"When people wish the worst on people, you have to be careful because the baseball gods are going to get you,'' Guillen said. ''He was not asking just for my job, he was asking for thousands and thousands of people's jobs over the years. I'm not going to say I will get the last laugh because I will get fired from this job. But the day I get fired is the day I lose interest in this game.

''Am I enjoying this? Yes, because he tried to make my life miserable. He did everything in his power to make my life go the wrong way, but he didn't make me miserable because I don't believe him. Maybe if somebody else wrote that stuff about me, then I would put attention on it. And that's what he wanted. He wanted attention. He has to thank me because I gave him a lot of [stuff] to work with. I know I helped him the last four years to make his money, and, obviously, he did not help me at all to make my money.''

The Sun-Times' Chris De Luca collected several love notes to Mariotti in a column today, including the above from Guillen and this from White Sox broadcaster Ken Harrelson:

'It's about time,'' said Sox broadcaster Ken ''Hawk'' Harrelson, another favorite target of Mariotti's. ''I know one thing, when he got that [contract] extension three or four months ago, he wouldn't have signed that extension if the things he's saying about the Sun-Times now were true. So he's spinning it again."

Now if the White Sox could just win the World Series this year, Guillen would probably — as Carl Spackler said in Caddyshack — be so fulfilled that he would achieve total consciousness. So he has that going for him.

Sox On Mariotti's Split: 'It's About Time' [Chicago Sun-Times]

"Oh that's easy, White Sox. I'm not one of those fair weather fans. The Cubs, they're nice, you go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, the beautiful people out there, people aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox; that's baseball."

Ha. I don't know if this is true, but I have seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off, so I have an idea. Obama was also asked who his running mate would be if he had to pick an athlete. After first saying Walter Payton — perhaps not knowing he passed away in 1999? — he then went with Michael Jordan. "He's a winner. I'd just keep feeding him." To which I respond: Is it too late to switch?

Obama: Cubs Fans 'Not Serious' [Chicago Sun-Times]

Pierzynski was awarded third, and Alexei Ramirez then singled to give Chicago a 6-5 win, vaulting it into first place in the Central by a half game over Minnesota. It was Eddings of course who called the notorious dropped third strike in the 2005 AL championship series between the White Sox and Angels, in which Pierzynski scampered to first as the Angels were running off the field. Chicago went on to win that game as well.

Jim Thome hit his 534th homer — tying Jimmie Foxx for 15th on the career list — and Carlos Quentin also homered for Chicago. Rocco Baldelli hit his second homer in three days and Carlos Pena gave Tampa Bay a 5-4 lead with a run-scoring double in the seventh.

The second base umpire called interference on Rays third baseman Aybar, ruling that he bumped the runner after a throw toward second. Replays showed that Pierzynski initiated the contact, hitting Aybar with his left elbow before comically falling to the ground. And once again a referee is fooled by a dive.

"As a runner, you're allowed to do that,'' third-base umpire Ted Barrett said. "What Doug ruled at second base was, even though A.J. did kind of stick his arm out to make contact, Aybar was still in his way. So A.J., if he would have turned, he wouldn't have been able to continue on to third. So after making the throw, Aybar is no longer in the act of fielding and he can't obstruct the runner, which is what Doug ruled happened. And in a rundown, even though A.J. was going back to second, the rule of obstruction during a rundown is he gets his next advanced base and that's why he was rewarded third base."

I'm looking atthe replay agin as I write this, and there's just no way; Pierzynski should not only be called out, but suspended three games for having the effrontery to even try that.

Tampa Bay is 4 1/2 games head of Boston in the East.

The lawsuit claims McCormack molested the unnamed boy at Our Lady of the Westside School in September 2004 and again at a White Sox game in August 2005. Archdiocese spokeswoman Colleen Dolan said the lawsuit is "not a new case" of abuse. She said the lawsuit is the "finalization of a legal process on this particular case."

Remember back when you were a kid and it was cool to see nuns at baseball games? Well, that's still cool. Priests at White Sox games...not so much.

Family of alleged McCormack victim sues archdiocese [Chicago Sun-Times]
Priests and White Sox games may not mix well [Land of Dave Corzine]

Backup catcher Toby Hall said his right shoulder was fine after teammate Jermaine Dye blocked his attempt at placing a shaving cream pie in his face during a post-game interview following the Sox's 13-5 win over Seattle.

Hall had his right shoulder wrapped in ice but assured reporters he didn't not re-injure his shoulder, which he separated in spring training of 2007.

Next thing you know group sex with the blow-up doll is going to be off limits too.

Close Shaves [Hardball: Chicago Sports Blog]
Shaving Cream Pies are Dangerous [Luol's Dong]

With 41 games remaining in the regular season, the White Sox have 19 at home — where they're 21 games over .500 — and 22 on the road. The Twins have 18 home games remaining, and 24 on the road. That includes a stretch of 14 straight away games from Aug. 21 through Sept 4, due in large part to the Republican National Convention, which takes over Minneapolis-St. Paul Sept. 1-4.

Minnesota only trails Chicago by a half game right now. But for a team hovering near first place, the Twins have been terrible on the road; 26-31. And the White Sox are a tremendous home team at 39-18. So put your money on Minnesota at your own peril.

Carlos Quentin and Jim Thome each had two-run homers in the third to pace the White Sox on Sunday. It was league-leading No. 32 for Quentin. Meanwhile, Minnesota lost to the Royals, 5-4, in 12 innings.

"Every time you have a bad game," manager Ozzie Guillen said, "and you bounce [back] the way we bounced today — especially when it's 3-0 before you even take the field — I think that was a great comeback. I think everybody did what they were supposed to do."

Mike Lowell's three-run homer off Gavin Floyd on an 0-2 count in the first had given the Red Sox a 3-0 lead.

Quote of the day from Floyd: "Oh my gosh, I feel like I put some menthol shampoo on and it's cooling my head down," he said. "The pressure's off now, I've got no hair, so just focus on Oakland."

"Oh yeah, oh yeah," said Ortiz. "Papi knows when the ball is gone, but I guess Mother Nature doesn't want me to hit it out tonight. The wind was blowing really hard tonight."

