At long last, we've reached the start of college football season and the end of our sojourn through the top 25. Thanks a ton to all our 25 writers for helping us get ready for the new season. Our final preview is brought to you by Doug Gillett of Hey Jenny Slater. Do enjoy. By the way, the above picture comes courtesy of a reader email letting us know that Matthew Stafford is a fixture on the freshman sorority introduction party-scene. If I were a Georgia fan this would make me feel better about his maturity in the pocket. Guy's making solid decisions off the field. Also, how many years of income would you give up to be Matthew Stafford in Athens for a month? Post the analysis in the comments. I'm going with two years. Minimum.

BIGGEST STRENGTH

The vast majority of the attention given to Georgia in the offseason has focused on our offense — specifically a public-intoxication offense, a drunk-driving offense, an assault offense, and several others. (Thank you, I'll be here all week.) But defense is what's driven the Dawgs all throughout Mark Richt's tenure, and it's what's going to drive us this year. Our defense returns all but two players; we bring back our entire starting linebacking corps and three of four D-linemen, and the one guy we lose in the secondary, free safety Kelin Johnson, is replaced by a sophomore (Reshad Jones) who actually finished the '07 season with more tackles than Johnson had despite having only two actual starts. In fact, Jones and WLB Rennie Curran were responsible for the team's practices being moved to sparsely inhabited Ware County in the spring, as the speed with which they hurled themselves at ball carriers caused regular sonic booms that were deemed intolerable by Athens residents living near campus. Last year we only returned three defensive starters, yet still managed a top-20 finish in total D, holding opponents to an average of 323 yards per game; this year I don't think the fans or coaches are going to be satisfied unless we hold at least one team to negative net yardage. I'm hoping it's Georgia Tech, but that's just me. There are some issues there.

BIGGEST WEAKNESS

Widespread doom and gloom was predicted for last year's offensive line, which consisted of two returning starters and three freshmen — yet under the direction of new OL coach (and future Exalted Hero of the Bulldog Nation) Stacy Searels, they allowed only 15 sacks and paved the way for a thousand-yard rushing season from true freshman Knowshon Moreno. So when this year's line had to replace two starters, including 2nd-team All-SEC center Fernando Velasco, I was like, “Pffft, whatever, we're gonna be fine.” But then left tackle Trinton Sturdivant tore every freaking ligament in his knee in fall practice, including several that were previously unknown to medical science, and I officially started to worry. Knowshon's still going to get his yards — as will fellow tailback Caleb King, most likely — but without Sturdivant to protect Matt Stafford's blind side, it's going to be incredibly difficult to keep Staff's jersey as clean as it was last year. Stafford is actually a better scrambler than he's ever gotten credit for, but the pundits seem to have pegged 2008 as the season he breaks out as a passer and starts adding zeroes onto the end of the NFL paycheck he'll start receiving sometime in the next few years, and it's going to be hard for him to meet those expectations if he's busy being chased all over the southeastern United States by the Kirston Pittmans and Eric Norwoods of the world. (Ordinarily this would be a great spot for me to segue into a passive-aggressive whine about how diabolical Georgia's schedule is this year, but y'all are all intelligent, attentive people who have surely read up on that already, so I'll move on.)

(Knowshon loves the same parties. And slightly askew pink hats.)

DISEMBOWELING

My immediate instinct — as is that of most Georgia fans at this point, I'm sure — is to lay into Urban Meyer, he of the third-person references and the ongoing pouting over Georgia's end-zone celebration in Jacksonville last year. But I've probably done that to death, so howsabout I piss in Steve Spurrier's Cheerios for a little while. After years of being the Great Satan to Bulldog fans everywhere, the Ol' Ballcoach fell off our hate-dar a little bit by moving to Columbia, South Carolina, after the end of the 2004 season, but whatever humility he gained through a self-imposed exile to college-football Siberia was gone by Week Two of last season. After beating Georgia in Athens — his first such victory in three tries at South Carolina, and the Gamecocks' first win over the Dawgs since 2001 — Spurrier decided the time was right to pop off about how overrated Georgia was, given that the Dawgs had at that point lost five straight SEC East games. What Steve, in his hubris, evidently forgot was that South Carolina's talent level leaves him considerably more vulnerable to karmic bitch-slaps than he ever was at Florida, and not only did his own then-sixth-ranked Gamecocks proceed to lose to Vanderbilt at home, that loss kicked off a five-game season-ending face plant that left the 'Cocks 6-6 and dateless for bowl season. Those Homecoming losses to Vandy sure are a bitch, ain't they, Steve?

Toward the end of that spirit-crushing streak you could start to see in Spurrier's face that little twinge of regret over paths not taken, wondering if he might have been better off spurning the Gamecocks entirely four years ago and simply taking up golf full-time; few things would please me more than for a relentless Georgia ass-whupping this year to be the loss that sends him over the edge. The thing is, South Carolina could actually be pretty good this year, assuming that any of their QBs manage to excavate their heads from their respective rectums, but if there's any justice that won't happen until long after the Dawgs meet the 'Cocks in Columbia on September 13. When I was working at The Red & Black during my junior and senior years at UGA, we'd have an unofficial contest in the newsroom after each year's Georgia-South Carolina game to see who could come up with the most offensive headline for the game recap — trust me, “Dawgs Spank Cocks” was nowhere near the worst of what we came up with — and for the sake of the fresh-faced, idealistic young reporters now following in our footsteps at the R&B and carrying on our proud tradition of giving Georgia's journalism school a bad name, I want the Dawgs to pound the 'Cocks unmercifully this year. (See what I did right there?)

"JP is the founder of Pyle of List, where he toils alongside 3 men that are superior writers, passionate sports lovers and respected friends. He's a USC alum, college football enthusiast and Pac-10 apologist. He also contributes to National Lampoon's Zaz Report but isn't responsible for any of their movies. JP is honored to receive your scorn in the comments."

Orson Swindle is a tough act to follow, even when I’m not following him directly. He’s like the “Hot Fuzz” of college football. He somehow manages to lovingly celebrate whilst cleverly ridiculing the SEC football culture. I’m still struggling not to use “we” when talking about USC. Kudos to you, Orson.

With that out of the way, here’s your USC Trojans 2008 Season Preview:

Strengths

Reputation: If USC were any other school, this team would be ranked in the high ‘teens (unless they played in the SEC where they’d be national title favorites). But in college football, unlike any other sport this side of gymnastics, your rep will play a factor in your rankings. This isn’t going to win games for the men of Troy, but will position them favorably in the polls. Also, the Trojans are very attractive to the BCS because of their high profile and command of a gigantic media market, which gives them an edge for any at-large bids. Sorry haters, fair or not…them’s the facts.

Nobel Prize Winner, George Olah: In 1994, Olah won the Nobel Prize for revolutionizing organic chemistry. 8 years later, Pete Carroll is producing unseemly amounts of talent and has the energy of a toddler with a PCP drip while only sleeping 47 minutes a night. Coincidence? I think not.

Rey Maualuga and his band of Merry Linebackers: Despite his legendary reputation, I was very critical of ol’ Rey through last season (albeit on a far less public forum, my blog) because his enthusiasm for manslaughter on the football field often left him out of position. He’d make spectacular plays, but simple ones would elude him. But, he finally seemed to find the proper balance at the end of last season. Which is bad news for every offense in the country… even his own, considering he’s hurt a few of his teammates in practice. When he’s joined by Brian Cushing, who was a dead ringer for Tim Riggins when he had long hair, and Kaluka Maiava (broke his thumb forcing a fumble by jamming it into the ball in the Rose Bowl) they form a very menacing trio.

Pete Carroll: You cannot list strengths for this football team without mention Pete himself. He is everything good about USC football. As an alum and hardcore fan, I will openly weep the day (God forbid) he ever decides to leave the Trojans.

Weaknesses

Special Teams: Despite a ridiculous stockpile of talent (including Ess-Ee-Cee approved speed), the coverage teams are susceptible to big returns and our kicker is a former linebacker. The reason? Unlike virtually every civilized program in the country, the Trojans do not have a special teams coach. Apparently they decided to use the coaching position for an Assistant Facebook Coach, which to be fair is more relevant in recruiting. Since special teams plays can swing momentum and decide close games, this could catch up to USC this year in one such contest.

Offensive line: After replacing four starters, the Trojans’ experience on the O- line has been well documented. But all I needed to know was expressed by a note from the first scrimmage provided by Scott Wolf: “lineman went the wrong way on two of the first three plays of the scrimmage.” Missing an assignment is one thing, but going in the wrong direction is quite another. Especially at the start of an intra-squad scrimmage, where the plays were probably scripted. These are the kind of mental mistakes that lead to the second string QB frantically putting on his helmet and sprinting into the huddle, while they bust out smelling salts for your starter who’s on a mental journey previously only believed to be possible with heavy doses of peyote.

Depth: General wisdom would trumpet depth as a great strength. Even for USC, this would be true for all non skill positions. But the glut of talented WR’s, RB’s and even QB’s has complicated this whole “offensive juggernaut” thing, which has been stuck in 4th gear since 2005 when Bush-Leinart-White departed. The Trojans don’t have a “go-to guy” within the dearth of playmakers. In their pursuit of the next chosen one, the coaching staff has shuffled so many players around that nobody has established a rhythm and gotten comfortable. I have a scientifically unfounded belief that this also contributes to a higher rate of injury, since guys are literally competing for the starting job each week in practice.

Rivals

After decades of college football excellence, the Trojans have managed to pile up more rivals across this great nation than the Warriors had in the boroughs of New York City. Hence the following Michael Corleone-esque, Godfather christening scene caliber hit list:

UCLA- When other Pac-10 schools mock your apathy, you’re nothing short of a laughingstock. Seriously, the rivalry isn’t fun when you have the school spirit of a 14 year old emo kid that cuts himself. Don’t worry, the morons in the dancing bear costumes will hold up a sign when it’s time for another lifeless “A-Clap”.

Notre Dame- This is all you need to know about the Charlie Weis era at Notre Dame: even Pete Carroll thinks he’s an asshole.

Big 10- What do Pac-10 schools call a mobile QB from the Big 10? A Defensive End.

