It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Citizen Journalism At Its Finest

A. Has anyone actually SEEN Mark Sanchez's birth certificate? If I am not mistaken, Sanchez is a Mexican name. And have you seen the way he scrambles? Is it possible he honed these skills evading the US Border Patrol? All I'm saying is that someone should at least look into it...and perhaps we should save QB jobs in the National Football League for those who are, you know, US nationals.

B. This morning while fetching some bagels for my family, I was passed on the street by Will Leitch, a famous sports blogger (see attached photo). He was wearing a Cardinals #47 Ludwick t-shirt and maroon shorts. He was sweaty and surprisingly small.

Just thought you'd like to know!

DH

KEEP UP THE SUCK

It's really hard to ignore how much worse the site has become with you in charge. I'm a Philly guy myself and I do(?)/did like when you would write in occasionally when Leitch was running the ship, but since you took over the site has simply sunk to mediocrity. I could care less about the comments - what bothers me is how often you just link to other stories on other sites rather than have original Deadspin stuff. That's the lazy way out. Craggs journalism is hardly journalism. In fact, it's not, and what he writes usually just sucks. The only good thing I've seen in the last, I don't know, four months, was the homage to the Mets season yesterday.

This email won't do anything, I know that. The site won't change, it'll just continue to get worse and worse, but I couldn't take it any longer. I had to voice my opinion via email.

My suggestion - put Drew in charge. When he writes I actually laugh, and it seems like he tries. He won't just link to another site. Also the FJM guys. They gave a damn. You should take some notes, but until then, keep up the suck.

That's His Prerogative

You never talked to the parents of the 120 folks who want to stay and become young men and leaders. You talk to "former" players who dont like to work and left the program. Cmon Mr Cragg how bias can you be? You corner two young freshman during media day and of course they are going to say that they work all day long...this is nothing more than a smear campaign and you know it! Get the facts before you write stuff like this. Talk to your fellow journalist and see what they are saying about Rosenberg's article. Presents fact Mr Craggs.

Bobby Brown

This Person Does Not Want Drew In Charge

Drew Magary is 20% more gay than your average sportswriter.

Fuck you. You fat ugly piece of shit. I know what you look like and I speak on behalf of every Niner fan when I wish you a slow and painful death. You self righteous asshole, how dare you write about the 49ers. You are dog shit and you don't deserve to write about the 49ers. I'm sorry you had to live through the 80's and 90's and watch the best team in football. Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, Bill Walsh, Ronnie Lott, your fat ass doesn't deserve to hold their sweaty jock straps, and this team will be back. Fuck you. You sit behind a desk and think that you can write whatever you please. You better watch your back Drew Magary, your personal information is on the web for anyone with half a brain to hack and find out where you live. You are a fat, angry slob. FUCK YOU. if you ever write about the 49ers again you will be sorry.

Asshole.

-49er Faithful

No Hitting, FYI

AJ,

Bringing Craggs on was genius but it seems this Blazer Girl is the
Foxy Brown to your Reservoir Dogs. Please do not condone the voice of
blond sorority girls that have sports knowledge based off what they
hear off Sportscenter and Rome is Burning. You are ruining Deadspin
with this girl. Sorry dude. I was a big fan of yours but Jesus
Christ, did you end up at a Red Bull promotion and fell in live with
some cute girl that had half a pulse on sports?

I know i have no credence as I attempted to send you a video of a bud
of mine pissing himself in a pair of Depends, but Jesus Christ, if
Leitch pooped the bed with the idea of going on Costas Now, you are
entering the same said bed with explosive diarrhea.

I have faith that you will make the right decision. (I.e. hit it and quit it.)

Matt T.

Dallas, Tx

Yeah, You Guys Suck Too

What the fuck happened to the comments on this site? They used to be funny and entertaining, now it just seems like you have a bunch of little politically correct, crybaby pussies trying to drop life lessons on me. Every time I I read the comments on the site, I feel like I'm in the middle of a debate, with a bunch of socialist nerds, in a political science class. You have a bunch of people, who's opinions I could give two shits about, telling me why it's so wrong that some big black man knocked out a douchey looking white guy for talking shit after a football game. That is funny. That is in the word's of Kenny Banyan "Gold". Why take something so good and ruin it by talking about how disgusting nature of someone's actions. If I wanted that I would go read that yinzer Jay Mariotti's blog.

