Safin told L'Equipe that if Agassi is trying to clear his conscience because he lied to the ATP to get out of a failed drug test, then wouldn't it make more sense to give back the money that the ATP allowed him to win by not banning him from the sport? And maybe all of his Grand Slam titles? Or, alternatively, he could just go on selling his books.

"I won't write my biography. I do not need any money. The question is: why did he do it?" Safin said. "What's done is done. He hopes to sell more books. But he is completely stupid!"

"I do not defend the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) but what he said put them in a bad position. ATP allowed him to win a lot of tournaments, to make a lot of money. They kept his secret so why be so cruel with them? There are times you need to be able to shut up."

Give Safin credit for not pretending that crystal meth helped Agassi win anything and for correctly pointing out that this "confession" does come a little too late to serve anyone accept Agassi's publisher. On the other hand, it's not his fault that the ATP bought the lamest excuse in the history of drug testing. Forget Grand Slams. Agassi deserves an Oscar for pulling that one off.

Safin latest to criticize Agassi [CBC]
Feeling guilty? Give the money back, Safin tells Agassi [Reuters]

The Holy Cross tattoo is always a good icebreaker

The Hurricane O'Reilly's staff [Boston signing] weren't allowing Simmons available for pictures while he was about to leave but we told the bouncer my girlfriend went to Holy Cross (which she did), and has a Holy Cross tattoo on her back (which she does), and he agreed to take a picture with her after he showed her the tattoo. He's a really nice guy.

Why could possibly be frightening about a guy who asks you sign his meat?

Casey Stengel once said "I love signing autographs. I'll sign anything except veal cutlets. My ballpoint pen slips on veal cutlets."

Despite being a yankee fan, I gave Simmons the opportunity to one-up the yankee legend, in NYC, during a yankee world series. Simmons obliged and signed(/attempted to), despite being very confused (and seemingly a little frightened). The guy really is fan-friendly.

*Consolation to Stengel: Simmons did have the advantage of using a sharpie

Glad we could help

Last night I was at the book signing, and before I left I printed out the "Biggest Loser-Jeter" pic from yesterday to bring to the bar.

When I went up to get it signed by him, Jack-O looked over and commented "That was on Deadspin today", Bill proceeded to sign it along with my book. Photo of the signed photo attached.

-Yosef Feldstein

Sports Guy Supports The Troops

Just a quick note about Simmons. My Dad went to the signing today at the Prudential in Boston and waited in line for over an hour. There were over a thousand people there and the line was very strict: book cover folded back with the book open to a certain page and a sticky note on that page with your name. However, when my Dad went up to Simmons and told him that I was in the military and currently deployed to the middle east Simmons took the time to talk to my Dad for a few minutes, shake his hand, and write a full note in the book for me.

I'm Boston born and bred and been reading Simmons since back in 99, so it was great to hear that he is still true to his fans, and appreciative towards the military.

Anyways, with all of the posts about Simmons on deadspin the past few weeks I think that was something that had to be shared.

Regards,
Nick Soughley, SrA, USAF

Do you actually know how long a mile is?

The line wrapped around the block by ESPN zone. [Chicago] I think were about 200 in an hour before the signing starts.

The signing has started and the line is now over a mile long with more people coming.

Both bill and his dad spacing away.

These things are always much better when no one shows up

I'm a long time reader, first time emailer. I felt compelled enough to email you guys about how crappy the Simmons book signing was at the ESPN Zone in Chicago. First of all the people at the ESPN Zone acted like they were airport security, i.e. they were huge douchebags. I read in one of his columns or whatever that he would write pretty much whatever you wanted in your book. However, some lady asked people in line what your name was and put it on a post-it in your book so he could sign your name. She asked if you wanted him to put Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday in it. Um, how about neither? The guy in front of me asked someone who worked there if we could take a picture with the Sports Guy and she said we could take a picture OF him signing our book. Oh boy. His dad was there too. I sat by him at the bar for like 5 seconds before he got up. I thought maybe I could wait til after to take a picture with Bill but the line was too long and I left. In short, it sucked.

Clint

Wow, this is even more boring that actually waiting in a long line

Chicago Loves Bill Simmons and The Book of Basketball [In Game Now]

You know the other guy didn't actually write any of it, don't you?

