1. FLUUUUKE! FLUUUUKE! FUCKING FLUKEY FLUKE FLUKE!!!! Expect to hear that sort of thing a lot this year, Cardinal fans (nee Leitch). To push away the haterade for a moment, one of the things that really bothered me about Arizona's postseason run last year were all the people who happily declared the Cardinals' run a product of extreme good fortune. They were lucky to play in the NFC West. They were lucky Seattle was injured all last year. They were lucky to play a rookie QB in the Wild Card round. They were lucky to be in Carolina the night Jake Delhomme's arm died. They were lucky to draw a home game for the NFC title game. They were lucky lucky lucky.

The single worst perpetrator of all this was a guy I admire, Aaron Schatz over at Football Outsiders. Schatz went so far as to say he wasn't looking forward to the Steelers-Cardinals Super Bowl last February because, numerically, he found both teams (but Arizona in particular) so incredibly lackluster. This is the sort of thing that causes the Buzz Bissingers of the world to give statheads a bad name. Schatz was upset the Eagles lost the NFC title game because they failed to prove his metrics correct. But the reason you look to compile interesting stats isn't so that your predictions come true and you look like some big swinging dick. That's Mariotti shit. The point is to explore new ways of seeing the game so that you enjoy it more. Yes, the Cardinals were lucky to get to the Super Bowl last year. Know who else was lucky? EVERY SUPER BOWL ENTRANT IN HISTORY. Flukiness is an inherent part of success. The whole idea of "worst Super Bowl winner ever" and shit like that is fucking stupid. If the supposedly best teams should always win, there'd be no fucking point in playing the games. So I say cheers to the Cardinals for their bizarre anomaly of a year. After all, there's no fucking way they're going back again, because…

2. Holy shit, that's a bad pass defense. Say hello to the team that gave up more passing touchdowns than any other last year, and by an astonishing margin. The Cards gave up 36 passing TD's last year. The next most given up were by the Patriots with 27 of them. Cornerback Bryant McFadden was brought in from the Steelers to help stop the bleeding. But still, it took the Steelers just seven pass attempts in less than two minutes to drive down the field and score the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. Against a no-huddle passing attack, the Cardinals are more vulnerable than Leitch around a naked Rick Ankiel. Speaking of which…

3. Leitch roots for them. Motherfucking raisin-eating freak.

4. Beanie Wells sneezed, will be out seven weeks. The Cards running backs this year are Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower. Which means the Cards running back this year is Tim Hightower. The Cards wanted to draft Donald Brown. Now you know why. Beanie Wells can't drink from a water fountain without hurting his fucking ankle.

5. Team with borrowed nicknames suck as a rule. On principle, I hate any team that moves from one city to another and is too lazy and uninspired to change their fucking nickname. The Indianapolis Colts. The Utah Jazz. The New Orleans Hornets. Nothing screams "I'm a cheap asshole" like not ponying up the money to rebrand a team. It's especially bad with the Cardinals, given that their team nickname is so lame and derivative to begin with. There were so many badass desert themes to work with: snakes, scorpions, severed heads buried in the ground, etc. And yet, they're still the boring-ass Cardinals. Fuck the Cardinals. Lucky assholes.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Actually, at the time, I didn't know it was Matt Leinart. I just remember the dream vaguely, wandering through Arizona — a state I wouldn't step foot in for 10 years — as the Arizona Cardinals celebrated winning the Super Bowl. My dreams are always rather dull. I'm envious of those people who see dragons in their dreams, or ninjas, or vast journeys across the space-time continuum. My subconscious is annoyingly linear.

All I remembered from the dream was that a lefthanded quarterback had just led the Cardinals to a championship. Isn't that strange? I told my friend Matt about it, so he can back me up, though at the time he just slapped me for feeling the need to tell a male friend about my dreams.

The funny thing about the dream was that it might as well have been about dragons. The notion of the Cardinals winning the Super Bowl was equally fantastical. In 1998, the Cardinals hadn't made the playoffs since I was seven years old, and that was a strike year, which doesn't count. Since then, I've used the Buzzsaw as a joke. Sure, I've watched all (OK, most) of their games, but it was always with tongue firmly in cheek, like listening to a lot of Meat Loaf and then pretending to be embarrassed about it.

And now here they are. It still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It doesn't feel right, seeing this happen, and I get a general sense that it doesn't feel right to anybody else either. (The sad thing about Charles Pierce's Slate piece is that I found myself hating him ... and pretty much agreeing with most of what he wrote.) People keep asking me What This Means — mostly because I'm the only Arizona Cardinals fan anyone knows — and I have no idea. It won't make any sense until the game starts Sunday, and probably not even then.

Are the Cardinals going to win Sunday? Theoretically speaking, I'd never want to venture a prediction, lest I jinx my beloved eleven. But at this point, even the most superstitious fan must admit that the world is upside down and without logic. Nothing I could do could make this stranger.

