Alba and Davis are friends because of Alba's husband, Cash Warren, who played basketball with Davis at Crossroads High School in Los Angeles. That's why she's turned up at various Warriors games over the past two seasons, and why I'm never likely to see her again around my Bay Area stomping grounds due to Davis signing a 5-year, $65 million dollar deal with the Clippers this past July. Now I have to settle for Penny Marshall? Thanks a lot Chris Mullin, you twit.

Thanks to the folks at the wonderfully-titled blog Less Clothes for the photos, more of which can be found here.

World Exclusive — Jessica Alba [Less Clothes]
NBA Star Baron Davis: I'm On Jenny Craig! [People]

So here's the explanation as to why Steve Nash and Baron Davis were dressed like weirdos and riding a tandem bike in Santa Monica recently. Although I still don't fully understand. Can someone help me out here?

What I know: It was some kind of online movie trailer spoof, apparently, and the two were going for the Step Brothers look. Although filming themselves building bunk beds would have been much funnier.

Competition: Best Movie Trailer Spoof [I Beat You]

Your bionic eyes are not malfunctioning. You read that correctly.

Although it can't become official until July 9th - the first day NBA teams can officially complete free-agent deals and trades after the league-wide moratorium on roster moves is lifted — Boom-Dizzle and his mighty beard are headed for Clipperland.

Said Davis: "It's tough, but you have to do what's best, You have to do what's fair. I'm happy with where I'm going. A big reason is because of the impact and the things that I can do going forward. I knew I could have done them here and created all kinds of good things and positive things in the community, and ultimately, me going home helps me make an impact on young kids."

Blah, blah, blah. Kids, schmids. The biggest reason for B-Diddy's change of heart is the impact on his wallet: The Clippers are offering him a five-year, $65 million deal. And that kind of guaranteed, long-term security is tough to pass up. Especially for a player who, in the past, has displayed all the durability of a delicate stained glass window. And the fact of the matter is, the Warriors weren't willing to offer him that security.

This is how Davis' agent Todd Ramasar put it: "I'm sure a lot of people were surprised yesterday when Baron opted out, but it was done with the idea that the Warriors would come back with something else. We still expected a discussion for Baron to remain a Warrior. He had a great run with the Warriors. That had become home for him. ... [But] this is about having the best team in place, especially at this point in his career. Baron just wants to win. He has a chance to do something special with the Clippers and come back home."

Baron just wants to win...yeah, right. Look, I may have flunked second grade math, but even I know this: Nobody who wants to win chooses to play for the Los Angeles Clippers. That would be saying you went on Fear Factor and ate sheep testicles because you want to be President.

Here are the immediate implications of Baron's decision: First, the Clippers are much more likely to re-sign Elton Brand, who has stated he won't commit to more time in hell without some "established help." However, that would mean the end of the Corey Maggette Era in L.A., because the Clippers don't have the moolah to sign Davis, Brand and Maggette...and Maggette would definitely be the odd man out in that scenario.

The Warriors, meanwhile, are going to become much, much worse. They extended a five-year, $100 million contract offer to Gilbert Arenas. But Washington can offer Agent Zero more years and more zeros, so you can probably expect him to stay put, particularly since Antawn Jamison just agreed to a $50 million contract extension with the Wizards and said: "With Gilbert coming back and Gilbert being 100 percent healthy, we are one of the most dangerous teams in the NBA." Sure sounds like Antawn knows something we don't know.

Despite his newfound financial freedom, Davis is all emotional about leaving the city he helped bring back from the dead. "If it wasn't for the Bay Area, I don't know where I would be. When I came from New Orleans, I was injured. I didn't know if I would ever be able to really reclaim any type of basketball prowess, and from the time I walked to that table against the Detroit Pistons (for the first game), I always knew that I could accomplish anything here. I wanted to be here for a long time. I still consider this home. The fans have done nothing but encourage, congratulate and support everything that I've ever done. I just took what was best for me." Who ever knew that becoming a Clipper was the "best thing" for anybody.

Other random notes: It looks like Chris Paul is going to sign an extension with the Hornets, for anywhere from three to five years and for $60 million to more than $80 million. The Sacramento Kings are going to hold on to Beno Udrih for five years at the full mid-level exception. And Brent Barry opted out of his contract with the Spurs...destination unknown.

Which means 22 years from now, we might look back at this video of Golden State Warriors guard Baron Davis roller skating to the tune of "Cool It Now" in that same strange light. Those sunglasses. Those shorts. That disturbingly low-cut wifebeater. Why am I continuing to watch this video more than twice?

Now, try flipping back and forth between the Baron Davis video and the 1986 Dodgers video. Do you even have a reason to live anymore?