Texas- Mack Brown’s coaching ability is directly correlated with the presence of Vince Young, or in this case lack thereof. And he sure as hell ain’t walkin’ through that door anytime soon. Enjoy the Colt McCoy era. The success of your team will be determined by a guy that sounds like a rejected cousin from the holdout-era “Dukes of Hazzard.”

SEC- Only a rival because they’ve eluded ‘SC in BCS bowls. Now that they’ve added a game to the schedule, I’m glad to see you’re finally playing quality opponents out of conference without having to compromise your relationship with Louisiana Monroe or the Citadel. At least this didn’t require something as drastic as Sam “Bam” Cunningham running roughshod over Bear’s Tide to bludgeon them into integration… in 1971.

Today's preview is brought to us by Matt from Buckeye Commentary. We're just two days away from kickoff. Is your blood not pounding at the thought of Oregon State-Stanford?

STRENGTHS

Stiff-arm delivering running back? Check. Best cover corner in college football? Check. Sick linebackers and the nation’s top sweater vest. Check, check. Throw in the greatest stadium in the country and the ability to spell while holding musical instruments and you have the nation’s finest overall program. We have won a Heisman or two recently, as well.

STRENGTHS

Stiff-arm delivering running back? Check. Best cover corner in college football? Check. Sick linebackers and the nation’s top sweater vest. Check, check. Throw in the greatest stadium in the country and the ability to spell while holding musical instruments and you have the nation’s finest overall program. We have won a Heisman or two recently, as well.

Beanie Wells: He runs angry. You know that feeling you get when you are embarrassed after falling down steps at a party? You just want to hit the first thing you see. He is more powerful than Big Ten linebackers and faster than SEC safeties (gasp!). He will be the best player on the field in every game (yeah, you heard me Maualuga). His stiff-arm will almost certainly test the applicability of Ohio’s assault statutes to in-game football injuries.

Malcolm Jenkins: The senior from New Jersey was initially notable for his blanket coverage, then known for vomiting at the Playboy All American party, and now seeks to regain singular football recognition. The Buckeyes churn out cornerbacks like Tennessee does criminals and Jenkins is the best of the lot.

The Sweatervest: Some say the shine is off JT, but those people suck. Little known fact, Tressel finished as the I-AA Runner-Up twice while coaching Youngstown State. He won four national titles during the other years. Obviously, Tressel was just interested in getting those second place finishes out of the way so that he can start winning titles again. It starts this season.

WEAKNESSES

Well, in case you have not noticed, we cannot seem to beat an SEC team for a title. We have no problem beating one of the best teams in college football history (Miami, 2002), but a two-loss LSU team proved too much. [Insert plummeting scream] Oh yeah, and we could use some serviceable defensive tackles.

Defensive tackle: The coaches love to talk about the depth and rotation on the interior of the defensive line. That is coachspeak for “we might as well keep ‘em fresh since no one is good enough to play all game.” That is to say nothing of the fact that two Des have been moved inside (Doug Worthington and Robert Rose). Cameron Heyward and Lawrence Wilson are animals on the edges, but teams will just run straight ahead.

Special Teams: “I thought Senator Tressel always has great special teams,” I just heard you say. Well, you’re wrong. Last season, Ohio State ranked 117th in kickoff returns. Granted, they had the few number of returns (34) but an elite program needs to crack the top 25. Punt returns were not much better. And, then there is the field goal unit. [See 2008 BCS Title Game for discussion of crippling, game-altering play.] Ugh.

WHO WE HATE

Dick Rod for starters. Lloyd Carr could not coach his way out of a wet paper bag, but he was half of the classiest coaching rivalry in the business. Now, RR shows up with the shit-eating grin, country swindle, and back room personality, and ruins it for everyone. Let’s see, so far he has faced a multi-million dollar lawsuit, player mutinies, and the wrath and taunting of conference coaches without having coached a game. Nice work. We are not sure what Michigan was thinking, but this is not going to end well

Today's preview of the #4 team in all the land is brought to us by Rohit Joshi, a senior majoring in business at OU. Yep, he's still in college, getting ready for the start of college football season while we're all cranking out billable hours on document review. Life is fair. He says job solicitations are welcome. He's also Deadspin commenter SheMateMe. Enjoy.

When looking at Oklahoma through the eyes of one of its programs’ supporters, it is clear that expectations can be simultaneously running high and low. Ever since the Sooners’ colossal meltdown in the 2005 Orange Bowl, Norman-ites have been assuming the worst for their team while still somehow expecting a national championship. Injuries, dismissals, and nationally televised embarrassments (2007 Fiesta Bowl – greatest game ever my ass.) have thrown blemishes on this perennial powerhouse. But mark it down boys, it’ll be championship #8 in ‘08, err technically ‘09, but I know you don’t give a damn.

Pros

Prospects. One glaring advantage that Oklahoma has this year is the amount of potential NFL talent. The Sooners have not been known for their prospect grooming since the late 70’s, but ever since Purple Jesus left Norman, the program is a whole new animal. Take for example stud RB DeMarco Murray. Combine the speed of Usain Bolt, the ball carrying ability of Barry Sanders with the game-breaking explosiveness of God, and then only you will get DeMarco Murray. I mean, when asked to compare Murray to Adrian Peterson, Bob Stoops admitted he had a hard time determining who was the more talented running back. No homo, I love this kid. Clearing the way for Murray will be two sure shot first round picks in lineman Duke Robinson and Phil Loadholt. These two form the combined 672 lb, 13’3” ft wall on the left side of the offensive line. Too much power and too much foot speed means these two will be going happy-go-Jackie on defensive tackles like a donkey eating a waffle. Oh yeah, safety Nic Harris is way cool too.

Cons

Convict-like behavior. Yes Penn-State I am fully aware of your parking lot brawlers and I know the Gators are beaming with pride of their AK-toting offensive tackle, but convict like behavior has crippled the Sooners in a lot of ways. Embezzlements, weapons charges, and even grand theft garment has made Oklahoma look bad on the field. I know Rhett Bomar had an IQ that only rivaled Dubya, but I defend him because THE KID COULD FLAT OUT BALL. Bomar rehashed OU’s dual quarterback history and had potential for a Heisman-caliber career similar to Nebraska’s Eric Crouch. Loadholt’s recent DUI doesn’t help things for anybody and neither does DeMarcus Grangers exploits at a Phoenix area Burlington Coat Factory while perusing through the selection. Josh Jarboe, a prized recruit was just recently booted for freestyle rapping that he’ll shoot somebody or have someone shoot him or doing some kind of insider trading, but nonetheless the coaching staff handed him his walking papers in a flash. Bottom line: if Stoops can give his crew a reality check, he will once again reclaim the moniker Big Game Bob.

Those Other Guys.

Right now you would expect me to take shots at Oklahoma State, the red-headed step child of OU or Texas, the school loved by both racist rednecks and Austin’s wonderful hipster populations alike. They’re too easy. I’m going for the new kids on the block - Mizzourah. Let me start by saying: Chase Daniel - sit down, please. Missouri fans claim this guy to be the second coming of whoever the hell played quarterback for Missouri back in the day and it is getting to his head. If you actually watch him play he is not the calm, poised leader that he plays on TV interviews. He’s actually a baby, whining and blaming his teammates only to eat boogers in celebration when he actually does something right. Missouri is the king of the Big XII North, which says a lot if you play D-II women’s volleyball. That’s it and that all. I’ll send you a postcard from South Beach.

If you don’t care about college football, leave. This being Deadspin, I’m sure every other reader or so has a “MEH” or “kol-ledge foot-bawl?” comment preloaded and ready to go. If this is you, I implore you: go fuck yourselves with a petrified cockatiel. (Edit: A live cockatiel would do, too. It will struggle, thus giving you the full anal torsion you crave! Like mother, like commenter.)

I’m sure Busted Coverage has some “Chick you’d vault onto your pole,” or “pictures of a girl who wouldn't fuck you ever,” or something else that will keep you amused for the three minutes it will take you not to read this. Take that deathless witticism ready to spring from the mental toaster oven like a shit-filled Hot Pocket, and go have that snack by yourself, anger ninja.

Also unwelcome would be any of Clay’s shit about Florida girls having fat arms, us all wearing jorts, or “America’s Wang.” Oh, you watched the Simpsons between 1988 and 2000! How erudite you are without being effete! And the fat arms! No fat chicks! RUMSFELD, brah!!! It's awesome that every chick on the internet would fuck you, but you won't give it to them because YOU HAVE STANDARDS, BRAH!

For the assholes left in the room, one half-assed review of Florida coming up, presented by a cut-rate bizarro Dwight Schrute. Note: NOT Dan Shanoff.

STRENGTHS

Our ability to recruit bulky, hopelessly evangelical middle-class white quarterbacks. Tim Tebow was described as “a fullback at quarterback” before he threw for 3286 yards and 32 TDs last year. Now he is being touted as “the best 9-4 quarterback who ever won the Heisman” by grown men who are afraid of their pastors, namely Georgia fans. Cockatiels, petrified and live, in double doses for them all.

He’s good, you’ll hear too much about him, and ESPN will assign a stalker female reporter to shadow his every move. We’re hoping it’s Erin Andrews. I don’t read enough about her on the internet, though the guys at http://yetanothercreepyphotofErinAndrews’clearlyoutlinedlabiayesyesnodude.com are doing a fine job filling the void in this sorely needed coverage.

Our coach, who had his soul removed in a surgical procedure known as the “Parcells Excision”, feels no joy, and has sat his windowless office all offseason texting recruits, watching film in the dark, and running through hallways full of hired thugs with a hammer to unwind.

Any of these is possible, since after three years no one knows anything about Urban Meyer other than that he has no fingerprints, occasionally "revises his statements" made to recruits during the recruiting process, and that he considers Bill Belichick a friend. Given this last fact, he is either an imbecile, or a vampire, or both.

Our speedy types like Percy Harvin et al. Percy Harvin has missed four games over the past two years due to a wide array of injures including tendonitis of the knee, cancer of the eyebrow, and pellagra. He’s sure to miss time this year with even more exotic injuries, something not as devastating as it may appear with receivers Louis Murphy, Riley Cooper, TE Aaron Hernandez, and running backs Emmanuel Moody and Chris Rainey flashing “viable” in the options menu.

