"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

For you young punks out there, those are references to the movie Airplane!

What is it, you ask? It's a sequence of consecutive pictures of objects photographed in motion by a specially designed camera and thrown on a screen by a projector in such rapid succession as to give the illusion of natural movement, but that's not important right now.

Anyhoo, courtesy of intrepid reporter and noted cocksmith Visanthe Shiancoe's Twitter account (via Randball), we finally have evidence of Vikings head coach Brad Childress wearing a flight attendant's uniform on the trip to Pittsburgh last week that Drew alluded to on Monday. I have looked into the pit of madness, and Brad Childress is there giving me a bag of peanuts.

Of course, this is Weed Against Speed and I'll be your humble guide on this spookiest of spooky days. I have a lot of fun stuff planned for the day (not really - I'm flying by the seat of my vintage pants), so let's get to it.

Bonfires burning bright, pumpkin faces in the night, I remember Halloween.

This day anything goes.

Friday update: Visanthe Shiancoe posts pictures of Brad Childress dressed as female flight attendant [RandBall]
(previously on Deadspin) Brad Childress Is The Ugliest Dame You'll Ever See

From Chris Mortensen's Twitter feed comes this rather odd story about the Vikings head coach.

So coach Brad Childress dressed up like a female flight attendant, high heels, wig, blue hose, wig...and still a beard on the flight.

I'm told Childress had given a little lecture earlier to the team, reminding them to show the utmost respect to all flight attendants.

Um… okay. I guess flight attendant etiquette would be a good idea for a team like the Vikings, lest Bryant McKinnie decide to head into the bathroom with one and eat her pussy out over the sink.

But I'd prefer it if Childress spend less time putting on blue pantyhose and making players reach for their in-seat vomit bags, and more time finding ways to NOT FUCKING SIT ON THE FUCKING BALL WITH FUCKING FOUR GODDAMN MINUTES LEFT IN THE HALF. FUCKING DIPSHIT.

Childress finally did pick up the phone today, to talk to "The Power Trip Morning Show" on KFAN 1130 in Minneapolis, but only to be grumpy about all the unfounded rumors that have been written about him and his team, in regards to the Brett Favre "will he/won't they" debacle. The press says crazy things like Childress was in Mississippi when he was really in his office. Or that the Vikings gave Brett Favre a deadline to sign with them or else. Fabrications! Surgery? What surgery? What would Brad Childress know about any of this?

"I don't know how you guys in that industry go about your sourcing. A source said that a source said. I don't know. It's questionable. Very questionable."

It sure is. Yet for some crazy reason, the Vikings allow these rumors to persist. Credit to "The Power Trip" hosts for asking, "If the media is so incorrect, why don't you correct them?" Well, Brad has an answer for that it. It's not his job!

You're right, Brad. It's not your job. That's why the team has a public relations department. It's run by a guy named Bob Hagen. Maybe you should meet him! I bet his office is close enough to yours, that he could have walked over and seen you sitting at your desk when ESPN was reporting that you were on your way to Hattiesburg. I bet Ed Werder even has his phone number.

But you don't really want the actual information to get out, do you? You don't really want the media to know what lengths you're going to pursue Brett Favre. You don't want them to be aware of how many discussions you've had with his agent about the surgery or his arm strength, or how many practices you'll allow him to miss before it's too late for him to help your team. And you know what? That's fine. That stuff is boring anyway. However, all the confusion, rumor, innuendo, and "unnamed sources" that you hate so much are doing your job for you—obfuscating the truth so that if this whole stupid adventure falls apart, you won't be to blame. Stop bitching about those anonymous "incorrect" sources, when you could easily be the accurate, named source and choose not to.

That's why no one believes the new rumor that the Vikings have "suspended" their pursuit of Brett Favre. This isn't over. Everyone knows it's not over and you wouldn't have called into "The Power Trip" if it was. You refuse to talk (Brad Childress can't predict the future!) and now you want to complain when your story isn't told properly. If it's not your job to answer questions and provide information, then it's also not your job to be a media critic. We have enough of those already, thank you.

