BetUS explains that they're acting because of all the interest from fans:

"The NFL is part of the fabric of the lives of fans in America and their interest in their teams and players goes far beyond the field," said BetUS.com spokesman Reed Richards. "This is illustrated by the number of fans who come to us looking for analysis and predictive information regarding which star or team will be in hot water next."

Unfortunately, you can't bet on individual players.

Bet on NFL Arrests [Bet on Sports]
Kellen Winslow: First Player Arrested? [Waiting for Next Year]

Say, what's Marvin Lewis doing what that straight jacket?

They are destroying the ceiling in the back room and they are all highly intoxicated. The bar owners ... want them ejected from the bar, and we are going to try to eject them now. They have been rowdy all night

The Bengals' night life mischief faded away for about a year or so, but it appears they're back in midseason form. Dust off your criminal charges bingo card, you'll need them this summer.

Bengals at Bang [Q102]
Chad Not Part Of Ruckus [Cincinnati Enquirer]

This time, it involves punching an 18-year-old and bashing car windows with beer bottles.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry has been accused of punching an 18-year-old in the face and breaking his car window with a beer bottle.

Court documents show Henry was charged Wednesday with misdemeanor assault and criminal damaging in the Monday incident in Cincinnati. A warrant has been issued for his arrest.

This now Henry's third incident since he was banned by the NFL for eight games. At this point, we've legitimately lost count of his number of arrests. Which, all told, is a number to be somewhat proud of. It's certainly the last stat he'll be putting up for a while.

Arrest Warrant Issued For Henry [Columbus Dispatch]
Chris Henry Archive] [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Here's Henry's mugshot, by the way.)

(SECOND UPDATE: The Bengals have cut Henry. Took long enough.)

Police were called to the parking garage of Newport on the Levee Tuesday night, on reports of a pair of disorderly customers. Investigators say Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry and another man, Alston Desious Dyneal fought with a valet parking attendant after they tried to park their car without paying.

An argument allegedly ensued, with Henry reportedly saying "don't you know who I am." Levee Security was called, but the pair left. The report says both Henry and Alston were banned from the Levee and were asked to leave. No one has been arrested.

Yes. Henry said, "don't you know who I am?" Yes, Chris. Oh, how we do.

Chris Henry Accused in Newport [700wlw]

Police called in the plates on a car they didn't recognize outside Henry's house — and it's telling that there's a police car constantly patrolling Chris Henry's house — and discovered that Hertz Rental Car had reported it stolen. Thing is, Henry didn't think he had stolen it; he just thought the insurance covered it.

Henry told investigators that his own vehicle had been stolen in Louisiana, where he is from originally, and he rented a car from Hertz. The Bengals' wide receiver said he thought his insurance company was paying for the car, so he had not made any payment for the vehicle.

Authorities said Hertz had not received payment from Henry or his insurance company, and the car was reported stolen.

We don't think Henry meant to "steal" the car, but his mindset is perhaps more telling. Basically, because his own car had been "stolen," his brain told him, "Well, because my car was jacked, I can just hop in one of the cars in this lot and just take off. Look, they even left the keys for me!" Because remember: The cars in the lot, the ones with the keys already in the ignition, they're just free cars, really. Go ahead. They've got plenty.

Vehicle At Bengal's Home Was Reported Stolen [WLWT]

• Before we even get to the bar today, I glance the news that OJ Simpson is probably going to be arrested soon in connection with an armed robbery. Can you believe this guy? Where did he ever get the idea that he was above the law? Oh, wait.

• Good news ... our waitress today has a fantastic body, and she is not shy about using it as a customer-relations tool. She's flirting and flipping her hair and making sure I have a clear, unobstructed view of her belly button.

• There's a guy here in an Odell Thurman jersey ... the perfect jersey for the man who wants to make the statement, "I fully embrace all illegal activities." The chances of someone being assaulted in here today just went up by about 75 percent.

• In the second installment under "interesting Bengals attire," there's another guy wearing an orange t- shirt that reads, "I AM BENGALS NATION." If that shirt was purchased anytime before 2002, then this guy is the fucking man.

• Continuing the fashion watch for one more minute ... here's a Giants fan in a Tiki Barber jersey. I like it. Rare is the opportunity to show support for a team by wearing the jersey of a man who hates them.

• I can't hear what's going on, but there's a pregame segment on FOX called "Wal-Mart Rapid Fire." This gentleman finds that title ironic.

