In a post headlined My Brother Is Not Martha Stewart, Brian lashes out:

This is the only time I will address the ignorant and hateful mail I have received. The allegations against my brother are just that, allegations. The only version of events the public gets to see is the SEC version in their complaint. They are going to spin facts in the light most favorable to their case. As an attorney I am aware that this is the nature and reality of litigation. Mark will get his say in court. I have no doubt that the true chain of events will play out in his favor. ...

There are only two people in this world that have known Mark longer than I have. Everyone else has an opinion and gets their blog stats up by voicing it and speculating. I don’t have a problem with this. It is what makes the blogosphere one of the most fascinating ever expanding frontiers on earth. I however, have 47 years of facts. Mark is an ethical person of the highest level of integrity in every aspect of his life. I urge people to not pass judgment on SEC self -serving P.R. Let the facts play out where they should, in a court of law.

As compelling as this post is however, I was more intrigued by three other entries at the Brian's blog, The Cuban Revolution: 11 Must See Disaster Flicks, Can Jesus Smoke a Fatty? and I Voted For John McCain. You're hereby bookmarked, Brian!

My Brother Is Not Martha Stewart [The Cuban Revolution]

So the sign took a little longer to update this year. But Home Run Derby reports that the task has finally been accomplished, and here it is.

100!

One which read EAMUS CATULI, which reads “LET’S GO CUBS” in Latin. Actually, it’s LET’S GO WHELPS — I had two years of Latin in High School … it’s close enough. And another sign which (at the time in ‘95) read AC115087. Back in 1996, my Dad thought it was the number of Cub fans who had died waiting for the Cubs to get back to the World Series — but 125,188 was just too small a number.

The AC stand for Anno Catuli, Latin for “Year of the Cubs.” A lot has been written about the magical 100-year futility mark, but that 63-year NL pennant drought is starting to look pretty impressive as well.

They Updated The Cubs Futility Odometer [Home Run Derby]

You can just see it in that one part where they close in on Ernie Banks, and he's thinking: "No way this thing ever airs."

OK, last call for Cubs bashing, folks. The NLCS has begun, and it's time to move on. So if you've got any pithy Cubs stories or videos, send 'em in now, because we're not going to be flogging this dead goat after today. Unless, you know, it's really funny.

Walter E Smithe Jumps The Gun With The Cubs [Chicagoist]

JON STEWART: Cubs fans are considered a subset of stupid?
JOHN OLIVER: Oh absolutely John. They’ve had a hundred years to figure out that what they want will never happen, and yet they still yearn for it.
JS: And that is stupid.
JO: Yes, that’s very stupid.
JS: Because the Cubs will never win.
JO: No, that’s right John. The Chicago Cubs will never, ever win the World Series. They won’t do it.
JS: They’ve made God angry.
JO: That’s right. That’s what I’m saying.

Thank you, Daily Show. And thank you, Cubs.

Baseball Rules On Comedy Central’s Late Night Shows”> [Big League Stew]
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Alternate headline: A preponderance of goat, perhaps?

Steve Rosenbloom has the whole somewhat awesome story over on his blog at the Chicago Tribune. An excerpt:

Sunday morning at the Cubs house. A battery-operated CD player with a timer went off at exactly 7:30. A bullhorn is attached to the CD player. The whole contraption is placed right outside the Cubs couple's bedroom. Blasting out of the bullhorn is a very loud and painfully slow version of "Go Cubs Go."

"Go."

"Cubs."

"Go."

Ah, but the Sox husband couldn't leave it at that. No, as the Cubs husband sought the source of the noise, he ventured out to his front yard. There he found 100 lawn signs with nothing but a drawing of a billy goat stuck in the ground. Yes, 100 signs. For some reason, that number rings a bell.

Man, Chicago baseball fans have a lot of time on their hands.

A Sox Fan's Revenge On A Cubs Fan: And That, Finally, Was That [Chicago Tribune]

Uh oh. One Down, One to Go? The person who put that shirt together must be shivering in terror right now. Or maybe the Cubs’ jinxes don’t apply to White Sox fans. Obama fans better hope so, anyway.

And how about that debate last night, huh? When McCain said those things, and Obama, like, disagreed and stuff.*

* = clearly didn't watch.

UPDATE: Apparently McCain and Obama had a Belichick, Mangini moment following the debate. Awesome.

Does This T-Shirt Mean Obama Will Lose The Election? [Home Run Derby]

One letter, short and to the point, stood out. "Dear Cubs," it began. "Thanks for nothing." Among the torn-up Cubs posters and T-shirts, another note read: "Dear Cubs 2008, It really hurts knowing I'll never see you again. We had some great times."

The shrine, at Waveland and Sheffield, was started by Murphy's Bleachers workers upset at the Cubs getting drummed out of the playoffs. It grew as passersby added messages and trinkets.

Let's see how big we can get this thing. Extra points for anyone who leaves a picture of Mariotti with a mustache.

Cubs Fans Erect Shrine To Futility [Chicago Sun-Times]

• Elegy To The 2008 Cubs. Will I quit? Hell no; I'm a Cubs fan. That's how I grew up; if you're my age or older you have many of these shared disasters, now all of us have 2008. When last night's game ended I took off my division champions T-shirt, that I had been wearing for whatever luck or mojo it could contribute (sure, I know it can't really affect players 2000 miles away), but why not? — and tossed it in the trash. [Bleed Cubbie Blue]

• I'm Done. I'm done with you Cubs convention!!!!!!! I've already cancelled my room. I'm done with it!!!!!! I'm done with the regular season!!!!!! Other them checking the scores, I'm done watching these pieces of shit in April-Sept. I'm done with going to to Wrigley in the regular season!!!!! I'm done with my W flag and Go Cubs Go!!!!!!!! I'm done until they win a playoff series!!!!! Next year was this year and this very talented team pissed it away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm done with MLBTRADERUMORS.COM. I'm done with it!!!!!! I could care less what they do in the off season. I'm done with Hot stove baseball talk!!!!! I'm done. The only thing that matter is October. I'm done!!!!! [Ghostofpaulnoce]

• So Long. The Chicago Sun-Times’s website says this in today’s front page. If so, I think it was SUPER CLASSY of them to run an ad for the local cable service letting Cubs fans know they can “Watch the home teams on Comcast Digital Cable with HD.” Yes, it’s always fun watching my home team getting swept out of the playoffs in HD. [Blogging Via Typewriter]

• F$%& The Cubs, F$#* The Culture Of Losing, F#*$ Manny Ramirez, F#*% Aramis Ramirez, And F@#& You. I can't process this or talk about it right now. I'm angry. Only in sports could a tradition of losing be a successful business model. And it's because retards like me keep coming back for more. [Not Qualified To Comment]

• The Disappointing Cubs: How 2008 Ranks. Well, that sucked. Here's how the disappointing suckiness compares with previous disappointing suckinesses: [Wrigleyville23]

• Nine Reasons To Believe The Cubs Will Be Fine In '09. Maybe life is not fair, maybe the world is cruel and stinging, maybe our hearts were made to be broken. But between all the heartbreak and sadness are moments, infantisimal in length yet seemingly infinite. It is these moments that define our lives — your first kiss, the first night spent with the love of your life (and the last), long departures and short reunions. Our love of sports in general and Cubs baseball in particular can certainly be described as cruel. We live with heartbreak, this weekend is only the most recent example. But our moment is coming, even if some of us will never live to see it. And that moment, when the Cubs win, it will be glorious. Believe me, it's coming. And if you don't believe ... well, what the hell are you doing here to begin with, then? [Goat Riders Of The Apocalypse].

