Yes, the ad wizards at Jerry Jones Heavy Manufacturing Concern, LLC, decided that their eleventy-billion dollar show palace, $14 hamburgers, live sex shows (NSFW), cheerleaders, and "Party Passes" (oh, and an NFL game) would not be enough to entertain the 80,000 people who bothered to show up for the 'Boys latest December nightmare. So at the start of the second half against the Chargers, they turned the 160' by 90' superstructure over midfield into a 3-D movie theater so that fans in attendance could experience the wonder of football with length, width and depth! It's like you're actually there!

Now stop and think about this for a second, since no one who works for the organization apparently did. In order to see 3-D images on a television, you need to wear special glasses—glasses that impair your vision of the real, physical world around you. This means that the Cowboys were literally asking fans to ignore the actual live football game taking place before their very eyes, so that they could watch it on television instead. For $300 a ticket. Because that would be more "realistic." The effect certainly is mind boggling.

Since many fans chose not to put on (or couldn't figure out?) the stupid glasses, the video replay board became a blurry red and blue mess to their eyes. According to reports, the loudest cheer of the day came when they finally shut it off halfway through the third quarter.

Of course, the dirty secret of JerryWorld's massive video board is that it so overshadows the playing field that most fans end up staring at it anyway, rather than the flesh-and-blood players on the field in front of them. (Granted, some don't have any choice.) I'm sure that thought will comfort DeMarcus Ware when he wakes up from his coma.

It's hard to see what Dallas Cowboys saw in 3D call [Dallas Morning News]
3D experiment falls flat at Cowboys Stadium [PFT]
Cowboys Stadium 3D scoreboard experiment doesn't go so well, turned off in less than seven minutes [Second image via Engadget]
"3-D" a "3-Dud" at Cowboys Stadium [WPMT]

Manning admitted to the scandalous crime of writing his name on a wall in the visitors' lockeroom, along with the date and the score of the first game ever played at the stadium. Manning says he was asked to do it by a stadium employee—because who does that otherwise?—but Wade Phillips insists that none of his people would ever do that! No, the only explanation is that Eli is a classy, classy jerk.

"Eli is a classy player, a great player," Phillips said. "I really respect him and his family. I don't think he meant anything by it. But it wasn't a great thing for him to do, obviously.

"Things come back around in this league. I respect the teams we play and the players we play. That's the way I approach games, and I expect our players to do the same."

RESPECT! That was not good, Eli! I mean, it's fine for Brandon Jacobs to say he hates the Cowboys like a sickness, but at least he didn't write it down anywhere. Or for Patrick Crayton to compare the Giants to a rabid dog. (Hey, it was a favorable comparison!) However, we can still get some selective quoting of Cowboy linebacker Bradie James to add some fuel to the fire. This comes from an ESPN story about the Manning autograph:

"We won't forget that," said James, a defensive captain who ranted Wednesday about his dislike of the Giants. "It just makes for a more intense game."

Wow, he hates writing! Except that not exactly how he said it....

"Eli signed the inside of the locker room, the wall," James said. "He put the score. They ruined our first game. We won't forget that. It just makes for a more intense game."

So James actually remembers that the Dallas lost to New York and that might be a valid reason to be upset at them? You know, for being such tough guys, football player are awfully sensitive.

Dallas Cowboys not happy about Eli's signature on wall [Fort Worth Star-Telegram]
Writing is on the Cowboys Stadium wall for New York Giants' Manning [Dallas Morning News]
NY Giants' Brandon Jacobs loves to hate Dallas Cowboys [Dallas Morning News]

Last year, Romo's life—and that of his team—was an embarrassing and not very entertaining soap opera. He was dating an incredibly untalented tabloid star, fighting with his wide receivers (while secretly holding late-night trysts with his tight end) and the Cowboys missed the playoffs after he folded like a cheap suit during the stretch run. (Plus, there was Hard Knocks, Pacman Jones, Roy Williams, etc...) After a promising start to his career, it was looking like he might become the answer to a bar trivia question 10 years from now that would make people say, "Tony Romo? Whatever happened to that guy?"

Since then he dumped Jessica, Terrell Owens got run out of town and the Cowboys have returned to first place. Romo has found a new, less complain-y target and the giant video board is too distracting for anyone to notice his shaky footwork. Without all that drama in his life, Romo is a pretty solid quarterback. Solid enough to outsmart Andy Reid and the Eagles anyway. (Seriously, between the failed challenges and sissy field goal in the final minutes, I don't think there's any big game the Eagles can't find a way to screw up.)