Rainey in particular bears notice. He used the word “dang” in an interview and all but admitted taking illegal benefits in high school. He is a self-described “white-girl man.” He also runs a 4.2ish 40 and appears in one of the three Youtube videos of college football highlights not set to Saliva’s “Click Click Boom.”

We’ll be fine on offense as long as Chris Rainey gets the vanilla quim brulee he craves, and Tim Tebow hears nothing of it.

WEAKNESSES

The secondary and the heart of the defensive line. Florida was 94th in the nation last year in pass defense with freshmen at both corners and at one safety position. The other safety, Tony Joiner, got caught in the middle of the season attempting to steal his car from a towing company’s impound lot. This constituted the most successful attempt Joiner had at a takeaway all season long.

The secondary is now a year older at the corners, but has gotten younger but more talented at safety with the addition of ballyhooed recruit Will Hill, who if he follows sophomore safety Major Wright’s example will display his eye-boggling talents by not just misreading developing plays, but by misjudging them in spectacular, occasionally disastrous fashion.

As for the defensive line, Florida is so thin up the middle that they’ve considered adopting a 3-3-5 look. The coaches also reinstated Ronnie Wilson, a former offensive lineman originally kicked out of the program in early 2007 for discharging a semiautomatic weapon in the middle of downtown Gainesville, and then moved him to defensive tackle.
If he brings the gun onto the field, we’ll be wildly successful. If not, it promises to be a merely mediocre defensive season, which would be a pleasant but marginal improvement over 2007.

The possibility of ESPN’s suffocating, all-crushing love descending on us.

ESPN’s love is herpes for the fan of any team: once acquired, it never really goes away, and though contracting it is a sign that you did something right, it also burns and flares up when one least expects it. Also, for the uninitiated, it causes pus-filled cankers to break out on your junk, or at least that’s what you’ll tell your significant other when that kind of thing happens.

I caught it from Jeremy Schaap’s Thursday’s profile piece on Tebow. I swear.

It’s a curse USC and Texas fans know well—ESPN’s slobbering, we mean, not herpes. (That’s an LSU specialty. We mean that in as complimentary a way as possible.)

INSERT RIVAL HERE, YOU SUCK

At the moment, it’s Georgia, a fan base who combines the monosyllabic brain of the Ohio State fanbase with the spicy proud dumb of your standard SEC fan. I’ve written about this before, but to restate: they have a single phrase answer to everything, and this answer does not vary one nit from Valdosta to Augusta.
Florida fans: JORTS!
LSU fans: CORN DOGS!
Anything else: GAY!

They’re the helpless, bleating seals of the SEC Animal Kingdom, and like seals should be clubbed from time to time and sold for their baseball caps with the pre-frayed bills—which they all invariably have. They also all wear red Dickies, which make you impervious to punches!

Or not!

Just one step away from the top 5 comes the mad genius that is Les Miles and his national champion Tigers. Today's preview is brought to you by Cajun Boy in the City. Included in his preview is a picture of an LSU girl that will make you want to cry and immediately move to Baton Rouge. Or at least give you pleasant dreams when you head home from the bar alone.

In 331 A.D., The Seventh Day Adventist Church of Constantinople printed fifty bibles, in which some significant editing of the book of Genesis was done at the behest of the Emperor Constantine (massive bag of douche by the way), for he feared the usurpation of his power in the event of an uprising by the peasantry, which was sure to take place had they attained knowledge of the leader of men that God himself had made for the world. The following is what was edited out...

At the end of the sixth day, saving his most important work for last, God created a man. This man wasn't like any other man, which God created in his likeness, no, this man was different. Different in that God formed him in the image of what he aspired to be. God equipped the man with a thick, elongated, and bulbous skull, a shape of cranium that would make him appear strikingly mongoloidish when adorned with any hat emblazoned with the letters L, S, and U, better for him to be underestimated by. Most importantly, this skull would serve to protect the precious cargo housed inside of it; a wee but efficient lump of mush built specifically to analyze and process complex gridiron data in mere nanoseconds, all the better to make snap judgments that often seem monumentally dipshit-y on the surface in their moments in time, but judgments that ultimately prevail gloriously each and every time they're made. Finally, God also gave this man a set of cyclopean nuts that would incite envy in any prehistoric hoofed mammal. God said, "Go forth and dominate the Gators of Gainesville, the Cocks of Carolina, and whatever abhorrent alliances shall attempt to rise up out of the anus of humanity that is Alabama." He then said, "His name shall be Leslie."

God saw all that he had made, and behold, it was very good. It was evening and it was morning, the sixth day. He then cracked open an ice cold Abita Amber, and then proceeded to jerk off into golden chalice, a golden chalice with purple trim.

Fast forward to 2008 where God and his masterpiece communicate regularly, via instant messenger, of course. They spoke this morning about the upcoming LSU football season. Here is a transcript of that conversation...

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You there homie?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: ????????????????

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: HEEELLLLLOOOO!

fearthehat: Hey...yeah...I'm here. Sorry bout that. Had to take care of a nuisance outside Tiger Stadium.

fearthehat: So what's on your mind pops?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Well, a lot of people down there are hittin' up the prayer line asking questions about your squad. People are worried Les, what with you kicking Ryan Perrilloux off the team and all.

fearthehat: Fuck Perrilloux! His weed sucked anyway.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: But what are you gonna do at quarterback Les?

fearthehat: Well we've got a transfer from Harvard named Andrew Hatch, he's one of them smart assholes, and a redshirt freshman named Jarrett Lee.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: But Les, aren't you worried? Neither one of those guys has been in any sort of intense situation on the D-1 level, much less ventured into The Swamp.

fearthehat: Hell no I'm not worried old man. We've got so many studs on offense, shit, I could put Audrina from The Fucking Hills under center and it wouldn't make a lick of difference.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You're right, you guys are certainly stacked.

fearthehat: Damn straight we're stacked. In the backfield we've got Charles Scott, Keiland Williams, Richard Murphy, and Trindon Holliday. Any of those guys could rush for 1000 yards if they were stupid enough to go to some piss-pit like Ole Miss where they'd start right away.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: And you're pretty stacked at receiver too. You've got Brandon Lafell, Demetrius Byrd, Terrance Tolliver and Chris Mitchell.

fearthehat: That's what I'm saying. And don't even get me started on the defense. We've got Ricky Jean-Francois coming back. Ricky. Jean. Francois. Can you even make up a better name for a LSU football player? FUCK NO!

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: You have no weaknesses?

fearthehat: The only weakness this team has is getting distracted by all the ass in south Louisiana. The guys in the locker room tell me that Cajun girls have vaginas tighter than Hungarian rat traps, and that sticking your dick inside of one is like sticking in a vat of hot butter. Shit'll make you crazy.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Ah yes, Cajun girls. Saucy little tarts. And they can cook too!

fearthehat: So give me some dirt on some of the other coaches in the SEC pops. I won't tell anyone, I swear I won't. Go ahead, tell me, Tuberville's a kid fucker ain't he?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: True. Little Laotian boys to be precise.

fearthehat: What about Urban Meyer? That asshole just looks like a sick perv.

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Diaper Pail Friends member.

fearthehat: What the fuck is that?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Google it. :)

fearthehat: One other question pops...those Florida bloggers that are always picking on me, Shanoff and Swindle, they jerk off to Tim Tebow's YouTube clips, don't they?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: In tandem. Via iChat. They watch each other. And then they Twitter it. And then they argue over IM about whose load of baby batter would most make Tebow proud.

fearthehat: Figured as much. Now let me run, I gotta get back to cooking up something special for that twatwaffle kid from Auburn who tried to take out Dorsey's knee last year. Remember him?

ahardmanisgoodtofind69: Chaz Ramsey. He's Kige Ramsey's cousin you know?

fearthehat: Who the fuck is Kige Ramsey?

We're powering through the top 25 as the college football season looms closer and closer. We'll finish off with Georgia on Thursday just before kickoff later that night. First up today is Missouri, brought to you by blogger Big Head of Mizzourah.net .

Being a Mizzou fan gives us a specific right; the right to be confident, yet afraid that the sky will fall on us at any moment, and more than likely it will come in a shitty city like Ames or Waco. Like the first time I went in to a strip club and it was Asian pregnancy night, it's embedded in the mind. It's a Missouri thing- Don Denkinger screwing the Cardinals (although it benefited the Royals), Adam Vinatieri booting a forever long field goal to win the Super Bowl against the Rams, Carl Peterson being 18 seasons into his own 5-year plan to take the Chiefs to the Super Bowl, George Brett going apeshit about a bat that was stickier than Jules' afro in Pulp Fiction...it's just a Missouri thing. We have come to acknowledge it. We saw it last year when we shit the bed in Norman on a fumble, and then got routed in the Big 12 Title game. Then again, Oklahoma is a good team. It more than likely happens when we play less than stellar teams. It's what we do.

This year is no different. Even though we are ranked in the top ten of all publications (6th AP/7th USA Today/4th SI/6th Phil Steele), we're still waiting for this team to turn into a pumpkin. Does the SI jinx kill us? We are confident that it won't...but yet as a Mizzou fan, we expect something to go awry at some point. We know a 12-0 or 11-1 season is a decent possibility, but wouldn't be surprised with 8-4 or 7-5. It's what we do. The rug gets pulled out from underneath our Missouri sports fandom every year, unless you're a Cardinals fan (we sold our souls to the devil a long time ago. See Leitch for a deeper explanation).

The 2008 team has been expected to be the Mizzou team that had the best shot at winning the Big 12 for awhile. All the pieces have been in place for a run in 2008 since about 2006. Last year was great and all, but Mizzou is even better this year. We lost a few of the pieces of the puzzle, but Gary Pinkel has been able to fit some new players in that gained a lot of experience last year. The defense is the best in the Pinkel era, but lets be honest; it all starts with quarterback Chase Daniel.

