• Get Ready For More Curt, Boston. There are certain people who are allowed to use the first-person plural possessive in blog entries. For some, it works. Curt Schilling is not one of those. From Schilling's 38 Pitches:

Talks with the Red Sox are moving. Theo and I have spoken multiple times daily over the past week and given the current situation I am feeling very confident that we will be able to finalize a 1 year contract to allow us a chance to finish our career as members of the Red Sox organization.

Schilling went on to say:

We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

My question: If Schilling already wrote farewell notes to all his teammates, should he be allowed back? My vote is no.

• Mets Will Take A Pass, Probably. The Mets have no real interest in Alex Rodriguez, according to Newsday. More likely is a push for Jose Contreras, Joe Blanton or Carlos Silva (better pitching? What a concept). But according to the New York Daily News, the Mets are making a big push for A-Rod. Hmm. [Newsday]

• Old Money. Yes son, we live in a country where a 42-year-old pitcher can make $10 million on a one-year contract. Greg Maddux will be back with the Padres for that amount, and unlike Clemens, he'll probably actually make a difference. Maddux will be joined in the lineup, of course, by Barry Bonds.* [ABC News]

• Escape From New York. Boy, now that George Steinbrenner is no longer totally in charge, it's just a giant conga line out the back door of Yankee Stadium. Next to diss the team: Andy Pettitte. [Pinstripe Alley]

* = May not be joined by Bonds.

Yes, I speak of course of John Denver, who is obviously guiding the Rockies' fortunes from above. This is the 10-year anniversary of the month that Denver died in a plane crash, leaving little doubt that the Rockies would reach October. One could hear Denver singing the strains of I Guess He'd Rather Be In Colorado as San Diego was losing to the Brewers, 11-6, to force the playoff. The Rockies have been to the postseason just once, in 1995. Colorado went 71-46 after May 22, when they were 8½ games back in the wild card race. That record was second only to the Yankees (74-45). Peavy is 0-0 with a 1.29 ERA in two starts against the Rockies this season. He is 4-4 lifetime against the Rockies, 3-3 with a 3.96 ERA at Coors Field. Colorado will counter with Josh Fogg, aka Dragonslayer, for his propensity to beat the other team's ace. Fogg is 1-1 with a 6.28 ERA in three starts against the Padres in this season. So anyway, this should be fun.

• The Philadelphia Story. We'll have more on this later — including detailed analysis from the Mets' perspective — but may I just say how happy I am that players from the winning team in the NL East celebrated by dousing their fans with a fire hose? You so rarely see that in sports anymore. Shane Victorino and Antonio Alfonseca did the honors after the Phillies beat the Nationals 6-1 on Sunday, which coupled with New York's 8-1 loss to the Marlins, allowed the Phillie Phanatic to climb those Rocky Balboa steps and dance a victory dance. The Phillies advance to the postseason for only the 10th time in their history, and will play host in Game 1 on Wednesday against the winner of today's wild-card tiebreaker between San Diego and Colorado.

With the game already in hand, Florida Marlins' catcher Miguel Olivo was ejected for charging at Jose Reyes with evil intentions. Reyes was not ejected, and eventually scored in the New York Mets' 13-0 rout of the Attendanceless Fish. Hopefully this fight is the kind of event that will solidify this young Marlins team and will propel them to finish the season with a win. With just one game left and three games behind Washington for fourth place in the NL East, it won't be easy to overcome, and some say it's mathematically impossible. But it's nothing that Jeffrey Loria's money can't solve.

On The Bright Side, That Second Inning Was Amazing. Charlie Manuel decided to pull Adam Eaton in the third inning with two on and one out. But nobody told Manuel that once you remove a pitcher, he can't pitch later in the game. All things considered, Philly did escape the inning, and the bullpen worked 6 2/3 innings of 3-run ball, but the Washington Nationals only allowed two runs all game. You do the math.

The Phillies and Mets are tied for first in the NL East.

Oh, So That's Where Mark Redman Went. An All-Star the year he had a 5.71 ERA, Redman is now with the Colorado Rockies and pitched five innings whilst allowing just one run as the Rockies kept their slim Wild Card hopes intact with an 11-1 win over the now-complacent Diamondbacks, who are finally NL West champions because...

Do You Know Who I Am? I'm The Hoffman! ...the Padres blew it in the 9th inning and went on to lose in 11 innings to the Brewers, 4-3.

Playoff Scenarios. Christ, they're complicated, but I think everyone's favorite one is if the Padres lose, and the Mets, Phillies, and Rockies all win, for they'd all end up 89-73. For this reason, the Diamondbacks might want to consider losing.

So let's explain how baseball will break this complicated four-way tie:

Monday: The Mets play at the Phillies, winner wins the NL East.
Tuesday: Loser on Monday plays San Diego in a "Wild Card semifinal" game. San Diego would play at home against New York, and they'd have to play on the road at Philadelphia.
Wednesday: Winner on Monday plays a home game against Colorado.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Colorado can also opt to play Tuesday, and Wednesday (if they win), with the only incentive being that they'd play both games at home.

In conclusion, the BASEketball playoff scenarios were easier to follow than this.

Obligatory American League Mention. Meanwhile, with the New York Yankees already aware that they will play the Cleveland Indians in the playoffs, Roger Clemens is already scouting the Indians' lineup.

Yes, National League teams actually clinched playoff spots on Friday. Coupled with a Brewers loss, the Cubs magic number finally decreased to Gilbert Arenas with a 6-0 win over the Cincinnati Reds. They've earned their second division title in five years. The only question left is what new mythical happenings will assist the Cubs in throwing the NLCS away? Here's to hoping it's a strike three passed ball.

The 706 Level. Lost amidst the national frenzy surrounding Jimmy Rollins Jimmy Rollins single-season at-bat record, the Phillies happened to win their game, 6-0 against the Washington Nationals. Isn't that always how it works? You get so focused on one player all season that you ask your buddies how many at-bats Rollins had any given night — getting disgusted when you find he was just walked all night — that you fail to look at the final game score. So I'm sure Tim Redding is ashamed that he'll forever be the pitcher linked to getting Rollins to fly out in the second inning last night in hits record-setting 706th at-bat of the season. But that Trivial Pursuit question pales in comparison to the fact that the Phillies have just dug themselves out of a seven-game deficit in the NL East, and find themselves in first place. It ain't always about illustrious baseball records.

No, No, Skipper, I Said Away From The Iceberg. The Phillies' NL East lead was partially due to the Mets' 7-4 loss to the Florida Marlins, for whatever reason:

How fitting that the Shea Stadium staff played Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" for the start of the ninth inning. Remember, Tony Soprano got whacked (or not) to that song. Either way, the screen went black, and the same is about to happen to these Mets.

SNAAAKE! SNAAAKE! AH, IT'S A SNAAKE! In a last-ditch effort to get someone to notice them this year, the Diamondbacks had to go and win the National League West with a 4-2 win over the surging Colorado Rockies. Maybe now someone this side of Tim Kurkjian will think about them. Maybe not.

Two More Spots Left, Cue The Musical Chairs Song. We still have an NL East and Wild Card left to claim. Right now the Mets are just one game back of the Phillies in the East. The San Diego Padres have the inside track for the Wild Card, with two-game leads over both Colorado and New York. Basically, wins by San Diego, Philadelphia and Florida today will secure all eight playoff positions, rendering Sunday slightly boring.