White Sox pitcher Contreras fell to the ground in the second inning after attempting to cover first. The official word is that he's out for nine months. Dice-K got his 13th win of the season while Boone Logan took the loss and probably a ticket back to the minors. The series stands split with the rubber match later today.

• Astros' longballer Carlos Lee is out 6-8 weeks after getting hit by a pitch in Houston's 3-1 win over Cincinnati. Lee has 28 home runs this season and leads the league in RBI's with 100. Lee is on the 15 day for now with a broken pinky.

• The Twins have found themselves in first place, following an outstanding outing by Liriano and a late game offensive surge by the Twins. Their 7-3 win over the Royals included a 5 run sixth inning following a two run homer by Delmon Young in the second. The Twins were able to take first place in the division after the White Sox loss to Boston.

• Things turned ugly when Phillies manager Charlie Manuel headed out to the mound to pull Brett Myers from the game. After having words on the field, the two continued to quarrel nose to nose in the dugout. Myers had a stellar game before that, allowing only one run and five hits in just over seven innings. The Phillies went on to win 4-2 and Manuel and Myers kissed and made up after the game.

“I’ve hit people before on purpose,” said Guillen, the Chicago White Sox manager, after a game Sunday in which umpires levied a suspect ejection in the fifth inning of a blowout when Chicago reliever D.J. Carrasco hit Kansas City’s Miguel Olivo with the bases loaded and incited a bench-emptying square dance. “Yes I have,” Guillen continued. “Because that’s my job. Protect my players.”

Guillen was ejected by umpire Gary Cederstrom after the brawl, when Olivo charged the mound. From Yahoo Sports:

“Sometimes people have to have a little bit of common sense,” Guillen said. “I’m talking about the umpires, I’m not talking about Olivo. You think I’m going to bring somebody in to hit somebody and they’re going to throw a fastball 82 (mph) at the hands?” Guillen said. “I’m going to bring in my best guy and make sure he gets it done. That’s Major League Baseball. That’s baseball. That’s the baseball I grew up with. Not the (expletive) they play right now.”

But anyway, at least White Sox-Royals games should always be interesting for the next few years. Here's the video of the fight, if you haven't seen it.

Brawl-Marred Rout Pushes White Sox Out Of First Place [Chicago Tribune]
Ozzie Admits To Ordering Past Retaliation [Yahoo Sports]

From the Chicago Tribune:

McHenry County authorities say three Chicago Cubs fans face felony battery charges after allegedly beating a Chicago White Sox fan so badly he lost his right eye. The men are accused of beating 32-year-old Robert Steele of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl's Sesame Street-themed birthday party. Police said Monday the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19th party and taunting Steele.

Look, if this is the way you're going to behave, we're not going to let both of your teams be good during the same season ever again.

And where is so-called Super Grover when you actually need him?

Cubs Fans Accused Of Beating White Sox Fan [Chicago Tribune]

Owner of one of the greatest of all nicknames, The Cuban Missile played six seasons in Cuba before coming to MLB via the Dominican; having tried out for several teams before agreeing to a deal wit the White Sox. And those teams that didn't want him were who, exactly? Ramirez hit his first career grand slam on Tuesday, also against the Rangers. Chicago won on Wednesday 10-8.

Too bad, Ichiro Suizuki ... on any other day, you would have been going home with a duffel bag stuffed with wands.

Ramirez' Flip Play [MLB.com]

Guillen has made his e-mail public, so White Sox fans far and wide can tell him how spectacular a job he's doing, or just anonymously insult him without imminent threat of physical retaliation. Chicago Tribune writer Rick Morrissey decided to test the account to see if Guillen really did check it. The writer fired away numerous semi-anonymous, timid, annoying messages to Guillen to see if he'd bite. None of them did — until Morrissey sent this one that "ripped" Guillen for this car dealership ad:

Ozzie:

I just saw your car dealership ad with Piniella. You should stick to managing. 77-year-old Jack McKeon can rap better than you.

Rick

Surprisingly, this irked Guillen enough that he felt compelled to write back:

You have to be stupid. Get a life, loser. I hope you have no kids. They have to be like you.

This back-and-forth went on for another few emails until Morrissey finally achieved his goal. He later fessed up to Ozzie about his experiment, who took it surprisingly well. Guillen said the ground rules for emailing him are easy to follow. Complain about the lineup. Question his judgment. Tell him how much better the Cubs are this season. But...:

"But when they say things about my family or 'Go pick coffee beans back in your country,' I get mad. I say, In my country, we don't have coffee, but we got a lot of oil."

You know the rules. You've been warned.

Guillen really does answer his email [Chicago Tribune]

Wood's salute occurred on Saturday during the Cubs' 6-5 loss. I have it on good authority that he did it for a critically ill child. JIMMY: "If you could give the finger just once, for me, I know that I could get out of this bed and walk again, Mr. Wood." KERRY WOOD: "I'll do better than that, Jimmy! I'll flip the double bird! You just keep your eyes on that TV screen, OK?" On Sunday, homers by Carlos Quentin, Brian Anderson and Jim Thome paced the White Sox, with Mark Buehrle getting the win. As a bonus, Lou Piniella was ejected for the first time this season, after arguing on a checked-swing call in the second inning.

Of course, all of this is due to the weather, according to Bleed Cubbie Blue. Damned global warming!

• Spank The Yanks. The Subway Series is over, the Mets prevailing 4-2. Please settle all bets. And you in the back, who asked "What about the World Series?", please exit this post quietly. I said GOOD DAY, sir!

• Shawn Riggans Drinks Your Milkshake. When perusing the schedule back in March, who thought that the Red Sox-Rays series that begins tonight would be for first place? You did? ... I call you LIAR! No one thought that, including the Rays. But here it is the halfway point in the season, and Tampa is 49-32, a half-game ahead of Boston in the East. Shawn Riggans homered to lead the Rays over the Pirates 4-3, while the Red Sox were losing to Houston 3-2. Tampa Bay has the most victories midway through the season by a team that had the majors' worst record the season before, according to Stats, Inc. And don't forget: Fisticuffs have been promised for tonight!

