It's your official Deadspin NFL Preview Podcast. MJD and I go through both conferences and give our predicted records for every team, plus our playoff and Super Bowl picks. Will they all turn out to be wrong? You fucking know it.

I remember when I was a kid and it was a big deal when SI's NFL Preview would arrive in the mail, and it would have all of Dr. Z's predicted team records inside. They were always wrong, of course (BILLS TO WIN IT ALL HARUMPH!). But because there were, like, three people who predicted things in print back then, they had some semblance of authority to them. Dr. Z won't be making those annual SI picks this year due his series of strokes in November. Taking his place will be Westin's worst nightmare, Peter King. Somehow, I doubt his picks will be as authoritative as Dr. Z's used to be.

MJD and I also have time to touch on a couple of other things. Astoundingly, MJD says that the talent pool of women in Morgantown is equal to that of Arizona State. This is a man who spends a good deal of his time looking at pussy, so that kind of bold statement isn't to be taken lightly. I still think it's bullshit, though.

By all means, consider this post a chance for you to do some predicting of your own. Before you do, I strongly suggest you check out the strength of schedules for each team as listed by KFFL. For your reference, here are all eight NFL divisions ranked in order of schedule strength, strongest to weakest:

1. AFC East
1. NFC South (tie)
2. NFC East
3. AFC South
4. AFC West
5. NFC West
6. AFC North
7. NFC North

And here is a list of which divisions play each other during the course of the regular season. I can never find a list like this anywhere, so here it is for your reference.

NFC North: AFC North, NFC West
NFC East: NFC South, AFC West
NFC South: NFC East, AFC East
NFC West: AFC South, NFC North
AFC North: NFC North, AFC West
AFC East: NFC South, AFC South
AFC South: AFC East, NFC West
AFC West: NFC East, AFC North

Aaaaaand, Doctor. This weekend is the last weekend without meaningful football. I am officially fucking excited.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Next week, it's the Hater's Guide To The Top 25, with Spencer Hall. Got a team in the Top 25 you hate? Want your death threat to Bobby Stoops read over the air? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and get ready for the NFL.

NOTE: Due to a tech snafu, the AFC Fantasy football preview was overwritten. I'll repost it by the end of the week.

That's right, it's the second half of our fantasy football preview. Last time around, we handled the AFC. This time, we go through the NFC, team by team, skill player by skill player. We tried to cram as much useful information into one hour as we possibly could, and I think you'll agree that we did a decent job of it. Behrens knows his shit. He's like Matthew Berry, if Matthew Berry wasn't a douchebag I'd like to beat to death with a claw hammer.

Behrens also offer a Super Bowl prediction: Eagles over Chargers. I suspect he won't be alone on that front.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Next week's Deadcast will be a full NFL preview with the Mighty MJD. Got a question you want read over the air for next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen to a blissfully dog-free podcast.

No, no. I kid. No, the news is that, on September 16th, Deadspin will be taken over for the day by Michael Schur, Alan Yang, and Dave King, better known as Ken Tremendous, Junior and dak from the legendary Fire Joe Morgan (Daulerio says it's 9/12 in the podcast, but he fucked up). And they'll be doing all sorts of great Fire Joe Morgan things, like systematically breaking down all the ways that Joe Morgan is a fucking idiot. So that's nice.

Otherwise, this week's podcast features AJ and I talking about upcoming events in the fall and making predictions Cultural Oddsmaker style. Here are some of the questions we tackle:

Where will Erin Andrews make her next television appearance? Does Brazzers count?

Who's the Super Bowl favorite?

How will Leno's show do?

What's the next celebrity death?

Who will be the #1 college team in October?

Who will win the World Series?

What's the next crazy thing Whitlock will say to get noticed?

From there, we branch out and also track down answers to these other, non-vital questions:

What's the first movie and/or TV show we jacked off to?

How much does Chris Connelly know about Tupac's murder?

Why did AJ buy a mattress full of bees off of Craigslist?

Why does AJ live next to a plant that manufactures garbage trucks?

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. No Deadcast next week. I'm on vacation. Got a question you want read over the air for the week after? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Daulerio admits that he laughs at Jaywalking.

Maybe it's because I'm a yokel farm boy — just a hayseed! confused by your big-city ways! just trying to type my little stories and shamble on down that thar dirt road! — but I'm not a heavy user of expletives, in casual conversation or otherwise. Drew obviously grew up differently: Drew obviously grew up in Deadwood.

As a little homage to Drew — who's actually far better a podcast host than any of us imagined — and as an exercise in self-destruction, I sat down over the weekend and listened to every single Deadcast. That's 21 Deadcasts, totaling 13 hours, 9 minutes and 4 seconds. It was a difficult four days: Drew has narrated every wet dream for six straight nights now. But I did it for you.

