Let's measure the Otah draft buzz throughout his career in decibels (dB):

1) Leaves JUCO as a lanky ex-basketball player; wins starting job at Pitt (10 dB; rustling leaves)
2) Stones Chris Long repeatedly in Virginia-Pitt game (70 dB; Space Shuttle launch in your kitchen)
3) Suffers minor injury in loss to Navy but writhes on the ground like an extra from Saving Private Ryan (30 dB; polite applause after a birdie at Augusta);

4) Runs a glaciertastic 5.63-second 40-yard dash at the Combine (0 dB; the yawning void of interstellar space);
5) Explains that he ran on a high ankle sprain at the Combine (20 dB; an NPR interview with a singer-songwriter heavily influenced by Steve Forbert whose latest album was recorded in Nashville and explores the changes he went through after the birth of his second child);
6) Shaves 0.3 off his 40-time at private workouts, draws rave reviews from Mayock and the other Gurus (60dB; the junior high cafeteria after the fat teacher falls face first into a tray of tater tots).

Nope. Not gonna pull any worn-out jokes off the Jon Stewart mill. It wouldn't be, I dunno, utilitarian. Stewart's a low-built power runner with very good hands. He showed what he could last season when the rest of the Oregon offense made a big stinky after quarterback Dennis Dixon got hurt. Stewart kept on chooglin' despite the stacked fronts, finishing the season with 253 rushing yards and two touchdowns against South Florida in the Sun Bowl.

He then had off-season turf toe surgery. Those who make fun of turf toe should be forced to walk on it for two weeks. It's like giving birth to a 12-pound bowling ball, through your toe. The ailment is serious, but the surgery was successful, and Stewart should be full speed for the start of camp. Once the toe heels, Stewart has Curtis Martin potential. Not bad for a guy who played college football in a uniform that looks like it was designed by a 60's rock band for a former Eastern Block country to wear to its first ever Olympics.

Sorry, had to squeeze just one in.

Anyway, the Panthers need skill position players, because they can't keep signing Brad Hoover every year and making him the third option in their offense. Yep, they signed Brad Hoover again. They'd sign Wesley Walls again if they could. At least Stewart is a new face.

The Cowboys trainers are furiously trying to iron out that Matt Moore-shaped groove in the front of DeMarcus Ware's jersey. Terrell Owens has to undergo an MRI on his ankle to see just how wobbly it is. Jerry Jones has to call up Panthers owner Jerry Richardson and finish slapping him around a bit with his Super Bowl ring.

But in terms of actual football responsibilities, they got all that out of the way. Oddly enough, not once did Tony Romo drop back to pass, turn his head right, see all those paper copies of his sexy, sexy girlfriend, then shriek in terror and fumble the ball. Punter Mat McBriar, however, was pretty bored during the game, so his wandering eyes made it difficult to stand up and take the field on 4th downs. (This is exactly why Dallas was 3-for-3 on 4th down conversions.)

Removing doubt from the five perpetual optimists in Charlotte, this loss mathematically takes them out of the playoffs, ergo only imaginary numbers could save them now. Steve Smith has endured more than one horrible season with the Panthers, but every time they barely lose, Smith typically has something to do with avoiding the beatdown. You have to wonder how awesome Smith would be were he thrown to his entire career by quarterbacks with fully developed motor skills. Over 75 percent of the Panthers passing game went through Little No. 89. He must really like wearing that shade of baby blue, because he sort of deserves better.

Dallas Cowboys QB Romo shakes off adversity [Dallas Morning News]

Maybe not. These head-on-stick-based fan initiatives, if done thoroughly and without an ounce of shame, have a 100 percent rate of working to perfection, according to a sample size of my own personal experiences.

Last season in college basketball, I found a picture of BGSU basketball leading scorer Martin Samarco on Facebook. He was wearing a one-piece swimsuit, a couple of wigs (one on his head, one on his chest), and it was really quite... actually, see for yourself:

I posted that picture a couple of weeks before Bowling Green played a crucial MAC game down in Ohio University. (By crucial I mean, well, I sort of cared about it.) Some plucky OU fans found the picture and distributed color copies to the fans for the game. Going into that game averaging well over 22 points a game, Samarco had perhaps his worst shooting night of the year: 12 points on 4-for-20 shooting.

So based on this disturbingly accurate tunnel-vision, all signs point to a Carolina Panthers victory tonight. Money down.