• Alyssa Milano Will Not Stand For This. Freaky happenings in southern California. John Lackey threw a three-hitter over 8 2/3 innings, and Francisco Rodriguez pitched the ninth for the save as the Angels beat the Dodgers 1-0. On Saturday, Jered Weaver and Jose Arredondo combined on a no-hitter, but the Dodgers won 1-0 on an unearned run. So those Dodger fans keeping score at home (that would be Greg Brady and practically no one else), that's three hits over two games.

• Hi, We're The Slowskis. Kevin Slowey threw a three-hit shutout to beat Ben Sheets and the Brewers 5-0. It was Minnesota's 11th win in 12 games; its 10-game winning streak ending Saturday in a 5-1 loss to Milwaukee. Delmon Young had a two-run homer.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Jose Bautista, Pittsburgh Pirates. Very Brooks Robinson-like, or cat-like, if you please. It's fun to get your uniform dirty! Wizard Cat gives this play, six wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Such a heartening sight, seeing Cubs and White Sox fans come together to stomp the shit out of a bothersome fan in their midst. But what could elicit such solidarity? Busted Coverage had the report and video:

The Sox fan near the pole was talking trash from the beginning, so in the 4th inning he started talking about the guy in the Thome Jersey’s “family”…then an old guy stepped up and off they went…

A good minute goes by with no security, the guy gets owned by a bunch of cubs and sox fans.

he still fights the security…continues struggling, as his eye is black and swelling shut, they handcuff him throw his shirt over his head and get him out of there.

Sounds like he had it coming. Next time you'll think twice about messing with JI

JIM THOME.

Despite getting the catchy nickname of "One of the most consistent hitters in the game" by teammate Matt Murton, Aramis Ramirez failed to take advantage of a lead-off double in the 9th by Derrek Lee. With one out and Lee on third, Bobby Jenks forced the Cubbie into grounding out weakly to short when a sac fly would've sent the game to extra frames. Carlos Quentin took Carlos Marmol deep in the 7th to put the Pale Hose up 6-5 for good. Today the White Sox try to avenge the sweep at Wrigley earlier this month. Call it a hunch, but the camera may not be checking in with Kerry Wood today.

For The Departed, An Ankiel Sighting- The Cardinals finally solved the noisome riddle that is the Kansas City Royals, getting their first victory in five games against K.C. this year. Rick Ankiel had a two-run homer and Mitchell Boggs allowed one run in six innngs to improve to 3-0.

Tigers Reach .500-hood - Todd Jones did his best to stave it off, but Le Tigre have finally made their way back to a .500 record thanks to a 7-6 win over Colorado that was quite rife with blown saves. Miguel Cabrera knocked a two-run double in the bottom of the 9th off Rockies' closer Brian Fuentes to make Detroit 14-3 over their last 17 games.

Delcarmen Being Delcarmen - The less celebrated Manny in Boston surrendered three runs in the 8th, including a go-ahead two-run double to Lance Berkman, as the Red Sox fall to the 'Stros 11-10. Berkman started the game 0-3 with three strikeouts against starter Jon Lester, but came back with two instrumental hits about Lester was pulled. Boston wasted four-hit games by Mike Lowell and Dustin Pedroia.

What you missed while abusing your new monkey rights...

• MLB: Cubbies discover solo homers aren't the answer when the other team puts up 10 runs.
• NFL: The Rog has been reading the Cooley Zone, calls rookie deals ridiculous. Matty Ice counters that the Falcons give everyone ludicrous contracts.
• Tennis: Day 6 of Wimbledon is in progress, but without Ana Ivanovic, who got bounced yesterday. Maker breaker, we've got a DO NOT WANT.

Dempster is now 9-0 at home — he must like the smell, or maybe it's the rats — and Aramis Ramirez hit his fourth home run over the past three games as the Cubs beat the White Sox 7-1 on Sunday night. It was the Cubs' 14th straight home victory to improve their record at Wrigley to 32-8. They're 48-28 overall; best in the majors. The Sox aren't doing too shabbily themselves, by the way; at 41-34 they lead the Central by 1 1/2 games ahead of the Twins. Eric Patterson had his first major league homer, a two-run shot in the fifth to give the Cubs a 4-0 lead. White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, who on Saturday told Sun-Times columnist Rick Telander that Cubs fans are ''idiots,'' was 0-for-4 on Sunday.

• If Jerry Could Just Keep His Mouth Shut ... Ken Oberkfell will be manager of the Mets before we know it. Jerry Manuel calling Mets' fans "fertilizer" isn't going to win friends, or any votes to keep him on after his interim status expires. New York has won three of four, however, after Sunday's 3-1 victory over the Rockies in Denver. Carlos Beltran had a two-run homer.

• Mark It. Mark Teixeira must really like the orange unis — which is more than I can say for myself — as his three homers led the Braves to an 8-3 win over the Mariners. Two of his homers were from the left side. Chipper Jones (.393) sat out with a strained right quadriceps.

• Epic Fail. Speaking of unis, take a look at these sweet, sweet duds. The Royals and Giants were honoring Negro League baseball with the throwbacks, and San Francisco indeed threw one back, blowing a 10-3 lead to lose, 11-10. Mike Aviles had a double and three RBI for Kansas City, who won in a mere three hours, 59 minutes.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Eddie Richardson. Despite being only eight years old, Richardson can really flash the leather in a backyard game of catch, but most importantly can name every player in the Major Leagues, by position. Color Wizard Cat impressed. Wizard Cat gives this kid: Five wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at wizardcat@live.com

If the White Sox are going to come out of Wrigley with a win in this series, they'll need a good performance from Javier Vasquez. The Cubs counter with Ryan Dempster, who cannot possibly be this good. I'm going to call it a weekend, but I expect all of you DUANers to play nicely with each other. When in doubt, just do as Chicagoans would do and enjoy the game.