• Bad news ... attractive, flirty waitress has been taken away. I guess we weren't in her section, and that's a shame, because I'd very much like to be in her section. She's has been replaced by another attractive girl, though ... but new girl appears to only have an interest in bringing us food and beverages. Pricktease.

• Oh, and The Juice estimates her tightness as "average."

• There's some pregame footage of Chad Johnson hanging out with a few members of the Cleveland Browns Dawg Pound ... one of whom is hugging Chad. Die-hard Browns fan, that guy. If you can get that close to Chad Johnson, and you really love the Browns, you don't hug him ... you take a syringe full of nandrolone, ram it into his ass, and phone in an anonymous tip to league offices that Chad Johnson might be juicing.

• The Titans have an early 4th and inches against the Colts, and Jeff Fisher's feeling froggy ... he's going for it. And the Colts defense displays a little bit of backbone. Hm.

• Willie Parker, sporting the Steelers 75th anniversary uniforms, including helmets that look like dirty Q-tips, is running all over Buffalo.

• The guy with the Odell Thurman jersey has been joined by a guy in a Patriots t-shirt. No one at that table has any sort of respect for the law or human decency.

• For the second week in a row, DirecTV is running an assload of promos for We Are Marshall on pay-per-view. I think they should turn it into a trilogy like Star Wars, where the good guys triumph over adversity in the first one, evil scores a victory in the second one, and then there are Ewoks in the last one. The second installment can focus on what it's like to lose 48-35 to New Hampshire, and next year, the team should be comprised entirely of Ewoks.

• At 1:37 in the afternoon, Steve Smith already has two touchdown receptions.

• Early in the game, CBS is showing a "Stat Comparison" between Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson ... you're not going to believe this, but Carson's numbers are considerably better. CBS might want to go with a headshot or Carson, a headshot of Anderson, call it the "Stat Comparison," and underneath it, just have, "Is there really a fucking point?"

• So, um ... Chris Henry is here. I kid you not. Chris Henry, suspended wide receiver of the Cincinnati Bengals, has entered the establishment. Very few people outside of our table are aware of this. All I know is ... if he sits next to the guy in the Odell Thurman jersey, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

• My buddy Doug: "You think he knows the Bengals are playing?"

• He's sitting in the opposite corner of the room, which would actually be about the worst vantage point to see the TV with the Bengals game on it.

• Jeff Reed, as always, is doing all the scoring in Pittsburgh. 12-0 Steelers.

• Holy shit. Chris Henry and two friends have now moved to our table. He's with two other guys with him for a total of three, and we have two empty seats, much closer to the Bengals game ... I guess he does know they're playing. They grab a chair from the table next to us and sit down ... and yeah, Chris Henry's at our table.

• The Browns go up 13-7 ... they apparently scored a touchdown, but I didn't see how it happened, and you know what ... fuck it.

Me to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: (didn't hear me/ no response)
Me again to Chris Henry: Hey man, do you know how the Browns scored?
Chris Henry: Oh, um ... number 84 caught a pass.
Me to Chris Henry: Cool.

Short and curt, but polite enough, I suppose. So there you have it ... an exclusive Deadspin interview with Chris Henry.

• I don't know what I would have found more surprising, if you had told me these two things at the beginning of the day: that Derek Anderson threw a TD pass, or that I'd be asking Chris Henry about it.

• Jeremy Shockey catches a routine pass and acts like he just climbed Mount Everest, found Osama bin Laden at the top, and then killed him by reaching into his chest and pulling out his still-beating heart. I overhear some Giants fan yell, "YEAH, SHOCKEY, GET PUMPED! UGH!" Screw you, pal.

• TJ Houshmandzadeh is wide open in the endzone, and tiptoes down a touchdown pass from Carson Palmer ... Chris Henry stood up as the ball was in the air and raised his arms as it was caught. It is difficult to see a television when Chris Henry stands up between you and the television.

• Actually, they're going to review it now ... Houshmandzadeh may not have gotten his feet down. I throw out a "Chris Henry would've caught that." No response. But he does tell one of his friends, "You see that Cover 2? You gotta run that corner." Enjoy that glimpse into the mind of an NFL receiver.

• Joey Galloway catches a pass from Jeff Garcia, and Joey Galloway ... he still has his speed. From the 40-yard-line in, it's a light jog. What if the Saints lose to the Bucs today ... not only does it call into question everything we know about the NFL, but it's going to set the city of New Orleans back at least a couple of months, since the Saints are rebuilding New Orleans, one win at a time.