Oh, there's still plenty of time for that late season collapse (despite two games against Washington and Oakland at home) and he still has a grumpy and terrible Roy Williams to deal with. Plus, you know ... Wade Phillips. But right now no one really cares about what Tony Romo is up to anymore and that should be just the way he likes it if he wants to keep winning.

Tony Romo, minus the flash, has pushed Cowboys atop of NFC East [USA Today]
Tony Romo delivers another complete performance in win over Eagles [Fort Worth Star-Telegram]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Marmalard: That'll show those Giants for trading you for that pretty boy. Now let's get fucking druuuuunk. [Newsday]

The Indianapolis Colts: All they do is win! (*Regular Season Only) They'll be undefeated when the Patriots come to town next week. Then we'll see what's what. [Yahoo, Toronto Star]

SEC Championship Game Ticket Brokers: Another SEC game, another poor officiating job in favor of the undefeated team. They will get their Alabama vs. Florida, but not without another bit of generosity from the referees. [Mobile Press-Register, Wetzel]

Big Ten Haters: The conference's last best hope for respectability lost their quarterback and their undefeated season and now Ohio State will get yet another chance to lose the Rose Bowl. At least all our games are out of the way before Thanksgiving! (Sigh.) [Chicago Tribune, The Lantern]

Vince Young: 2-0 since taking over the reigns of the Titans. So everything's cool now, right? [Tennessean]

Finally, the Weekend Loser?: Matt Leinart: Seriously, the guy came into a no pressure, can't lose blowout and still got pulled from the game for being worse than ineffective. (One attempt, one interception.) Have you considered a career in the exciting field of electronics repair? The brochure is free!

A Philly Eagles blog had discovered, in the wild, what they declare to be the "worst sports fan in America." Yes, the mythical Yankee/Cowboy fan does exist. The license plate is obscured, so we don't where this creature lives or if he also roots for the Stormtroopers when he watches Star Wars.

If the owner of this truck would like to write in and explain how someone logically becomes a fan of both a Texas football team and a New York baseball team without just being a shameless, opportunistic front-runner, I'm sure we'd all love to hear that story. I bet it's a doozy.

Pic: The worst sports fan in America [Bleeding Green Nation]

UPDATE: Reader Adam (a Yankee and Cowboy fan) writes in to defend himself. You be the totally impartial judge:

I don't own that truck, but I am both a Yankees and Cowboys fan, as well as a Montreal Canadiens fan (but I don't like the NBA enough to have a team). The story of my fan development isn't particularly wacky (to me): I grew up during the late 80s-early 90s in a small town in New York near the border with Quebec. Hockey is the main sport there, and the closest major city is Montreal. My father was never a diehard football fan - he'd have the games playing on Sundays, but he'd root for the underdog most of the time. I was a kid, and I saw Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith and decided that was the team I liked. Been a fan ever since, even though they haven't won anything since I started liking them as a kid. My father doesn't watch baseball, so it was never on in my house. I only started watching it in college with my friends, and I initially picked the Astros as a neutral team to root for because I didn't care to get involved in all of the Yankees vs. Red Sox bullshit, and because they were pretty good at the time. However, as I started to like baseball more and more, I realized that rooting for the Astros while living in New York wasn't worth it, as, unlike with the Cowboys, very few of their games were available for me to watch. My friends in New York post-college are mostly Yankees fans, so a couple years ago, I decided to be one too.

I understand that, at first glance, it may seem like people like me are bandwagon-jumpers, but look at my case: I started liking the Cowboys at the tail end of their dynasty, and have spent most of my life watching them lose. I started liking the Yankees during a time when all the fans had to be excited about was Jason Giambi's mustache. It was circumstance that got me on board with these teams, and that circumstance wasn't winning.

Adam

We've got emails from two more dual threats. Are you noticing a pattern?