• This should make for some interesting conversation at the Pants Party [The Sports Hernia]
  
• NHL Shop sells Ovie Hart Trophy shirts before the award is officially handed out. If it's on a T-shirt, it must be true. [Mister Irrelevant]
  
• A Pavlik-Lockett and De Leon-Lopez preview [Ring Report]
  
• Tony Romo improves his golf game. Joe Simpson can't wait to caddy for him. [The MERKIN]
  
• Kosuke Fukudome interviewed by a sumo wrestler. Even he thinks that name is funny. [Screwballs]
  
• Kenny Williams helps his own. Maybe a little too much. [UmpBump]
  
• Pocono 500 preview - Who said the honeymoon was over? [Ridebuyer]
  
• LEAVE FRANK MCCOURT ALONE! [So-Cal Sports Hub]

We told you on Tuesday about the White Sox sex doll shrine, constructed by Chicago players to help the team bust out of its slump. But while this type of thing makes good sense for river rafting, it makes very little for baseball, and on Tuesday White Sox front office types ordered manager Ozzie Guillen to remove it. And then, suddenly, magic. Floyd, who held Detroit hitless for 7 1/3 innings on April 12, came even closer to the no-hitter this time; walking three and striking out four, throwing 105 pitches. The Twins scored an unearned run in the fourth. Jermaine Dye had a leadoff homer in the sixth, and Carlos Quentin had a two-run single in the seventh. And once again the Phillies are left wondering if they should have brought in a couple of plastic blowup women while Floyd played for them.

• Erin Andrews Curse Lives On. Nothing sadder than this photo, my friends. Poor Joba. I speculated a while back about the Erin Andrews Curse; an hypothesis which was derided here and roundly criticized by the scientific community. But despite what Andrews later said about the interview with Chamberlain, I know Joba said something inappropriate there on camera. And the fact remains that in the short time since that interview, he has suffered the only two losses of his career, with his ERA ballooning to 3.38. David Dellucci's pinch-homer in the eighth against Chamberlain — a three-run shot — gave the Indians a 5-3 win over the Yankees on Tuesday.

• Dodgers Cannot Be Stopped. Inside-the-park home run. Wheeee! Blake DeWitt's second career homer was a pinball job, a fifth-inning drive that New York right fielder Ryan Church just missed at the top of the right field fence. The homer was the winning run in the Dodgers' 5-4 victory; their ninth win in 10 games.

• Um, Fire Millen? That's all the Tigers needed at this point; freaking knuckleballs. Tim Wakefield threw an eight-inning, two-hit shutout as the Red Sox beat Detroit 5-0. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez had back-to-back homers on successive pitches, as the Stockings won their fifth straight. Detroit has lost five straight.

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying "Let's Go White Sox" and the other reading "You've Got to Push," the National Post in Toronto reported.

Guillen, of course, defended the shrine, saying "I'm sure it wasn't done to disrespect anyone. . . A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. . . If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don't really know much about baseball."

Duly noted. He is right about that. There was a time when struggling baseball teams used real live women in the locker room as slump-busting shrines. You've got to push...

White Sox Doll Blow Up [Chicago Sun-Times]

Here is the tirade, which had been appropriately [Bleep]-d by newspapers in the transcript. I don't know why newspapers and "family" publications continue to do that even though we know, for the most part, what the actual quote is. I've done my best to replace the [Bleep]-s with what what I assume was the offensive language Guillen actually used to give some more color and accuracy to this story:

Right now, everyone in Chicago is making lineups, 'Call up this guy, call up that guy. If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media — they forget pretty quick. A couple of days ago, we were the [cunt]ing best [veiny dicks] in town, now we're [taint fuckers].''

Asked why that is, Guillen pulled no punches.

''Because maybe the manager is an ass[licking ball-nibbler],'' he replied.

'We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[spooge],'' Guillen said. ''The Cubs haven't won in 120 years, and they're the [cunnilinguiling]ing best. [Finger-bang] it, we're good. [Finger-bang] everybody. We're horse[spooge-swallowers], and we're going to be horse[spooge-swallowers] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We're the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner — the guy's got seven [nut-tickle]ing rings, and he's the [midget-fuck]ing horse[spooge-swallowing] owner.''

I'm curious to see hear the audio version to see how close I was.

Ozzie Guillen on White Sox: 'We're the Chicago Bitch' [Fanhouse]

The loss snapped New York's three-game winning streak. Chamberlain struck out two and retired the side in order in the eighth, but Carlos Quentin's one-out double and Crede's line single to center in the ninth did him in. "I only threw one curveball and that's the one that got hit," said Chamberlain, not mentioning his fateful interview with Andrews. "The disappointing part is that I let my team down." The Yankees have been saying for quite some time that the hype surrounding Chamberlain — who has pitched all of 33 1/3 innings in the big leagues — is getting out of control. And now he apparently says something inappropriate to Andrews, and knocks his career off the tracks. Yes, Joba Chamberlain flew too close to the sun, and now must fall back to Earth to fend for himself like other mortals. Pray for him.

• Rags To Riches Story. The tattered David Ortiz jinx jersey — the one that Yankees officials had dug up from beneath their new stadium earlier this month — sold at an eBay auction for $175,100 on Thursday. The Red Sox then went out and lost to the Angels, 7-5, powered by Gary Matthews Jr.'s two-run single in the seventh.

• Frank Is Back. Oakland's cleanup hitter looks familiar ... hey, it's Frank Thomas. The Big Hurt is back, having agreed to terms with the A's after being released Sunday by the Toronto Blue Jays. He went 0-for-3 with two walks, the A's scoring six runs in the first in an 11-2 win over the Twins. Donnie Murphy had solo homers in the fifth and sixth innings.

• Things Looking Up In Washington. Felipe Lopez tied a career high with six RBI thanks to a homer and a two-run single, leading the Nationals past the Mets 10-5. Meanwhile, Elijah Dukes finished his probation by mopping out zoo cages, and should be back soon for Washington.

• Giants Not In Last. Tim Lincecum (4-0, 1.23 ERA) extended his scoreless streak to 16 1/3 innings beating the Padres 1-0. Rich Aurilia homered for the only run. San Diego is 7 1/2 games behind the front-running Diamondbacks in the West.

• Today's Quiz. OK, are the Tigers officially back, or are the Rangers just that bad?

(UPDATE: Andrews says she was talking to her producer, and that Joba's fine.)

And if I keep saying that, perhaps it'll be true. Dontrelle Willis had five innings of no-hit baseball, although seven walks were included in there. Once the sixth inning arrived, the White Sox finally began to hit the baseball with bats issued to them in the dugout, piling on four runs en route to a 5-3 victory.

