1. They guaranteed Jake Delhomme $20 million. Even worse, Delhomme's massive contract extension all but ensures he'll remain with the team for three more years at the minimum. That's a terrifying prospect given just how truly, spectacularly awful he was against Arizona in the playoffs in January. Everyone has bad games, true. But this was more than that. Delhomme's performance that night was a flaming shitwreck so profound in its ineptness that a mere nine-month break will do little to wash away its searing memory. It was a defining masterpiece of shittiness. From now until the day he hangs up his cleats, every football fan watching Jake Delhomme play quarterback will do so with the same measure of trepidation a mafia witness has while turning a car key. Oh sure, maybe he'll have the occasional 300 yard game this season, and maybe the Panthers will win 11 games again and win the division. But that will do little to ease the skepticism, to dull the anticipation most fans of have seeing Delhomme inevitably crumble once more. It's like waiting for Britney to get fat again. It's a fait accompli. Everything between now and that moment is just window dressing, for when the real Delhomme comes back out, throwing passes to areas where there are no teammates, and giving us the unforgettable gifs we crave so very much.

2. John Fox used to be a good coach. Let's revisit that Arizona disaster one more time. On the game's first drive, the Panthers scored a touchdown. The drive encompassed 50 yards, 41 of which were compiled on the ground, on three carries. After this drive ended and the Panthers had a 7-0 lead, they ran the ball three consecutive times with DeAngelo Williams on their next possession and were forced to punt. After these two first drives, the Panthers had a rushing average of 8.2 yards a carry, which is pretty fucking solid. They would go on to run the ball a grand total of nine more times the entire game. Nine times?

Niiine times.

Which brings me to my next point…

3. They fucked DeAngelo Williams, and they fucked you. DeAngelo Williams, who was unstoppable by the end of the regular season last year, ran the ball 12 times against Arizona that night. It fits a pattern where the Panthers have steadfastly refused to use Williams properly in key moments, most notably the entire years of 2006 and 2007. The number of fantasy football owners dicked over by the Panthers in that time is gargantuan. Everyone knew he had potential, yet there he was, stuck behind DeShaun Foster. What kinda blowjob does DeShaun Foster give? It got to the point where most fantasy owners gave up on Williams, which means that the people who benefited from Williams' astonishing season in 2008 were lucky fucksticks who happened to take a flyer on him. LOOKING AT YOU, DAN STEINBERG. Speaking of Jews…

4. They cut Goldberg! It's true. Former WCW superstar Bill Goldberg was the first player ever cut by the Panthers. How dare you, Carolina. This man started his wrestling career 108-0. The fact that the entire streak was scripted only makes it MORE impressive, you pricks! NEW BABYFACES NEVER GET THAT KIND OF MAJOR PUSH!

5. The least they could do is find another decent receiver to complement Steve Smith. We don't want that fella punching any more babies.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Yesterday, the Charlotte Observer observed that Wachovia Bank is suing Muhammad for the $24,603.24 that he and his brother Abdullah Muhammad (PBUH) racked up on a Business Rewards Visa card issued by the bank to the Muhammads' business, Baylo Entertainment.

It should be noted that Wachovia went tits-up and was acquired by Wells Fargo last year in the first wave of Financiapocalypse-related bank failures. Coincidence? Hardly. How do you like them apples, Muhammad? You're responsible for the failure of the fourth-largest bank in the United States. Now cut that check.

[Charlotte Observer]

Here's Fort Mill, S.C. housewife and Carolina Panthers fan Julie Maloney with an unidentified friend (Julie's on the bar), the inventor of No-Pants Sunday. About three years ago, Julie discovered that, whenever she watched a Panthers game on television while not wearing pants, the Panthers won. This never failed. So earlier this season she started a web site, Eye of the Panther, and urged others to go "pants off for the Panthers." And it caught on.

"I'm from upstate New York, but became a Panthers fan because of my husband," Julie told the Charlotte Observer recently. "The staples of a football game in our house. Without getting into too much detail, one thing led to another. And then we started to notice that the days I was without pants, Carolina would win. That year, we went to the Super Bowl. The night of the big game I wore jeans because my friend watched the game with us. Carolina lost."

