If this had been filmed back in say ... 2006, then you might have had something special. Right now, the most interesting subplot is a wide receiver with an idiotic name who is addicted to Twitter. Riveting stuff.

Plus, because the Bengals are on TV, they are going to be on their best behavior. This a teachable moment, and what management wants to teach the world is that Cincinnati is not Crazy Town.

"For the fans around the country who know us only by reports," the Cincinnati Bengals' owner said Tuesday, "it's a chance to set the record straight."

There are quite a few fans who would like the record to reflect that Mike Brown is a terrible owner, but that's another show. Oh, there might be some "Perfect Strangers" level hijinks if Chad "Johnson" decides to make good on his threat to move in with Carson Palmer, but that's harmless stuff. The NFL is not going to let HBO embarrass anyone, so unless Shayne Graham decides to murder a hobo the fireworks will likely be kept to a minimum.

Plus, it's all fake anyway.

Brown hopes 'Hard Knocks' changes minds [Lexington Herald Leader]
A.J. Smith calls 'Hard Knocks' fake [USA Today]
Cincinnati Bengals Training Camp on Hard Knocks [Esquire]
‘Hard Knocks' puts Bengals under a microscope [Cincy Inquirer]

We all know he was being honest when he said Ohio State fans sucked. You can agree or disagree with the statement but at least it was honest. Now, predictably, Palmer has backtracked from his statement and isued a new one regarding Ohio State and their fans. Have we really reached the point where quarterbacks have to behave like politicians and issue statements we know they don't actually believe? Yep.

In a statement, Palmer said, "I'm a Trojan all the way, and I was talking to a Trojan audience in California. I guess I got a little fired up, as all good fans will do. But I really do respect the Buckeyes, and I know their fans are passionate, too.

"I hope they all understand I'm just looking forward to a big game for my school against a very tough opponent, and that it's all in the good fun of a rivalry. You don't have a real rivalry unless both sides are great teams."

So now everyone who appreciated Palmer calling out Ohio State fans is pissed and every Ohio State fan still hates Palmer. Well played. In other news Carson Palmer also likes babies, hopscotch, cornhole, Cincinnati race relations, and the cadaver whose ACL he models.

Palmer backs of bashing Ohio State [The Sporting News]

It's a good thing Ohio State fans are so worldly and forgiving. Because otherwise Carson could be in some hot water. Evidently Palmer, a noted USC and Pac-10 homer, went on Los Angeles sports talk radio and brought the thunder.

Maybe he was misquoted.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes."

Okay, not a lot of parsing to be had there. Per AOL Fanhouse, there's more:

"It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there."

With these statements Carson Palmer has endeared himself to 49 states in the union. Unfortunately he plays in the 50th. Here's a good debate topic for you, are Ohio football fans going to be more upset about Chris Henry's multiple felony arrests or Carson Palmer ripping the Buckeyes?

Carson Palmer Hates Ohio State Fans [AOL Fanhouse]

1. The new Kevin Federline CD, Playing with Fire. ("A lot of people don't like K-Fed, but he's all right.")
2. A new tie rack. ("Even guys from Southern California wear ties.")
3. A 10-point LTS crossbow. ("It's a new hobby of mine.")
4. Flavor of Love (Season 1) DVD. ("Flav is very smooth, and funny.")
5. A pingpong table. ("Pingpong is fun and helps your hand-eye coordination.")

You know, we don't want to overstate our case here, but as much as we enjoy watching Palmer play football, it's going to remain in our brain every time he drops back that he legitimately likes Kevin Federline's music. We thought this would make us root against him, but we can't fathom a quarterback currently the NFL faring much better, you know? Know that Kordell is gone, anyway; we kind of like the Scissor Sisters.

Some Bengals Off The Field Christmas Lists [Dayton Daily News]

(By the way, all kinds of comedic possibilities missed in this story. They asked THE BENGALS WHAT THEY WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. How about "car breathalyzers?")

It features Palmer playing "Deal Or No Deal," with Howie Mandel, and choosing the jersey number of Buccaneers players who proceed to pummel him. (At one point he appears to have a torn shoulder.) The animation is crude, the humor isn't really there and, uh, they're really pretty brutal to little animated Carson. All that's missing is Kimo von Oelhoffen slicing his knee with a cheese grater.

We, of course, love it and would like to see more like it on official team sites. Who wouldn't enjoy what flash animation the Eagles site would come up with for Terrell Owens? Maybe some Owens pill pong?

Buccaneers Flash Intro [Buccaneers.com]

But boy, he didn't look scared last night, throwing three touchdowns and generally looking like he was never hurt in the Bengals' preseason win over the Packers. We'll confess: Because of the Bengals' doomed history, we imagined a truly tragic story of the star savior quarterback hurting himself in a playoff game and never playing again, a forever tortured figure on the city landscape. But here he is, seven months later, and he looks just fine. Storylines suck anyway. And they just don't make crippling knee injuries the way they used to.

Oh, and Brett Favre played last night. Yeah. Brett. Uh ... you know, we should probably just not say anything, except that he owes Joe Theismann a series of deep tissue massages.

No Need To Fret About No. 9 [Cincinnati Enquirer]

OK, maybe we better start over here.

Apparently, the game "Cornhole," which involves placing an object in a hole at a certain velocity ... dammit!

All right, grrr. Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is hosting The Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, and, from most accounts, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything dirty. So yeah: Gather up the kids and come to the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic. That's all we have here. Rehab that knee quick, Carson!

The Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic [Bengals.com]

(By the way, that photo is from right here. We really don't know what that is.)

• The fact that we'll all be waiting for him at the Jungle provides him with great inspiration to rehab his knee.

• Carson hopes the Bengals resign Jon Kitna, a "fantastic quarterback and person, who will expertly guide our offense during the off-season."

• Trey Selman at Selmen Chevrolet has provided Carson with a car that is "awesome."

• Carson's dog Homer is "awesome."

• There will soon be a picture of Homer, so that we can all see just how awesome Homer is.

By comparison, Carson Palmer's blog makes BarryBonds.com seem positively enthralling, although I suppose that both of them are a step up from the disturbing nightmare that is AnnaBenson.net. Will will keep you posted if Carson drops any major news this week, like the fact that he enjoys sandwiches.

• Cincinnati Bearcats forward Armein Kirkland blasts his ACL, hours after Palmer's injury, ending his college career.
• Ken Griffey Jr.'s hamstrings, knee, and shoulder
• Ki-Jana Carter's ACL, in his first preseason game after being drafted No. 1 overall.
• Tim Krumrie's leg in the Super Bowl.
• Kenyon Martin's ankle in the 1999 Conference USA tourney when UC was No. 1 in the nation
• Greg Cook, 1969 NFL Rookie of the Year, suffered a shoulder injury that forced him out of the game three years later.

When you listed it like that ... jeez. Get Chad Johnson out of there before it's too late!