...And The Horse You Rode In On. Kosuke Fukudome, through five games, has been a pretty solid foreign investment. He and Derrek Lee roughed up Roy Oswalt, and used his lunch money to buy candy from the vending machine. Lee went 4-for-4 with a 2-run home run, and Fukudome went 2-for-4 (he's batting .500, how Zen of him) with a pair of runs driven in. Kerry Wood earned his second save, and he seems rather healthy this time. For once the swinging axe missed him completely on his way back to the locker room.

Andy Capped. The long-awaited — I'm sure at least someone was looking forward to it — return for Andy Pettitte to Yankee Stadium failed to provide quality pitching. He allowed five runs in five innings, including a three-run homer courtesy of Jonny Gomes, as the Rays won 6-3, taking the first two games of this four-game showdown. Gomes had 4 RBIs in all, while Edwin Jackson pitched six innings, allowing one measly run, which was produced by Alex Rodriguez, of course. Proving baseball players are no different from the rest of us, in that we all go down there to retire and die, Troy Percival closed out his first game in almost two years for Tampa.

Pet Peavy. You might have trouble picking Jake Peavy out of a lineup, provided he was standing in a row with pitching machines loaded with nothing but knives and napalm. Peavy was practically perfect, lasting the entire game and allowing just one run, two hits and a walk, striking out eight in a 4-1 Padres victory over the Dodgers.

What Is This, Soccer? That improved pitching we've heard so much about down in Texas showed itself, allowing just two runs to the Los Angeles Angels of Neighboring City. (Good.) Unfortunately, the Rangers themselves only got one run against Jeff Weaver. (Bad, bad, BAD. Feel bad all night and flog yourself bad.) The Angels held on to win 2-1 thanks to Weaver's seven scoreless innings. Kevin Millwood pitched a complete game in the loss.

Billy Crystal, DNP. The guy who struck out Billy Crystal fared poorly against the Marlins, who granted are pretty close to the athletic talent of fading Jewish comic legends, but slightly better. Paul Maholm struck out nine but allowed five runs in five innings, including a grand slam to Mike Jacobs. The Marlins ended up winning 7-3.

1. Detroit Tigers. We know the pitching is a bit of a mess, but man, we really just can't get past that lineup.
2. Cleveland Indians. It's amazing how they became the hot World Series pick right after Gammons started touting them.
3. Kansas City Royals. We always, ALWAYS overrate the Royals. This happens every year. We don't
4. Chicago White Sox. How old do you think Jose Contreras really is? We're going with 44.
5. Minnesota Twins. Remember when Joe Mauer was the next face of baseball?

That's it, we're done, predictions as always, awful.

Claire Zulkey brings it daily at Zulkey.com. Her words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Well, the Sox are not celebrating their 100th anniversary of being World-Series-free, nor are any of their high-profile players starting off the year mired in the steroid scandal, so I would say they're already ahead of the metaphorical game. But the literal game? Well.

On a personal note, I didn't get the chance to follow my team as closely last year as I normally would have, which meant giving up some personal satisfaction in Jim Thome's 500th home run, Mark Buerhle's no-hitter or Bobby Jenks' tying the record for retiring 41 consecutive batters. Other than those highlights, though, I didn't miss much. But I have no excuses this season, and if I'm a true Sox fan I'm not about to stay away just because the team might not look as good as it did in 2005. Due to my mental absence last season, in addition to my own thoughts on the season, I've recruited a few friends and loved ones to assist with the prospectus, to make this ChiSox outlook as comprehensive and crabby as possible.

Last season the offense seemed pitiful despite some of the big bats in the lineup. Now, the acquisition of Nick Swisher and Orlando Cabrera plus Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez means that we might not look as sad against lefties like C.C. Sabathia (who I've come to expect on opening day the way I expect the weather to bring about much glove-muffled clapping.) Plus, Pablo Ozuna no longer has that broken leg, and as much as I liked Tadahito Iguchi, he'd have a higher percentage than him if he started at second base. If given a chance, too, Jerry Owens could be a decent leadoff man, plus we need another base stealer with Scott Podsednik gone.

"All things considered, the offense should be improved, but, as my Dad always said, winning is 80% pitching," says my dad, Ed Zulkey. "In 2005, we had four really solid starters and, for most of the year a great bullpen. Last year, the starting was erratic and the bullpen was the worst in baseball, except for Jenks. This year, it should be improved with the acquisition of Scott Linebrink and Octavio Dotel. The key will be the starters. Last year Buerle was uncertain if he would be traded and now has security. Javier Vazquez looks good. Jose Contreras, our ace in '05 and first half of '06 was awful last year and he needs to return to his old ways when he won three post-season games. Then, we will start two young guys, John Danks and Gavin Floyd, who must contribute, but there are good arms available. This is all very iffy, but it is for almost all teams today." With the Sox considering Bartolo Colon, I think fans would rather look towards some fresh untested talent than a vet who's nearly out of gas, because we have been there and done that, David Wells.

Currently only nine players of the original 2005 team remain, although I'm not one to reminisce about the old times just for old times' sake. That's fine for going through the photo album but it's not practical when it comes to dealing with the season at hand. Jon Garland seems like he'll be missed personally by the organization but if the team is lucky with the new pitchers his absence won't be too painful. Joe Crede will definitely be missed but hopefully a trade can give Josh Fields more chances to live up to his potential. Mark Buerhle, who is the heart and soul of the team is still there as well as the big guy, Bobby Jenks, and my would-be husband, Paul Konerko.

"Despite your devotion to Paulie, I believe the Sox will try to trade him if the opportunity arises," says my dad's friend Randy (the two of them like to call each other after Sox games and hash out what the score should have been.) "They need another starting pitcher and the Angels have that in Ervin Santana. I am worried about going with Danks and Floyd, not to mention what we get out of Contreas. Also, Crede will be traded, most likely, for pitching. Swisher can't be an everyday centerfielder, so trading Konerko opens first base up for Nick to play. Maybe the Sox get Chone Figgins from the Angels along with Santana. Figgins brings speed, plus he can play center field."

