The Holy Cross tattoo is always a good icebreaker

The Hurricane O'Reilly's staff [Boston signing] weren't allowing Simmons available for pictures while he was about to leave but we told the bouncer my girlfriend went to Holy Cross (which she did), and has a Holy Cross tattoo on her back (which she does), and he agreed to take a picture with her after he showed her the tattoo. He's a really nice guy.

Why could possibly be frightening about a guy who asks you sign his meat?

Casey Stengel once said "I love signing autographs. I'll sign anything except veal cutlets. My ballpoint pen slips on veal cutlets."

Despite being a yankee fan, I gave Simmons the opportunity to one-up the yankee legend, in NYC, during a yankee world series. Simmons obliged and signed(/attempted to), despite being very confused (and seemingly a little frightened). The guy really is fan-friendly.

*Consolation to Stengel: Simmons did have the advantage of using a sharpie

Glad we could help

Last night I was at the book signing, and before I left I printed out the "Biggest Loser-Jeter" pic from yesterday to bring to the bar.

When I went up to get it signed by him, Jack-O looked over and commented "That was on Deadspin today", Bill proceeded to sign it along with my book. Photo of the signed photo attached.

-Yosef Feldstein

Sports Guy Supports The Troops

Just a quick note about Simmons. My Dad went to the signing today at the Prudential in Boston and waited in line for over an hour. There were over a thousand people there and the line was very strict: book cover folded back with the book open to a certain page and a sticky note on that page with your name. However, when my Dad went up to Simmons and told him that I was in the military and currently deployed to the middle east Simmons took the time to talk to my Dad for a few minutes, shake his hand, and write a full note in the book for me.

I'm Boston born and bred and been reading Simmons since back in 99, so it was great to hear that he is still true to his fans, and appreciative towards the military.

Anyways, with all of the posts about Simmons on deadspin the past few weeks I think that was something that had to be shared.

Regards,
Nick Soughley, SrA, USAF

Do you actually know how long a mile is?

The line wrapped around the block by ESPN zone. [Chicago] I think were about 200 in an hour before the signing starts.

The signing has started and the line is now over a mile long with more people coming.

Both bill and his dad spacing away.

These things are always much better when no one shows up

I'm a long time reader, first time emailer. I felt compelled enough to email you guys about how crappy the Simmons book signing was at the ESPN Zone in Chicago. First of all the people at the ESPN Zone acted like they were airport security, i.e. they were huge douchebags. I read in one of his columns or whatever that he would write pretty much whatever you wanted in your book. However, some lady asked people in line what your name was and put it on a post-it in your book so he could sign your name. She asked if you wanted him to put Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday in it. Um, how about neither? The guy in front of me asked someone who worked there if we could take a picture with the Sports Guy and she said we could take a picture OF him signing our book. Oh boy. His dad was there too. I sat by him at the bar for like 5 seconds before he got up. I thought maybe I could wait til after to take a picture with Bill but the line was too long and I left. In short, it sucked.

Clint

Wow, this is even more boring that actually waiting in a long line

Chicago Loves Bill Simmons and The Book of Basketball [In Game Now]

You know the other guy didn't actually write any of it, don't you?

Waited on line at the Simmons book signing [New York] last night. Got online at 6:30pm and the line was already around 13th St. Once we made it around the corner and to the front door of the bar and the Ving Rhames looking bouncer told me "Ya know, if the fire marshal comes by here we're fucked. We're way over capacity." Once inside it was "asshole to elbow" for about 90 minutes until we got our numbers called to head up and meet the Sports Guy himself. At the time I got up there (maybe 9:30ish) he looked like he was starting to tire although he was greeted by a hot blonde that he seemed to know personally (wonder if the sports gal knows about her). For the brief moment that I was up there he was very nice, wrote what I asked and shook my hand. Also had Jack-O sign the book which was cool. Anyway, all in all it was a good night (except for the Yankees losing) but the bar handled the crowd like shit! Will never walk into that place again.

But "The Colbert Report" appearance was his "Achtung, Baby"

Can you please do something about Bill Simmons' rampant expansion?!?!?!

His latest video piece with Kenny Mayne was either his "jump the shark" moment or his "Rattle & Hum." Or, maybe, that's redundant.

Please, help put a stop to his neverending tentacles. Columns and podcasts are enough. And, I'll grant him a good book every once in a while. But he's becoming the media equivalent of banks and Starbucks...one on every corner. ENOUGH!

T. Reilly

Tears, anger, underage drinking. Last night apparently had it all. Pictures and stories from the front lines ahead. Everything [sic] of course.

[Top photo from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder"]
[Tweets via The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen]

7:02 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder":

"The line for the bill simmons signing at professor thom's is absurdly long. Lots of people hoping that they are selling books at a bar."

9:22 p.m. from Joe M. From Brooklyn:

"i am happy to say, without any reason to lie, that i have the FIRST book bill simmons singed in the entire NYC!!!

It was tough to get it but i did, i was 10th online and wasnt allowed in the bar because i was underage, but i did not let that stop me! Thanks to Bill's publicist she told bill he should sign my book (and a couple of other underage fans) right inside the bar before he actually walked in! it was amazing, there were hundrands of ppl and i was out of there by 7:15!!

I got him to write "this is ourrrrrrrrr country"! Havent put the book down since i got it!!

Love you bill!"

10:44 p.m. from Phil, aka "Peter Cavan":

"Subject: I met Bill Simmons!!

