First off, are you aware that there were a record 2.5 Jews playing for the US (Benny The Yid Feilhaber, Jonathan Spector and half of Jonathan Bornstein)? That in itself would have made yesterday's match historic. But there were so many other reasons to cherish the game.

For one thing, it was one of those rare finals of a major soccer tournament in which both teams came to play. Too often, high stakes mean tight sphincters, and the result is a dour and defensive struggle that can be coma-inducing to the casual fan. But yesterday's game was end-to-end stuff, much of it electrifying. How about that lightning counterattack that led to the US's second goal? That was right out of Brazil's Jogo Bonito playbook. In fact, it was almost a carbon copy of the devastating breakaway Brazil scored against the US in their first matchup — but Donovan's cool finish was even better than Robinho's.

I've never been part of the Landycakes, cult but he made a believer out of me in this tournament. He's always been our most technically skilled player, but it was his work rate that blew me away. He never stopped digging for balls and running at defenders.

That is not to say he's on the same level as Kaka and Robinho, who spread doom and gloom where ever they go on the field. American soccer is simply not built to produce players of that pedigree. These are guys who grew up with the ball Velcroed to their foot from the time they could walk. They played on the sandlots of Brazil where they honed their jaw-dropping moves; most of the American players who are products of college soccer, where the emphasis is on athleticism and physicality.

But after upsetting Spain and leading Brazil for 73 minutes, the gulf in class is closing. The danger, however, is to think that it will disappear any time soon.

Still: I'm actually somewhat relieved that we didn't win. Had we beaten mighty Brazil, can you imagine how hysterical the media would have been, given that, according to the Times, we'd already pulled off The Miracle on Grass against Spain? The last thing the US needs is for people to start predicting we're going to win the next World Cup or even make it to the semis. We've always benefited from the fact that the elite teams don't take us seriously so we can sneak up on them, but once you beat Brazil in a final, even if it's only the Confederations Cup, you lose that element of surprise.

You have a target on your backs that screams "Brazil-killers." I think we can do without that for the time being.

Yes, we are all proud of "our boys" for almost beating Brazil, but if it was any other sport—i.e., one that Americans understood a little better—wouldn't we be lambasting the men's national team for blowing a 2-0 halftime lead in a championship game? I guess this wasn't another "game that changes everything." As long as losing to Brazil is met with shrugs of "Well, they are Brazil" then America is probably going to remain a second-class soccer citizen.

That is just fine, by the way, because according to the American Enterprise Institute, soccer is a socialist sport that rewards undeserving lazy teams, instead of good democratic ones. You see, Gary Schmitt—one of the founders of neoconservative outfit Project for the New American Century—has determined through a rigorous examination of his kids' pee-wee games that better, more dominant teams always lose in soccer, which is why Latin Americans and Europeans (a.k.a., people on welfare) love it so much. The U.S. stinks at soccer because our players don't believe in the redistribution of wins. I feel better already.

The Not-so-beautiful Game [The Enterprise Blog]
US takes big strides at Confederations Cup [USA Today]
South Africa passes World Cup test [BBC]
Confederations Cup: The Excitement Is Unbelieveable! [Goal]

*Actually, the next international match is this weekend in the first round of the CONCACAF Gold Cup (that's the "confederation" the U.S. won in 2007 to get into the Confederations Cup), but the roster will be completely different than the one from Sunday. So we'll see if Saturday's game against Grenada leads SportsCenter that evening.

The ploy didn't work for South Africa, but still, a few rolls of Charmin might come in handy. You never know.

*****

Thanks for your continued support on Deadspin, especially on summer Saturdays. Barry Petchesky's on board tomorrow, so look forward to that. Now go outside while the sun's still out.

Whenever it knocks off a highly-regarded opponent, the United States tends to draw hyperbolic responses from the press. Every major win — hell, even a notable tie — is greeted with an almost unparalleled optimism for the future of the game. This one will impact the country's appreciation of soccer, aficionados claim, citing all the same reasons. You just watch.

And yes, maybe the Yanks' win over Spain will be The One, especially if they couple it with another Greatest Win Ever against Brazil tomorrow. But if history is any indication, then this unbridled glee will disappear soon, at least until the U.S. returns to South Africa next year. And then, if it advances past the round robin stage, we'll hear the same echoes of hope, just as we have in the past:

1994 World Cup: U.S. 2, Colombia 1

"This game is going to have a permanent effect" on soccer in America, said Alan Rothenberg, president of the United States Soccer Federation. "It's the biggest so far in history."