Williams' trades or lack thereof will only seem genius or idiotic with time. "They didn't get Torii Hunter, which is probably a blessing in disguise, 'cause he's aging and overrated and plays for those damn Twins whose fans always have this giant, Scandinavian smug and pleasant condescension that drives me nuts," says my friend Joe Drogos, who has only lived out of state when he hasn't lived on the South Side. "I'm much more hurt that they didn't get Rowand back. I actually spent a lot of time writing a letter to the editor when he got traded. He, Buerhle, Jenks, Thome, A.J. Pierzynski, and Konerko could form a fan-favorite hall-of-fame, especially in Bridgeport. Instead, they got this knock-off Rowand, Nick Swisher, whose very name (and hairstyle ) suggests something considerably less manly than Thome's "I'm your dad who works at the Peoria Caterpillar plant and stars in the company 16-inch team on weekends" look.

We got a couple middle-relievers, but I just want Buerhle to have a few seasons where the team is hitting behind him, the relievers are winning the games he's setting up, and he's taking crossbow practice in the bullpen during off days. Let's give this pudgy bastard the success he deserves, you know?"

I'm can't predict whether the Sox, with the moves they've made, have any hope in the postseason and my ever-gloomy South Sideness also leads me to be cautiously pessimistic, especially with the Tiger and Indians looking good once again. But it felt like last season was full of missed opportunities and a team that did not add up to the sum of its parts. It does seem like Kenny Williams and Jerry Reinsdorf are trying, and I just want that to translate to the field. Plus, Ozzie Guillen seems to be promising that he'll be meaner, more loud and foul-mouthed than last season, which at the very least would add up to more excitement. As my friend Leonard Pierce says, "I feel like this could be a pretty good year for the boys. So many bizarre trades that make no sense have been made, I think something good has gotta happen — the last time Kenny made this many goofball trades was in '05 when we won it all."

Well, I don't know about that, but if it's a rebuilding season, I'm fine with that as long as it doesn't feel like the team has given up by the time summer rolls around.

It's in honor of our troops. But it looks like it should be in honor of our nation's hunters. Their hats should be bright orange.

Plus, Thome's homer had the disctinction of winning a game for the White Sox; breaking a 7-7 tie in the ninth for a walkoff 9-7 win over the Angels. Rookie second baseman Danny Richar had tied it with a two-run homer in the eighth, setting the stage for Thome, who was 0-for-11 since hitting his 499th homer on Wednesday. Other great stuff about the clout: As he rounded third, Thome slapped hands with base coach Razor Shines; the fact that the Sox have a coach named Razor Shines gives me great joy. Thome was then carried off the field by Jermaine Dye and Bobby Jenks — possibly the only two teammates strong enough to lift him — as the crowd cheered and refused to leave until chased out by security. Then, the fan who caught the ball met with Thome after the game and gave it back to him. Will Stewart, an accountant from Austin Texas, was given two season tickets by the team, which he then announced he would be donating to the charity of Thome's choice. But that's not all ... it is said that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen's heart grew three sizes that day. "The guy is special," Guillen told the Chicago Tribune. "He plays the game right, he respects the game, he respects the fans. I tell our young kids, 'You want to look up to somebody, that's the guy you look up to, on the field and off. He's a great man.' I don't think there's anyone in baseball who will say anything bad about Jim Thome. He's what we need in this game." And they all lived happily ever after. Oh, and the White Sox are still in last place (waa-waaaaa).

There's also a heartwarming feature on the White Sox home page about a "typical White Sox family" who have been brought closer together by attending games at Cellular Field. Click on the sixth item in the flash stage. Now look at the kid's forehead. Is that some sort of protest? Wasn't Iguchi traded in July? Will that wash off?

• Yankees, Red Sox Bid So Long, For Now. So the Red Sox hold a somewhat substantial 4 1/2 game lead over the Yankees in the East after losing to them, 4-3 on Sunday. But since New York officially won the season series, 10-8, Boston fans have to be a little concerned. Will the Sox be able to handle them if they meet in the playoffs? Hey, it's a legitimate concern. Derek Jeter's three-run homer off Curt Schilling broke an eighth-inning tie, and Marino Rivera got David Ortiz on a pop out with the bases loaded to end the game, as the Yankees beat the Red Sox for the sixth time in seven games. New York leads Detroit by 2 1/2 in the wild-card standings.

• Marquis Performance. Matt Murton had a three-run homer, and Jason Marquis threw a seven-inning one-hitter as the Cubs beat the Cardinals 4-2. The Brewers beat the Reds 5-2; leaving Milwaukee one game back in the Central.

• Jake The Giant Killer. If you're thinking of not voting for Jake Peavy for the NL Cy Young, then here, I'm afraid I shall slap you with this fish, sir. His ERA is 2.39, he leads the majors with 225 strikeouts and he won his 18th game, 5-1 over the Giants.

Catching a fly ball against the backdrop of dozens of retina-searing white lights can't be easy. Every now and then, you're going to lose one ... and in such instances, you're going to stand there and look like a chump. It happens to the best of them. But that doesn't make it less amusing.

By the way, that clip was created with Flip4Mac Trial. I felt obligated to point that out.

Darin Erstad is Awesome [YouTube]

We love how the baseball world stops when someone throws a no-hitter, no matter what the circumstances or context. Mark Buehrle's no-hitter last night was like any other no-hitter — a little better than most, actually, if not quite perfect — but that is enough to make it the talk of every sports fan this morning, and will be again the next time it happens. (We'll all watch Buehrle's next start with that quiet hope he'll pull a Vander Meer.) Heck, it's enough to make you understand why people would pour beer on his head in the middle of the field. That looked cold.

Almost Perfect [South Side Sox]

Tickets are $63.07 and include "and all-you-can-eat buffet and all you can drink wine, beer, and soda (soda, ha) from 5:30 up through a half-hour into the game." It's on "The Patio," from "the right-center field warning track." (We're going to assume that means in the stands, not actually on the warning track.)

The date is Friday, May 11, a night game between the Chicago White Sox and the Kansas City Royals. The whole matter was organized by commenter PeteJayhawk, and you can buy tickets through his MySpace page.

We haven't been to Chicago in a while — we have friends who have had children we haven't met yet, and even though we never quite know what to do with tiny children (they don't respond to poop jokes yet), we need to meet them — so we're gonna go. And since this is the last week you can buy them, we thought we'd remind you to do the same. It'll be fun!