• Some Bengal named Holt just took a vicious helmet-to-helmet to hit. The guy just had him lined up and speared him in the face. Ugly. No one in the area — absolutely no one — appears terribly concerned about this Holt fellow.

• Oh, no ... Steelers linebackers James Harrison is being stretchered out of the stadium with his head and neck immobilized. Dammit, I hate this. This happened during the last play of the half, by the way, and they went to commercial with no mention of it. They're just now getting to this news.

• Chad Johnson scores a touchdown and then acts like he's going to leap into the Dawg Pound, but then has some teammates pretend to hold him back. At least, that's my interpretation of what happened ... I dunno. I'm getting a little bit tired of feeling like I have to gaze excitedly at the TV every time Chad Johnson scores.

• Here's the replay of the hit that put James Harrison on a stretcher: He was being blocked, leaning inside, and his man pushed him that way ... and his head ended up slamming into Casey Hampton's ass. I'd have thought that area was pretty soft ... but it's hard enough to hurt someone, apparently. I just hope to God that James Harrison is OK ... if this gets replayed on every news channel, like the Kevin Everett thing, Casey Hampton is going to develop a complex about the paralyzing nature of his ass.

• By the way, at halftime, Pittsburgh's run 44 offensive plays, and Buffalo's run 16.

• All right, now Derek Anderson has 3 touchdown passes ... what the fuck is going on?

• Most games are at halftime now, which gives me a chance to catch up on how Joey Harrington's doing today ... I'm still holding out a little bit of hope for Joey. Falcons/Jags highlights, let's see ... Harrington drops back, and is sacked. Harrington drops back again ... sacked again. Yeah, it's still not going well.

• Chris Henry has left the establishment. I'm sorry that wasn't more eventful, but I'm not that outgoing or gregarious a guy. He didn't seem to be in the mood to chat with people outside of his little circle anyway ... but, you know, he was perfectly well-behaved and polite. No one was drinking, and I didn't even hear him curse. I think I can tell you pretty definitively that I have a much filthier mouth than does Chris Henry. He and his friends did waste an awful lot of french fries, though. I might call Roger Goodell and tell him that, maybe get a couple of games tacked on to that suspension.

• Chad Johnson scores again ... and this time, he does dive into the Dawg Pound, amongst fans who appear to be happy to see him. He jumps in, gets a quick handj from the guy in the bulldog mask, and ... all right, THERE you go, Browns fans. Someone poured a beer on him. That's a little bit more respectable behavior.

• The fucking Browns have 40 points, by the way ... this performance from the Bengals defense, I believe, mathematically eliminates them from Super Bowl contention.

• Adam Vinatieri has now missed an extra point and a 36-yard field goal ... I find that strange.

• Vince Young competes a touchdown pass to some guy named Roydell Williams ... and the Titans are within two.

• Here's a call you wouldn't have heard in the NFL 10 years ago ... Lee Evans draws a 15-yard personal foul flag for "getting in the face of the official." I like it, but for more street cred, Mr. Official, next time go with, "getting all up in the grillpiece of the official."

• My brother's stopped by ... he happens to be passing through town and stops to make a rare Smorgasbord appearance. Now, my brother's a married man, but he's also a man who went through a phase where he'd sleep with just about anyone or anything. You put him in an environment like this, where the waitresses are exclusively young and attractive, and at least a portion of the customers are, too ... and he just can't handle it. He's biting his lip and rocking back and forth in his chair anytime a female walks by. I realize that many of you think that I'm filthy, and don't get me wrong, that's completely warranted. But ... if you could take a peek inside my brother's mind on this Sunday afternoon, you'd see something that Larry Flynt would see and say, "No, I think that just goes too far."

• Eli Manning is in trouble and backpedaling ... and oh, that's a Jake Plummer move. He lightly flicked the ball at the thighs of an approaching defensive lineman, who intercepts it. He did get in on the tackle, though, employing the rare "like a little girl, put your hands on the shoulders of the gigantic man with the ball and hope he loses his balance" technique.

• Green Bay, while we're on the subject, is beating the hell out of the Giants. Not that I think really highly of the Giants, but ... I didn't see this coming. What if Green Bay is good? I think that would feel very strange. Not that I'm drawing that conclusion yet, because anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC, but ... I don't know, it looks possible. Green Bay might be good.