Getting Ready [Blogging The Boys]
Show Your Romo Love On Saturday [Deadspin]

The bride wore a beautiful white wedding gown, and the groom was dressed in black with a Panthers tie. The maid of honor and the bridesmaids wore customized white team jerseys with the number 9 signifying the month, and either Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid on the nameplate. The best man, usher, and groomsmen all wore black team with the number 30 signifying the date, and either Best Man, Usher or Groomsman on the nameplate. The flower girl was a future Top Cat, wearing the traditional black and blue cheerleader outfit, and the ring bearer wore a blue number 30 Ring Bearer jersey.

If you'd like to congratulate the lovely couple they're registered at the souvenir stand next to section 108 and their local Brew Threw location. Frankly I like this idea a hell of a lot more than the alternative option for sports themed weddings in the Carolinas...

via AppFan Blog

• We're not going to harp on this, because it's just going to make us upset, but with a chance to go to 4-2 and have a full game lead in the NFC West ... the Buzzsaw lost to the Vinny Testaverde yesterday. And the Kurt Warner injury didn't make all that much difference; they'd have lost if he played as well. The NFC West winner very well might be under .500 this year.

• Today marks the two-week anniversary since we ran our lost Norv Turner Looking Forlorn On The Sidelines photo. There might be something to this give-it-to-LaDaianian and get the hell out of the way thing.

• We wonder if, they had a chance to do it over, if "The Sopranos" would still pick Eric Mangini to play a prominent role in its penultimate episode.

• It's a good thing the Patriots had the last game yesterday, or Boston sports fans would have slept, like, three hours. The Patriots have to make those seven-run 11th innings feel a little better, we'd think.

• We have to come to the belief that the only way to fix the Bears is to put Kyle Orton at quarterback and on the offensive line.

• If Vince Young is out for any period of time, the Titans will regret not grabbing Vinny Testaverde would they could. Hell, we're sure they run the exact same offensive system; they're pretty much the same player.

We couldn't possibly be more thrilled.

"If called upon, I feel like I could do it," Testaverde said. "I'll do whatever they ask me to do and that's why I'm here. I feel comfortable in any situation. We'll just go forward from here and see what happens. Hopefully, I won't have to take a snap this year. If that's the case, we'll have a great year."

We'd like to repeat our favorite fact about Vinny: He's color blind. This will never fail to amuse us. We can't imagine Vinny knows too many of the plays just yet, but we don't think this will stop him from throwing for 400 yards, and then tossing an interception to lose the game.

Vinny Gets One More Shot [Charlotte.com]
Interesting Fact Of The Day Mercifully Not Related To Vinny Testaverde's Age [Mister Mittens]

The thing about this division is that there are three teams who have the feel, to us, like ones that are going to implode this year. But they can't all implode, we suppose.

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Saints, Panthers, Buccaneers, Falcons.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Buccaneers.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Panthers, Saints, Falcons, Buccaneers.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Saints, Buccaneers, Panthers, Falcons.
• Sports Illustrated: Saints, Panthers, Buccaneers, Falcons.
• DEADSPIN: Saints, Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers. No matter what happens, deep down, Mr. Mexico's problems might end up helping more than they hurt. Eventually. Long time from now.

As always, we know nothing.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

All was quiet on New Year's Day.

We Carolina Panthers fans had high hopes for another trip to the Super Bowl after a successful 2005 campaign. It was just a few bad breaks, really — little things like losing all our running backs to sudden injuries during the playoffs, or never finding a reliable second receiver beyond Steve Smith. We thought we had found the extra pieces of the puzzle that offseason. We thought we were poised for another Super Bowl run.

Little did we know the heartbreak that was to follow — an endless string of blown 4th-quarter leads, a chronic inability to convert on 3rd down, a series of play calls that even the fans in the stands could predict. It was frustration of epic proportions. Weren't our Panthers supposed to be better than this?

Remarkably, though, they were still just one or two bad plays away from the playoffs. It was just that bad in the NFC. If only they hadn't bothered with that cheeky lateral on that punt return in Minnesota. If only they could have tackled Chris Cooley and prevented that touchdown against Washington. If only they could have stopped the Bengals from converting that 35-yard bomb on 4th-and-1. If only they hadn't called the exact same sideline route that worked before on that last play against the Eagles. If one of those plays had gone the other way, Carolina might have actually played a game in January. Maybe even two.