Chase is a great representative of the people of the Show Me State; chip on the shoulder, a little chubby, and can grow kick ass facial hair in his free time. Sure, he's not actually from Missouri, but nobody gives a shit...he's a Missourian. Jeremy Maclin and Daniel are a dynamic duo, and are so good, they could kill each other's Heisman votes. Being a Mizzou fan, we expect the greatness of two of our stars to kill the hype on each other's greatness. It's what we do.

As far as our rivalries go, we really only have two; Nebraska and kansas. Some may argue that we have four by adding Oklahoma and Illannoy in the mix, but for it to be considered a 'rivalry', you need two things; back-and-forth balance of competitive games, which we don't have by getting dominated by Oklahoma for years, and the mere fact of actually giving a shit about the other team, which we don't against the Illini. Illannoy, as you may get from the nickname, has basically been a little brother kind of pest to Mizzou. They are a team without a true rival, and they decided that they would become our rival. Basically a bullshit, made up rivalry to appease their fan base.

Tiger fans have always considered Nebraska and kU the teams of mass hatred. Nebraska for all the ass beatings that we incurred and Nubs fans claiming they did it with class, followed by many years of close games until we finally started to pull through. The hatred reached a boiling point with the whole Flea Kicker thing in 1997. kU is hated because they are kansas. It all goes back to William Quantrill and Bleeding Kansas, but Deadspin isn't a place to drop hints to the repeats of Win Ben Stein's Money.

We hate kU enough to never acknowledge them with a capital-'k' when referring to them. Of course, last season threw a Phillips 66 station worth of gas on the fire with the game at Camerohead and the birth of Sodd Reesing (see picture above), but this year has already been turned up to an 11 with the release of kU's "Big 12 North Co-Champion Trophy". The trophy has caused a little bit of an uproar among Mizzou fans because of the 36-28 win in the Armageddon game last year, and the fact that we went on to the Big 12 Title game, not the Squawks.

For once in my tired, pathetic, college football loving life, my team has expectations to do well. Everywhere I've turned all off-season, everyone has pimped the Tigers. Do we 'Eight Belles it', and go down in the backstretch of the season? Or instead, does our six-foot, chubby hero wearing the #10 save the day? Speaking for all Tiger fans, we are banking on the second option. Expect the worst, but going all-in for the best. It's what we Mizzou fans do.

Why, you ask, is a young and strapping (just ask my mom) Canadian man writing a Clemson Tigers football preview? Because I'm better than you, that's why. So shall we get down to business, I think we shall?

The Clemson Tigers have a lot of pressure on them this year, they play in South Carolina, a state where going 1-3 against ranked opponents last season and not winning a bowl game since 2006 just don't fly.

(Seriously look at their flag, are they muslim? I thought they still had the confederate thing going on.)

Regardless, the purple and orange have re-up'd their head coach Tommy Bowden for another 4 years but if Clemson doesn't live up to at least SOME of their lofty expectations this year Bowden may be looking for work elsewhere. So as the AP preseason poll have the Tigers ranked 9th lets take a look at what's good and what's bad down in Pickens County.

GOOD:
-Cullen Harper: a 6'4 220 lb beer swillin' (only a guess), football throwin' machine. Harper was money last year, throwing 27 touchdowns to only 6 interceptions. As Harper goes through his senior season he should complete his maturation process and maybe, possibly, conceivably could become a candidate for the Heisman if not a 1st round draft pick in next year's NFL draft, maybe. He would have to perform better against ranked opponents (Harper threw 3 of his 6 INTs against ranked opponents in 07) but when you face facts Harper is the best quarterback in the ACC, fo sho.

-Senior James Davis and Junior CJ Spiller running the ball: Sharing the rock has been a staple of good college football teams in the past, Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams come to mind. Put quite simply, Davis and Spiller are expected to tear shit up this year. It would not be a surprise to see Spiller and Davis each reach 1000 yards on the ground. Last year they came close with Davis putting up 1064 yards and Spiller coming close with 768 yards. Not only that but 20 pounds separates this tandem so we can't call them "Thunder and Lightning", thank god because I'm so sick of that nickname for running back duos, I much prefer "Moose and Squirrel" and hope to enter it to the football lexicon soon.

BAD:

The law: The Clemson Tigers, like many other ACC football teams, are having a pickle of a time trying to keep their players out of the clink. Case in point; DeAndre McDaniel may face time for assault and battery charges laid against him by a female Clemson student, I heard something about a pillow case over the head but these are just rumors people. McDaniels did recently agree to do PTI, not Tony and Wilbon but what's called a "pre-trial intervention". According to the Charleston Post and Courier the PTI would involve getting McDaniel "…to deal with his frustration without pounding on someone." Oh irony, is there anything you cannot make hilarious?

-The offensive line: Bottom line is this; Tommy Bowden may start up to 3 freshmen on the O-line, yikes. The ACC is renowned for pumping out some of the best defensive linemen in the country and having these young'ns try and stop the front line of Miami, Florida State or Virginia Tech could get ugly. Lets move to audio-visual stimulation.

Imagine the cheerleader is Cullen Harper, the piece of paper is the Clemson O-line and the players are, well, players. It may look something like this:

I never get sick of that.

-Death Valley: We, as college football fans, cannot allow multiple stadiums to have the same nicknames. LSU and Clemson need to play each other for the right to call their stadium Death Valley, this must happen.

UGLY:-
Wendy's: I was told I would get a paragraph to bash someone or something or some such. So I choose Wendy's. I know their square burgers are the envy of the fast food world but Wendy is a fickle bitch. Why is it that everytime Ms. Wendy comes out with a new and delicious sandwich she only takes it away from those who love it after a month? Most recently many of my burger eating chums lamented the loss of the Spicy Baconator. To me, a Wendy's vet, it was nothing new. Oh, I remember the days of the Wild Mountain Chicken Sandwich and how she snatched that away from our hands. Wendy stop playing with our grease covered hearts!

-Spurrier:

He's just checking if he remembered to wipe…mmm the smell of failure

We're rolling through the Top 25 and getting ever closer to kickoff. Just one week from today. John Radcliff brings the West Virginia preview. John blogs about West Virginia at Mountain Lair and writes for FanHouse.

Strengths

Guns and Moonshine are plentiful, and the mountains create a natural barrier against invaders. Oh, football strengths? Guns and Moonshine are plentiful, and that gives opposing fans and teams an uneasy feeling from the moment they enter the state until the moment they leave. We’re $4 million richer! Most of the dead weight is gone from last years coaching staff, but we really wish we could have kept Barwis. You laugh, but Mr. Rogers accepted a modest salary to ensure a significant upgrade at every assistant coaching position. He may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he’s smart enough to know he’s not the brains of the operation. And he’s smart enough to know that bubble screens = fail. Something DickRod couldn’t wrap his rather large noggin around. And yeah, Pat White, Noel Devine, most of the receiving corps, and the five starting offensive linemen return. We also have a linebacker named John Holmes that is rather skilled at plugging holes. And South Florida comes to Morgantown in December this year, where it will be cold and miserable and they will not have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning.

Weaknesses

Whiskey, ATV’s, MILF’s, and 28 point spreads. Sadly, Owen Schmitt has left the building. Instead of retiring his number, we retired the fullback position. Seriously, we’ve gone to the H-back. Because after him, what’s the point? Also lost to graduation were 4 of our 5 starting defensive backs. Receiver Darius Reynaud and Defensive End Johnny Dingle left early so they could go undrafted and shine on someone’s practice squad for a couple years until the truth sets in. Why this matters to you? No more Dingle-Berry pictures. So if you want a weakness for this year’s team, it will be the defense.

Rivalry

Among older Mountaineer fans the saying goes, “Penn St. sucks, but Pitt swallows.” Sadly, Penn St. isn’t on the schedule anymore. You can point at the heated series that has developed between West Virginia and Louisville, or the fact that South Florida is the only Big East team with a winning record against the Mountaineers since the new Big East took shape. But neither of those are a drop in the bucket compared to the ocean of hate we have for Pitt. In a sense, Penn St. leaving for the Big 11 10 helped make this rivalry what it is today. Without an instate rival, both Pitt and West Virginia are free to direct their hatred at each other 365 days a year (yes Marshall, you suck so bad you can only be mentioned in parentheses). The leader of the hate squad for West Virginia always has been and always will be the Voice of the Mountaineer and the Pittsburg Steelers, Jack Fleming. You hear his voice every time you see a video of the Immaculate Reception. Like most West Virginia fans, Fleming was brought up to hate Pitt.

"Jack Fleming's house was above the old stadium," Cook continued. "He told me, when he was a child, Pitt would come out on the field, and he would sit on his mother's lap. His mother would point down at them. And his mother would say, 'Son, that's Pitt. You hate Pitt now. You hate Pitt tomorrow. You hate Pitt until the day you die. After that, you will hate Pitt for eternity.' "

As for Pitt, I don’t know and I don’t care. He’s from Pitt and he swallows. That’s all you really need to know.

At long last, we enter the top 10. Your author is Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation. He's also the author of The Eyes of Texas 2008. You'll be happy to know that the above picture of Jenna Bush rocking the longhorn sign sent Muslim hearts spinning because they believed it was a sign of Satan. Oklahoma and Arkansas natives have never felt so in tune with their Muslim brothers. Without further ado, here we go.

TEXAS’ GREATEST STRENGTH

William Larry Muschamp.

I shouldn’t have to elaborate, but this is Deadspin, where college football has for too long been an afterthought. A word of advice: Don’t let Will Muschamp find out. So intense is Texas’ new defensive coordinator that starting linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy has dreams about Muschamp yelling at him for screwing up.

Will Muschamp is the guy who screams profanities on national television, a man so intense his disciples wouldn’t blink if they saw him grab a bird from mid-flight, bite off its head, and then scream at its decapitated carcass for being too dumb to realize it shouldn’t be flying nearby.

He’s read that list of things Chuck Norris can do. And he hopes to meet the man himself so he can spit on his nappy beard and tell him that Texas Walker Ranger was a crime against humanity.

Will Muschamp thinks ‘defense’ is a misnomer. Because he’s training a war machine in Austin, and with it he intends to impose his will. The defenders this fall will be the pale-with-fear offensive linemen worrying about how to avoid having their quarterback killed.

