left?

9:08 — Really? A first down for the Cardinals without a holding call? Well, if they say so, then I guess it'll stand as ... ah, there's the flag.

9:07 — Did they run out of new commercials? Please say yes.

Third Quarter

9:04 — Riveting stuff about Kurt Warner wearing gloves, as opposed to not wearing gloves, which dates back to whenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:03 — Arizona's got the ball again, and they still need two touchdowns. Probably time for another:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL VII — Not at all foreboding the comically dangerous play that would occur at the end of the game, during halftime Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian successfully constructs the entire board game Mouse Trap without any issues or spills. He left the locker room forgetting to take his bucket full of water from the top shelf, which hovered above a power outlet of frayed wires and a picture of his beloved black cat. No one was injured.

• Coca-Cola — Ha! Ha! Insects can't have caffeine.

9:00 — Something something football. But first, these sponsors.

• Careerbuilder.com — That one really pulled out all the stops. Did ... did I see a koala with glasses and a cup of coffee getting punched? All right, boys, you get a nine. Hats off.

8:57 — And they force a much shorter field goal. This time, they'll instruct their special teamers not to treat holders like trampolines. Reed's field goal makes it 20-7, like it should've been all along.

7 20

8:56 — Did you see that ball leave Antrel Rolle's hands? That was Arizona's next-to-last chance at making this game interesting.

8:53 — Jeff Reed kicks the field goal. Add three points to the ah, ha, just kidding. Roughing the holder on the Cardinals. (Roughing the holder?) First and goal.

8:51 — After that block, Heath Miller drops the pass. But he made that great block two players earlier, so it's OK.

8:50 — Willie Parker runs far to the right, giving John Madden the perfect opportunity to compliment a tight end. (Like he needs an excuse to.)

8:48 — Hell, I'll say it again, because I'm out of pride at this point: Slant-onio! LOL!!

8:47 — Every once in a while, I have phantom flashbacks of Ben Roethlisberger avoiding rushing Bowling Green Falcons linebackers in the 2003 MAC Championship. I just had one as Roethlisberger danced around the pocket, threw the ball out of bounds, and drew the roughing penalty. MAKE IT STOP.

8:44 — That's a 15-yard penalty on Rodgers-Cromartie-Howard-Fine-Howard.

8:43 — Did the Cardinals punt? It looked like the Cardinals punted during The Rock's movie ad.

8:43 — Look, there's Cuba Gooding, Jr. He was in a movie that mentioned the Arizona Cardinals. And look, the Arizona Cardinals!

8:42 — We've gotten to the point in the ads where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars in a kids thriller. Probably time for:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL I — With a new trophy and a new championship game, engravers accidentally etch Green Bay Packers' coach Vince Lombardi's name not in the designated "winning coaches" spot, but in the "name of trophy" space. Nobody corrected this engraving error and is still there to this day.

8:40 — We just dropped in to tell you it was a forward pass. Now, back to the ads.

• Coca-Cola — You know, I've never tried to pick up a girl by offering a soft drink. Something tells me it doesn't work anymore.

• Denny's And Martin Scorsese — OMG FREE DENNY'S ON TUESDAY. There's probably a catch. Ah ... it's Denny's.

• Monster.com Trophy Animal — Well done, job website.

8:35 — So this is how the second half is going to last. Warner's throw turns out to be a fumbled ball, and it lands in the hands of a Steelers defender. That's another turnover. I can see another challenge flag in the short-term future.

8:33 — So, Edgerrin James is gonna up 'n put the team on their shoulders, it looks like. That's two first downs he's gained this quarter.

8:29 — How will Arizona put that play out of their mind? With this, probably.

8:26 — I gotta say, that was a fun halftime show. Sure, some of the post-boob shows have been a little dull, but they've all been better than the "how many pop stars can we fit onto one stage and sing one coherent song" efforts of the early 2000s. One man or one band is the way to go. Although, every time I think of Bruce Springsteen I can't help but think of this clip:

Halftime Entertainment Video In Which Bruce Springsteen Choreography Might Improve The Quality Of Dancing

Because it's the Super Bowl, this probably needs to be seen.