Alas, if wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak with our Lombardi Trophies, rather than our usual vinegar-soaked plate of pulled pork and hush puppies. Perhaps it was better this way. A playoff berth might have made everyone overlook that the play-calling was atrocious and the defensive backs always seemed out of place. It wasn't until later that we found out how bad it really was. Our Panthers ran an offense so predictable, it didn't even bother to utilize a hard count. Carolina always snapped the ball on one, no matter what. Really, it was a miracle that they finished .500 at all.

We didn't know much about the new guy when he arrived. We just looked at photos of him and thought, "Holy shit! Silent Bob is running the offense!??" Then the stories started to emerge about the new scheme he was putting together. Steve Smith said it was like moving from coach to first class. DeAngelo Williams said it looked just like his old offense at Memphis — the offense in which he ran for 233 yards on 30 carries in the Motor City Bowl. Mike Minter said the defense was jumping offside a lot more in practice than last year.

Perhaps this was all Carolina really needed. After all, the defense still performed well in spite of being constantly hamstrung by an offense that couldn't keep the ball, and it remains much the same as last year, save for a secondary coach who could help put DBs in the right spots. What if the offense could convert on 3rd down once in a while? What if it could score some points? And hey, isn't it Carolina's turn to win the NFC South, now that New Orleans, Tampa Bay and Atlanta have won division titles over the last three years?

The optimism is returning to the Carolinas again, but it's a bit more cautious these days, a bit more worn after the disasters of 2004 and 2006. Williams and Smith may look poised for huge seasons, but we're not as ready as Sports Illustrated to cry Super Bowl just yet. We want to see this new offense in action before we start believing again.

If you want to relieve the sublime comedy of Keyshawn Johnson's "excitement" after learning that the Carolina Panthers drafted his "buddy" Dwayne Jarrett — thus securing his release from the team — the video above has the complete footage. It was funny at the time, but it improves considerably knowing what's going to happen three days later. Best part: Keyshawn pointing out that he advised Jarrett to stay in school, a decision that surely caused him to drop in the draft. Taking a guy's job seems like sweet revenge there.

If the Panthers won, [Charlotte mayor] McCrory posed during a lighthearted exchange, the station would pay for his cousin, who lives in the Seattle area, to fly to Charlotte and back with his wife and two sons. If the Seahawks won, [radio DJ] Levy said, McCrory would provide tickets to a Duke-North Carolina basketball game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. "We happen to know that you can do it for us," Levy said. In fact, Duke-Carolina tickets in Cameron are nearly impossible to obtain.

On Wednesday, Levy, again on the air, reminded McCrory of the wager. "You've got me hook, line and sinker," the mayor said. "How about this — can we do double or nothing?"

Of course, the radio station is causing a big fuss, because that's what radio stations do. The whole idea of mayor sports bets has always been silly to us — "we'll trade you our rampant crack epidemic for your lack of affordable public housing!" — but it's funny to see the mayor of a major American city getting in radio fights.

Did The Mayor Of Charlotte Welch On A Silly Wager? [The Fanhouse]

Athletic director Terry Holland has noticed, and points out fan discord in an email newsletter. However, he perhaps isn't helping matters.

A group has started to organize a plan to wear bags over their heads at the game on Saturday night as a way to demand the dismissal of the current coaching staff. Such action is a continuation of the mentality that has led a similar small segment to humiliate visiting fans and to curse and humiliate even our own fans and their families at our athletic events.

Yeah, see, that's not a good sign, and it probably doesn't help when you point out. When you've lost 13 in a row, you should probably just be happy to have any fans, bags-on-heads or not. But they're not protesting, Terry. They've been watching your team all year, and they're just trying to kill themselves.

We Should Not Divide Ourselves [The Pirate Beacon]

From our experience, when Jeff Garcia is making this motion, and he's about to chuck it long and downfield, something bad is about to happen. We mean, it's Jeff Garcia! The last few years, his main purpose has been to be the target of Terrell Owens' sublimated man-on-man urges.

And now, all of a sudden, on national television, he's leading a key playoff victory and looking positively Romo-esque. With the Eagles' incredibly entertaining 27-24 victory over the Carolina Panthers, Philadelphia is tied for the wild card lead and getting Philly fans, well, to feel slightly less felonious, we'll say that.

We're starting to think that Garcia might never be destroyed; it seems inevitable that he'll end up leading a Super Bowl drive at some point. The Eagles still have a rather rough schedule the rest of the way — Washington, Dallas, NY Giants and Atlanta — but hey, like any of those teams are looking like the Chargers right now.