He is Will Muschamp. Wear a helmet, motherfuckers.

TEXAS’ GREATEST WEAKNESS

On the flipside, every Texas fan should tell you the only thing standing between the Longhorns and a national title run is The Mack Clap.

If Will Muschamp is everything that is dark and angry and aggressive, The Mack Clap is the yellow ribbon from junior high that sissified parents hand out to everyone who participates. A visual and auditory reinforcement of failure. Too much love. Acceptance of the idea that trying hard is okay.

It is not. Winning is okay. Everything else is just frill.

This is the internal battle brewing in Austin, between the way things have been (Vince Young era excepted) and the way Will Muschamp wants them to be. If this is the Mack Brown you see this fall… look out.

A SHOT AT THE RIVAL

This summer Orson and I devoted a podcast to imagining the wine critic Robert Parker as a college football connoisseur. On Oklahoma, I can’t imagine a better way to describe them than how I imagined Robert Parker might:

“Oklahoma: as though Franzia had discarded the box concept in favor of used kerosene drums, a repugnant combination of biting acidity and malodorous toxins, packaged for sale to the lowliest lifeforms on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner—pun intended—we return the entire state to the Native Americans, the better.”

Amen.

Hook ‘em.

War Eagle! My favorite time of the year is just around the corner as it is almost Auburn football time. Coming off of a year that had some major highs (beating Florida in the Swamp and the sixth straight win over Bama) and some major lows (losing to South Florida and LSU at the last second), Auburn is stocked and ready to take their place atop the SEC once again. With the majority of tough games being at home, the Tigers are poised to make noise on the national scene as well and hopefully not get rammed in the ass like in 2004. So get out your nicest orange shirt, stock up on toilet paper for Toomers and lets get this season rolling!

Strengths

The two major strengths for Auburn during the Tuberville era have always been the defense and the plethora of running backs. (Also a strength? Tuberville and crews’ 9-3 record in the last 12 games against teams in the Top 10). Leading the defense is the man, the myth. the legend Tray Blackmon. You might recognize Blackmon from his previous works such as “How to Make Tebow Cry like the Bitch He Is,” “Auburn Football Player or Runaway Locomotive?” and "A Bama Player’s Flirtation with Death.” (See video below) On the defensive line, preseason All-American Sen’Derrick Marks will make life hell all season long for opposing quarterbacks. Much more so than if he was just Derrick.

As for the running backs, the two-headed monster of Brad Lester and Ben Tate will continue the tradition of Auburn having bad-ass running backs. Lester, who has now been at Auburn for what seems like seven years, is the more mobile shifty of the two while Tate is a beast who will not only run you over but call your mother a slut while doing it.

Weaknesses

The one major weakness coming into the 2008 campaign is the play of the wide receivers. Can they hold on to the ball this year? I mean, it really isn’t THAT hard to catch a football. In fact, I caught a few passes in Central Park the other day. (I run a sick out pattern). I long for the days of Devin Aromashodu and Ben Obomanu and not solely based on the fact that their names were so much fun to say. If the likes of Rodgeriqus Smith, Tim Hawthorne and Robert Dunn can step up, the offense could put up some huge numbers and points.

The quarterback situation is not what I would call a weakness per se but more of a quandary. Kodi Burns, who filled in quite nicely for Cox at times last year, and Chris Todd are in a dead heat for the starting position and the keys to the new spread offense that Tony Franklin has brought from the Troy “We finally realized we aren’t a State” Trojans. Tuberville has stated that both will play in the beginning of the season until one sets itself apart.

Rant and Your Team Sucks Section

There are many things that I could go on a rant about here including the major ass fucking Auburn received in 2004 by the BCS, the fact that 90% of Alabama’s fan base could not find Tuscaloosa on a map, the major accomplishment that Bob Stoops pulls off each week by blowing every media voter, that every college football program has their own pregame “Walk” now even though Auburn started the damn tradition many years ago, Lou Holtz and the fact that ESPN doesn’t realize he is a bitter demented old man and the fact I would love to see Bobby Petrino and Nick Saban find themselves in the Rawhide bar in Chelsea when it just happened to be prisoner parole week.

But I am going to sink even lower and go after a fellow member of the Auburn family. Bobby Lowder, the booster who rules Auburn like Hitler ruled Nazi Germany, is the biggest douche bag, fuck hat, son of a bitch that ever existed. To this day, if I ever see Lowder in person, I will immediately punch the skinny E.T. looking asshole right in the kisser. Lowder has pissed all Auburn people off for a very long time but when he tried to oust Tuberville, he made an enemy for life. So Bobby, if you are reading this and we all know you are egotistical enough to google yourself and Auburn preview every day of every year, I challenge you to a duel at midfield before the Southern Mississippi game on September 6th. If you refuse and puss out, fine. But if you fuck with my boy Tubs one more time, you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. (PLEASE don’t take my diploma away!)

Also, Bama fans can suck it. 7 in a row this year bitches!

War Eagle!

We're rolling through the college football top 25. Today we get things started with a photoshopped Mark Mangino. Can things get any better for Kansans? The season countdown has entered single digits. We're just nine days away from the glory that is Vanderbilt @ Miami-Ohio. Today's Kansas preview is brought to us by Ryan Patton of the very solid Kansas blog linked here.

Don’t Fuck with the Mangenius

I know what you're thinking and the answer is a resounding, "yes!" Of course I would give anything to see the Big Man trade spots with John Turturro and don the Jesus' pedderass purple bowling suit. And no, I probably wouldn't ever recover. But it would totally be worth it. Unfortunately, I'll likely have to settle for black velour suits. What? That's not what you were thinking?

Expectations

Very well, instead we’ll talk about the Jayhawks and their very rare lofty preseason ranking. In fact it's so rare that it's only happened five times in the history of the AP poll. Yet still, many (even Mark May!) are saying that they are likely to be this year's disappointment. Yeah, the team has been ranked a grand total of five times in the preseason and you think they're going to disappoint?

Mangino Eats Expectations for Breakfast

And probably a few other high calorie treats as well, but that’s neither here nor there. Hell, the fact that anyone outside of the Big XII now knows Kansas has a football team is a shit ton of progress for us that witnessed the Terry Allen years ('97-'01). And no, you shouldn't feel bad for not knowing who Terry Allen is. In fact, you should feel blessed. When Mangino took over for said dipshit he brought along Bob Stoops to one of the first team workouts and Stoops informed him that he had at most three legitimate Division I athletes on his roster. So there's that. And sadly there are many more similar stories.

Yet in just his sixth season he managed to notch a BCS victory. Kansas now has exactly the same amount of BCS wins as: Nebraska, Florida State, Tennessee and Michigan. They have now exceeded the number of BCS wins by Frank Beamer and his football sized goiter. They also have more than that booger munching team from the east (Methzouri, for the lay person), who has never seen a BCS game (or Final Four). But I digress.

The truth of the matter is that until recently I was extremely worried about this season. For one thing, as the old adage goes, it’s tough to get to the top, but it’s a lot tougher to stay there. And frankly, I figured the team was likely to get a little complacent after last season’s success. And when you combine that with the loss of some seniors, some talent and a much more difficult schedule things could get ugly. Especially at a school that has never gone to bowls in back-to-back seasons in its storied history. Enter Mangino.

For a guy that obviously exercises zero discipline in regards to his physical appearance, he is a notorious bastard when it comes to his football team. To be sure, Kansas is quite a ways away from fielding a team with comparable talent to OU, Texas, even Nebraska, and probably over half of the teams in the SEC. In short, without a similar attention to detail (first in TO margin, 3rd in penalties, etc.) they probably won’t be nearly as successful. But with the rotund dictator at the helm I’m not expecting a huge drop-off.

Offense

As for the personnel, they won’t look like LSU when they walk off the bus. But that’s the beauty of college football. And the spread offense. As long as you can keep them guessing there is no reason that a quarterback who looks more like a frat guy than a football player can’t throw for 3500 yards, 33 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions. In the interest of keeping things succinct, if he does that again, you’re going to be hearing about Kansas a lot later in the season than you’re used to.

Offensively they have to replace their tackles (Collins and Rodriguez), their TE (Fine), a WR (Henry) and a RB (McAnderson). The latter two are very replaceable. I have my doubts for the others, but I’m under the impression that while the newbies may not be quite as good as their predecessors we shouldn’t expect a huge plummet either. They’re set at the skill positions and if the tackles come along as they’re supposed to, there is no reason this offense shouldn’t be every bit as good as the one we saw last year. The stats may not be same, but the offense should be.

Defense

On this side of the ball they return 20 of 22 from their two-deep. Unfortunately, the two they lost were All Americans in CB Aqib Talib (1st) and DT James McClinton (2nd). Their replacements fall into the worry category as both were perennial starters and we haven’t known a defense without them for quite some time. But when you bring back nearly every starter and all of their backups from a defense that finished 12th nationally you’re not too worried about that side of the ball.

Throw in the fact that their “best in the Big XII” linebacking unit is led by Crazy Joe Davola (or Mortensen) and I really start to get giddy about watching this defense. Mortensen and Mike Rivera are known to prepare for games by slapping the shit out of each other repeatedly. And Mortensen wants to kill you. Like, seriously. As soon as he’s done with football he wants to join the Marines. To kill people. This is exactly what I’m looking for in a linebacker. And that’s why I’m expecting big things from the Kansas defense.

Special Teams

As optimistic as it sounds, my biggest worry with this team is its place kicker. Despite being a four year starter Scott Webb was never exactly Adam Vinatieri, but aside from that one game at Arrowhead (blurg) last year he was pretty dependable. As of yesterday it was a three man race, though none of them were considered very capable. As of today, that race could be down to one as presumed incumbent Stephen Hoge has left the team to pursue medical school and the slightly more capable Jacob Branstetter was informed that he may be academically ineligible. Not to pile on the guy when he’s down, but how in the shit can someone not qualify to play athletics for a state school?! That leaves Butler County Community College transfer Grady Fowler as the lone ranger. The extent of what I know about him is this: he was an honorable mention All American kicking for the 2007 JUCO national champion and he made 53/55 PATs and 8/12 FGs. Does Kathy Ireland still have any eligibility? She owes us…

Predictions

Since I've already made a short story long, let's just say that the fact that Kansas is even being analyzed means there is no way for this season to disappoint, despite the schedule strength increasingly greatly.