Deadspin Midwest Pants Party [PeteJayhawk MySpace]

Everyone says it's the toughest division in baseball, but we think it's just the mostly hotly contested: You could pretty much interchange any of those top four teams and not sounds like a fool. But those Royals ...

Here's last year's predictions. And here's this year's:

1. Chicago White Sox. If this doesn't happen, and the ChiSox end up on the other end of this spectrum, Mr. Ozzie could be in trouble, and that would be a sad day.
2. Detroit Tigers. It's so cute when Gary Sheffield pretends to play nice for a little while.
3. Cleveland Indians. We will no longer believe in this team, which is probably why they'll win it all this year.
4. Minnesota Twins. Yep, that really is Sidney Ponson.
5. Kansas City Royals. As much as we'd love to believe ...

All right, whaddya got? We suspect you think we have the Twins too low, and you're probably right.

This might be our favorite quote from him in a while, actually. Guillen was asked, while talking about a past reunion of the 1983 White Sox team, if he thought there would ever be a 20-year reunion of the White Sox 2005 champions. His response was achingly true to life, which is why it was hilarious.

''Those ceremonies — 'Oh, let's bring back those guys from 2005,' we're all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because his dad was on the ballclub — fuck that,'' Guillen said. ''I don't need that bull. A bunch of fat guys, another one is broke. 'Hey, where's your ring?' 'Oh, I don't know, I sold that son of a bitch two years ago.'''

We guarantee you, in 20 years, A.J. Pierzynski is going to show up to the ceremonies just to meet girls and brain some guy.

Reunion Tour [Chicago Sun-Times]

This guy was spotted in the stands of the White Sox-Cubs spring training game yesterday, and though we're not quite ready for that kind of fierce crosstown rivalry business just yet — it's like trying to have an argument too early in the morning, before you've had your IV of coffee — we like the spirit of it, for March. But we're not quite sure what the shirt is supposed to mean. Which guy is the Cubs fan again?

Well, we're about a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Chicago White Sox. Your author is Claire Zulkey.

Claire Zulkey brings it daily at Zulkey.com. Her words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

When I first sat down to consider the state of the 2007 White Sox, I zelt ambivalent, jaded. The 2006 season was a strange one for me as a fan — it began with a bit of World Series hangover. I attended Opening Day, but after sticking it through a freezing rain delay for an hour or so, my companion and I had a couple of Kosher dogs and headed home. We got no "Your World Champion White Sox" fanfare, no chance to scream for our favorite heroes from 2005. It felt like an omen for the season ahead.

Yes, I was excited for baseball to return, yes I loved the White Sox, but that hunger, that desperation from seasons before was diminished. The battle cry for 2006 was a repeat, but I knew deep down it was unlikely to happen. It would have been great to establish the ChiSox as a perennially contending franchise, and not some random fluke team, but nothing reminds you of how damn long and hard the baseball season is like Opening Day in Chicago, where most typically you have to wear mittens and a scarf. I remember, back in the Michael Jordan Bulls era, how we just knew that we'd repeat our championship. It was a given. I didn't have that feeling last season with the Sox. So what was the point?

My lack of excitement for the 2006 season paid off with a frustrating year — the Sox had the components to be as good as the 2005 team, but it just didn't click. They missed so many opportunities to move baserunners, the team chemistry seemed to have cooled and maybe most significantly, Mark Buerhle was just off — he wasn't pitching well, he wasn't pitching fast and he seemed down. Everyone is familiar with Ozzie's big mouth, but Buerhle makes up a great deal of the clubhouse soul, so when he was in a funk, so were the rest of the people at US Cellular Field. The magic just wasn't there. Although the team was just good enough to get me hopeful, at the end of the summer we failed to take advantage of the biggest opportunity of all: the Tigers slipping. I was glad that the World Series was mercifully short and that I could put baseball behind me and focus on the football season ahead.

I might need a few more weeks to get over that, too.

The offseason moves that the team made this last winter didn't do much to excite me, either. Buerhle's, Jermaine Dye's and Tadahito Iguchi's contracts are very publicly in question, which never exactly seems to inspire loyalty or focus on the season at hand. Promising pitcher Brandon McCarthy was dealt away, and the acquisition of "vets" like Darrin Erstad can make fans fidget. We're told our new pitchers are promising, but they're still largely untested — velocity is well and good, but how about accuracy? As of last week, no, I wasn't very excited for White Sox baseball.

I almost felt that maybe somebody more keyed up than I should be writing the season preview, since it seemed like it would be bad luck and bad reading.

But then, something happened.

Kenny Williams got mad.

Kenny Williams, our general manager, seems to have graduated from the Tiger Woods Speech and Dental School. He strikes me as a nice guy who really cares about the team, but as I said, I found his offseason moves uninspiring. So did the Chicago media. "Williams' moves head lengthy list of worries for Sox" read a February 4 headline in the Chicago Tribune. While Williams is accustomed to being second-guessed by the press, recently, he seems to have gotten a bee in his bonnet.

"I have to be honest. Despite what you might be reading or hearing, I am as excited about our winter as I have ever been since I've been sitting in this chair," he wrote in his "State of the Sox" email to fans. I'm not 100 percent convinced that he's built a rock solid foundation for another championship team, but the fact that he cares enough to get riled up when the media doubts him gives me hope. Maybe this new crop of freakishly tall pitchers will make for a solid bullpen. Maybe Toby Hall will be a good backup to AJ Pierzynski, especially at bat against lefties. Maybe the fans will feel the jacked-up prices on their tickets were indeed worth it. Maybe there is a fire under our ass after all — if not to get the championship back, just to prove that we are indeed quite serious.

Some things still concern me. If Mark Buerhle can't bounce back, I don't think we have a chance at the postseason. Can Scott Podsednik stay healthy, let alone raise his batting average? Will he still be cute? Can this team convince me they're really a team, and don't just wear the same uniform — despite the back office dealings that become front page news?

It wouldn't be Chicago White Sox baseball — or any kind of baseball — without the doomsday predictions and cautious optimism. I'm curious to see what this 2007 season brings, and curiosity brings hope, and hope springs eternal (until the first bad slump of the season).