Besides, Rocky Balboa was there, after all. Sylvester Stallone reveled in the Philadelphia love last night, even though the guy probably has been there, oh, only when he's got a Rocky movie coming out. (If you haven't seen the trailer yet, we really can't recommend it enough. it features the first training montage to include the phrase "you've got calcium deposits in your joints!" That movie's gonna rule.)

Anyway, yeah: Your NFC. We still think the Buzzsaw have a chance!

Led By Garcia, Eagles Haul In Crucial Victory [Philly.com]
Rocky Makes Appearance At Eagles' Game [The Fanhouse]
Rocky Balboa Trailer [Apple.com]

As insane as it might be to contemplate, the Philadelphia Eagles, a team that seemingly hasn't won in months, a team that is legitimately trying to figure out if they're going to start Jeff Garcia or A.J. Feeley, a team that its fans can't even muster up enough enthusiasm to hate properly ... this team, with a win tonight on "Monday Night Football" against the Carolina Panthers, can move into a tie for the final NFC wildcard slot. For all the talk about the difficulty of finding a good team in that conference, that's the best indictment we've seen yet. (Just a couple more wins, and the Buzzsaw will be back in the hunt!)

Anyway, as Eagles fans try to keep their sanity, we looked ahead to a game tonight that will indeed have a major effect on the NFC playoff picture, though clearly not in any way that's remotely close to what anybody imagined at the beginning of the year. The Panthers are as bipolar a team as you can imagine, but we kind of think that if they lose tonight, we shouldn't have to pay attention to them anymore.

The Kornheiser/Theismann/Tirico broadcast team death watch continues — things have gotten so rough that they're even letting Simmons take open shots at them now — and we are assuming whoever the celebrity guest in the booth is will be booed, and warmly.

If you're home tonight and looking for a good time, either call the number on the back of the urinal or just hang out with us throughout the game, leaving your comments, discussing recipes, taking advice for holiday gifts. The thread is now "open," so enjoy yourselves, and enjoy the game.

That said, last night's MNF game between Carolina and Tampa Bay was aggressively boring; we give credit for a yeoman's effort by ESPN to come up with a headline that said so without saying so: "Carolina gets win, but there's room for improvement." (Yes: Also, Tampa Bay lost, and there's room for regression. And footballs were thrown, but there's opportunity for them to be handed off as well.) When in doubt on what to write about following a Monday night game, we can always hit the old standby: The announcers. At The Fanhouse, The Mighty MJD contorts himself to write something some of us couldn't help but think: Joe Theismann is currently a stronger broadcaster than Tony Kornheiser. Ugh. We think we need a shower after typing that.

Carolina Wins, But There's Room For Improvement [ESPN]
The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 10 [The Fanhouse]

That said, it's still football on a weekday, and we'll always take that. The Bucs' season looks pretty much over, but the Panthers have a chance to catch up with the Saints soon and make everyone forget about yet another rough early start.

So, as always, if you're sitting around tonight with some booze and want to make some friends, or just discuss old episodes of "Las Vegas," pop in and stroll around for a bit. We don't know who the celebrity guest will be either; maybe they'll bring back Christian Slater, just for giggles. Be safe out there.

Meet Deborah Voit, a woman who was recently arrested and charged with stalking Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme. If you're wondering why she's so smitten wake Jake Delhomme, I don't think there's a reason; the woman isn't real picky about who she stalks. She's been convicted of stalking twice, and has been jailed eleven times in the past year. Seems to me like she has more in common with Chris Henry. I'm kind of surprised that their paths haven't crossed.

The woman recently got past security at the Panthers practice facility, and followed Delhomme onto the field, and handed John Fox a letter to give to Delhomme. She's called him repeatedly, visited him in his hotel room, and even called his parents.

WCNC.com has copies of an e-mail she sent to the Panthers and a hand-written letter she composed for Delhomme. Here's a snippet from the letter:

But I also know that you are the most wonderful, loving awesome man that I have ever met and I love you with all my heart. You are the best one ever for me to share my life with and I promise you that I am the best one and the right one for you to share your life with and I will be everything you could ask for and more as your companion, lover, best friend, helpmate + confidant as your wife and I will be the love of your life and make life so wonderful for you + you'll never regret it ever."

