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New York, 5:45 PM
Fri Dec 4
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A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009

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J-No
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
Christ, this is all true. And it all sucks. I haven't learned anything new in at least 10 years. 10 fucking years. And I can't wait until these little happy bastards have their first 2 day hangover. That's how you know it is over.
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TheStarterWife
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
I stand by everything I said during last year's Special Balls Deep Message to the Class of 2008.

[deadspin.com]

Let this be a life lesson to you kids. No matter how excited your life and job may be, you will do many of the same things over and over and over again. Recycling memos and directives from previous years - fuck sometimes even previous jobs - and you will think to yourself, "Man, it seems like just yesterday I had to do this." But nope. It's been a whole fucking year and you have done very little to change your station or your destiny in that year, even if it seems like you've done a lot... You've actually done squat.

I'm Drew's age and I've already turned into one of those fucks who says, "Where does the time go?"
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12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
Having graduated 5 years ago (and again 1 year ago), I know for a fact that half of those bullets are completely correct (and I'm not yet experienced enough/with child to know about the others).

/FML
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UpstateUnderdog
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
My best memory from my graduation was a fellow graduate sitting about 2 rows behind me throwing up all over himself. Way to make mom and dad proud a-hole.
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bigredgambler
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
I was promised NSFW Inga. I only got smiley faces and Pee Wee's buttcheeks. At least the underside of my desk is safe for another day.
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Drew Magary
05/14/09

@bigredgambler: Fixed. You get nips now!
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Mach3_Manscape
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
I hate work, but i can't wait to go because of these fucking Hitler children of mine. So I hate work and I hate being home. Every once in a while the wife has to take the kids somewhere and I get to be home alone. I then get to search for the sweetest porn clips the internet can offer. The mini-masturbation vacation. I live for it now.
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Dany Heatley Speedwagon
05/14/09

@Mach III Manscape: Stop it, you're scaring me!

/married without kids
//so far
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Dickens_Ghost
05/29/09

@Mach III Manscape:

Always the happiest 15 minutes of my day.
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Gourmet Spud
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
If you are 23 and under, that column probably made you feel really bad. If you are 24 or older, it definitely made you feel really good. Like some sort of profanity-laced scotch.
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greenfield-comma-tim
05/14/09

@Gourmet Spud: I have 1.5 years left. I'm depressed as shit now.
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Gourmet Spud
05/14/09

@greenfield-comma-tim:

Then what are you doing here? Go out and live, damn you! LIVE!
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MarkKelsosMigraine
05/14/09

@Gourmet Spud: Or like finding a coupon for Smart Balance! 35 cents motherfucker!!
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HernandezStache
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
When you do get married/engaged/seriously dating, you'll be forced into oouples dinner. This is when you gf/wife brings her asshole friends and their husbands/bfs to dinner and thinks because you all have dicks, you'll get along. You'll want to commit a table-wide genocide when you realize there are actually guys in this country who don't follow sports at all.
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UpstateUnderdog
05/14/09

@Cherokee Parks Was Misunderstood: what I was trying to say is my daughter does the same thing.
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Dany Heatley Speedwagon
05/14/09

@HernandezStache: SERIOUSLY... these are the same assholes who talk when you inevitably go downstairs to watch the game. Just shut the fuck up and enjoy the game dude.
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MarkKelsosMigraine
05/14/09

@HernandezStache: I worked on Broadway for a long time. To some of these male dancers, it is like football season doesn't even exist!
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VTBen
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
Also, don't have just one kid. Only children think they're such hot shit since they've never had an older/younger sibling to compete with.

Oh shit I'm graduating this month! I'm part of the class of 2009! I'm fucked!
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Len Bias Cocaine Surplus
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
I still have 2 days left of fun life...
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MarkKelsosMigraine
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
College grads don't deserve to be feted by celebrities, or honored, or lifted up with inspiring words.

Unless, of course, you were forced to spend your college years in Pennsylvania. Then you deserve the Presidents Medal of fucking Courage.

/Hey, a casino in Bethlehem! Maybe the white flight will finally stop!
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Quake 'n' Shake
05/14/09

@MarkKelsosMigraine: Boo-hoo. Nobody put a gun to your head.
I spent mine in rural Upstate NY.... You were in San f--king Diego compared to me. You don't see me bitching about it....

Wait, I do. All the time. Carry on then.
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UpstateUnderdog
05/14/09

@Quake 'n' Shake: rural Upstate NY is almost redundant

/Capital District represent
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MarkKelsosMigraine
05/14/09

@Quake 'n' Shake:

NYC > Philly (sorry AJ)

Adirondacks > Poconos

Binghamton > Allentown

Wings > Soft Pretzels

NYS > PA
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UpstateUnderdog
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
"Not only does my kid come storming into the room at 6AM, but she screams WAKE UP at the top of her lungs every damn time."

Drew, It's as if you were in my bedroom this morning.

Great speech Drew, lofty speech.
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ClueHeywood
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
Also, when you get older, one of the few joys in your life will be spending most of your workday making dick jokes on sports blogs for a collection of idiots.

/dick joke.
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Dany Heatley Speedwagon
05/14/09

@ClueHeywood: By "collection of idiots" I assume you mean everyone else here but me?
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ClueHeywood
05/14/09

@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Apologies, but it's all inclusive. I include myself in said collection of idiots, because I use my 21 years of formal education to make dick jokes. And I love nothing more.
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Dany Heatley Speedwagon
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
The man speaks the truth. Listen the fuck up kiddies. And he's right... weekends do suck and why can't I just stay home and drink my own damn beer?

I would have added something about your metabolism slows the fuck down and how you will put on weight like never before but I think you just left that out because from what I gathered you've always been a glutton Drew.
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Drew Magary
05/14/09

@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Yup. I was gonna put in a "You're gonna get fat" section. But then half the comments would have rightly said "Gonna, Drew?"
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Peter Cavan
05/14/09

In reply to A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
This man speaks the truth. I have lived more than half of these experiences since I graduated college. I am now horribly, horribly depressed.

Also, I'm stuck in a boring meeting. I dream of a new, interesting career that I will never have.
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