So. Cardinals 23, Steelers 21. And if Kurt Warner gets hurt and Matt Leinart, the lefty, ends up winning on the final drive ... I think I better get my ass to a church.

Second part of the Deadspin Civil War Mayor's bet is complete. This was actually more painful than the tattoo.

Thanks to the Electric Jim Cooke, Cajun Boy, and Videogum for their assistance. Will, obviously hopped up on Buzzsaw Juice, is a lot stronger than I thought.

This video was lovingly put together by Gawker video ninja Mike Byhoff.

And, no, the romantic sushi dinner will not be filmed.

I'm meeting a prospective artist over at DareDevil Tattoo in the Lower East Side in a few minutes to find out just how long, painful, and ridiculous-looking this image would be. Many people have tried to talk me out of following through with my end of the Mayor's Bet (including the Emeritus himself), but, personally, I feel like not following through with it would be even more lame than actually having a buzzsaw tattoo forever. My parents, on the other hand, are much more concerned about me getting walloped in the face with a cookie sheet. That will take place either tonight or tomorrow night, depending on scheduling conflicts.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. More tomorrow.

On the "SportsCenter" the night of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals' NFC Championship victory — and that's a phrase that will never look right, ever — ESPN ran a list of "unlikely playoff winners." The group of Buzzsaw fans I was with, a group that, as tends to happen, is now pretty much full of lifelong friends, groaned as we saw footage of the 2006 George Mason Patriots, some hockey team I knew nothing about and, amusingly, the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals.

Anyone who was around here back then will remember how that went down, my 6 a.m. drunken posts and dancing idiocy. (That World Series was also the start of DUAN.) But what most won't remember is how cynical I was about that team going into the playoffs. That is to say: I was pretty sick of watching them by the time National League Divisional Series began. I groused that this team didn't deserve to call themselves Cardinals, and my NLDS Game 1 live blog reads today like someone wanting his team wanting to hurry up and lose and get the pain overwith already. That was not a good team. They did not deserve to win the World Series. They got lucky. I am not complaining about this. It is simply fact.

I don't feel that way about this Arizona Cardinals run. This team is not getting lucky, or catching bad teams at the best possible time. This team has had the talent to do this all season, but they just never got it together. This playoff run — this NFC Championship run — involves a team finally tapping into the talent it had all along. The 2006 St. Louis Cardinals required Jeff Suppan and Jeff Weaver to turn into Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling overnight, and, somehow, insanely, they did. All this NFC Title run required was Larry Fitzgerald to remain Larry Fitzgerald, and the defensive unit to stay away from the snow. This is still shocking; it's the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl, after all. But this is not the impossible. This is a much better team than everyone thought. Those 2006 St. Louis Cardinals weren't.

Of course, this will seem more shocking to the rest of the sports world because, well, these are the Arizona Cardinals, and the notion of the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl is beyond normal human capacity for comprehension. And it's certainly shocking to me, who has spent more Sundays pleading with the bartender to switch the tiny black-and-white television in the back to the Cardinals than I care to count. (Everyone just assumes I'm watching the game for gambling purposes.) All I've ever wanted from this team was for someone to notice them. The NFL is the signature sporting conglomerate in the country, the massive monopoly that crushes all other sports in its path, and yet no one ever seemed aware that the 32nd team existed. I'd like to say that I was outraged by the slack-jawed, gaping "The Arizona Cardinals" coverage everyone has given this team for the last three weeks, but I can't. Why wouldn't they be dismissed? I always dismiss them too, and I never miss a game.

I feel like I've earned the right to wallow in this unprecedented achievement, but not as much as many of the people I met in Glendale this weekend. I can't claim to have sat in 110-degree heat at Sun Devil Stadium, for some reason tolerating the pain and sweat while the Cardinals lost by 30 points to the Giants and most of the upper level devolved into fisticuffs. That's the best kind of devotion: Devotion that has zero guarantee of ever paying off. This is not to say that I was 100 percent impressed with everyone at the Pink Taco. The general vibe at halftime — outside of my group of nervous, terrified diehards — was a little too gloating for my tastes, and, midway through the third quarter, when the momentum had clearly changed hands, a selection of idiots attempted to start The Wave. I began to worry that we didn't deserve this. That perhaps we were not ready.

And then that final drive, the huge plays by Tim Hightower (who, oddly, few people are talking about, even though he was a monster on that last drive), the two-point conversion, which was calming, which was "OK, so, if the worst case happens now, there's still overtime, and we'll be the only ones who know we have to score." When the Eagles made their last dash to tie it, University of Phoenix Stadium was, no doubt, louder than I have ever heard any building, at any sporting event, at any time. I was screaming too. This is different than baseball. Baseball is all buildup, and release. Football is one constant release.