And when she says no pants, she means it; Julie goes commando. From her web site, an entry dated Dec. 15:

When the game was just about over I said, 'You watch, we're about to get another touchdown' and seconds later we did. It was reminiscent of our glory days. We had beer. We ate chips and salsa. We did not wear pants. This week, Delhomme was BACK! He and Smith were on fire. I'd like to formally go on record saying No Pants Sunday is NOT an easy job. I'm in Upstate NY visiting family, which is why I've been MIA for the past 2 days. Flying alone with a toddler and a baby is EXHAUSTING.

The only games the Panthers had lost in the past two years are ones in which Julie either forgot to take her pants off, or didn't watch the game at all.

"Obviously I can't go to the stadium to see a game," she said. "We have a home theater, the walls are blacked out, and we just watch the game by ourselves."

This past Sunday, the pants came off. But somehow, Kurt Warner and company prevailed (did Julie somehow not go pantsless? Does anyone have answers??). Anyway, she has not been heard from since Carolina's 33-13 loss in Glendale.

And today a lonely pair of pants flies at half-staff in front of the Maloney home.

No-Pants Sunday [Eye Of The Panther]

• Donovan McNabb Starring In Mr. Telephone Man. First I have to give credit to Troy Aikman for the line of the year so far: "Sometimes I don't know what is running through that guy's head." Secondly if you saw the broadcast you know Joe Buck made about 78 excuses for McNabb's actions before realizing that it was classless. This is the same Joe Buck who went ballistic on Randy Moss for a fake mooning and is critical of Terrell Owens for sneezing incorrectly, but when it is one of his "guys" then it was the "pressure". He is lucky this is a PG site or I would have some stronger language about what I think about that. [Black Sports Online]

• Answer The Call Or Get Out. The NFL playoffs is a dangerous world where everything is on the line and careers are made or broken. Fans are left to wonder, "when the tough decisions have to be made, will my team captain step up and answer the call?" [FanDome]

• That Was Painful. This is one of those times when you are reminded that loving a sports team can be a steaming pile of baby diapers just like all other aspects of life. It was nice to watch the GMen when they were a red giant with an 11-1 record, mowing down six teams with a winning record in a row. It's not as nice to watch them dwindle into a white dwarf in a game against a team who benched their starting QB during the season and had to hit a hot streak and got fairly lucky just to sneak into the playoffs. [Fack Youk]

• This Year's NFC Championship Vs. 2007 NLCS. But because Arizona and Kurt Warner also won on Saturday, I was saddened that next week we would be left with quite possibly the worst conference championship matchup ever. The Cardinals and Eagles are shitty and mediocre on every level — both historically and this season. Neither has ever won a Super Bowl. Both only won 9 regular season games — fourteen other NFL teams won as many or more. (And the 8-8 last place Redskins were 3-0 against them this year.) [Bugs and Cranks]

• Your Tears Are The Sweetest Of Nectars. The Giants, oh, sweet, sweet, Giants. They have provided me with so much delicious pain. So irrational. So illogical. So, so beautiful. Join me, won't you, as we traipse through the mental and emotional collapse of a fanbase. (All misspellings, curious grammatical innovations and general stupidity original.) [Five Tool Tool]

• Arm Punt Formations: The Del Homie. Episode 9 of Arm Punt Formations starring the "Gunslinger" with Guest Star "The Del Homie". [Simon On Sports]

• Why The Panthers Sucked Last Night. I think it's about time we start finding a replacement for Jake Delhomme. I know he is the emotional leader of this offense. Wears his heart on his shoulder and all of that. But that wasn't a leader I saw last night, I saw was a disaster. Use this moment as an opportunity to take him out and put in someone just as good. [Cat Scratch Reader]

• Eagles Beat Giants 23-11, Advance To NFC Title Game. The can be no doubt about the two defining moments of this game for me. Two times in the 4th quarter the Giants had 4th down and less than one and both times the Eagles defense didn't give up an inch. Those are the kinds of defensive stands that legends are made of. For my money, they belong with "4th and 26" as some of the great moments in Eagles playoff history. 4th & 1 x 2? [Bleeding Green Nation]