Thankfully, some members of the faculty don't spend their off-hours knitting or reading and let the others know that, yes, "Fukudome" is in fact the surname of a n extremely popular Cubs player who happens to be Japanese.

Sadly, the girl's mother reveals that this whole incident could have been avoided had family been able to afford the real jersey their Cubs-crazy daughter wanted:

"She's a big Cubs fan, and we got the jersey at Dick's. We were going to get a [Kerry] Wood one, but it cost more."

Given the hypersensitivity of this school's administration, a "Wood" jersey probably would have resulted in a three-day suspension.

Is Fukudome a Dirty Word? [Chicago Sun Times]
Fukudome is Obscene In Chicago [Slanch Report]

Down 0-2 in the best-of-five struggle, Cubs fans are in a surly mood. They've all but declared this one over, as can be seen all over the message boards on Cubs blogs this morning.

• Somebody hire Al Davis to figure out a way that K-Fuk can be fired for cause. — sitrick2

• Blech. — BellwetherMeltdown

• If this is the best of what’s to come, I don’t want to know what the worst is. — Clark Kellogg

• Isn’t milton bradley a free agent this year? — sitrick2

• You know that scene in scanners before the guys head blows up? Yeah. That’s about where I am. — JDools

Hmm, I guess we won't be needing these. Meanwhile, champagne is on ice in Mannywood, as the Dodgers look to close it out in Chavez Ravine on Saturday at 7 p.m., PST. On Thursday Ramirez's 26th career post-season homer and Russell Martin's three-run double were the big hits, as LA chased Carlos Zambrano. “It wasn’t good baseball. In fact, the last two days, that’s probably been the two worst games we’ve played all year,” a frustrated Lou Piniella said. “It wasn’t fun to watch, I’ll tell you that.”

The Cubs manager then gently laid his head on his desk and closed his eyes, as members of the press tiptoed out, careful not to wake him.

Cubs Turn To Sleep Doctor Too [Daily Press]
Dodgers Roll Again, Push Cubs To The Brink [NBCSports]

* * *

Bottom 9th

10 3

Well, the final inning — or at least the Cubs' first four batters — was like trying to give the massage parlor customer a happy ending after castrating them with rusty surgical equipment. Why torture a team like that? Just let them strike out or ground out quietly and send the series to LA where no one will notice Chicago will be swept.

Oh well. Really painful games all night. So much for belief in the NL Central. If you go to bed tonight and still hear a nonstop influx of booing, you'll know why. Thanks for persistently refreshing, gang.

12:49 — After working a full count and fouling off a couple pitches, Ward strikes out on a seemingly-low ball. The fans are outraged — OUTRAGED! — that it wasn't a walk to load the bases and give them hope that maybe the seven-run lead was still manageable. ESPN's Gamecast takes a stand on Pitch No. 7:

12:44 — Fukudome mystically watches strike three go right by him, and with two outs, the strange rally is almost over. And how much stranger could it end but with Daryle Ward at the plate.

12:43 — The booing just grew some more. I think that out finally woke people up from a delightful ether nap.

12:42 — Pow, Soto hits a screamer over Angel Berroa's head, but not so high that Berroa can't jump and make the catch. And he does. That's why he won Rookie of the Year all those years ago. One out.

12:40 — I still hear booing. Stop that, Bill Murray! It's not ironically funny!

12:39 — Pie Jesu domine. Felix eamus catuli. Pie walks to first, continuing this bizarre inning of hope.

12:37 — Torre has had enough of Takashi Saito's mop-up work. Time for Jonathan Broxton's mop-up work. Felix Pie will pinch hit.

12:34 — A granule-sized portion of karma rights itself when DeRosa doubles after all over Kemp's coconut. Two runs are in, and the game score looks less sadistic.

12:33 — Chicago's last hope of a rally falls by the wayside as Chan Ho Park stops warming up in the bullpen.

12:32 — Ooh, DeRosa's ball down the left field line is called foul, but the replay shows a bit of white grass being disturbed. Clearly this will make a difference in the outcome of the game.

12:30 — It's not so much twisting the knife anymore, but it's more of a refusal to pull it back out. Aramis Ramirez singles to left and Lee prances to third, setting up a "yeah right" rally.

12:29 — Ah, yes, that'll do. False hope. Lee's hit rolls into the ivy, and Pierre and Kemp try to start the wave in left center. Or they just want to show everyone they don't want to try and get the ball, because thene Lee could advance to third, and THEN they'd be in big trouble!

Between Innings

I'm just imagining the ways this game can get worse for the Cubs. (It will get worse.) Will someone get injured? Will Lou Piniella get ejected? Maybe Dusty Baker will be named manager for Game 3. It's too early to predict.

Top 9th

12:24 — Now even Angel Berroa is getting base hits. The incessant "boo" has turned into what I think is Cubs fans stabbing each other with toothpicks and switchblades to ease the pain of watching the action on the field.

12:23 — Yet another case of wanton double digitry. The tenth run steps in as Blake's ball back up the middle gives Juan Pierre another run.

12:20 — Just when they were out of the inning, Theriot heaves a throw to first that instead bounces away from Derrek Lee and behind the tarp. As TBS points out, everyone in the infield has an error. Hey, why not play favorites?

12:17 — As Loney flies out to Fukudome, TBS points out Ron Santo calling the game on the radio, and how this game "must be killing him." Oh, and here I thought it was the diabetes. But it's playoff futility. How foolish of me!

Bottom 8th

9 1

12:13 — Oh by the way Theriot grounded out harmlessly.

12:11 — Ha! After the second out, TBS gives a kiss on the cheek to one of its sponsors — some liquor, I think — reminding everyone to "drink responsibly." Cubs fans couldn't get timelier advice, I think.

12:09 — Wade will continue to stay on the mound and run around in an inner-tube being scared of things around the farm ... oh wait, wrong Wade. Pinch-hitter Mike Fontenot grounds out for Carlos Marmol, which is silly, because Marmol could have done that himself.

Top 8th

12:06 — It probably warrants mentioning that "This Year's Joba," Carlos Marmol, is the guy who strikes out Andre Ethier after allowing those two runs. Poor guys. Look at them. You just want to reach into your pockets and see if you have a spare run to toss into their guitar case.

12:04 — Silly, Jim Edmonds, you're supposed to dive backwards, not forwards! Manny Ramirez's bloop single plates Furcal, and with a 9-1 lead the game has become that one scene from Schindler's List, only not as racist, but equally genocidal.

12:02 — Hey, so much for bringing trailing only by six anymore. Blake reaches base, gets to second somehow and scores on Furcal's not-a-bunt-single single.

Between Innings

Remember when you would watch Nick at Nite and there would be classic TV shows that never aired when you were alive? And now today it's shows like Nick At Nite and freakin Scrubs? That's how I feel right now with a TBS baseball studio with Dennis Eckersley, Cal Ripken and Curtis Granderson.

Bottom 7th

7 1

11:58 — Now you can't weari Kosuke Fukudome shirts in Chicago workplaces either, but for different reasons. The rally dies with a lonely run scored.

11:54 — Cory Wade warms up on the mound as Cubs fans sing "Livin' On A Prayer" in a fit of non-irony.

11:51 — Everyone, wake up [bangs conveniently-placed gong with cooking spoon]. Geovany Soto just hit a base hit and there's dudes on the corners with two outs. Joe Torre is pulling Billingsley. You can pay attention now. I knew I wasn't a dummy for buying this gong.

11:50 — Salvation! Hallelujah! It Could Still Happen If You Disregard Much Of Reality! Edmonds shoots a double into the top of the ivy and Matt Kemp gets lost in the greenness. There's your first run. But it still sounds like they're booing. Maybe Wrigley Field just has naturally pessimistic acoustics.