I also am a Yankee/Cowboy fan. Ill make it short and sweet. My parents were immigrants from Europe, so my Dad was a soccer/boxing fanatic. Growing up in the 70's in Queens NY was tough being ant kind of NY sports fan. Giants/Jets were terrible at that time so it was either Cowboys/Raiders/Dolphins or Steelers. I loved the Cowboys because of the cheerleaders, and they were always on TV, and loved watching them on Thanksgiving, plus they had Staubach, Dorsett, Newhouse, Pearson etc etc etc….those were my boys, and I have been a diehard ever since. Now the Yankees were an easy choice because my first baseball game as achild was a bat day at Yankee stadium in the early 70's. I got Roy Whites bat and I think he hit a HR that day. Also loved Billy Martin, Reggie, Piniella, Murcer, Nettles, Micky Rivers and so on. Also the Mets were really bad back then.

That's about it.

Thanks
Ed K
Somerset NJ
Formerly of Ridgewood Queens, NYC

I start my defense with the theory that most fans attach to a team in three ways: (1) It's the local team, (2) It's a parent's favorite team or (3) It's a team that just happens to be successful at the time they start watching and understanding the sport.

For me, I became a Cowboys fan as a 8 year old because they were the best team at the time I started watching football and understanding the game. Also, I detested the Buffalo Bills because I couldn't fathom how a team could lose that many Super Bowls in a row. Growing up in Syracuse NY it was fun to mock Bills fans (including most of my family). So, I attached to the team that killed them the worst. Since then, I've stuck with the Cowboys through the last 15 years of Jerry Jones' madness. If I was a bandwagon-jumper I would have jumped to the Eagles like a lot of people I know when they drafted McNabb.

As for the Yankees, they are a local team here and I grew up watching their games on MSG. Also, I became interested in Yankee history at time in 1992, 1993 when they played second fiddle to the Blue Jays. Especially, in Syracuse where the local AAA team was with the Blue Jays. I admit that we got spoiled by 4 out of 5 World Series, but I got to suffer in 2004.

In my opinion your only a bandwagon- jumper if you totally leave your team when another gets good. I've stuck with these two teams in good times and bad. To balance this out I have to suffer through SU Football, and with the exception of 2003, repeated SU Basketball chokes.

Craig

A note on "Bandwagons": I propose that picking a team simply because they are the best (even, or especially, if you're new to a sport) is the definition of bandwagonism. However, I will grant that young children make poor decisions—I myself flirted with the Bradshaw-era Steelers before I even understood what that meant—and sticking with that team even when they are terrible is an admirable trait.

That being said, voluntarily choosing to support what are arguably the two most hated teams in sports will never win you sympathy.

Two more. First, the quite reasonable Mike.

A friend of mine forwarded me the article you wrote. I am a Cowboy and Yankee fan. I hear the "you're a bandwagon fan" comment several times a year, all from people who don't know me. My friends and family know that I have been a fan of both my entire life. Here is my story. I was born in New Jersey in 1973. My family are all Yankees and Giants fans. My father was in the Army and we were stationed in Kansas in 1976.

The reason I chose the Yankees is fairly obvious. My family are all die-hard Yankees fans. I remember my grandfather would watch Yankees games on TV while wearing headphones listening to the radio braodcast.

As for my choosing the Cowboys. I think it was a combination of two things. I think while I was living in Kansas, they showed the Cowboys alot. That coupled with the fact they had some pretty hot cheerleaders settled the deal. When I was 4 (1977) I received a Roger Staubach jersey for Christmas. We also moved to Northern Virginia that year, where I have lived ever since.

I remember being the only Cowboys fan in school. I hate Joe Montana to this day for "The Catch". I remember pleading with my mom to let me stay home from school the day after Dallas lost to Washington in the NFC Championship game. I suffered thru Dallas' 1-15 season, only win against the Redskins.

People may say I am bandwagon fan. If being a fan of the Yankees and Cowboys since I started watching sports as a 3-4 year old and being a fan of both ever since makes me a bandwagon fan, then I guess I am.

Just wanted to share my background as to why I am a fan of both.

Thanks
Mike
Virginia

Then Gino, who is not helping the cause....

In addition to being a lifelong die-hard fan of these two teams, I also root for the North Carolina Tar Heels (Jordan and Carter are my two favorite players) and the Michigan Wolverines (guilty of being the #1 team in the country when I discovered college football at the tender age of 6).

I was born in 1991 and live less than 30 minutes outside of Albany, NY. This is Yankee country, so I don't see why I should even need to defend my love for the team. Granted, my youth ran parallel to the late-90s dynasty, and all I knew at the time was that the Yankees had lots of championships and were about to win a lot more. But I was unaware of the apparent law that I needed to be inherently bitter and reject the all the success of a team that had supplied me with cherished childhood memories.