Second Quarter

7:55 — McAulay also gives it to him. It looked like Harrison's knee landed in the warm, receiving hamstring of Fitzgerald's lower half, enabling him to tumble into the end zone. That was probably the worst thing that could happen to the Cardinals at the end of the half. Actually, the worst thing that could happen would be for the touchdown to count, and have to watch that Audi commercial on loop for halftime.

7:55 — So, even if that doesn't count as a touchdown, I'm going to go ahead and rate that runback regardless:

7:51 — I ... should ... probably ... stop ... typing shit. James Harrison was the INT-TD creator, and holy crap, that man made about five tremendous moves to evade the Cardinals "defense." I guess they didn't look at Fitzgerald's ability as a receiver-turned-safety. BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT SEVEN POINTS.

7:49 — Well, the first and goal is set up with 18 seconds left. If nothing else, Arizona looks to have ended the first half at least tied. Check that, there is still a great chance for an interception-TD. But Matt Leinart's on the sideline.

7:48 — Two weeks of Larry Fitzgerald culminates to a two-minute drill first down pass. His dad must be so proud. I wonder where he is right now...

• Cheetos — Taking down the talkative rich girl down a peg or three. Throwing Cheetos to her feet worked, but so would've a positive pregnancy test. Hey, we all have our own methods.

7:45 — Nice of Warner to try and throw an interception, but the task fails. Tim Hightower accidentally grabs the flat pass and mistakenly runs for a first down. This is not what it says in the script should happen.

• HR Block And Death — I'm probably going to rate this higher than Tom Daschle will.

• Teleflora — Wow, it took a hell of a long time to get that commercial from the unknown entity. Salesgenie must've gone out of business.

7:41 — Rut-roh. Roethlisberger was tipped at the line and Karlos Dansby grabs the Pop Warner-difficulty interception.

• Pixar's Up! — That's one way to get rid of the kids-on-the-lawn moral quandary. Just leave the lawn. (no rating)

• Bud Light/Skiing — I'm probably going to rate this higher than the Kennedy family will.

7:38 — Another penalty on the punt. Crimony, if penalties were commercials for movie flops, Terry McAulay could buy the Raiders from Al Davis. Right, Mort?

7:37 — Edgerrin James cunningly drops the 3rd and 22 pass. Totally fooled the defense. With three minutes left, it's time to punt.

• Hyundai — Oh, I'll keep saying it Hun-DIE.

• E*TRADE Baby Gets A Black Friend — Hmm. Must be Sweeps Week.

• Well, That's A First — A commercial previewing the commercials of the second half.

7:34 — 3rd and 22. That seems far.

7:32 — Chopblock penalty on the Cardinals. Madden: "He can block, he can even chop, but ..." And that, people, is why you keep John Madden doing the Super Bowl until he can no longer speak.

7:31 — Steve Breaston gives Michigan alums a reason not to shoot themselves with a very solid return. (There are still 739 reasons in the "pro-shoot" column, unfortunately.)

7:30 — Well, they tried it with Mewelde Moore, but I think I knew he played for the Steelers. Maybe.

7:28 — An impressive 3rd and 12 conversion is wiped from our minds by offensive holding. DO IT AGAIN, THIS TIME FROM A LONGER DISTANCE. (They probably will. With another running back.)

7:27 — Another impressive pass breakup by Rodgers-Cromartie-Day-Lewis.

7:25 — Pittsburgh has the ball now, and Roethlisberger checks down to running back Carey Davis. So, did I just fall asleep for four years and they just got a bunch of new tailbacks? If I see Reuben Droughns get a carry, I'm going to be very upset.

• cars.com And That Child Prodigy — Aw, man, that one had so much hope to be fantastic. "He buys his cars on our website, and you can, too!" Lamejuice.

• Gatorade And What Do Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning And That One Autistic Kid Who Played Basketball Have In Common? ELECTROLYTES, MOTHERFUCKERS!

7:21 — Ben Patrick jumps up and grabs the touchdown. Gentlemen, it's the game of TDs caught by people I've never heard of.

7 10

7:20 — So hey, there's that long pass. Anquan Boldin was so wide open, it would have taken him five seconds to punch his offensive coordinator. First and goal at the two.