• That Sick Feeling Just Got A Lot Worse. Our team was busy saying, “Go ahead, Cardinals, it’s yours. Here’s an interception. Oh, and here’s a fumble. Wait! Here’s another.” If they don’t do that and actually show up in that game, the line is around the block for tickets to the NFC Championship Game in Charlotte on Monday. Seriously, keep the bathroom clear. I’m going to be sick. [Cat Crave]

• Sunday (Very) Quickie: Cardinals! Meanwhile, coaches HAVE to be able to challenge whether the play clock ran out before an opposing team got their play off — I love that rookie Joe Flacco won his 2nd straight playoff road game, but it is completely ridiculous that a missed call was the difference. [Dan Shanoff]

• Surreal. Tickets for the biggest game in Cards’ history sold out in six minutes. There will be some Eagles fans there, I’m sure, but after watching the Wild Card game, I can barely imagine what the atmosphere will be like Sunday. A possible Super Bowl for the Cardinals? Seriously, can you even put that concept into words right now? [Gila River]

In fact, home teams are 2-4 in this year's playoffs. On the other hand, weather has not yet been the factor it will be today. And home field or no home field ... six turnovers for Jake Delhomme? That's more than five! Even worse, this totally obvious YouTube video was not made with yakkity sax. It's so unprofessional. It's almost like none of these people have ever worked on TV before.)

And yes, it was delay of game on Joe Flacco, but it was 3rd-and-2 and the play went for 23 yards. It's kinda hard to claim that a flag would have won Tennessee the game at that point. Plus ... Joe Freakin' Flacco! A rookie, 2-0, on the road. Deal with it!

Apologetic Delhomme looked like raw rookie [Arizona Republic]
On football: One-and-done will linger after Titans ' choke [USA Today]
Playoff hopes blown when whistle wasn't [Tennessean]

* * * * *

I'm heading out shortly for what I'm told is a wi-fi enabled bar, that I'm told will be overrun by hyper, possibly inebriated Giants fans. (I won't tell you where it is, because I'm afraid of you people.) I have no horse in this race, but I will venture into the belly of the playoff beast and attempt to bring you tales of local fan excitement. I'm like that Survivorman guy, as long as I don't have to brew my own beer out of tree bark.

There was no potential for embarrassment, no striking out with the bases loaded, no missing the game-winning jump shot. Parents don't need to worry about their children being humiliated in front of everyone.

That's how I felt going into tonight's Buzzsaw matchup in Carolina. I wanted them to win, but, mostly, I didn't want to see my beloved team smeared across the field for all to see. I've been watching them too long, through all the devastation, the endless succession of seasons that meant nothing by the middle of October. I didn't want to watch them abased on national television. I just wanted them to come out alive, not in the corner of the field, crying, blubbering, wetting themselves.

Well, turns out, watching tonight's game was like seeing your kid suddenly grow wings and shoot fireballs out of his nose. I, like everybody else (including, it seems, the Buzzsaw players themselves), am utterly flabbergasted by what just happened. I can't explain it either. But I am not going to question it. I am just going to glide along, still a little worried about them, but more confident than ever that, you know, what, this kid might turn out all right after all.

The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals are playing in the NFC Championship Game. Read that sentence again. Heavens to Murgatroyd. They should have sent a poet.

And if Philadelphia wins tomorrow ... this site should be rather interesting over the next week.

Even though the Buzzsaw are apparently changing hearts, saving lives, they still have no shot according to most prognosticators. But what if the Arizona Cardinals do miraculously make their way to the NFC Championship game? If that happens, well, expect an Emeritus explosion all over the internet.