I wanted to find out just how many times Drew says "fuck," each podcast, as opposed to his guests. Has he gotten more vulgar, or less? What guests does he feel most comfortable saying "fuck" around? Did anyone out "fuck" him?

I present to you my findings. It turns out, one guest did out "fuck" Drew. You'll never guess who it was.

March 18, 2009. Guest: Will Leitch. Length: 26:42

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 55.
Leitch: 3.

In the very first Deadcast, Drew sets a record that will surely never be broken: More than two "fuck"s a minute. It's early in Drew's podcast career, so "fuck" works for him the way "ahem," "um" or "er" work for the rest of us.

March 18, 2009. Guest: Spencer Hall. Length: 15:26

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 31.
Spencer: 5.

As you'll find, when Drew's talking to people he knows, or old friends, the "fuck"s run wildly, and free. By the way, Spencer Hall is a particularly excellent podcast guest. The next time Drew needs a fill-in, it's recommended he lean toward Spencer rather than, say, me. Spencer is smarter, funnier and is able to say words without repeating the first consonant six times.

March 24, 2009. Guest: Jeff Pearlman. Length: 26:35.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 11.
Pearlman: 0.

Perhaps embarrassed by his guest's puritanism and fear of "doing the nasty thing", Drew reels it in.

March 24, 2009. Guest: Will Leitch. Length: 26:12.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 33.
Leitch: 0.

Two straight shutouts puts him within 15 "fuck"s of tying Orel Hershiser's record.

April 2, 2009. Guest: Michael Silver. Length: 41:26.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 26.
Silver: 4.

Michael Silver is awesome, and I have no idea how Drew shoehorned 26 "fuck"s into such an informative and useful podcast. (Michael Silver knows everything.) Another highlight: Drew making fun of diabetics before learning about — and suffering through a three-minute lecture about — Silver's diabetic son. Very fun.

April 8, 2009. Guest: Mike Florio. Length: 49:50.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 17.
Florio: 0.

That statistic is why one of the two people on that podcast works for NBC now, and the other one writes about Tony Dungy's "NO FAG HAGS" policy.

April 14, 2009. Guests: A.J. Daulerio and Will Leitch. Length: 42:29.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 19.
Daulerio: 5.
Leitch: 3.

Major topics of the Deadspin "braintrust:" Public urination, whiskey-related pants-shitting, "rub-and-tugs" and how Garfield is a fat kid's toy. I have no idea why people don't take blogs more seriously.

April 29, 2009. Guest: L. Jon Wertheim. Length: 40:46.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 6.
Wertheim: 0.

Considering Drew's total lack of interest in the subject matter (Wertheim's excellent book on MMA), I'm shocked this number was so low.

May 7, 2009. Guests: Stefan Fatsis and Richard Sandomir. Length: 39:14.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 13
Fatsis: 2.
Sandomir: 0.

Most of the "fuck"s here, quite understandably, were directed toward the decision in The Final Four Of Everything by Bill Scheft (whom I like!) to claim that Jeff Foxworthy was a more lasting and important stand-up comic than Richard Pryor.

May 12, 2009. Guest: Matt Vasgersian. Length: 46:32.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 6.
Vasgersian: 0.

My personal favorite podcast — Vasgersian might be the best broadcaster working right now — briefly segues into a discussion of Turkish genocide of Armenians, which is always a key stop for every sports comedy podcast.

May 20, 2009. Guest: Selena Roberts. Length: 44:27.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 3.
Roberts: 0.

Those still angry at Roberts for her coverage of the Duke lacrosse case found plenty to hammer her, and Drew, on in this one, but mostly, I enjoyed Roberts becoming the first of two podcast guests to say the words "I'm gay." The other was Jim Brown, of course.

May 27, 2009. Guest: Martellus Bennett. Length: 41:42.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 4.
Bennett: 0.

An extremely entertaining episode, but I have little doubt that if Jason Whitlock listened to it, his brain would explode.

June 2, 2009. Guest: Joe Posnanski. Length: 19:02.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 3.
Posnanski: 0.

Priceless exchange:

Posnanski: "I'm writing a book about the 1975 Big Red Machine."
Drew: "Is Joe Morgan going to get angry at himself for writing it?"

June 4, 2009. Guest: Justine Bateman. Length: 35:12.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 8.
Bateman: 3.

The quiet subtext behind every one of this episode's 2112 seconds: I can't believe I'm talking to Justine Bateman right now. Also, I love that Bateman appears to have conceded to this interview in hopes that Deadspin readers will make corrections to her Wikipedia page.

June 10, 2009. Guest: Dan LeBatard. Length: 49:38.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 8.
LeBatard: 3.