In the interests of full disclosure, I wrote off the Rockies about two weeks ago. After a series of insulting remarks, I buried a Rockies pennant in a shallow grave just off of Interstate 5, and moved on with my life. Now, I am on the verge of losing several bets. Damn it! If you want to crown 'em, crown 'em! It's all Todd Helton's fault, you know. Helton joined the Rockies in 1997 —although he didn't unpack his beard until the following year — and has never played in a post-season game. So that's why it's kind of cool that his sixth-inning homer helped propel Colorado over the Dodgers. Brad Hawpe had three hits and four RBI for the Rockies, who trail first-place Arizona in the NL West by two games and are one game behind San Diego in the wild card, tied with the Phillies and Mets. The Rockies and Diamondbacks open a season-ending three-game series at Coors Field today. Do you smell a distinct, Warriors-vs.-Mavericks kind of vibe here? Yes, I believe! Send me a t-shirt! Of course, the Rockies have the Dodgers to thank for their dramatic troop surge. Seven of Colorado's wins in the streak have come over LA, which has lost 10 of its past 11. Colorado won the season series over the Dodgers 12-6. Rookie Franklin Morales (3-2), allowed four hits and three runs in five-plus innings to earn the win.

• How The West Will Be Won. The various NL playoff scenarios are endless, so take a look for yourself, courtesy of the Denver Post. At least now there's no chance of a five-way tie.

• License To Kill Gophers, By The Government Of The United States. A pretty funny interview with Bill Murray today at Chicago Sports, in which he assures Cubs fans that they will indeed prevail in the Central. Excerpt: "Would the Cubs be the Cubs if they lost the World Series? That's sick thinking. You've got to watch out for people like that. I should be watching you. Maybe you want to talk to me later about what's going on in your life." The Cubs stranded 10 runners and were swept by the last-place Marlins, losing 6-4 on Thursday. The Brewers also lost, 9-5 to the Padres, to remain two games behind Chicago.

• Max Mercy Disapproves. Fire Joe Morgan questions the wisdom of the Rangers playing the theme to The Natural over the PA system after Sammy Sosa home runs, and I have to agree. The Savoy Special was not corked, dammit! Although The Whammer did take copious amounts of HGH.

New York, with a 21-29 record before play on May 30, has gone 70-38 since then. It's really kind of a remarkale turnaround, and of course it caused Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter to embrace and gaze into each others' eyes in a way no one else on the team would understand (pictured). But in a totally manly way. Although afterward Jeter reported his cup missing.*

• Here Come The Thrillies! As the Mets unravel like a ball of kite string during a fierce wind storm, as the kite, wobbles ... (analogy breaking up, please ignore) ... Kyle Lohse led Philadelphia to a 5-2 win over the Braves and to within one game of the NL East lead. Lohse became the first Phillies starter to pitch seven innings in two weeks, while the first-place Mets were losing to the Nationals 9-6. There's four games remaining, folks!

• The Winters Of Our Discontent. Umpire Mike Winters was suspended for the remainder of the regular season (no big deal) and all of the post season (a much bigger deal) for his run-in with Padres' outfielder Milton Bradley on Sunday. Although MLB has made no official statement, word is that Winters was flagged for "unprofessional behavior." Winters had worked nine of the past 10 World Series.

• Central Concerns. The Brewers are still two games behind the Cubs, with four to play, as Albert Pujols' homer in the first led the Cardinals to a 7-3 win. Chicago lost to the Marlins 7-4.

* = Meaning unclear.

"That's why I'm so passionate about playing. I don't mind them comparing me, but I'm totally a different player," said Prince Fielder, who hopes to hit 52 homers this season to beat his father's best mark of 51 (1990), and "shut him up." Wow. "Hopefully one day, whenever they mention my name, they won't have to mention his," said Prince, who had a two-run homer in the first and a two-run homer in the seventh, surpassing Willie Mays as the youngest to hit 50. Mays was 24 years, 137 days old when he hit his 50th home run in 1955, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Fielder is 23 years, 139 days old. Anyway, the Cubs lost to the Marlins and Dontrelle Willis on Tuesday, 4-2. But there's no curse. Nope.

• The Life Of Brian. Brian Giles, 1-for-his-past-52, had a three-run homer with two out in the ninth to give San Diego a 6-4 win at San Francisco. That dramatic enough for ya, Padres' fans? Your team is one game ahead of Colorado and Philadelphia in the NL wild card, and two back of Arizona in the West. For their next trick, San Diego will trot out Jake Peavy today to face the Giants in Barry Bonds' home finale.

• Your Dioner Navarro Update. The Devil Rays saw Alex Rodriguez's grand slam and raised a grand slam by Jorge Velandia, with Dioner Navarro then hitting a solo homer in the 10th to lift Tampa Bay over the Yankees 7-6. It all prevented New York from clinching a playoff berth. The Yankees lead Detroit by 4½ games in the wild-card race, with five to play. Did you know that the Yankees have the majors' best record (47-24) since the All-Star break? But if they just could have handled the worst team in the AL (they were 8-8 against the Devil Rays), the Yankees could have won the division.

• Why, Why, Why, Mets? Instead of recounting the obvious, please just look at this. Thanks, and see you tomorrow.

• Colorado 9, Los Angeles 7. Anyone notice that the Rockies have won nine straight? Anyone?

Not only that, but San Diego must also worry about Colorado, just a game back in the wild card. The Padres are three games behind NL West-leading Arizona. All have six games remaining. On Monday the Padres lost to Barry Zito, of all people, who even singled in a run as he earned his first career win in seven tries against the Padres. Earlier in the day, the Padres learned they will be without left fielder Bradley for the rest of the season because of a knee injury that will require surgery. Bradley was hurt after being spun to the ground by manager Bud Black, who was keeping him from going after umpire Mark Winters. If you have to ask, just skip it.

• Judge Judy, Prepare For Your Most Baffling Case Yet. Barry Bonds promised that he would release the hounds on anyone who defamed him, and on Monday he has, evidently, chosen his first target. Curt Schilling! Prepare to be roughly sued about the head and shoulders, Mr. Schilling! "This is directed at Schilling more than anybody," Bonds' attorney Michael Rains told the San Jose Mercury News. "Schilling said some things that were inappropriate and potentially defamatory." As the story goes on to say, we're all sure that Bonds wants this to go to trial. Yes. Totally.

• Why, Mr. Met? Why? The Mets' so-called magic number remained at five on Monday as the Nationals spanked them 13-4, New York dropping to two games ahead of idle Philadelphia in the East. The Mets play the Nationals again Tuesday while the Phillies play host to Atlanta in the opener of a three-game series.

• Turn Those Machines Back On! Well, after a 2-0 loss to Minnesota on Monday, Detroit is 5 1/2 games behind the Yankees in the AL wild-card race, with six to play. Carlos Silva (7 2/3 innings) got the win.

"It's terrible. And now, because of him, my knee's hurt," said Bradley, whose Padres lost to the Rockies 7-3. "If this costs me my season because of that, he needs to be reprimanded. I'm taking some action. I'm not going to stand pat and accept this because I didn't do nothing wrong." The Padres were swept by the Rockies and are now only a half game ahead of the Phillies in the NL wild-card scramble. San Diego is 2 1/2 games behind the Diamondbacks in the NL West. Garrett Atkins hit an inside-the-park home run and Brad Hawpe homered for the second time in three games for the Rockies, who are 1 1/2 games back in the wild-card race.

• We Want Joba! Even though Joe Torre didn't want to use him, the Yankees' manager gave in to the entreaties of the mob and used Joba Chamberlain in relief in the eighth. Toronto had two men on and was two runs back when Chamberlain came in at the behest of the crowd and threw five pitches to strike out Adam Lind, then followed with a perfect ninth. New York won 7-5. And it was Joba's birthday! Did you get him anything? New York is 1 1/2 games back of Boston in the East.

• Bust In The Dust. Chad Billingsley (12-5) got the win as the Dodgers beat the Diamondbacks 7-1, leaving Arizona 2 1/2 games ahead of the Padres in the NL West with six games remaining; three at Pittsburgh and three in Colorado. Oh, the suspense!

• Cubs Are Smelling Division Title! Derek Lee homered and Carlos Zambrano got his career-best 17th win as the Cubs beat the Pirates 8-0. Coupled with Milwaukee's 7-4 loss to Atlanta, Chicago is looking pretty, pretty, pretty, pre-tay good at 3 1/2 games ahead of the second-place Brewers in the NL Central.