• "The Cardinals played well on defense while beating the Falcons in a first-round playoff game last weekend, highlighted by CB Antrel Rolle's fumble return for a touchdown. But Arizona ranked only 19th in the NFL in total defense during the regular season. That was only one spot behind the Panthers, however. . . . Carolina surrendered 381 passing yards to Warner when the Panthers beat the Cardinals in Week 8 of the regular season, but limited Arizona to 50 rushing yards, with only 20 of them from running backs." [WaPo]

•"I couldn't help but start this thread a little early as game day has finally arrived yet we still have to wait ALL DAY. For me tonights game is about making a statement that the Panthers are truly one of the best four teams in the NFL. If they win tonight then the rest is all gravy." [Cat Scratch Reader]

• "I’ve chronicled my thoughts this week about how the Cardinals continue to not gain any respect throughout the country. I won’t say much more on that subject. However, the only way the Cardinals are going to be able to erase doubters is to go and win. Playing them close will quiet some, but it won’t be enough. Now the Cardinals may come out and play their best and that won’t be enough either to win this game. Time will tell." [Raising Zona]

• "Stewart likes the “Double Trouble” moniker, though, because it treats the two as equals. “It's more focused on unity than anything,” Stewart said. “Whether DeAngelo or me is in, the defense has trouble on its hands.” [Charlotte Observer]

• "Few beyond the team, its rabid fans, lovers of the red crested finch and Vatican-philes expect this team to win. The skepticism is well founded but history has demonstrated Dewey doesn't always beat Truman and predictions mean zilch when the unexpected interferes. An inspired defense, a nervous kicker or a surprising weather pattern can change everything." [Arizona Republic]

• "Many experts think that this matchup will turn into a lopsided affair in Carolina's favor, but the game will be much closer than anticipated. The Panthers had a tough time slowing the Cardinals down during the first meeting, and Whisenhunt may opt to use the no-huddle earlier to get his team into a flow early. However, the Panthers' defense will eventually force Warner into costly mistakes, and the power running game will eventually wear down the Cardinals in the second half. Look for the Panthers to pull away late. Panthers win 31-21." [SI]

PHOTO: Jay2theJay

• Limited Seating Remaining On The Eagles Bandwagon. All the attention comes at a cost though. Rather suddenly, we're all idiots and Reid is a genius. According to Rich Hofmann, the offense never needed any balance after all (I'm not even going to touch that), and if you listen to Bill Conlin, crow is what's for dinner in Philadelphia. Then there are the national pundits who remind us at every turn that you booed Donovan on draft day. You're a jerk. [The 700 Level]

• Eww, Kitty Has Claws. Now I’m not going to take anything away from the Cardinals. They’re a team with an exceptional offense. It’s just one-dimensional. They don’t have a running game. They’re a playoff team and they have the worst rushing offense in the NFL. [Cat Scratch Reader]

• My Sock Is Wet With Another Man's Piss. Got to give kudos to HBO's The Life And Times of Tim for this episode, produced months before we knew that the Eagles and Giants would be meeting in the playoffs; and at the Meadowlands, no less. Nice to see a departure from the usual, cliched Eagles-fans-as-louts theme. Poor Tim. (language NSFW).

• Wither Westbrook? Brian Westbrook uses "sprained ankle" as an excuse to sit out Wednesday's practice. But he's expected to play. [NBCSports]

• They Do Chicken Right. Kentucky Fried Chicken and the Arizona Cardinals team up for their "Wing It" promotion. If an Arizona quarterback tcompetes a Hail Mary pass on the final play of the game, KFC will donate $125,000 to charity. This is in no way a stupid idea. [Raising Zona]

• Temco-izing The '09 Playoffs: Divisional Round. Yes, I realize Plaxico Burress is playing here... But it's such a thrilling game that it doesn't matter! [Armchair GM]

• So No Reason To Watch The Game Then, I Guess. Daily News columnist guarantees Giants victory. Surely its not hyperbole! [New York Daily News]

• Warner Under Appreciated, Giants In Peril. With all due respect to Peyton Manning, the NFL’s MVP for the 2008 season was the Arizona Cardinals’ quarterback Kurt Warner. [New York Observer]

On Young's weekly segment on KNBR-680 (San Francisco) radio on Wednesday, host Ralph Barbieri wasted little time getting to the details.