Hey, whatever happened to those Simmons-LeBatard "PTI"s that were supposed to run this summer?

June 18, 2009. Guest: Buzz Bissinger. Length: 1:00:11.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 7
Bissinger: 17.

Yep, you guessed right!

June 25, 2009. Guest: Jim Brown. Length: 21:38.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 0.
Brown: 0.

Drew's first (and only) "fuck"-less podcast. I could listen to Drew attempt to bring up the time Jim Brown threw his wife off a balcony on repeat all day.

July 1, 2009. Guest: Bridget Hall. Length: 42:47.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 9.
Hall: 7.

Suddenly, Drew's a Cowboys fan.

July 8, 2009. Guest: Will Leitch. Length: 43:22.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 33.
Leitch: 1.

If you had ever thought that the only reason I'm invited to be on podcasts is because Drew couldn't find any other guests and just wanted to curse a lot, you should know that yes, that's the only reason I'm ever invited to be on podcasts.

July 16, 2009. Guest: Jeff Garlin. Length: 33:28.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 5.
Garlin: 1.

The most uncomfortable interview of this entire set. Garlin won't play along and doesn't want to be there, and Drew's completely befuddled because, for some reason, he thought Garlin would just spill all the secrets about the upcoming "Curb Your Enthusiasm" season to some dude on a podcast for a Web site he'd never heard of. This left Drew with nothing to talk about, and a half hour of awkward dead air ensued. I think Drew was ready to quit the podcast after this one.

July 22, 2009. Guest: Tad Kubler. Length: 42:21.

Number Of Fucks
Drew: 6.
Kubler: 2.

Drew said he'll do anything but listen to some weird talking chick who just can't understand that we're hot soft spots on a hard rock planet. Baby, take off your beret. Everyone's a critic, and most people are DJs.

That's a total of 303 "fuck"s. (Plus a couple "BFD"s.) Hefty work. Godspeed, Mr. Drew.

I ask Tad all the tough questions, and submit him to a deadly gauntlet of asskissing, the likes of which he may never recover from. I also ask him questions from Deadspin readers, and he was nice enough to answer all of them with honesty and good humor.

Is the band working on a new album? YES!

Does he still drink? NO! Because he almost died from pancreatitis! RAWK

Do double guitars serve any other purpose than to look awesome on stage? YES!

Was the song "Slapped Actress" written to inspire Tony Parker? NO!

Is he a Packer fan? YES! FUCK HIM!

Has he ever trashed a hotel room? SEVERAL!

What the fuck is the deal with Ybor City? NO ONE KNOWS!

How does Craig Finn keep his glasses on while going bonkers on stage? HE DOESN'T! HE LOSES THEM! MAYBE HE SHOULD GET LASIK!

Does he watch True Blood strictly for the tits and ass? YES!

Does he work harder on stage than the keyboardist? FUCK AND YES!

When's the last time the band got tits flashed at them? IN NEBRASKA!

Will you, the listener, be disappointed when "Constructive Summer" fades out at the top of the podcast and a civilized conversation takes its place? YES!

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. The Hold Steady is back on the road this Friday in Jersey, along with numerous festival dates the rest of the summer, and they have gigs lined up in Alaska and Canada for the fall. Full itinerary here.

Next week, we're going to have our first annual Deadcast fantasy football draft preview with Andy Behrens of Yahoo. Got a question for us you want read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen to the story of how Ybor City almost killed us again.

PHOTO CREDIT: Photo Credit: Erica Bruce/Between Love and Like

This week's Deadcast guest is "Curb Your Enthusiasm" co-star and producer Jeff Garlin (Listen here, iTunes here, buy Jeff's standup DVD here). We talk rape! Far more than Jeff prefers!

We also hit on other, far less rapey topics as well: learning to play the drums, peeing while sitting down, pausing movies for your wife, the difficulty of doing stand-up in an non-air conditioned environment, and more.

We also, of course, talk about the show. I try to get Jeff to talk about the upcoming seventh season (premiere is September 20th), but he's not allowed to divulge anything. Instead, we get into how the show is made and why the show has the most difficult auditioning process in television. I also ask him about keeping a straight face while Susie Essman calls him a fat fuck 900 times on camera. Not an easy task. "FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR TEA."

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Jeff's new standup DVD "Young and Handsome" is available now at Amazon, and premieres on Comedy Central this fall.

Next week's tentative Deadcast guest is guitarist Tad Kubler of The Hold Steady (DOUBLE GUITARS!). Got a question for Tad you want read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I try and get blood from a stone.