11:49 — I'm not sure what to make of this. Mark DeRosa laces a 2-out double.

Between innings

Fan sign in a TBS montage:

WRIGLEY FIELD:
THIS IS
BASEBALL
SHANGRI-LA

Really had to go to your B-level paradises to complete that acrostic, didn't you? Good thing playoff baseball isn't on ABC:

WRIGLEY FIELD
ALWAYS
BASEBALL'S
CHERNOBYL

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

This was from last year's time period between the Cubs NL Central division and when they actually began playing baseball in the postseason. They got swept last year, remember, but clearly that won't happen this year!

Top 7th

11:41 — Aw, no more runs this inning.

11:41 — Aw, awesome! Another run! Football score joke!

11:38 — All right, a ground ball that could turn into a double play! We can finally get up and stre... aw, boooo, they didn't get it to first base in time.

11:36 — Well it's a good thing Cotts walked Mr. Ethier and not Zambrano. Now he tosses two more not-strikes to Loney before Larry Rothschild comes out to talk to him. Topic of discussion: there's so much air in those bags of potato chips. How come?

11:33 — Neal Cotts from the famed 2005 Chicago White Sox bullpen now gets to clean up a playoff game on the other side of Chicago.

11:31 — Seriously, this might be the most despondent sound I've ever heard from a sports audience. It's like they're slowly having their bone marrow drained by Sam Zell. Happiness emerges as Piniella yanks Zambrano from the mound after a walk, but for some reason you can still hear an "Oooooo" sound from half of the fans.

11:30 — Aw, I was kind of hoping Manny Ramirez approached the plate while riding an actual blue-colored bear.

11:28 — Ain't no way they're going to let Carlos Zambrano destroy the clubhouse so soon. He's still pitching.

11:27 — Another telling stat. The Cubs have been on base as many times as they've allowed an error.

Bottom 6th

6 0

11:25 — Happiness reaches an all time "wah" as Theriot slaps a ground ball to second for Chicago's second straight 1-2-3 inning and getting 11 outs from their last 11 batters.

11:23 — There's your boo-age. Soriano swings and connects with nothing but vapor trails. Vapor trails, in the game of baseball, are worth zero points.

11:21 — Zambrano bounces out to Torgo, and you can just feel the Cubs fans emanating a perpetual "boo" or "ooh" or "meh" from the bleachers.

Top 6th

11:18 — Ending the hardly-a-threat, Furcal turns the fastball into an out. He learned that one from Juan Pierre.

11:16 — Zambrano handles the bunt and throws to SECOND!? Really? They call him out, but Torgo looked the opposite of out, which is standing on second with his tongue sticking out, going "nyah nyah nyah!" But what do I know. The umpire was closer to the play than me.

11:14 — Hey, that'll help. Zambrano throw inside — so much, that Casey "Torgo" Blake gets himself a free base because it knicked him in the tummy.

11:13 — A chat with Lou Piniella. Synopsis: other than that second inning, Zambrano's thrown the ball very well. Also, they need runs. Wasn't aware of that last one.

11:11 — Barack Obama asks me what change means to me. To me, it means turning homeless people into COTTON CANDY! Whee!!

Bottom 5th

6 0

11:08 — Why are the Cubs fans yelling "Fuuuuuuuuuuuukudome" after he struck out? You'd think they'd yell something else, like ... oh.

11:07 — Edmonds' long fly ball gets caught by Manny Ramirez right behind the ivy. And being goofy, he leans back into the ivy for a second. Ha! BECAUSE NOBODY EVER DID THAT BEFORE, THOSE BRAINLESS ROBOT LOSERS!!

11:06 — Tom Verducci brings the well-placed Groundhog Day reference. Kudos, writer-slash-sideline reporter!

Top 5th

6 0

11:02 — Why, it's ... it's a Cubs-made double play! I mean, one they didn't hit into! That turned the fake-cheering into actual-cheering. All right, we're only down six!

11:00 — Time for a Cub-like visit to the mound. Topic of discussion: Why don't elevators have a way of un-pressing buttons for certain floors?

10:57 — Manny Ramirez pops a solo home run in the hopes of showing all those overstarched suit-wearing fogeys that it pays to think freely and be yourself. Maybe for Game 3 he'll sport the 80s sideways ponytail.

10:55 — Proving commercials can make anything happen, Ashton Kutcher figures out how to work a camera.

Bottom 4th

5 0

10:53 — Ah, there's the double-out ball. DeRosa saves the inning from not featuring the minimum three batters. Now they can go back out and play stellar defense!

10:51 — Aramis Ramirez's turn. He trinkles a ground ball to short, but the double play gets aborted when Lee's slide breaks it up. Unfortunately, something looks broken in Lee's body as he hobbles back to the dugout.

10:50 — Or not. Lee hits it to left field, where hustling is for "squares." Manny permits it to bounce in front of him for the single.

10:49 — Up come Lee, Ramirez, and DeRosa this inning, who — as TBS points out — are the three guys who have errors in the game. So, 1-2-3 inning then?

Top 4th

10:46 — The five-run deficit is successfully protected after Curly Z struck out Martin.

10:45 — Wow! That's a very long bunt! (Or maybe he actually swung.) Furcal singles to advance Billingsley to scoring position.

10:42 — Gick. Errormiss Ramirez. rears his bobbly head again, and Chad Billingsley will run the bases like nobody's business.

10:41 — They snuck in a probably-not-live interview with Joe Torre in the dugout. It's been said in so many metro sports newspaper columns before, but it needs to be said again: Torre seems so much more relaxed and in love with baseball again because Seinfeld never did a caricature of Dodgers owner Frank McCourt. He wants more runs because the lead isn't safe with the wind blowing out. Maybe the bench coach should show him the Cubs' record in October and he can rethink his strategy.

Bottom 3rd

5 0

10:36 — All the cheering in the world couldn't get Soriano or Theriot to drive in Zambrano. (Hell, that's a lot of "O" sounds. Too many to be squeezed into one part of America's Lineup.

10:32 — With one out, Carlos "Curly" Zambrano tries to milk a quality at bat, and Chad Billingsley can't see the strike zone. (He's got his eyes closed.) Zambrano eye-pokes his way to a walk.

Top 3rd

10:26 — Three straight strikes on Matt Kemp gets the crowd into it. THIS IS THEIR YEAR! Okay now to score at least one run to be down by no more than four.

10:25 — Loney hits the ball to kinda-deep center field. For some reason, Jim Edmonds didn't stand in place for five seconds, then start running and make a great diving catch.

10:24 — It's a routine ball that was actually caught, Charlie Brown. Andre Ethier pops up to Theriot.

Bottom 2nd

10:20 — Soto's the first rookie catcher to start the All-Star game in a while. Good for him! But he struck out to end the inning, so we're even.

10:18 — Making the Cubbies jealous, the left side of the Dodgers field converts two groundballs into outs.

Top 2nd

5 0

10:13 — Zambrano gets the final out by K'ing Mr. Ramirez, and I'm sure he's pleased with how that inning went.

10:09 — It's gonna happen. You guessed it, a three-run double for Russ Martin. These five-run second innings sure are popular to-nite. Let's take a look at a picture from Wrigley Field sent to us by a Deadspin reader:

10:07 — Furcal sure at his Hustle-A-Roni this morning (Juan Pierre had a full unopened can in his locker) and bunts his way to a single, beating DeRosa's throw by a half-step. One more run for LA.

10:06 — Chad Billingsley is no Brett Myers, and strikes out quickly.