Lets's go go-go White Sox! I'm with you all the way. Mostly.

It's pretty rare that the epic comedic trilogy of Oprah Winfrey, douching and White Sox slugger Jim Thome unite for a good ole middle-aged Midwesterner gigglefest ... but today is that day.

Seriously, you haven't lived until you've watched Oprah ask Jim Thome about vaginas. You really haven't.

We are not against mass hallucinations as a potential explanation of psychotic phenomena — did you see the No. 1 movie in the country this weekend? — but in this case, worry not, flu buggers of Deadspin Nation: You didn't imagine it in a cold fevered sweat. White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski was indeed on the "Jerry Springer Show" on Monday. He was more like a "guest bouncer," which we don't understand and is likely a position invented for Pierzynski because he called and begged to be on, probably to impress his children, because that's the kind of guy A.J. Pierzynski is.

It's funny, because we always thought that, for as unpopular as Pierzynski is among pretty much everyone in baseball, he had a tongue-in-cheek mindset to it, what, with all the wrestling and general assheadedness; like he was in on the joke that he was a dick. Now? Now we are not so sure.

AJ Pierzynski Goes Classy [Sportable]

A 22-year-old Franklin man was arrested and charged Tuesday night with indecent exposure after employees at Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts on Mallory Lane told police he was exposing himself to customers and masturbating in the store, according to a news release.

Ryan M. Drop also was charged with marijuana possession after Franklin police searched his vehicle.

We do share the lament of White Sox fans, who now must go through the same (or similar, anyway) torment as Ohio State fans did when Mr. Cooper did his filthy little business. Though, considering that shirt, maybe he really was looking for fabric.

Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure At Crafts Store [Dickson Herald]

(Thanks to monster commenting intern Rob Iracane for the heads-up on this.)

The incident took place on Friday night according to the El Nacional newspaper and the two victims were treated at a hospital and then released. Uribe and his brother, Elipidio, thought that the victims walked too close to their jeep, according to a police report.

Dondolin Alessandro, a captain in the Italian Navy, suffered wounds to his stomach and hands. Antonio Gonzalez Perez, a farmer who tried to intervene, suffered a left-elbow injury but was treated and released.

Details are still filing in — Baseball Musings had the original Spanish language report, but we are empathetic to Mr. Uribe's plight: We've gunned down people for so much as looking at our jeep before.

Report: White Sox's Uribe Part Of Probe [Forbes]
Juan Uribe Shooting [Baseball Musings]
Do Not Steal From Ugueth Urbina. Seriously. [Deadspin]

• 1. I'm Pretty Sure I Didn't Want That Undercoating. Our headline for this item comes from a commenter (Parker91), referring to the film Fargo, we'd guess. But it may also apply to our home team in the Motor City, which should have gone for that unpopular new-car option. Detroit's once-proud 10-game lead in the AL Central was reduced to a half-game over the Twins after a 7-0 drubbing at the hands of the White Sox on Tuesday. This time it was Freddy Garcia doing the damage, throwing a one-hitter over eight innings (hey, all you A.J. Pierzynski fans out there, your man hit a grand slam as well). The Twins, meanwhile, beat Boston 7-3 (are the Red Sox even trying?). Garcia (15-9) came within four outs of a perfect game.

• 2. The Padres Are Back, And They're Pissed. San Diego is back in first in the NL West, as Trevor Hoffman earned his 476th career save and Mike Cameron had a three-run homer to lead a 5-2 win over Arizona. The Padres are a half-game ahead of the Dodgers, who had hit five homers in the ninth and 10th innings to beat San Diego, 11-10, on Monday.

• 3. One Is The Loneliest Number. The New York Yankees can clinch the AL East with a win today, after reducing their magic number to 1 with a 6-3 win over the Blue Jays on Tuesday. Said Joe Torre: "This is what you wait for. You wake up in the morning and know something special can happen." Yes, many Yankee managers have said that very thing, only it had to do with a pink slip. Oh, and Sheffield's back!

• 4. Grady Little Just Pawn In Game Of Life. Freakin' Pirates! Taking advantage of the Dodgers' humongous hangover, Pittsburgh did to LA what they had done to the Mets last week: inexplicably cease to suck. The Dodgers dropped back into second place in the NL West with a 10-6 loss, the Pirates getting a grand slam from Jose Bautista and a win from the immortal Ian Snell.

• 5. Incoming! For the record, the Giants have given up 32 runs in the past two games. So, you know, purchase those playoff tickets while they last.

• 1. Sox And The City. The other day we called the AL Central race in favor of the Tigers, which of course means that the team is horribly jinxed in a Joe Lieberman kind of way, and that the second-place White Sox many never lose again. On Tuesday Paul Konerko (tying home run in the ninth off of Mariano Rivera) and Jermaine Dye (game-winning single in the 11th off of Scott Proctor) led Chicago to a 6-5 win over the Yankees. Meanwhile, Detroit lost to Minnesota 4-2.

• 2. Greg, There's Someone Here To See You. Is a major Dodgers winning streak a good thing? It means people sticking around at Dodger Stadium until the game is over; increased traffic in the area of Chavez Ravine; insufferable Tommy Lasorda observations; Don Drysdale visiting your house to offer pitching tips ... sorry, that last one may have been an old Brady Bunch episode. On Tuesday Greg Maddux went six strong innings in a no-decision as LA won its 11th straight, 4-2 over Colorado, to come to within a half game of first-place San Diego in the NL West.

• 3. At Least They Didn't Do The Wave. Mike Piazza was 1-for-4 — and got a healthy amount of applause — in his return to Shea Stadium; but it was the Mets who got the last laugh over the Padres, 3-2, powered by David Wright's two run-scoring singles.

• 4. Reds 10, Cardinals 3. We were going to show you video of Ryan Freel's catch, but it somehow got broken. Into small, hopelessly irreparable pieces.

• 5. Calling All Angels. Angels' rookie Jered Weaver, who started the season with seven straight wins, is now working on seven straight no-decisions. He got his third no-decision on Tuesday, but LA still beat the Indians 5-4 on Adam Kennedy's two-out, run-scoring single in the eighth.