I keed our former Overlord, of course. The fact of the matter is that you will probably find this the most entertaining of all Deadcasts, because talking to Leitch means we get to do plenty of what we do best: yammer on and on about pointless bullshit, stutter, and yell at each other about who cut off who. On the docket in today's episode:

• We discuss dipping tobacco for the first time at summer camp, and I offer my theory that the worldwide dipping community thinks dip in pouches is gay
• We talk about my talent for projectile vomiting. Leitch, it turns out, has only barfed twice IN HIS ENTIRE ADULTHOOD. No doubt both times were the result of a bad black and white cookie
• We talk about why it's always best to be the second most drunk person at a party, and not the most drunk
• We talk about the stunning lack of Elton John at the Jackson funeral, and the overall oddness of holding a funeral live on television.
• We talk about the insane length of the "Deer Hunter" wedding sequence
• We have a very annoying five minute discussion of whether or not Madonna's song catalog holds up as well as Jackson's does (The correct answer is that no one gives a shit)
• We talk about Simmons and whether or not we intend on reading his book, why he brings out the worst in Chuck Klosterman, and his penchant for always thinking he's the smartest asshole in sports
• We talk about Slate's new podcast. (Sample topic: "Michael Jackson: All That Well Known?")
• We talk about the McNair shooting and TheBigLead's insanely douchey coverage of it (He's got this case cracked, people! It was the chauffeur!)

Finally, we talk about the commenter upheaval and the seeming indestructibility of fucking SuperMike. Fun for all.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Got a question/comment you need read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and make fun of my fleecy vest.

She keeps a switchblade under her pillow! (Quote from her: "Don't fuck with me!")

She doesn't know the ingredients of sizzurp! Because she's white!

She doesn't pay her parking tickets and then abandons her old truck in the impound when she gets $4,000 worth of them!

She does shrooms! In tea! ("I can just shoot it down and you're like WOOO! Right away. Nice!")

She's avoided heroin even though her friends tell her it feels awesome!

She didn't like coke when she tried it!

She regretted doing acid on Halloween!

She hates Tom Brady because she's friends with Bridget Moynahan, but she still thinks he's fucking hot!

She could beat Tyra Banks in a fight!

She once hung out with Divine Brown's pimp!

She's of mixed ancestry!

She doesn't know that an Abe Lincoln is a pube beard glued on with semen!

It takes a lot of beers to get her drunk, unless that beer is Belgian!

She hates Jessica Simpson for ruining Tony Romo!

She hates sleeping in gold body paint!

IT'S LIKE I'VE KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE! We talked for nearly 45 minutes. We're very close.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Got a question/comment you need read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I flirt with a supermodel just like that Neil Strauss book taught me to.

PHOTO: SI

I didn't wear a diaper while conducting this interview, and that was a mistake. Listen to me bring up the time he was accused of throwing his girlfriend off a balcony in 1968. You can practically hear my bowels releasing as I try and phrase the question. Anyway, here's Jim Brown on a number of topics:

Did he bite a guy's finger off when he stuck it in his facemask? "No, but I did bite the hand that was trying to gouge out my eyes… the eyes are very vulnerable." I agree.

On Donte' Stallworth: "I think that he got off beautifully. I think that he's a very fortunate young man."

On Eric Mangini: "For the first time, we have a coach who will dominate the scene." Especially at local bakeries.

Did the flamethrower he used in The Running Man actually shoot flames? "Yes."

Did he keep it? "My personal desire was not to have a flamethrower."

Does he wish more black people played lacrosse? "No."

Can you ever be too old to wear a kufi? "Yep."

Does he still rollerskate like he did on CHiPs? "No."

On in-line skating: "I think the rollerblading is out now. I think it's going back to traditional skates."

Does he regret naming his childhood gang the Gaylords? "I can laugh at it with you because it's a strange name for young men to choose who are straight." That it is.

How does he respond to criticism about his personal history? "I chose to physically go to jail rather than take an assignment that was undignified to me. And so, when I voluntarily become incarcerated… then I've paid my dues."

Can I have just one rib? "Chris Rock, man."

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here (should be up shortly).

Also, Mr. Brown's PR company asked that we plug his appearance at the Sports Legends Challenge event at the Atlantis in the Bahamas on September 14th to 17th, also featuring Joe Namath (kissing booth!), Mike Ditka, Troy Aikman, Dr. J, Jerry West, Reggie Jackson, and more. Visit this site to find out more.

Got a question/comment you need read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I curl into the fetal position.

Buzz and I spend an hour covering a wide range of topics, including CostasNOW, the bankruptcy of the Philly Inquirer (where he won the Pulitzer), and more. You'll have to excuse my stammering at the beginning of the broadcast. I was thrown off by the fact that, if you listen closely, Buzz kinda sounds like David Stern without the light Jersey accent. It's uncanny, frankly. Here are some highlights:

On Artie Lange: "I think I'm off the hook."

On Peter King: "He's really good." I DISAGREE, BUZZ.