10:05 — Likewise, the non-scrappy part of the infield defense comes through as Derrek Lee gets charged an error on a routine ball to himself. Carlos Zambrano seems to be in a delicate situation with the bases loaded:

10:04 — The scrappy infield defense comes through as Mark DeRosa bobbles and throws wide to Theriot. Score one for the Avoiders.

10:01 — Carlos Zambrano looks to be in the early stages of Curly Howard fixing the bathbut in "A Plumbing We Will Go." Matt Kemp gets a serious brushback, but strikes out. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

9:59 — James Loney, on the hit-and-run, hits the ball to where Theriot was running away from. To compensate, he tries to catch it with his bare hand, which gives him as much a chance to catch it than if Edger Renteria used his glove. The ball bounces into the outfield, Ethier moves to third, and there are bros on the corners for Matt Kemp.

9:58 — They suggest maybe stepping out of the box will disrupt Zambrano's rhythm, because little things set him off. Of course, Gwynn says that's why they're not stepping out. !?! Andre Ethier battles back from an 0-2 count to snack a base hit. NO-HITTER BROKEN UP!

Bottom 1st

0 0

9:54 — A clear statement was stated in the first. "We will hit harmless fly balls to center field to blow scoring opportunities." Aramis Ramirez has written in the ivy. No more first inning.

9:51 — "The Cubs can make a statement in the first inning." And that statement is: "Well, it's been 100 seasons, what's another year? Derrek Lee whiffs out.

9:48 — Ryan Theriot hustled his little keyster off to strike out. If only more of you out there were more like Ryan Theriot.

9:46 — Billingsley's pitch trickles through catcher Russell Martin's legs. Heh. I said "trickle." Soriano takes second.

9:45 — I've always liked how Alfonso Soriano's swing looks cartoonish and two-dimensional from the behind-the-pitcher camera angle. But it got him a single, so I'm not really in a place to criticize.

9:45 — A cunning strategy by Lou Piniella. He's having Shane Victorino bat second.

Top 1st

0 0

9:42 — "Zammy embodying Zammy" damn well better not catch on, but he does cause Ramirez to strike out the way a free spirit would. Inning done.

9:40 — "Manny was Manny." That was way close enough for the slam-dunk square that shares its name.

9:39 — And we're off. Zambrano gets ahead of Rafael Furcal (in life and in the count) then takes him out by fielding a Don Knotts-weak grounder.

Still More Pregame

9:32 — God. If I wanted someone to narrate my life story, it would totally be Tony Gwynn.

Pre-Game Babble

This looks like Chicago's chance to even the series, because Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter this year and Chad Billingsley's only as well known as his Wikipedia page. But if LA can steal this game as well? Hoh. Lee. Christ. (By the way, ESPN's scientific process of using stats, video games, and dreidels are calling for a Dodgers-Phillies NLCS. So why fight it?)

People have asked me why I don't live blog the vice-presidential debate instead. Well, I just watched one blowout. I don't feel like covering another.

Back to the board games. How's our quest for bingo? Well, not great after one broadcast. Perhaps the midnight air seeps into the broadcasters' brains and spills a few great gems. One can only hope:

If Chicago goes on to lose this series, their Holy Dugout moment may be the only thing that fans remember.

The Cubs brought a heavy hitter to Wrigley Field on Wednesday afternoon, asking the Rev. James L. Greanias, a Greek Orthodox priest from St. Iakovos Church in Valparaiso, Ind., to spread holy water around the dugout to remove an alleged curse that has hovered over the ballclub since its last World Series appearance in 1945.

Actually make that 1908, since the Cubs lost that World Series. But who's counting? Certainly not Ryan Dempster, who didn't seem to be blessed with much control on Wednesday. Dempster, who appears to have been seated in the one spot in the Cubs dugout that Rev. Greanias missed with his aspergillum, tied a career high by walking seven over 4 2/3 innings, including three in the fifth. James Loney and Manny Ramirez, meanwhile, each put the biscuit in the basket to remove Chicago's home-field advantage.

Nothing the Cubs tried worked very well on this day. One Wrigley fan even tried to take out Manny with a baseball, to no avail.

A 31-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night at Wrigley Field for allegedly throwing a baseball at Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez during last night's Cubs playoff game. Paul Solans, whose address is listed in the 2200 block of North Lincoln Avenue, was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct for throwing the ball at Ramirez while the All-Star left fielder was playing his position, police said early Thursday. Ramirez, who hit a home run during the Dodgers 7-2 victory in Game 1, was not hit by the ball. Police said Solans was attending the game but could not say where he was sitting.

By the way, the Cubs have tried this holy water cure before. Didn't work then either.

Holy Water! Cubs Manager Tries Sprinkling Cure [NBCSports]
Fan Charged With Throwing Ball At Manny Ramirez [Chicago Tribune]
Dempster's Wild Night Costs Cubs [Chicago Tribune]

Series Schedule
Game 1: Wednesday, October 1, 6:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Lowe) at Chicago (Dempster).
Game 2: Thursday, October 2, 9:30 p.m. Los Angeles (Billingsley) at Chicago (Zambrano).
Game 3: Saturday, October 4, 10 p.m. Chicago (Harden) at Los Angeles (Kuroda).
Game 4 (if necessary): Sunday, October 5, TBA. Chicago at Los Angeles.
Game 5 (if necessary): Tuesday, October 7, TBA. Los Angeles at Chicago.

SEVEN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE CUBS-DODGERS SERIES

1. You'll See A Lot More Jim Edmonds than Reed Johnson. The strength of the Dodgers rotation is their righthanded pitching, and the Cubs, as luck would have it, are packed with righthanded hitters. The Wrigley folk don't really have a lefthanded guy (other than Edmonds, who is likely to hit one home run this series and go 1-for-12) to break up Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano, so on. None of the Dodgers starters are shutdown guys, but if Carlos Zambrano blows up in Game 2, as many fear, they're certainly more stable.

2. Oh, Yes, Carlos. Carlos Zambrano has had an active couple of weeks, and his no-hitter was the least of it. Actually, it might have been the problem: Lou Piniella (understandably) left Zambrano in to finish the no-hitter, but he went far past his pitch count. That — and the death of his grandmother, which necessitated an emergency trip back to Venezuela — might have had something to do with his last two starts, in which he has been shelled. Zambrano is either going to shut out the Dodgers or give up six runs in the first three innings. A team as talented as the Cubs could probably do without such wild fluctuation.

3. Sigh. OK, Fine, Manny. I've never understood why MLB still splits players' stats when they switch leagues midseason. Now that interleague play is here, no one differentiates between the AL and the NL anymore; I assume Brett Favre's stats from Sunday still count even though they came against an NFC team. (Actually, they came against the Buzzsaw, which might require a statistical adjustment.) Anyway, because Manny's stats are split, you can't quite tell how amazing he's been this year: 37 homers, 121 RBIs, .332 average. And with the splits, in Los Angeles in 53 games, he hit nearly .400 and slugged .743, which, if extended to a whole season, would be the 14th best mark of all time. (Fittingly, Barry Bonds and Babe Ruth each had FOUR seasons that were better.) That is to say: He's hotter right now than he has ever been. It might not have been the smartest career move, and it sure makes him look like a dick, but Manny is a terror right now.

4. Do They Really Want Those Guys Back? Obviously, Manny's explosion is the main reason the Dodgers took off in the second half, but another factor was the injury to Jeff Kent, which forced Joe Torre to finally take him out of the lineup. This allowed the Dodgers' young hitters (Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, so on) to benefit from Manny's presence, rather than the decrepit Kent canceling him out. Well, Kent's trying to come back now, as is Rafael Furcal, who said he used the last series of the season against the Giants as "Spring Training." As happy as everyone is to see such a friendly, amiable chap like Jeff Kent get one last postseason run — really! — it kind of feels like the old guys trying to shoehorn in on the phone. The Dodgers have been doing fine. Leave them be, you yokel.