Framed [Yahoo! Sports]
Baseball Boogie [YouTube]

The cougar movement is one that, in the last few years, has blossomed into a full-on cultural phenomenon. Not unlike MILF before it, Cougardom has become part of the conversational lexicon, spanning both age and race. Strangely enough, many older women are embracing this term, thinking that that being a "cougar" makes them automatically attractive to younger men. Sometimes that is the case. Sometimes ... not so much. (Side note # 1: Mr. Mamula used the term "Cougar Swarm" in an anecdote on Monday, which seems like an excellent name for a roller derby team or a top secret military group composed of 40-year-old female acrobats.)

Now Cougardom has hit the NBA, with Nuggets Warriors(fuck,sorry) baller Baron Davis supposedly deep-dicking the spindly-legged, 42-year-old Teri Hatcher. And in many of the stories surrounding the Hatcher/Davis unholy union, Ms. Hatcher was described as a "cougar." So were they saying she was attractive? Beat to shit? It was hard to tell since, in my humble opinion, Teri Hatcher could probably fall on both sides of the line.

I consulted Urban Dictionary for clarification which, in its infinite wisdom, had 42 definitions for "cougar." Some definitions stated there needed to be some smidgen of attractiveness required; others said that it was not. This definition seemed most accurate:

have been party girl/s who are now angry they are not married and prey on younger men; common traits include leathery skin from frequent tanning sessions, smoking, anti-depressant use, and a large collection of "massagers.

The anti-depressants are key. (Side Note # 2: In reading through Urban Dictionary, I was reminded that "Smoky Tornado" has its own definition. Thanks again to Ryan Real for submitting it. I'm eternally grateful. )

Unlike the Pinot Grigio-soaked dusty bitches in Talbot's floral print pants most of us run into at local drinking establishments, the cougars of the NBA elite tend to have a little more quality. Just like tattoos and baggy shorts, it seems like this has the makings of becoming a trend amongst some of the league's black players. So don't be surprised to find more of these Hatcher/Davis-esque hook-ups during the next couple months. In other words, beware the Cougar Swarm.

So, this week, I'm speed-chugging a caraf of Cavit's, pretending my right palm is Jessica Tandy and placing odds on the next raggedy broad to snag a chocolate pickle.

Let's get blinded by hot flashes, after this MORE.

—-—-—-—-—-—-

Cybill Shepherd: 3/1

Even though she was almost cancer-whacked a couple years ago, Cybill Shepherd's one tough lady. And that's why she doesn't have time to screw around with any silly longterm romance or cowtow to an emotionally fragile white boy. She's achin' for a brown quakin', and she always get what she wants. However, because she's so domineering she'll require a young boy that needs some of the edges smoothed out. The solution? Andray Blatche will be living with her by the tenth game of the season.

Valerie Bertinelli: 5/1

Now that she's 40 pounds slimmer, she's dead-set on fulfilling one of her fantasies of banging a shimmering black athlete. Still bitter about her divorce from Eddie Van Halen, she'll make sure that this reunion tour the VH brothers (and son) are on this year won't be the only reason her name comes up in conversations. Remember, "One Day at a Time" used to be on the same night as "The Jeffersons." So, she knows about the negroes. It's about time she got to really know one.

Arianna Huffington: 4/1

With the presidential elections heating up, this giant Greek liberal lady will want to keep her eggplant poaching on the down low, but after glad-handing with Barack Obama for the next few months, she's gonna get the itch. I vonder wot eed be like to be taken by zee dark man...she'll think. She'll start out by soliciting some of the Olympic players to start posting on her blog. Then she'll invite them over her house for intimate dinners to try to figure out what makes them tick. Then she'll be impressed by the strength of their calves. Next thing you know, Arianna's eating olives out of Chris Bosh's belly button.

Mary Louise Parker: 1/4

Total chalk. She's divorced, having a resurgence in her career, sneakily hot, and stars on a show where she deals pot for a living. I wouldn't be surprised if half the LA Clippers already don't have her number in their cell phones. At some point, Parker will become embroiled in one of those chemistry-ruining Jimmy Jackson-Toni Braxton-Jason Kidd-type scenarios. She'll move on from that, and onto the next set of size 13 sneakers by the All-Star break. By the end of this season, she will have AND1 tatooed on her labia.

If you watch closely, you can see Andrei Kirilenko looking back at Baron Davis afterwards, as if to say, "You know, that really wasn't necessary." Even Adonal Foyle crinkled up his nose in a "Damn that was nasty," kind of a way. When Adonal Foyle acknowledges the nastiness, you know things just got nasty.