RB: Hey listen; what happened at the beginning of the post-game thing? I saw a cup come flying in to my picture and landed right in front of you.

SY: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

RB: You handled it with aplomb.

SY: Someone threw a plastic cup. It hit ... it was a pretty good shot, actually.

RB: It hit right in front of you.

SY: Yeah, it was a perfect shot. You know, you'd think that would happen in Philly or Cleveland, you don't expect that in Charlotte.

RB: Do the producers, the powers that be at ESPN, do they apparently want that raucous crowd right up close there?

SY: Yeah, they do it for the shot. So they have fifteen people going crazy, so it looks like, 'wow, there's a lot of excitement going on there.'

Young went on to extol the virtues of Steve Smith:

"He's such a special athlete. If I see them throw him another hitch pass out of bounds I'm going to go crazy. I pray the Panthers will find a way to get him the ball in space so that he can make 11 guys miss."

Clueless Charlotte fans. Of all the ERSPN commentators you can pelt with plastic goblets, you pick Steve Young? He's one of the good guys. Go after Berman.

The Steve Young Show [KNBR-680]

I'm not 100% positive, but it sounds like Mike Tirico might have jizzed in his pants after this.

Video courtesy of Fandome.

Don't be upset, Emmitt Smith! They'll get you next time!

Yet, here he is, once again, shirtless and scowling, trying to keep the Bucs atop the NFC Winter Vacation division. But to do so, he'll have to get past the Carolina Panthers and their frisky defense and suddenly unstoppable DeAngelo Williams. This will be one of the better MNF games of the year, as you have two first place teams, division rivals, all sorts of playoff implications and, of course, Jeff Garcia's wily quarterbacking skills.

******

TONIGHT: Bucs/Panthers on Monday Night Football.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Please support Kissing Suzy Kolber and their noble, angry cause.

It's two days later, and all of North Carolina is still in a lather over this Packers fan, who took exception to the Panthers' DeAngelo Williams tossing his touchdown footballs to Carolina fans in the front row of the end zone stands at Lambeau. This one was completed, but the next one was successfully batted back onto the playing field by the gloved vigilante (see video below). This made him, as WTMJ-Radio put it, responsible for "the only defensive play made against the Panthers all day."

Photo: Mike Roemer, Associated Press

Caption Contest Dec. 1 [Sports Bubbler]

Today: The Carolina Panthers. Your authors are The Sports Brethren

The SportsBrethren are Smokey and Mickey Cloud. They were bred in captivity in Charlotte, NC then released into the wild, where they now stalk the savannahs (savannahi?) of Manhattan and Hollywood. iChat keeps them close, football keeps them closer...

Mickey:

Week 17, last season. The Carolina Panthers were 6-9, playing the playoff-bound Tampa Bay Bucs on the road, and I desperately wanted—nay—needed a victory. You may ask yourself, 'Why go through the trouble of getting emotional enough to care about your team eeking out a meaningless win and limping to the finish line at 7-9?' Because in the John Fox/Marty Hurney Era, 7-9 means the Carolina Panthers are kicking some serious ass, come next year. Heading into their 14th season of existence, the Carolina Panthers have finished 7-9 six times — and thrice under the current regime (including last season's campaign). The South's always prided itself on consistent mediocrity. What happened the first two times under Fox/Hurney? Two 11-5 seasons: a Super Bowl run and a NFC Conference Championship game appearance. Boom, bitches. Welcome to the 2008 NFL Season, the year the Carolina Panthers unleash holy terror on the NFL. I'd bet the better half of a bucket of Bojangles the Carolina Panthers are cooking up an awesome, smash-mouth, down-and-dirty 2008 campaign. Let's take a look at the key cooks in the kitchen:

The Fiery Cajun Jake Delhomme: The passionate Panthers leader. The undrafted success story. The original Cardiac Cat. The Defender of the Fresh Biscuit. Last year showed that the Panthers without Jake can't make it to that next level. He's 32 now, claiming his arm and elbow have never felt better. He'll still take chances, throw the ball high and off his back foot, but everyone knows he's in charge, that he believes, and that he's the guy we want out there when the game's on the line.