• And as evidence of that "anyone could be 2-0 in the NFC theory," San Francisco has moved to 2-0 as Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins leaves a 56-yard potential game-winner short. 0-2 for the Rams, 2-0 for the 49ers.

• Alright, Vince Young has a chance to mount a 2:00-drive here and get the Titans in field goal range. Nice little run there to pick up a first down on 3rd and 9 ... pass completed, another first down, we're near midfield here ... another nice-looking throw to — oh, you worthless son of a bitch. Some guy dropped a first down pass that would've put them in or very near field goal range for the win. The next play's a total clusterfuck, and we're done here. This is why, Tennessee Titans, it isn't a good idea to spend as much money on your receiving corps as do the Mahoning Valley Thunder.

• Lady E overheard a girl in the ladies room tell someone that she hadn't been home yet from the night before and was still wearing the same clothes. It's after 4 p.m. now, by the way ... she probably smells terrific. This is the kind of woman in whom my brother would be very interested.

• Cleveland has 538 total yards at the moment and has scored the very rare NFL half-a-hundred. And there's even a lot of time left ... I have absolutely no explanation. Even the fact that the Bengals defense isn't very good ... I wouldn't have guessed that the Browns could have put up those kind of numbers in 60 minutes on an empty field.

• Sign in Cleveland's stadium: "CHAD JOHNSON: ALL BLING, NO RING." Yeah, because the Browns are famous for their rings. That one was right next to the, "HA HA, CHAD JOHNSON WEARS TOO MUCH ORANGE" sign.

• Before the Cowboys/Dolphins game gets underway, Jason Taylor goes over to some Cowboys fans and tears down a sign they had up. I know, the biggest unwritten rule of the NFL is that you don't mess with a man's Feng Shui, but come on ... it was a completely innocuous sign, something like ... "Cowboys fans from (some small hick town in Texas)!" It wasn't like the sign said, "I gave Jason Taylor's whore of a mother a dirty sanchez three times last week." That guy should relax.

• The Raiders are back to more familiar offensive ways. Pinned inside their own two, they run two plays in which the call from the sideline was, "Please, we're begging you, safety us," followed by an interception on third down.

• My brother is out of control ... he's the horniest man in a peach sweater-vest that has ever walked the earth. Every 10 minutes or so, he'll say, "OH MY GOD" and I'll turn around and expect to see, like ... I don't know, a clown on a unicycle getting head from Courtney Love. But I look, and it's just some random bar girl walking to the ladies room. If he were here every week, this would go from "The Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord" to "How a Sexual Assault Occurs, Step by Step."

• The Bengals are at the 50 and have 33 seconds to get a TD ... Carson Palmer drops back, he goes long, that's going to be picked off, and we're done here. Browns win. I just wonder if Derek Anderson was thinking "fuck Brady Quinn" to himself with every TD pass. This performance just blows my mind.

• I count six 4:00 games today ... that seems like an unusually high amount. Is this a shift in league policy?

• CBS is showing their stat leaders of the day, and according to them, Steve Smith recorded 227 receiving yards. I don't believe that's accurate ... and I don't understand how CBS is screwing something like that up. Do they have Bill Cowher doing the addition now?

• There goes Devin Hester, doing what Devin Hester does ... punt return for a TD, and it's 14-0 Bears over the hapless Chiefs.

• Oh, now the Raiders have gone and done it ... they've finally angered God to the point where he will no longer allow them to play football. The Denver/Oakland game has been delayed due to a lightning storm.

• I'd like to propose an idea, just for the safety of everyone at Mile High ... let's take Warren Sapp, cover him entirely in about six inches thick of tinfoil, and perch him atop the stadium to serve as a lightning rod. That would make me feel better about things.

• A gunner on the Dallas punt coverage team is forced out of bounds ... and he plows into an assistant coach and just keeps motoring. He gets flagged on the play ... because when you're shoved out of bounds, you have to try immediately to come back in, which seems like a difficult rule to interpret/enforce ... but I guess when you take out an assistant coach, though, it draws a little more attention.

• Sign in Arizona at the Cardinals/Seahawks game: "THE WIN STREAK STARTS TODAY." If they were trying to design a sign that would get maximum usage in Arizona ... that's pretty brilliant.

• Kellen Clemens is not off to an auspicious start for the Jets against Baltimore ... his QB rating is currently hovering in the 35 range. I guess someone had to be Derek Anderson today.

