Don't get me wrong. I cheered for Watson like crazy yesterday. The only way you'd be rooting for him to lose if you were on the writing staff of fucking Slate. And not only did he lose, not only did he juuuust barely miss out on setting one of the most incredible records in all of sport, but he also managed to lose it in the worst way possible. That putt he boned is the exact same kind of putt you or I would blow with money on the line. To be that close, and to turn back into just another old man right at that crucial moment is so... GUHHHHH.

But I'm one to have a positive attitude, so there is some good to be taken from all this. For one thing, as the great Fake Chuck Klosterman Twitter feed noted, Watson's loss might spare us from 800 words of maudlin Rick Reilly dogshit this coming Wednesday. Then again, probably not.

The real bonus of Watson's choke job, though, is that it will hopefully not inspire old and infirm people that they still have one last run of magic in them. You know damn well there are 60-year-old men all over the place who hit the links this morning, trying to work a little bit of that Watson magic.

Well, don't get too worked up over Watson almost winning the big one, oldies. Just because he nearly climbed the mountain doesn't mean you won't bust a hip trying to follow in his footsteps. That means YOU, Brett Favre. I could just see Watson's near-victory inspiring legions of other old athletes to strap it on for one last go: Troy Aikman, Charles Barkley, Kamala, and such and such. Don't be fooled, olde athletes of yore. You aren't Tom Watson. And you aren't Dara Torres. She only won silver because she's a dude.

I'm on the record as saying that pro athletes should never, ever retire until they are forced out of the game. Being a pro athlete is a fucking kickass job, even if you suck at it in your later years. If someone still wants you around, I'm all for taking them up on the offer, even if it's with the Lions.

This is one of the cool things about golf, because golfers are NEVER forced from the game. They can play for fucking ever, and even occasionally show up on a major tourney Leaderboard at a major well past their prime, as Watson did this year and Greg Norman did at the British last year. It's cool to see. Golfers never have to retire, which in turn spares us from golfers unretiring, which would be annoying as shit.

Because while I approve of playing for as long as you can, I think if you're stupid enough to retire when you really don't want to retire, you shouldn't be allowed to come back. Ever. So to all you old athletes flying high after watching a 59-year-old man nearly pull of the impossible, stay right where you are. You're still old, you're still wrinkly, and we don't want you rushing back onto our fields of play with your walkers, and your pillboxes, and your balloon-powered houses. There's no need to taint Watson's wonderful run with the sight of you limping back into action, ruining our stadiums with your flaky skin and horrid old person stench.

Not that Brett Favre will ever listen.

Photo from golf.com.

Cink had never won his own major, because before last weekend he was terrible. After struggling most of last year and the beginning of this one, he decided he needed a change. So he remade his game—just two months ago—and now he's stomping throats like a champion.

"I needed to change my mental outlook too because I really did not have much of a pre-shot routine working. I decided I needed to get something more regimented, a routine I could lean on under pressure.

"I thought if I stayed with the long putter it would be easy for me to fall back into the old warm and fuzzy feelings so I decided to scrap everything and start over with the short putter."

A putter? That's it? You changed your putter and now you're an Open Champion? That's not what Doctor Pickens says....

What do Stewart Cink, winner of the British Open and Lucas Glover, winner of the U.S. Open have in common? They both used their unbelievable talent and the "Learn to Win" system we have worked on to maintain their composure and display the patience of a true champion ....

Although I have only worked with Stewart since May 19th, 2 months to the day, I am not surprised he was able to play this well today. He has incredible talent and by helping him find the few needed tweaks (mainly in putting), he was able to turn things around rather quickly. After Lucas Glover winning the U.S. Open, it is especially gratifying to see another great student (and person) get rewarded with such a great victory. ...

I, Dr. Morris Pickens, along with all of the rest of my students (who watch his every move) want to congratulate Stewart on all the hard work, dedication, and patience that lead to his victory. He has worked harder on his putting the last two months than he ever has - and it showed today. Way to go Stewart!!!

To learn more about the "Learn to Win" System utilized by both Stewart Cink, 2009 British Open Champion and Lucas Glover, 2009 U.S. Open Champion, look for the release of Dr. Morris Pickens' book "Learn to Win" being released August 11th 2009, during the PGA Championship.