(With thanks to my old pal CSTB.)

5. The Cubs Have Their Bullpen All Out Of Order. While watching the Cubs clinch the division over my beloved Cardinals at Wrigley Field a couple of weeks ago, I had one pleasing moment: When Piniella pulled Carlos Marmol (who was destroying us; it was clear every Cardinal gave up after the first pitch) for Kerry Wood in the ninth inning. Wood did the job, but Marmol is a decidedly scarier guy to face; Wood can be shaky, to say the least. So don't despair, Dodgers fans, if you're down by one going into the ninth after being blown away by Marmol.

6. Don't Bother Going Into Work Friday, Cubs Fans. Not to harp on the lateness of these games, but Game 2, thanks to TBS, is starting at 9:30 p.m. ET, and that's assuming the Brewers-Phillies game beforehand is on time. Now, I don't mean to imply that Cubs fans might be a little rowdy after drinking all day and night before an absurdly late local start time, but, well ...

7. The Fear. Cubs fans have done an admirable job of putting a brave facade of confidence this season. My friend MIke, who loves the Cubs the way I love the Cardinals, goes so far as to say that this team has no historical connection to the Cubs' past whatsoever, that he doesn't even worry about "history" and "curses" and "the fact that we're talking about the Cubs here." But you wait: The minute something goes wrong in these playoffs — and something will, no matter what happens — the fans are going to revert immediately back to The Panic. It's inevitable, and the players will feel it too. If they can recover from that moment, when all looks lost, when the Cubs remember they're the Cubs, they can pull this off. But I remain less than convinced.

PREDICTION
Zambrano gets smoked in Game 2, but the Cubs sneak one out in LA. Game 5 comes down to Kerry Wood against Manny in the top of the ninth. Hmm. Well, for now: Cubs in five.

• Mets 7, Cubs 6. So New York just might make the playoffs after all, and it would be a shame if Mr. Met caught a cold and missed it all. Carlos Beltran made sure that the final three regular-season games at Shea Stadium would be relevant with his two-out, game-winning single in the ninth — off the glove of first baseman Micah Hoffpauir — as New York remained in a tie with Milwaukee atop the wild-card standings. The Mets split the four-game series and moved within a game of idle Philadelphia for first place in the East. So, three game remaining at home with the Marlins, and they might have to put off the Shea demolition for a couple of weeks. One question though: Just how far out of the baseline are you allowed to go to avoid a tag at the plate? Can you actually go into the stands?
Remaining schedule(s):
Mets: Three games versus the Marlins.
Cubs: Three games at Milwaukee.

• Padres 7, Dodgers 5. Should a team be allowed to pop champagne after losing to the Padres? Please look into this, Mr. Selig. That's just what the Dodgers did on Thursday, backing into the NL West title after St. Louis beat Arizona 12-3 in an afternoon game. That clinched things for LA, which still had to wait until after its night game with San Diego to celebrate. And part of that celebration was on the field, which was weird. Oh, and then there's this: Following the game, Dodgers manager Joe Torre said he received a text message of congratulations from Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin. Dude. LOL. No word yet from Dodgers superfan Alyssa Milano, but if you want to ask her about it, she'll be at Busch Stadium in St. Louis tonight modeling clothes from her TOUCH collection.

And no, it wasn't a "Horry Kow" shirt, nor was it this, or even this. It was just a garden variety shirt of the type pictured above. The reasoning by this person's boss was that the name "might be misinterpreted" by others at work. And yet Doris in accounting wearing her Dick Trickle NASCAR jersey is totally fine. Hypocrites.

Details are scarce in the post, and I would urge Rumors and Rants to get back to us and provide directions to this workplace, so that we can mount an organized protest (please, no "Erin Andrews Sexytime" signs).

Meanwhile, more Cubs bashing, this time by Sports Illustrated, which showed its hatred for the franchise by featuring the team on its cover this week. Fear and loathing commences over at Home Run Derby, which has an interesting rundown of previous SI jinxes involving the Cubs.

What A Fukujoke [Rumors And Rants]
The Chicago Cubs And The Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx [Home Run Derby]

According to Chicagoist, the ban is wide-reaching, with the boundaries for the cutoff zone being" Sheffield between Irving and Newport, Clark between Irving and Newport, and Addison from Wilton to Racine," which I'm assuming is pretty much takes care of all the bar areas near Wrigley. I'm sure the owners of those bars must be thrilled with this idea.

But don't frown too much, Cub sots — liquor sales could resume once the game is over, according to Ray Orozco, executive director of the city's Office of Emergency Management and Communications. At that time, it's perfectly reasonable to binge away the 100 years of sorrow and urinate on yourself and your loved ones, as much as you want.

City may curb booze near Wrigley [Chicago Sun-Times]

*****

Tonight: It's Tuesday. Go stretch your legs and walk the dog. Or spend some time here figuring out the comment thread-thingie. Please? I really would hate it if new technology has everybody spooked.

Tomorrow: TBD.

Thank you for your patience during these inevitable changes. Your continued support of Deadspin is much appreciated. What's that? Oh. Right. Skeets.

Anyway, you'll eventually end up hearing a lot more about this game, down the line — and aren't you ecstatic about that? — but because this is the final week until the baseball playoffs start, I'm gonna stick to the NFL. Because, this week, it's something that will make people in Chicago miserable. And they could use some of that.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-3). Fantastic stat from the invaluable St. Louis Post-Dispatch: The Rams didn't reach their opponent's 20-yard line until their 119th play of the season. Earlier in their loss to the Seahawks, they recovered a fumble at the Seattle 23. Three plays later, it was fourth-and-12. And you know what? I still have a fear they'll sweep the Buzzsaw.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3). In lighter times at Arrowhead, Larry Johnson used to make fun of Herman Edwards in press conferences.

At this point, Larry-Johnson-as-Herman-Edwards has to be considered a legitimate candidate to coach the team, doesn't he? I hadn't realized the Chiefs had actually lost 12 in a row. Their next winnable game looks to be Thanksgiving weekend.

30. Detroit Lions (0-3). It has been since 2001 — 2001! — that Matt Millen has been in charge of the Lions. Therefore, it's easy to forget that, back before this destruction all started, he was, in fact, a rather awesome NFL analyst. Weird, right? It seems odd to think that Matt Millen was ever competent at anything. I keep imagining him walking into doors, or peeing in the sink, or putting his pants on backwards.

29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3). I have found that Cincinnatians (Cincinnatities? Cincinnatiarians?) tend to find it frustrating that the rest of the country mostly just knows them for Pete Rose, racial strife and "WKRP In Cincinnati." I agree that the brilliance of WKRP doesn't make up for the ugliness of the first two ... but man, it's closer than you'd think. I caught WKRP on a rerun while trying not to sleep the other night, and, dammit, that show was funnier than I remembered. That Gary Sandy, too ... what a hunk!

28. Oakland Raiders (1-2). I know it's all settled now, but wouldn't it have been great if Lane Kiffin had just kept winning, like, 10 in a row? Al Davis clearly was going to fire him after his next loss — because Al Davis is fucking insane — and I don't doubt that he would have done it even if the team were 11-1. I hope he never dies. Promise me he'll never die.

27. Houston Texans (0-2). I'm writing this from a suburban Starbucks in Lisle, Illinois, and I have decided that the people who hang out in a Lisle, Illinois Starbucks at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday are the human equivalent of the Houston Texans. Except I can easily ignore the Houston Texans.