It is worth noting that until Darnell Dockett fell to the ground after his "interception" on the final play, I didn't believe this would happen. (I screamed "FALL DOWN" louder than anything I'd screamed all day.) And then it happened, then it was over, then the Arizona Cardinals — the Arizona freaking Cardinals — were going to the Super Bowl. Everyone hugged, a few people teared up, mostly people looked like they'd just seen their grandmother do a triple somersault. It didn't make any sense. It came out of nowhere. Decades of pain, of pointlessness, erased in one ridiculous, preposterous two-week span. That was the only way it could have happened.

What's going to happen at the Super Bowl? Forgive me, but I really don't care. Obviously, I want the Buzzsaw to win, but mostly, I just want people to have to say "Pittsburgh Steelers vs. ARIZONA CARDINALS in the Super Bowl." I want those blank stares, those confused vocal inflections, those scoffing "what a crazy YEAR" sneers. No matter what happens on February 1, even if the Buzzsaw loses by 40 points, it'll never be the same to be an Arizona Cardinals fan again. It turns out: It really was worth all of it. Who knew? I sure didn't.

Five hours after the game, at a bar in Phoenix, our exhausted, piss-drunk gaggle of fans drank and watched Chris Berman, with a bewildered shake of his head, say the same thing Kurt Warner had said, and we had said to ourselves all day. "The Arizona Cardinals ... are in the Super Bowl." It'll never sound right. That's OK. It shouldn't sound right. It should sound amazing and new and absurd and wonderful and all of it. It should sound as startling as it was to watch it happen. And, somehow, it's true. I will not question it. I will not worry about it. I'll just drink it in, and marvel that the world is a strange place. And I will dodge the meteor. The Arizona Cardinals ... are in the Super Bowl.

(This picture contains every diehard Arizona Cardinals fan known to man. OK, actually, there's a Cowboys fan in there.)

The key question this week, or with any conference championship game, or NLCS, or Elite Eight, or Conference Finals, or whatever, is: What would this win mean? It's difficult to argue that the game means more for the Cardinals than the Eagles. If the Buzzsaw loses, we will be sad, but we fans will remember the season with fondness and considerable bewilderment. No one will be angry. It was an incredible run. We'll never forget it. If the Eagles lose, Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb must die. It's all a matter of perspective.

That doesn't mean a win wouldn't mean more for us, though. Not only have the Arizona Cardinals never been to a Super Bowl, the notions of "Arizona Cardinals" and "Super Bowl" are so incongruous that putting them in the same sentence sounds unnatural, like when your aunt asks you how excited you felt when the Boston Celtics won the World Series.

That's what this would mean to us. It would be physical proof that the Arizona Cardinals are a part of the NFL, of the NFL's history, a spot finally reserved on sports' biggest stage, at last, awareness of our existence that can never be taken away. That might not mean much to you if you are a Bears fan, or a Giants fan, or an Eagles fan, or god forbid a Cowboys fan. But it means something to us. We would be a real, live team. For the first time. That means a lot. That means a ton.

That's what Sunday's game means for us, for The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals. It's a chance, at last, to be alive in the eyes of the world.

Am I confident? I am, actually. I truly believe Arizona is going to win. I'm not cocky about it, dismissive of the opponent, like some people. I just feel like this could really happen. The stars seem aligned. The team is stronger than it has been since I can remember. And it feels like a sea change could be eminent. It feels like if we can matter now, we might continue to matter, from now on.

So: We enter the mayor's bet. A.J. Daulerio will put something extreme on the line, so, alas, I must as well. He'll be naming his stakes tomorrow, but for now, it's my turn. Let's get this down, officially.

If The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals lose to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday, I, Will Leitch, shall:

1. Take A.J. Daulerio out for a dinner that involves eating as many tacos as he can handle. This is the dumb food version of the bet. I think the Baltimore mayor is giving out crabs, or something. Same thing here.

2. Take a cookie sheet to the face. Mr. Daulerio will be allowed to swing a cookie sheet as hard as he wants directly at my face. This will be filmed.

3. Shave my head. That's right. If the Cardinals lose, a licensed hairstylist in New York City will cut off all of my hair. This will also be filmed; I expect it to look exactly like Full Metal Jacket. No more emo bangs, no more lucious locks, no more hiding of the scalp birthmark that's the shape of Nova Scotia. I will shave my head.

So. There are the stakes. Daulerio will give his side of the bet tomorrow.

Uh: Go Cardinals. Please.

This isn't a popular Eagles team. There weren't incredibly high expectations in the beginning of November. Andy was all but gone. Donovan was benched. It was tear down, rebuild, and scatter the ashes from the Era of Almost in the wind. Yet, remarkably, it's back to the NFC Championship game for the 5th time.

Obviously this game takes on an odd personal and metaphorical significance this time around given the opponent. In some way, this is Baby Mangino versus Buzz Bissinger all over again. Thankfully, no votes will decide this outcome.

Congratulations to the Buzzsaw. This should be interesting.