Mother of woman accused of stalking Jake Delhomme speaks out [WCNC.com]
Hand written letter to Jake Delhomme (.pdf) [WCNC.com]
Read e-mail sent to Panthers (.pdf) [WCNC.com]

Hardly anyone found it funny, least of all Catman, whose actual car — an Econoline van — had more than 150,000 miles on it. Many of those were recorded traveling to his weekday volunteer job, counseling troubled youth.. The public outcry at the hoax forced Fox's hand, and they ended up giving Catman a brand new Ford F-150 pickup on Sunday. Said Fox Sports Chairman and CEO David Hill, who flew in to hand Good the keys:

We've had extensive conversation with all of the Fox announcers involved, and they've agreed that what they'll do from now on is talk about football. They will leave the comedy to the comedians.

Has anyone told Bradshaw?

Catman Gets His Truck [Charlotte Observer]
Fox Sports Car Giveaway Joke On Panthers Fan Was Cruel And "Lame" [Rammer Jammer Yewllow Hammer]
Fox's Joke On Fan Just Plain Mean [Charlotte Observer]

Well, no matter what happens with the NFC South, we will always know they have the most adventurous cheerleaders. Nothing to turn up one's nose at.

• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans.
• Peter King, Sports Illustrated: Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans.
• Paul Zimmerman, Sports Illustrated: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans.
• Bill Simmons, ESPN: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans.
• Aaron Schatz, FootballOutsiders and Fox Sports: Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans.
• AJ Daulerio, Deadspin Cultural Oddsmaker: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today Sports Weekly: Tampa Bay, Carolina, Atlanta, New Orleans.
• Michael David Smith, Football Outsiders: Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New Orleans.
• Deadspin: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans. No, no, really, this is the year Ron Mexico steps up. Totally.

Who's got the fever for the flavor of prognostication? Go for it! Over the top!

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Carolina Panthers. Your author is Dave Warner.

Dave Warner is the man behind Dave's Football Blog and a longtime resident of Durham, N.C. He also writes about the Carolina Panthers for AOL's new NFL Fanhouse. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Pro sports imitates life in North Carolina.

The Carolina Panthers were born here. Sure, every adult football fan who lives here has another team they've been rooting for since childhood, but those of us who were here in the Tar Heel State when this franchise was born have been with them from the start. It was a sign that our state deserved to be up there with the New Yorks and Chicagos and Dallases of the world. North Carolina is important enough to have an NFL franchise. That means something.

But the Panthers should have been first. If not for Adam Vinatieri's golden leg, the Panthers just might have been the first pro sports team in North Carolina to win a major league championship — the first team that didn't utilize a Chevrolet, anyway. The local boys came so close to making good.

But they weren't first. No. Those ice-skating upstarts in Raleigh were first. They aren't even native to North Carolina. They're just another bunch of northern interlopers who got tired of cold winters and decided the South was the place to be. So just like millions before them, they just showed up and moved in and acted like they've been here all along. Sure, the locals showed them plenty of Southern hospitality, but deep down inside, those locals never really felt quite at ease with them.

Now they skate around with that Canadian trophy of theirs while the native-born North Carolinians — especially those in Charlotte — try their best to downplay the accomplishment and convince everyone that their game isn't really our game and their team isn't as important as our born-and-bred local team. Of course, they only think that because the local team didn't win the first trophy.

It's time to even the score now. Dual allegorical battles will play out on the field during every Carolina Panthers game this year — natives vs. interlopers, capital city vs. queen city. Whether they want to admit it or not, all of Charlotte watched the team formerly known as "The Whale" show off that shiny silver cup, and now this city wants a shiny trophy of its own. Indeed, it demands that trophy, not just for the city, but for the sake of everyone who was born here, because the Carolina Panthers were born here, and they should be our champions.

And you know what? The Panthers could probably do it. Have you seen that defensive line? Ma'ake Kemoeatu is launching centers backwards as if he had Street Fighter II power moves, while Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker are out-hustling everyone in their path. Have you seen the receiving corps? Steve Smith is the ultimate killer YACrabbit — just ask the Chicago Bears — and Keyshawn Johnson isn't just giving Jake Delhomme one more target, but three, as Drew Carter and Keary Colbert look a lot better than they did before Keyshawn came to town. Have you seen the secondary? Ken Lucas and Chris Gamble may score more TDs this year than the Jets' offense. Have you seen the special teams? DeAngelo Williams is fast. YACrabbit fast.

Sure, the schedule is a beast, and the offensive line hasn't exactly gelled yet. It doesn't matter now. This team has a greater mission now than they did before the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It must win a championship for both the queen city and for every native North Carolinian that ever dreamed big. Those are big weights for anyone's shoulders, but you can put the weight right on the Carolina Panthers. They can carry it. That's why they're better than your team.

