The first bear laid waste to several interstellar bodies in support of Alaska-Fairbanks hockey, but this bear is apparently in the employ of the Fairbanks Grizzlies, who are members of something called the Intense Football League. (That was its actual name. They are now the Intense Conference in the Indoor Football League. Intense, right?)

However, it seems more like he's less supportive and more angry with the team's fans for waking him up with their incessant foot stomping. Setting off a nuclear bomb underneath the city was a perfectly reasonable response, but that's not enough for this guy. He then has to go marauding through town with a pick axe, before using a football to destroy NORAD's missile defense shield—which just so happens to be our last line of protection against space bears. Great. WHY DID YOU MAKE ALL THAT NOISE, IDIOTS?

That's followed by two minutes of the Grizzlies logo superimposed over thrashing guitars and explosions. The lesson here is: do not play "We Will Rock You" in Alaska or the Fairbanks Grizzly will seriously fuck your shit up. Hard.

[YouTube via Brooks]

Perhaps it's both fitting and fateful that this announcement comes while Deadspin is in the middle of Hall of Fame nominations. Orton was an inaugural member of the esteemed Hall of Fame class of 2006. God is with him.

Monday is dead and gone. More nominees tomorrow plus two more NFL season previews, college previews, and assorted cultural ephemera from this thing they call "sports."

A.C. was good. Thank you for asking.

And, of course, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Quarterback derby is over for now as Orton edges Rex for starting spot [Chicago Sun-Times]

Three experienced handlers were working with the bear at Randy Miller's Predators in Action facility when the bear bit 39-year-old Stephan Miller on the neck, said San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Cindy Beavers. Stephan Miller is Randy's cousin, she said. Sheriff's Sgt. Dave Phelps said the bear was a 5-year-old male named Rocky. The Predators in Action Web site says Rocky is 7-feet tall, weighs 700 pounds and appeared in a scene in "Semi-Pro'' in which Will Ferrell's character wrestles a bear to promote his basketball team.

I'm not sure who it was who first thought that bears in captivity would be funny, but it's a notion we've retained for hundreds of years, and it rarely ends well; for us or the bears. Yes, this is tragic; but of all the misfortunes that can befall us in this world, this is one of the most avoidable. Rule of thumb: Person in bear suit, funny. Real bear, may kill you. Why do we keep forgetting this?

Semi-Pro Bear Kills Trainer [Variety]

Deadspin Hall of Famer Kyle Orton is back where he belongs: As the Bears starting quarterback.

Kyle Orton will start at quarterback for the Bears on Monday night against the Vikings, coach Lovie Smith announced.

The 5-8 Bears have only a slight chance of making the playoffs, and playing Orton is a sign that they're starting to look toward next season. Orton's last game action was the 2005 season, when he started 15 games as a rookie after Grossman broke his ankle in the preseason.

The prodigal son ... RETURNS!

Deadspin Hall Of Famer Kyle Orton [Deadspin]

But Logan was the one who ended up getting scared and getting the bear's attention. The bear dropped the cooler and headed towards Logan, growling. The boys' dad, an ex-Marine, knew he had to do something. So he grabbed the closest thing he could find — a log. "(I) threw it at it and it happened to hit the bear in the head and I thought it just knocked it out but it actually ended up killing the bear," said Chris, who ended up being cited for not properly storing his food. But that's not what he feels bad about. "I feel bad about killing the bear," said Chris.

Of course had that been Barry Zito, the campsite would have been littered with thrown logs and there would have been bears on second and third with no outs.

By the way, someone should have called Rod Marinelli.

Ex Marine Kills Bear With Log [AccesNorthGa, via Fark]

Deputies were responding to a possible fight off of Highway 38 (near Big Bear) when they found Larry Slayton - Bell's sparring partner - fearing for his life. He also had cuts from running through the brush. He told the deputies that Bell had become angry with him during training in the woods and he threw a hatchet he had been carrying for protection against bears. Slayton then claims he fled, dodging huge rocks Bell threw at him.

First off, we admire any boxing champion who throws hatchets at people; it adds a level of intrigue, danger even, to his public appearances. But mostly, we just like the idea that a guy would so devote himself to the cause of training that he would add in the obstacle of bears. Bears! If Bell could fight off a monstrous bear with a hatchet anyway, he's already earned any championship belts he doesn't already have.

I Think He Took The Training Sequence From Rocky IV A Little Too Far [Rumors And Rants]

Sabrina B. Oei received a bad case of road rash, but wasn't seriously injured and was able to complete the triathalon. The bear also survived the crash and scampered back into the woods. Oei was racing downhill at nearly 40 miles per hour when the collision occurred.

We kind of think there isn't a sporting event that couldn't be made more fun to watch by random throwing in the obstacle of a bear. We think it could do wonders for the World Series of Darts.

Triathlete Survives Bear Crash [Denver Post]