26. Cleveland Browns (0-3). I don't think there's ever been an easier preseason pick for Team Everyone Will Grumble About Having To Watch On National Television In November than the Browns. The good news is that Brady is coming soon. By the way, remember that ESPN Magazine piece about how Braylon Edwards was branching out to become a multimedia star? That hasn't quite worked out, even though I see him on my Yahoo fantasy page every day, doing his thing, popping in every once in a while to say, "Most definitely" while our world descends into chaos.

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-2). I swear to God, if this boring, sloppy, uninspiring team ends up sneaking into an NFC West division win again — and I'm pretty sure they will — I'm only watching the WNBA this January. Wait: Does the WNBA play in January? Oh, here's a fun tidbit I learned while reading Athlon's NBA Preview on the plane yesterday: JaVale McGee, the Washington Wizards' first round pick this year, is the son of a former WNBA player. I can't believe I didn't know this. This news stuns me in about 13 different ways.

24. New York Jets (1-2). So, have we decided yet which modern-day aging rock band equivalent this is? An Aerosmith tour? Sex Pistols? Metallica? I tend to think it's kind of like a Smoking Popes reunion. Sure, Favre looks (sounds) pretty much like he used to, but somehow diluted, tired, uninspired, in a way that makes you question his earlier work. But still: It's better than the band being broken up.

23. San Francisco 49ers (2-1). After my "controversial" piece for NY Mag about why the Olympics are sports for people who don't like sports, I have a bunch of people ask me, "OK, wise guy, what does make a real sports fan?" I have no idea, of course, but here's a sign you're not one: If you watched the Emmys the other night.

22. Miami Dolphins (1-2). I had a lot of fun the other day trying to convince a friend of mine that Ronnie Brown was not left handed, making his touchdown toss that much more impressive. I don't know I found this funny; I never even let him in on the "joke." I'm now convinced Leinart should switch to his right hand, though. Can't hurt.

21. Chicago Bears (1-2). Now that the Bears have lost two crushing games in a row, I think Bears fans could use a pickmeup.

Freeze!

20. Atlanta Falcons (2-1). Matt Ryan has the team off to such a nice start that I'm pretty sure he's gonna sign with a European team in the next couple of weeks. It makes sense: I think one Euro is worth about $45,000 right now.

19. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (2-1). A friend of mine, who has never had any particular connection to any NFL team, has decided to follow the Buzzsaw this year because he "likes Kurt Warner." I tried to warn him, but to no avail. We get the Jets in East Rutherford this weekend. Either we're gonna finish the easiest part of our schedule 2-2 — and therefore be doomed — or every Jets fan is absolutely going to freak out next week. Losing at home to us is always good for opposing fans' existential crisis.

18. New Orleans Saints (1-2). This is probably a little low, actually. I was thinking of Spike Lee's Katrina documentary the other day, how it started a career resurgence for him that apparently is going to end with the lamentably poorly reviewed "The Miracle At St. Anna." Did anybody else notice him in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium the other night? It's nice to know Spike has a StubHub account.

17. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). Boy, I sure can't wait until the Patriots-Colts game this year, can you? John Madden is going to sound so depressed.

16. New England Patriots (2-1). I know, it's already been played to death pretty much everywhere, but I will never, ever tire of Bill Belichick's "we were competitive in the kicking game" quote. The craziest thing is that it's probably the best compliment Belichick has ever given his team.

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1). Brian Griese threw 68 passes Sunday. Brian Griese! 68! It's third-most all time in a single game. So you'd think Brian Griese would be the last person who would go so nuts. But look at the other people who have thrown 68 passes in a game: Drew Bledsoe, Vinny Testaverde, George Blanda and Jon Kitna. That's not THAT far off, is it? The college football record, by the way, is Drew Brees' 83 passes, on my 23rd birthday. And his mom is still not impressed.

14. Minnesota Vikings (1-2). You'd have to think that by now, even if Gus Frerotte ends up getting hurt (and no idea how that might happen), Tavaris Jackson won't be quarterbacking this team anymore. The other backup is John David Booty, who I hope ends up starting, so he become the third USC quarterback with a lead job in the NFL who isn't Matt Leinart.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-2). Couldn't possibly agree with Drew more: I am really going to have to watch Philip Rivers — THAT guy? — become one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL over the next few years? I'm trying to think of a less likable quarterback, and the best I can come up with is the heyday of Kerry Collins. Who, of course, everybody kind of likes now.

12. Washington Redskins (2-1)). I think it's funny when people still have active MySpace pages; not to sound like a social networking nerd here, but seriously, uh, unless you're a struggling band or a practicing prostitute, I can't fathom why anyone wouldn't use Facebook at this point. (Or Friendster, of course.) Anyway, while searching for Jason Campbell, I found his team-sponsored MySpace page, which even they have abandoned at this point. But hey, he's friends with Joe Gibbs. I still miss the tubby Joe Gibbs.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2). I'm feeling more confident about my Super Bowl pick, though the schedule still isn't getting any easier. My favorite story of the Jack Del Rio era is still when his punter cut his leg with the motivational axe. You really can't trust punters around shiny objects.

10. Carolina Panthers (2-1). Honestly, the Panthers' schedule is ridiculous. I am outraged about this — outraged! — but not nearly as outraged as the brilliant and psychologically fascinating Andrew Sullivan is about Sarah Palin. Still. Andrew Sullivan is one of the best political minds working right now, and Gov. Palin has reduced him to a sputtering fountain of empty, wonderfully entertaining fury. He actually responded to news that the VP debate would not have a "loose format" because the McCain campaign worried it would "leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive" by saying, simply, "Are you fucking kidding me?" If President Palin ends up starting World War III in a couple of years because she saw an image of Christ in a yoga mat during a Pilates class, Andrew Sullivan is going to be one satisfied piece of nuclear vaporized particles.

9. Baltimore Ravens (2-0). Speaking of politics — because I never, ever have anything to say about the Ravens — the Presidential debates begin Friday, in Oxford, Miss., home of William Faulkner, John Grisham, Joey Lauren Adams and Wright Thompson. I really quite love Wright Thompson's stuff at ESPN — and what he did for Genarlow Wilson will outlast just about anything anyone's ever done a blog, and his Yankee Stadium piece this week was so much better than it had any right to be — but I kind of think his Wikipedia page might be self-hosted. It contains the line, "Thompson started his sportswriting career while a student at the University of Missouri, covering Missouri sports and writing as a columnist for the School of Journalism's Columbia Missourian. He loved digging into Spaghetti Red at the late, great Nichols Lunch." Of course, mine includes a reference to Catch, which I'm pretty sure no one has ever, ever read. Anyway, there's a debate Friday.

8. Green Bay Packers (2-1). While we're discussing ESPN writers, I just finished Chuck Klosterman's Downtown Owl, and it's pretty great. If you're one of those people who don't like Klosterman — and there are more of you out there than I ever would have thought — it's so unlike his earlier work that you might even enjoy it, if you give it a chance. As someone who knows that feeling of growing up in a small town, being vaguely depressed for absolutely no reason at all and feeling pretty certain that every day is both the most important day of your life and totally meaningless ... well, the book was right in my strike zone. (Klosterman is a Packers fan, by the way, which is why this is here.)

7. Tennessee Titans (3-0). Just to piss off Iracane, I'm going to talk about my keeper league fantasy team. It's the same league I've been in since I was a freshman in college, and you keep 14 guys a year. That is to say: If you draft someone, they're pretty much yours for live. This year, I ended up with Chris Johnson, Eddie Royal and Tim Hightower. And I'll still probably finish in last for the next decade.

6. Buffalo Bills (3-0). It's becoming clear that the Bills are going to still be undefeated when they come to the Pink Taco in a couple of weeks. I had no idea everyone in Chicago hated Dick Jauron, by the way.

