•Bobby Bowden says he won't do any fundraising for Florida State after he retires. He'll be living the dream of many of his players, who want to cut the cord with FSU, but can't seem to graduate.

•Commercials featuring Tiger Woods haven't appeared in prime time since Nov. 29. Which doesn't sound right, because I swear every time I turn on my TV, there he is.

•Three-way trades! Don't you love them? The Yankees get the big name in Curtis Granderson, but the Tigers are the big winners with a can't-miss OF prospect, two young starters and a bullpen lefty. The Diamondbacks, true to form, get shat on.

•Danica Patrick will run a limited schedule on NASCAR's Nationwide Series. It'll likely be the first time feminine hygiene products sponsor a car since Jeff Gordon's.

•The Celtics won their 8th straight, pulling away from Milwaukee. Orlando kept pace, meaning the two are tied at 17-4 — and ten teams are under .500. Much like basketball games don't matter until 5 minutes left in the fourth, I'll just turn on the TV in time for the conference finals.

•••••

Happy Wednesday. Go make some instant coffee.

Bosh expressed his frustration at the lack of support displayed by his fellow Raptors after the incident, telling Toronto Star reporter Dave Feschuk (via FanHouse):

"Yeah, I'd like to see the team more passionate. I look at their bench and they're all up standing at half-court, and nobody from their team was down on the floor. I think we would react better to just be out there for one another and just stay together."

Clearly, Bosh feels that his team lacks toughness and he is sick and tired of no one doing anything about it:

"I'm tired of talking about toughness. We talk about it too much. We talk about everything too much. We've got to stop talking about it and just do it."

Antoine Wright appeared to be the only Raptors player other than Bosh to articulate his disappointment at how things went down, saying after the game that the Raptors "just got punked."

Sitting at 7-10, it probably isn't time yet to push the panic button in Toronto, but the Raptors did fall to 2-8 on the road, a statistic that backs up Bosh's assessment that his team lacks the requisite toughness needed to play well in opposing arenas.

But more than anything, I bet Bosh simply hopes that his teammates will allow him to take an extra long soak in the ice tub today. Ouch.

Bosh Gets Pounded, Wonders Why His Teammates Don't Care [Fanhouse]
Feschuk: Raptors bow down meekly to Celtics 116-103 [Toronto Star]
Paul Pierce Not a Big Fan of Chris Bosh's Junk [Last Angry Fan]

Update: Apparently, Time Warner also promoted yesterday's Celtics/Knicks matchup as a Chris Duhon and Shelden Williams reunion. If you see anymore evidence of pro-Duke bias from your TV's program guide, please forward because that's really weird.

The Massachusetts DMV (or "RMV," for some reason) produces all kinds of specialty plates, at 40 bucks a pop, with $28 of that going to charity. The catch is that 1500 people need to pre-order the plates before they'll physically start making them.

The plates went on offer in late 2006, and officials expected them to be a quick seller. After all, the Red Sox and Patriots plates had no trouble reaching the benchmark, and even the Bruins got it done in five months.

But the Kevin Garnett trade came and went, and no dice. The 2008 championship came and went, and still nothing. Finally last month the 1500th Celtics fan made themselves known, and the license plates can now officially be produced.

Not good news for bragging rights for Bostonians. If you ask an Angeleno, adorning your car is the best and only way to prove fandom
.
For Celtics Fans, Waiting Was Plate Of Frustration [Boston Globe]

•Think it was an odd year? In 2009, baseball saw 8 players hit for the cycle, three steals of home, a no-hitter, a perfect game, and an unassisted triple play. Perhaps the most mathematically improbable feat of all: Mark McGwire is back in baseball.

•The defending champion Lakers opened their season in "we played the Clippers" form, getting outshot and outrebounded but still winning. Kobe takes the early league lead in shots taken, a lead he is sure to never relinquish.

•Shaq had 10 and 10, for literally the most ineffectual double-double possible, as the Cavs fell to Boston on opening night. Rasheed Wallace didn't earn a technical, and Kevin Garnett's knee didn't explode, so all in all a good night for them.

•Speaking of the Celtics, Glen Davis will be out a couple months after breaking his thumb in a fight with a childhood friend. He'll be suspended, forfeiting a good chunk of his $3,000,000 salary. Hell, for less than half of what he stands to miss, I'll be his friend and not break his finger.

•Jimmy Rollins went on Leno and predicted Phillies in five. It was easily the funniest thing said on Leno's show since it premiered.

