Ronaldo was formally introduced as the newest member of Spain's Yankees. He came out in his new uniform, kicked a ball around for a few seconds and bathed in unashamed adoration. Fans made signs, painted their bodies, and even stormed on the field to get tackled by security. Most actual games don't have this much action.

So anyway no pressure, Chris. It only cost $131 million to bring you there and the fact that the Champions League final will be your home stadium next year, shouldn't really concern you. I'm sure the 80,000 crazy people will understand if it doesn't work out.

Real Madrid Flaunts Its Costly Superstar [NY Times]
Thousands greet Cristiano Ronaldo's "dream" move to Real Madrid [Soccernet]

Here's tan, wealthy soccer person Cristiano Ronaldo, either getting a massage or having psychic-surgery performed on him poolside in Vegas, possibly to remove any lingering diseases that may have been left behind by some of his recent sexual partners. But either way — you can't do this in private? Look how embarrassed that woman looks. And that masseuse.

More photos at TotalProSports

****

Good morning. It's Thursday. Sculpt something massive.

This news may come as a mild shock to Man U fans since their manager, Alex Ferguson is on record saying ... and I quote ... "I wouldn't sell that mob a virus." Also, unlike A.C. Milan, the Red Devils are not exactly hurting for cash. (Or maybe they are?) They've been repeatedly listed as the most valuable franchise in any sport, anywhere in the world. But this is what is known as "an offer you can't refuse." United paid about $20 million for Ronaldo in 2003, so it safe to say they made a good investment.

On a related note, if you're having trouble paying your bills in this depressed economy, might I suggest moving to Spain? In the span of three days, Madrid has plunked down approximately $225 million for two players and that's not even counting the money that they have to pay the two men to actually play soccer. Both could earn in the neighborhood of $10 million a year. Plus, they get siestas over there!

The good news for any remaining English fans who might have been biting their tongues as long as the Portuguese Devil was playing in the Premiership, is that they are now free to hate Ronaldo with clear, rage-filled consciences. Judging by the reaction on the BBC, the Man U faithful aren't exactly broken up about this breakup. Sure, he was a great player who scored a ton of goals and helped us win titles ... but fuck that whinging, dive-happy S.O.B.

Plus, as one fan pointed out, if someone would just loan them another $10 million they could buy Newcastle.

Man Utd accept £80m Ronaldo bid [BBC]
Manchester United accept Real Madrid's £80m bid for Ronaldo [ESPN]

Luana Belletti holds the deadly combination of being of Italian ancestry and Brazilian birth, a mixture that typically renders men incapable of resisting her charms. (Translation: "She's a babe.") Since she could have any man in the world, she naturally chose the most famous man in her brother's chosen field, who also happens to work for his organization's hated league rival. At least the boys will have something to talk about on the field next season!

Incredibly, one version of the story claims Juliano fixed the two up—the all speak Portuguese, you know—which means the guy is either immune to jeering insults about his sister's virtue, or she's a spy planning to lure Ronaldo into a daze of lover's bliss and then dump his heartsick ass the day before the next Chelsea tilt at Old Trafford. Hey, I've seen Footballer's Wives.

And thus concludes your daily WAG update. Was it good for you too?

Cristiano Ronaldo's latest WAG is a Chelsea player's sister! [The Spoiler]
CRISTIANO RONALDO DIVES IN TO SISTER OF CHELSEA STAR [People.uk]

A spokesman for 'gaygolddiggers' said, “Ronaldo’s ripped body, slicked-back hair, shiny white teeth and jewellery swung the votes his way. He looks like any gay man or woman’s dream. What with being Footballer of the Year, scoring 42 goals last season and former girlfriends saying he is talented off the pitch, he seems to have everything going for him.”

The rest of the top ten:

2. Kylie Minogue
3. Judy Garland
4. Elton John
5. Liza Minnelli
6. The Village People
7. David Beckham
8. George Michael
9. John Barrowman
10. Paul O'Grady

What, no Belichick? Stupid list. And you can't tell me Ronaldo wasn't scheming for this. It took me 30 minutes to find a photo of him wearing a shirt.

Ronaldo Wins Gay Icon Award [Goal.com]

If I weren't so filled with the milk — ok, beer — of human kindness, I would loathe Cristiano Ronaldo almost as much as I hate Tom Brady. Here's a guy who after sustaining a small gash on his left eyebrow — oh, the poor baby! — in a Champions League game last year said, "I don't like to look like this, but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again." Here's a guy who in the first sentence of his new book proclaims, "My name is Cristiano Ronaldo ... and I know this name means a lot to those who love football." Yeah, it also means a lot to those who love hair-gel, half-naked Vogue layouts, winking at refs and diving more than Jacques Cousteau.

Is it some sort of cosmic joke that a player who literally prances down the field, albeit fast, can haunt my dreams of Arsenal winning the Prem this season? I mean, it was bad enough that I was busted by Pauline, the longtime Irish bartender/den mother at Kinsale, for brandishing the new Penthouse as soon as I walked in.

"Lots of good articles in there, huh, Dave? " Pauline said to gales of derisive laughter. Tragically, I actually did bring it for the articles; well, one article anyway, in which Leitch's new book is excerpted amid a tsunami of pink. That's the kind of dedicated book editor I am. If one of my authors is published in a skin magazine, I'm man enough to go to the newsstand and buy it (though I think his girl-on-girl pictorial was a little skeevy).