5. Denver Broncos (3-0). Do you realize that there's a possibility Jay Mariotti might take over Woody Paige's old spot at the Denver Post? Or will it be in New York? Pittsburgh? (My money's on Pittsburgh, or Yahoo.) Rick's absolutely right: Beware, American, he could be coming to YOUR TOWN NEXT.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1). During the Steelers' final "drive," I was actively disappointed not to see the Steelers' offensive line carrying Byron Leftwich down the field, like in that famous Marshall game. What seemed heroic at the time now simply looks like nice men carrying the broken old man down the field. He's like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. It's like they were Segways.

3. New York Giants (3-0). I hope everybody likes the NFC East, because they have the best three teams in football right now. The Giants have a bye week this week, which is sad, because that means it won't be the same time as the Jets'. That never happens. It's a shame: For one weekend, it would be nice for New Yorkers to have the same NFL Sunday entertainment options as Los Angelenos.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1). I have to say, Deadspin readers, you really need to start cheering for the Phillies to collapse. Can you imagine what it's going to look like around here if the Phillies are in the playoffs and the Eagles remain one of the best teams in football? You thought I was bad in October 2006? This site is going to come equipped with splash guards.

1. Dallas Cowboys (3-0). I recommend everyone check out the oddly mesmerizing Orwell Diaries Blog. I think Orwell would have been a great sports blogger. He would have enjoyed "Hard Knocks," I suspect.

Now, of course, these photos don't show anything that revealing other than a few shots of Soriano and Wiesen nuzzling together. However, according to the Cubs' 2008 media guide, Soriano is married to a woman named Angelica, mother of his four children.

But this isn't about Fonzie's (supposed) infidelity — its' about Keri and her willingness to jeopardize Mr. Soriano's marriage in an effort to increase her own Facebook visibility and, perhaps, her dream of becoming the next Sylvia Plath.

Wiesen lists her current employer as Hugo's Frog Bar and Fish House, where she's a hostess and Oak Bank, where she's a "personal banker."

Keri is also an Obama supporter, "FUN", a rap fan (AKON!!!) and lists her personal favorite quotation as "YOU SURE YOU WANT ME? because I'M AN EXPENSIVE BITCH", which I believe is from Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther.

The sad part is, Wiesen will probably get better playoff seats this year than Leo Hildebrand.

Hildebrand, seated in a wheelchair before the game, had player after player shake his hand and sign a baseball, some promising at one point to ``get it done today'' — the clinching of a second straight National League Central title. But the team kept secret the plan to have Hildebrand throw out a first pitch until just before the scheduled 2:55 p.m.game time start. Pitcher Kerry Wood was to break the news, escorting Hildebrand to the mound.

As late as last week the Cubs had said they weren't going to let Leo pitch, but they finally relented, probably thinking what the hell, he couldn't be any worse than Neal Cotts. Also, no one had the heart to tell him that wasn't actually Christy Mathewson he met.

104-Year-Old Cubs Fan Gets Wish To Toss First Pitch [Chicago Sun-Times]

Ray of hope, however: Milwaukee is only 1 1/2 games behind the Mets in the wild-card race. They have nine remaining in the regular season, and things look favorable with three at Cincinnati, three at home against the Pirates, and then three at Wrigley to end the season, when the Cubs should already have home field advantage in the playoffs well clinched.

On Tuesday, Prince Fielder seems to have taken exception to Cubs fans who were calling him Cecil during the game, referring to his estranged father. Fielder responded by hitting two homers, but struck out to end the game, when this photo was taken (Journal Sentinel photo by Benni Sieu, who also gets props for getting FSN reporter Trenni Kusnierek in the frame. Via Sports Bubbler). Milwaukee lost 5-4.

On Thursday, Geovany Soto hit a three-run homer with two out in the ninth to tie it, and Derrek Lee singled home the winning run in the 12th for the Cubs, whose magic number is now 2. Man, you hate to lose like that.

Cubs 7, Brewers 6 (12) [NBCSports]

But it was not to be. Cubs spokesman Jason Carr — who in his spare time steals Christmas gifts from Whoville residents — said that the team "can't accommodate everyone." Yeah, pretty lame. But perhaps to stem a flow of negative publicity, the Cubs said that they will bring Leo to a game this weekend and let him sit in the Cubs dugout.

David Marggraf, the executive director of the senior living community where Hildebrand lives, said the Cubs were "very, very helpful." They offered him four free tickets and the chance to meet the players before the game.

John McCain received six free tickets.

104-Year-Old Cubs Fan Won't Get To Toss First Pitch [Chicago Sun-Times]

• The Most Interesting Man In The World On Hits. No. With the city in ruins, their billionaire idiot owner was finally convinced to move the games somewhere else. But with that same hurricane dumping rain over the entire midwest, the only suitable place was a crappy little dome 90 miles north of Chicago. Filled with Cubs’ fans, it wasn’t even close to a home field for the Astros. No Astro hit the ball hard. Only two hit the ball to the outfield. Hell, Carlos didn’t even let them hit the ball near Alfonso Soriano all night. [Desipio]

• History! Cubs's Z No-Hits Astros 5-0. And the raucous Miller Park crowd — 99% Cubs fans, a handful of Brewers fans looking lost, and two or three lonely-looking Astros fans who got booed every time one of them appeared on the Jumbotron — got on its feet for every pitch of the ninth inning. There's nothing like it in a regular-season baseball game, the tension of each out of the ninth inning of a no-hitter. Carlos Zambrano made that inning look easy. Two groundouts to Ryan Theriot and his tenth K of the night — on a low, outside splitter to Darin Erstad — he had his first career no-hitter, a 5-0 win over the Astros, and in my opinion, only Kerry Wood's 20-K game ten years ago was a more dominant pitching performance by a Cub in my lifetime. [Bleed Cubbie Blue]

• Zambrano No-Hits The Astros In A 'Neutral Park'. How disheartening must it have been for the entire Houston staff to have just weathered a hurricane with their families, have to go through a logistical whirlwind of travel, and then play a game in a hostile environment in spite of MLB's claims to the contrary? I just can't help feeling that Zambrano was able to no hit the Astros because they were shell shocked. [Houston Crawfish Boxes]

• Brilliance. If there was any doubt about Z’s health, that should be gone. And don’t look now, but all the Chicken Littles should note that the Cubs have now won three in a row, and lowered the division magic number to just 7. Yes we can? [The View From The Bleachers]

• The Big Z Gets The Big No. This is the first Cubs No-No since 1972. Z did it in an almost un-Z-like 110 pitches. Not bad, considering Lou wanted to limit him to 100. But with the 100th pitch being thrown in the bottom of the 9th inning, Lou may not have made it back to the dugout if he had tried to take Z out of the game. Z may have also been helped before the ninth began, as he was scheduled to bat fourth in the inning. He didn't get a chance, as the Cubs went 1-2-3, but the fact that he had to mentall prep (and we know Z takes every AB importantly) may have allowed him to ignore the fact that he was heading into the ninth without a hit. [Towel Drills]

• Astros Facing 'Homefield Disadvantage'. The homefield disadvantage, however, was no laughing matter. The Astros took exception with how the entire situation was handled, beginning with the decision in the wake of Hurricane Ike to move the games to Milwaukee — a hop, skip and a jump north of Chicago. "This is not a home game," manager Cecil Cooper said. "This is definitely advantage Cubs. That's the bottom line." The Players Union lobbied for the games to played in Atlanta, while several other cities were considered as well. Ultimately, the Commissioner's Office insisted on the games being played under a roof. More than 23,000 showed up for Sunday's game. Loosely estimated, 22,997 were Cubs fans. In Berkman's estimation, the games "might as well be played at Wrigley Field." [Houston Astros]

Drayton McLane's boys in alternate home red (as they were the putative home team) fairly well laid down, providing Zambrano with 13 ground balls and 10 strikeouts in a contest Houston management had no taste for as long as it was in Milwaukee. However, the Astros bowed to external pressure (aka Lord Selig) and accepted the Milwaukee location, much to the chagrin of Astros fans and every email we received on the topic today from Cubs and Astros fans alike.