Yes, the Red Sox clinched nothing worse than a Wild Card berth thanks to a three-run ninth-inning rally over the Rays. Jason Varitek tied things up with a solo homer, and then Julio Lugo launched a two-run shot to complete the 8-6 comeback. Boston's victory and losses by the Indians and Angels means the Sox once again have the best record in the league. Simmons' skin is radiant today.

• When The Wind Blows Out. Alfonso Soriano hit two homers — giving him 11 in September — to lead the Cubs over the Pirates 9-5. Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee also went deep for the Cubbies. With the win, Chicago extends their NL central lead to 2 1/2 games over Milwaukee. (The Brew Crew lost 4-3 in Atlanta.)

• Wildboyz. Melky Cabrera's game-winning single in the 10th ended a crazy one, as the Yankees edged the Jays, 12-11. New York used a team-record 10 pitchers to secure the win. And hey, this is fun: in the first two games of this four-game series, the teams have already combined to throw 825 pitches. They've played 9 hours, 45 minutes of baseball in a mere 24 1/2 -hour span. It's like they're real athletes!

• Crunching The Numbers. Philadelphia wins. Colorado wins. San Diego loses. Add the two, carry the four ... the Phillies are just a half-game back of the Padres in the Wild Card race. The Rockies are 2 1/2 out.

"It's always difficult to say goodbye," Magowan said. "It's an emotional time for me. We've been through a lot together these 15 years. A lot of good things have happened. Unfortunately a lot of bad things have happened. But there comes a time when you have to go in a different direction." (My guess? A winning one, though, some think they're screwed.)

So where does this leave good ol' Barry boy? Well, blogging, naturally. Bonds, via his website: "There is more baseball in me and I plan on continuing my career. My quest for a World Series ring continues." Yup. Look out American League, here he comes!

• Boston Breathes. Josh Beckett pitched six strong innings to become the first 20-game winner in the majors since '05, as the Sox snapped a four-game losing streak in an 8-1 win over the Rays. Meanwhile, the Yankees rallied to send the game to extra innings by scoring four runs in the ninth off Jays ace Doc Halladay, but lost it in the 14th on a home run by Toronto catcher Gregg Zaun. (Silently pumps fist.) The BoSox have a 2 1/2 game lead in the East.

• Rising Arizona. Tony Clark had three hits and drove in four, leading the D-Backs to a 12-3 rout over the Dodgers. The win, coupled with the Padres 14-inning loss to the Rockies, pushes Arizona up to a 1 1/2 game lead in the NL West. Math is fun.

• The More Games Played, The More Things Stay The Same. The Mets and Phillies won to keep the margin in the NL East at 1 1/2 games. Same situation in the NL Central, where the first-place Cubs and second-place Brewers both were Victorious B.I.G.

When Barry Bonds hit home run No. 756 on Aug. 7 in San Francisco to break Hank Aaron's record, it was Murphy — a Mets fan who was even wearing his favorite team's jersey — who came out of a scrum with the ball. But here's our theory: That ball is cursed. The illegal steroid consumption that helped produce it also bedeviled it, like the ancient tiki idol that Bobby Brady found on the beach during his family's infamous Hawaiian vacation. It's star-crossed; and for the Mets to win the East, that ball must be returned to McCovey Cove.

Murphy of course sold the ball at auction, but the taint obviously remains; the Mets blew two three-run leads and lost again in the ninth inning, 8-7, to the Marlins on Thursday. The Phillies, 7-6 winners over the Nationals, are just 1½ games back. On Aug. 7, the Mets had a 4½-game lead over the Braves ... the Phillies weren't even on radar. Glavine had just won his 300th game, and everything was looking good in Flushing. Then Murphy found the Bonds ball, and the Mets have had nothing but bad luck since. There's only one solution. Just as Peter and Bobby did with the accursed tiki idol, someone must return the Bonds ball from whence it came. Either that, or the voting option to blast it into space; that would work also.

• Ranger Smith Disapproves. The NL Central race has pretty much looked like this for the past six weeks or so; with three teams, and now two, vying to relax in the first-place hammock. Who will prevail? Well, to further torture the analogy, you pretty much have to say the Cubs, right? Milwaukee lost on Thursday while Chicago was idle, giving the Cubs a 1½-game lead. Meanwhile, Yahoo Sports columnist Jeff Passan uses the word "liege" for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire in explaining why Chicago will still blow it.

• One Is The Lonliest Number. The Angels can be the first team to clinch their division with a win tonight, as they reduced their magic number to 1 with a 9-5 win over the Mariners on Thursday. LA's lead over Seattle in the West is 9½, and the Mariners responded to the news by having Jorge Campillo throw two pitches right at Vladimir Guerrero's grill. The resulting melee was quite fun, if ultimately uneventful.

• Oh Tim Purpura, Where Art Thou? Former Phillies' general manager Ed Wade, who resembles Tim Blake Nelson more than any man has a right to, was hired in that same capacity with the Houston Astros on Thursday. Yay!

Hideki Matsui homered and The Dread Pirate Doug Mientkiewicz scored on a wild pitch for New York, which has won four straight and 12 of 14. The Yankees also opened a 5½-game lead over Detroit in the AL wild card race. Although the way things are going, that will be Boston's problem. So exactly how devastating will this be if New York actually wins a division which the Red Sox were leading by 14 games in May? Would it be worse than, well, all the other times?

• Dodgers Fail To Touch 'Em All. The first edition of Alyssa Milano's TBS Hot Corner is here! Come with Alyssa as she takes you on a tour of Dodgers Stadium. Of course it's just as the Dodgers are losing to the Rockies, 6-5, to fall 6 1/2 games back in the NL West, making Alyssa's tour seem like a walk through a graveyard.

• No Place Like Dome. It's been a long time since we've checked in with the Twins, so let's just say that Matt Garza somehow managed to win at home — the first time he's done that in his career — in the Twins' 4-2 victory over the Rangers.

• East Enders. The Mets finally figured out the Nationals, beating them 8-4 behind David Wright's three RBI to end a five-game losing streak. The Phillies lost to the Cardina;s 2-1, so New York has a little breathing room in the NL East at 2 1/2 games.

• Lou Ball. The Cubs beat the Reds 3-2 (Griffey injured! Who could have seen that coming?), and the Astros beat the Brewers 5-4, meaning that Chicago is back in first place in the NL Central by one game. Maybe that will stop the conspiracy nuts for a little while.

A commenter over at USA Today, of all places, made the observation this morning that, if you listen closely, "You can hear sphincters tightening throughout the Boston area." The Dread Pirate Doug Mientkiewicz had a three-run homer for the Yankees, and Mike Mussina threw a three-hitter over seven innings to beat the Orioles. It's that last tidbit which should concern Red Sox fans. If Mussina is baffling hitters, it's bad news for everyone else. In Toronto, Eric Gagne gave up three runs in the eighth — including a two-run double by Russ Adams — as the Blue Jays beat the Red Sox.

• Arrrrr. The Brewers lost Ben Sheets but won the game, moving into first place in the Central one percentage point ahead of the Cubs after a 9-1 win over the Astros. Sheets left in the first with tightness in his left hammy. Johnny Estrada hit his second grand slam of the season. To save time, here are your NL Central standings for the rest of the week: Thursday, Cubs in first place. Saturday: Brewers. Sunday: Cubs. Next week, repeat.

• Arrrrr You just get the feeling that this is going to end up like the first Rocky film, with the Phillies sporting two swollen eyes and in second place, yelling for Adrian. But it's compelling while it lasts. Rod Barajas' two-out pinch single in the 14th drove in the go-ahead run as Philadelphia went on to beat the Cardinals 7-4. The Phillies are now a paltry 1 1/2 games behind the Mets in the East.

• Arrrrrrrr. Time to honor Dummy Hoy, who played for seven teams between 1888 and 1902, most notably the Cincinnati Reds, where in his final season he became part of the first faceoff between deaf players in major league history. His three at-bats against Dummy Taylor of the New York Giants produced two hits. Because he was deaf, some say Hoy was the reason that umpires developed the first hand signals.