1995 Copa America: U.S. 3, Argentina 0

The United States defeated Argentina, 3-0, in the Copa America tournament tonight, and in the process engineered one of the most significant victories in American soccer history. For Argentina — a two-time World Cup champion and the two-time defending champion of this South American tournament — the game was supposed to be a warmup for the quarterfinals, as it already had clinched a berth. The United States, however, refused to play the role of sparring partner and scored two goals in the first half to quickly knock out one of the best teams in the world.

"I think this is the first step . . . to become a major soccer power," said midfielder Cobi Jones, who played brilliantly.

1998 Gold Cup: U.S. 1, Brazil 0

"It states we can play with anyone in the world, and on occasion, beat the best in the world," U.S. coach Steve Sampson said. "I think a lot of people are going to pay a lot more respect to the United States. ... We've made enormous strides. Is it like winning a Super Bowl? No, not yet. It's just not that way in this country. But we hope the sport will continue to grow."

2002 World Cup: U.S. 3, Portugal 2

There is little question there is a significant appetite for top-level soccer in the United States. The 1994 World Cup and 1999 Women's World Cups were successes, and World Cup qualifiers and marquee foreign opposition continue to draw fans in the tens of thousands. The problem that still plagues MLS, however, is convincing those fans that its product is worth sampling on a regular basis.

"What you saw today was the beginning of the emergence of our league. It establishes our credibility within the soccer audience that exists in this country," Gazidis said.

But if the U.S. shocks Brazil tomorrow? Forget I even mentioned this. We'll be too busy celebrating in the streets with vuvuzelas.

Remember the Miracle On Ice? [NYT]
Biggest U.S. win ever? [Fox Sports]
Not America's Game [NYT]

While this story about a certain soccer team's late-night exploits has sparked media attention in recent days, it has been all but ignored in Egypt, where the Ministry of Information controls all editorial content. One Deadspin reader speaks "passable Arabic" — don't we all? — and scoured one of the top Egyptian dailies, Al-Ahram, to read its dispatches from South Africa. The Arabic edition of the newspaper chose not to feature its soccer team's allegedly scandalous behavior, burying it below other eye-grabbing headlines like: "Outside the circle of light" and "News read soon: a contract extension Hassan Shehata." (Thanks, Mr. Google!)

Aforementioned dear reader was kind enough to put his Arabic skills to work and serve as Deadspin's official translator/liaison to Egyptian media matters:

The Egyptian embassy in South Africa is closely following the event of the robbery of members of the National team during their participation in the Confederation Cup.

The announcement was made by Mona Amr Mussad, foreign minister for African affairs, who said:

The government of South Africa desires to contain this incident and not to intensify it, and to maintain relations between Egypt and South Africa. In addition, the foreign ministry has been sent a number of cables from the South African embassy in Cairo praising the performance and behavior of the national team during the tournament, and wishing them well for their participation in the 2010 World Cup.

Mini Amr said: The lawsuit against the paper that published the story that some of the national team players were accompanied by girls will occur after the completion of the investigation into the events of the theft, and he also said:

It is preferable that the newspaper apologizes in the appropriate manner, and that the apology is preferred to initiating judicial proceedings, which are not beneficial to relations between the two countries. The ministry has indicated that it has accompanied the national team in several encounters with African countries, and noticed disciplined and positive behavior from all the players. What happened in South Africa is irresponsible conduct from an irresponsible newspaper and this matter should not be seen as something larger than it really is.

It's different take from "Allah is punishing them for consorting with prostitutes," but I suppose that's the beauty of the free press. We're all entitled to our own facts.

?????? [Al-Ahram]
Foreign Affairs is closely watching South Africa pays tribute to team discipline [Google Translated Al-Ahram]
Earlier: The Egyptian Soccer Whore Debate Rages On [Deadspin]

The sound is from the vuvuzela, South Africa's answer to the Thunderstick. By itself, it's just a small plastic trumpet that probably cost less than a dollar to make and creates no known musical notes. But when thousands of people toot them simultaneously, you get a loud, incessant hum that makes the entire stadium sound like it's being attacked by angry bees. It's a staple at any South African soccer match and ... surprise! Everyone hates it!

FIFA president Sepp Blatter revealed this week that broadcasters want the instrument banned at next year's World Cup.

But to his eternal credit, the Fifa chief also sprang to the defence of the humble trumpet, saying people must accept that it is part and parcel of football in South Africa.

"That is what African and South Africa football is all about - noise, excitement, dancing, shouting and enjoyment," said the most powerful man in world football.

