One would think it would be difficult to gain too much notoriety as a defense attorney in Columbus, Ohio, but, then again, we are talking about Ohio State here. Oh, and guys who rob grocery stores wearing chicken suits. No, really. In 2004, Donald Haines robbed two Kroger stores wearing a chicken suit. What makes this story even stranger? Haines had previously worked as Kroger's mascot, Pepe the Penguin. And Settina represented him, saying, ""something snapped in Mr. Haines' head." (We'll guess it was a rubber band. Just one, though.)

After you've defended the chicken suit guy, Maurice Clarett, jeez, that's easy.

Clarett Posts $50,000 Bond For Club Robbery [The Lantern]
'Chicken Suit' Robber Sentenced [Local6]

Reardon was arrested Friday on suspicion of armed robbery in Florida. It might not have been the most well-thought-out crime.

The 50-year-old former All Star entered a mall Hamilton Jewelers store and handed a clerk a note demanding money. The clerk, believing Reardon had a gun, filled a bag with an undisclosed amount of cash.

Reardon fled the store with the cash and was followed by the store manager. Police arrived and arrested Reardon without incident outside a P.F. Chang's restaurant. The money was recovered at the same time.

You might say that this crime was the act of a desperate man whose prime has long since passed him and he has awakened to a world that no longer cheers him, or needs him. Or you can see it for the TRUTH. And that truth is that there is an international crime syndicate composed entirely of former closers. Tom Henke is the muscle, Dennis Eckersley the flamboyant assassin, Rollie Fingers is the detonation expert and beyond it all, the mysterious figure in charge of everything, lurks Lee Smith, sitting in a large chair in a dimly lit boardroom somewhere, petting a cat and planning the next big score. Jeff Reardon? Jeff Reardon was a PATSY, man!

Reardon Arrested In Florida [Baseball Think Factory]

But hey, what more we good for here but to bring people back in the public eye? A reader tips us off that the once-bronzed Packer is now working as a research assistant at The Boyle Law Group in Milwaukee. Chmura is featured on the firm's site, though, perhaps wisely, his biography is listed as "coming soon."

Mark Chmura [Boyle Law Group]
Mark Chmura Case Archive [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]

Now, we certainly won't argue that a fair number of athletes get themselves into trouble, perhaps even at a higher rate than the population at large (though somehow we kind of doubt it; from our experience, the real bad kids were the ones kicked off the team). But we have to wonder about the "questionnaires designed to measure their moral reasoning abilities." What were the questions? Who were these athletes? (Were they all from Idaho?) Were they pro athletes? College? High school? What sport do they play? What about their background? Can we compare the answers to society? How about those sainted, sin-free athletes from 40 years ago?

Can the study give us any of this info? Or are they just capitalizing on a smattering of tired sportswriters eager to jump on the "Athletes Are Bad Because They Do Elaborate Celebrations In The End Zone" angle? Whatever the answer is, we see that it has worked out for those who conducted the study; professor Susan Stoll has been hired by the Atlanta Braves to come up with a teaching curriculum. Perhaps she should come up with a lesson for their manager.

In Sports, There Aren't Many Morals To The Story [AP] (via Sports Hooligan)

This amuses us greatly, of course, and not just because those three guys are a definitive downgrade from Brian Urlacher or, even, ack, Nick Lachey. In fact, we're most amused by Verba's addition to the quintet. Verba, who played for the Cleveland Browns and Green Bay Packers, came into the league as a noted and loud Christian missionary, talking with much passion about how he found Jesus Christ three days before he was drafted in 1997. That changed pretty quick, particularly when his wife divorced him in 2003. After that, Verba's reported problems with gambling sent him in an entirely different direction, including once winning $500,000 in a casino and spending most of it on hosting a swimsuit party. Earlier this year, police investigated charges that a woman was drugged and raped at a party at Verba's Cleveland home.

And now he's hanging out with Paris Hilton and Tara Reid. (And Bob Sura, of course.) We're not sure who hurts whose reputation more.

On The Town [Las Vegas Review Journal]
Ross Verba Testimony [To The Next Level]
Verba Says Goodbye To Football [Green Bay Press Gazette]
Police Reveal Second Rape At Verba's Home [WKYC]

You'll find great names like Bears "legend" Jim McMahon, Jets defensive lineman John Abraham and Lions not-gay quarterback Jeff Garcia. The all-time winner? Frostberg State field hockey player Carly Cross, who was nailed at the end of last year (underage, no less) and clocked a .365. How bad is that? According to the Blood Alcohol Content Calculator, a 100-pound person could have eight doubles on the rocks in an hour and only be at .36. Pretty amazing.

The Top 20 Blood Alcohol Content Leaders (Athlete Division) [BadJocks]
Blood Alcohol Content Calculator [University of Oklahoma Police Department]

All right. We know what you really want to know. Fine: The NFL hasn't decided yet on a potential suspension for McMichael, so, sigh, he should be fine for your Week 1 fantasy roster. Go ahead.

McMichael Gets Probation [Sun-Sentinel]
McMichael Gets Early Jump On Training Camp With Wife [Deadspin]

Well, Green just plead out with prosecutors, and he'll do some community service, mostly picking up trash and trying not to punch anyone. But now that he has admitted at least some guilt, the NFL can punish him, perhaps even suspending him for a couple of games to start the season. This is as good a time as any to remind that Green went to Nebraska, by the way.

Green Could Play After Deal [Watertown Daily Times]
EARLIER: Green Pleads Not Guilty [JS Online]

"I just happened to be looking in that direction because I saw this other basketball player — Richard Hamilton from the Detroit Pistons — shaking hands and saying hello to Shaq. A couple seconds later it just looked like Shaq completely snapped. He turned around and punched this [other] guy right in the face. He totally laid him out with one punch and then he did kind of a running punch when the guy was already on the ground. After that the entire VIP area just collapsed on the guy," said partygoer Jean-Paul Bermudez, who took off with the rest of the crowd without getting the clumsy guest's name.