There was no potential for embarrassment, no striking out with the bases loaded, no missing the game-winning jump shot. Parents don't need to worry about their children being humiliated in front of everyone.

That's how I felt going into tonight's Buzzsaw matchup in Carolina. I wanted them to win, but, mostly, I didn't want to see my beloved team smeared across the field for all to see. I've been watching them too long, through all the devastation, the endless succession of seasons that meant nothing by the middle of October. I didn't want to watch them abased on national television. I just wanted them to come out alive, not in the corner of the field, crying, blubbering, wetting themselves.

Well, turns out, watching tonight's game was like seeing your kid suddenly grow wings and shoot fireballs out of his nose. I, like everybody else (including, it seems, the Buzzsaw players themselves), am utterly flabbergasted by what just happened. I can't explain it either. But I am not going to question it. I am just going to glide along, still a little worried about them, but more confident than ever that, you know, what, this kid might turn out all right after all.

The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals are playing in the NFC Championship Game. Read that sentence again. Heavens to Murgatroyd. They should have sent a poet.

And if Philadelphia wins tomorrow ... this site should be rather interesting over the next week.

As you can see, God apparently resembles a homeless backpacker. I saw this guy hitchhiking last weekend; I gave him a ride to Modesto and he cured my pink eye.

Warner: "So, I was drawing a picture of God, but it came out more like Jesus. So why don't we stick with that being Jesus." Kurt, you are an artist with the football; with the pencil, not so much.

Kurt Warner Draws God, And It's Not A Pretty Picture [StLog]
That's Good, But I Asked You To Draw Godzilla [KSK]

(You can find all the pictures right here, lest the Arizona Republic get mad at me for blatantly stealing borrowing their photo.)

I watched the happiest Buzzsaw moment ever from a bar on the Upper East Side, with a friend who has gleefully decided that, hey, now I'm an Arizona Cardinals fan! I have no problem with this, because, for once, I have someone with whom to watch a Buzzsaw game. I know it's not real, I know he's only bandwagon pretending, and I do not care. If you have someone accompanying you when you ask to put the Arizona Cardinals game on, the bartender is less likely to make you watch the tiny black-and-white television in the back of the bar.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder how nice it must have been to be in Glendale. Lifelong Buzzsaw fans, there, in person, on the day they finally broke through. How electric must that atmosphere have been? Well, take it from the Arizona Republic's Kent Somers:

The attendance was announced at 63,270 but there were more empty seats in this game than I can remember for any Cardinals game at University of Phoenix Stadium. And many of the fans had left well before the game ended. Maybe the fact that a division title was pretty much in hand weeks ago made staying around less attractive.

Uh ... excuse me?

A year-and-a-half ago, I asked a fellow lifelong Arizona Cardinals fan, albeit one who grew up in Arizona, what it was like actually being a season ticket holder. I'd never been to Arizona at the time, and I've still never been to a game. He was there Sunday. Here's how he described the scene:

While the Cardinals were crashing at ASU’s Sun Devil Stadium, the only sections that were full for every game were the west grandstand behind the home sideline and the end zones. This was done for survival: early season temperatures are well over 100, but in the second half the sun would dip behind the butte adjacent to the stadium and shade the west side. While the fifteen thousand or so Cardinals fans would get some relief, the visiting team and fans on the east side had no protection from the searing afternoon sun. This was part of the Cardinals’ home field advantage. The Cardinals had a 100-188 record while the team was based in Tempe.

With a secure lead in the fourth quarter on Sunday, most of the sellout crowd got an early start to the parking lots or the bleak chain restaurants of Glendale. Well, much of the sellout crowd never showed up in the first place. But the west grandstand and end zones remained full until the end, just like during the lean years in Tempe. Despite an inevitable division championship the longtime Cardinals fan knows to wait until the clock reads zero. Those hardcore fans stayed and cheered for fifteen minutes after time ran out. The players headed to the locker room, perhaps out of instinct, but soon returned to celebrate with their fans. There were some tears. The players gave fans handshakes and mementos. Bertrand Berry, who endured the Dennis Green regime to become a team leader, threw his helmet high in the air and took a lap around the stadium with a fan’s homemade “NFC West Champions” sign. Adrian Wilson, the longest-tenured Cardinal, was emotional as he recalled the pain of the previous seven years. Kurt Warner knelt at midfield; I have heard he is quite religious.

OK, so, there were some fans hanging around. But still.

I find this personally frustrating, but if I weren't a fan of the Buzzsaw, I'd be more annoyed. One of the dumber "storylines" used commonly during the baseball playoffs was how great Tampa Bay's run was for "long-suffering Rays fans." At the time I made the argument that, well, there were no long-suffering Rays fans, or at least not so many as to champion it as some major occurrence. The Buzzsaw are the same way. The team has lost repeatedly for 34 years, and when they finally break through ... most of the fans leave early and the team has to publicize their achievement by scribbling on the back of towels. This is what happens when your team loses for 34 years.