7:20 — Y'know, we haven't had two plays separated with three commercials. I'm starting to lose my rhythm.

7:19 — Ah, holding penalties are just excuses to attempt more passing plays. 1st and 20.

7:18 — Edgerrin runs. BAD. Edgerrin catches the pass. GOOD!

7:15 — Pass to Edgerrin. Pass to Edgerrin. A running game is for bull queers.

7:15 — Fantastic shot of Matt Leinart on the sideline and what appeared to be listening to his iPod. Love it.

7:14 — Oh, the Cardinals get the ball on offense too? I was not aware of this.

• Another Goddamn Clydesdale Commercial — And, sadly, this one was actually kinda cute. God, I hate horses.

• Another Sci-Fi Movie — Way to say the movie for those that get our movie trailers by sound, assholes. (no rating)

• Pepsi Max Feat. A Lot Of Head Wounds — Hey, works for me.

• Pedigree — An ostrich for a pet! WHAT KIND OF WACKY SITUATION IS THIS!?!?!

• Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial — I never understood why the Clydesdale is the best kind of horse. Is that a breed? Is that just a ... the hell is it? I ask this finally, into our 43rd Super Bowl, as a legitimate question.

7:08 — Gary Russell scores the first touchdown of the game. That was a 12-1 return, for those with money problems.

0 10

• Land Of The Lost Movie — Everyone will be saying "Matt Lauer can eat it!" tomorrow at work. (no rating)

• Doritos — Um, some money was falling, the police turned into a chimp, and a guy got hit by a bus. Man, I hate these Belgian docudramas.

• GoDaddy.com — Oh, those SCANDALOUS domain registrars!

7:04 — Heath Miller, again, with the ball! And a little bit of shovepushery ensues, with Hines Ward coming out of the fight cloud.

'Tween Quarter Commercials

• Bridgestone Tires And The Potato Heads — Ha! The lips came off the woman! Don't you wish your wife was like that? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee standing up.

• Fast And The Furious XLIII, Feat. Vin Diesel's Torso — It's nice to see Vin Diesel's torso take this job to show his range. (no rating)

• Castrol And The Grease Monkeys — Didn't they open for Pearl Jam in 1996?

First Quarter

7:00 — More like Slant-onio Holmes! [awaits high five] Another first and goal for Pittsburgh.

6:59 — Fine, I'll say it. Heath Miller is being a ball hog.

6:57 — Wow, after a false start almost put a beam in the ass of that drive, Roethlisberger runs the exact pattern of a Wendy's order waiting line, and chucks a first down.

6:55 — Holy hell. The Pride of The Tiffin Dragons, Nate Washington, had that touchdown, but the ball was tipped out of the stratosphere by defensive back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie-Griffith-Joyner.

6:54 — Santonio Holmes runs wild and free like a little kid who just got out of Sunday school. First down Steelers.

• Conan O'Brien and Bud Light — Now we need to see if Andy Richter can match it.

• Some Comedy Movie That is Keeping Michael Cera From Doing The Arrested Development Film. Also starring the guy that Bruce Willis killed in "The Jackal" (no rating)

• Some Car Commercial — Wow, that didn't even try to try.

6:50 — Al Michaels clarifies that Ike Taylor didn't actually go to Swagger University, that it's just more of a state of mind. Oh, Ike Taylor! You establishment-railer! At least I think it was Ike Taylor. But the point is, 3rd and 17 is no way to go through the Super Bowl, and the 'Zonans punt it forth. MORE COMMERCIALS PLEASE.

6:49 — They probably didn't mean to hand the ball off to the ground there.

6:47 — And they convert the first down! Except, well, holding. But the first down counts, so it's just 1st and 20. (Really?)

6:46 — Arizona starts with the ball in the very-average twentysomething range. Edgerrin James goes about as far as Roethlisberger did, and a pass sets up a third and short.

• Incredibly Long Pepsi Commercial — Well, it was fun, and I guess if John Belushi were alive today, he'd approve, then go back to his heroin nap.

• Doritos/Crystal Ball We have violence against vending machines and crotch pain for an executive-type person. We have a clubhouse leader.