On Peter Gammons: "(He) was a wonderful reporter for Sports Illustrated, but increasingly all he does is trade in rumors that turn out to be false."

On steroid users: "They saved the game of baseball."

On Manny: "One of the stupidest blithering fucking idiots that ever existed…. I hope when he comes back, the Dodgers realize they don't need him."

On the intro to Three Nights In August: "Part of it was written, yeah, to piss (statheads) off, because they're fun to piss off, because they sort of flap their wings like the little geeky birds they are and, you know, get all indignant, and I sort of got my rocks off on that. I have to admit." YOU CAN'T PURPOSELY PISS PEOPLE OFF FOR FUN, BUZZ. ONLY I GET TO DO THAT.

To Peter Berg before he directed Friday Night Lights: "Look Pete, if you change the fucking ending of the book, and you have them win… then don't do the fucking book."

On Berg: "He did admit that in the final game against Dallas Carter, he looked for the biggest, hugest, meanest, you know, black guys he could find. And he knew they were all in their 30's and 40's. But he did that on purpose just to heighten the difference." Spike Lee's spider senses are tingling.

Was he pissed when Varsity Blues came out? "Yes."

On Leitch: "He could do a bit more reporting in his columns, he could actually TALK to someone… What really pissed me off about him the most was when he fucking knew who WC Heinz was… I'm the best thing that ever happened to him."

Buzz also pulls the David Eckstein card when talking about clutch hitting (Ken Tremendous will get you for that, Buzz), and he talks about financially supporting Boobie Miles long after Friday Night Lights was published, sometimes against his better judgment. Buzz never raises his voice to me during our conversation. Shit. Next time, I'll steal his lithium prior to recording.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Also, Buzz has written a new book with LeBron James that you can pre-order here. Got a question/comment you need read over the air next week? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Buzz explains why Moneyball pissed the shit out of him.

UPDATE: Dan Levy pointed just now that, in the course of talking about the Ibanez story, Bissinger thought the Hugging Harold Reynolds blog was Harold Reynolds' actual site. Oh, Buzz.

UPDATED UPDATE: Buzz's comment: "As it turns out I may not be a horse—-— but I am a horse's ass. I did confuse Harold Reynolds with the website/blog/etc. HuggingHaroldReynolds. When I read the original article in the Philadelphia Inquirer, I glanced over Reynold's name and wrongly assumed it was him. I am not sloppy in my writing, or at least I don't think I am, but I was sloppy here. I apologize for the error and I also apologize to Mr. Reynolds."

I talk with Le Batard about where he ranks in terms of annoying substitute PTI hosts. I argue that Michelle Tafoya was the worst, but he then trumps me with the time Dan Shaughnessy did the show with him. Oh, that's not an attractive pair. Here's how I rank the subs thru history, from acceptable to awful:

1. Whitlock
2. David Aldridge
3. Le Batard
4. JA Adande
5. Norman Chad
6. Bob Ryan
7. Rick Reilly
8. Jackie MacMullan
9. Max Kellerman
10. Stephen A. Smith
11. Jay Mariotti
12. Michele Tafoya
13. Dan Shaughnessy
14. Skip Bayless

Whatever your opinion of Simmons and his broadcasting capabilities, I don't think he'll have much trouble rocketing into the top five of that list.

I also bitch to Le Batard about his Ray Lewis testimonial in ESPN Magazine from a while back - an article that, to me, epitomized ESPN's (and ESPN Magazine's) tendency to cover athletes favorably in exchange for access. Le Batard argues, "It wasn't for me to say one way or the other whether or not I believed him," and that he was only there to present Lewis' side of the story because the other side had already been so well covered. I don't really buy that. But whatever.

More from Le Batard:

On pure journalistic integrity: "It's a utopian thing to aspire to, but it's not terribly human… I don't know where some of these lines are."

On Berman inducting Ralph Wilson into the Hall of Fame: "I don't think Chris Berman has the same ethical responsibilities that a newspaper reporter or a newspaper columnist has." (I strongly disagree with this.)

On Kornheiser in the MNF booth: "I think the idea of having a comedian up there works… but (he and Dennis Miller) both started meeting Bob Kraft, and it just changes things… Like, did you see Kimmel when he was in the booth? It was great because he didn't give a FUCK!"

On broadcasters: "I think all of it is pretty silly and masturbatory, the idea that we put broadcasters on games in general… I don't think there's one broadcaster you could put in the booth who would bring one more viewer in."

On going on PTI: "There are probably 800,000 people that shut the TV off the moment they see the utilityman is in there."

On Barkley: "Tell me if you can come up with anyone else in sports who is that opinionated and that beloved." (Barbaro? Barbaro hated Jews, you know.)