• Arrrrrrrr .... Nationals 9, Mets 8. You've got to answer for Santino, Mets' bullpen. Did you think that little farce you played with my sister could fool a Corleone?

To paraphrase Big Daddy Drew, the Mets make more errors than Mr. Bean, only without the rubber-faced charm. Wasn't it just yesterday that Willie Randolph was handing out FTD bouquets to all his players, and dreamily scribbling prospective post-season pitching rotations in the pages of his school binder? Didn't New York have like a 10-game lead in the East? Did I dream that? Now it's 2 1/2 over second-place Philadelphia following a 12-4 loss to the Nationals on Monday, in which NY made four errors (they had six on Sunday). The Phillies followed a sweep at New York by beating the Cardinals 13-11 on Monday (after almost blowing an 11-0 lead, which is always educational for the kids). "The Mets are human, too," said Nationals manager Manny Acta, who was New York's third base coach in 2005 and 2006. Hmmm. Do you suppose Acta stole the Mets' signals?

• Ladies And Gentlemen, Boys And Girls, Dyin' Time's Here. What kind of a world would result if the Yankees make the playoffs and the Mets don't? Most likely a world where there is no electricity, gasoline is as precious as gold and Tina Turner is in charge. (Or, you know, it's 2005.) On Monday it was Hideki Matsui's go-ahead homer that propelled New York over Baltimore 8-5, the Yankees moving to within 3 1/2 of the Red Sox in the AL East. New York is also 3 1/2 ahead of Detroit in the wild-card race. There's 12 games remaining. You know the law. Two teams enter, one team leave.

• OK, This Can't Be Good. With the Yankees coming up fast in the rear-view mirror and the entire city of Boston on the edge of panic, the Red Sox are responding in the only way they know how ... by dressing as the cast from The Wizard of Oz. Brandon Moss was attired as Dorothy for the team's flight to Toronto on Sunday night, and Daisuke Matsuzaka was, of course, a Telletubby (not the purple one!). It was all part of some rookie hazing thing, and it went so well that the Red Sox lost to the Blue Jays 6-1. Frank Thomas, dressed as a bad-ass, hit three homers to reach 512 total, tying him with Ernie Banks and Eddie Mathews for 18th on the career list.

• That's Yaz. It's the 40th anniversary of the last time a guy won baseball's triple crown (as if you've forgotten). Former Red Sock Carl Yastrzemski, in addition to being the favorite player of Denis Leary's dad in Rescue Me, is also noted for having smoked about three packs a day while he was in the majors. So maybe if you jerks would put down the HGH and pick up a pack of Marlboros someone might win the triple crown again. Just a thought. Currently, Alex Rodriguez leads the AL in homers and RBI, but has no chance to win the batting crown.

• One Town, That Won't Let You Down. Mark DeRosa's policy is pretty much the same as mine. Every time a team places five men in the infield against me, I send one right up the middle ... that'll teach 'em. DeRosa had five straight hits on Monday, his fifth scoring pinch-runner Sam Fuld from third in the ninth to give the Cubs a 6-5 win over the Reds. Milwaukee beat Houston 6-0, so Chicago is still one game ahead of the Brewers in the Central. Fun fact: DeRosa is 10-for-10 against the Reds in their past two meetings.

Plus, Thome's homer had the disctinction of winning a game for the White Sox; breaking a 7-7 tie in the ninth for a walkoff 9-7 win over the Angels. Rookie second baseman Danny Richar had tied it with a two-run homer in the eighth, setting the stage for Thome, who was 0-for-11 since hitting his 499th homer on Wednesday. Other great stuff about the clout: As he rounded third, Thome slapped hands with base coach Razor Shines; the fact that the Sox have a coach named Razor Shines gives me great joy. Thome was then carried off the field by Jermaine Dye and Bobby Jenks — possibly the only two teammates strong enough to lift him — as the crowd cheered and refused to leave until chased out by security. Then, the fan who caught the ball met with Thome after the game and gave it back to him. Will Stewart, an accountant from Austin Texas, was given two season tickets by the team, which he then announced he would be donating to the charity of Thome's choice. But that's not all ... it is said that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen's heart grew three sizes that day. "The guy is special," Guillen told the Chicago Tribune. "He plays the game right, he respects the game, he respects the fans. I tell our young kids, 'You want to look up to somebody, that's the guy you look up to, on the field and off. He's a great man.' I don't think there's anyone in baseball who will say anything bad about Jim Thome. He's what we need in this game." And they all lived happily ever after. Oh, and the White Sox are still in last place (waa-waaaaa).

There's also a heartwarming feature on the White Sox home page about a "typical White Sox family" who have been brought closer together by attending games at Cellular Field. Click on the sixth item in the flash stage. Now look at the kid's forehead. Is that some sort of protest? Wasn't Iguchi traded in July? Will that wash off?

• Yankees, Red Sox Bid So Long, For Now. So the Red Sox hold a somewhat substantial 4 1/2 game lead over the Yankees in the East after losing to them, 4-3 on Sunday. But since New York officially won the season series, 10-8, Boston fans have to be a little concerned. Will the Sox be able to handle them if they meet in the playoffs? Hey, it's a legitimate concern. Derek Jeter's three-run homer off Curt Schilling broke an eighth-inning tie, and Marino Rivera got David Ortiz on a pop out with the bases loaded to end the game, as the Yankees beat the Red Sox for the sixth time in seven games. New York leads Detroit by 2 1/2 in the wild-card standings.

• Marquis Performance. Matt Murton had a three-run homer, and Jason Marquis threw a seven-inning one-hitter as the Cubs beat the Cardinals 4-2. The Brewers beat the Reds 5-2; leaving Milwaukee one game back in the Central.

• Jake The Giant Killer. If you're thinking of not voting for Jake Peavy for the NL Cy Young, then here, I'm afraid I shall slap you with this fish, sir. His ERA is 2.39, he leads the majors with 225 strikeouts and he won his 18th game, 5-1 over the Giants.

Fielder, who also homered on Friday night, extended his career-best hitting streak to 13 games and is batting .422 with seven homers and 12 RBIs in September. Can you say, M.V.P.? Good. Can you say, otorhinolaryngologist? I can't.

• Statement Game Josh Beckett (three hits over seven innings) became the majors first 19-game winner to help the Red Sox rout the Yanks, 10-1. The bounce back win increases the Sox's lead to 5 1/2 with two weeks and a day to play. Boston's Criss Angel number is down to nine.

• Your Daily NL West Update... Luis Gonzalez, his three-run biz-bomble and the Dodgers beat the D-Backs to move within 3 1/2 games of first in the West race, while the Padres sit two back after blanking the Giants, 6-0.

• Keep Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' (What?) Jimmy Rollins two-run triple over the Mets shallow defense rallied the Phils to their seventh straight win over the Mets, 5-3. Philadelphia now trails the Mets by just 4 1/2.

• Big Z. Carlos Zambrano (four hits scattered over eight innings) and Cliff Floyd's tie-breaking homer in the seventh (his third dinger in three games) combined to give the Cubs a 5-3 win over the Cardinals. Sorry, Will.

• A Ballad Of The Republic Sung In The Year 2007. Mighty Casey Blake homered the first pitch in the ninth, giving the Indians a 5-4 walk-off win over the Royals. C.C. Sabathia recorded a career-high 13 strikeouts for the Tribe. Their David Blaine number drops to 10.

• Professor Blum, In The Ballpark, With The Bat. Pinch-hitter Geoff Blum went 2-for-2, helping the Wild Card leading Padres rally against the Giants, 5-4. Khalil Greene's walk-off homer in the bottom of the 10th capped it. The Friars sit three behind the Diamondbacks in the NL West standings.

