After the game, Celek denied having any knowledge of the sweet, delicious rum that makes everyone a Captain™ of their own evening. But then a silly advertising exec blew the whole deal and admitted that Celek was indeed part of the stealth marketing plan organized to spread "brand awareness" of Captain Morgan. Even worse, they tried to wrap it up in a charity drive to guilt everyone into pretending that it wasn't just a terrible fake viral campaign for booze.

The campaign was set to be unveiled next week and was fairly simple: For every time a player was caught on camera striking the "Captain Morgan" during a regular season game, $10,000 would be donated to Gridiron Greats. For each instance in the playoffs, the donation would elevate to $25,000. And for instances in the Super Bowl, the bounty was slated to hit $100,000 per pose.

Oh, what an amazing corporate citizen! But the grouchy grouches at NFL put the kibosh on that right away. Players can't do advertisements, charity or otherwise, during games. Please leave the shilling to every single other person associated with the broadcasting of an NFL game.

"I don't want people to think our intention was to [upset] the NFL," [ad dude] Lehrman said. "We want to find a way to do it, but it's not going to work out as currently formulated. … It's at the point where we need to re-think how we can go about doing this and find a way that we can raise money for [Gridiron Greats] without getting people upset."

They could just write a check, but then how would anyone find out about the awesome sexy female-slaying powers that simply holding a glass of Captain Morgan bestows upon even the schlubbiest alcoholic? I'm not sure the four mind-numbing commercials an hour during every televised sporting event will keep them covered.

P.S. Please be a Captain responsibly.

League shipwrecks Captain Morgan campaign [Yahoo]
Brent Celek's "Captain" Pose Was Part of "Guerrilla-Style Advertising Campaign" [700 Level]

Yesterday, I noted that Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, and I recklessly declared Saturday the drunkenest day of the week. Ah, but is that always necessarily true? Let's start this exercise by stating flatly that the best day of the week to get drunk is, of course, ALL OF THEM. There's no wrong night to get drunk! That's the beauty of alcoholism! But, for shits and giggles, let's rank the nights of the week for drinking purposes anyway.

I don't drink quite as much as I used to. Marriage and kids will do that for you. It's not that getting married and having kids reduces your desire to drink. Far from it. You parents out there know the exact opposite to be true. BUT… I'm fucking exhausted by 9:00PM every night. Even if I'm drinking, I'm not drinking anywhere near the same amount as I was when I was young and carefree and staying out until 4AM trying to pick up stray pussy. Those are long stretches of drinking I'm too tired to try and match anymore.

But I have plenty of experience drinking and going out on every night of the week. And from all those years of punishing my liver, I offer this hierarchy:

1. THURSDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Thursday Night? Because it's almost the fucking weekend. Hell, it IS the weekend. You're only going to work on Friday for posterity. You're not going to actually do anything once you get there apart from wear sunglasses and pray for grim death. Thursday night is also the best night for TV, which allows for excellent pregame drinking before you go out at 10 or 11. Everyone is fucking jazzed to be out on a Thursday night, getting a head start on their drinking. They're fresh. They're excited. They're ready to fucking destroy themselves. I remember living in New York and having a good number of friends stay in on a Saturday Night because they were so thoroughly ruined from drinking on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights.

2. SATURDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Saturday Night? Because it's in the Bible. Drinking on Saturday night is also a natural continuance from all the drinking you do during the day on Saturday. No reason to let up. YOU'VE GOT PETTY FISTFIGHTS TO START.

Also, Saturday is by far the best night to do drugs. (NOTE: Daulerio vehemently disagrees with this. And likely knows better.)

3. FRIDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Friday Night? Work is done for the week. Sure, you already unofficially started your weekend the night before. But still, those first ten Dark Horses taste pretty good when you know you don't have to half-ass it at work the next day.

4. WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Wednesday Night? Because the week is half over. So fuck it. Why not down a bottle of Popov and make it all the way the fuck over?

5. MONDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Monday Night? There's both football AND wrestling on. Plus, if you spent Sunday recovering from all the horrible things you did on WED-SAT nights, you should feel relatively functional again by Monday. No reason to stay that way. Besides, it's Monday. It blows. You just need to take the edge off. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'M A GROWN MAN AND I HAVE THE POWER TO STOP.

6. SUNDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Sunday Night? Because it's a good night to just mellow the fuck out with a bottle of wine. No need to go out and shit faced. Let's just take it easy and finish a case of Two Buck Chuck here? It barely counts as drinking.

7. TUESDAY NIGHT

Why drink on Tuesday Night? Because no one sees it coming. And frankly, you may as well. Thursday is only TWO days away.

Despite Fred Wilpon's claims to the contrary, Silver, owner of Syosset-based Star Industries, is sure that the Mets are nearly bankrupt from Wilpon being one of the victims in Bernie Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi scheme. Silver is putting together a team of partners with the intention of offering $600 million to $700 million for the team. Forbes magazine has put the value of the Mets at $824 million, says the New York Daily News.

"If Mr. Wilpon is in so much trouble. ... It's like real estate, it comes down in value," said Silver, who in June sent Wilpon five whole chickens to express his displeasure over the firing of manager Willie Randolph.

The Daily News says that Silver is part-owner of a Wilmington, Del., minor league baseball team, which I assume is the Wilmington Blue Rocks; home of fibrous vegetable mascot Mr. Celery.

Mr. Celery and Mr. Met on the same field, with unlimited access to free liquor? I am so rooting for this to happen.

I'll Save The Mets, Says Long Island Liquor Mogul Martin Silver [New York Daily News]

It's the booze sandwich. It's better than paying 10 bucks for mint juleps.

Making the booze sandwich is quite easy. Pick up your favorite alcohol (or in this case, a cheap alternative). The only logical selection for the Kentucky Derby was a fine bourbon. Evan Williams of course. Then select a hearty sized artisan bread. Large enough to hold a 16 oz. bottle. Then proceed by cutting the bread in half and removing most of the bread, leaving just the crust shell. Fill your 16 oz. bottle with your booze of choice and place inside the bread. Make sure the cap is tightly secured. You could stop there with booze bread, but why not make it more authentic and add a few slices of your favorite deli meat, a little lettuce, and some cheese. The mayo can be omitted because nobody wants a slippery bottle of booze. Once the bread is loaded wrap it in a little saran wrap and there you have it, your booze sandwich.

Sounds good to us! Who says America's youth don't have the go-get-'em-ness and up-by-the-bootstraps ingenuity of the previous generation?

The Best Way To Sneak Booze Into The Kentucky Derby [CadaverBlender]