Waited on line at the Simmons book signing [New York] last night. Got online at 6:30pm and the line was already around 13th St. Once we made it around the corner and to the front door of the bar and the Ving Rhames looking bouncer told me "Ya know, if the fire marshal comes by here we're fucked. We're way over capacity." Once inside it was "asshole to elbow" for about 90 minutes until we got our numbers called to head up and meet the Sports Guy himself. At the time I got up there (maybe 9:30ish) he looked like he was starting to tire although he was greeted by a hot blonde that he seemed to know personally (wonder if the sports gal knows about her). For the brief moment that I was up there he was very nice, wrote what I asked and shook my hand. Also had Jack-O sign the book which was cool. Anyway, all in all it was a good night (except for the Yankees losing) but the bar handled the crowd like shit! Will never walk into that place again.

But "The Colbert Report" appearance was his "Achtung, Baby"

Can you please do something about Bill Simmons' rampant expansion?!?!?!

His latest video piece with Kenny Mayne was either his "jump the shark" moment or his "Rattle & Hum." Or, maybe, that's redundant.

Please, help put a stop to his neverending tentacles. Columns and podcasts are enough. And, I'll grant him a good book every once in a while. But he's becoming the media equivalent of banks and Starbucks...one on every corner. ENOUGH!

T. Reilly

Tears, anger, underage drinking. Last night apparently had it all. Pictures and stories from the front lines ahead. Everything [sic] of course.

[Top photo from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder"]
[Tweets via The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen]

7:02 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder":

"The line for the bill simmons signing at professor thom's is absurdly long. Lots of people hoping that they are selling books at a bar."

9:22 p.m. from Joe M. From Brooklyn:

"i am happy to say, without any reason to lie, that i have the FIRST book bill simmons singed in the entire NYC!!!

It was tough to get it but i did, i was 10th online and wasnt allowed in the bar because i was underage, but i did not let that stop me! Thanks to Bill's publicist she told bill he should sign my book (and a couple of other underage fans) right inside the bar before he actually walked in! it was amazing, there were hundrands of ppl and i was out of there by 7:15!!

I got him to write "this is ourrrrrrrrr country"! Havent put the book down since i got it!!

Love you bill!"

10:44 p.m. from Phil, aka "Peter Cavan":

"Subject: I met Bill Simmons!!

Ok, not really, since I didn't get to shake his hand. But he did sign his book for me.

I got to Professor Thom's at 6:45 pm and the line was already around the corner and down the block. They handed out wristbands around 7 and told us that if we already had the book we could go inside the bar. I didn't have the book yet as I hadn't decided until 5 today that I was going to the signing. So I waited in line with a few other Deadspin readers and several hundred strangers. The line behind me continued to grow until it reached 3rd Avenue.

By 8 pm we had turned the corner and could see the WS game through the windows of the lounge next door. At 8:30 I was inside the bar. That's when we learned how they were running the signing. They called us up in blocks of 20 based on the numbers on our wristbands. My number was 5872 and they had just reached 5700. It took about 10 minutes per block of numbers so I figured I had about another 90 minutes to wait. The bar was ridiculously crowded. People were pressing in from outside, people with signed copies were trying to get out, and many, many people were sitting at the bar watching the game. Surprisingly, the mood wasn't all that bad. I got to meet CPSL as he and his girlfriend were leaving. Around 9 pm they told us that if our numbers hadn't been called yet we should wait outside, so I went around to 14th St, got a sandwich and came back about 20 minutes later. At 9:45 I went back into the bar and bought my copy of the book from the Borders staff working at the back. A few minutes later and it was my turn to meet the man himself.

The signing itself happened so fast I hardly had time to think about it. They had Simmons and a few other guys sitting at a table at the back beneath a large TV. One of the guys looked like Jack-O. Simmons was standing up and signing a book for someone who seemed like one of his friends (based on the conversation that was wrapping up). He was taller and thinner than I expected. He sat down again and I stepped up to the table. He said hello and I thanked him for taking the time to sign for all these people. Then I told him I'm not really an NBA fan but that maybe I'd become one after reading the book. He said he thought I'd like it. He handed me my book and I made a quick exit from the bar.

My legs are tired from standing, I'm $23 poorer and I missed half the WS game. And I suppose I have to read the book now. On the other hand, I did get to eat a great sandwich from Thai Me Up. So I got that going for me. All in all, not a bad night."

11:22 p.m. from "Taish":

"I wore my Knicks Starbury jersey and Simmons let out a big laugh when he saw me wearing it. I was one of the first 30 people to get mine signed but I heard he stayed for 4 hours until everyone had a chance to get a signature. He even signed books outside of the bar for those who weren't 21 and couldnt get in. He's a good guy."

11:37 p.m. from Jeremy C.:

"I'm a Cubs fan (was wearing a Cubs jacket) and had the Sports Fella sign my book thusly (calling back his post '04 column to Cubs fans). The line / bar situation was a bit fubar, but once things got rolling, he got through 20 people every 9-10 minutes."