• The Denver/Oakland game is back on ... either the lightning storm has passed, or Roger Goodell has decided that no one would really miss any of the Raiders, and if it was a Bronco that was killed by a lightning bolt, eh, they're used to it by now.

• Cecil Sapp sashays into the endzone for the Broncos ... what, were you expecting Travis Henry to get all the goal line carries? No, Mike Shanahan hates you and your fantasy team and would like to see you have an aneurysm.

• In this week's "NFC East Team Struggles With Miami" encounter, Tony Romo, with Joey Porter wrapped around his knees, throws a short TD pass to some guy I've never heard of ... the Cowboys take a 3rd quarter lead.

• Of course, Dallas is about to pull away in this week's "NFC East Team Struggles With Miami" encounter, for two reasons ... one, they're better than the Redskins, and two, Trent Green just threw that pass like he thought Chris Chambers was a much faster (and more alive) version of Andre the Giant. Interception.

• Hey, it's a Jerry Porter sighting ... remember when he was going to be a good wide receiver? Yeah, that idea never really took off. Anyway, he gets loose in the Denver secondary for a touchdown, and the Raiders are somehow within 7.

• Wow ... and now Jay Cutler is safetied, making it 17-12 Broncos. This game was an offensive pass interference call away from being 24-3 Broncos, and now the Raiders are threatening to actually win in Mile High. That would almost be as shocking as the Cleveland Browns having a potent offensive attack today.

• Rex Grossman ... ick. He just overthrew a screen pass by about five yards, and that's going the other way. Without Devin Hester, this game isn't worth ... well, it's not really worth watching anyway.

• Hey, the win streak is going to start today ... Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander fuck up a handoff exchange, the Cardinals pounce on the fumble, and handsome Neil Rackers hits a 42-yard field goal to give the Birds the win. CAW.

• Derek Hagan of Miami makes an absurd catch ... it means absolutely nothing because Miami is terrible, but even on a day with some great catches, that one's the best. He tipped it with his right, then his left, in traffic, with a man hanging on him ... and it serves the noble purpose of keeping the Dolphins within 17 here today.

• Justin McCareins drops what would have been a game-tying TD ... wide open, Kellen Clemens hits him in stride from long range ... and it bounces off his hands.

• Minnesota and Detroit, in a collective show of futility, both miss potential game-winning field goals in the last minute. This one's going to overtime ... and I'm not going to care that much about what happens from there. Green Bay might actually be the best team in this division. I feel weird about that.

• Ray Lewis, because he's God's linebacker, intercepts a pass in the endzone to bring the Jets/Ravens game to a close.

• The Vikings fumble a snap in overtime ... the snap is something you'd think they'd have worked out before they got to overtime, but Tavaris Jackson is just intent on being a turnover machine today.

• Meanwhile, Josh McCown throws an interception, which is making overtime in that Oakland/Denver game quite likely. The Raiders will lose, but ... this one's gotta count as a moral victory, yes?

• The Cowboys/Dolphins game, which was on the main TV, has ended ... which means that I'm now seeing and hearing the sound from the "Countdown to the Emmys," and I'm not sticking around for this. Jason Hanson hits a game-winner for Detroit on my way out ... but Oakland and Denver, you guys are on your own. The return of the lightning wouldn't be the worst thing in the world .

We're not sure how to say this, so we're just gonna come right out with it: Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is in trouble again. Fortunately, this one's no big deal: Just the random, unsolicited beating of a 16-year-old boy.

Police say the 16-year-old and an 18-year-old friend were walking along Wetherington Boulevard near Mt. Zion Road just after 11 p.m. Friday night when, they say a black Navigator or Escalade pulled up next to them. According to the police report, a white male jumped out and started punching the 16-year-old in the face. "From that, the victim tells us another gentleman got out of the vehicle the same vehicle and in their attempt to get away, was shoved to the ground by this African American gentleman."

The teen identified that man as Bengals receiver Chris Henry, and says receiver Reggie McNeill was also in the vehicle. The teen also alleges that they were throwing beer bottles at him as he tried to run away. "Go away, we don't want to talk to you."

Henry, of course, is already serving an eight-game suspension for, you know, his other four arrests. We're not sure where "throwing beer bottles at a minor" falls on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell offense chart ... but it has to be around the "depantsing nuns" level. We wouldn't hold your breath to see Chris Henry playing football again anytime soon.

Assault Accusation Against Bengals' Chris Henry [WCPO]

(UPDATE: A source says this might not have happened, by the way. Worth noting.)

Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has failed a court-ordered drug test, Kenton County prosecutors say.

Kenton Country prosecutor Gary Edmondson said today the test was part of Henry's probation agreement with the state of Florida. Henry was convicted of a weapons charge in Florida in 2006.

You might remember that weapons charge; it was one of his four arrests that year, and that's not counting the time he threw up out the window while teammate Odell Thurman was arrested. Henry is already serving an eight-game suspension, and with this news ... well ... perhaps there's a job at Freddie Mitchell's high school.

Henry Fails Drug Test [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Here's a nifty little cartoon to help you kill a little time this afternoon.

Chris Henry probably isn't too thrilled with being cast in a supporting role, and he might've appreciated getting full credit for mowing down that pregnant woman.

PacMan [Bang Cartoons]
Pac Man Jones Mania [sportsocracy]

With the schedule postponed a couple of weeks this year, for whatever reason (they're being released at 1 p.m. ET today), Henry's gonna have to wait to see if his eight-game suspension becomes nine weeks worth of pay. If the Bengals have their bye week in the first eight weeks of the season, it's gonna cost him another week's worth of salary, which is $25,588.24. (That seems low, doesn't it? We mean, for a professional athlete. Doesn't A-Rod pretty much make that per at-bat?)

Anyway, one would expect Henry to be keeping a close eye on the NFL schedule ... though we suspect he might have enough problems right now.

NFL Delayed Schedule Release Costing Chris Henry $25k? [The Sports Oasis]

The NFL has officially suspended Titans cornerback Pac Man Jones for entire season. Not just that, either: Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is suspended for the first eight games of year.

Commish Roger Goodell gave them the proverbial press release bitchslap:

"Your conduct has brought embarrassment and ridicule upon yourself, your club, and the NFL, and has damaged the reputation of players throughout the league. You have put in jeopardy an otherwise promising NFL career, and have risked both your own safety and the safety of others through your off-field actions. In each of these respects, you have engaged in conduct detrimental to the NFL and failed to live up to the standards expected of NFL players. Taken as a whole, this conduct warrants significant sanction."

So, Pac Man is out a year's worth of rain, and Henry will miss a game for each arrest (or close to it). We ask them both, even though they're going to miss a significant period of time, to not change, you beautiful bastards. Don't ever change.

NFL Suspends Pacman Jones, Bengals' Henry [NFL.com]

Meanwhile, the Bengals organization has a new number that players can call anytime they need a designated driver. It's sadly necessary, but all kidding aside, that's a great idea. All teams should do this. Find some guy who doesn't drink, give him a car and about 1/8th of what Chris Henry makes, and tell him he's on call to drive drunken Bengals around, 24/7/365. And whoever this guy is ... he has some stories to tell. This is also a great way to spot problem behavior, such as guys calling the number for a ride home from practice.

And in even more Bengals news, a coffee-shop owner in Ohio has put a sign outside advertising free coffee to any sober professional football player. It's a noble effort, but they need the coffee to sober them up when they're drunk. No player has ever taken him up on the offer, but that's probably because the only time any Bengal is sober, he's at practice or in a team meeting.

Bengals Players Now Have a Designated Driver Number They Can Call Anytime [NFL FanHouse]
Bengals' Henry out of jail after serving two days [ESPN]
Will coffee work better than fines? [NKY.com]

"You brought shame with this on yourself," District Judge Doug Grothaus said. "You embarrassed a lot of people." Grothaus told Henry he was "a cancer" with no respect for himself, his teammates or the community. "Mr. Henry, it's time to grow up," said Grothaus.

If you think that's harsh, you should have seen what would have happened if Henry had committed the crimes in Georgia.

Henry was escorted directly to jail, where he will serve his two days, enough time for him to rehabilitate and obviously never get in trouble again.

Judge Jails Bengals' Henry [Cincinnati Post]
Chris Henry Keeps Himself Busy [Deadspin]

Miscreant Chris Henry was handed a two-game suspension by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell yesterday by violating the hell out of the league's conduct and substance abuse policies. I'm actually not sure which specific violations this suspension is for. I've lost track, and I think Roger Goodell has, too. He should probably just suspend and/or fine Chris Henry every month or so until Henry's agent starts to complain about it.