Alfonso Soriano's leadoff homer provided all the offense Zambrano would require. The Cubs pounded on Randy Wolf in the third like Randall Simon-on-oversized-sausage in the third for good measure, though.

For Houston, a six-game winning streak collapses in exile and a day game awaits in just a few hours. For the Cubs, their magic number shrinks to seven with the dual Brewers losses in Philadelphia Sunday.

And for Zambrano, concerns about overworking a rather hefty man just coming off desperately needed rest may still arise, but he never seemed to labor for any of his 110 pitches and only walked one.

Baseball obviously takes a distant second to more serious issues but in terms of making the Astros road to the playoffs much more challenging, this change of events could really hurt their chances.

While the Cubs had a typical three game weekend series scheduled in Houston, they will play one of those games on Sunday evening and another on Monday afternoon. The third game will be played, if needed to determine a playoff spot, on September 29th.

One interesting fact about the games being moved to Miller Park in Milwaukee is that the upper deck and bleachers sections will be closed to fans. The only effect that will have on the game is to mimic the vibe of some place a little more sunny, like say Tampa Bay.

Are the Brewers the New Mets?

Milwaukee, who looked to be cruising into the post season just a few short weeks ago, has dropped 9 of 12 including yesterday’s loss at the hands of the Phillies ace Cole Hamels.

The Phillies got things going early on Saturday and scored 5 runs in the first two innings following the lead off hits by Jimmy Rollins in both frames. Ryan Howard says what all of Philadelphia knows, "Jimmy's the catalyst. When he goes, we go.”

Inclement weather has also set up the Phillies and Brewers to play two games today at Citizens Bank Park with the Brewers sitting two ahead in the NL wild card hunt. Two Phillies wins today would put the Fightins in a tie with the floundering Brew Crew.

If J-Roll can find a groove over the next two weeks, the Phillies are in the playoffs.

I’ve Got a Splitting Head Ache This Morning

There were all sorts of double headers yesterday with Boston-Toronto splitting a pair as well as the Yankess-Rays and the Mets-Braves. The second Mets loss was particularly enjoyable because it came in a game started by Johan Santana. New York’s bullpen must hate that guy and we love them for it.

Surging Twins

While the White Sox sat idle due to the weather, Minnesota went out and took two from the O’s to move into a tie with Chicago atop the Central. Baltimore, who has lost 17 of 20, was hoping the rest of their season could get rained out.

Fading Diamonds

Arizona lost in extra innings last night after the Reds managed to come from behind earlier in the game. To rub a little more salt in the wound, it was former Diamondback Micah Owings, the “player to be named later” in the Adam Dunn deal, who drove in the winning run for Cincinnati.

• What, No Shirtless Dan Patrick? The 25 sexiest sportscasters in the world. Count them down with me ... [Co-Ed Magazine]

• Irony, Thy Name Be Gorzelanny. Remember the Pittsburgh Pirates' promotion a while back in which they distributed Tom Gorzelanny bobblehead dolls? You know, the ones that appeared to be giving the finger? Well, Gorzelanny was put on the DL by the Pirates on Thursday due to an injury to his ... middle finger. [The Angry T]

• Carl Monday's Work Has Been In Vain. State with the highest number of porn site visits in 2007 was ... Ohio. [610 WTVN-TV]

• Once Is Never Enough With A Cub Like You. One man's speculation on the sex lives of the Chicago Cubs. Funny. And by that I mean, deeply disturbing. "Felix Pie — Has never got past first base." [Cubs Championship Corner]

• 1. New York Mets. Record: 81-63. Magic number: 16. Why they're doomed: Bullpen woes; chiefly Billy Wagner, who is currently planning a comeback in time to play in the 2012 Olympics. Upcoming: They don't play the Phillies again. So there's that. Ray of hope: Carlos Delgado has four multihomer games in the past 13. Had two on Tuesday in 10-8 win over Nationals.

• 2. Philadelphia Phillies. Record: 79-66. GB: 2 1/2 (3 in wild-card race). Why they're doomed: Fate would never allow a repeat of last year's Mets collapse. Upcoming: Big four-game series beginning Thursday vs. the Brewers. Ray of hope: Brett Myers has a 1.55 ERA since his return from the disabled list.

Central

• 1. Chicago Cubs. Record: 86-58. Magic number: 14. Why they're doomed: On the 39th anniversary of the Ron Santo black cat incident, the Cubs lost to the Cardinals 4-3 when former Cub Cesar Izturis got a check-swing grounder to second that scored the winning run in the ninth. This prompted a classic Lou Piniella eruption after the game in which he said "You have to get your damed sleeves rolled up and go out and kick somebody's ass." Further bad news: Their best healthy starter, Ryan Dempster, couldn't hold a 3-0 lead in the sixth. Upcoming: Chicago has 18 games remaining, including five with St. Louis, three with Houston, six with Milwaukee and four with the Mets, all of whom are in playoff contention. Chicago goes into this brutal stretch having lost seven of its past eight. Ray of hope: They're still hitting the ball. Geovany Soto, who has 21 homers, was named player of the month, and Kosuke Fukudome should be back in the lineup today.

• 2. Milwaukee Brewers. Record: 82-63. GB: 4 1/2 (lead wild-card race). Why they're doomed: With Chicago struggling, Milwaukee has failed to take advantage, losing seven of its past nine, including a 5-4 loss to the Reds in 11 innings on Tuesday. Brandon Phillips got the winning single after breaking a finger on a bunt attempt. Upcoming: Six games remaining with the Cubs, including three at Chicago beginning Sept. 16. Ray of hope: CC Sabathia can carry the team by himself on those beefy, meat-lovers-pizza-eating shoulders.

• 3. St. Louis Cardinals. Record: 78-66. GB: 8 (3 1/2 in wild-card race). Why they're doomed: Five games remaining with the Cubs, whom the Cardinals have not beaten in a season series since 2004. Ray of hope: Albert Pujols is unconscious, having hit homers in past three consecutive games.

• 4. Houston Astros. Record: 78-67. GB: 8 1/2 (4 in wild-card race). Why they're doomed: I'm not even sure the Astros realize they're still in contention, let alone anyone else. Also, climbing over two teams is nearly impossible. Upcoming: Of 17 remaining games, five are against the Pirates and three against the Reds. Ray of hope: Who has the best record in the majors since the All-Star break? The Astros have won four straight and 12 of 13.

West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers. Record: 74-71. Magic number: 16. Why they're doomed: Takashi Saito, Brad Penny Rafael Furcal are still out with injuries. Upcoming: Of 17 games remaining, six are with San Francisco, four with Pittsburgh and four with San Diego. Ray of hope: Andre Ethier is smacking that; had five hits and five RBI on Friday, and has his average up to .299, making him a nice compliment to Manny.

2. Arizona Diamondbacks. Record: 71-73. GB: 2 1/2 (10 1/2 in wild-card race). Why they're doomed: Brandon Webb and Dan Haren are each are 0-3 in their past three starts, and Randy Johnson injured his shoulder yesterday chasing kids off of his lawn. Upcoming: After having lost five straight, try to get back on track this afternoon against the Giants. Then it's three against the Reds. Ray of hope: Adam Dunn.