Example:

Image of Black Hammer White Lightning Black Hammer White Lightning
10:42 AM

"But isn't part of you a little bit pleased that he wiped that fucking smirk off Byron Hout's face?"

Not at all, Dash. How exactly did Hout "start it" when Blount was talking shit all week leading up to the game. As soon as he got a little of it back, he got all punchy.
Reply

I find more enjoyment from reading the comments of an article on foxnews than deadspin. You need to strip all these pansies' commenting privelages and encourage more participation from ppl like Gourmet Spud. It's bad enougg I'm wasting my company's money reading comments about sports, but at least try and help me waste their money reading something that makes me laugh.

Impotently,
Former avid reader of Deadspin comment section

No, Thank You. I Guess.

Random rednecks. Thank you facebook

This Song Has The Potential To Be Huge

I Want to Fuck Your Face Until You Sneeze Pud Snot

(INTRO)

(WANKY GUITAR)

(DRUM FILL)

(CYMBAL CRASH)

Oh, how I want to penetrate your mouth with my wang...
so you'll have a throatful of of scrotum meringue
I'll smack that dirty mouth with my thunder snake skin,
and maybe if you're good...(BEAT)i'll stick it under your chin.

(WANKY GUITAR)

Yeah, you herpe'd faggot, I'm gonna blow the love fog in,
drop my balls in some yolk, let's get to homo egg noggin'
Cover your back with my squishy thick man spray,
punch your mother in the face, then fuck her on a stingray

Pre Chorus:

You're flying blind, your eyes are filled with spunk,
You want my love you have to worship dago junk.

CHORUS:

Iiiiiiii....gonna fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fuck you in the face
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you in the face.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you in the face.

The pud snot's rockin', let's join the gang rape.

Tha't's all i got right now. I envision this sounding a little like Tin Machine.

Yes, for some reason, a Chinese newspaper did a lengthy feature on our feisty gal in Oregon and through the magic of Google Translator, we can somewhat make out what the hell they're babbling about.

Sports network has a pioneer in hearing some remarks made by fans, attracted wide media attention the Lakers, on the network people to call this girl called "pioneer girl"

She was a lovely young woman (at least from her point of view is this photo). Clearly, she was the last year in the University of Oregon has done, than those living in Portland separately outside the borders of the city, even living in the north-west better than NBA fans.

n her writing some of the blog, she will Yiwuyishi tell you that she's wearing the other fans who feel disgust, as if like her living in the cracks of the city's people more than anybody else has a stylish atmosphere. However, she has resolved his contempt for the fans in Los Angeles, but before that he was in Los Angeles, is still quite honorably.

"I was born in Los Angeles contempt. As a Portland fan, it is only right and proper. I gradually grew up, when I finished off the rift inside the city of cartoon glasses of alcohol and accompany me to those around us on the wall depicting life-size posters of Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter, I would think: this is all tailor-made for me. "
Poor child.

"Life is only one professional sports organization in the states, which means that large group of fans will be coming in when the playoffs get excited. Usually it also means that this time of year, we have to endure a large number of pseudo-fan of the Lakers. "

"In a campus bar, I drank cheap beer, while watching the Lakers and the Nuggets series of the first. After all, I still go to school, did not pocket the money, but also in the all around me watching with is not a professional group of 'fans', what I drink wine or less important. I can tell you a very interesting phenomenon: cheap beer, the equivalent of a drunk I am. Whenever I drink the rise, I will become more filled with hatred and cause trouble everywhere. "

"有一点可以肯定，就在喝完几瓶银子弹之后，我对湖人的憎恨就会表露无疑。" "One thing is certain, just after drinking bottles of silver bullets, I hate the Lakers will be making their voice heard."

Perhaps now that the schools have been opened, and she can farther away from those cheap beer, but also to avoid the health of non-gratuitous: she can concentrate on learning the. 但是我可不想这样。 But I do not want this.

In a way, "pioneers Girl," has become a celebrity. 现在，我们经常可以在Deadspin.com网站看到她的出现。 Now, we can often see her in the emergence of Web site Deadspin.com. There is no doubt that in the new season approaching, she would tell her story more.