The Bengals are off this week, and then Chris Henry will sit out the next two weeks, leaving him with absolutely nothing to do until October 29th when Cincinnati plays the Atlanta Falcons. Twenty-two days, and no responsibilities... if the worst thing that Chris Henry does in those 22 days is puke out the side of a car that a drunk teammate was driving, I would be very very surprised.

Henry's giving up $41,176 in base salary for missing two games (Henry only makes $350,000 a year), and was fined additional $20,000 on top of that. That's a total of $61,176, and man, that's a lot of weed. The fines bring Henry's salary down to under $300,000 for the year, and no wonder the guy is committing crimes while wearing his own jersey. He can't afford a Chad Johnson jersey.

Bengals WR Henry suspended two games [NFL.com]

If you've ever been pulled over and taken a sobriety test — which we have, and we passed, thank you very much; we were just speeding — this video will bring back some haunting memories; saying the alphabet backwards is really hard. We remain impressed by this video and its hypnotic, droning nature, and not just because the arresting officer looks just as big, if not bigger, than Thurman. (Hell, the Bengals could sign him, if he weren't so damned committed to law and order.) Even though you can't, sadly, see Chris Henry vomiting out the window, it's worth a viewing just to hear the tone in his voice in the moment that Thurman realizes that this evening is going to turn out quite differently than he had expected, and he's pretty much just screwed. "And the other guys in the car are worse than he is."

Odell Thurman Arrest [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Henry Vomits But Isn't Arrested. Kudos, Chris! [Deadspin]

As we mentioned, after Cincinnati's breakthrough win over Pittsburgh yesterday, the team plane flew back to Cincinnati, presumably so the team could rest up after an exhausting, physical victory. Linebacker Odell Thurman, already serving a four-game suspension, decided, apparently with wide receivers Reggie McNeal and — of course — Chris Henry, to go paint the festive city of Cincinnati red. It was all downhill from there.

Thurman was picked up in the 3800 block of Kellogg Avenue in the East End after a Cincinnati Police officer saw him drive on the left side of a double yellow line. He was brought to a checkpoint operated by the Cincinnati Police and Ohio State Patrol and submitted to a breath test. Thurman blew a .17, which is considered a high-tier reading, said Officer Stephen Lawson of the Cincinnati Police Traffic Section. The .17 is more than double Ohio's legal blood-alcohol limit of .08.

Thurman was one of at least three players in a 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe. The vehicle is owned by Bengals rookie wide receiver Reggie McNeal, who was a passenger, said a source at the scene. Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was a passenger and threw up out a window of the vehicle. Neither McNeal nor Henry was cited or charged with any type of violation.

That's right: Police observed Henry, who had just caught two touchdown passes, throwing up outside the vehicle. But hey: Not being arrested is actually a pretty nice night for him.

This all happened at 3 a.m. today. God, we love the Bengals.

Thurman Busted In OVI Check [Cincinnati Enquirer]

This is a roundabout way of saying that Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry got arrested again. The charge this time? Providing alcohol for three underage women in a hotel room in April; one was 18, one was 16, one was 15. It got more complicated after that, too; the 18-year-old accused Henry of raping her. A police investigation ended with the woman confessing the sex with consensual, and a week later, the woman was picked up for prostitution. So she's almost as busy a couple of months as Henry.

So, if you're keeping tabs, that's a marijuana possession charge, an illegal gun-possession charge, a DUI and now providing liquor to a minor. Since December. NFL players have such short careers; it's important to pack in as much as you can, while you can.

Henry Arrested Again [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Chris Henry's Hobby [The Sports Hookup]

(UPDATE: Henry has plead not guilty and has been ordered by the judge to "avoid contact with alcohol and with minors." You see, it's gotta be a bad sign when a judge gives you those explicit instructions.)

"Mr. Henry agreed to the test and he was polite, courteous and cooperative the entire time," Long said, citing the police report. "He was issued a traffic citation and he [eventually] left with a friend. There was no bail involved and he was issued a court date."

I guess that's progress. Chris is at least learning to handle his arrests with more dignity and class these days. He is now a veteran of the booking process, and it shows. The Bengals have to be pleased with his ability to learn on the fly. The other two arrests, in case you're curious were for possession of marijuana, and a felony gun charge. A pretrial hearing for that one is scheduled on August 8th.

Joe Theismann was unavailable for comment.

Your Chris Henry Arrest Update [Sports Frog]
I am not inviting Chris Henry to my Super Bowl party [the mighty mjd]
Bengals' Henry arrested for third time since December [ESPN.com]