In the third inning of last night's victory, the Phillies second baseman made a frantic dash toward home plate in an attempt to eek out an extra run and ended up dismantling the Nationals' catcher Jesus Flores. The ball, however, was not dismantled. But the effort was not lost on Manuel, who wasted no time with the Mad Men-speak to describe Utley's effort.

"That's not old school, that's good school. That's the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on."

Still two back, though.

Utley gives Phillies a crash-course in leadership [Philly.com]
Charlie Manuel knows a real man when he sees one [The Nationals Enquirer]

• Phillies manager Charlie Manuel actually leads baseball in ejections this year with five; his team is also atop baseball with nine total ejections.

• Three managers have yet to be ejection: The Nationals' Manny Acta, the Rangers' Ron Washington and the Cardinals' Tony La Russa. Actually, the Cardinals are the only team in baseball without an ejection, unless you count Kip Wells, every damned game.

• Sammy Sosa has been ejected from a game this year. So that's why he came back.

Who Doesn't Love A Good Baseball Ejection [One More Dying Quail]
Bobby Cox Likes To Leave Early Sometimes [Deadspin]

Old people. Two incidents in the last week have evidenced just how great old people are: referee Joey Crawford's bizarre blow up at Tim Duncan and then Phillies manager Charlie Manuel unleashing his own mix of backwoods whoop-ass on radio "personality" Howard Eskin. Crawford has most likely refereed his last game, given an indefinite suspension seems like a forced retirement on the part of NBA Commissioner David Stern. Consider this Crawford's Howard Beale moment. It would have to be; how many other 50something old men would challenge a 7 foot professional athlete to a fight? Even if it is Tim Duncan.

Cholly, on the other hand, well, this was a little more troubling. In what's turning out to be one of the most fraudulent seasons in Philadelphia Phillies history, it's at least encouraging that Goodtime Charlie still has something left in him. Most of the time, he's perched at the top of the dugout with this Oops!-I-crapped-my-pants expression, never showing any kind of emotion whatsoever, but now, we're witness to the fiery muskrat that has laid dormant for far too long. Eskin was an easy target for his wrath, given his penchant for picking on people he doesn't play golf with. (And, Charlie, please don't accept any flower bouquets should Eskin try to apologize.)

You really can't blame Manuel for his actions (too much). The 2007 Phillies are just repulsive; besides their awful everything, it's more repugnant everybody in the Delaware Valley got duped by a silly PR slogan and Ryan Howard's MVP glare. Goosebumps? More like Nut Punch. This is team is just another reshined turd.

See? It's easy to become cantankerous when you're talking about the Phillies.

And with Manuel's latest outburst, the wacky demotion of Brett Myers to the bullpen and the Phillies sinking deeper and deeper into irrelevancy early in the season, it's become apparent that Good Guy Charlie (Nice Guy Charlie! Granpaw Charlie! Craaaaazy Charlie!) is starting to completely unravel.

So this week, I'm lathering myself in Fixodent, taking bong hits from a colostomy bag and placing odds on Charlie Manuel's next haywire move.

Let's head out to the outhouse and gets all growned up, after this jump.

Batting first...Jon Lieber: 2/1

The lineup switches employed in the first week — flip-flopping Utley and Howard — obviously didn't have the desired affect. Protection for Howard? Not really necessary. Ryan Howard would swing and miss at a cantaloupe on top of a tee right now, so that's irrelevant. But the better solution would be to completely invert the batting order. Bat the pitcher first, with the sole purpose of getting him hit by a pitch. That's something to do with those six starters — use one as a sacrificial lamb in the first inning. Also, by employing this logic, you'll have eight people protecting the true power hitter on the team, Jimmy Rollins. I'm sure he'll get plenty of pitches to hit batting ninth.

Begins Blaming Losses on Imaginary, Trouble-Making Animals : 2/1

Where are these extra bases? Why are people stealing third? Why does Ryan Howard get picked off? What's with this double-switch problem? Why not bunt? These are just a handful of the standard managerial questions that Manuel's been asked after a number of losses. There appears to not only be a lack of discipline, but fundamentals as well. But Charlie's a lifelong baseball guy — how could all these things be happening? Well, for one thing it's the cows. Damn cows are running all over the field. Then it's the cotton-picking roosters. They keep crowing. You try to hit while there's a rooster crowing. And the goddamn sheep are turfing up the outfield. Can't get good footing if the sheep are out there jumping around. And the zebras. Goddamn zebras are noisy. Get those noisy bastards out of the dugout. We might win some ball games if it weren't for the zebras.

Orders a Code Red on Wes Helms: 3/1

It's probably too early to start pounding on Utley and Howard, so the next logical choice will be Wes Helms. Don't be fooled by his laudable batting average — this guy appears to have spent the off-season learning how to hit into momentum killing double plays. Plus, since he's a new acquisition, it'll be a lot easier to convince the team that he's the reason why there's such a low RISP average this year. I wouldn't be surprised if the media walked into find Helms hanging from the locker, dirty sock stuffed in his mouth, and covered in bruises from the bar of soap pummeling he'd just received hours before.

Answers Every Media Question at Press Conference with a Thundering Fart: 1/1

It's easy to see that Charlie's exasperated with the team, and answering the same questions each and every day is just going to become more maddening. Instead of stammering through mind-numbing questions from Marcus Hayes and Todd Zolecki, et al, it'll be a lot easier for Manuel to express his disappointment for how his team's doing right now through his rectum. Most impressive, Bill Conlin is familiar with this ancient form of communication and will begin asking questions the same way:

Bill: Fwommmp.
Cholly: Mwwweeep.