•Titans owner Bud Adams wants Vince Young to take over as starter. Bud Adams is 86, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just doesn't remember how VY played when he was starting.

•Finally, in honor of A.J. Burnett's and Shane Victorino's postgame tradition of pieing teammates, a video from the archives; Soupy Sales nailing Bob Costas (go to the 1:00 mark).

Well, since he bounced about $1 million worth of checks in Las Vegas you can chalk a healthy portion of that up to gambling losses. But that doesn't explain it all way. Walker was a generous friend and teammate. A little too generous. A Boston Globe investigation into the former Celtic's lavish lifstyle includes free spending, not just on himself—in 2002, he had a new suit made for every day of the playoffs so he wouldn't have to wear the same one twice—but on those in his very large orbit. Teammates say he routinely picked up giant dinner tabs on the road or would hire limos to take everyone out on the town. According to his mother, at one point Walker was financially supporting seventy of his friends and relatives.

However, Diane Walker doesn't see what's wrong with that:

Walker's mother, Diane, said her son does not have a gambling problem. She added that "he doesn't party any more than the next person'' and "what you do with your life is your business.''

"Antoine doesn't owe anybody any explanation,'' said Diane Walker. "He's not out here hurting anybody. He's trying to live his life peacefully. That's all he's doing . . . My son is young. Why can't he just enjoy life, go where he wants to go?''

Because, believe it or not, $110 million does not last a entire lifetime. (At least not when you're spending $10 million a year on watches.) Apparently, Walker gave very little thought to where that money might come from once his basketball career was over. When he did invest, he invested poorly or simply gave it away to charities. Sadly, playing $15,000-a-hand blackjack with Michael Jordan is not a sound retirement strategy.

In 1999, when he signed a six-year, $71 million deal with the Celtics, then-president and coach Rick Pitino said Walker "will never have to worry about money again in his life." So add that to the list of everything else Pitino got wrong in Boston.

Former Celtics star Antoine Walker pursued by creditors as wealth vanishes [Boston Globe]

On Friday, the financially struggling Globe reported that three locals with millions in loose change had emerged as potential buyers of Beantown's newspaper of record, which The New York Times is actively trying to sell. (Newspapers, if you haven't heard, aren't doing so well.)

Behind Door No. 1: Stephen Pagliuca, managing partner of the Celtics.

Pagliuca's day job as the managing director of Bain Capital gives him the kind of cash to pay for Kevin Garnett and potentially dole out the loot necessary to purchase a far-less-intriguing commodity. No one really knows what the Globe is worth — estimates range from $1 to much, much more — but if Pagliuca scores the newspaper, you would think he would have to immediately address the obvious conflict of interest in his owning the Globe's sports section, once the best in the country and still a veritable powerhouse, while presiding over one of the local teams.

All it would take is a statement resembling NESN's list of 10 values, of which "Integrity" is No. 7 — behind "Adaptability" and "Teamwork" — and concisely defined as: "We are committed to the highest level of ethics and professional standards." Somewhere, Dennis Eckersley nods in approval.

If Pagliuca does add the Globe to his list of holdings, the only Boston team left out of this ethical quandary would be the Patriots. Bill Belichick declined to comment.

3 men with local roots emerge as potential Globe buyers [The Boston Globe]
What Price For The Boston Globe? [The New York Times]
The Last, Best Sports Staff [Deadspin]

Meanwhile, to the northeast, a young couple wells up after they realize the mighty Celtics won't repeat as champions.

And...it's morning. Let's drink three six packs just to look at Monday's face.

I'm cutting it short today. It's a super slow news day and I'd like to take a power nap before tonight's game. Thanks to Spud for coming up huge yesterday.

Anyway, anybody ever see Dan Deacon before? If not, I highly recommend you go see one of his shows. A little too bleep-bloop-bleep-blap for my usual taste but the guy puts on a helluva spectacle. Just remember to load up on the psychedelics and amphetamines.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin even on shitty Sundays.

I'm writing to report an incident that happened to me on the subway today. At approximately 9:30am on the D train going between Atlantic-Pacific St. and Grand St. (right before the Manhattan Bridge), I awoke to the sight of a man masturbating on my arm.

I was napping with my iPod on, and I woke up because I felt something repeatedly hitting and rubbing up to my arm. When I looked down, I saw an uncircumcised penis being masturbated right on top of my arm. Luckily, he hadn't finished yet. (Though the police mentioned that it would have been better to have DNA evidence. Ew.) I immediately screamed something like "OH MY GOD, GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!"