We mean, just imagine. You're partying it up at the VMAs, you've had a bit to drink, you stumble for a moment into some lady, you hear a yell and then, next thing you know, your skull has been crushed into powder. Makes us want to stay home tonight.

Who's Fighting Now? [Miami New Times] (third item)

Highlights include:

• Monique Bradley suffering a bloody lip when Bradley "grabbed her right hand and pushed her hand against her mouth."
• Bradley holding his wife against a wall by placing his right forearm across her throat. When he finally let her go, she immediately went to the bathroom and vomited. She was four months pregnant at the time.
• Monique said Bradley used his hand to grab her hand to force her to hit herself in the face, which was a funny trick when you were 15 but fails to qualify as such here.

Monique Bradley, mercifully, is still pregnant. All three calls were made within a 33-day period; Bradley was not arrested for any of the offenses. In a statement, he called the reports "exaggerated." Stay classy, Milton Bradley.

Bradley Had Problems At Home Too [LA Times]

He was released without bond after spending a night in jail, where it's very possible he was used precisely in the same way as his namesake.

Reds Pitcher Bong Arrested [Dayton Daily News]

Robinson Doesn't Know When To Say When [Tacoma News Tribune]

From the Miami Herald:

According to the report, four witnesses told police they saw McMichael, who is 6-3 and 245 pounds, throw his wife from the car. One witness said McMichael threw his wife away from the vehicle several times. Cawanna McMichael, 22, was found by police with drops of blood on her shirt and told police the contact with her husband was an accident from him throwing her belongings. She was treated at the scene of the alleged incident.

You know the charge is serious when McMichael's agent, the notorious Drew Rosenhaus, actually refuses to comment.

McMichael Arrest For Assault [Miami Herald]
Grow Up, Randy [MiamiFootball365]

Simpson is not pressing charges. He can take care of this one himself.

O.J. Caught Up In Brawl With Ex [Contact Music]
O.J. Simpson Admits Murder [Kaos2000]

If you missed it, the three players are charged with assault and accused of beating up a male stripper in April 2003. Prosecutors say the players jumped out of a cab and attacked Adrian Cimpean — which is totally the name we'd imagine for a Toronto stripper, by the way — as he left a club with his fiancee. Cimpean, who says he is too emotionally distraught to strip since (we know how he feels), claims that the players called him the n-word during the beating, even though Cassell, Payton and Caffey are black and Cimpean is not. The trial is supposed to last all week; Raptors general manager Rob Babcock is expected to trade for Cimpean, pending a plea agreement.

Assault Accuser Ready To Sue [Toronto Star]

At an arraignment yesterday, Grieco filed one charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon — a bat — against Taylor's co-defendant, Charles Elwood Caughman , 19, of Baltimore. Police have said that on June 1, Taylor drove his sports utility vehicle, with Caughman inside, and with several other friends trailing in another car, into a Miami neighborhood to settle a dispute over the NFL player's two stolen all-terrain vehicles.

According to police reports, Taylor got out of the car and pointed a gun at two people and demanded the return of his ATVs. No shots were fired but Taylor returned shortly thereafter with more friends, police said. The second time, Taylor hit one person with his fist during a scuffle, the report said, while Caughman chased the second victim with a bat.

Taylor could face up to three years in jail ... minimum. When Redskins coach Joe Gibbs sleeps at night, he dreams of cars going in circles ... and circles ... and circles ...

Redskins' Taylor Could Face Charges Today [Washington Post]

According to The Wall Street Journal, fans don't know the half of it. The story details how most fines end up being settled behind the scenes, with agents often making sure the players pay any fine at all. This might seem like an outrage to some, but hey, at least the guy's they're giving the breaks to are good citizens.

Among the athletes who've enjoyed relief from a stiff fine: NBA guard Latrell Sprewell — who actually made money on a $25,000 penalty, because a corporate sponsor stepped in to pay it and the fine was later dropped by his team — and pitcher John Rocker, who ended up paying just $500 of the $20,000 penalty originally imposed by Major League Baseball for his remarks about minorities and homosexuals.

The story also highlights Trail Blazers forward Darius Miles, who was fined $150,000 for cursing at his coach in practice. Where's that money now? Sitting in an escrow account until the Trail Blazers decide how much they will actually collect. Being an athlete is so hard.

When Players Don't Pay [WSJ.com] (subscription required)

Highlights from the press conference:

People think four months isn't a long time, but day-to-day, that's a real long time. It's a lesson for kids out there: Be careful who you hang around with, because it can all come back to haunt you. I never knew a conspiracy could be that serious, that you could get in trouble just for talking to somebody. Lesson learned.

He doesn't appear to have any tattoos of "Cindy" or "Bottom" on his face, from what we can tell, so that's a start.

Lewis Released From Prison [Baltimore Sun]

"Most players today are pussies."

"I would love to have prostitutes in the game. I would hope that someone would send one to Quentin Sands. Wear his ass out."

"Oh boy, I should've used [the Whizzinator]. Are you kidding me? Believe me, they know when you're trying to cheat. I've tried everything."

"You got people grabbing nuts, trying to poke your eyes out. Anything under that huddle where the referees can't see is legal as far as we were concerned. It's like this game, everything is legal."

If you didn't say "Lawrence Taylor," well, you're an idiot.

Lawrence Taylor: Getting Blitzed [IGN.com]
Blitz: The League [IGN.com]

[All told, we won't lie: That game sounds REALLY fun.]

Lewis Released From Prison [Baltimore Sun]