11:42 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder" (again):

"After a three hour wait, a bouncer that looked a lot like ving rhames, several smoke breaks and chickening out on having simmons inscribe "avoid the clap" I finally got Jacko to sign a copy of a book right before the Phils broke things open in the 8th. What a magical night."

Fin.

According to interviews Thomas gave to Sports Illustrated this week, the biggest head turner in the book is the claim—made by Magic and his agent, Lon Rosen—that after Johnson was diagnosed with HIV in 1991, Thomas was the one spreading rumors that Magic might have contracted the virus because he was gay.

"Isiah kept questioning people about it,'' Magic says. "I couldn't believe that. The one guy I thought I could count on had all these doubts. It was like he kicked me in the stomach.''

Thomas says that's "bullshit." His own brother died of AIDS and he says he knows better than to spread rumors like that. Thomas also claims that he was the one who led the charge to get Magic a spot in the 1992 All-Star Game, when most of the players were refusing to take the court with an HIV+ player—a fact that's conveniently left out of the book. Now he's furious to discover that this legendary friendship was apparently a sham.

"It's so hypocritical,'' said Thomas, "There's this public person and then there's this b.s. person. There's Earvin and then there's Magic. OK, I understand you've got to sell a book. But if this is how you sell it, then who's kicking who in the stomach? And it's just like the line he perpetuated that he got me the Knicks' job. Oh, yeah? Ask [Knicks owner] Jim Dolan. Call Barry Watkins [the Knicks' senior VP]. That's a lie.

"You're talking about being two-faced? Magic says he put me up for the job, that he was showing up in hard times and telling me everything was OK. And I come to find out he's been the one stabbing me in the back. ... I'm really hurt and disappointed, particularly with the Olympic team, if he was doing that stuff.''

The last part refers to another item in the book, where Magic basically admits that Isiah was shut out of the Olympic Dream Team because no one wanted to play with him. He also blames the whole "Jordan freeze out" at the '85 All-Star Game on Thomas too. Meanwhile, Isiah says the even bigger lie is Magic's current friendship with Larry Bird. ("Magic hated Larry, and he tried to make other people hate Larry.")

It takes a special kind of jerk to make people feel sorry for Isiah Thomas, but Magic just might be that guy. Whoever you believe, it's pretty clear from this sordid tale—and Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech, among other incidents—that pretty much every superstar you idolized as a kid is a selfish, insecure, backstabbing prick. Of course, that's also why they were all such awesome basketball players.

Isiah Thomas blasts Magic Johnson over criticisms in new book [SI.com]

An archeologist at the Kansas City newspaper The Pitch, dug up this old book from 1983 that tells aspiring cheerleaders everything they need to know about how to join the pep squad and fight off the jealous stares of all your former friends you'll have to leave behind. Some helpful hints:

Don't assume that you must be dazzling ... If you don't believe this, take a look at the squad of cheerleaders in your school. You may find a few knockouts, but there most likely will be some boys and girls who are average kids....

"If you are heavy and have tried losing weight but are just one of those kids who is going to be big and beautiful no matter what, go ahead and try out for the squad.

Good to know! But it's not all splits and fist pumps:

"Cheerleading often makes you unpopular. For one thing, some kids are jealous of cheerleaders."

So true. But aren't cheerleaders supposed to be dumb?

In a way, a cheerleader must be smarter than the average high school student so that people won't think otherwise. 'Why do I have to do anything for these people?' you might (rightfully) ask. 'Who care what they think? They're just jealous.' While your instincts may be correct, you must keep in mind that some of these adversaries will be people you just may have to deal with. So do your best."

In other words, "Let the haters hate." You're more popular (or unpopular!) than they are anyway. Anything else?

You'll find that the younger male teachers may especially be willing to dress up like cheerleaders and appear in a silly skit for the good of the school."

Oh. I didn't realize it was that kind of book.

Everyone Is Just Jealous: Studies in Crap Brings it On With 1983's CHEERLEADING! [Kansas City Pitch]

Odd Man Out: A Year On The Mound With A Minor League Misfit is the story of Matt McCarthy, a Yale grad who spent one summer toiling with the Provo Angels of the Pioneer League. It is supposedly a rollicking tale of racist, misogynist, mentally unbalanced steroid freaks driving around in a bus and wreaking havoc wherever they go. However, many of the men who became characters in the book are coming forward now to say that their insane tales of debauchery simply aren't true. (Sample anecdote: the book accuses pitcher Joe Saunders of making fun of disabled children. Classy.)