On Shaq: "(He) stabbed Stan Van Gundy in the back… He wanted Stan Van Gundy to stop making him work harder."

Was it a douche move for Michael Phelps to hang up on him? "Uh… yeah?"

He also talks about getting smacked down by Jay Bilas, and he answers delightfully obnoxious questions from you, the readers. And does he talk race? Of course he does. He's Le Batard. All in all, Le Batard is quite the good-natured fellow and makes for an excellent guest.

This week's Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here.

Next week's Deadcast guest is Buzz Bissinger. Got a question/comment you need read for Buzz over the air? Send it to me here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as we argue about the slimming qualities of the goatee.

What's that have to do with sports? Uh… I don't know. Hey, it's Friday and she was willing to come on. Who am I to quibble? Anyway, Justine and I delve into the following topics:

-The nonexistent Tom And Jerry movie she's due to star in
-The time she dated Leif Garrett after he paralyzed that one dude
-The old rumor that she was the rape victim that caused Roman Polanski to get arrested and flee the country (she wasn't)
-Her involvement in the production of this phony trailer for the remake of "Caligula" (4th one down, only works if you play it in Google search, NSFW) made by some foreign director as an art project. I have no idea how to explain that video.
-All her after school specials
-The possibility of an Arrested Development movie
-Knott's Berry Farm (you can pan for gold there!)
-The status of Judd Nelson's aliveness

And more. Is it completely random and a waste of your time? Yep. But hey, you're already at Deadspin. May as well go all out.

This Deadcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Justine also wanted to plug her production company, FM78. So there you go.

Next week's Deadcast guest is LeBatard. I think. Got a question/scathing death threat you need read for Dan over the air? Send it to me here.

Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I forget to ask Justine about the rumor she never wore underwear on the Family Ties set.

We have two Deadcasts this week. First up: a short (or should I say, FUN SIZE!) Deadcast with the great Joe Posnanski, who would like to apologize to Cleveland fans for penning this SI cover story that sealed the Cavs' eventual doom. Actually, I don't really know if Joe is sorry. But I made him read a scripted apology under threat of urineboarding, which seemed to work wonders.

Joe warned me prior to this podcast that's he very boring to talk to in person, so we spend a lot of time talking just what makes him so terribly, painfully dull. Ironically, this topic proved almost kinda not quite that interesting, which was nice. I also read Joe a selection of lesbian-themed haikus. I think it was an important topic to cover. We also talk about Joe's upcoming book on the Big Red Machine, a book Joe Morgan will almost certainly fail to read. And we talk about all the athletes that have threatened to kill Joe. Perhaps because he was boring them.

This first podcast of the week is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. And check out Posnanski's new SI.com column with Bill James here. I'm told it's very baseballey.

Friday's Deadcast guest is actress Justine Bateman. Why? Hey, why the fuck not? Got a question/love letter/restraining order you need read for Justine over the air? Send it to me here.

Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I waste away twenty perfectly good minutes with the best sportswriter in America.

I was going to ask Marty B about trying to get playing time behind Jason Witten. I was going to ask him about the Cowboys incredible collapse against Philly in Week 17. I was going to ask him if Tony Romo will always be a choker. But I didn't. Mainly I asked him about chicken and fat women. We even played a game of "Healthy Fat or Unhealthy Fat" with famous buxom women. And frankly, that sort of analysis is far more in line with my expertise.

But there's more. Oh, so much more. Some choice quotes from Marty B…

On history: "It all started with the hobos."

On working as a lifeguard: "I don't do CPR. Once I get you out of the water, you're on your own after that."

On his taste in women: "Black men… we like ASS."

On Reggie Bush's woman, Kim Kardashian: "The butt is fake… they inserted throw pillows."

On salmon: "Most black people don't even know what salmon looks like."

On his physique: "I won the azz contest… I deserve a Bowflex commercial."

On eating dog: "I had dog at a Chinese restaurant one time." (Marty B also tells the story of Filipino neighbors who once stole all the neighborhood dogs and barbecued them. THAT'S NOT VERY NEIGHBORLY.)

On Oprah: "(Oprah) got enough money where she could buy real hair… she got enough like Magic Johnson getting over AIDS. She got enough money where she could find the cure for hair growth."

On TO's lame Twitter: "TO has the lamest Twitter."

On dating: "I would go Dutch. Or French."

On dinosaurs: "WHO THE HELL KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE? NO ONE WAS AROUND! THEY MIGHTA SOUNDED LIKE DOGS."

Goddamn right, they might have. We also talk about why black people can't swim, ugly groupies, having a shark in your bedroom, Marty B's psychic abilities, and the size of the Jack in the Box drive thru menu, which really is fucking huge…

AND THAT'S JUST A SINGLE QUADRANT OF IT!