As for the Cowboys, I was born in a Cowboys home. My dad was born the same year the team was founded, and grew up in a non-English speaking home. In an effort to assimilate into American culture, he rooted for America's Team, which they indisputably were at the time. And what more does a guy want than to find a woman who loves him, start his own successful business with her, and have a son in his own image who he can share his love for his favorite football team with? That's where I came in, and I was fortunate enough to grow up while Dallas was winning 3 Super Bowls in a 4-year period. But by the time I was 5, the winning had come and gone. And yet I have continued to watch and support this team through 3 consecutive 5-11 seasons, pathetic displays of management, and a barrage of late-season collapses.

I finish by saying that I neither want nor need anybody's sympathy for rooting for these teams. Need I remind you that LeBron James, who is inevitably becoming the face of sports, is both a Yankees fan and a Cowboys fan? I'll put my fanhood up against anybody's, and I may be celebrating prematurely here but the sporting world better brace itself for the very real possibility that the Yankees and the Cowboys will once again both be champions at the same time. The Yankees didn't rebuild, they reloaded. And how far can an undrafted QB and an undrafted WR take a team in the playoffs? We shall see.

Very sincerely,
Gino (aka the worst sports fan in America)

You know, I could have taken Gino's side on this if he didn't also admit to backing two different colleges he has no affiliation with that just happened to be among the winningest programs in the history of their sport. Sheesh.

* * * * *

It's Wednesday. Dibs on the pumpernickel bagel.

Game Notes:

• Gerbil extremely agitated today. Tried to jump off table multiple times
• Frog extremely sedate, but had a fire hose of piss shoot out of him after initial contact.
• Gerbil left one stray piece of fecal matter at the 30.
• Frog just chillin', getting fat.
• Gerbil's heart rate about 180 bpm throughout game.
• Frog could wear Cowboys helmet all day.

A High Point In The Brandon Marshall Soap Opera Makes A Fan Go Mushy [The Watch]

Video by Gawker boy genius Mike Byhoff

The Cowboys issued a statement last night in order to clarify this video that seemed to show Romo not realizing what down it was at the end of the Broncos game on Sunday. According to Romo, he was perfectly aware that it was fourth down and even told his teammates in the huddle before the fateful snap. But as he turned to walk off the field when the play was over, he noticed the down and distance marker said "3." So he merely double-checked with the refs who confirmed for him that he would not get to throw another incomplete pass. (WR Patrick Crayton also backs up that version of events.)

So why did the referee's marker say three? Because you need to dial it back from four to one and they were in the process of resetting it. Why are we still relying on this primitive number wheel technology? In this day age, can't we have 3-D holograms that display our downs for us? Or singing robots? Or special microwaves that beam all yardage information directly into our brains? The future is so disappointing.

Dallas Cowboys' Romo knew the last down against Denver [Dallas Morning News]

Fox's Dallas-Fort Worth affiliate is showing off footage this morning that could be interpreted to show Tony Romo believing that he had one more down remaining after Champ Bailey knocked away his final pass attempt in the end zone on Sunday. As the Broncos and their fans celebrate, Romo waves at his lineman as if to get them back to line of scrimmage for one more play. Then he appears to look at the refs while holding up three fingers, until he is forced to admit the dark truth that hides within his soul—the last play was not, in fact, third down. That's when the expletives start to fly.

It's possible that Romo had forgotten that he spiked the ball on second down to stop the clock. Hey, it happens! Or another theory (mine) is that someone on the Dallas sideline may have confused him by trying to send in another play. (He's not acting with a lot of urgency, because he probably knows that he's wrong.) None of the Cowboys have spoken up yet, so it's still a bit of a mystery. Much like the Cowboys red zone strategy.

Meanwhile, another blogger simply wants a retroactive pass interference call on Bailey, but unfortunately, he is operating under the mistaken impression that people might actually feel sorry for the Cowboys.

