It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Thanks For Thinking Of Us While Rummaging Through Your Good Friend's Facebook

AJ,

Big fan…longtime reader, first time emailer. Check out the attached photo. This is from a good friend's Facebook profile. It sure looks to me like Mark Cuban has his way with the ladies in Vegas. Use if you'd like, but please keep my name off.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

P.S. I got some other good Vegas pics of chicks with athletes. I'll email them later.

Good To Know ND Players Are Taking Photos During Practice

Got this from a friend on the team. Jimmy's visor he is practicing with and will wear on saturday night.

Trafficking in Slieze

I am unable to find so much as an unsupported allegation of impropriety by Tiger anywhere in your latest piece of trash in what has become a steady flow a slieze. I come here often and get some big laughs, but I've just about had enough. Are you people trying to see how irresposible and harmful you can be? Bill DeMark

Young Simmons Fan May Have Inadvertently Gotten His Fraternity in Trouble

"Q: I'm pledging a fraternity right now. Last night they put us in a cold shower for one hour and then tied us up outside to a pole wearing only our boxers in 30-degree weather for a couple of hours and I'm positive that the only thing that kept me from getting hypothermia was the fact that I knew you were suffering more knowing that a likeable Yankees team won the World Series. I want to say thank you for keeping me motivated.
— Eli, Binghamton, N.Y."

The above quote is from Bill Simmons popular mailbag column on ESPN.com, published here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091125

The behavior portrayed here is extremely disturbing and clearly constitutes hazing, and are grounds for felony and misdemeanor hazing charges. This student appears mentally unstable in believing that somebody's misery saved them from contracting hypothermia, and this certainly is a result of hazing brain-washing techniques.

I suggest you look into this situation, and further investigate the people behind these criminal acts. If in fact "Eli" student was dumb enough to use his own name in bragging about this hazing incident, it should not be difficult to find out who he is, and which fraternity he is pledging.

From the Binghamton University Police Policy:

"Binghamton University Policy on Hazing

Hazing, in any form, is not an accepted practice in Fraternity and Sorority Affairs. Binghamton University takes a strong and proactive stance against hazing for all students on campus. Hazing is against university policy and New York State Law. Please refer to the student code of conduct for a complete definition."

These are the NY state laws on hazing:

http://www.stophazing.org/laws/ny_law.htm

Thanks For Taking Some Time To Stop Drinking And Apply For A Job At Deadspin

Dashiell

I love deadspin! I am interrupting my thanksgiving because I'm forseeing a
blackout and i think i have a solid article idea. Oh my God my grandma
just asked me what a computer does. Anyways Jim Nantz for third time in
the first quarter has called a player down before actually being tackled
and then exclaims when the player riffles off like 5 more yards. Is this
clearly an attempt to make sound bites or does he announce flag football
and is confused as to when a player is down?

My dream is to become a deadspin writer or contributer and have been
caught by my boss many times and he says who pays you the dumb websites
you look at or me. Then I have to tell him that the actual owner is the
one who signs my modest checks not him. How does one get on the deadspin
team? This is not my best idea im a little buzzed and cannot believe how
well im spelling. Hope to hear from you.

Happy Thanksgiving
John L. D

And Here Are Two Photos of Billy Gillispie At A Lexington Bar Sent To Us For No Reason

And Everyone Tries To Fuck With Drew After Pat Murphy

Drew,
I am a student here at the University of Alabama, and have a short and sweet story about the Nicktator. A friend of mine works up at the athletic department, and one day she decided that she would make banana pudding for Coach Saban. So she shows up one afternoon and can not find Saban, and learns he has just left the building. Cute girl, chases down Saban as he is approaching his car. She walks up to him, and offers him the banana pudding she has made just for him. He sternly responds, "I don't eat banana pudding", gets in his car and speeds off. He knew someone with such penchant for Little Debbie does not like banana pudding.

•Charlie Davies shattered his leg and fractured his face and arm. A doctor says recovery will take 6-to-12 months, making the World Cup an improbability. But things could have been a lot worse. For another passenger, they were.

•The Yankees are leaning toward going with a three-man rotation in the ALCS, keeping Joba Chamberlain in the bullpen. Considering ESPN actually put him in their Bodies Issue, the less exposure for Joba, the better.

•It's clear now that the real Gilbert Arenas is dead, and has been replaced with Bizarro Gilbert. He was fined $25k for refusing to talk to the media.

•Billy Wagner might hang it up, saying "[he's] got nothing left to accomplish." I agree. Fourteen September innings for a team that gets swept in the first round is truly the pinnacle from which to retire.

•Billy Gillispie settled with Kentucky for $3 million over his dismissal, even though he was working without a contract. Wonder where your donations are going, alumni? It ain't building new dorms; it's stuff like paying millions to someone who was legally owed nothing.

•Is a Greek basketball team sending death threats to the agent of an American player clamoring for unpaid wages? Sounds fair, if we can threaten Jake Tsakalidis for overpaid wages.

•Finally, it's like a BCS meeting, but with monkeys! So...it's like a BCS meeting.

The crux of the matter is this: Kentucky hired lover/fighter Gillispie away from Texas A&M two years ago (at the "pinnacle of a meteoric rise"), under the agreement that he would sign a seven-year contract. If he was fired "without cause" during the life of that contract, he would get $1.5 million a year for at least four more years. Except he never actually signed a formal employment contract, despite working there for two full seasons, so Kentucky says they don't owe him jack.