Thanks to The Big Hurt, the Yankees' chances to win the East just got a little harder. But the bigger news is that, with 16 games remaining, the Yankees are still in it at all. They're only 5 1/2 games behind the Red Sox in the East; 4 1/2 in the loss column. After a three-game series between the two beginning tonight in Boston, New York could find itself 2 1/2 back. Does that seem right? Could New York actually win this thing? I just kind of anointed the Red Sox as winners of the East a long while ago, and if they gag this up, it's going to leave me with a lot of mental paperwork. The schedule even favors the Yankees, who have six games with Baltimore and three with Tampa Bay among their 16 remaining. Boston has 15 games left, and closes the season against Oakland (two) and Minnesota (four). If you're going this weekend, by the way, Wang vs. Matsuzaka on Saturday is your best bet, one would think.

• Fun At Safeco. With Will in the upper deck madly waving his Yuniesky Betancourt sign, the Mariners beat the Tampa Bay Pectoral-Finned Filter Feeders, 8-7, led by Betancourt's game-tying double in the eighth. The Mariners had to overcome a poor start by Jeff Weaver for their 41st comeback victory.

• My Kind Of Town, Chicago Is. Chicago is back in sole possession of first place (later today they'll relinquish it; you know the drill), after a 6-2 win over the Astros. Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, Daryle Ward and Cliff Floyd all homered for Chicago, which moved a half-game ahead of idle Milwaukee in the Central. The Cubs open a four-game series at third-place St. Louis tonight.

• Oh, NOW The Phillies Bullpen Comes Through. Chase Utley (two-run homer) and five relievers combined to give Philadelphia a 12-4 win over the Rockies, who can pretty much forget about the playoffs now.

"We are who we are" is the baseball quote for the new millennium, and coaches everywhere would do well to repeat it. Fans as well should learn it; especially the ones frustrated over the Brewers and Cubs bobbing up and down into and out of first place in the Central. On Wednesday it was starter Rich Hill and the venerable Cliff Floyd (home run, triple) who led the way for the Cubs. Now, to the schedule. Of their 17 remaining games, the Cubs have only six at home, and four of the road games at St. Louis beginning on Friday. For the Brewers, 10 of their remaining 17 are at home, but the last four are against San Diego, which most likely will still be fighting to get into the playoffs.

• All Right, Thats It For Me Everyone, Goodnight. So who is your choice for AL and NL Manager of the Year? Diamondhacks humbly submits Bob Melvin for the NL award, reasoning, I think, that he wins by attrition. Since this is the most random of all the post-season awards and my pick is as good as anyone's, I'll go with the Mets' Willie Randolph. And in the AL, because he adhered to the George Costanza method of "getting out on a high note," I choose the Mariners' Mike Hargrove.

• The Book Of David. It seems like we haven't heard from out friend David Ortiz in ages, so let's check in on his two-run homer in the ninth that won it for the Red Sox, 5-4 over the Devil Ray Fish. Ortiz had two homers and five RBI in all as Boston stayed five up on New York in the East.

• Yankee Onslaught Continues. Hey kids, Mike Mussina is back! Only two weeks after being dropped from the rotation for sucking, Mikey pitched six shutout innings as the Yankees beat the Blue Jays 4-1, their seventh straight win.

• ... And You Don't Mess Around With Jim. Let us pause to honor Jim Thome, who got his 499th homer and drove in three runs to lead the White Sox over the Indians 7-4. Soon he will become the 23rd player to reach 500.

Tuesday was a day to remember that on one fateful morning, we were all New Yorkers. Bill Murray, of course, said it best. "We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts. And we've been kicking ass for 200 years ... we're 10-1!" So on 9/11/07, we're not Cubs or Rangers or Royals or Astros. We're Americans. With a capital A. Oh, the Mets lost, 13-5, by the way. And even that didn't spoil the moment.

• That Playoff Berth Is Looking Mighty Tasty. Jake Peavy earned his league-leading 17th win, and the Padres had four homers in a 9-4 win over the Dodgers. And I tend to like this quote: "No way I can come in here and let the Dodgers win this first game," Peavy said. "If I do that, then the team morale really gets down and we can easily roll over. You want to lead by example and I was just hoping to be good for the boys tonight and fortunately I was." The Padres lead the Phillies by 2 1/2 in the NL wild-card, and trail Arizona by 2 1/2 in the West.

• Joe Torre Is As Giddy As A Little Girl. Jason Giambi's grand slam helped the Yankees beat the Blue Jays 9-2, and put New York 20 games over .500 for the first time this season. The Yankees are four games ahead of Detroit in the AL wild-card after the Tigers split a doubleheader with Texas.

• Yovani Gallardo Rules The Night. Prince Fielder hit his 44th home run and Corey Hart also homered, the Brewers beating the Pirates 6-1 to regain sole possession of first in the Central. The Cubs lost to the Astros 6-5.

• Baseball Card Of The Week. I've been mesmerized by this Mike Piazza card since yesterday. What does it all mean? [Double-Nickel]

• Seven And Seven, On The Rocks. Mike Lowell had four hits and Kevin Youkilis had a bases-loaded triple as the Red Sox went from being seven runs down to seven runs up, beating the Devil Rays 16-10.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. They could really get serious about testing for steroids, then every team would be screwed. We'd be left with Ryan Klesko and Rally Monkey. So Tony Armas' pitching and Nate McLouth's two-run homer led the Pirates over the Brewers 9-0, Milwaukee's fourth loss in five games in Pittsburgh this season. That opened the door for the Cubs, who beat St, Louis 12-3 to pull into a first-place tie with the Brewers. What manner of curse is afoot here? The Brewers have lost 41 of 60 games at PNC Park since it opened in 2001, even though the Pirates have yet to have a winning season during that time. And to add insult to injury, don't forget about this.

• My Name Is Asdrubal. Asdrubal Cabrera had a two-run homer in the seventh and a sacrifice fly in the ninth to lead the Indians over the White Sox 6-2. The Indians are six games up on the Tigers in teh AL Central, and now you look like a genius for picking the whole thing back in April. What? You picked the Twins? Never mind.

• A Grand Time. Kurt Suzuki and Dan Johnson each had a grahnd slam — the second time the Athletics have had two in a game in the past 106 years — as Oakland beat Seattle 9-3.

• Westworld. Jeff Salazar's homer led Arizona over San Francisco 5-3, as the Diamondbacks moved 3 1/2 games ahead of the idle Padres in the NL West.

Moises Alou had a two-run homer for the Mets, winners of eight of nine since being swept in a four-game series at Philadelphia. With a six-game lead over the Phillies, it's pretty clear that this race is over. But should Pedro's return signal the printing of World Series tickets in New York? Let's hold up on that kind of talk ... Pedro has pitched only 10 total innings in his two starts since his return; strong outings, yes, but coming against the Reds and Astros. He also had a double on Sunday. If you're like me, don't you have the feeling that the Mets are playing a little over their heads right now? No? OK, forget I mentioned it.

• Red Invasion. Josh Beckett went seven innings to earn his 18th win as the Red Sox beat the Orioles 6-3. Mike Lowell drove in two runs for Boston, which always seems to draw more fans at Camden than the Orioles do, or at least sometimes it seems that way. The Red Sox finished 6-3 in Baltimore this year and has had a winning record at Camden Yards every season since 1998, going 54-23 during that span, according to AP.

• No, Can't Call This One Yet. The Yankees all but punched their ticket to the playoffs as Alex Rodriguez hit his seventh home run in five games and his ninth in 11, New York beating Kansas City 6-3. The Yankees are four games ahead of the Tigers in the AL wild card, and 5 1/2 behind the Red Sox in the AL East. On second thought, this isn't over yet.

• Alone Again, Naturally. Rickie Weeks, J.J. Hardy and Ryan Braun hit consecutive homers to start the game, making Milwaukee the third team in major league history to do so. The Brewers beat the Reds 10-5, while the Cubs were losing to the Pirates 10-5, giving Milwaukee a one-game lead in the NL Central.