And that's pretty much the way things went for the Warriors last night. The threes were falling, their rebound deficit was much more manageable, the Jazz were hamstrung by guard foul trouble, and a couple minutes into the second quarter, things had been pretty much decided. Baron Davis had 32, Jason Richardson had 25, and Stephen Jackson only had 8, but you can't discount the value of Baron Davis having his shoulders kept dirt-free.

On This Night, Utah Can't Hang with Golden State [TrueHoop]

We never really noticed it until Monday afternoon, when KNBR Radio's Ted Robinson brought it up, but Baron Davis' stellar play against the Mavericks so far might be the best point guard performance by a beard since Walt Frazier led the Knicks to the NBA title in 1973. Sure, other beards have performed well in the clutch; most notably Bill Walton's for the Trail Blazers in 1977. And let's not forget Clifford Ray's beard, which teamed with George Johnson's gigantic 'fro to form a center tandem that led the Warriors to the NBA title in 1975. But at the point guard position, has there ever been a MVW (Most Valuable Whiskers) candidate to beat these two? We can't think of one.

Small wonder then that Dirk Nowitzki is struggling against the Warriors so far. If this is what passes for a beard in Germany, it's no wonder the Mavericks are down 3-1. On Monday, Dallas coach Avery Johnson boldly addressed the beard issue, and did not pull any punches.

"I'm tired of hearing about how they've taken him out of his game and any lack of confidence. You're just not supposed to have that, all right," said Johnson of Nowitzki. "I wasn't the best of players and didn't have the best of skills, but you were not going to shake my confidence. We need all of our players to be confident, to be resilient, to be persistent and that's what I want to see tomorrow. If I don't see it at shootaround, I'm going to be highly upset."

OK, technically not about beards, but we can read between the lines. Will the Mavericks be able to muster enough facial hair to stave off early elimination? Stay tuned.

Mavs Coach Angry With Nowitzki's Attitude [MSNBC]

Therefore, we love watching these Golden State Warriors — convincing upset winners over Dallas in Game 1 of their series last night — because they seem to understand some secret about the Mavericks, whom they have not lost to yet this season. During the game last night, it seemed amazing that the Mavericks were the team that had won 67 games, not the Warriors; Golden State looked the better the whole game, and there wasn't a time Baron Davis didn't look like the biggest man on the court. (And oh that beard!)

Listen, the odds are still in favor of Dallas figuring out this little blind spot before they've lost three more of these. But for fans of a team like Golden State, who have been waiting so long to even have the opportunity to play on this stage ... what a sweet morning this is. Maybe the NBA should have playoff beards of its own.

Playoff Recap: Warriors 97, Mavericks 85 - Do You Believe?!! [Golden State Of Mind]

• Coaching Is For Losers. When you get the ball with the clock winding down and your team behind by two points, it's a bit odd to look to your sideline and see your coach doing a crossword puzzle. But that's what happened on Thursday, pretty much, to the Warriors' Baron Davis. So Davis just launched a 3-pointer, and hit it, giving Golden State a 109-107 win over the Rockets. Why no time out to set up a final shot? "I put the ball in the hands of my best player,'' Warrors coach Don Nelson said. "In an open-court situation, he's the boss. I'm not.'' Davis had 24 points.

• Ginobili Rules. Manu Ginobili is back (he missed four games due to a back injury), scoring 24 points as the Spurs beat the Hormets 103-77. We don't know is this quote makes him incredibly tough or incredibly odd: "I'm wearing the pad because I'm a little worried. I don't want to get hit there again. It's more prevention than I really need it, but I feel more comfortable. Sometimes when I draw a charge I feel more comfortable when I land, so I'm going to wear it for a while.''

• May And Morrison To Star In Next Big Buddy Cop Movie. Sean May and Adam Morrison had 32 points and 22 points respectively to lead the Bobcats over the Magic 99-89.

• Mile High Aspirations. Just to keep you updated on where Allen Iverson may be headed now (we'll list every team before we're done, most likely), the Denver Nuggets seem to be the latest hot rumor. According to the Denver Post, the Nuggets are looking to grab Iverson for a push to their first NBA title. And it could be the Nuggets and the Trail Blazers in a three-way trade. Or not.

That's Golden State Warriors swingman Monta Ellis, who's having a breakout year. He's come out of nowhere to average better than 18 points and 4 assists per game for the Warriors. It's the kind of performance that gets a guy picked up in a lot of fantasy leagues, and then gets a guy enough attention to appear on the Jim Rome show ... where Baron Davis smashes what is evidently a gasoline pie in his face.

I don't know what was in that pie that made him react like that, but I love how Jim Rome continues to try to interview him while the man is in obvious physical pain. His eyes are closed, his face is contorted, he's groaning ... "Whoa! How about that, my man!"

Poor Monta. But to see him in moment he might feel a little better about, enjoy this.