So, if the Buzzsaw end up doing anything in the playoffs, beware of the "their fans have earned it!" designations. Because, if those above stories are even slightly indicative, there are very, very few fans who have actually earned it. I'll confess, I kind of think I have. But lots of teams' fans have ... and there are more of them.

Yesterday, I bought a plane ticket to go to Arizona for their first playoff game, whenever that is. (I'm assuming they won't end up with a bye.) I have a feeling I'm not going to have any trouble finding tickets.

32. Detroit Lions (0-13). Everyone seems to be conceding the winless season now, but I dunno: The way the Packers are going, I can't imagine them being particularly inspired to avoid history at Lambeau in Week 17. No matter what happens in that game, I can guarantee you Brett Favre will be Tivo-ing it. Side note about Tivo: I still find it amusing how Tivo's lawyers get pissy when you use their name as a verb. (A couple of years ago, I got a nasty note from them for doing it, and it pretty much happens all the time.) The fear is that the general public will just think of "Tivo" as a general digital video recorder, rather than a brand name, like what happened to Xerox and Kleenex. I don't have a Tivo, but man, I Tivo all the time!

31. St. Louis Rams (2-11). The Buzzsaw was up 27-7 early in the fourth quarter Sunday, and the Rams were facing fourth and, like, 3, on the Buzzsaw 34. Certainly, the game looked to be somewhat in hand, but the Rams were still only three scores back. Rather than go for it — considering, you know, who cares? — the Rams kicked a field-goal to make it 27-10, putting them ... three scores back. Contrast this with the 49ers, who went for it on fourth-and-1 at midfield twice against the Jets. When Mike Singletary has a head coaching job next year and Jim Haslett doesn't, you'll know why. Plus, Singletary is a crazy person. That helps too. Puts butts in seats. Pantless butts.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1). Palin watch! I don't quite understand the hullabaloo about the Republic National Committee spending $165,000 on stylists for Palin during her nine weeks on the campaign trail. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if Palin weren't attractive, she would have never been chosen in the first place. Right? Don't you want to protect that asset as much as possible? You mean to tell me they could have spent that money on anything more worthwhile? Oh, sure, yeah, get a radio ad in southern Montana: That's smart budgeting! I'd be more concerned if they spent $165,000 on making McCain look good. Because they probably would have needed a lot more. Though SNL made him look all right back in the day.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11). Bad signs: Herman Edwards was asked if he had any interest in the head coaching job at San Diego State. He said: "I have a college team right now." The bad sign is not that Herman Edwards is aware of how bad his team is. The bad sign is when you are a pro coach and you're being asked about openings at San Diego State.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-10). Without question, the most depressing editorial cartoon I've seen all week:

To be fair, it wasn't a tough competition. Editorial cartoons usually aren't that depressing. Mark Lisanti, as always, has the best line: "Kent will probably land on his feet, but I’m afraid poor Jimmy Olsen’s going to be getting by on giving $5 handjobs in the alley behind the Daily Planet."

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-11).. I'm officially predicting Seattle as the home of both Matt Cassel and Plaxico Burress next year. I've been working on a big feature for NY mag about the Giants, so I've spent the whole week interviewing naked athletes in East Rutherford. It will be a happy day when I never have to think about Plaxico Burress — or the idiotic "Saturday Night Live sketch" about him — again.

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9). Marty Schottenheimer might be returning to Cleveland. This is rather perfect. Other things I hope to happen: "The Drew Carey Show" returns to primetime television, Brad Daughtery will scrap the Nascar and go back to playing center and Clevelanders will make Dennis Kucinich mayor again. Actually, that would be pretty amazing. They'd sell seaweed at Indians games.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9). I can't overstate to you people how great The Official Shaq Twitter is. I know it has been written about, but come on: This is brilliance of the highest order. Among the most recent posts:

Just saw punisher, great bloody movie, aggggggh, dats what i , nevamind lol, aggggggh (growl) (snarl) spit

The stars at nite r big n bright clap clap clap clap deep n da heart of texas, im n dallas

Is plexico in trouble, mayor bloomberg sounded mad

Someone really, REALLY needs to put together a performance art piece about this.

24. Green Bay Packers (5-8). Today's big story from the Green Bay Press Gazette is actually a pretty great one: "Dog that froze to sidewalk is recovering." You know, after seeing that headline, I think I might read on:

Jiffy, a male, was freed by Payne and two other Humane Society employees, who poured warm water over its back end. The owner told police she tried to get the dog inside but was unable to, and instead checked on the dog every few hours, police said. The temperature dipped to 6 degrees overnight, according to the National Weather Service.

The dog was "morbidly obese," they say. This is the equivalent of the guy in the emergency room who's so fat that nurses find various objects in his fat rolls, like a remote control or that long-lost niece. (Not that my mother works in an ER and has to deal with this on a daily basis or anything.)