• Giants 4, Dodgers 2. The Dodgers didn't do themselves any favors by dropping a series to the Giants, finding themselves 5 1/2 behind the front-running Diamondbacks in the NL West.

"Take, for instance, the bleachers out there. Everyone out there is having a good time enjoying the party, and then all of a sudden something like that happens," Ethier said. Alfonso Soriano's three-run homer in the seventh put Chicago ahead 4-2. But the Cubs are now in a first-place tie with Milwaukee — St. Louis is one game out — in the NL Central. And the Dodgers are within 3½ games of the NL West-leading Diamondbacks. Dempster, who had converted 13 straight saves going in, was nonetheless booed when Lou Piniella came out to get him in the ninth. Joe Beimel (4-1) pitched 1 2/3 innings of hitless relief, and Takashi Saito got three outs for his 37th save in 40 chances ... but you can read more about that on his blog. The graphic there above is by Cubbie Blue.

• Andre Ethier Is As Suave As They Come. Bleed Cubbie Blue strikes back at Ethier with this report, which I think is pretty funny. It involves a woman trying to get an autograph for her daughter, and includes the Ethier quotes: "I already have five girlfriends, I don't want another one," and "I'm just a Southwestern kind of guy, I like to rope my women in."

• Just Call Me Angel In the Morning Angel. Like hurricanes in Florida and another President Clinton, a Dodgers-Angels Freeway World Series is a real possibility. Garret Anderson has at least one RBI in 11 straight games, a club record, as he knocked in three to lead the Angels past the Indians 10-3 on Thursday. LA has the biggest division lead in the majors; eight games over the second-place Mariners in the AL West.

• Mighty Casey Does Not Strike Out. Sean Casey and Placido Polanco had run-scoring singles in the ninth to lead the Tigers over the White Sox, 3-2, in Gary Sheffield's return (0-for-3 with two strikeouts) from the disabled list.

• Red Sox 7, Orioles 6. A little Jason Varitek magic moves Red Sox to 6 1/2 games ahead of Yankees in the AL East.

Poor, dumb saps. With the least bit of effort they could have ousted the Yankees from the playoffs this season, but it was not to be. Rodriguez, meanwhile, had to talk his way into the lineup after rolling his ankle against Seattle on Tuesday. He became the first Yankees player in 30 years to homer two times in one inning. Cliff Johnson did it on June 30, 1977. Who were the others? Joe DiMaggio (1936) and Joe Pepitone (1962). Rodriguez, 32, leads the majors with 48 homers and 134 RBI. The team had sent him for an MRI at 3:30 p.m., which angered him, for some reason. A-Rod hates going downtown. And I repeat ... Joe Pepitone. I love typing that.

• Forget About It Jake. It's Phoenix. Jake Peavy was not built for pitching on three days' rest; it says so right there in the instructions. Taking the ball a day earlier than scheduled to try and give the Padres some breathing room in the NL West, Peavy instead gave up a bevy of hits to the worst-hitting team in the NL, the Diamonbcaks prevailing 9-6. Arizona is now a game ahead of SD in the West. Arizona's Miguel Montero homered twice, not in the same inning.

• Livin' On Timo Time. Timo Perez's single off the wall in right with two outs in the 11th won it for the Tigers, 2-1 over the White Sox. Kenny Rogers returned from the disabled list and pitched well, Mike Hessman homered, and Detroit remained 3 1/2 games behind the Yankees in the wild-card race.

• Baltimore Gives Up Several Runs. More double homer goodness, this time by Carlos Pena of the Devil Rays (one was a grand slam, and he had seven RBI) as Tampa beat the Orioles 17-2.

• The Red Pinstripe Diaries. Matt Diaz's two-out, three-run double in the ninth gave Atlanta a 9-8 win over the Phillies, who gagged up leads of 5-0 and 8-2. Diaz's hit actually skipped off the tip of Chris Robertson's glove.

Lou Piniella is threatening wholesale lineup changes in the wake of Chicago's 6-2 loss to the Dodgers, in which the Cubs failed to deliver with runners on base and hit into five double plays. Brad Penny went seven strong innings and Matt Kemp had four hits as La made a mockery of Steve Trachsel's return to the Cubs. Chicago is now a half-game ahead of the Brewers, who beat the Astros 5-3 behind Francisco Cordero, who set a franchise record with his 40th save.

Meanwhile, the Joel Pineiro Saga continues in St. Louis, as the former Red Sox reliever won for the fourth time in six starts as the Cardinals beat the Pirates 6-2. St. Louis is one game behind the Cubs. Pineiro (4-2) allowed two runs and eight hits in 5 2-3 innings and was helped by Chris Duncan bases-loaded double goodness. And hey, all three teams are above .500.

• A Little Chien Music. Everyone stopped breathing at once as Alex Rodriguez grimaced in pain after rolling his right ankle in a collision at third base in the seventh inning. Don't worry girls ... Alex WILL be at the dance tonight! Will be there! (X-Rays were negative). Chien-Ming Wang won his 17th as the Yankees beat the Mariners 12-3, moving two games ahead of Seattle in the AL wild card. Clemens, meanwhile, got a "cortisone shot" for his "elbow injury."

• Just Like Me, They Long To Be, Close To You. Tony Clark and Eric Byrnes homered off of Chris Young as Arizona beat San Diego 9-1, the Diamondbacks coming to within .001 of the first-place Padres. My, that's close.

• A Pair Of Threes Beats An Ace. The New York Mets are back in control of this ship! Paul Lo Duca hit a pair of three-run homers and had seven RBI as the Mets beat the Reds 11-7, their fifth straight win. New York is five games ahead of Philadelphia in the East.

"I will remember that,'' Zambrano said of the fans booing him. "I don't want to stink and (have) bad outings. I know the great moment of my career will come.'' Is it vengeance Zambrano seeks? And if so, against whom? Will each Cubs fan find a horse head in his bed this morning? "I don't understand why the fans were booing at me. I can't understand that,'' Zambrano said. "They showed me today they just care about them. That's no fair. Because when you are struggling, that's when you want to feel, the support of the fans.''

Zambrano gave up seven hits and four walks over 4 1/3 innings. He has a 9.56 ERA in three starts since the Cubs gave him a $91.5 million, five-year contract extension, and that tends to make some people cranky. The Cardinals and Brewers also lost on Monday, leaving Chicago 1 1/2 games ahead of Milwaukee and two up on St. Louis. But will this bad attitude doom the Cubs? It's clear that only one man can save them now.

• Pretty, Pretty, Pretty, Pretty, Pre-Tay Good. Pedro Martinez, starting a major league game for the first time in almost a year, led the Mets over the Reds 10-4, and got his 3,000th strikeout in the process. Martinez threw 76 pitches while limiting the Reds to three runs and five hits in five innings. New York is now five games up on the Phillies in the East.

• You Win This Round San Diego ... But We Shall Meet Again. Greg Maddux finally won at Chase Field and Brian Giles hit two home runs to lead the Padres over the Diamondbacks 10-2; San Diego moving a game up on Arizona in the race for first in the NL West. Maddux also extended his streak without a walk to 49 1/3 innings over seven starts.

• An Ichiro He Just Can't Scratch. Ichiro Suzuki rocked Clemens so hard that Roger underwent an MRI following the game, as Seattle beat the Yankees 7-1. Ichiro had three hits, including a homer in the third, reaching 200 hits for the seventh consecutive season, tying the AL mark. Felix Hernandez went seven innings to get the win. Now, let's go over to the big board and check on the standings. Boston won, 13-1 over Toronto, placing the Sox seven games ahead of the Yankees in the East. Wild card-wise, New York is one game ahead of the Mariners, with Detroit 2 1/2 back.

• Lynx Officially Extinct The Ottawa Lynx played their final game on Monday, fittingly a loss, 8-5 to the Syracuse Chiefs. In April of 2008, the Philadelphia Phillies Class-AAA affiliate becomes the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, and will be located in Allentown, Pa. And so, Canada is left with exactly one baseball team above the Class-A level.* Didn't baseball used to be popular up there about a decade or so ago? What happened?