However, Gillispie did sign a "Memorandum of Understanding" which laid out that basic outline of his employment—years, dollars, incentives, and such—and he claims that the MOU is as good as a contract and that Kentucky treated is as such, since everyone was dragging their feet on the real contract. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if a two-page letter is binding, but his argument does sort of make sense. On the other hand, sign the damn contract already.

Lawsuit highlights below (click to embiggen) or you can read the whole thing here (opens in PDF)

Gillispie seeks millions in suit against UK's Athletics Association [Lexington Herald Leader]
Gillispie Sues UK [Online Sports Guys]

Of course Kentucky is a better job than Memphis. More money, more prestige, a bigger conference, multiple opportunities to meet Ashley Judd. They also have some of the most ungrateful fans in North America. Winning a national championship (which Calipari has yet to do, by the way) is no job security when you're coaching in Lexington. And if all those boosters who just didn't get Billy Gillispie's annoying shtick think John is going to be their new golfing buddy, they got another thing coming.

On the other hand, you don't get to be someone like John Calipari without believing you can bend the universe to your will, so he will probably head to Kentucky determined to tame the Wildcat faithful and carve his name into Rupp Arena. No 2-seeds for 30-win teams in the SEC! Plus, there's the whole ghost of Rick Pitino thing, which only makes it more tempting. This is all provided the money is right, which it should be, because Billy Gillispie never signed the seven-year contract that would have guaranteed him a $6 million buyout, so UK is probably off the hook for that.

I believe the term you're looking for is: (forehead slap!)

Source: Calipari contemplate taking Kentucky job [ESPN]
Gillispie out at Kentucky after two seasons [Times Gazette]

The reporter in the video is WLEX 18's Alan Cutler, who, for whatever reason, felt that getting the former Kentucky head coach on the record immediately after he was canned was crucial and worthy of stalkerazzi-style reporting techniques. It's hilarious watching Gilliispie do the cellphone-to-the-ear trick ( a known TMZ repellent) in an attempt to ward off the two or three television reporters following him around the campus. When that fails, he goes into a swift jog, trying to shake the dogged Cutler who's cutting him off at every angle. " I can run all day, Billy!," Cutler says at one point. But, alas, he's finally stopped by a secretary as soon as Gillispie reaches the safety of his office.

Cutler's behavior is being criticized,
but nothing can compare to the bashing Gillispie's getting, as most of the reports suggest that it wasn't his coaching record that was the problem, but his wild-eyed hillbillyness that ended his reign at UK. Or, as Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart put it, they had a "a difference in philosophies." :

"There is a clear gap in how the rules and responsibilities overseeing the program are viewed. It is a gap I do not believe can be solved by just winning games."

UK's now looking for a more polished, regal candidate, one that will restore the image of the school's program as one of the country's elite. Names like Izzo, Calipari and, yes, Pitino are being tossed around as potential candidates.(What's with Kentucky's obsession with Italians?) As for Gillispie, he stated he has no hard feelings about Kentucky, but does expect to be paid the $6 million of his contract. UK, on the other hand, says it has no intention of paying the buyout because they basically think Gillispie's the most heinous individual ever to step foot into Lexington.

Stalking Gillispie....[OnlineSportsGuys]

There has been no official word yet, one way or the other, but all signs point to head coach Billy Gillispie getting the axe after just two seasons in Lexington. His record is 40-27 (20-12 in the SEC), which would be just lovely for a lot of schools but not for those that believe basketball is their birthright. The line that is already being pushed is that Gillispie is "not the right fit." He hasn't made friends with the right people, doesn't "build relationships" well, and does not have a winning rapport with the media. (As Jeanine Edwards could tell you, all those things are very true.)

Gillispie did seem a bit aloof and possibly resigned to his fate after the Notre Dame loss last night. Moments like this tend to test your faith, although at least one wire service reporter maybe didn't quite pick up on that vibe.

Asked about how he feels about all the judgment he's facing after posing a 40-27 record in two seasons at Kentucky, Gillispie said: "There's only one judgment I'll ever be concerned about, and I hope I pass that judgment. That's the only one I'll ever be concerned about, and I'm really proud that that's the only judgment that will ever have a real effect on me, and I hope I pass that one with flying colors."

Gillispie declined to answer when asked whose judgment he was referring to, saying it was obvious, apparently referring to Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart.

Obviously. I mean, who else could he possibly be talking about?

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish [ESPN]
Gillispie shows little emotion after loss [Kentucky.com]
Kentucky supporters back program mum on Gillispie [The Williamson Daily News]
Billy G's biggest problem? He doesn't get it [News Enterprise]
UK Basketball: How Did It Come to This? [WKYT]

Edwards had the temerity to suggest that Kentucky might be concerned that the team's leading scorer had only six points at halftime. That was just stupid and Gillispie told her so, saying that Kentucky is not a one-man show and Edwards had asked a "bad question."

You see, just because Jodie Meeks is one of only two players on the squad averaging double-digits that doesn't mean the Wildcats need him to score points or anything. I mean, he added 15 in the second half—even though Ole Miss held him to just four field goals for the entire game and he missed his average by four points—and Kentucky still lost! So clearly he's not the most important player on the team, you dummy.

ATB: No Bad Questions, Just Bad Reporters… [Rush The Court]
Billy Gillispie Rips ESPN Reporter Jeannine Edwards, video [NESW Sports]