See? This all makes so much more sense now. Commence bitching.

Trail Blazers Lakers girls bombarded the network: the inherent hatred of Los Angeles [Sports Network]

Defacing aside — Daulerio himself claims to have ashed on the star during his brief time squiring Blazer Girl around the ESPN compound — it's about time ESPN got around to acknowledging Chris Berman's contributions. He has done so much for the network, and yet there are stretches when we go an entire week without seeing that clip of Berman running a fade route in Tampa. If it weren't for the fact that he lies atop ESPN like a 300-pound turd blanket, one might easily forget he was ever there.

Our tipster also writes:

I see you guys got a look inside the beast that is the Bristol Campus Compound. It's really just a collection of office buildings, many of the cubes go unused because you spend your time in a common room cutting highlights or the "newsroom" which is a giant clusterfuck.

Everyone that works in the newsroom was picked on as a child and is now trying to prove how "cool" they are working for ESPN.

Example: That douchebag's desk with the bobble heads... I am pretty sure I know who he is. Tall guy who wears his cowboy hat around campus being a douchebag. The guy gets incredibly loud walking around thinking he is friends with everyone. He's a loser and can eat a bag of dicks.

Anyway, thought I would send you the latest addition to the ESPN "Quad" ... a Walk of Fame. Just like Hollywood but with less hookers.

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Even you, Dwyer. Petchesky will be here soon.

This is ESPN's replica football field, erected right smack in the middle of campus so Chris Berman can spend his lunch breaks recreating that one time he caught a pass at Buccaneers practice.

ESPN The Café plays Taylor Swift's CD on repeat.

ESPN does its finest work here: All those SportsCenter commercials are shot along this carpet.

Bristol is such a playland for overgrown children that the only thing weird about this photo is the cowboy hat.

Suck it, Google!

From left: Chris Berman, Bob Ley, Chuck Pagano (the executive VP of technology, engineering and operations who's been around since ESPN's debut). Together, they're like the Mount Rushmore of ESPN, if the dudes on Mount Rushmore all wore chinos.

Three things I learned about Chris Berman: Chris Berman loves Diet Coke. Chris Berman hates the idea of a televised three-day NFL Draft. "Why put the NFL Draft on TV?" he grouched. "That's like reading the Manhattan phonebook. NFL Draft, three nights — Jesus, I wanna sign off." And, lastly, Chris Berman would not tell me whether the 49ers ever gave him an honorary Super Bowl ring. I will take that as a yes.

Very soon, fantasy football GMs will be able to use some fancy, overpriced iPhone application to manage their teams, combining two things ESPN has always excelled at: fantasy games and mobile technology.

From here, you can control what happens on SportsCenter and in North American airspace!

And meanwhile, there's this — some ancient television set in a crappy box, like something a college kid might leave on a curb somewhere. Half the time, it doesn't even work. Nobody seems to know what it's doing there. I like to think ESPN keeps it around as a symbol of its lost innocence.

"Candy" is of course Bristol slang for hard drugs.

Hannah Storm likes to talk. In the brief time I spent with her (an hour), she had a wardrobe change. And she is, as A.J. has noted, radiant. And probably a foot taller than any man who writes (or comments) for a blog. To her right is Vince Doria, director of news, whom you probably last saw on a Community Chest card.

This is Robert Smith. He came in with sunglasses on top of his head — mind you, it was raining this day — and his tie was long and untied and just draped around his neck. He talked a little bit, but mostly just sat there with a half-smile, making the O.J. Simpson face. Robert Smith is a douche.

Here's the set of Mike and Mike, only on this day it was minus one Mike. Filling in for Greenberg was a plastic lawn ornament named Erik Kuselias, who claims to be a fan of Deadspin. He's wearing a helmet here.

Here's Erik Kuselias, up close and personal. Hi, Erik! He's wearing a different sort of helmet here.

And this is Erik Kuselias' bag. Sharp-eyed viewers will note that there is a woman's hairbrush in Erik Kuselias' bag.

Here's Trent Dilfer practically teabagging Tom Jackson and reading aloud some excerpts from his Mark Sanchez/Matt Ryan slash fiction.