23. Buffalo Bills (6-7). From what I understand, there are 10 days of major social activity in Buffalo. The eight home games for the Bills, Christmas and the Ballroom/Tango Dance at the Brounshilde VFW every Wednesday. (I am counting that as one event.) Taking away one of those games just seems cruel. But man, if I lived in Toronto, I'd be flipping out at the possibility of having that team come to town, after that game. Boy howdy.

22. San Francisco 49ers (5-8). SHOTY No. 16 appearance aside, at this point, it would seem that Singletary would have to hold onto the coaching job next year. I don't think I'm along in requesting "Hard Knocks" cameras to put in their application for Niners' camp, like, immediately.

21. San Diego Chargers (5-8). You know, I think I'd enjoy FireNorv.net a lot more if the site's purveyor weren't obviously insane.

Come and have fun. Speak freely in the comments section. Smack talking is encouraged but try to keep it funny and good hearted. WE ARE ALL CHARGERS FANS AFTER ALL! We just might disagree. Feel free to tell me what a jackass I am but don't be surprised if I point out that your a moron. I'm glad you came by and no I don't make money from this website. Its a free blog. Oh and if your a Pats fan go screw yourself. No I take that back. Pats fans just bought a t-shirt from me. I have a huge box of them left. Somebody please buy them.

Hey, you know, the guy needs to unload some T-shirts.

20. Houston Texans (6-7). OK, I had to check this four times to make sure it was right: The Texans are 6-7??? What? They've got two home games and a roader against Oakland coming up. Honestly, I had assumed the Texans were, like, 3-10. And you wonder why these rankings rarely make sense.

19. Washington Redskins (7-6). Want to know how strange this season has been? There are 19 teams over .500 and only 13 under it. That doesn't seem possible; I feel like somebody's math is wrong. Oh, what a year to have the AFC and NFC Wests on your schedule. The Buzzsaw is one win away from going 6-0 against the NFC West and 3-7 against everybody else. Go crazy, folks!

18. New Orleans Saints (7-6). The best part about living in New York City: Sometimes, for no reason, Bill Murray will just show up at your party and tell you you're wasting your life.

The weirdest part of the experience is not that Bill showed up at some random ragtag Halloween party, but that it's only one of several out-of-place encounters New York City hipsters have had with the actor in the past few months. From hanging out with rock bands to hitting on twentysomething women at bars, Bill seems to be going through his own unique midlife crisis. He's not a boozy, sweaty party hound who gets caught on camera cheesing it up with pretty young girls (see: Mel Gibson, Bono); rather, he's more like a ghost in the night, who shows up out of nowhere, engages in utterly random conversations and then exits gracefully—leaving witnesses to wonder what the hell just happened. Deadpan, detached and seeming a bit lonely, Bill Murray is NYC's most unlikely new party guy.

This makes me sad in a profound way that I cannot place.

17. Chicago Bears (7-6). In honor of the 1985 Bears, the team that not even Barack Obama could usurp in the minds of Chicagoans, here's a grand new site: BeTaMaXMas. Basically, some maniac has wired kitschy YouTube videos to play on an old rabbit-ears television. So far, I've seen ALF, a Billy Squier holiday song and, most awesomely, "Christmas Comes To Pac-Man Land." And ... there goes my evening.

16. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Since I've already covered the Buzzsaw, I'll just say that I was really looking forward to making fun of ESPN.com's new design, except that I kind of like it, and Deadspin, from what I understand, is about to go through another massive one. And boy, do I know how much Deadspin readers like change. Part of me wants to comment from my Facebook account just so people will attack me on my wall.

15. Minnesota Vikings (8-5). Honestly, the most important game of the week, really, swear, no kidding, is the Minnesota at Arizona game. Winner is pretty much set with the No. 3 seed in the NFC. If the Buzzsaw lose, there is no reason to worry about the rest of the year. They can lose the rest of the games, or win the rest of their games, and they're locked into that No. 4 spot. So. If they lose, I repeat: Play Leinart the rest of the way. Warner's not winning the MVP anyway, and if the Cardinals' first home playoff game since 1947 — 1947! — features Matt Leinart starting at QB because Warner got hurt in an unnecessary game ... we're going to have a problem.

14. Denver Broncos (8-5). You know who understands the Web? Jann Wenner! From an interview that's not from 15 years ago but, in fact, from this week:

MediaWorks: How much of Wenner Media's ad revenue comes from digital operations?

Jann Wenner: Honestly, I don't know.

Finger on the pulse, that guy! Another great excerpt:

MediaWorks: What websites do you regularly visit?

Jann Wenner: I look at RollingStone.com actually to tell you the truth. That's my default site. I read The Times every night. I use Google, YouTube, you know, that kind of stuff.

MediaWorks: No favorite blogs or other sources of news?

