• This Is Just Wrong. This is disagreeable on so many levels, that PETA is just going to have to wait in line.

The funniest part is how she assumes dipping the lizard in ketchup is going to help. [Fire Perno Blog]

• I Wish They All Could Be California Girls. So one guy spent the majority of his time at the Rose Bowl taking pictures of the USC Song Girls. Not that there's anything's wrong with that. [The Sports Culture]

• Charlies Barkley's Wife Knows How To Vibrate. Maureen Barkley loves the Total Body Vibration Machine. And apparently so does Charles. [Bob's Blitz]

• Ice, Ice Baby. Is the NHL's Winter Classic the single best regular season sporting event of the year? My vote is still for any Kimbo Slice fight. [The Golden Spoke]

• Red Raider, Red Raider Send This One Right Over. Texas Tech's Michael Crabtree going pro? One blog says yes. [Dallas Basketball]

Former Coach Pat Dye and several former players turned out for Chizik's first press conference yesterday and went straight to work helping athletic director Jay Jacobs reassure the public that, hey .... it's all good, man!

"I think I was like a lot of Auburn people at first," said former quarterback Stan White, who provides color commentary for radio broadcasts of Auburn games. "It was kind of like, 'Wow.' It was just a surprise because it was such a quick thing. But having a day to digest it and hearing what other people have said about him, he might be the right fit for Auburn. Everyone I've talked with that knows him talks about his determination."

Former Tiger kicker Al Del Greco lukewarmedly agrees:

"My first reaction was a little bit of a shock," he said. "I voiced my concerns on my show (Monday), but as of 1 o'clock today when he became the football coach, my allegiance turned to him. We're going to have to wait until at least August to see how good a fit he is."

Not exactly ringing endorsements, but hey—we'll give the guy a shot, we guess, since we're kinda stuck with him now. Plus, if current Redskin Carlos Rogers would fly all the way in from Washington just to tell everyone about the "passion" of his former coach, what more do you need to know?

Coach Dye, for his part, weighed in with this email, allegedly sent to the Tiger family. The whole thing is reprinted below, but I think this part says ... something?

One thing I am sure of is that I know what it takes to win. Teams where everyone played with the same heartbeat had a chance to win championships; teams that were not able to play like that never reached their full potential.

Determination, passion, fully functioning aortic valves? I'm sold! War Eagle, baby!

Pat Dye, former Auburn players turn out to support new coach [Press-Register]
Chizik: I'm the right guy at Auburn [AP]

—-—-—-—-—-—--
Subject: A Note From Coach Pat Dye

From: Tigers Unlimited
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 9:39 PM

Auburn Family,

I woke up this morning with Auburn on my mind, which is not surprising since I went to sleep with Auburn on my mind.
This is a very emotional time for the Auburn family. We all have our own opinions about what is best for Auburn and about the impact that Auburn decisions will have on our lives.
I don't expect everyone who reads this to agree with everything I say, but I just want you to know what I feel in my heart. This time of transition we are going through now reminds me of the time in 1981 when I walked into a room full of football players who had many questions and doubts about me coming in as the new head football coach.
Their frustration showed in their faces, and anxiety was in their eyes because of the unknown. I had a simple message: Whether they had come to Auburn for the right reasons or the wrong reasons, they had chosen to get their education and to play football at Auburn University, which would lay the foundation for the rest of their lives.
I told them that Auburn had chosen me and that I had chosen Auburn. I asked them as a team to be loyal to Auburn and to love Auburn. I said that I would also be loyal to Auburn and would love Auburn, and this loyalty and love would be our common ground which would lay the foundation that would serve Auburn for many years to come.
There is a lot of misinformation out there right now. The media people have their jobs to do and should have our respect for doing those jobs. But unless an individual has served as president of a major university, has been on the board of trustees of a major university, or has been athletic director or head football coach at a major university, it is hard to grasp how the people in these positions make the decisions that affect so many.
Unless you have walked in their shoes, you cannot begin to understand all that is involved in the process of making these decisions.
In addressing the current situation pertaining to our Athletic Director, Jay Jacobs, and his decision to hire Gene Chizik as our new Head Coach, I applaud all parties involved in the process for allowing Jay Jacobs to do his job.
Nobody is more qualified to make this decision than Jay. He is a true Auburn man to the bone and understands better than anybody the kind of man we need to lead our football program into the future. Gene Chizik is that man.
Because of the years I was involved in football ? as a player, an assistant coach, a head coach, and as a part of teams that won championships at every level ? I learned something about winning. One thing I am sure of is that I know what it takes to win. Teams where everyone played with the same heartbeat had a chance to win championships; teams that were not able to play like that never reached their full potential.
We don't need to worry about what is going on around us. We only need to be concerned about what is going on at Auburn. And being the best we can be at Auburn will take care of what is going on around us. We are an Auburn family. Let's see if we can play with the same heartbeat.
I know winning is important to the Auburn people. But so is character. Jay Jacobs has it and so does Gene Chizik. Now we'll see if they can win. They are our team. I like it. War Eagle.