* = The Blue Jays! Scratching your head quizzically like that wasn't funny.

• BOOM BITCH! In what can only be described as a heroic effort to restore the value of my baseball card collection, Rick Ankiel lifted Leitch's Buzzsaw Cardinals past the Reds. A few facts are becoming readily apparent; Ankiel is the coolest motherfucker in baseball not named Dmitri and the Reds truly enjoy torturing their afflicted fans. I can't say I don't enjoy it, only evil people like Communists and Manchester fans would call themselves Reds.

• Gallardo Goes...Yardo (Scott Van Pelt I am not) Yovani Gallardo is not the next Ryan Braun, but he is going to be one hell of a pitcher. The heralded rookie pitcher hit the second home run in his last three outings while shutting down the Pirates formidable rather shitty offense. Milwaukee's 3-2 victory coupled with the Cubs predictable loss means just one thing, they're both incredibly mediocre!

One of the most monumental sweeps in Phillies history, and there's one freaking broom on the premises? That sickens me. Hey Bob Watson, instead of bothering Terry Francona during the game about wearing a uniform top, maybe you should haul your ass over to the more compelling race and actually make yourself useful by handing out brooms. And not the flimsy nylon jobs as shown here, but the stiff bristle kind, like witches ride. Philadelphia deserves the best.

• All Lathered Up For A September Division Race. That's what we're talking about: Several lead changes, dramatic homers, relief screwups. The Mets-Phillies game on Thursday was all of these and more. Chase Utley ended the four-hour marathon with a run-scoring single off of Billy Wagner in the ninth to provide the win and a four-game sweep, drawing the Phillies to within two games of the first-place Mets. Pat Burrell homered twice and Ryan Howard and Aaron Rowand also homered for the Phils, who gagged a 5-0 lead. David Wright was 3-for-4 with a double and Endy Chavez had a double and two RBI for the Mets.

• More Sweepage Involving New York. Chien-Ming Wang took a no-hitter into the seventh inning, the Yankees prevailing over Boston 5-0. Robinson Cano homered off of Curt Schilling, and Boston manager Terry Francona and Yankees rookie pitcher Joba Chamberlain were ejected; the latter for throwing a pair of pitches over Kevin Youkilis' head. New York is five back of the Red Sox in the AL East, and one game up on the second-place Mariners in the wild card race. Perhaps it was all retribution for this photo.

• Racing Arizona. Rookie Mark Reynolds had five RBI as the Diamondbacks held on for an 8-7 win over San Diego, moving past the Padres into first place in the NL West.

• I Dream In Ivy. Matt Murton and Alfonso Soriano had back-to-back homers with two out in the sixth, Chicago beating the Brewers to go up 2 1/2 games on Milwaukee atop the NL Central. The Astros beat the Cardinals 2-1.

• All The Little Chicks With The Crimson Lips Say Cleveland Walks! Seattle reliever Rick White walked Kenny Lofton to force home the winning run as the Indians beat the Mariners 6-5, their sixth straight win.

Does that make the dumptruck-load of silver ingots that the Yankees paid for Clemens worth it? Probably not. But New York is now a percentage point or two behind Seattle in the AL wild card race, and six games behind the Sox in the East. Of course it's my opinion that they're still not going anywhere, but I've been wrong before, especially about these jeans. Here's a Clemens quote: "I was trying to be as stingy as possible. It's going to be a grind for me. I'm asking my body to be 25 right now." I've made that request myself, but let's not get into the exact circumstances. Alex Rodriguez hit his major league-leading 44th home run and Johnny Damon also homered as New York evened their season series with Boston at 7-all; hard to believe. Josh Beckett was tagged for 13 hits. Clemens (6-5) gave up an upper-deck homer to David Ortiz in the sixth. Oh, and Kyle Farnsworth may have broken a blogger's wife's big toe.

• Florida Hates The Yankees. Meanwhile, speaking of the Yankees, we have this. When will the blind hatred end. WHEN?

• The Extra G Is For Goodness. I know that this is occurring on the west coast, but try not to let your eyes glaze over. It's the best race in baseball, and the winner is most likely gonna be in the World Series. Greg Maddux led the Padres oer the Diamondbacks 3-1, San Diego creeping past Arizona by a percentage point for first in the NL West. Brian Giles scored the go-ahead run on Mike Cameron's double in the eighth.

• It Is Alive! Ben Sheets is off of the disabled list! Ben and outdueled Carlos Zambrano, the Brewers taking a 6-1 win over the Cubs to move within 1 1/2 games of first-place Chicago in the NL Central. The Cardinals lost to the Astros 7-0, slipping to third, two games out.

• Angels 8, Mariners 2. When Jared Weaver is winning the fourth out of his past five decisions, don't you get the feeling that the Angels are just destined to do well this season?

The second half of the season has been a different story. Jones' two-run double tied the game in the seventh, and he scored the go-ahead run on an error by reliever Scott Linebrink later that inning as Chicago beat the Brewers 5-3 on Tuesday. Significant, because it dropped the Brewers into third place in the Central, 2 1/2 games behind the first-place Cubs. And that means that your St. Louis Cardinals — 7-0 winners over the Astros on Tuesday in Cecil Cooper's managerial debut — hop into second place, two games behind Chicago. Jones is now hitting .357 in August. Milwaukee fell below .500 for the first time since April 9.

• Moe, Larry, Cheese! And now, what, the Phillies are in a division race? I have no time for this! Ryan Howard's two-run homer in the 10th gave the Phillies a 4-2 win over the Mets, drawing Philadelphia to within four games of first-place New York in the East. Aaron Rowand's swinging bunt (my favorite kind) had tied it in the eighth.

• And Now For A Race That Is Really Close. Mike Cameron knows not of your Cy Young Award. Cameron homered in San Diego's four-run sixth, the Padres beating Arizona 6-4 to pull within one game of the first-place Diamondbacks in the West. Brandon Webb (14-9) gave up six earned runs over 5 1/3 innings and had his six-game winning streak broken. And the Dodgers are only 3 1/2 out, so there's that.

• Oh I'll Mention It OK Fine! Andy Pettitte won his his sixth straight start and Johnny Damon hit a tiebreaking homer as New York beat Boston 5-3. It was the opener of a three-game series and the first meeting between the two teams since June 3. But the Yankees are seven games back in the East; are there any Rapture believers remaining?

• The Cruel Torment Continues. The Angels' Vladimir Guerrero is hitting .509 this season against the Mariners. His four hits and three RBI helped LA beat Seattle 10-6.

• Fan Of The Week. Actually Nathan Keating was arrested on Saturday for general douchebaggery while attending a Diamondbacks-Cubs game at Chase Field. The fact that he's painted red makes this mugshot even more terrific. And ladies ... he's single. Um, just how wasted do you have to be to paint your body for the Diamondbacks?

After the current four-game series at Petco, the teams move to Phoenix for three beginning next Monday. Milton Bradley also homered for San Diego, and to a lot of Padres fans he's been the difference lately. San Diego can come off as a pretty laid-back group of players emotionally; and Bradley is a jalapeno in that recipe. Peavy improved to 15-5 and became the Padres' all-time strikeouts leader. San Diego has a three-game lead in the wild-card race over Philadelphia, which beat the New York Mets 9-2 behind the return of Chase Utley (three hits, including a homer).

• Seller's Remorse? The Padres may be having second thoughts about dumping David Wells, who was signed by the Dodgers and pitched well for them in his debut. From Glaslamp Ball: "Would we have been better off insulting David Wells over and over again before each start? It seems to me that when he's offended, back to the wall, he steps up. I blame Bud Black for not calling him out for being fat and useless before gametime."