Jann Wenner: You know what the problem is? Finding enough time to read and raise children is just like, whoof.

Pretty fantastic Palin-esque answer there, Jann. I have 100 percent confidence that Jann Wenner's products are going to succeed dramatically in the future. With that kind of commitment at the very top of the company, how could they not?

13. New York Jets (8-5). Uh-oh. It's pretty amusing, actually, how the Giants and Jets have essentially traded seasons this year. At the beginning, everyone was paying attention to the Jets because of Brett Favre and missing the genius of what the Giants were doing. Now that Plaxico has happened, people are watching the Giants for all the wrong reasons and ignoring the sudden, somewhat inexplicable collapse of the Jets. What happened here? Is Bill Cowher coaching these guys next year? Will he be coaching Favre? Shit really does happen fast these days.

12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5). Aw, man, seriously, was there a more beautiful sight that watching all the Cowboys snipe at each other on the sidelines after they lost Sunday? What a blessed holiday gift: All the Cowboys eager to scratch each other's throats out. You know what? I love Tony Romo, but don't you get the sense these guys are just outdated? The NFL doesn't run on guys like Romo and Owens anymore; they run on Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Kerry Collins and James Harrison. The Cowboys are the Jann Wenner of the NFL: Discuss.

11. New England Patriots (8-5). The Patriots are TOUGH! Witness my "colleague" over at WEEI.com, the esteemed Michael Felger:

We’ll talk about the level of competition some other time. The Seattle Seahawks get paid. The NFL logo is stitched onto their jerseys. The game counted. And that means you shouldn’t be embarrassed to call the Patriots’ come-from-behind, 24-21 victory at Qwest Field Sunday what it truly was: Tough. Clutch. Gutsy. The Pats may be without many of the players that brought them their three championships, whether it is through injury, age or free agency. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some very tough football players left in that locker room.

Some day, I'd like to see a team lose, and have the beat reporter write, "Well, the problem with the Seahawks today is that they were a bunch of goddamned pussies." That would be an enjoyable day.

10. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1). Woo-hoo! I get to overrate the Eagles again! Boy, how I'd missed it. Hey, so I just got this email from Hillary Clinton's mom:

Dear Will,

I'm so proud of everything my daughter has accomplished and excited about what her future holds.

Her life is full of amazing achievements, and her story has inspired millions of people, especially young girls, to achieve their dreams, no matter what they are.

There's a wonderful book about her life I'd like to share with you. It's called Hillary Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight, and it is the perfect way to share my daughter's story with a child you want to inspire.

As you know, Hillary is still working hard to pay down the debt from her campaign, and I hope you'll take this opportunity to help her out. With your contribution of $50, you will receive a copy of Dreams Taking Flight with a specially designed Hillary Clinton bookplate.

And for that special person in your life, with a contribution of $250 or more, you will receive a book that's personally signed by Hillary to him or her by name.

Contribute to help pay down Hillary's debt, and we'll send you a copy of Hillary Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight.

I know you're just as proud as I am of everything my daughter has achieved, and I want to thank you for everything you've done to support her!

Thanks,
Dorothy

I won't make a habit out of this, but I'm just gonna quote straight from my shiny new tumblr: "You know, in retrospect, I’m pretty pissed at the publicity staff at HarperCollins for not coming up with the idea of having my mother email people telling them that if they buy God Save The Fan for $250, they could help pay off her son’s debt. A clear marketing opportunity missed."

9. Miami Dolphins (8-5). Considering how terrifying the job market is right now, I found this Slate "Hot Document" particularly chilling. It's a look at employee handbooks and how they advise managers to lay off employees. (They found one extremely ugly PowerPoint presentation.) The worst: The Employee Termination Guidebook, which "urges managers to move quickly before the doomed employee starts 'telling lies about you, turning others against you and destroying your reputation.'" That book costs $247.

8. Atlanta Falcons (8-5). I kind of think these guys might go crazy and win their last three, and blitz everybody they see in the playoffs. I'm not sure why.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4). I'll confess to missing most of last night's game, because my Illini were busy knocking around the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, or whatever they're called these days. Funny thing about that game: Hawaii actually had no other games on the mainland but this one. They actually flew all the way to the continental U.S. just to play in Champaign. I love Central Illinois, but I can assure them that it was not worth it. By the way, since I still don't get the Big Ten Network, I have to watch all Illini highlights on BigTenNetwork.com. In case you were wondering what happened to the "Dream Job" guy.

(By the way, thank you IlliniHQ, Smile Politely, Mark Tupper and the Daily Illini for keeping me fully updated on our guys while I'm stranded here in New York.)