Was Tony Romo Lost During Last Play of Cowboys-Broncos Game? [My FoxDFW]
Champ Bailey Should Have Been Flagged For Pass Interference [The Landry Hat]

Don't be too alarmed — it's only three seconds of pretty standard grunt-heavy missionary sex on the bathroom floor, nabbed by this citizen journalist who, along with many others at Dallas Stadium last night, witnessed this display. My friend, who was at the game, said many Cowboys fans were startled by the odd noises coming from the Hall of Fame box level bathroom stall, where a couple clad in Michael Irvin jerseys were "totally banging" at the end of the 4th quarter when the Cowboys had pretty much wrapped it up. The commotion soon became very, very public and many fans equipped with cellphone cameras ran into the stall to snap pictures. Luckily, our guy had video and stuck his hand over the stall like a true professional voyeur and caught a a few mighty thrusts during Irvin on Irvin.

After the couple was finished (my friend says this was done via hand, for some reason — so old school) the two people walked out from the bathroom and were greeted by raucous applause. One onlooker yelled "See you on YouTube!" and the happy man graciously replied "Bring it on!" Of course he did.

Now, whether Jerry Jones will take it upon himself to fuck-proof the roomy Hall of Fame bathroom stalls from here on out is yet to be seen, but since he has Cowboys cage dancers and plenty of other carnival-like attractions going on, a little public fornication probably won't faze him too much.

Dallas Cowboy Stadium, ladies and gentlemen — fun for the whole family.

A fan who wrote a complaint letter to the Cowboys was offered this semi-contrite note from the organization along with some more party passes. The letter also reveals that "the only reason so many party passes were sold for Sunday's game was to break the attendance record." You don't say.

Hi Michael,

I sincerely apologize for the problematic experience you and your family endured on Sunday. In order to help make the situation right, we can offer you a refund or comp party passes to another game this season.

If you would like a refund, Ticketmaster will issue the refund for your party pass purchase. Please contact them at 1-800-653-8000. We have communicated with Ticketmaster, and they are aware of the refund process for this event.

If it helps at all, the only reason so many party passes were sold for Sunday's game was to break the attendance record [the Cowboys deny writing this part of the letter]. I can assure you that only 1/3 of that amount of party passes will be sold for each game going forward...10,000 max instead of 30,000. That was a one-time deal for the grand opening of the stadium .

Sincerely, Dallas Cowboys Football Club

There you have it: Jerry Jones is sorry for his Texas-sized hubris and the hellish environment he created by deliberately overselling party passes. So to make up for it, how 'bout some more of those party passes?
Cowboys Offer Refund, World's Worst Excuse (Updated) [Blue Star]

Roughly 29,999 of the 30,000 people who paid $29 to wander around Cowboys Stadium on Sunday night were left disappointed by the fact that crowded concourses, blocked access, and long bathroom lines meant they paid $29 for standing room tickets to a TV. Those were the lucky ones. Many folks didn't even get inside, because they were under the mistaken impression that a "ticket" gives you access to an event and not just access to the "plazas outside the party decks" which are not actually inside the stadium. Fine print!

As this video helpfully demonstrates, the vast majority of Party Pass holders only got a view of the other Party Pass holders. And naturally, the swarm of Texas-sized asses clogging the entrances, concourses, concessions and seats belonging to actual ticket holders created such chaos that the fire department gave up trying to control them and officially declared jungle law.

There was one fan who defended the passes to the Dallas Morning News—all you had to do was show up 5 hours early!—but another poo-pooed his theory and eloquently put things into perspective for all the angry Cowboy backers.

"Absolute Disaster. That's it. Concession lines were way too long, bathrooms were overcrowded, it reminded me of the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina.

Without all the death and rape, of course!

Fortunately I was with three other guys that are 6'4" 250 lbs. so we were able to push our way through crowds. I talked to countless people who got there hours ahead of kickoff only to be bullied out of the way with no view of the field.

Interesting. Were these the same people bullied by your friends or are we talking about a different group of pushy jerks?

Did they let the party get too big at Cowboys Stadium? [Dallas Morning News]
Jerry Jones on the Party Pass [Dallas Morning News]
Video of The Dallas Cowboys Party Pass Area [YouBeenBlinded]

You haven't seen the owner of the Cowboys pick his nose until you've seen it on a giant 160-by-72 foot high definition video screen. Such fidelity! Such vivid colors! Man, that schozz just leaps out you! Don't raise that scoreboard one inch, because the man paid his money and everyone deserves to see boogers in all their over-sized pixeled glory. That thing makes snot on your iPod Nano look like snot on a Sony Watchman.