6:42 — Oh my. They spotted him short, and we have our first four-point swing of the year. Seahawks fans probably need a change of pants at this point. Jeff Reed dongs in the first field goal of the game.

0 3

Bud Light: So they throw a guy out of an office building, swivel chair and all. Nice. Not great, but nice.

Some Da Vinci Code Sequel: Feh. (no rating)

Incredibly Long, Drawn-Out Car Commercial For An Audi We get it, you have an incredibly large advertising budget.

6:38 — 49 states agree: Ben Roethlisberger definitively runs the ball into the endzone for the first touchdown. BUT PERHAPS SEATTLE WAS RIGHT. Ken Whisenhunt throws the red flag and it's time for commercials.

6:37 — Gary Russell probably wasn't the way to go on first down. But Parker got the yardage back on second.

6:35 — Huh. NBC showed the play clock run to zero, and five seconds later the Steelers snapped the ball. Did the White House audio guy get demoted to on-screen play clock resetter? Roethlisberger throws it to Heath Miller for a super short first and goal.

6:34 — William Q. Parker runs immediately for another nine yards.

6:33 — Well, except for the part where they kept a 10-yard halo around Hines Ward, Arizona guarded that 2nd down pretty well. Pittsburgh moves the ball to about the Cardinals 35-yard line.

6:32 — And the kicker starts off the game with the first tackle. Someone just won $40,000 on that prop bet.

Pre-Game Telecast

6:30 — Blah yaddy blah, Kurt Warner grocery store storyline, and ... hey, hey, HEY. We haven't kicked off yet.

6:29 — Arizona wins the coin toss. You gotta admit, America is safer for having General Petraeus toss heads.

6:28 — Nice to see Jeff Reed wear his Guy Fieri costume for the game.

6:26 — Men now converge at midfield to enact the world's largest lightbulb-related joke: how many football players, league officials and celebrities does it take to flip a coin? (Q: Roger Goodell, how many NFL officials does it take to change a light bulb? A: We'll look at that in the offseason.)

6:22 — And Jennifer Hudson successfully joins a long list of singers who will be known first and foremost as people who sang the national anthem before Super Bowls.

6:18 — Look, it's the US Air 1549 crew, who was rewarded for working probably the shortest flight since the Wright Brothers. Oh, well, at least they waved, but I'd have liked to have heard from them. "Iiiiiif ... you'll look to your left you'll see the first 9-7 team in a Super Bowl since the late '70s. Just let us know if there's anything you can do to make your Super Bowl more comfortable. We know you have a choice in sports entertainment and we thank you for choosing Super Bowl XLIII." They never consult me on these things.

6:16 — Wait, how can Faith Hill be there in Tampa singing "America The Beautiful" and, minutes earlier, in that NBC virtual studio jamming up the pre-game song? They must have a private plane for her.

6:15 — Kurt Warner wins the Walter Peyton Award. But c'mon ... they only did that because he was there. That, or for his charity work.

6:10 — And HERE COME THE TWO TEAMS. [cheering] So, remember when they individually announced the starting lineups and then the Patriots decided to, seemingly at the 11th hour, to be introduced as a team? Well the team that was so brazen as to single out their stars was that 2001 Rams team, featuring Kurt Warner. And to think, that was the last time the Super Bowl coverage found room so shorten up something in the pre-game to make room for more commercials. So touching.

Pre-Game Babble

Now that NBC has fired whoever was in charge of audio during that White House interview, we can all enjoy a little football. The actual live blog starts whenever I feel like it, so get off my back! Also, there will be brief looks at the commercials and, like last year, I will rate them on a conventional scale of zero (Carlos Mencia) to ten (duck riding a monkey riding a unicycle colliding into Carlos Mencia).

Also, stay tuned throughout the live blog as I look back into some of the more memorable moments of other Super Bowls in a feature known as Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable. For the title, I was paid per word.

Finally, before this bastard begins, I would dutifully wish my right pancreas to see either Matt Leinart and/or Byron Leftwich to have to play some or most of this game. Especially Leftwich. Then we'd have an uplifting story about the first human being without motor skills to play in a Super Bowl game. Seriously, his 40 time throughout the years has been charted not with numbers, but with "yes" and "no."