6. Baltimore Ravens (9-4). I enjoyed Fimoculous.com's ongoing 2008 End-Of-Year-Lists List, because I am under the age of 35 and therefore will read absolutely anything in list form. Therefore, in an attempt to get on the list, a list:

TEN FEELINGS WILL LEITCH HAD DURING 2008

10. Apprehension.
9. Confusion.
8. Indigestion.
7. Arousal.
6. The Vague Concern That He Has A Sticky Film On Him That Just Won't Rinse Away.
5. Hangnail Envy.
4. Suspicion That He Might Be Related To Character Actor Michael Rooker.
3. Paper Cut.
2. Disingenuity.
1. Love.

5. Indianapolis Colts (9-4). In about two weeks, I'll be spending a full Tuesday afternoon in Indianapolis. And yes, I do have a countdown clock above my desk, thanks for asking.

4. Carolina Panthers (10-3). Ah, running back platoon combos. Perfect for coaches who want to win. Bad for the rest of the planet. By the way, having sat through a game at Bank of America Stadium a couple of weeks ago, I can only assume there was crowd noise being pumped into that place by ESPN last night. Stadium's like a morgue.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3). It has been pointed out that any posts I write for New York Magazine's Web site that happen to mention Deadspin should bear a disclaimer. Obviously, this is an oversight on my part. To correct some of my past mistakes:

Finally, a Story Line for the Giants: Note: Author has several friends who are Giants fans and cheers for Kurt Warner, who was once a Giant..
The Office: Surprise Wedding!: Author once had a sports blog, as did Michael Schur, the man who plays Mose Schrute.
‘Heroes’: Deep Sigh: Author is under the age of 40, like "Heroes" stars Masi Oka, Zachary Quinto and Sendhil Ramamurthy.
Plaxico Burress, a Diva Among Giants: Author once fired a gun.
Who Says LeBron Wants Anything to Do With the Knicks?: Author once lived in the Midwest.
This Post: Author still not over the encouraging-homeless-people-to-masturbate-to-pictures-of-his-girlfriend post.

I regret the omissions.

2. New York Giants (11-2). After spending all last week in the Giants locker room, and probably most of next week too, I have to agree with everyone else who's ever had such an unpleasant experience: It's amazing we don't see player dong more often on our television screens. I'm kind of surprised the XFL didn't pioneer the Locker Room Penis Cam, really.

1. Tennessee Titans (12-1). You know, I've always felt bad for people who have amnesia. It must be horrible. Plus, everyone will always just think you're a plot device from a bad TV show that has run out of ideas. It's a vicious circle.

Now, I can record my kid's tee-ball games on a Sony handheld, and the resolution is so perfect you can count the boogers dripping from the shortstop's nose. I know Tennessee is a little backward (the state bird is a flying moonshine bottle), but you'd think a state school would own some decent video equipment. Maybe they shouldn't have hired Japanese horror director Hideo Nakata to edit the footage. "In this scene, Cromartie is haunted by the ghost of a quarterback he interecepted in a past life. The ghost can only be seen on game tape by a raven-haired martial arts vixen in a miniskirt who will be replaced with Katherine Heigl in the crappy American remake."

Once scouts found Rodgers-Cromartie, they knew they had something special. DRC is taller than most cornerbacks, and his long arms allow him to break up passes that other defenders don't reach. He has great quickness and can pluck an interception out of the sky. Tennessee State used him as an all-purpose cornerback-receiver-returner, and some scouts worried that he was just a bass in a minnow bucket who couldn't handle top competition. He allayed those concerns with an interception at the Senior Bowl and impressive off-season workouts.

As for the "Cromartie" thing: he is Antonio Cromartie's cousin. The last name isn't just a callous effort to get drafted. In other words, he's no Chad Henne -Montanaunitasofnazereth.

Winick said Shelton calmly walked in the salon, flashed his stained hands, said he needed help. And that he wanted to look like Johnny Depp. Shelton immediately threw down a $50 tip, she said. "He was telling me that he was a football player for the Arizona Cardinals and he's here painting boats," Winick said. "I thought, isn't it football season now? Some people just make up stuff, so I don't judge."

The guy was in the middle of his manicure when he was arrested by police ... 22 minutes after leaving the bank. WRITER'S EMBELLISHMENT: And as it turns out, half of the man's story was actually true. His real name? Neil Rackers.

First A Bank Robbery, Then A Manicure? [Herald-Tribune, via Fark]

How do we know? Well, he already has Super Bowl plans: He's hosting a party with John Travolta.

Vertical Sports will be staging two of the week's higher-profile fetes at Galleria Corporate Center in downtown Scottsdale. [John] Travolta and Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart team up to host Saturday Night Spectacular, while [Carmen] Electra and other beauties will welcome guests at the fifth annual Leather & Laces party. Both are charity events.

Now, obviously, our Buzzsaw isn't going to make the Super Bowl this year. (But you never know!) But it might be nice to, you know, pretend. By the way, Robin Williams ... John Travolta ... Leinart sure is in hip with the young Hollywood elite, isn't he?

Matt Leinart's Party Buddy [Shakedown Sports]