Presenting the next member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

The Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders. Final tally: 76.9 percent.

All inauguration speeches are encouraged. Obviously, many more to come.

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

Not quite. The details poured in as the days went on, with more pictures surfacing, full police reports, promotions at the infamous Banana Joe's, fierce (and LYING!) denials and, finally, a plea bargain.

The "they can't make money off this" provision in the final sentencing assures that the theoretical Penthouse pictorials will never become a reality, but there's little chance that a story involving two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders having sex with each other in the bathroom of a Tampa bar will fade from the public consciousness anytime soon.

But is it a Hall of Famer? Remember, 75 percent is the threshold. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Tuesday.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

• Three of the starting five members of the Panthers Super Bowl offensive line were apparently prescribed "disturbing" amounts of steroids and HGH.
• The majority of the players reported considerable physical side effects, including loss of hair, shrunken testicles and all kinds of nipple issues. (Really.)
• Two players, including Todd Stussie, who's still in the NFL, received shipments of steroids within a week of the Super Bowl loss to the Patriots.

You see, now that's kind of amazing. For all the hollerin' and screamin' involving steroids in baseball, this is a confirmed report of players taking steroids directly before the Super Bowl. Imagine if we found out that Barry Bonds injected testosterone into his skull an hour before a World Series game with the Angels? People would flip out, right? Wouldn't they? Maybe?

On File: Steroids' Risks, Ravages [Charlotte Observer]

Well, now the story can be told: A source close to the investigation tells us that our humble little site was dangerously close to being mentioned in official court documents. Witness.

So when the State began to prepare for trial, they searched for old internet articles relating to the arrest. The Defendant was charged with using a false ID, and the result of that use having ill effects on a third party. When the blonde got arrested and used her friend's ID, that friend's name was dragged through the mud on numerous blogs and newspaper articles, until the Defendant's real name came out. One of the articles that were prepared and marked as exhibits for trial? Deadspin's initial reporting of the incident, which linked to the newspaper articles that gave out the fake name given by the Defendant. Unfortunately, the Monday of Jury Selection, Miss Thomas chose to take the deal first offered by the bosses, which she initially refused, because she didn't like the "You can't make money off this" clause.

So, now that they've both pled out, and Miss Thomas is doing her Pre-Trial Intervention program, it's safe to let the cat out of the bag: Deadspin almost got mentioned in a criminal proceeding.

We can't think of anything that would have made our father more proud of us.

The Whole System Is Out Of Order [Deadspin]

We received this photo of former-UCLA, now-Jacksonville running back Maurice Drew a while back, and we decided not to run it, mainly because it's hard to blame a guy when someone decides to take a picture of a guy holding a blunt next to him while sleeping. Besides, that fellow looks like a really fun guy, the type of guy who makes you feel like everything's gonna be OK, yeah, just fine, thumbs up!

But now that we've learned that Drew was somewhat involved in that Ricky Manning Beat-Up-The-Guy-With-The-Laptop incident, hey, all bets are off.

To paraphrase Peter Venkman, nobody steps on a nerd with a laptop in our town!

Ricky Manning Will Bludgeon You, You Freaking Nerd [Deadspin]
Manning Formally Charged In LA [Chicago Tribune]

With a whispered plea, a gobbledygook of legalese and a year's probation, the saga of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders has come to a close. Renee Thomas, the blond cheerleader charged with punching a woman in the face, will serve 12 months on probation, pay $400 in restitution, serve 50 hours of community service and — and here, friends, is the rub — had to agree not to "have any monetary gain from this case."

So put away those dreams of the Maxim or Playboy spread. What happened in that bathroom, sadly, mournfully, will stay in that bathroom. We'll always have Banana Joe's.

Anger Management, Community Service For Former Panthers Cheerleader [Tampa Bays 10] (with VIDEO!)

The brilliant minds at The Smoking Gun, fresh off their destruction of James Frey, have gotten a hold of the police reports documenting witness accounts of Carolina Panthers cheerleaders Angela Keathley and Renee Thomas having their way with each other in a Tampa nightclub bathroom. It's, um, a rather detailed report. A highlight, from victim Melissa Holden's testimony:

Holden said that defendent Keathley was standing on the toilet and her head was above the stall. Holden further stated that defendant [Thomas'] feet were facing inward toward Keathley's body. Holden stated that Keathley was making facial expressions and noises that were consistent with that of a person engaged in sexual activity.

The Penthouse Letters-esque report is corroborated by two other witnesses and is easily printed out for your own bathroom escapades.