Add that pick to Tony Romo's three and Dallas is 0-1 at home. But man did it look sharp!

Jerry Jones Caught Picking His Nose At New Cowboys Stadium [Sports Rubbish]

* * * * *

Monday means Work. Glorious Work to make our Revolution strong! Report slackers to your local party office.

Dallas has until 7:15 tonight to sell their remaining reserve tickets for the Giants game or risk being blacked out on local TV. Team officials say they have "no doubt" that all tickets will be sold and the team will avoid its first blackout since 1990, but as of 11:00 a.m. there are still a few hundred tickets unsold. And they may be severely overestimating the number of Texans willing to pay $239 a pop (plus convenience fees!) to sit in the fourth deck. Especially when they can pay $29 for a "Party Pass" and just poach the unoccupied seats.

On the other hand, Cowboy fans are lunatics so anything is possible. Well over 20,000 of them are willing to stand and watch the game on giant TVs instead of on their couch, which when combined with the nearly 80,000-seated customers could approach the 103,467 who saw Arizona play San Francisco in Mexico City in 2005. But it's not a sellout if seats are empty (ask the Yankees) and it would certainly soothe the haters to know that the 100,000 people inside Cowboys Stadium are the only Dallas-area residents allowed to watch their football team.

Yeah, that probably won't happen. But if the team struggles at all this year, those $239 seats are going to look a lot less attractive.

Cowboys Officials Have No Doubt Game Will Be On TV [CBS11]
Crowd of 100,000-plus could watch Dallas Cowboys' first regular-season game at new stadium [ESPN]

The Cowboys insane video scoreboard and it's special teams abilities will be a hot topic of broadcaster conversation at every Dallas home game (and some away games) this year, so bloggers—as is their wont—have been forced to invent a drinking game. A brief selection from the rules:

6. One shot if the broadcast cuts to Jerry Jones' uneasy face after Andy Lee punts the ball into his scoreboard.

7. Two shots if Coach Mike Singletary looks amused with Andy Lee punting the ball into the scoreboard.

8. One shot if any broadcaster makes an analogy between the new Cowboy Stadium and the Death Star.

It might not be that fun, but I guarantee you'll be passed out before halftime.

Andy Lee Drinking Game [Niners Nation]

GeekBrief.tv posted this longer video about the giant punt-blocking HDTV hanging over the field, but in the course of their visit they also discovered something special—the worst stadium seats imaginable. One is literally behind a cement column. The other sits up against a cement wall that obstructs all of the stadium except for one red zone. I'm not sure which exact seat this is, but there doesn't seem to be any indication on Ticketmaster that obstructed view seats are available or that they are any cheaper than the lowest listed price of $75. ($59 as part of a season ticket package.) The standing-room only morons get a better deal than that, but at least you get a chair.

How bad are these seats? You are in the same room with the world's largest video screen, a massive 160-by-90-foot egoriffic TV built specifically to give fans in the cheap seats a visual reminder that they are actually attending a football game ... and you can't even see that. Unless you've recently had your neck elongated, you are better off watching at home.

So when broadcasters are boasting every Sunday about the 100,000 maniacs feeding the Jerry Jones wishing machine, do you think they will mention the 35,000 (plus two!) fans who are paying money to not watch a football game with their own eyes? Please, sir, may we have some more?

Visiting the Largest HD Display in the World [GeekBrief.tv, via BobsBlitz]
Related: Cowboys' Massive New Stadium Not Big Enough To Play Football In
New Yankee Stadium Preserves Some Of That 1920s Charm

Forty million of those dollars went to the installation of a massive 160-foot long, 90-foot high HD video board that dominates the airspace above the field. And in a surprise twist that no one could have seen coming, it took only one game to learn that an average NFL punter can easily smack the thing on a routine kick. Titans backup A.J. Trapasso hit it in the third quarter of their preseason game last night. Starter Craig Hentrich said he hit it half a dozen times in warmups and estimated that half the league's kickers wouldn't be able to punt normally in that building.

Jones isn't buying that, however. He says the board has "entertainment value" and has no plans to move it higher. (There probably isn't room, anyway.) Plus, Jones is convinced that the only danger is a devious punter with no regard for the laws of football who would intentionally try to hit the thing.

