Instead of boring you with more details about this non-event that will only discourage you from reading further or encourage those with a bizarre fetish to hyperventilate, we'll skip ahead to our regularly scheduled DUAN!-ness.

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As we finished up the second weekend of the college football season, we note that still almost no one on the planet has the Big Ten Network, and it doesn't look like there's much hope in sight for anyone who doesn't have DirectTV or The Dish Network. (We repeat: In the age of digital cable, there's no need to have to install a dish. These exclusive deals are the only reason these companies still exist.) Fortunately for anyone who didn't go to a Big Ten school, the Big Ten appears to be terrible this year. Michigan's troubles are well-documented, and even now-prohibitive favorite Wisconsin barely beat UNLV over the weekend. (But hey, how about that Leatherneck shutout!)

Anyway, the Big Ten Network, the one only we care about, is continuing to lobby, and now they're bringing in the big guns: They're bringing in Jared. Yes, the Subway spokesperson showed up at the Penn State game this weekend, as part of a Subway / Big Ten Network promotion. He wore a Penn State jersey the whole game, even though he went to Indiana. He was an even more popular celebrity in Happy Valley over the weekend than alum LaVar Arrington. We still think he could stand to lose a few.

Talkin' Fresh With Jared [Footblog]

As reported by The Fanhouse, Comcast — which doesn't want to offer the Big Ten Network as part of its basic package — has hired a Web advocacy company to impersonate fans on message boards blasting the Big Ten Network. From a Michigan State board:

I'm a big fan of State sports so I went to the Big 10 Network's kick-off party in East Lansing last week. Big 10 Commissioner Jim Delaney was there telling everybody how great this new TV package is going to be for college football and b-ball fans. WHAT A CROCK! Delaney is like the emperor who wore no clothes...the BTC has already sold its best games to ABC and ESPN. How delusional is Delaney and these other Big 10 greedmongers who want to charge us for the games we'd be able to see on our local cable station? If you want to learn more about the Big 10's big time rip off, I found a web site that explains a lot... www.puttingfansfirst.org VICTORY FOR MSU!!!

It's bad enough that companies are fighting over money to the point that they're not letting us watch games we want to watch. Now they're posing as fans to attempt some sort of idiotic viral marketing scheme. We repeat: The people who run our sports think we're all idiots. And we have no choice but to take it. First person to figure out how to pirate the Big Ten Network and put it for free on the Web wins a cookie. Screw 'em all.

Comcast Posing As Big Ten Fans In Anti-BTN Astroturfing Campaign [The Fanhouse]
Wake up Martin Waymire Advocacy Communications! [Spartan Tailgate]

But, Will, you ask, aren't you a Big Ten guy? Don't you get swoony over memories of Kiwane Garris? Yes, and yes. But we live in New York City — that is to say, away from Big Ten country, a classification held by many, many Big Ten alums — and that makes it extremely unlikely we're gonna be able to watch this channel unless, of course, we (all together now) buy DirectTV. (We remind that New York City still doesn't have the NFL Network.)

This sort of extortion is bad enough when practiced by the NFL and Major League Baseball. But when one conference pulls this stunt, it seems potentially self-destructive. We'll always find a way to watch the NFL. Will we always find a way to watch an Indiana-Eastern Illinois game in early September? As sports evolve into purely television entities, we continue to find it strange just how many, for whatever reason, find it in their best long-term interest to reduce the number of people who can watch their games.

Is Jim Delany Selling Out Big Ten Football To Be A Big Time TV Guy? [The M Zone]