I, Dashiell Bennett, would like to "learn to win" too! Where do I mail my credit card? You see, ever since reading this New York Times article about how trying to block bad behavior out of your mind will pretty much a guarantee that you repeat that bad behavior, I now don't not need help avoiding double negatives in my writing. And mispellings. Can Dr. Mo Pickens save me? Unlike Cink, I will be sure to mention him in my victory speech, should I find myself eligible for some sort of grammar award.

Turnberry triumph was vindication for Cink overhaul [Reuters]
Stewart Cink Wins 2009 Open Championship [Dr. Mo Learn To Win]
Keeping Score - Why Athletes Keep Making the Same Mistakes [NY Times]
British Open: Stewart Cink's win forever linked with Watson [ESPN]

No one was rooting for Cink. In the last 20 minutes, his Wikipedia page has been edited to include the phrases "He won the British Open beating up an old man along the way" and "Cink is nervous, farting often. Asshole spoiled the British Open." But it doesn't matter, because Watson couldn't pull out a simple up-and-down on 18.

This was supposed to be history. It was supposed to be the oldest winner of a major by more than a decade. It was supposed to be a golfer winning his first tournament in 11 years, and doing it at the British Open. It was supposed his first major win in 26 years.

Instead, it's Stewart Cink. A clutch birdie putt on 18 seemed like it wouldn't matter, until the wheels came off the Watson bandwagon. Maybe there's a reason why the old guys don't win; maybe 72 holes takes the stamina of a younger man. Certainly, 76 holes were four too many: Watson collapsed completely, going 4-over in the 4-hole playoff. Cink went 2-under in the playoff, and 2-under for the tournament. And on a weekend where the wind and the rough mercilessly weeded out the best in the world, 2-under was good enough.

So now Tom Watson will retire to the Tom Watson Suite at Turnberry, named for him after his legendary duel with Jack Nicklaus in 1977. That glory was 32 years ago. For the first time this weekend, it feels like it.

What should have been a week to celebrate Turnberry and the best of Scottish golf is rapidly turning into Dueling Scotsmen. It started Monday when Sandy Lyle was asked if walking off the course due to injury at last year's Open had anything to do with him not being named captain of the next Ryder Cup squad—a position that went to Colin Montgomerie.

That is far worse than someone pulling out because of sore knuckles," Lyle said. "You have Monty dropping the ball badly — that's what you would call a form of cheating."

That "cheating" would be Montgomerie's iffy ball drop at the 2005 Indonesian Open. He was never punished, but the move rubbed a lot of players the wrong way. It must have, if it's still being brought up four years later.

Lyle, realizing he might be overreacting a bit, gave a non-apology apology, then waited outside the clubhouse to discuss the matter personally with Montgomerie. Monty never showed. Lyle should have let it drop there. He didn't.

We should get together and sort it out over a couple of pints. Colin is Colin. We do sometimes call him a bit of a drama queen. You have got to get around to it and stop hiding behind your manager and come out and have a talk."

Montgomerie responded by, well, hiding behind his manager, who gave a statement today:

It is all one-sided. It is ridiculous. If one person wants to make himself look ridiculous, then that is fine. People are making this out to be a row. It is not a row, it is one guy who has an issue. Monty does not want to be bothered. He wants to concentrate on the Open and not be drawn into this. Colin left a message with Sandy earlier in the year. Why would he want to speak to Sandy now? Sandy has just defamed him publicly."

You can be sure we haven't heard the last of this, especially in Scotland, where the media treat golf almost like a real sport.

Get Ready For More From Lyle-Monty Dustup [ESPN.com]
Sandy Lyle Calls Colin Montgomerie a ‘Drama Queen' [Times of London]

The Wall Street Journal tackled this exact topic today — or at least gave me reason to — by waxing rhapsodic about golf's founding fathers, like Tom Morris, who was referenced in news reports containing words like "betwixt." Fortunately, the Journal combed through coverage of the first British Open and emerged with some literary gems. It's just too bad the language appears to be an incomprehensible dialect of English.

Take a look for thyself, and make sure you plow through the opening clauses, since the headline is indicative of just about nothing. You may stop when you reach the climax — "The excitement at this stage became very intense." — because you can read all the Hemingway in the world, but you won't find a more declarative sentence.

In fairness to this unnamed and long-deceased scribe, it seems not much has changed in the Queen's land. Take, for example, the subhead of this story from today's Daily Telegraph, headlined "Jimenez just pips Watson":

"Ol' Tom Watson just keeps rolling along, as timeless as the Mississippi river. The 59 year-old from Kansas blazed round Turnberry in 65 strokes as the years tumbled back."

