The game is Saturday, and it looks like Sussex County Cricket Club will be without its mascot, Sid the Shark, because Lord's bans fancy dress. (Got that?) There's even a makeshift petition to let Sid into Lords. Yep, that's right: Hawks are trying to prevent shark discrimination at a cricket match, because the wee tykes are paralyzingly sad.

Harry Gape, 11, of Eastbourne, added: "It is so unfair. Sid is great fun and everyone will miss him if they don't change their minds.

"Sid is not like the vicious shark in Jaws, he is really friendly and has never bitten anyone."

Poor little kid. He just doesn't understand that Lords is simply scared of a shark changing the complexion of their club.

Lord's shark mascot ban attacked [BBC]
Lord's in Shark attack! [Sussex Cricket Club]

Caption: England's Andrew Flintoff, kneeling, claims the wicket of Australia's Peter Siddle during the final day of the second Ashes Test cricket match at Lord's cricket ground, London, Monday July 20, 2009. (AP Photo/Tom Hevezi)

I have no idea what that means or what is happening in this photo. But I did learn there are five tests in this historic ongoing series between England and Australia, each test lasts five days (as you know) and the first test this year was a draw. A five-day sporting event that ended in a draw. Hard to believe that cricket hasn't caught on here in the States. I will now go microwave my breakfast.

* * * * *

Welcome to Monday. I studiously avoided the internet since Friday afternoon, but I assume nothing interesting happened anywhere.

Wait ... there's Americans ... there's Americans on the moon?

(That's rendered in quotes because for all we know about the sport, the roster of every actual South American team is composed entirely of strippers paid to prance around a stadium in spandex pants while spanking each other with cricket bats. Also, a guy in a bee costume is probably involved.) A close study of the various photos posted on Nah Right does reveal some suspicious shadows around the players' badonkular regions, as if some Photoshopping prankster was trying a little too hard to convince us that these are naturally occurring posteriors. But in the end, we're the trusting sort, and have faith that these are nothing more than the work of a dedicated Panamanian fan who just wanted to document the majesty of his favorite game for a worldwide community of like-minded self-abusers.

BK Cyph - Ode To Panamanian Cricket [Nah Right]

The Sri Lankan cricket team was attacked by armed gunmen while on their way to a match in Pakistan today. Eight members of the team were injured, but seven Pakistani security men and a driver were killed in the ambush. Ironically, the Sri Lankans only agreed to go to Pakistan as a show of good faith, because the Indian team pulled out of a scheduled tour of the country after the the Mumbai terrorist attacks. As if any thing these idiots wanted—which is impossible to determine since they won't claim responsibility for the act and are still at large—had anything to do with cricket.

Oh, and the 2011 Cricket World Cup is supposed to be played in Pakistan, but good luck with that.

Gunmen attack Sri Lankan cricket team in Pakistan [Christian Science Monitor]
Recent history of cricket and terrorism [CNN]
Beyond The Boundary [Times of India]
Chris Broad hailed as hero after Lahore attack [Guardian]
Witness account of Pakistan attack [Al Jazeera]
No Pakistan cricket any time soon: ICC [The Age]

Poor kids; why must we mock them so? Because that's what we do.

A junior cricket team took up an embarrassing place in history when they were all out for four runs. Chippenham under-11s were chasing a total of 129 set by their opponents, Marshfield, but had nine ducks, six batsmen bowled out, two run-outs, one catch and a stumping during their 20-minute innings.

Sounds like they could be describing the NBA Finals so far.

And now my list of cricket terms which sound like sexual positions but aren't:

Sticky Dog

Duckworth-Lewis Method

Daisy Cutter

Getting Your Eye In

Corridor Of Uncertainty

Donkey Drop

Dibbly Dobbly

All Out For Four: Young Cricketers' Abysmal Record [London Times]

In response, India threated to skip Cricket Australia, an event that features Australia, India and Sri Lanka. ESPN owns the rights to that telecast, and was having none of that, threatening to sue the whole tournament for breach of contract.