European fans, both at the tournament and at home, have been complaining about the non-stop trumpeting from the riff raff in the upper deck. Even some of the players would like to see a ban on the plastic toys that stadiums give out for free. (They can't concentrate!) Fortunately, there's very little racial or political tension between the Dark Continent and its former European oppressors, so I'm sure that when millions of Northern Hemisphere-type folks flood the country next summer for the biggest sporting event in history they will be totally tolerant of this charming, yet insanely annoying, local custom.

Why can't South Africans enjoy soccer like normal folks—with racist songs and flare guns!

Vuvuzelas set to take World Cup by storm [AFP]
In defence of the vuvuzela [BBC]
Mute button not an option for the punters [Brisbane Times]
No Racism Allowed in Football - Blatter [All Africa]
Money will talk louder than any vuvuzela [Reuters]
Africa responding to noise of the vuvuzela [ESPN]

The robbery report was initially a black eye to South Africa, which desperately needs to convince the rest of the planet that they can come to the World Cup next year and not get ravaged by thugs, charlatans, and grifters on their way in from the airport. Then came rumors that it wasn't South Africa's lawless wild west show that plagued the Egyptians, but the "ladies of the evening" that they invited into their own hotel rooms to celebrate last Thursday's 1-0 victory over Italy in the Confederations Cup. The players originally cried that it must have been hotel staff who "ransacked" their rooms while they were out, losing about $2,400 in cash.

But police in JoBurg (that's Johannesburg to you Yanks) say they have video of "scantily clad women moving in and out of rooms at what looked like a party" and none of the rooms' electronic safes were opened. The Egypytians are shocked—shocked—at these accusations and ask that you please don't tell their wives about it, although the South Africans might try just about any ruse imaginable to make the world's soccer fans believe that their state is not, and I quote, "a crime hellhole."

Unless you love hookers, obviously, in which case the sky's the limit.

Carousing Egyptians caught with pants down [Sunday Independent]
Egyptian players' version of theft a ruse? [Independent Online]
Reported Burglary of Egyptian Players Turns Tawdry [NY Times]
South African Media: Egypt Players Were Robbed By Prostitutes, Not Burglars [Goal]
No sex, we're Egyptian, says soccer team [Independent Online]

The U.S. soccer team was a rotting corpse and, if you listen to the person who hacked into Eric Wynalda's website, afraid to "get dirt in their pussies" but somehow the U.S. team achieved the three goal victory over Egypt that it needed and the Italians lost 3-0 to Brazil to ensure the U.S. marches on in the Confederations Cup tournament. The Italian coach sobbed during the post-defeat press conference.

****

Good morning. It's Monday. Here's something femme and chilly.

Imagine if the Washington Nationals, née Expos, reached the playoffs. (A stretch, but stay with me here.) Now imagine Montreal getting invaded, bombed, and torn asunder by terrorism and American troops. Imagine Miss South Carolina mentioning Montreal during a pageant. Okay, then you might have a comparative situation on your hands. That's roughly what the Iraq soccer team — who won the Asian Cup two years ago, making them eligible to play in the 2009 Confederations Cup — went through. They practiced outside of the country, while terrorists were plotting against them.

"A lot of the players were under threat of kidnap or assassination," explained [British journalist James] Montague. "On the one hand, you had players who played abroad in Qatar, so they were worth money to their families, and they became targets of criminals and extortion.

"Terrorist groups would also target players because their victory was a nationalistic symbol; it was a unifying force, which both al-Qaeda and more separatist Shia elements and Kurdish elements were against."

Their head coach has taken five other countries to the World Cup, including the United States. Four of those teams advanced beyond pool play. This team — a mix of Shia, Sunni, and Kurdish players — has no chance of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup, sadly, so they're playing for pride, respect, and perhaps a Disney movie.

They are a hundred-to-one shot, doc, to win the tournament. Only New Zealand has steeper odds. And whaddya know, Iraq is in the same pool with the Kiwis, along with Spain (yikes) and South Africa, whom they play against in their first match tomorrow. At least I think it's tomorrow. Because it's hosted in South Africa, it may have already happened this morning.

The US troops may have given them democracy, but if they also gave them soccer advice, expect Iraq's time in the tournament to be brief.

Iraqi team a beacon of hope and possibility [CBC]
Milutinovic, Soccer's Happy Nomad, Has Deadly Serious Job in Iraq [New York Times]

* * * * *

This has been a Deadspin Saturday production, sponsored by Colon Blow. Be courteous to your editor tomorrow.