It's tough to find a man on the planet who doesn't love Alyssa Milano. Her allure is timeless, considering her career ascension has matched up perfectly with most 30-something men's sexual awakenings. Think about it: As a teenager in the 80s, she was the perfect combination of girl you'd take to the ninth grade farewell dance and girl most of you'd inconspicuously fondle at the mall. In her 20s, she wasted no time shedding her image as a child star and makes the leap to lesbianic vampire movies, Poison Ivy II and "Melrose Place." (That trifecta alone guaranteed she'd have many mop socks named after her. Ask my father. He always wears his Alyssa Milanos on Sundays to do yard work.)

Now, in her 30's she's become the real life Annie Savoy, using her lady cave to assemble what would've been one of the more dominating fantasy baseball staffs in ... 2003: Brad Penny, Barry Zito, and Carl Pavano. It's true. Alyssa Milano's vagina's 2003 WHIP would've been 1.24.

Lately, it's appeared that Alyssa has put herself on the DL when it comes to bedding players (perhaps the coital equivalent of "dead arm"), reserving most of her player admiration to her MLB blog and her MLB lingerie line or whatever that is. This cannot last forever, and the more and more baseball games Milano attends, the closer she gets to fully recovering . She's so riled up right now that anytime she drives past a ballpark you could probably drown mice in her underwear.

So, this week, I'm blowing off some Teen Steam, slapping at my Tony Danza, and calculating odds on the next MLB baseball player to have sex with Alyssa Milano.

Let's touch 'em all, after this Moop.

Johan Santana:6/1

Her affinity for starting pitchers is well known, and she's referred to Santana as "dreamy." Although Santana's a married man, it has to betough to turn down the advances of Alyssa Milano. But Santana should steer clear of her, lest he suffer the Milano curse that has befallen most of the pitchers she's doinked. Chances are, Santana will resist, but should some marital trouble suddenly arise, don't be surprised if Milano starts singing the praises of skyway sex on her blog.

Chad Cordero: 3/1

Although Milano claims to be cosmic chums with Dmitri Young, I'm thinking their relationship would fall into the category of platonic: She'll talk to Meech about his game, her love life, her family; he'll talk to her about his combustible brother, "The Man," hot wings. But Dmitri will also attempt to play matchmaker for Milano, and what better guy to set her up with than the Nationals crooked-capped closer, Chad Cordero? Cordero would be delighted to have such a lady, and although she won't be interested at first, Milano will eventually succumb to Cordero's chicano-esque charm and the fact that he calls her his ruca. But Milano should beware the Havoc-like lure of Chad — and, most important, she shouldn't drink too many tequila shots with him and his buddies then boozily ask how to become a member of his gang. (See: Phillips, Bijou.)

Bobby Abreu: 5/1

Alyssa favors plate discipline over the allure of the inside the park home run, which is something she gushed about about regarding The Meat Hook's five-pitch at bat in the All-Star game's last inning. And even though he's having an off year, Abreu is usually masterful about working a count. Plus Abreu loves Mediterranean white girls, as some of the strippers at Scores could attest to first hand. But he also has a problem with his girlfriends having sex on film, which doesn't bode well for Alyssa since Embrace of the Vampire still pops up on Cinemax every once in while.

Matt Kemp, James Loney, D.J. Houlton...: 2/1

A lifelong Dodgers fan, it seems like a lock that she'd go after somebody she could root for all of the time. But with that whole Brad Penny situation still fresh, she probably won't start dating one of his teammates too soon. However, she's also a gamer, and what better way to acclimate some of the younger talent to the Major League life than by offering her services. Let's just hope she does them individually and doesn't cave into the pressure from some of the rook's to play "Blue Devil Broom Closet." That could end badly for everybody.

Much discussion of Abreu of late has revolved around his lack of power since his monstrous performance in the Home Run Derby last year. What is rarely brought up, or remembered even, from that time is what was going on with Abreu's personal life back when he was hitting homers so regularly.

Excuse us while we we quote from our own post.

The Phillies outfielder — right around the time this story broke, he hit homers in six consecutive games — was engaged to former Miss Universe Alicia Machado. In May, she appeared on a Mexican reality television show called "La Granga (The Farm)" and, in a video you can find on Limewire, had sex with a fellow cast member on camera. Needless to say, Abreu was not a fan of this, called off the engagement and subsequently went on his homer barrage.

So, to serve notice to Brian Cashman and George Steinbrenner: We think you guys know what you need to do. Make it happen: You have a legacy of championships to live up to.

Bobby Abreu's Otherworldly Restraint [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: And you can also find the video on YouTube. It's MOSTLY safe for work, but click with caution nevertheless.)