"We told them (CA) point-blank that if India withdraws from the one-day series because of the Aussies' inflexibility over dropping charges against Bhajji, we would incur nearly $60 million worth of revenue loss. Since that was unacceptable to us, we would be left with no choice but to file a lawsuit against them," the [ESPN] official said.

The Australians promptly dropped the charge.

For an American sports equivalent, let's say the Cowboys were supposed to play the Packers on Monday Night Football. A week before the game, Brett Favre said something offensive about Terrell Owens, and the Cowboys vowed they wouldn't play out of protest. So ESPN sued to force them to play. Fortunately, none of this would ever happen.

The moral: American sports are so much simpler, and ESPN can now bring nations to its knees. (Or something like that.)

ESPN Threat To Aussies [Telegraph India]

Noted for his good looks and charm, Khan was not shy about his Western ways during his days at Oxford University and as a world-class cricket player. He drank alcohol, dated society women and eventually married Jemima, a British heiress of Jewish heritage. By the late 1990s, a more devoutly religious Khan emerged onto Pakistan's often corrupt and chaotic political scene. He swore off alcohol and presented himself as just the man to clean up politics.

Proving once again that cricket will never be taken seriously until its stars get their priorities straight, and begin electrocuting dogs.

Pakistan's Imran Khan On Hunger Strike [Associated Press]

Warne had split from his wife because of alleged philandering, but they gave it another shot late last year. And then he accidentally sent her the wrong text message from London.

As Callahan got the couple's three children ready for school in Melbourne, a text dropped into the inbox of her mobile phone, she told New Idea magazine. "Hey beautiful, I'm just talking to my kids, the back door's open," the message from Warne said.

We've never accidentally sent a text message to the wrong person, but we don't know anything about cricket either. It's possible it's just part of the sport; perhaps his wife should try to be a little more understanding of his career.

Text Messaging Can Be Confused [With Leather]

Dave Shows Off Crocked Fingers [The Sun, via SportsbyBrooks]

A post-mortem examination established that the former England player had died as a result of "manual strangulation", police commissioner Lucius Thomas said. "In these circumstances, the matter of Mr Woolmer's death is now being treated as murder," he told a news conference. Police say Mr Woolmer may have known his killer or killers. Police said there were no signs of forced entry into his room and none of his possessions had been taken. Authorities are studying CCTV footage from the hotel.

Police don't know yet if the motive was Pakistan's loss — a cricket fan explained the significance of loss to us as, "Imagine Kansas losing to Prairie View A&M in the first round of the tournament by 40 points" — or potential gambling-related issues, but no matter what, it's enough reason for us to look at cricket, put our hands in the air, palms out, and slowly walk backwards away.

Pakistan Coach Woolmer Was Killed [BBC]

Ben Foster sweated blood trying to come up with the world's first eco-friendly cricket box. But, while the 23-year-old proved that his biodegradable invention could protect the environment — and his pride and joy — it did nothing for his head. He was struck in the face by a delivery from fast bowler Charlie Shreck as he put the Eco Box protector through its paces yesterday.

For those who don't speak cricket, Foster invented a protective cup that can be thrown away after each use. Unfortunately, while testing it, he was struck in the face with a cricket ball. Other key portions of the Metro.com UK story:

• Shreck, Nottinghamshire's player of the year, decided to bang a ball in short so it bounced high... and split the batsman's eyebrow.

• Mr. Foster, a communications officer at the Eden Project in Cornwall, said: "I am perfectly fine in the box region, it is my head that's sore."

Coincidentally, that second one is the exact quote that Miss America used in her press conference with Donald Trump.

One In The Eye For The Super Box [Metro UK]

Someone sent us this photo from sort of cricket match this weekend. We don't watch cricket — we know, like, one guy who does, and he doesn't know who Peyton Manning is, if that tells you anything — so we're not up on the rules.

But we cannot figure out what possible physical course of action could have inspired this picture to happen. Where's the ball? What is the guy on the left swinging at? What's with the Travolta move from the guy on the right? Anybody out there watch cricket? Is this photo staged?

Oh, and do all referees wear that hat?

England-Pakistan [Yahoo Photos]