Coach Pat Dye
—-—-—-—-—-—--

Pretty much everyone agrees that Buffalo coach Turner Gill—who was interviewed for the job—is infinitely more qualified to run a football than "5 and 19 Gene." (And Tommy Tuberville is probably still more qualified than both of them, but that's another story.) Yet, Gill did not get the job and in case you hadn't noticed ... Gill is black.

Now we're not saying that the powers that be at Auburn chose Chizik over Gill simply because Gill is African-American and the school is located in the heart of the Old South. Everyone else will say it for us. In fact, some are even claiming that Gill's biggest strike against him was not his own skin color, but that of his wife, who is white.

ESPN.com football writer Mark Schlabach told "Outside The Lines" today that two other SEC coaches told him, straight up, that Gill would never get the Auburn job, because he's married to a white woman. Charming.

Auburn alum Charles Barkley added his own fuel to fire when he called out his alma mater for their choice of Chizik. He spoke to Gill about the job and claimed that Gill was concerned his marriage would be a factor before he even took the interview.

"We talked about the whole race thing in Alabama," Barkley said. "I told him it's there and it's going to be anywhere you go. I told him you can't not take the job because of racism. He was worried about being nothing more than a token interview. He was concerned about having a white wife. It's just very disappointing to me."

Barkley also pointed out that when Auburn hired a new basketball coach back in 2004, he suggested three African-American coaches who had taken their teams to the NCAA tournament, but they chose the only interviewee who had not—noted-white man Jeff Lebo.

"I think race was the No. 1 factor," said Barkley ... "You can say it's not about race, but you can't compare the two resumes and say [Chizik] deserved the job. Out of all the coaches they interviewed, Chizik probably had the worst resume."

Racism charges aside, is there any doubt that Auburn AD Jay Jacobs does not have a single clue remaining? He played dumb and professed to be shocked when Tommy Tuberville "resigned," but the misguided hiring of Chizik away from a horrible Iowa State makes his judgment even more suspect.

Not that things are any better up in Ames. Even though most Cyclone fans are probably happy to see Chizik go, at least one Iowa State player is a little miffed at his former coach. Freshman wideout Darius Darks (shown here taking a strong stand against "bitchassness") took his complaints to the most obvious forum—Facebook—where he posted some homemade videos (already removed) of himself chewing out his mentor.

"A lot of people asking me what I'm going to do with coach Chizik leaving. I understand business is business, but this man lied," Darks said in the video. "At a team meeting he was sitting there saying 'I told your mother, Jerrod Black, and I sat on your auntie's couch, Darius Dark, and I told her I would take care of you while you was up here at Iowa State.' Where's that n—-- at now? Auburn University."

In the second video, Darks introduces Jeremiah Schwartz, who was a freshman running back from Florida who played for the Cyclones in 2008.

"Let me explain something really quick," Schwartz said in the video. "Rule one: Don’t f—- with a Florida n—--. Rule two: Don’t lie to your team. Rule three: Respect rule two."

Darks then ended the video by putting on a Michigan State jersey. Seriously. Hey, don't bring them into this mess!

Outside The Lines: Behind The Times [OTL]
Lobbying for Gill, alum Barkley says Auburn should have hired black coach [ESPN]
ISU football players post video in reaction to Chizik leaving [Iowa State Daily]
ISU Players Not Taking This Chizik Thing Very Well [SbB]
Chizik Speaks!!! [Online Sports Guys]
Gene Chizik, meet Auburn's finest torches and pitchforks [Dr. Saturday]
Charles Barkley Comments on Auburn Hiring Gene Chizek: It’s About Race [Midwest Sports Fans]

Donna Dunn, wife of d-line coach Don Dunn (Don and Donna Dunn?), called the local sports talk station to complain that her husband found out he had lost his job when the coach of a recruit he was visiting told him. Her son, who is a student at Auburn, found out when a classmate interrupted a presentation he was giving to tell him his dad was unemployed. All of the other coaches and their families found out from media reports or friends.

Amy Enzminger, wife of offensive coordinator Steve, said her hubby found out while he was on a recruiting visit in Maryland. She also called up to rip the administration for their handling of the situation. You can listen to the calls here.

Oh, and she also accused Nick Saban of buying players, but that's just a minor detail. For those who don't know the "Jetgate" scandal, she's referring to Bobby Lowder, a powerful Auburn trustee who got the president of the university fired in 2001 and tried to hire Bobby Petrino behind Tuberville's back in 2003. (The year before Auburn went 13-0.)