Almost Sure Wins (6): FIU, Louisiana Tech, Sam Houston St., @ Iowa State, Colorado, KSU
Almost Sure Losses (1): @ Oklahoma
Almost Sure Toss-ups (5): @ South Florida, Texas Tech, @ Nebraska, Texas, Methzouri (@ Arrowhead)

It's pretty easy to write off last year's success as a product of the schedule. And I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t all that tough. But lest we forget that with the exact same schedule the prior year they went 6-6 and were not invited to a bowl game. So obviously the team got better. And there were only two real changes, the offensive coordinator and the quarterback. Would they have gone 12-1 with this year's schedule? Unlikely. Will they do it this year? Almost assuredly not. In fact, I've gone on record as predicting 10-3 + a bowl game. And since I'm never right, I'll all but guarantee you that doesn't happen either. But shit, I know you wouldn’t have believed me if I’d try to predict a 12-1 season last year. And though you might not believe this one either, the fact that you’re even entertaining the thought is enough progress to keep me fat and giggly for the time being. Anything beyond that is just gravy.

Do I even need to say it?

1) Wisconsin's tight end is Travis Beckum, a 26-year-old taxi driver who's recently been discharged from Vietnam. As Beckum drives the dark, dirty streets of New York, the crime and squalor cloud his judgment and send him into a tailspin of violence, insonmia, and perversion. The ex-Marine trains himself as if he were readying for battle, and he plans to assassinate President Palatine, whom he once told he was his biggest supporter. Beckum's experiences with Iris, a young prostitute, eventually lead him to—

Wait, we're being told that the above story isn't about Wisconsin TE Travis Beckum, but is rather a plot synopsis from Martin Scorsese's classic 1976 drama Taxi Driver, where a young Robert DeNiro plays Travis Bickle. Travis Beckum, on the other hand, is the best tight end in the BXI. He has no evident plans to rid any city of any city sleaze, though, making him part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

2) Yes, Bret Bielema has an Iowa Tigerhawk tattoo on his ankle. Bielema was a walk-on-turned-captain at Iowa in the late 80s and early 90s. No, that doesn't affect his ability to coach a rival football team.

Nor is this his worst tattoo from a professional standpoint. Bielema also got the infamous belly-button-turned-monkey-colon tattoo in Cancun in '91, and both coaches and players are very upset about the graphic depiction of Joe Paterno violating a dolphin's blowhole that graces Bielema's left shoulder blade.

3) PJ Hill is perpetuating fraud on the NCAA by claiming junior status, when it's plainly obvious that he has been playing there for at least 5 years under that name, and for four years prior as "Ron Dayne." Hill is behind five giant Wisconsin-born coeds with cankles the size of Texas very good offensive linemen, and Wisconsin's running offense looks as good as ever. Fortunately for the elite in the Big Ten, their QB is Allan Evridge, a fifth-year Kansas State transfer who hasn't put in any meaningful minutes since high school. Shaky QB play and a brutal October slate (FACT: Wisconsin has never won at Iowa!) ensure that while the Badgers will undoubtedly win at least nine games on the year, they don't have a prayer of winning a championship.

Quarterback Graham Harrell and last year’s Biletnikoff Award winner, Michael Crabtree, lead Texas Tech into what they hope will be their break through season in both the Big 12 South and the BCS. Texas Tech returns 18 starters (ten on offense) and rides its highest preseason ranking in 31 years in this season’s quest to escape its reputation as the “also ran” of Texas college football. Harrell returns for his senior year and his third as a starter after once again putting up “holy shit” statistics last year (5,705 yards, 71.8% completion, 48 touchdowns and 14 interceptions is difficult on PlayStation even when you’re sober). Crabtree came into last year with expectations that he would contribute immediately, and put together such an outstanding year that he avoided the “system player” knock. Besides the two big stars, Tech has more depth and talent on both sides of the ball than ever. If the breakthrough doesn’t happen this year, then I’m giving up on football and throwing all of my support behind Tech’s Meat Judging team.

Mike Leach is entering what I think is his ninth season with Texas Tech (I can’t be expected to confirm this. I’m a fucking volunteer writer.) They call him the Mad Scientist. I don’t particularly like this nickname because (1) he’s a lawyer by training, not a scientist, and (2) although he’s peculiar, he doesn’t exhibit any signs of dementia. Nonetheless, he’s done a damn fine job. Regardless of whether we make big waves this year, he’s made Tech recognizable and relevant. That is no small task at a university with a relatively isolated campus that has to compete with Texas, Oklahoma, Aggieland, etc., etc.

Strengths:

It’s Texas Tech, so unless you’ve been in a coma the last 8 years, you know their strength is the passing game. They shouldn’t miss a beat this year with ten starters returning. Crabtree’s numbers will likely decline because of the added coverage he will draw. He’s still a badass and should open things up for other receivers like Eric “The Elf” Morris (5’8” 177lbs), Edward Britton, Detron Lewis, and a handful of others. Seriously, in an average season, 15 or 16 guys catch a pass.

At least early on, running back will be by committee with Shannon Woods, Aaron Crawford, and Baron Batch. Each of them is in the slightly undersized 5’11” 200lbs mold and they’re each pretty good in the open field.
The entire starting offensive line is back (although a couple of the starters are being challenged for their spots). The O-Line averages about 6’5” and 325lbs., and only gave up 18 sacks in 763 pass attempts last year. They also handled Chris Long pretty well last year in the Gator Bowl. (Side Note: If you watched that game, you know that Chris Long plays like someone put PCP on his cornflakes and lit a block of firecrackers in his ass.) Louis Vasquez is the name to remember, at least as the season begins.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #1: “If you get into a fight, don't take your helmet off. We're looking for smart football players, not dumb ones. In the interest of time, don't get into any more fights today."

Weaknesses:

Six months ago, I would say Tech’s biggest weakness is that they let opponents stomp a mud-hole in their ass with the running game. However, Tech has added a lot of quality depth to their defensive front seven in the off season (Tech only played 3 guys at DT last year in their 4-3 system). Chris Perry, Brandon Sesay and McKinner Dixon are all newcomers that should all contribute to the D-Line this year. Sophomore Coby Whitlock and junior Brandon Williams each appear to have the ability to play on Sunday.

That being said, the real weakness is consistency, both throughout the season and in individual games. There’s no room for a horrible loss to a bad team like years past with Colorado, Oklahoma State, Iowa State, New Mexico, etc.

Look no further than the last two bowl games for inconsistent play within a game (overcoming deficits of 31 and 14 points due primarily to inconsistent play and penalties). Although it is especially not cool to get a 21 point first half lead on Texas, prompting me to leave a buddy’s wedding reception in downtown Atlanta on Halloween weekend in search of a sports bar, then give up the lead and lose leading me to drunkenly scream at a television in the corner of said sports bar, all the while surrounded by southern metrosexuals in clever Halloween costumes. It was demoralizing to say the least.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #2: “We played two games out here today. We played a very poor one the first half, and we played a pretty good one the second half. The first half, Baylor's three defensive lineman consistently whipped our five offensive linemen. I'm very disappointed with the first half, pleased with the second half, so it's kind of a love hate game really."

Rival:

Aggieland refuses to acknowledge that Texas Tech is their rival. The fact that we’ve beaten them in 10 of the last 13 games makes me obliged to focus on them. It may surprise people unfamiliar with the Big 12, but I shit you not that most Aggie fans think A&M has a top 15, if not top 10 program. Thus, they cannot be bothered with lowly Texas Tech (I’m not making this shit up.) Maybe taking only three days to find a new coach, but more than 3 months to find a new mascot. (Reveille VIII was introduced on August 11) is what leaves Aggieland from being our “rival in denial” to being our “trap game” at best. Also, we kicked the shit out of them in Meat Judging last year.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #3: “Yeah, you've just got to work around the Corps. I think it's one of the greatest settings in college football, and they've got those guys with swords marching around. I'll make my annual plea that I think the opposing team should be given some swords too, and after the game, we'll give them back so the next opposing team can use the swords. I don't think it's fair that just one side should have swords. But I do think the Corps, in and of itself, is impressive. They march around there and sometimes you have to dodge between columns to get to the locker room, but you work through that."

Much has been said of the Arizona State Sun Devils and their Sept. 20 match-up with the Puppy Dawgs from Georgia. The problem is that it is too early to give a full preview without knowing what players for Georgia will be on the field and which ones will be getting jazzed up for their booking photos. In the Tempe area, the buzz is that this game is going to mirror the '96 Nebraska game where the goalposts were carried down to Mill Avenue after a 19-0 victory over the #1 Huskers. There are some similarities to '96 (like a Summer Olympics preceding the game and an aging war veteran running for commander-in-chief). That's where the similarities end though.

Taking down Nebraska in '96 was epic with the Sun Devils ended a potential dynasty that night behind Derrick Rodgers' monster performance, setting the course for their doomed national title run. A big win against Georgia will just heat up the debate of "which conference is better, the Pac-10 or the SEC", even though the Big 12 probably has the best talent this season. Don't get me wrong, I want us to beat Georgia. LSU came into our house in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in September of '05 and inexplicably came out with a victory, considering Early Doucet was out of bounds on that 4th down throw from Jamarcus Russell. Nothing would be sweeter than to see ASU beat the #1 team in the nation and notch a victory for the Pac-10. In the back of my mind though, I know Georgia IS returning 18 starters (well maybe 3 by gametime, stay tuned) including Mel Kiper's wet dream at QB and ESPN the Mag and Sporting News coverboy Knowshon Moreno in the backfield. The fans stormed the field rather prematurely in wins over Cal and Arizona (games we should have won anyways), so hopefully we can do it for a worthy cause on September 20th.