In The Stall With Those Cheerleaders [The Smoking Gun]

• Seattle's driving. Carolina just picked up a 15-yard personal foul. Mark Wahlberg, Handsome Rob, and Mos Def are hot on the trail of Steve and all those gold bricks, too.

• Touchdown again for Shaun Alexander. It's 34-7. Julius Peppers is sitting on the bench looking like he just spent the last half hour sniffing glue.

• A team can't really dominate any more than Seattle did today. The Seahawk offensive line had their way. Matt Hasselbeck was brilliant. Shaun Alexander had a huge day. Defensively, they didn't let Carolina do anything. The one TD they gave up came on a punt return on which there appeared to be blatant cheating.

• You know how people said that the two best teams in the NFL were knocked out of the playoffs last week (Peter King)? Those people were really really wrong. It's hard to imagine any two teams being more dominant than Pittsburgh and Seattle were today. These are your two best teams, and it should be a hell of a Super Bowl.

• Drew Carter scores a mercy touchdown for Carolina. 47-yarder. Yaaaawn.

• Steve Smith gives up a fumble, and I think that's it... unless Joe Buck wants to extend the broadcast a few more hours to talk about the Gatorade shower that never happened. Your Super Bowl XL is set, and you'll have two weeks to prepare for it. I don't know what the hell we're going to do here next Sunday. Hope you like Arena Football.

• Carolina can't even punt today. After another quick "drive," they just got off a 26-yarder. Jason Baker's punted five times with a 37.6 yard average.

• I'm searching for any reason to believe that this will become a football game, but Carolina's giving me nothing. I feel like I'm staring at a corpse.

• Jake Delhomme's quarterback rating is roughly equal to Glorida James blood alcohol level. 1.6. Ouch.

• Hey, a gain of 19 for Carolina. Congratulations, Panthers!

• And the drive ends with another Jake Delhomme interception. That's his 3rd of the day, and every single one of them has been a terrible throw. Credit Seattle for their coverage and pressure, but some of these throws have been positively baffling. Jake Delhomme is the last QB I would have expected to perform like this today.

• 27-7 is how we're going to the 4th quarter. Feel free to start discussing the Pittsburgh/Seattle matchup.

• Man, Nick Goings looks like Red after he asked Deebo for his bike back.

• The Seahawks are all over Steve Smith. They're (at least) double covering him down the field, and they're all over that little bubble screen that they like to run, too. You've got to figure something else out, Jake Delhomme and John Fox.

• Uh-oh. Steve Smith bitching at the offensive coordinator. Of course, he seems to play better pissed off, so who knows if that's a good thing for Seattle or not.

• Evidently not. Steve Smith just housed a punt return. There was a flag down, but ultimately, Eddie "Pipes" Hochuli determined that there was no penalty, and none of those other officials are going to argue with him. I don't know what Eddie Pipes was thinking there, but there certainly appeared to be at least a slight block in the back. Anyway, there is life in the game. 17-7.

• Seattle responds with a long drive that culminates in a field goal. It's 20-7 Seattle, and after another quick Carolina punt, Seattle's going to get another crack at it.

• Josh Brown misses a long field goal just before the half, and 20-7 is how it ends. Really, it could/should be a lot worse. Seattle has dominated in every phase, and Matt Hasselbeck has been brilliant. Carolina is going to require major adjustments. I think they should try gaining positive offensive yards.

• Carolina opens with a quick three-and-out. Seattle takes possession, and moves the ball quite well, until stalling at midfield when they can't pick up a yard on two consecutive runs. First time all year that Shaun Alexander's been stopped on a 3rd-and-1.

• After Seneca Wallace comes in and makes a grab, Matt Hasselbeck finds Jerramy Stevens wide open over the midddle. 7-0 Seahawks. A third consecutive three-and-out for Carolina would be disastrous. Oh, and Seneca Wallace has really nice cornrows.

• If another three-and-out would've been disastrous, then that interception was positively catastrophic. Not a good day for guys named Jake. Somewhere, Jake Gyllenhall is probably striking out in a gay cowboy bar. Seattle turns the interception into 3 more points. 10-0.

• Total yards: Seattle 111, Carolina 6.

• Another interception, another brutal throw from Jake Delhomme. There can be no explanation for a throw that bad. It looked like Delhomme looked to the sidelines halfway through his throwing motion. The rare no-look pass from the quarterback. Impressive.

• 10-0 Seattle, but it's about to get worse.