The revamped offensive line: Fox and Hurney are banking on the "Bigger is Better" theory here. All 5 positions have new starters — and with the exception of awesome young center Ryan Kalil — all are massive, 330+ lb. men. What we in the South like to call "biiig boayhs"— or "Kiges" — and I'm down with that.

RBs DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart: These two aren't your typical "Thunder/Lightning" combination, because to define them like that would pigeonhole them. In camp, Fox has had Stewart returning kick-offs and Williams cutting back up the middle. You need a dynamic duo of workhorses in this NFL — and with the sheer size and agility of Stewart plus the explosiveness and awesome mustache of Williams, the Panthers running game should be sufficiently badass.

Steve Smith and Co.: Last year that "and Co." was Drew Carter and Keary Colbert & we're not entirely sure Stephen Colbert would've done worse. This year we've got Muhsin Muhammad back, added red-zone specialist DJ Hackett, and turned Dwayne Jarrett over to Moose to straighten him out. This squad has the potential to be saddled with some terrible nickname like "The Flyboys".

Which brings us to Steve Smith, the incredibly talented, yet mercurial Panthers star. The thing that I love about Steve is his absolute tenacity. He's pound-for-pound one of the hardest working, productive players in the entire game. Like his quarterback, he lets his emotions get to him. And that's what happened in the Spartanburg heat in early August when he introduced his fists to Ken Lucas's face. Tthe team handled the situation well. Fox put the clamps down immediately by taking swift action. The leaders of the team spoke honestly and openly with the media, and Lucas forgave Smith as quickly as possible. It hurts not to have Smitty available against San Diego and Chicago games, but this team will persevere. We're the tenacious, beastly, badass Carolina Panthers. And we're coming off a 7-9 campaign. The NFL has been put on notice.

Smokey: Let's do this, I've got musical genres to save:

Front Line Peppers is back to the same position he played in college, he had a terrible year last season, and he's primed to go apeshit. Add Maake Kemoeatu, Davis and whoever you want and people will sleep on them. Ask the Redskins.

Linebackers Jon Beason is Sam Mills and Kevin Greene all rolled into one. Beason accomplished everything a fan could want from a rookie and anchors the D now. Get used to him showing up on weekly Top Ten Plays lists, and/or orgy raps. Na'il Diggs's name alone puts fear in the hearts of men, and the word out of camp is that Thomas Davis is ready to have a primal year.

Defensive Backs These guys got pounded repeatedly (insert lesbian cheerleader joke here) and were a pretty weak link last year, so hopefully some of the younger guys will have matured and Ken Lucas regains depth perception. Chris Gamble and Richard Marshall are adept at the corners and Chris Harris will provide no less than three moments that cause one to throw one's hands in the air, as if one was a true player. There's much room for improvement on the defensive side of the ball and if the Panthers are gonna make any sort of noise, it's the D that's gonna have the biggest hill to climb. No one really knows what happened to Peppers last year, but if he can return to form and BeasTon continues on his path to greatness the Cats could be a turnover makin' machine. As for the season? After the yard-stomping we served to Washington this weekend, I couldn't agree with Jake Delhomme's assessment more: "I'm just glad we don't have to play the Panthers this year." That's downright Gumpian in its logic. The receiving corps looks strong, the porous O-line has been stuffed, and there's no sight of David Carr or Vinny Testaverde anywhere. All signs point to success!

“I’m not going to get into who’s right, who’s wrong. I’m completely wrong,” Smith said. “It was an asinine decision. And I’ll move forward better than I probably have ever had to. It’s the first time in my life that I really haven’t forgiven myself.”

“I’m a fallen man. I’m a man that made a mistake,” Smith said. “I plan to mend the bridges that I’ve burned and help rebuild the bridge, if I need to all by myself.”

I know what you're thinking, but this is not at all classic abuser-speak. It will never, ever happen again, baby! Even so, my advice is for Lucas to stay in his hyperberic chamber for a couple of weeks.

'It Was An Asinine Decision' Steve Smith Says [NBC Sports]