The book was published last month, along with a lengthy except in Sports Illustrated, but I haven't read either, because I lost my library card and the story is conspicuously absent from SI's online vault. (It was published in the Feb. 16 issue, according to the New York Times.)

But the real problem with (allegedly!) faking a baseball memoir is that box scores and transactions logs are way more accurate than McCarthy's personal notebooks. So if you're going to say, for example, that your manager ordered a pitcher to hit an opposing player with a pitch, you should probably make sure that someone actually got hit with a pitch in the games you're mentioning. (They didn't.) Or when you accuse a teammate of threatening to kill Larry King's son, make sure he was actually on the team when you say he was. (He wasn't.)

True or not, the story still sounds more entertaining than Bull Durham.

Errors Cast Doubt on Matt McCarthy's Baseball Memoir [NY Times]
Foul Ball [Kenneth in the 212]

I am a big NFL fan. But my passion for that league looks like a mere dalliance when compared to the fantastically obsessive adoration the people at FreeDarko have for the NBA. I mean, they previewed every fucking GAME of the season, for shit’s sake. You know, for those of you who need to know the outcome of the April 1st Wizards/Grizzlies game RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT!

Anyway, if you’re the sort of person who loves both the NBA and meticulous writing that you know is good but often sails directly over your head and out into the far reaches of space, Shoals and the gang have just the book for you. It’s such a pretty book, I feel bad that I got so much fudge all over its insides.

But, even better, they have a site for the book that includes excerpt widgets that you can embed into your own site, as you can see above. Because, as a blogger, nothing makes me happier than someone providing me with cool shit to fill up dead space with. God bless those crazy bastards.

One of my favorite parts in Walton's "review":

However, Leitch's book also brings to light the most despicable thing I have heard in a decade: The firing of my close friend Harold Reynolds for alleged sexual harassment. I have not seen Harold at the daily chess club in ESPN's Bristol cafeteria in about a year, but I had NO IDEA he'd been fired. This is terrible, easily the most nefarious thing I have ever heard. Harold is a gentle, compassionate man filled with the noble qualities you'd hope to instill in your son or pet chinchilla.

Side note: I know that photo of Walton reading is Photoshopped, because the actual book is much thicker. I have a copy right here on my desk, lovingly signed by Will himself. See below.

Ballhype Spotlight Series Bibliotech [Ballhype]

So, the details, if you dare:

When: Wednesday, November 14, 8 p.m. ET
Where: Boxcar Lounge, 168 Ave. B (between 10th St. and 11th St), Manhattan
Includes: Far superior writers Daphne Beal, Sloane Crosley, and Jami Attenberg

But yeah, we're reading from the book for the first time, so we figured we should say something. We'll try to take it easy from now on. Though we'll probably fail.

Boxcar Lounge
God Save The Fan [Amazon]

That's the premise of Being There, a new book edited by Eric Mirlis. He amasses a roster with some heavy hitters (Marv Albert, Keith Olbermann, Peter King, Pat Summerall) and some morons (Jay Mohr, DB Sweeney, your humble editor, whose No. 1 entry you can probably guess, though had we known we'd come across a day when there were freaking Hunger Force ads all over our site, we suppose we would have put that at No. 1). If you're really hankering to know what Kevin Harlan's favorite all-time sports moment is, here's your book. Though, frankly, we're more interested in the observations of regular humans, ones who weren't warm and toasty in the press box, stories that involve pouring beer on people and random drunk ladies flashing the Bengals bench.

Being There [The Writers]

• We just finished Mark Lamster's book "Spalding's World Tour," and it's about 174 percent more entertaining than we would have thought. Usually books about baseball history make our eyes glaze over. Not this one.
• Kevin Kaduk's book "Wrigleyworld" is about spending a year living next to Wrigley Field, which is actually somewhat different than everyone we went to college, really. It's a fun read and is also the first book we've ever been asked to write a blurb for, which, we don't care what you say, made us swoon.
• Everybody's favorite early-morning ESPN riser, Dan Shanoff, is hosting his own reading series in New York City, which kicks off tomorrow. Readers include Will Blythe and Sam Walker, proving he's swiping people from this site, yeah. We'll be there.
• OK, this one is self-promotional: The official Deadspin fiancee's book "Family And Other Accidents" is released today, and no offense to everyone else, but it's the best book we've mentioned here. And, uh, there's a scene where a couple guys watch an Indians game, so it kind of has sports.
• Oh, and everyone should of course read "Game Of Shadows." But you know that. Sorry, TseTse; facts are facts, our friend.