Goosebumps...

So at first Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said he wasn't going to talk about his Tuesday dustup with radio guy Howard Eskin (as seen and heard above), but thanks in part to Dan Steinberg at DC Sports Bog, that vow didn't last long. Prior to Wednesday's game with the Nationals (the Phillies left nine on base in a 13-inning, 5-4 loss ... ouch), Manuel went off on this bizarre rant:

"When I first started as a manager in this game I used to grab guys, I'd slam them on the wall. Really. I mean, that was no problem. I had no problem doing that. And you know, like, I'm older now and things like that, I'm 63 years old, but at the same time, you know, like, I've still got that same passion, I've still got that same fire....People don't know me and they don't take the time to know me. They see me around the ballpark and they kind of look at, 'Well, there's Goodtime Charlie,' or you know, like, 'Take-it-Easy Charlie,' 'Laidback Charlie,' 'Uncle Charlie,' 'Grand-pa Charlie,' whatever."

But that wasn't the best part. Later in the interview:

Finally, out of the blue, Manuel drops this: He's putting his No. 1 starter, Brett Myers, into the bullpen. There was five seconds of silence. Literally. I timed it later. Then laughter. Much laughter. The beat writers attempted to convince Manuel that he was joking. They stared at each other. Literally, jaws were dropped. One writer offered to bet Manuel $100 that he was kidding. Finally, they realized he was serious.

It was all too bizarre, and the weirdness continued. When we eventually tracked down Myers, someone asked if he'd be able to throw harder now that he was working in shorter bursts. "Let me let you direct that question to my arm," Myers said, putting his arm in the writer's face. I mean, this team was born for bloggers.

It should be noted that Manuel said all of this while wearing a Virginia Tech cap. Well, you can change your cap, Charlie ... but don't you change.

Charlie Manuel Explains It All [DC Sports Bog]
Manuel Explodes, Challenges Eskin After Loss [NBC.10]
Charlie Manuel Vs. Howard Eskin [YouTube]
Nationals 5, Phillies 4, 13 Innings [MSNBC]

• Charlie Manuel Wants The National League To Get Off His Lawn. Things are spinning gloriously out of control in Philadelphia, where the euphoria surrounding Freddy Garcia's pitching debut quickly turned to manager Charlie Manuel going all Mr. Miyagi after the game. The Phillies are 3-9 (1-5 at home) after Tom Glavine and the Mets administered an 8-1 spanking Tuesday; win No. 293 for Glavine. After the game, Manuel answered charges that he wasn't dynamic enough by offering to punch out a radio host. Yep, makes sense. From AP: The normally mild-mannered manager challenged a radio talk-show host to a fight. Manuel had to be restrained by hitting coach Milt Thompson at one point. "We're going to win," Manuel could be heard yelling in his office. Fortunately, The 700 Level was at the game, and dug a little deeper, reporting that the radio host in question is 610 WIP's Howard Eskin, who to this point was best known for his uncanny resemblance to The Burger King. Following the game, Eskin reportedly asked Manuel "Don't you think it would help your players if they saw you fired up a bit more?" The 64-year-old manager responded by lunging toward Eskin, garnering much the same result as Chase Utley earlier that day (0-for-3, HBP). Honestly, are there any old guys in town who aren't looking for trouble this week? (NBA official and Tim Duncan antagonist Joey Crawford is from nearby West Chester). Nearly lost in the confusion: Moises Alou's two homers and three RBI, and David Wright extending his hitting streak to 24 games, tying the Mets' franchise record.

• His Real First Name Is Sebern, By The Way. It says a lot about the state of the Yankees pitching staff that their starter on Tuesday was wearing this on his hat just 48 hours ago. So hastily was Chase Wright called up from Class-AA Trenton that he didn't even have his own glove for his pitching debut against the Cleveland Indians. He's no Colter Bean just yet (who is?), but Wright still pitched pretty well, going five innings and surrendering five hits with three earned runs in New York's 10-3 win. Alex Rodriguez continues to punish you for not picking him on your fantasy team, by the way, hitting his ML-leading eighth homer.

• Blue Jays Disrespectful To Matsuzaka. Can You See That We Are Serious? Daisuke Matsuzaka fell to 1-2 after forcing in the go-ahead run with a bases-loaded walk to Gregg Zaun in the fourth, Toronto beating the Red Sox 2-1. Despite getting only three hits (Matsuzaka struck out 10). "He didn't command like he can," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. Still, the honeymoon isn't over: Boston fans are still giving him points simply for not signing with the Yankees.

• Sammy's Back. We don't quite understand the dynamic here; are White Sox fans allowed to boo Sammy Sosa? Apparently so, as the former Cub got a heavy dose of grief in his return to Chicago (albeit the South Side) with the Rangers. Sosa answered of course with a home run (No. 591 of his career) as Texas beat the White Stockings 8-1. Ozzie Guillen intentionally walked Mark Teixeira in the eighth to get to Sosa, who hit his third homer of the year. This prompted Guillen of course to say "I'm not afraid of Sammy Sosa. I'll walk Teixera to pitch to Sosa every day of the year." Ha.

• The Crosby Show. Jered Weaver's 2007 pitching debut was spoiled by Bobby Crosby, who had a three-run homer to lead the Athletics over the Angels 4-1.