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Marty B's manager also wanted me to plug their series of social events called The Socialite, which I almost certainly would never be allowed into. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Marty B puts me on hold four times to talk to Marcus Spears. SPEARS!!!!!!!

/shakes fist

Okay, not quite. Her parents were hippie drifters who occasionally did some light hoboing. But that's good enough for me. Selena and I also talk about the criticism her book has received, particularly from Murray Chass and Jason Whitlock. Roberts believes that Whitlock's criticism of her as a "hardcore feminist" could be a not-so-subtle dig at her homosexuality.

As for Chass, Roberts defends her use of anonymous sources. She also defends what she called "the omniscient voice" she uses in the book, which states facts about A-Rod without attribution (Example from page 145: "Alex was believed to have moved from Deca to Primo (two types of steroids) during the spring"), though she says she probably could have been more specific and mentioned that various sources corroborated the information. And, as a paragon of journalistic virtue myself, I agree. FIX YO SOURCES.

She also recounts the time, during her tenure at the NYT, when Chass sent her a long-winded email castigating her for sitting in his chair. Because he's a cranky old sack of shit, you see.

I also ask Roberts about the voluminous criticism she continues to get from Duke lacrosse supporters. She argues it's her job as a columnist to take hard stances, and she accepts any criticism she gets in return. She also says she wasn't the only one to criticize the Duke program right from the outset (she's right), but that people have made her the face of the enemy.

Finally, we get into her "ban" from ESPN, and then I subject Selena to a round of stupid questions. All in all, a decent way to spend 45 minutes in your car. In the meantime, since I read the whole damn book for this interview, here are some choice quotes and factoids from "A-Rod":

Page 87 – Former Mariner teammate: "He'd put one of those self-help books in front of his locker. He wanted us to see it: Look, I'm improving myself."

Page 95 – "Alex can't stand fat people," one friend says, "he really can't be around them." (Better not introduce him to KOGOD, then.)

Page 127 – "A clubhouse attendant was required to place toothpaste on Alex's toothbrush after every game." (See, this is the last thing I'd make a lackey do. There's no easier way for your toothbrush to end up inside someone's asshole than by making them paste it for you.)

Page 142 – "He came to me after the wedding and asked, ‘What do married people do?" a former teammate recalls." (Alex, I have no fucking idea.)

Page 165 – A-Rod's pickup line to women out clubbing: "Who's hotter: me or Derek Jeter?" (Jeter! Definitely!)

Page 172 – "Alex was known to venture into Iniquity – a swinger's club in Dallas."

Page 173 - "He would use corny pickup lines on a (teammate's) wife."

Page 185 – "Some (Yankee) teammates began to privately call him Bitch Tits"

Page 196 – "He is so infatuated with (Tom) Brady that buddies would joke about their bromance" (GAH!)

Finally, A-Rod was known to recite self-help haikus to himself. I found some online. Here's one:

Analyzing my
want, I found it was wanting.
But not wanting me.

Well, that's just fucking retarded.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as I try and get Selena to make fun of Mitch Albom's ears.

PHOTO: NYMag.com

On the night Rick Sutcliffe showed up shitfaced in the booth during a Padres broadcast: "There were people out there who thought we set Rick up… and that really pissed me off."

Defending Erin Andrews from the scorn she gets from some of her peers: "That's what the role is. It's a puffy, fluffy role… It's what the role was kinda supposed to be."

On other, more egotistical broadcasters: "My father didn't work in the business. Nothing was handed to me."

On downtown St. Louis, a town he otherwise enjoys visiting despite recent dustups with the natives: "I hate downtown St. Louis… build a friggin' convenience store." (Yeah, fuckos! There is nowhere to get a fucking Corn Nut in that shithole.)

There's way more. Vasgersian talks about his days at the XFL, his brief stint as a child actor, why Whitlock's "absolution" for his Donovan McNabb gaffe annoyed him, the right way to show hot chicks on camera, and shitloads of other good stuff.

I know the Deadcast, up to this point, has been a work in progress. But I think, this time, we've got a solidly entertaining product for you from start to finish, in no small part because Vasgersian makes for such enthusiastic, excellent company. My thanks to him for coming on and letting it all hang out.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as we bitch about the Turks.

Sandomir is the co-editor of the new book, The Final Four Of Everything, which uses college brackets to debate shit in history, pop culture, and what not. No hot chick bracket, though. Which I find odd, given that 95% of all online mock brackets are "Who would you do?" brackets. But I guess the Times is just too classy for that sort of thing. Or perhaps too gay. Perhaps both.