Our 10-3 record was somewhat of a surprise last season. The 2007 Sun Devils were known to get off to late starts, including early deficits to Colorado and Oregon State only to come back and win big. But whenever ASU played a team with any real talent they floundered. They got it handed to them up at Autzen Stadium, where Omar Bolden tore Dennis Dixon's ACL about 2 quarters too late. USC came down on Thanksgiving and showed us what a real defense was (thanks Rey Maualuga). After another Territorial Cup victory, ASU had high hopes going into the Holiday Bowl against Texas, only to have our QB write checks his ass couldn't cash.

Georgia fits right into this mold of upper-tier teams that ASU thinks they have a shot at. Recent history is working against the Devils, and there's no guarantee that this season's offensive line (0 career starts) will be any better than last year's joke of a protection unit (55 sacks). Here's what to look for in the Sun Devils version 2008.

What's a Given:

- Mark May giving us the dreaded vote of confidence.
- Capitalizing off mistakes. This is how they turned those deficits into big victories in 2007. Even though it wasn't in a winning cause, after Mack Brown's stepson touched that ball in the infamous Holiday Bowl incident, Chris McGaha scored his only TD of the season and the Sun Devils were momentarily back in business.
- Keegan Herring turning nothing into something at least once a game
- Rudy Carpenter talking too much, yelling at his wide receivers after they mess up on routes, and being praised by analysts as being "tough, gritty and resilient." He's an easy target in more ways than one, especially when you don pink instead of school colors at a home basketball game when it isn't benefiting the Susan G. Komen Foundation.
- Backup QB Danny Sullivan's face to turning to ghostly white when Rudy Carpenter takes too long to get up.
- Thomas Weber sealing up another Groza award. He won the award last season with the second worst offensive line in the country (thanks, Notre Dame) protecting him.
- Willie Tuitama going 0-4 against ASU, taking his big arm to the wide open spaces of the CFL.

What To Watch For:

- The use of 5-wide formations, giving Rudy Carpenter the chance to break every major Pac-10 record while padding his stats for the next level.
-Stanford in Week 2. With all eyes on September 20th, it wouldn't be much of a surprise to get a scare from the Cardinal, who are looking to avenge the beatdown we gave them in Palo Alto last season.
- If we're down a score at USC with the clock winding down, Dennis Erickson will not punt.
- Speed - after getting burned by USC, Oregon, and Texas a year ago - look for the Devils to up the tempo on both sides of the ball
- Grades - almost everyone qualified academically! This is a new Dennis Erickson!
- Teams looking to exploit our secondary with big targets. Considering our linebackers and line are actually pretty solid against the run, watch for Georgia to exploit our small and weak tackling secondary through the use of Mohamed Massaquoi, Kenneth Harris and 6'6 tight end Tripp Chandler. Fred Davis can attribute at least one extra 0 in his signing bonus to our inability to cover the big target.
- Even though WR Mike Jones was a late pick in the MLB draft by the Yankees, you may hear Roger Goodell call his name come April. The guy is incredible to watch in person.
- Chris McGaha is single-handedly making the White receiver matter again. His only TD was in the Holiday Bowl, but he usually set up most of ASU's goal line situations with big catches.

Key Players -

Offense - Dmitri Nance - The thunder to Keegan Herring's lightning - Nance must produce in short yardage and red zone situations to keep defenses guessing at all times.

Defense - Terrell Carr - Omar Bolden owns one side of the field - JUCO transfer Terrell Carr will be the CB opposite of Bolden and trying to mark his ownership on the other side of the field. If Carr can turn into a playmaker, he can seal up an ASU secondary that showed flashes of brilliance in 2007.

Breakout Players -

Offense - Kerry Taylor - A sure-handed sophomore, Taylor will reap the benefits of opponents double covering Mike Jones and Chris McGaha.

Defense - Tank English - A massive human being and a brick wall on the D-Line, English can wreak havoc and stuff the run game by himself.

Expectations

The Stormin’ Mormons are hoping to become the latest non-Big 6 conference team to kick in the front door at the BCS bonanza. They have hope because there was little turnover from last year’s team that went 11-2 (8-0) and won the Mountain West conference. Junior quarterback Max Hall is seeking to build on his very successful sophomore season and lead Cougars to the BCS. Every year the media seems to crown one smaller conference school as their darling for the season. This year it's BYU. So watch out Clemson, Texas Tech, Penn State, etc. after you supposed big boys fail to win your conference BYU wants one of your at-large spots.

Know that Cougar

Most devout college football fans know Max Hall, but what about the rest of the team… Harvey Unga and Fui Vakapuna are the one-two punch at running back that will give the offense needed balance. At no point will any television announcer correctly pronounce these two men's names. Unga had a nice 1,200 yard 13 touchdown 2007 season while Fui is trying to stay healthy and look like the beast he was in 2006. The offensive line is anchored by senior tackle Dallas Reynolds and they should be a solid unit.

The defensive line is led by the best overall talent on the team DE Jan Jorgensen. Jorgensen had 19 sacks last year and needs only 1.5 more to become MWC’s all time leader. However, the early success of BYU will depend on how
long it takes talented but inexperienced corners Scott Johnson and Brandon Howard to play well. BYU is going to need them on top of their game on September 13 when UCLA comes to town.

BYU Wouldn’t Piss on Utah if they were on Fire

The Holy War has been being played since the 1895-1896 season when BYU was known as Brigham Young Academy. All time they are 33-52 against Utah, but are winners of the last two. The Cougars are salivating about facing off
against Utah and stepping on their neck on the way to an undefeated season and the BCS. On their behalf let me say the following: fuck you Utah on November 22nd we are going to cram your gimmicky spread offense straight up your assholes. In fact, Jim McMahon just might come back and do it himself.

We're working our way through the top 25. Dan Rubenstein brings the love for the #20 Oregon Ducks today.

Strengths

I like the uniforms, whatever. I said it. Let's move on.

Oregon's strength starts at the top. Mike Bellotti is going into his 14th season as head coach and it seems like he's going to be in Eugene for the long haul. Coordinators have come and gone, a lot of them to head coaching jobs around the country, but Bellotti is still in charge (with or without the 'stache). Primarily, the Ducks have always been strong offensively, especially last year where they pretty much demolished everyone until Dennis Dixon's knee exploded.

This year, despite the deserved praise of offensive coordinator Chip Kelly, the experienced unit (heh, experienced unit) is the defense. The secondary in particular looks to be among the best in the country, with junior corners Jarius Byrd and Walter Thurmond III entering their third season of starting duty (heh, duty), and rover (safety) Patrick Chung coming back to the Ducks after a brief flirtation with the NFL Draft. Also, Nick Reed, a scrappy, slightly undersized senior DE returns after leading the Pac-10 in sacks and TFL.

That said, the offense should probably develop pretty shortly into the season. RS Soph Nate Costa (coming off his own exploding knee) is the probable opening day QB, Sr Jaison Williams could destroy the conference if he stops dropping the easy ones, the line has a significant amount of experience (don't forget about the questionably-costumed beefcake calendar), and RBs Jeremiah Johnson (another 'sploded knee from last year) and JUCO transfer LaGarette Blount.

Off Topic: The swoosh is awesome.

Also, the Ducks now have the biggest video screen in the conference, making it that much easier to enjoy the bright unis (the kids love 'em!) and the hands-down best cheerleading squad (I love 'em!) in the country no matter where you are in the stadium. Pervs rejoice!

Weakness

Dennis Dixon, Jonathan Stewart, and two starting offensive linemen are gone.

During the offseason, the Ducks have also lost probable starting WLB Kevin Garrett to an indefinite suspension, probable starting WR Derrick Jones to academics and run-ins with the law (no longer enrolled), and most tragic, RS Freshman safety, Todd Doxey drowned last month in a river in Eugene. All three were expected to contribute to different degrees, and it's obviously yet to be seen how the Doxey situation affects the season.

In all fairness, the season is pretty much a toss-up. Given how inexperienced and unproven the Ducks appear to be at key positions (QB, WR, DT) and how the schedule looks (USC, ASU, Cal, OSU on the road), they could lose 4-5 games if they quickly lose the momentum of '07.

The Ducks have both Purdue (road) and Boise St. early on, both potentially losable games.

The front seven is still somewhat questionable after Nick Reed. Like every year, they'll have a couple bad games giving up way too many yards on the ground. Not Washington Bad©, mind you, but still unfortunate. Which brings us to...

Rivalry

Traditionally, you've got your Civil War (OSU) and Border War Game (Washington), but Beavers seem to have more of a problem with Duck fans, where as Duck fans look at the folks in Corvallis as their significantly more "rural" little siblings. Yes, OSU has won two in a row, but last year took double OT with a fifth string RS Fr. QB and a hurried, missed 40 yd FG to seal the deal.

Washington seems to be much more fun because they used to be respectable as recently as the early '00s, but are now horrendously bad at playing football in the Pac-10. Look for Phil Knight to do everything he can to keep Ty Willingham in power at UW next year.

Two years ago, Pete Caroll yelled "Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You" at the Oregon sideline when Mike Bellotti challenged a challenge and won. The Ducks lost the game, but 'lil Petey sure did get prickly. Oh, and Oregon went ahead and beat SC last year, so there's that. Not a rivalry, but fun to see LA's best bandwagon fans get pissy.

Today's Penn State preview is brought to you by Run Up the Score of the excellent Penn State blog blackshoediaries.

It was only 10 or 20 years ago that you could count on Penn State for three things — classically drab blue and white uniforms, All-American linebackers, and soul-crushing offensive linemen with names ending in "-ski", "-wicz", and "-skiwicz". The uniforms and linebackers have been omnipresent, even throughout what Nittany Lions fans refer to as The Dark Years — that smoking crater of horrific football between 2000 and 2004 best represented by a numbing 6-4 loss to Iowa, in which Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz ordered his team to take a safety late in the fourth quarter, daring Penn State to merely drive for a winning field goal. (That strategy worked flawlessly, by the way.) However, 2007 marked the return of a dominant Penn State offensive line, perhaps the best since PSU's unbeaten 1994 season, even as opposing defenses crowded the line of scrimmage and begged Anthony Morelli to throw the football. That entire offensive line returns this year with a nod to the Lions of yore — sophomore guard Stefen Wisniewski. That unit will be called upon to ease the transition into what Offensive Coordinator/Piñata Jay Paterno calls the "Spread HD" offense, which will allegedly resemble the diverse attack built around Michael Robinson during Penn State's 12-1 Orange Bowl run in 2005.