"If you look at how you punt the football, unless you're trying to hit the scoreboard, you punt the ball to get downfield. You certainly want to get some hangtime, but you punt the ball to get downfield, and you sure don't punt the ball down the middle. You punt it off to the side."

"How high is high if somebody just wants to sit there and kick straight up?"

Yeah, why would a punter ever want to kick a ball ... up? That's not the Cowboy way, I tell ya.

Titans kicker exposes problem in Cowboys Stadium [ESPN]
Jerry Jones: The scoreboard isn't budging [Dallas Morning News]

1. Their new stadium will rape your wallet multiple times over. Some of the new features of Jerry Jones' (YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!) $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium include carpeted floors (whee!), the world's biggest LCD screen (fer watchin' all dem big plays!), and a retractable roof. Oh yeah, there's also the $60 pizzas, and the $35, standing room only Party Passes the team is selling to an estimated 35,000 people PER FUCKING GAME. In other words, any time you attend a Dallas Cowboys game this year, nearly one third of the people in the stadium will be trying to take your fucking seat. Keep in mind that the city of Arlington approved $325 million in bonds to help in the construction of this thing. The new Cowboys Stadium is the football equivalent of the new Yankees Stadium: a painfully expensive, unnecessary luxury stadium that replaced a perfectly useful old home, partially paid for by taxpayers with the sole purpose of extracting more money from fans, perhaps at the expense of the home team's on-field success.

2. If I have to hear Berman say "How bout them Cowboys?" one more god damn time… Seriously, Jimmy Johnson. FUCK YOU. Just because you won the NFC title against the 49ers back in 1993 didn't give you license to coin a phrase that would stay in the football lexicon forever and ever, well past the point of tolerance. Not only does Berman use this phrase every week, but he does that thing he also does whenever he talks about the Raiders where he adopts a bizarre kind of baby talk voice. So it sounds kind of like, "Heh bet dem Caaaabayyyys?" I fucking hate this. I wish Berman were anally raped with a curling iron.

3. I'm an American, and I did not ask for this team. Speaking of annoying terms associated with the Dallas Cowboys, the phrase "America's Team" was coined by NFL Films VP Bob Ryan in 1979 because he needed a catchy title for the team's 1978 highlight film. That's the reason this team has been forced down America's throats now for the better part of three decades. Some asshole decided, "Hey, everyone loves the Cowboys!" then the media followed suit, then a bunch of fair-weather asshole fans adopted the team as their own. As a result, the Cowboys belong to the dreaded Yankees/Lakers/Cowboys axis of sports douchebaggery. If you root for two of those three teams, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND SOCIETY WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF YOU WERE STRANGLED AND LEFT FOR DEAD IN A RAVINE. There's a reason every time a Cowboys fan calls into a radio station, they must always add the prefix "longtime" to "Cowboy fan" while declaring their affiliation. It's because no one believes them.

4. They won't even have a chance to choke away a playoff spot this year. While the rest of the division improved, the Cowboys were fit to stand pat with Wade Phillips (he of the 0-4 playoff record) as head coach. They also did virtually nothing to their roster, with the mild exception of adding LB Keith Brooking. In short, this is the exact same team as the one that shat the bed last year. Only thinner at wideout.

5. Always remember: Michael Irvin once stabbed a guy in the fucking neck with scissors. I can't stress that point strongly enough. There are so many reasons to loathe the Cowboys. They get more media attention than they merit. They attract numerous, annoying douchebag fans. They're from Texas. That one guy from Slate likes them, even though he doesn't actually like them. Goddamn Drew fucking Pearson fucking lucky prick. But above all, Michael Irvin is an attempted fucking murderer. Fuck that guy, fuck the Cowboys, and fuck Dallas in the chaps.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

No, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys hasn't been anthropomorphized into a giant inflatable mascot ... yet. But we have a gut feeling that the spirit of the big guy is always hovering over training camp. Just a subtle reminder that no matter where you go, no matter what you do, Jerry Jones is there. and he is watching.

In case you're wondering, that's H.E. Buddy. He's a talking grocery bag that kids are not at all creeped out by.

Speaking of creepy, have you ever actually read the words to the University of Texas alma mater?

The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the live long day.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night, or early in the morn'.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
Till Gabriel blows his horn!

Yikes. I think you should get a restraining order against Texas.

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It's Thursday. Power up and let's do this thing.