I know you've already seen this photo, but I wanted to share a story one guy told me: Apparently, when they first set out the coyotes — to scare off geese, remember — people used to move the coyotes next to co-workers' cars and scare the shit out of them. A memo went out to some of the pranksters, saying, We know you're moving these. Please don't. You're scaring people. So then they did the next best thing: They tried to put the coyotes in their coworkers' cars.

To my left is Michelle Beadle, co-host of SportsNation. "I love Deadspin," Michelle told me, "even though I know you're going to say something awful about me when this photo goes up." (I also met her co-host, Colin Cowherd, though he didn't seem very interested in photos. One thing I learned about Colin Cowherd: He does not hate Deadspin. One thing I did not learn about Colin Cowherd: his new phone number.) To my right is some Australian chick who's about to host some sort of international thing that I know nothing about. And so our tour ends where it began: with me outside, flanked by two ridiculous and vaguely threatening creatures. So long, Bristol!

The photo is courtesy our gal in Bristol. There are many, many more where these came from. Come back on Sunday for a full gallery of Blazer Girl's adventures among the synthetic creatures of ESPN.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin and its superficial, one-dimensional trash. Bentern makes his glorious return tomorrow. I'm here on Sunday.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

New Vikings Quarterback Used To Get All The Girls

Or "Brett Favre Gettin' Jiggy" via Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Penn Football Is Trying To Toughen Up Their Image

After seeing those slack jawed D-2 faggots giving each other hand jobs in the Trench Coat Mines of Colorado, I had to send this pic.

This is Meanstreet,
-f

Ruination, Etc.

We're really going back to that well huh? Are you trying to bang her? Maybe you're just doing hand stuff. Who knows, there could even be a little mouth stuff peppered in there. It has to be something to that effect, because I can't think of another reason why she's writing for Deadspin....again.

If that's the case I'm not knocking your hustle, I'm just trying to understand how a girl who wrote an article making fun of stereotypes in a bar, while she is herself, a giant fucking stereotype, ends up back for round 2. I get it baby, you're so different it hurts. I'm impressed.

Listen, I love Deadspin, and if all it takes to write for you guys is posting a few douchey pictures of myself in sports gear consider it done. I've got a great one of me from my senior year at Iowa wearing Hawkeye overalls. I look like the biggest hillbilly fucktard you've ever seen. Pencil me in for a column next week on how Jay Cutler brought cool back to Diabetes after Ron Santo ruined it in this town.

I show up for the way Drew can phonetically break down any dialect, and stay for Tommy's run down of why every stadium sucks. I don't need Blazer Girl messing that up, unless she's gonna cut me in on some of that hand stuff. Then she can write whatever she feels like. Oh and you ruined Deadspin or something, bitch.

All the best,

Pat Kenny

More Blazer Girl Outrage

AJ, I've always thought that the whole "AJ has ruined Deadspin" thing was drastically overstated, but this makes give pause. This is the dumbest fucking thing you've ever done. Blazergirl was intolerable in her brief Deadspin cameo, and I hoped that you'd seen so and acted accordingly. Holy shit this sucks. I give up. No more Deadspin. This sucks. Just because I'd fuck that hipster dumbshit doesn't mean I care what she says about ESPN. No offense, but you suck.

Bye,
Chad

To Be Fair, Mr. Craggs Will Earn $28k This Year

Tommy – What was the point of that piece, other than you had to eventually get around to trashing Fenway for your deep-thinking stadium series? Have you ever been there? Is it really that bad a place? You seem to have a problem that some people really like a place that you don't. You are certain they are wrong. You are offended that others see something you don't. Yours will be a long life.

But then again, I'd be pretty pumped if I was pulling in $27,500 to crank out this kind of superficial, one-dimensional trash.

Idea: Camden Yards. Tell us all how bad that place is!!! It will be awesome. I can't' wait!!!

Is this the best they could teach you at UNI High? Your parents must be so proud too. Failed at ESPN and now you're doing this mindless crap that will lead you nowhere. But at least you're making $27,500!!

Awesome, Tommy. Awesome.

Latest email from her:

"Fuck. And Yes. The bike rack is phenom. One of the gentleman running around (who said he spoke to you) and is in charge of this whole thing, i think, said he doesn't think the decoys (ed. note. these are the coyote decoys employed to spook the geese) are still out. But that he'll see if anyone knows where they're stored since I asked nicely."