If that's not enough to get you to read the lede, then newspapers really are wading up the creek without a paddle.

The Founding Fathers of Golf [WSJ]
Jimenez just pips Watson [Daily Telegraph]

Evert says the attraction between her and Norman was like an "irresistible force" and even though both attempted marriage counseling with their exes to try to tame the savage beast tearing through their trousers, it was unsuccessful. She also refers to Norman as "sexy" multiple times throughout the interview. Yesterday, after Norman's round ended, Evert asked The Shark if he wanted a beer, to which he responded "No. All I want is you." Then they went home and did it 86 times.

Chris Evert Finally Admits To Sordid Shark Affair [SBB]
Evert admits she and Norman had an affair [The Daily Telegraph]

For a goofy tournament, it sure was anticlimactic at the end. Harrington won by four shots, nailing the eagle on 17, finishing his final round under par, and going +3 for the whole tournament. Just three over? The low score kept rising up, and at one point I felt it would have been somewhere around +10. Greg Norman didn't get that memo. He finished tied for third at +9, but I don't know if anyone's too disappointed that he blew it. It was just sort of cool to see his name again at the top.

But don't worry, pentagenarian golf fans. Maybe a fiftysomething will win the upcoming PGA Championship, which starts in a few weeks just north of Detroit.

He hasn't won a PGA tournament in 11 years. He hasn't played in a major in three years. Tiger Woods goes on golf's disabled list, and suddenly you've got chaos. Actually, maybe Tiger Woods will make a charge on Sunday and win this thing. I wouldn't be surprised.

And to liken the scoreboard to baseball's National League West, Ben Curtis and three others, all at +7, are in fifth place, five shots back. David Duval shot an 83. Atta boy.

So, in conclusion: Greg Norman. When the hell did every single golf major become exciting for a different reason?

2008 Open Championship Leaderboard

Right now Norman's the leader at even par. Of course in 1986 Greg Norman won the "Saturday Slam" by leading all four major tournaments with one day to play. He only managed to win the British Open. He's also the only golfer to have lost a playoff at all four majors. I guess what I'm saying is, Greg Norman defines the golfing yips.

Also, I neglected to note that Norman married Chris Evert on June 28. How cute.

Other names within shouting distance for the weekend? How about David Duval currently at +1 (through 5 holes), Jean Van de Velde at +4, and Rocco at +3. Also, some guy named Camillo Villegas shot a 65. Which is like shooting a 61 or 62 in decent weather. Villegas birdied the final five holes, and then, just because he could, he made out with Amy Mickelson.

If there is any justice in the world our final pairing on Sunday will be Rocco and Van de Velde. In the meantime, they're forecasting 45 mile an hour winds and rain for tomorrow. Gotta love those lovely British summers.

British Open Leaderboard [CBS]

Fresh off his one-stroke 18 hole playoff loss to Tiger, the man, the myth, the legend, Rocco Mediate clocked in his first round at -1. So if you had a dream that man boobs were going to own the British Open and you rushed to Vegas to lay your money on Phil, you picked the wrong tits.

Only three players were able to break par. One guy who finished even? 53 year old Greg Norman. Norman last won a major in 1993. Of course he collapsed in the 1996 Masters and later threw a party where President Clinton tore his ACL, but other than that he's been out of the news. Also, Norman doesn't look 53. I'm pretty sure he could still kick most of our asses.

Like a guy not quite certain if he wants to be a part of the gangbang, Sergio Garcia is lurking at +2.

British Open Leaderboard [CBS]

Rolling into the British Open Phil Mickelson was optimistic this could be his year. By 10:30 eastern, we knew that wasn't the case. The Hefty Left swung his manboobs from one side of the fairway to the other on his way to a robust 79. At least he didn't waste any time taking himself out of competition. After six holes, Phil was already six over. Including a nice triple bogey on six.

Our patron saint, John Daly, fared no better, shooting an 80. Between them they had a single birdie.

Oh well, at least we know it wasn't Tiger that was keeping Phil from performing well in the British Open. Right now the conditions are nasty and brutish. No one has put up a below par score. Although, amazingly, David Duval finished only three over par.

And hole six, a par 4? The scoring average right now is over 5. No chance I'm getting off that hole without a snowman.

