The Rhode Island state soccer championships were apparently played in the Thunderdome yesterday, as the final between Tolman and Woonsocket ended a bit earlier than scheduled after a bench-clearing, hair-pulling brawl broke out on the field. Woonsocket was leading five to zip when Kristen Cahill got into a little dustup with Tolman's Maria Lopera and things just went down hill from there. Even better, there was another brawl during the post-game medal ceremony, this time involving the fans of the two schools up in the bleachers. Now that's fucking soccer!

I think someone needs to put a stop to these hyperviolent soccer girls before they make all the soccer-playing boys in this country look like a bunch of weak bitches.

Fights break out at HS soccer game [WPRI]
Let's Get Ready To Rumble [Unprofessional Foul]
Previous: Elizabeth Lambert Is Now America's Greatest Villain

All in all, the brawl lasted ten minutes, resulted in 173 penalty minutes, and led to ten players (including both back-up goalies) getting tossed. It was also the largest spontaneous outburst of mass violence in Canadian history not involving a canceled Guns N' Roses concert.

Game 2 goes later this evening. Should be a doozy.

Mann Cup: Bench-clearing brawl mars Salmonbellies' 12-9 win in Game 1 [The Province]

*****

That's it for today. To those contributing members of the workforce, enjoy the rest of a deserved long weekend. And to those of you dreading a return to school, remember - you always have options.

This fantastic donnybrook took place between the Winnipeg Goldeneyes and the Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks on Monday. The backstory is a little confusing because both teams wear red and it involves Canada, but the gist is this. Goldeneye pitcher Ace Walker (who is also a Bond villain) threw his first pitch of the fourth inning behind a RedHawk batter. This was because third baseman Kevin West, who can be seen yelling at the dugout after the throw, had been hit in the head earlier in the game. The RedHawks' third base coach, who is also manager Doug Simunic, says he was trying to calm West down, when West's manager Tom Vaeth got in his face and allegedly bumped him. That's when the slapping started.

Amazingly, neither manager will be suspended, although they did receive fines. Simunic said in a radio interview the next day that he was simply defending himself and was not going to take any guff from an opponent. (He also gets heckled by Winnipeg fans during the interview, which makes it worth a listen.) Frankly, I think this is how all beanball wars should be settled. The umpire warning should actually be instructions to keep your hands up and fight clean.

If that doesn't work ... rock, paper, scissors.

RedHawks pitcher sparked brawl: West [Winnipeg Free Press]
Simunic: "I'm not going to take this, man" [In Forum]
Fargo-Moorhead manager in on-field brawl with Winnipeg coach [Star-Tribune]

The fight was Aug. 5, but news didn't escaped the cold death-grip of Al Davis' politburo until today, when the National Football Post broke the story. FanHouse's Nancy Gay has the fuller version. Gay writes:

Multiple NFL and Raiders sources have confirmed the victim of the alleged assault was Hanson, a third-year assistant who is in his first season with the team under the title "assistant coach-defense." Two NFL sources have told FanHouse the attacker was Raiders' first-year head coach Tom Cable, and "that Hanson never saw it coming."

Neither Hanson nor the coach who threw the punch were identified in a Napa, Calif., police report taken Aug. 6 at Queen of the Valley Hospital. But one well-placed NFL source told FanHouse of the attacker: "It's a well-known coach. Very well-known."

Pressed to confirm the identity of the attacker, the source said, "It was Cable who hit him."

As Gay notes, Hanson has never been particularly popular among the coaches. He was disciplined last year for an outburst in the season opener, a 41-14 loss to Mike Shanahan's Denver Broncos. "It's a good thing that Shanahan didn't have our players," Hanson said after the game, "or else he would have beaten us 1,000-0."

It appears Hanson won't be pressing charges, which is a pity if only because the Raiders really should have a felon for a head coach.

Sources: Raiders Coach Tom Cable Punched Assistant During Altercation [FanHouse]

Castillo, who is a Cubs prospect (of course) was found guilty of felonious assault for chucking a high hard one that was intended for an opponent's dugout, but ended up hitting a fan in the stands. The incident happened during a Peoria Chiefs-Dayton Dragons game that started with two managers shoving each other and ended with all-out war. (The video is still here, amazingly.) He was found not guilty of "assault with a deadly weapon" because I guess his velocity was a little off.

Sentencing will be August 3, and on September 1 he will be called up to hurl t-shirts into the Wrigley Field bleachers.