Leitch's issue of Penthouse — when I finally got it back from Relegation Zone Mickey who, as he headed off to the men's room, also claimed to be a book editor — was certainly less troublesome than the copy of "Moments" that I pulled out on the subway later that day. Let me explain. The book was a Chanukah gift from a woman I know in England who, after reading last week's column about my new Arsenal yarmulke, thought it would be funny to send me a tome that featured 150 "sumptuous" photos of Ronaldo, only seven of which appeared to contain any articles of clothing other than a thong. Of course, I didn't know this when I cracked open "Moments" on the no. 6 train and glimpsed an oiled up Ronaldo executing a Triple Lindy.

At least this time he was diving into a pool of water instead of a penalty box. How gay was this book? Let me put it this way: I would have rather had Ricky Martin's photo album of his last beach vacation on my lap than be seen flipping through "Moments." When a passenger across from me gave me a Ronaldo-esque wink, I realized it was time to break out Leitch's Penthouse. Thanks, Will, for keeping me from getting ass-raped.

This episode occurred shortly after I had watched the Portuguese Dancing Queen in his new Bugatti-racing gold boots tear apart Newcastle with his first-ever hat-trick and came to the unhappy conclusion that the Gunners are fucked. To be sure, our weak-ass 1-1 draw against Birmingham didn't help things — will Cesc ever be the world-class player again he was before his injury? — but I'm afraid it's not how pedestrian Arsenal looked Saturday but how scary-good ManU did. You can make the case that Newcastle were a demoralized, rudderless shell of a team after Big Sam was sacked earlier in the week but you can't argue with a 6-0 dick-stomping that could have easily been double digits had it not been for five goalline clearances and any number of heroic saves from Shay Given.

This was a statement game for United, which essentially said "Anything Arsenal can do we can do better." You want sexy football? How about the lightening fast positional interchanges between Rooney and Tevez and the audacious skills of Ronaldo, who somehow cushioned Tevez's hard pass with his first touch, and, in one seamless movement, cooly jinked the on-rushing Given before slotting home to make it 3-0?

There really isn't any way to defend against this kind of improvisational genuis other than to kick Ronaldo up in the air, and even that is useless because he will flop a nanosecond before the tackle can scythe him down. And because he is moving at such warp speed and his legs are such a blur of stepovers and pullbacks, it's well nigh impossible for the human eye to distinguish between him simply kicking the ground and losing his balance and a player barging him over. Far be it from me to feel sorry for pretty boy thug Alan Smith, but the Newcastle forward hardly grazed Ronaldo in the 48th minute, and yet a free kick was awarded at the edge of the penalty area. It's Ronaldo's ability to con referees into giving him the benefit of the doubt that may be the greatest trick in his repertoire. But it's hardly the only one.

On the resulting free kick, everyone in the stadium expected him to unleash one of his surface-to-air screamers, but he cleverly waited for the Newcastle's defensive wall to jump and then hammered the ball underneath their airborne feet into the goal. So effortless was the shot that Ronaldo had a look on his face not of unbridled joy but of smug satisfaction.

It was a look I fear we will see a lot more in the coming months as United prance to another title. The diving little bitch.

• Chelsea and Liverpool go head-to-head in the Community Shield tomorrow. The coaches have already started needling each other. Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez had this quote: "They spend more than everybody else every summer, but when we put a side on the pitch against them they know we will match them." And Chelsea boss Jose Maurinho fired back with: "They will feel that they are in much better condition than Chelsea, so they have to win the game. If they lose against a Chelsea side at just 50% of their quality, that could affect their confidence ahead of the Premiership season."

• Manchester City's been so ravaged by injuries that manager Stuart Pearce had to name himself as a replacement player for a game against Japanese team Kashima Antlers last week. He probably should have stuck himself in the starting line-up, as City lost 4-3. The Blues also made a couple of minor transfer moves this week, picking up Swedish goalie Andreas Isaksson, and letting goalie David James walk to Portsmouth.

• It's not really Premiership-related, but it's worth noting that David Beckham's been unceremoniously dropped completely for England's national team. England plays Greece in a friendly on Wednesday, and Beckham won't be there. He's taking it pretty well, all things considered. "I'm proud to have played for England for 10 years and my passion for representing my country remains as strong as ever," he said. It seems like a little bit of scapegoating to me. No one had a great World Cup for England, but Beckham's the oft-criticized, high-profile guy, so the new coach makes his bold new statement by going after Beckham. Weak.

• Wayne insists that his genital-stomp of Ricardo Carvalho in England's World Cup quarterfinal loss to Portugal was not intentional. Said little Wayne, "If you think about it, if I'd done it deliberately, if it had been a definite stamp meant to harm him, the fella would still be in hospital to this day. But he was up on his feet in minutes, no worse for wear." I guess he's got a point there.

• He can't sleep without the light on, the TV on, and a vacuum cleaner running.

• He cried in the locker room after the loss to Portugal. Not because of the loss, but because of the sympathy his teammates had for him. "The players came over to me, one by one, and said things like: 'Don't worry, Wazza, it wasn't your fault.' That was when, for the first time, I felt a few tears come into my eyes."

• He admits to patronizing a prostitute, but says it occurred when he was 16, and he just did, "what lots of lads have always done for a few laughs." He calls it his biggest regret and something he's ashamed of.

• He, almost unfortunately, harbors no ill feelings towards Cristiano Ronaldo. Wayne says there was nothing but good-luck wishes between the two before the match, and that he sent Ronaldo a text message after the match against Portugal wishing him good luck through the rest of the tournament.

Wayne Rooney Scares Me [Mr. Irrelevant]
Rooney's revelations [Telegraph.co.uk]
'I can't sleep without the vacuum or hair dryer on' [DNA Sport]
Stamp was not deliberate - Rooney [BBC Sport]