This whole thing is a mess, but Brad Childress and the Vikings created it. I didn't even mind playing along with it until now. But Brad Childress is not being honest. He's not playing fair. So screw him and his lousy quarterbacks. I won't be writing about any of them again. At least until I see Brett Favre actually holding up a Vikings jersey at that upcoming press conference we all know will take place in August.

Listen To Brad Childress [KFAN]
Sources: Favre a no-show, Vikes temporarily stop pursuit [ESPN]

It all started last November, when Childress fined Williamson for missing a game—even though he skipped it to be at his grandmother's funeral in South Carolina. Things went sour after that and Williamson was eventually traded to the Jags. He's been waiting for this game for months, as a chance to show his old lover how much better off he is without her, but since Troy has just four catches this year and will be inactive on Sunday with a groin injury, he figured he might as well just show up anyway and punch Childress in the face.

"I'm going to bring this up one more time," said the Jaguars receiver, who the Vikings drafted seventh overall in 2005. "And if you all could bring this up to Coach Childress, we could meet on the 50-yard line and we can go at it" ...

"I mean if I could duke it out with Coach Childress that'd be a different story," Williamson said. "But other than that, this is just another game to play on Sunday."

When Childress was asked about the comment at his press conference, he initially made some bluster about the teams having a "buffer zone" and not wanting to get fined, which is the NFL equivalent of saying "I can't fight you after school, because I have detention." But when asked about the tale of the tape, Childress did not demure.

"Do you need my reach? I'm not like a woman; I'll give you my weight. It's 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite. Is that enough humor for you?"

Yes, but we'll take some more. What do you think of your chances Troy?

"I love 'em," Williamson said. "I even could tie my hands behind my back and — all right, we're going to just leave it at that."

Awesome. Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio, anything to add?

"He probably wouldn't have to run very fast to catch him."

Perfect. (I hope you're referring to your receiver as the speedier of the two.) And for the final word, we go to insane defensive end Jared Allen:

"Coach Childress is a tough-minded guy," Allen said. "And he’s got a badass mustache," Allen said. "I put my money on whoever has a kickass mustache."

Well, that settles it then. Should we go with Brazilian jujitsu rules or just a standard WWE broken table match?

Jaguars' Troy Williamson wants to duke it out at midfield with former coach Brad Childress [Orlando Sentinel]
River City Rumble? Williamson wants Childress [AP/Google]
Jaguars' Williamson offers to 'duke it out' with Childress [Rochester Post-Bulletin]
Troy Williamson wants to fight Brad Childress at the 50-yard line [Orlando Sentinel]

OK. Now let that rattle around your brain there for a moment. The guy who coached Marcus Vick for the last three years is heading to the Minnesota Vikings. Marcus Vick's coach is going to the land of 1,000 sex boats. Which means it's possible — if you can possible handle this — that the Vikings could draft Vick, and he could be a part of next year's rookie hazing, and well, criminy, that would be just about the most amazing thing that has ever happened.

Aw, man, what if they drafted Tavares Gooden? The world would be like "Playmakers!" Lawrence Taylor and Joe Namath could coach! Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let this happen.

Vikings Hire VT QB Coach [ESPN]

We are proud to report that Childress is the second Eastern Illinois University graduate, along with Mike Shanahan, to coach in the NFL. We, however, would like to suggest to Mr. Childress that, to remain the respect of his players and his fans, wear a hat on the sidelines. It's one thing to be bald, and it's one thing to have a mustache, but it's a whole thing all together to be bald and have a mustache. Which one of those pictures do you respect more? It's not like he's gonna lose the mustache, after all, that would be sacrilege.

Late Coaching Update [Mr. Cheer or Die's Viking Underground]