She's a gamer.

Other things of note from my brief time at tWWL headquarters:

• Remember the movie Last Action Hero? With the one scene where the little boy takes that magical golden ticket to the Movie Land where all the movie characters just blissfully stroll around town in character like it's no big deal? That's kind of like Bristol. Here's a list of people I randomly bumped into or crossed paths with during my two hours on campus.

• Colin Cowherd, looking surly coming in for his morning radio shift.
• Howie "Don't Call Me 'Stump The'" Schwab wearing a baby blue Tomlinson jersey and eating a bag of chips.
• Skip Bayless, looking tense while prepping for First Take
• And a brief reunion with my ex-girlfriend Linda Cohn on the stairwell which resulted in a way too excited embrace on my part. I'm still not over it. I admit it.

Plus:

• At one point I was trotted over to the Sports Center set and introduced to Hannah Storm and Josh Elliott who was very excited about the minor league Tim Tebow night. I wasn't even paying attention to him because I was mesmerized by Hannah Storm's radiance. That lady's impeccable.

More to come.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. New mother nature, etc.

My distaste for LA began early. As a Portland fan, it's just what you do. And since I grew up drinking out of Rip City cartoon glasses, with life-sized Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter posters on my walls, it's exactly what I did.

Inherited distaste became pure hatred in 2001, after the Blazers turned into the least family-friendly team since the '86 Mets, and the Lakers swept them in round one of the playoffs. While the Lakers aren't the REAL reason for the hardships we've faced since, I opt to bitch, moan, and place the blame on them, their fans, and their city anyway. This season is no exception.

Living in a state with only one professional sports organization means that bandwagon fans run amok during the playoffs. And, this time of year, that usually means putting up with a lot of temporary Lakers fans.

I watched the first game of the Lakers-Nuggets series at a bar on campus with the cheapest beer around. This was important, considering how broke I am (I'm in college, after all) and considering the general quality of the "fans" who would be watching the game around me. Cheap beer equaled a drunker (and thus more hateful and overall badass) me.

And sure enough, right after finishing a few pitchers of Bud Light by myself, the Laker hatred surfaced.

Was I upset that the Nuggets performed better at the Staples Center than usual, yet still lost because the shortest guy on their team in-bounded the ball and Kobe tried slightly harder in the fourth quarter than he had the rest of the game? Or was it that the Gotti-style fan sitting at the booth in front of me, with his overly tanned (and freshly shaven!) arms peering out from underneath his white linen shirt, had to look over to his friend with the Derek Fisher jersey and the high fade to figure out when he should clap? Why yes, I think that was it.

When he wasn't pretending to watch the game, he talked constantly about his worldly travels and how great it was to just enjoy a few ales with his friends and not have to worry about all the hot exotic women he had to pleasure. I'm not joking. Worse than hearing him swoon over himself was having to smell his awful cologne every time he waved one of his Livestronged wrists around. His stories were boring, his scent was giving me a headache, and he was exerting over-processed energy to cheer for a team he knew nothing about.

And then it got worse. Gotti Lite suddenly came at me, chest out, angry that I was trying to capture him on video in all his glory. I wanted to show the world what a huge douche he was. Obviously the world already knew this, and so did he. Upon threatening to break my camera, he stepped on my foot and told me to "grow the fuck up and put that camera away." I put the camera away (it was expensive, OK?) but I stood my ground when it came to my immaturity. Dick. I don't really remember what happened after this, but I woke up in my apartment with all articles of clothing and other personal belongings in sight. Despite a W for the Lakers, I deemed Game 1 a success.

Now on to the topic at hand — the appropriate team attire to wear to a sporting event, whether watching in person or at a bar or wherever. I would be lying if I said I was perfect. While I am pretty damn close, it's important to remember that everybody makes mistakes occasionally. In the spirit of self-improvement, I'm putting some of my bigger ... regrets up for scrutiny. I'd characterize these choices as "drunken thrift-store free-for-alling," at best. With maybe a touch of "whatever the guy from last night left at my apartment." Mock away:

Damn. That Niners outfit is just ... damn. Anyway, It's nice to meet you, Deadspin. I think we can get along, maybe even grab a drink and watch the Finals together. Now send me shit or just send it to tips@deadspin.com.