British Open Leaderboard [CBS Sports]</</p>

In case you haven’t heard, the British Open won’t have Tiger Woods, which means 98 percent of anyone that even remotely cared about golf won’t anymore. It’s going to be like that threesome your wife finally agrees to only to have to pack up all the sex toys and excess lube because the other girl had to cancel. Yippee, missionary with the wife again, a trip to Jamba Juice is spicier.

For the people that care about golf with or without Woods, it might actually be interesting. The big question for a decade has been who will battle Mr. Woods, and since the only two people to come remotely close were a Fijian with a putting problem and a lefty with a weight problem, the talk has flamed out. Now, for the first time since ”Hello World” we have no idea who the favorite is.

Some extremely intelligent pundits have looked at Sergio Garcia, who battled hard in the British Open last year until he realized he was, well, Sergio Garcia and decided to putt like his real identity. Garcia eventually lost to one of the only sports characters I think could change from real life to cartoon and look the exact same, Padraig Harrington. El Nino won at the Players Championship this year and immediately thanked Tiger Woods for giving someone else a chance to win, which does show that he’s good at winning when Tiger is out of the equation. That or he’s just delusional. You know, whatever.

Some other people are favoring South African Ernie Els, maybe because they let their Apple laptop run out of battery and it started up with some date from 10 years ago. Els won this event in 2002, and that’s about the last thing you’ve heard about Ernie.

Others have even gone as far as to pick, wait for it, Phil Mickelson to win a British Open! I’d have a better chance against Robert “Tractor” Traylor in a, well, “man” contest before Lefty wins one of these things. He has one top-10 at the British ever and finished a cool 79th when the event was held at Royal Birkdale last time. Also, with Phil there are only three certainties you can bank on – slick hair, an In-N-Out burger stop and the fact that his wife will always be that couple’s diamond in the rough.

Also, you have to love Kenny Perry at Royal Birkdale. The guy is playing the best golf of anyone on tour and really seems to be in tune with his game right now. You know, you never bet against a guy that has won three of his last five tournaments. Oh boy, this guy could really light it up come Sunday. Could you imagine him adding a Claret Jug to his trophy collection? It would be a dream scenario for the 47-year-old.

This might be a cheap pick, but I think it’s another year for a random golfer. You can have your Garcias, Mickelsons and Ernies, I’ll grab Andres Romero, Lee Westwood and Nick Dougherty.

I know it isn’t going to be the same without Tiger in the field. This was a perfect storm for Team Tiger, as his good buddy Mark O’Meara won this event in 1998 with current swing coach Hank Haney working with him at the time. Woods would probably win this thing with some contrary approach to the golf course that nobody thought of, like hitting punch six-irons off the tee to a spot where he can hit another six iron or driving the ball in completely different fairways, because that’s what Tiger does (he’s smart).

For golfers, the British Open is the best scheduled event of the year. You wake up on Saturday and Sunday, check out all the coverage while in bed and still can knock out nine holes after it’s all wrapped up. It’s like Christmas morning without having to actual interact with family members.

So, enjoy the Tiger-less and Kenny-less British this weekend. If nothing else, it’s one more weekend closer to the start of college football.

After swing coach Butch Harmon said Daly was more interested in drinking and having a good time than he was in being a good golfer. Daly, who is more interested in drinking and having a good time than being a good golfer, took offense. Now he's finally firing back from England. Sort of.

"Most of that stuff started with Butch Harmon," Daly told the AP. "His lies sort of destroyed me for awhile. He should be a real man and get his facts straight."

Which lies would that be? Because if John Daly doesn't like drinking, chasing bad women, gambling, eating, and not taking golf seriously, then why do we care about the 600th best golfer in the world? Anyway, here's to hoping Big John is in the running tomorrow. I know I'll be rooting for him.

Daly still angry over Harmon's "drunk" comments [Golf.com]

Van de Velde, who memorably choked away the 1999 British Open with a triple bogey, was one of four golfers to qualify for next week's British Open. Even better for Van de Velde, he birdied the 18th hole to qualify.

After the infamous triple bogey, Van de Velde vowed he would play the 18th with his putter (he'd set a record for fewest putts in the 1999 British Open). The next year, he made the trip back to Carnoustie, and played the entire hole with his putter. He scored a six.

Yeah, Jean Van de Velde can drive the ball further with his putter than I can with my Big Bertha. I suck.

Van Nips Into Open [The Sun]

Frozen Minute: Van de Velde throws it away [ESPN]