Even Tommy's momma is pissed. Olive Tuberville told a newspaper, “He didn’t resign. He was fired.”

Asked if she felt her son was betrayed by the school he led to 85 wins and an SEC championship over 10 seasons, she replied, “I would say yes to a certain extent.

Saban, for his part, actually defended Tuberville and sympathized with his plight.

“I guess we’re 5-7 away from the same thing ... I really question some of the judgment relative to how it is for our game that people with those kind of relationships and done that kind of job and affected so many people in a positive way and have had a reasonable amount of success relative to their circumstances would not be given more respect and consideration than what these guys have been given.”

When pressed further, Saban didn’t duck. After being asked if his success at Alabama had contributed to Tuberville’s demise, Saban raised his eyebrows in disbelief during his answer, and he paused once for a few seconds to search for the right words.

“When you see a program start to lose toughness or discipline, that’s one thing,” Saban said. “That’s not the case. It wasn’t the case at Tennessee, and it wasn’t the case at Mississippi State. It wasn’t the case anywhere.”

He added ... "They didn't even give him a chance to break his contract and go to the NFL! That's not right."

Sports Call Archives [93.9 FM]
Mother of Tuberville said coach was fired [EnterpriseNow]
Saban Rips Administrators [NY Times]
Tuberville Out: Fans react [NBC13]

No one's quite sure what's going on in the stands at Auburn, or on the field, for that matter. We presented this photo on Sunday, but the link was buried, and we wanted to make sure that everyone enjoyed it. And by enjoyed it I mean suffered excruciating night terrors.

Making his way back to his car after his team's 17-13 loss to Georgia must have been adventurous. Fun fact: Leaving this mask on your dresser facing the bed at night = no sleep whatsoever.

Dogs' Defense Steps Up In Win Over Auburn [Atlanta Journal Constitution]

Auburn guard Frank Tolbert had his car towed, and he had an inventive way of dealing with it: He just rammed his SUV through a fence.

Auburn senior basketball player Frank Tolbert was arrested Friday for third-degree criminal mischief stemming from an incident at a towing company lot. The Opelika-Auburn News reported the arrest Saturday. Tolbert allegedly jumped a fence at United Auto Collision in Auburn Thursday night to retrieve his SUV, which had been towed earlier in the week. Police said Tolbert damaged a metal fence when he drove through it to leave the lot.

Hey, sometimes you don't have that much cash on you. If they didn't want that to happen, they'd make the fence of something stronger than, you know, chain-link. Fools.

F The Towing Companies [Rush The Court]

Last year's what an idiot target was Vince Young, who had initially been reported to score a six before it was corrected as "16." This year's big winners: Weber State safety Bo Smith and Auburn cornerback David Irons, both of whom notched a four. The lowest score of all time was the "3" posted by former Ravens linebacker Roderick Green.

Here's the famous Wonderlic sample test, in case you feel the need to flex some mental superiority muscle this morning.

David Irons: Fore! Er, Four! [EDSBS]
Setting The Vince Young Record Straight [Deadspin]

The only solution: Stab your opponent while he's sleeping.

Yep. One 34-year-old man, after a particularly devastating loss during an Auburn-Tennessee game on NCAA Football 07, waited until his opponent went to bed with his wife and then stabbed him with a 12-inch butcher knife.

"At first, the victim didn't know he had been stabbed," the sheriff said. "He thought he had been hit. I wouldn't have bet a plugged nickel he would have lived. He went to the hospital with the knife still in his back. ... But I can only assume [the attacker] was on the losing end. The screen was still on when we got there with the score up. It showed Tennessee winning."

The victim is in serious but stable condition; the attacker was tracked down by dogs following the scent of Doritos, Miller Lite and demon weed.

Stabbing Apparently Over Football Video Game [Decatur Daily]

(UPDATE: Here's another great local story on the case.)

Or, as Rammer Jammer Yellow hammer observed: "Reminder: Remove the 15 foot fuse from your RV before heading into the stadium ... just in case..."

Reminder [Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer]

We were reminded of that story when we read The New York Times this morning, which has a detailed description of serious academic malfeasance at Auburn University.

One of the university's prominent football players was being honored as a scholar athlete for his work as a sociology major. Professor Gundlach, the director of the Auburn sociology department, had never had the player in class. He asked the two other full-time sociology professors about the player, and they could not recall having had him either.

It all goes downhill from there. Our favorite quote is from Carlos Rogers, currently with the Washington Redskins, about the allegedly offending professor: "He's the kind of teacher that, you know, he wants to help you out, not just pile a lot of stuff on you." Dude, we totally love those.

For Some Athletes, Courses With No Classes [New York Times]