The book features bracket contributions from me, Sandomir, Fatsis, Leitch, and a host of others. I did Cereals, with Crunch Berries winning. My wife thinks I'm an asshole for not having Cinnamon Toast Crunch win. WELL, WRITE YOUR OWN BRACKET, MISSY. Leitch did 21st Century Sports Books, with Moneyball winning. And Fatsis did a handful of brackets, including Acronyms, with AIDS winning. YAY, AIDS!

I had a serious issue with some of the brackets in this book that I bring up with Sandomir, including a Seductive Foreign Accent bracket where the fucking Canadian accent made the finals. A fucking Canadian accent? Are you kidding? Who the fuck has a Canadian accent fetish? (Sorry. Spud.) I also take issue with the Comedy Routines bracket penned by Bill Scheft. Know what Scheft said was the best Comedy Routine of all time? Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck" routine. Foxworthy beat out Sam Kinison, Chris Rock, and Richard Pryor for the "honor". Seriously, fuck Bill Scheft.

We also talk about license plates, Phylicia Rashad's MILFiness, national anthem replacements, and more. Sandomir also confesses to being an "amateur celebrity impressionist". A man of many hats, that Sandomir.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email for me or next week's guest (Matt Vasgersian) you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and quickly come to the conclusion that Fatsis is a far better radio host than I am.

The first one is a story from his recent, excellent book on the UFC, "Blood In The Cage," regarding an old judo master who made Steven Seagal poop himself. Nice.

The second story involves Rasheed Wallace back in his days playing for the Trail Blazers. Early in Wallace's career, he was involved in a nasty child custody battle with his baby mama. That woman ended up kidnapping Wallace's son. Wertheim, working for SI, was sent to Portland to cover the story of the kidnapping. Wallace agreed to cooperate with the story as a way of raising awareness of his son's disappearance. (He had, in fact, gone on live TV to ask people to help in the return of his son).

But when Wertheim got to Portland, Wallace told him that, before anything, he had to go out bowling that night with Gary Trent and Isaiah Rider. So Wertheim, in his rental car, followed the three players in their SUV as they made their way to the alley. Only they couldn't find the alley, so the three players then decided to stop the car RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET while they tried to sort out where the alley was.

One motorist honked at the players to get moving. In response, Rider proceeded to hock a loogie on the motorist's windshield.

Oh, Isaiah. Don't you ever change. Wallace eventually found his son and gained full custody. Not before bowling a 132, one would assume.

Wertheim and I also discuss how Dana White's online tirade against reporter Loretta Hunt affects the UFC, amateur MMA night at rural strip clubs, the future of Sports Illustrated, his new book on Federer/Nadal, and lots more.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email for me or next week's guest (Stefan Fatsis) you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen to Jon's loogie story.

This week, Leitch and Daulerio join me for our first ever three-man Deadcast. We talk about Daulerio's surprising enjoyment of Phish's music, his habit of pissing in elevators (which I also confess to having done), and we submit AJ to the second ever Deadspin polygraph test. SCANDALOUS.

We also talk about Cutlerfucker banging Julia Allison, and the time AJ tried to get Gawker exec Lockhart Steele to also bang her. We also talk about the fallout from posting Schrutebag's phone number online, the fucking impossible task that was getting past the first level of "Dragon's Lair", Puerto Rican moustaches, gonzo porn star accessories, a young Daulerio's trip to the rub'n'tug, Harry Kalas, one-star Amazon reviews, and the fucking pussies online who talked about crying merely from watching the "Where The Wild Things Are" trailer.

I also confess to owning a rather sizable collection of Garfield plush toys as a child. Daulerio's reaction: "That's such a fat kid toy." So true, good sir. So very true.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Also, my new Penthouse column for this month can be found here (SFW site, possible NSFW URL). Now sit back, relax, and listen as Daulerio tears "The Velveteen Rabbit" a new asshole.

Yes, it's Pro Football Talk editor and the original inspiration behind the Great Moments In Sports Poop History series, Mike Florio.

I talk with Florio about the genesis of his site and the Internet contributions of bored lawyers the world over, why working at home turns everyone into Jack Torrance at some point, Florio's self-published football sci-fi novel (He never told me the title of it. I bet "OUR QUARTERBACK IS A CYBORG!" is a close guess), and why the NFL needs to institute corporal punishment.

From there, we move onto the Cutler deal and how Bus Cook ended up stealing the "NFL's #1 douchebag agent" title from Drew Rosenhaus, the Seahawks' sudden urge to draft a QB, how the draftee evaluation process is designed to make prospects eventually fuck up, the intimidating nature of letterhead, and why the bloated rookie salary scale is hurting the entertainment value of the Draft.

And of course, we discuss Terry Bradshaw's unfortunate nondeath. It's 50 minutes that might actually end up entertaining you. I even learn halfway through to NOT step on every goddamn word the guest says. Miraculous.

This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and allow me to penetrate your ears with my girthy vibrato.