Pitcher guilty of felonious assault [Dayton Daily News]

Here's how the Los Angeles Times' Helene Elliott saw it:

Incensed at remarks hurled at him by fans sitting in a corner of the Home Depot Center, Beckham approached them to urge them to calm down. One hurdled the barrier separating the stands from the end zone and was escorted away by security officers.

Here's the Associated Press:

As Beckham left the field at halftime, he went over to the section where one of the team's support groups holds court and appeared to shout. A fan jumped down from the seating section and was subdued by security before being escorted off the field.

Now, across the pond, here's the Guardian:

David Beckham was involved in an ugly confrontation with fans at his first home game for the Los Angeles Galaxy after returning from Italy and his spell with Milan. The midfielder attempted to jump over a barrier as he left the field at half-time into a section of the crowd that had been jeering him.

The former England captain was held back by security staff, who also needed to restrain an angry fan who left his seat and rushed towards the footballer.

And the London Times:

The former England captain attempted to jump over a barrier as he left the field at half-time into a section of the crowd that had been jeering him. He was held back by security staff, members of whom were also needed to restrain an angry fan who left his seat and rushed towards the footballer.

The video below — and particularly this one here — would seem to support the Brits' view of the confrontation. (Let's pause here to imagine the national panic that would ensue if this were Rasheed Wallace at Conseco Fieldhouse instead of a celebrity free-kick taker in Carson, Calif. My God. Around the Horn would look like a meeting of survivalists.) I'm sure there will be a lot of handwringing over what the failure of the Beckham experiment means for American soccer, but this incident, at least, suggests two important milestones have been reached: Crapulent soccer fans are getting themselves arrested at games, and the American soccer press is going out of its way to suck up to the stars.

David Beckham doesn't get a royal welcome [Los Angeles Times]
For Beckham, a Rude Welcome Back to Los Angeles [AP, via NYT]
David Beckham in ugly confrontation with LA Galaxy fan [Guardian]
David Beckham confronts jeering LA Galaxy fans [Times Online]

First, this message that came to us from a tipster unaffiliated with either party:

I found the yankees vs Marlins fans fight taken down [from YouTube] late Mon night. I emailed the director and asked why it was taken down and what his relation to the fight was

His reply was

"they asked for me to take the video down.

The yankees fan wife bought us tickets. thats my relation. my uncle knows them."

So a family friend of Yankee Fan was on camera, which helps explains the ultra sharp images. Good to know. But later on we found this message sent in through the comment section that may or may not be a personal message from Yankee Fan's wife. All sic'd of course and (again) unverified, so judge accordingly.

To all the idiots commenting about my daughter, she was crying because that is not her fathers usual conduct. We don't raise our children to be like that marlins fans son, taking punches at my husband. That's a great example. But when you have marlin low life's and thier wife and child involved in a brawl... they need to stay at their trailer home. Not that I justify what my husband did, he should of walked away from tjose idiots comments about me. The person who put this video on is a scumbag, especially focusing in on my daughter.(and to think he sat there for free thanks to me) . That nasty marlin gringo and nasty wife were out of line. As u can see the cops were very cordial with us and asked if we were OK... And the idiot who made the comment about :your daddys going to disappoint you 300 more times in your life time?? you are so ??? U obiviously had a horrible childhood... I pray u dont have kids. I can't believe i'm even responding, but you all need to get a life.

Tough, but fair. The fact that both messages referenced free tickets for the cameraman certainly lends credence to its authenticity. As does the description of "trailer home" Marlin "gringos." (Hey, she calls 'em as she sees 'em.) But wait there's more! Another anonymous, unverified comment from someone who didn't quite grasp my sarcastic use of quote marks.

Listen again before you slander someone like this. You are sadly mistaken and it amazes me that you can not hear for yourself what he says. His daughter is scared and crying and afraid he got hurt and he says "I'm Fine, I'm fine!" She says why are you are fighting and and he says "I'm not fighting its okay". I happen to know exactly what happened and how this fight started. I won't use names but The Marlins Fan called the Yankees fan's wife names that are so obscene I can not even say them here. He curses her out for five minutes before the Yankees Fan realizes he is talking to his wife. Then he walks over and defends his wife as any man should. By the way, as for the character and type of father this man is.....I happen to live right next door to him. He does not even know this is on the internet yet. He is home playing with his little girl right now who absolutely adores him. By the way, guess who got kicked out of the game...The Marlins Fan guy with the foul mouth while the Yankees Fan got to stay and finish the game with his family. What does that tell you! This all happened at Friday nights game and the next night, guess who was at the game. The Yankees Fan! How do I know..... Because this man whose character you are slandering bought 6 extra tickets to the game to so that my family could go as a surprise for my 10 year old kid who is battling cancer. He really must be the awful guy you all think. Oh and if you think it was a Marlins - Yankees Fight you are sadly mistaken. We came with him in our full Marlins Gear, sat right next to him, and he was thrilled the Marlins won that night for our kid. Maybe you should adjust your misquote and retype your article now!