A roundup of prominent picks on the Web:

• Bill Simmons: Panthers.
• Cool Standings: Panthers.
• Daily Quickie: Panthers.
• Harmon Forecast: Seahawks.
• Peter King: Panthers.
• Paul Zimmerman: Panthers.
• DEADSPIN PICK: Seahawks. It's like everyone forgot how good they were all year. They, like, won a lot in a row, you know.

(Let us know your picks and rationales in the comments section ... if you can hang, wussy.)

Anyway, Angela — the "troublemaker" — pleaded out yesterday in regards to the charges filed back in November; she will receive six months probation, do 32 hours of community service and write a letter of apology to Tampa police, a letter we sincerely hope begins, Penthouse Letters-style, with, "Dear Tampa Police: I never thought something like this would happen to me, but ..."

Keathley and Thomas continue their blasted, wretched lies that there was, in fact, no sex in the bathroom, and are actually filing suit against Melissa Holden, the woman they punched, for saying there had been. We'd like to personally volunteer for the jury; we would like to hear Ms. Holden's testimony firsthand. Slowly, please, so the court reporter can get it all down.

Is it possible to ever get tired of this story? Probably not.

Ex-TopCat Accepts Probation, Service [Charlotte Observer]
Wrapping Up The Lesbian Cheerleaders Story [Deadspin]

• They don't get that stop, but John Kasay was courteous enough to doink the extra point off the goalpost, leaving the Bears in the game. 29-21 Carolina... still just a one-score game.

• Here we go. Down 8, with 5:13 to play, Rex Grossman has 84 yards to cover. Two hours ago, I'd never have said it, but Rex Grossman is perfectly capable of making this happen.

• And there's the interception. I kinda had a feeling that was going to happen. I know I've spent a good portion of the afternoon sounding like Rex Grossman's girlfriend, but it's because of him that this game was competitive at all. Let's send him flowers.

• Nice pick-up by Joe Buck (and I believe this is the first time I've ever complimented him) to notice that the play clock ran out before Grossman tossed that interception. That's a tough break.

• The Bears will get one more shot from about their own 20, with 1:36 to play.

• Incomplete on 4th and 1, and this one's over. And after a day of football that lived up even to the Don Cheadle commercial hype, your final four is set: Pittsburgh @ Denver, and Carolina @ Seattle. All four teams are worthy, and all four are good enough to have a legitimate shot at winning the whole enchilada.

• Rex Grossman is not just competent, Rex Grossman is a STUD. The Bears come out like a real NFL team that has an offense and everything, and Rex Grossman hits Desmond Clark for a TD to make it 16-4. Today appears to be all about major momentum swings.

• DeShaun Foster has his right ankle crunched, and it doesn't look good. Dude is in pain. Bad news for the Panthers.

• Since that 3-of-15 that I noted, Rex Grossman is 8-of-10. It's like he turned into Teen Wolf or something.

• But Steve Smith asserts once again that he is the best offensive player in this game. The corner, Chris Thompson, fell down, leaving Smith wide open for the TD. It's 23-14 Carolina, and Steve Smith boosts his numbers to 11 catches for 215 yards and 2 TDs. Steve Smith is just straight nasty.

• That's how we're taking it to the 4th quarter. It's 23-14 Carolina, but Rex Grossman continues to be Joe Montana.

• Fox finds a close-up of a Carolina defender kicking dirt onto the hands of the long snapper before the he hikes it back to the punter. As a renowned cheater, I like that. That's exactly the kind of thing I would do.

• Total yards: Carolina 194, Bears 33.

• Oooh, there's a sweet interception by Brian Urlacher. That's just a smart, athletic, play, and had the Panthers gone in there to make it 17-0, it might've have become nap time for MJD.

• Maybe it's just me, but it seems obvious which of these teams has the postseason experience. Carolina's offense is finding ways to succeed against the Bears D, while Rex Grossman looks like a nun who just stumbled into an orgy at Fred Smoot's house and is completely overwhelmed by what's going on around her.

• Grossman: 3-of-15 for 2 yards.

• And just as I say that, Rex Grossman completes 5 straight to get the bears a 4th-and-goal inside the one, which Adrian Peterson punches in for the score. 13-7 Panthers, and we now have a football game. Rex Grossman was 5-of-6 for 62 yards on the drive.

• On the final drive before the half, Peanut Tillman gets away with blatant pass interference that would've put Carolina at the 1. John Kasay did come in to polish off the half with his 3rd field goal of the day, and 16-7 is your halftime score.