Uncharacteristically, it's the back half of the defense that has the potential to derail this year's team. Sean Lee — team captain, certain Butkus Award finalist, and certified crazy-eyed killah — blew out his ACL during spring practice. In his absence, a mix of unproven and presently undistinguished players will have to brought along quickly in order to provide support for a secondary which lost Justin King to the NFL and will shuffle Tony Davis back to cornerback after a year at safety.

Rivalry?
What is this rivalry you speak of? For better or worse, Pitt has been banished from the schedule. Michigan and Ohio State have each other. None of this is likely to change anytime soon. That leaves Penn State fans with no other option than to formally embrace the rivalry imposed on us by the Big Ten when we joined the conference in 1993 — the season-ending game against Michigan State, another program seeking something other than a "little brother" rivalry. So let's drop the needy Skunkbear and Buckstache envy and declare war — it is motherfucking on, Sparty. We hereby question the sexual orientation of your players and the dietary excesses of your women (okay, with two notable exceptions). Thanks for designing this giant piece of shit. Oh, and please just finish the job by stapling a drool cup onto the lovechild of Purdue Pete and Testudo that you call a mascot. If this year's contest is truly Joe Paterno's last game at Beaver Stadium, here's hoping the old man hangs a hundred on you as a parting gift.

When most people hear the words, “Wake Forest University”, the first thought that enters their heads probably involves Tim Duncan, former Naismith POY/Wooden Award-winning Deacon basketball player and current Most Boring NBA Superstar Who Has Ever Lived – or, for the more dedicated ACC fan, Chris Paul sucker-punching Julius Hodge in the balls. Or for the older crowd, perhaps Billy Packer, Wake Forest class of ’62, recently terminated CBS hoops announcer, and spawn of Satan.

The point? The concept of “Wake Forest football” doesn’t exactly register with most people. It’s a shame, too, since Wake Forest has taken big steps in recent years – both on the field and off – to convince fans nationwide that their school isn’t just a one-dimensional basketball school or an incestuous breeding ground for extremely bright, wealthy, obnoxious private-school-educated asswipes. That, of course, would be conference mate Duke.

Cozy Groves Stadium has officially taken the leap into corporate sponsorship – hello, BB&T Field! – to coincide with what could be a special year for Wake football. Over the past two seasons – since then-redshirt freshman Riley Skinner took over at quarterback for an injured Ben Mauk in the first game of the 2006 season – the Deacs have tied for the third-most victories of any team in the ACC with 20, just one victory behind Virginia Tech and Boston College. And now Skinner enters his junior season with a running game behind him consisting of more than just converted wide receivers and fifth-string emergency tailbacks – a good thing, too, because Riley’s hair (your bearded associate editor may call them ‘Bama Bangs, though Skinner hails from the very un-Alabama state of Florida) are dangerously close to becoming an impediment to his eyesight.

Sophomore tailback Josh Adams made himself impossible to keep off the field last season, as he eventually stole the bulk of the offense’s carries from Micah Andews en route to a 953-yard, 11-TD season and ACC Offensive Rookie of the Year accolades. This year, Adams enters the year as perhaps the conference’s best running back and will be expected to carry the offensive load after the departure of receiver/running back/return specialist/stadium vendor Kenneth Moore, who was drafted by the Detroit Lions and, as such, will likely never be heard from again. The offensive line loses three starters from its 2007 group, but should be able to withstand the losses, as the O-line is probably Wake’s single unit best stocked with young talent.

The real strength of this year’s team is its defense, which returns nine of eleven starters, including cornerback Alphonso Smith and his eight interceptions in 2007 – including three for touchdowns – and safety Chip Vaughn, undoubtedly the toughest guy in the country named Chip (even beating out teammate Chip Brinkman…and no – as far as I know, that is not a name stolen from a 1980’s high school movie bully). The linebacking corps of Aaron Curry, Stanley Arnoux and Chantz McClinic may be the conference’s best outside of Florida State, and since we know that at least two of the ‘Noles will probably be arrested before the season begins, I’m just going to go ahead and call the Deacons’ group superior right now. The entire defense should force turnovers incessantly and be nearly impossible for most of the inept offenses of the ACC to score upon, allowing Wake to play the field position game for its ground control offense and stellar kicking game, anchored by kicker/punter Sam Swank.

As for the schedule – it should be presented with the disclaimer that virtually no ACC team plays a difficult schedule – it’s exceedingly manageable, with the only tough road test being a date in Tallahassee against a Florida State team theDeacons have beaten in consecutive seasons (including a 30-0 ass-pounding administered to the Seminoles in Doak Campbell Stadium in the Deacs’ last visit). The toughest game by far appears to be the Thursday night nationally-televised home game against Clemson on October 9th. Despite Wake Forest’s success over the past two seasons, the Tigers remain the one team they just can’t figure out, getting destroyed in Clemson last year and losing a heartbreaker at home during the 2006 campaign thanks in part to a blocked field goal return for a touchdown. The good news? Wake Forest could win the rest of its conference games and not even show up for the Clemson game, concede an “L” and feel confident knowing that Clemson is going to relinquish the division to Wake by losing at least two games it shouldn’t lose.

Anyway, Wake Forest has finally found its own particular formula for remaining a good team in the wide-open ACC: a safe, methodical offense and a defense that is smart and forces turnovers, all capped off by great special teams play. It may not be exciting, but their habit of putting up more victories than teams with far more future NFL players doesn’t figure to end any time soon. I expect this year’s Deacons squad to win the ACC – meaning a likely Orange Bowl date with Big East favorite West (Fucking) Virginia – or at the very least, to return to Skinner’s hometown of Jacksonville in a Gator Bowl appearance. After the season, big-pocketed suitors will throw millions at coach Jim Grobe and he will remain faithful to The Little School That Could. Meanwhile, Clemson and its team full of future pros will go 8-4 and play in the Astroglide Bowl in December and, in spite of this, Tommy Bowden will get another raise.

I'll start again.

Michigan's main asset this year is Mike Fucking Barwis. Raised by wolves in the northern reaches of the Yukon Territory, a bloodied Barwis wandered into Morgantown, West Virginia several years ago without knowledge of human civilization. Though Morgantown failed to provide such knowledge, it was close to Pittsburgh. To this day Barwis has not discussed the circumstances of his escape, his arduous journey across most of a continent, or the two-ton grizzly bear corpse he arrived with and refers to only as "Jerry Hinnen, formerly of the Saline Reporter."

In West Virginia, Barwis — and, yes, Jerry — shaped a rag-tag bunch of coal miners and convicted felons into a team good enough to choke away the national championship game and thereby facilitate Rodriguez's departure from West Virginia. (Woo!) Steve Slaton ran past everyone. So did Pat White. Owen Schmitt broke facemasks. The defense was kind of shockingly good given the coal-miners-and-felons thing.When eight-time All American center Dan Mozes arrived on the West Virginia campus, he was a canned ham. Four months later he assassinated Franz Ferdinand from the future.
Barwis also gave birth to a litter of wolves during this time. They are currently the light heavyweight UFC champions.
Also, the defense returns seven starters, including what should be a hellacious set of defensive ends and cornerbacks. And our punter is named "Zoltan" and he is a space emperor.
Also-also, the new defensive coordinator looks exactly like 80s-era professional wrestler IRS.

So we've got that going for us.

WEAKNESSES.

The departures of Jake Long, Mike Hart, Chad Henne, Adrian Arrington, and Mario Manningham to the NFL, Adam Kraus and Alex Mitchell to... uh... somewhere that is not the NFL, Ryan Mallett to the seventh circle of Hell (in Fayetteville, Arkansas, unsurprisingly), and Justin Boren to the maw of Satan himself — sorry, Judas, you're out — leave Michigan critically short on offense.
Steve Schilling will be the only offensive lineman. This may be problematic, as projected starting quarterback Steven Threet was recruited to be your standard gumpy white artillery-piece Michigan quarterback. He is rumored to have legs, but this is unconfirmed. Rich Rodriguez prefers his quarterbacks to be barely competent throwers who can teleport into the endzone. Threet... eh... not so much. There are also no wide receivers. Threet projects to be sacked 6,500 times next year, slightly less than Jimmy Clausen in 2007. But he'll be way less fey doing it, goddammit.
Really, I think we just want to make a bowl game here.

INSERT RIVAL HERE, YOU SUCK.

Michigan is unusual in that it has three major rivals — Ohio State, Notre Dame, and Michigan State, in that order — and three or four other teams who are under the misapprehension that Michigan fans give a flying crap about them, Illinois and Penn State most prominently. So there are choices aplenty here.
Ohio State's out, despite being the A1 rival, because what the hell am I supposed to say: remember 2003!!! Douchebags!!! BET YOU HATE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW DESPITE THAT BEING MICHIGAN'S ONLY VICTORY IN THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. Also, Jim Tressel is so incredibly boring there's nothing to taunt him about. Next.
Michigan State is unattractive, too. Does anyone care even in the slightest about the Big Ten's most perennially mediocre team? Since Southern teams stopped being all racist and stuff and started recruiting the big fast black guys in their midst, stripping Michigan State of the one strategy that ever made them more than dead weight, they've been One Year Away for 40 years. State has had a better record than Michigan once since Bo's arrival. Batshit crazy Mark Dantonio is the latest coach to throw his sanity away on the task of bringing State's resources (meh) in line with their fans' expectations (BEET MICHIGUN BRAH I AM SOOO DRUNK RIGHT NOW); expect him to be dragged away to Arkham Asylum in three years.
As for Notre Dame, there's nothing that can be said that Yakety Sax can't say.

(That second is courtesy the Hoover Street Rag.)
In conclusion, you will die unremembered and alone, fans of rivals. Little children will laugh at your gravestones because they will say you had the misfortune to be raised a trucker, retard, or communist. I hope you all endure the heartbreak of psoriasis.