At that point, the man mumbled something like "sorry" and walked quickly through the crowd to the other side of the train. I was stunned that no one tried to stop him, and even shifted to let him through. I screamed again "DID ANYONE SEE THAT? THAT ASSHOLE WAS MASTURBATING ON ME!"

No one did anything. No one saw his penis, because my arm was covering it.

So I took my camera-phone out and went after him. He had taken a seat more towards the front of the carriage and pretended to be asleep. I snapped these two pictures of him (attached). And then when I was done, I screamed again "I'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE NOW, YOU SICK FUCK. I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!" Of course, this got the attention of everyone around us and everyone was staring at us except the pervert who was still pretending to be asleep. There was no way he didn't hear me. So I went back to my seat.

Later I did report him to the police, and am still waiting to hear back.

Submitted by Alice

So there you have at. Think twice before masturbating on Alice's arm while she sleeps.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. DL:FKJDLFKJDF:LJKFDL:JK

Say what you will about these Garnett-less Boston Celtics, but you can't deny that they've managed to make their playoff series' compelling. Momentum's back with the Green Team after Big Baby Davis cock-blocked the Magic out of taking a 3-1 series lead with his three-point heave. Still no word on the condition of the young Magic fan whose front-court seats managed to get him shoved out of the way during Big Baby's "You better know about me!" celebration.

Imposing Man, Even Bigger Shot [Boston.com]

It was a big day for Boston sports yesterday, but no one enjoyed it more than these three people. Our first Beantown superfan was spotted at Fenway last night wearing a Celtics jersey on top of Bruins sweater, capped off with a Red Sox hat. He left the red, white and blue Patriots Zubaz at home, because that would have been just tacky. Then there's this spaztastic kid who I'm sure will not at all grow up to be the world's first serial killer named Sully. And finally, there's the young Orlando Magic fan who must have been absolutely thrilled to have courtside seats so close that he could reach out and touch the players—or have them reach out and shove him aside after ripping his heart out with a last-second game-winner. Two out of three ain't bad, I guess.

World's Coolest Sports Fan Sighted At Fenway [Bugs & Cranks]
Big Baby Glen Davis Wins and Shoves Orlando Fan Kid Animated GIF [Sad Fans]

* * * * *

Hope you enjoyed the weekend, because it's dead to you now. Here we go ....

As it happens, the Celtics didn't need that timeout after all. We'll talk more about it throughout the day, but as you may have heard, the Celtics beat the Bulls last night 109-99 in a Game 7 for the ages. The Bulls made it close in the 4th quarter, but the game never really felt in doubt. As a Chicago sports fan, I'm used to saying it: There's always next year.

Hey lady, have you thought about coaching the Bulls? Can't be any worse than the guy they've got now.

****

Good morning. We're on a mission from God.

The two teams tip off shortly after 8 pm on TNT. There are no other NBA games on the schedule tonight, so the full spotlight is shining where it belongs. The Bulls are knocking at the door to a memorable upset, and they'll need to find a way to slow down Ray Allen to finish the task.

This is your DUAN! post as well as an open thread for the game. If you're watching the fight tonight please comment along right here.

*****

Thanks for joining me here today, I'll be back if anything crazy goes down.

Rajon Rondo took his fight to Kirk Hinrich (again), Paul Pierce got clowned by Joakim Noah, Derrick Rose is Superman (as long as he's not shooting free throws and now after a triple-overtime Game Six victory by the Bulls, the series will culminate in an 8-OT brainsmashing Game 7 on Saturday. (Unless they decide to play more games.) If only this wasn't the first round!

Oh, and Ray Allen scored 51 in a losing effort and is playing some of the best basketball of his whole career, but who cares right? There is (say it with me) NO LOVE LOST between these two teams and it has turned into one of the most dramatic seven-game series ever. (Yes, Simmons was right.) But fortunately, there is a way to make it even more dramatic (and oddly enough, more annoying).

There are rumblings that Kevin Garnett—who has not played a minute in this playoffs—will suit up for Game 7 in Boston. Now these are just rumblings (Danny Ainge is a trickster. Don't believe his lies.) but remember: Willis Reed only had two buckets in "The Willis Reed Game." You don't think Garnett wants to strut into the Garden in his uniform, play three minutes and go down as the hero champion warrior of all time? Book it.

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