So there you go. If Marlins Fan really is the instigator—although I wonder what would cause him to hurl so many unsolicited slurs at Mrs. Yankee Fan—then kudos, I guess, to YF for defending her honor. He does seem like a stand-up guy, despite his unfortunate decision to root for the team from the Bronx. Nobody's perfect.

Oh, and if Marlin Fan or any of his progeny would like to hurl some invective our way, we'll be more than happy to publish those too.

Yankees-Marlins Fan Brawl Reveals Truth Of The Human Condition, With Punching [Deadspin]

As usual, we don't get to see what started the fracas, but we do get to see who finished it. Yankee Fan and Marlin Fan are going toe-to-toe across a stadium aisle railing, when Yankee Fan lands a roundhouse haymaker. Then Marlin Fan's wife jumps in. Then their 10-year-old kid gets his shots in. The Marlin Fan comes unhinged, leaping over the railing and sending Yankee Fan tumbling over a row of seats. Bystanders try to "break up" the fight while simultaneously trying to capture it on film. Security is nowhere to be seen. Then comes the shocking plot twist that melts your heart and jerks the tears from your cold, cynical eyes ... Yankee Fan's young daughter bawling her eyes out.

"Quiet, Sweetheart. Daddy's fighting."

But most of all, kudos to the cameraman for keeping his wits about him and getting some rare, super high-quality footage of the elusive stadium brawl. These things are usually more nauseating than The Blair Witch Project, but this guy is a real poet.

Happy Father's Day, everyone!

Fight at the Yankees at Marlins [YouTube]

Video via: ToastedJoe

The Motor City Soldiers and the Wayne County Bengals, two semi-pro football teams from Metro Detroit, squared off at Royal Oak High School (yeah, that's right) in the first ever football game played by innings. Each offensive possession was half an "inning"—the inning ended when a team scored, punted, or turned the ball over—and no game clock was used. It was all going swimmingly, until a ninth-inning tackle sent players flying into the Bengals bench and all hell broke loose. Players started throwing punches, fans came out of the crowd to join in the ruckus, and the rest of the game was eventually called off. Did I mention it was supposed to go 12 innings? Seriously, this is what the economy has done to the Great Lakes State.

So what was the inspiration for this noble dream that turned into a sub-Arena League debacle three-quarters of the way through its first game? A possibly apocryphal story about one moment in time that made a young man question the concept of fairness and very essence of the sport of football.

"I was at Michigan versus Illinois game and Michigan had the ball on the 4-yard line with a first down, and they then they lost the game because the gun went off," [game organizer Lee] Wilson said prior to the game. "And I thought, ‘What a stupid way to run a ballgame.' "

Yes, we all agree on that. Michigan should always be given as much time as it needs to score game-winning touchdowns. You know what else football needs? A full-court press.

Inning football game ends in brawl [Oakland Press Sports; photo David Dalton]

Anyway, Bugs And Cranks puts together an All-Star team of baseball brawlers, and this team might make us legitimately quake in our spikes and hide behind an elderly bullpen coach. One nominee:

Ben Christensen (minor league award) — Though once a top prospect, Ben never made the majors, but we share a home town so I'm a bit biased. In a minor league game, Ben drilled the on-deck batter in a college game nearly causing the guy to go blind. That kind of ruthlessness can only be an asset in a beanball war.

We had forgotten about Christensen: Excellent choice. We'd have to think Milton Bradley would show up here somewhere, though.

And In This Corner ... [Bugs And Cranks]

Just because it's difficult to find one's self a decent baseball brawl anymore, here's about 90 seconds of a great one between between the Kansas City T-Bones and the Schaumberg Flyers about a week and a half ago. This one loses steam about two-plus minutes in, but it's rare, as one reader put it, "everyone gets involved, the umpire gets his ass handed to him and there is a type Albert Belle vs. Fernando Vina moment in 1:20 in when "Belle" picks up "Vina" and throws him aside, and then "Vina" retaliates with a haymaker. Great stuff all around." Agreed.

T-Bones Report: KC 11, Flyers 9 [Kansas City Star]