• Yankees Make History. You'd have to go to 1907 to find worse road loss for the Yankees, who were paddled 16-0 by the Tigers on Monday. Justin Verlander (14-5) earned the win, striking out six over seven innings. Detroit had 20 hits, roughing up Mike Mussina, who gave up six runs on nine hits in only three innings. Placido Polanco was 3-for-5 including a home run. Among players on that '07 Yankees (Highlanders, actually) squad, by the way, were Wid Conroy, Baldy Louden and a young center fielder named Branch Rickey.

• First Alberto Gonzales, Now This. Wasn't it just two years ago that the Astros were in the World Series? Anyone? Anyone? Manager Phil Garner and general manager Tim Purpura got them there, and now they're out; fired by owner Drayton McLane, who said the team "needed a fresh start" after a becoming one with the bottom of the NL Central (58-73, nine games behind the first-place Cubs). Astros bench coach Cecil Cooper was appointed interim manager, and team president Tal Smith will serve as interim general manager.

• Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero. Poor Mariners. they always seem to get John Lackey. The Angels beat Seattle 6-0, Lackey throwing the seven-hit shutout despite a case of strep throat.

Evidence came with his half price Margarita-fueled, five-inning effort in his debut for the Dodgers on Sunday; LA beating the Mets 6-2. Our hero (6-8) allowed seven hits and two runs, walked three and struck out two in his first game in 20 days ... not bad, really. The Dodgers are now 3½ games back of wild card-leading San Diego, but with three teams to pass (four if you count the Rockies, with whom they are tied), it looks grim. Rafael Furcal went 3-for-4 and scored two runs. David Wright doubled twice for the Mets, who lead the NL East by six games over the Phillies. Kind of odd, isn't it, that David Wells is employed and Alberto Gonzales is not?

• We Now Join The NL Central Already In Progress. Georgia native Adam Wainwright threw seven innings to get the win as the Cardinals beat the Braves 4-1 powered by Juan Encarnacion's home run. And so our little soap opera shows the Cubs (5-4 losers to Arizona) in the lead, with Milwaukee (5-4 losers to the Giants) in second 1 1/2 games out, and St. Louis in third, two games back.

• We're Calling This. Joe Torre quote following Sunday's 5-4 loss to the Tigers: "We're all right." Translation: "We're screwed. We just have to hope for the wild card now." Curtis Granderson had an inside-the-park homer for the Tigers. The Yankees fell to 7 1/2 game behind the Red Sox in the AL East.

• Howard Huge. All you Ryan Howard fans should know that he homered and had four RBI as the Phillies beat the Padres 14-2.

• Four-Game Sweeps. David Ortiz hit a two-run homer, and J.D. Drew and Bobby Kielty also homered, making a winner of Julian Tavarez (!), the Red Sox beating the White Sox 11-1.

A Lesson In Bad Baseball Nicknames. Conor Jackson's 2-run home run was the turning point in the Arizona Diamondbacks's 3-1 win over the Chicago Cubs. But the real story here was MLB.com's front page headline, which referred to him as "CoJack." Ew, God, please don't make that his nickname.

The Other Innings, However, Were Pretty Good. So There's That. Tim Hudson was cruising against the St. Louis Cardinals in the first four innings. But then came the fifth, where he allowed five straight singles. ("Five straight singles" is sometimes used to describe five friends who watch Star Trek.) In that fifth inning, St. Louis scored all five of their runs, which was enough for a 5-4 win over the Atlanta Braves.

Wang Jokes Are Never Not Funny. So, Roger Clemens is allowed to leave the team during road trips, and everybody complains and cries favoritism. But Chien-Ming Wang leaves Friday night's game (that lasted until 3:30 in the morning) early so he can pitch the next day, and nobody says a word? What a pro-Asian bias this country has. Wang got his precious rest and stifled the Detroit Tigers' offense in a 7-2 win. At one point, the Yankees had back-to-back triples. That tends to help too.

Oh Let The Sun Beat Down Upon My Face, Stars To Fill My Dream. So, you know which team it always sucks to play in late August or September? That'd be the Devil Rays, because they're always out of the playoffs and the young'uns are playing out of their heads because they don't know any better. In a 14-3 win over the Oakland A's, Tampa Bay's Scott Kazmir struck out 13, and his offense scored at least 10 runs for the second straight night. Perhaps manager Joe Maddon should just inform his team they're always out of the playoffs, even in April of next year, and continue the lie even if they have a 10-game lead over the Red Sox and Yankees.

Just Bat Him Cleanup Already. Okay, show of hands: who said the Chicago Cubs-Arizona Diamondbacks series in late August would be a battle of two first-place teams? D'backs pitcher Micah Owings did his darnedest, hitting another home run, but Cubs pitchers basically shut down everyone else, coming away with the 6-2 win.

Anabolic Decaf. A 2-1 loss to the Kansas City Royals was the least of the Cleveland Indians problems. Indians minor outfielder Juan Valdes was suspended 50 games after testing positive for a performance enhancer. One hundred percent Colombian steroids. The richest steroids in the world.

His Foot Got In The Way Of My Slide! During the San Diego Padres' 14-3 romp over the Philadelphia Phillies, There was some kind of disagreement in the fourth inning. The Phillies' baserunner Carlos Ruiz was for universal health care, while Padres second baseman Marcus Giles felt he shouldn't have to pay extra taxes. As tensions flared, the other players sprang from the dugouts to help. But eventually the teams went back to their respective dugouts once they realized they weren't jumping into a lively health care debate — Ruiz merely slid hard into Giles and he didn't like it.

And It Only Took Eight Hours. Four hours of a rain delay, coupled with four hours of regulation baseball, left little time for Carlos Guillen to hit a walk-off home run, sending the Detroit Tigers to a 9-6 win over the New York Yankees. So Guillen's hit came at 3:30 in the morning, which is peak prostitution solicitation time in Detroit. At least that's, um, what a friend told me.

Maybe you've forgotten, but the Dodgers are in the middle of the NL wild card hunt, and they're hoping that a certain 44-year-old who is fond of macaroni and cheese sandwiches will help them reach the Promised Land. David Wells is back in a pennant race! He agreed to a contract Thursday and plans to make his first start on Sunday night against the Mets in New York. It's probably too much to hope for that Wells would face Pedro Martinez is that one, so I'll just be thankful for whomever they throw out there. Wells, of course, was designated for assignment by the Padres on August 9 and placed on waivers four days later. He cleared waivers last week and became a free agent. The funny thing is that he actually could help ... the Dodgers beat the Phillies 5-2 on Thursday (Chad Billingsley (!) got the win), to move 2 1/2 games behind San Diego and a half-game behind the Phillies in the wild card race. Godspeed, Boomer. Hmm, could it be that the only reason he's coming back is to get a shot at some of that sweet Who's The Boss lady action? I, for one, hope so.

• Speaking Of Said Padres And Mets ... After Billy Wagner and Trevor Hoffman (combined career saves: 867) proved worthless and weak, Heath Bell ushered in a bright, new era in relief pitching to lead the Padres over the Mets 9-8. Adrian Gonzalez homered in the 10th to win it, as both Wagner and Hoffman earned blown saves. Bell pitched the 10th, giving up two singles and striking out one to hold on for the save.

• Boof Bonser Alert. Perhaps even more devastating than giving up 30 runs in one game is getting beaten by Boof Bonser. The Man Called Boof pitched seven innings and allowed three hits to get his first win since June 10, the Twins beating the Orioles 5-2. Oh, and three errors by Baltimore helped. Bonser was 0-8 in his previous 12 starts.

• Piazza Delivery. It was career homer No. 424 for Mike Piazza, one of his four hits for five RBI in leading the Athletics over the Devil Rays 12-2.

• Cain Mutiny. Giants starter Matt Cain beat Carlos Zambrano both on the mound and at the plate, San Francisco prevailing over Chicago 4-1. Cain shut down Chicago for seven innings and hit his second career homer. St. Louis lost and and Milwaukee was idle, essentially giving the NL Central race a day off.

It did fall short, of course, of the all-time professional record,