I'm pretty sure that anyone who worked for CBS Sports during the 2004 Super Bowl is either dead, retired, or already in jail for far greater crimes, yet somehow the network, the government, the Third Circuit Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court, the U.N. Security Council, and the Galactic Senate continue to fight it out. Even Fox is somehow involved and they weren't even showing the game. This is officially the dumbest legal fight of all time and it's pretty much guaranteed to never end.

CBS was fined $500,000, the Third Circuit said that was nonsense, the Supremes said, "nuh-uh" and the FCC is mad because the network had the magical "seven second delay" technology, yet didn't anticipate that a former Mouseketeer could be so randy. The horror. I don't even remember who played in that game—I want to say the Bills?—let alone what Janet Jackson's breast looks like, so perhaps the national scars have healed enough that we can fire all these lawyers and get on with our lives.

FCC To Further Investigate Janet Jackson Super Bowl Reveal [Broadcasting & Cable, via Gawker]

This comes from last night's Miami-Florida State whizbang of a game on ESPN, via about a million of you. Shocking though it may seem, it is entirely in keeping with broadcast guidelines that require that any crowd shot in Tallahassee include at least one massive boob.

* * * * *

Good morning. Helluva game. Here's some Zevon:

Gone is any mention of Josh Levin's groundbreaking research into Rick Reilly's taste for dental yuks, and, as everyone knows, Rick Reilly without the dental yuks is like Gallagher without the melons. Nonetheless, one helpful but censorious Wikipedian saw fit to scrub the reference. Hmmm. Is someone protecting Rick Reilly, 11-time sportswriter of the year, from the barbs of the Internet?

First, here's how the entry read as of Monday:



And here's how it reads now:

As you can see here, the user responsible for this edit, as well as a series of innocuous changes, is someone called "Zim924," who, to judge by past contributions, takes a keen interest in Hoda Kotb, an assortment of sports personalities and the film work of Marlon Wayans. The latter, Zim924 helpfully informs us, "is currently in 'G.I. Joe.'"

Who might this helpful but censorious Zim924 be? Could it be the same Zim924 as the Zim924 on Twitter, a fellow by the name of Mark Zimmerman? Why, yes. Yes, it could be:

And could this helpful but censorious Mark Zimmerman be the same Mark Zimmerman who works at Headline Media Management, a "talent representation firm"? Why, yes. Yes, it could be.

This afternoon, we called up Mark Zimmerman, aka Zim924, a very kind man who assured us several times that he enjoyed our web site and who confirmed that Reilly is indeed a client of Headline Media Management (and has been since before Zimmerman joined the firm in 2007). "Nicest man you'll ever meet," Zimmerman said of Reilly.

We asked if he had made certain edits to Reilly's Wikipedia profile. He didn't hesitate. "Yes, sir," he said. "I just added that he's newly married and updated his book stuff."

We pointed out that a revision comparison clearly indicates his handiwork in the dental reference's removal. He denied it.

"No, sir," Zimmerman said. "Hand to God. I never saw that reference."

We e-mailed him the comparisons. He soon phoned us back and reiterated his denial. "I personally did not delete it," he said (italics ours, just to be pricks about it).

"Seems pretty innocent to me," Zimmerman added. "I can put it back if anyone is upset about it."

Rick Reilly [Wikipedia]

Burney, self-professed "hopeless romantic and connoisseur of carpe diem," is a senior cornerback and a florid writer who is something like Barbara Cartland in a chinstrap. His debut post, "The Sad Goodbye," went up Thursday and was swiftly bowdlerized by Colorado's athletic department, afraid word might get out that amateur collegiate athletes occasionally engage in shockingly casual sex. Joel Warner of Denver's Westword found the original entry. It began:

This is the first in a new series on CUBuffs.com penned by senior CB Benjamin Burney. Burney will give CU fans a one-of-a-kind glimpse inside the program like only he can.

"The Sad Goodbye"

You can feel it in the air, a tinge that tingles your nose and slowly rolls up your eyes. The grey morning sifts through the blinds as the rainy air from the night before pulls you up out of bed. You roll over and sit up giving your legs a rub as a deep sigh of learned anguish and anxious excitement bellows from your lungs. Your head hangs down as you pop your ankles and toes out of their Nike and Jordan dreamland then look over your shoulder at your girl of the night. She seems to mockingly snore in a deep sleep unaware of your dismay, your libido sheds a salty tear aware she can't be back for awhile, and your body begins to ache as it stares at the rising sun on August sixth two thousand and nine. "Where you goin'?" She asks looking at you methodically putting on weathered shorts, holy socks, and a tattered shirt; you don't look up for fear of her seeing the growing water in your eyes, you just answer slowly, trying your hardest not to personify your words, "Dal Ward...I have to go to Dal Ward... It's reporting day..."

The entry now looks like this. You'll note that "Burney's Blog" has become the group-authored "CU Football Blog," to which Burney says he will not be contributing in the future:

Burney said the blog was later edited without consulting him. He said the plan was for him to write the blog all season. He said he has since been told further editions won't be necessary.

"I have been censored. They took parts out of my blog and they took it away from me," Burney said. "It was my idea and it saddens me. They didn't tell me why I got censored, they changed it and it was taken away from me."

Westword points out that the Colorado Politburo also excised Burney's description of a meal ("Two dead pigs oozing with goodness, pretty in pink salmon, and crayon green salad") and its aftereffects ("We always eat too much on the first night and our toilets pay for it"). Gone, too, is his characterization of a series of meetings as "the mundane that sucks the all life out of each one of us, coaches and players alike."

That last edit is maybe even more preposterous than censoring the sexy bits. Any player will tell you that the sport is really one long team meeting broken up by occasional bursts of actual football. Writing about football without describing the tedium is like writing about war without mentioning death. Truth sheds a salty tear.

CU Buffs lets player blog about reality of college football, reconsider after player blogs about reality of college football [Westword]
CU Buffs nix player Ben Burney's blog after risque entry [Colorado Daily]
CU Football Blog: The Sad Goodbye by Ben Burney [CUBuffs.com]

A tipster sent in a year-old blog post residing on the Fox Sports website about the worst trades in baseball. It elicited substantial giggling, not for what the post says (although it's comprehensive and interesting), but because of what the censor doesn't want you to read:

November 13, 2003 - The San Francisco Giants trade pitchers Joe Nathan, Francisco Liriano, and BLEEP Bonser to Twins for A.J. Pierzynski

They were tradinBLEEP oung player who had put up some nice numbers,

Thankfully, Fox Sports gives the reader the option to turn the censor off (you reading this, ESPN?). After daring to give the censor a ten-minute smoke break, I re-read the sentence and the phrase read "trading a young player." Note the succession of letters it BLEEPed out. It says... oh, god, that's obscene! Moreso for John Nash from "A Beautiful Mind!" Get it away from me! Abort, abort!

Well, that's the last time I get caught readinBLEEPear-old blog post.

Worst Trades In Baseball [Fox Sports/Morisato's Blog]