The little countdown clock on ESPNews all day appears to be clicking down for Soriano, maybe Miguel Tejada, possibly Greg Maddux, but no one hugely shocking. The trading deadline always seems somewhat artificial and hype-y anyway; the biggest deadline shock we can remember from the last few years is Nomar Garciaparra going to the Cubs, and maybe Larry Walker heading to St. Louis ... and that was after the deadline anyway.

That said, we're all fans, and this is what fans talk about. Here's a look at the big trade yesterday, from each team's fans:

Bobby Abreu to the Yankees

• Bronx Banter: "I will be excited to see him in pinstripes. He's not going to be asked to be the team's best player. Perhaps he'll fit right in. He is a better defensive right fielder than anything the Yanks have got. Offensively, he is exceedingly patient and a high-percentage base stealer to boot. I don't have much of a gut feeling as to how he'll do in New York — I could see him going David Justice or Raul Mondesi — but I'm looking forward to finding out."

• The Lohud Yankees Blog: "Much love of the move in the clubhouse. Sal Fasano believes Lidle will be very effective in the AL because he has been sinking the ball well."

&#8226; Beerleaguer: "My emotions are still mixed, my opinion uncertain. If I had to say one thing, it's that this whole situation is a shame. Future considerations pending, this is one of the most one-sided deals in Phillies history, even if the ultimate goal was to move forward and change the dynamic of the club. No matter how one sees it, the Phillies have been beaten yet again, and as fans, we're looking up from the bottom of the well. But looking up nonetheless."<//EM>

&#8226; The 700 Level: If you are a Phillies fan, you know this deal wasn't as simple as the players swapping teams. This is a trade which signifies the dark cloud of Ed Wade's tenure finally passing. ... It feels a bit weird to think Abreu will no longer lollygag in right at Citizens Bank Park."

So that puts the Yankees on the hook for Abreu's salary this year of $13 million, $15 million next year, and probably for $16 million in 2008, pushing the Yankees payroll just over the $7 billion mark. That seems like a lot for a 32-year-old guy who's hitting .277 with 8 home runs and has a reputation for disinterested play. But he's still an amazing talent and once had a very freaky fiancee, so there is upside.

UPDATE: Abreu must waive his no-trade clause for the deal to go through, and his agent says a team would likely have to guarantee the last year of his contract (currently a club option), for him to do so. I'd expect both of these things to happen.

Yankees have tentative deal for Abreu, Lidle [ESPN.com]
Bobby Abreu's Otherworldly Restraint [Deadspin]

Myers Signs One-Year Deal [Philly Inky(scroll down)]
Red Sox Still Trying to Trade Ramirez [AP]
Abreu for Tejada [MLB]

With the help of Viva El Birdos, MLB Trade Rumors has narrowed the likely news candidates to four possibilities: A trade of Jim Edmonds for Robinson Cano and Chien Ming-Wang; the signing of A.J. Burnett; a trade for Ken Griffey Jr.; and a trade for Bobby Abreu.

We usually don't get into this much detail with the transaction sheet, but:

1. These are our Cardinals.
2. It's a slow news day.
3. We love the idea of Bobby Abreu wearing the Birds on the Bat. Not just because the dude can hit (and walk), but also because we would love to take dating tips from him.

If any of these trades end up happening, remember where you heard it first.

Cardinals Nearing Huge Trade [MLB Trade Rumors]
Unapologetic Rumor Mongering [Viva El Birdos]
Bobby Abreu's Otherworldly Restraint [Deadspin]

(Update: Viva El Birdos says signs are pointing to Abreu.)

Here's the details, if you're as in the dark as we were. The Phillies outfielder — enjoying the greatest season of his career, by the way; right around the time this story broke, he hit homers in six consecutive games — was engaged to former Miss Universe Alicia Machado. In May, she appeared on a Mexican reality television show called "La Granga (The Farm)" and, in a video you can find on Limewire, had sex with a fellow cast member on camera. Needless to say, Abreu was not a fan of this — as Jason Mulgrew points out, Latin men tend not to handle such matters well — called off the engagement and subsequently went on his homer barrage. We still think this might have been cooked up by Phillies general manager Ed Wade and manager Charlie Manuel, like in Fast Times at Ridgemont High,j when they smashed Louis' car right before the football game. But we still can't believe we hadn't heard about this, mostly.

Machado: People Support Me In Spite Of Porn Video [Quepasa News]
Abreu Calls Off Engagement [Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel]
Alicia Machado Video Screenshots [PeterPaulXXX]
Love, Lust And Betrayal [Jason Mulgrew]