Ok, not really, since I didn't get to shake his hand. But he did sign his book for me.

I got to Professor Thom's at 6:45 pm and the line was already around the corner and down the block. They handed out wristbands around 7 and told us that if we already had the book we could go inside the bar. I didn't have the book yet as I hadn't decided until 5 today that I was going to the signing. So I waited in line with a few other Deadspin readers and several hundred strangers. The line behind me continued to grow until it reached 3rd Avenue.

By 8 pm we had turned the corner and could see the WS game through the windows of the lounge next door. At 8:30 I was inside the bar. That's when we learned how they were running the signing. They called us up in blocks of 20 based on the numbers on our wristbands. My number was 5872 and they had just reached 5700. It took about 10 minutes per block of numbers so I figured I had about another 90 minutes to wait. The bar was ridiculously crowded. People were pressing in from outside, people with signed copies were trying to get out, and many, many people were sitting at the bar watching the game. Surprisingly, the mood wasn't all that bad. I got to meet CPSL as he and his girlfriend were leaving. Around 9 pm they told us that if our numbers hadn't been called yet we should wait outside, so I went around to 14th St, got a sandwich and came back about 20 minutes later. At 9:45 I went back into the bar and bought my copy of the book from the Borders staff working at the back. A few minutes later and it was my turn to meet the man himself.

The signing itself happened so fast I hardly had time to think about it. They had Simmons and a few other guys sitting at a table at the back beneath a large TV. One of the guys looked like Jack-O. Simmons was standing up and signing a book for someone who seemed like one of his friends (based on the conversation that was wrapping up). He was taller and thinner than I expected. He sat down again and I stepped up to the table. He said hello and I thanked him for taking the time to sign for all these people. Then I told him I'm not really an NBA fan but that maybe I'd become one after reading the book. He said he thought I'd like it. He handed me my book and I made a quick exit from the bar.

My legs are tired from standing, I'm $23 poorer and I missed half the WS game. And I suppose I have to read the book now. On the other hand, I did get to eat a great sandwich from Thai Me Up. So I got that going for me. All in all, not a bad night."

11:22 p.m. from "Taish":

"I wore my Knicks Starbury jersey and Simmons let out a big laugh when he saw me wearing it. I was one of the first 30 people to get mine signed but I heard he stayed for 4 hours until everyone had a chance to get a signature. He even signed books outside of the bar for those who weren't 21 and couldnt get in. He's a good guy."

11:37 p.m. from Jeremy C.:

"I'm a Cubs fan (was wearing a Cubs jacket) and had the Sports Fella sign my book thusly (calling back his post '04 column to Cubs fans). The line / bar situation was a bit fubar, but once things got rolling, he got through 20 people every 9-10 minutes."

11:42 p.m. from David Matthews, aka "Cecil's Wielder" (again):

"After a three hour wait, a bouncer that looked a lot like ving rhames, several smoke breaks and chickening out on having simmons inscribe "avoid the clap" I finally got Jacko to sign a copy of a book right before the Phils broke things open in the 8th. What a magical night."

Fin.

The person who originally submitted the picture of this fight at Ford Field on Sunday, seemed to think that these two jokers were together and that the bare ass was just some jocularity that got out of hand. Not so, according to "Rick," the "Henry Rollins lookalike" turned Ford Field enforcer who wrote in last night to explain himself. (All emails sic'd of course.)

Hey guys how are you, the guy laying down the smack down on this drugg fool is me, he was touching my buddys wife, so I had to grab him and put him to sleep, you said you didnt want o come talk or take pics of me, Im not crazy, im cool,mi was just pissed off at his jerk is all. I went on wrif,drew and mike [Ed note: That's a morning radio show in Detroit.] had a blast, so if you want anymore or talk email me thanks guys Rick

After acknowledging his message, another response:

thanks buddy, we have been having a blast with this, and the guy was unknown, no one knew of him, he was acting like a fool from the begging and no one would do or say anything, but I did. the nurses there said he had no pulse and was purple, they went on wrif as well and was calling me out and saying i was wrong and could have killed him, i was just protecting my friends. Rick

But what happened to the pants?

honestly im not real sure, if you look at he pics I had my eyes on him, the only thing we came up with was when I grab him over his seat into the next seats, they got caught on the seats, it makes sense I guess,but I was too busy watching him, he was also on drugs nor drinking, he was way strong for a smaller frame guy, he was tall, but not real big, but moved like a fish out of water, alot of people ate this up as they said I like guys with their pants down,lol whatever, Im just me, helping out my buddys, but being a fighter,if you give a guy like this time to react, something bad will happen, thats why I took him right down and choked him until he passed out.

And one final discussion of the fallout.

whatever you see fit, you got the truth and what took place, Im getting some shit from some jerks on my facebook, god some people, you get a little bit of air play and people act like kids in school, there is few guys who want some of the photos autograph, its all fun. so write what you think, its your page, I will just follow up, do me good bro. rick

So there you go, people. It sounds like Rick did the right thing here, so stop harassing him on Facebook. (Of course, if The Assman has a different take on the situation, we'll be happy to print that as well.) Unfortunately "The Case of the Missing Drawers" may remain a mystery forever.

We refer, of course, to the sweat pants in which Plaxico had supposedly secreted his Glock the night he capped himself in the thigh. Everyone had a chuckle over the sweat pants. This site did. Jon Stewart did. Patton Oswalt did. Gun play isn't funny, but sweat pants certainly are. And sweat pants in a strip club are very funny.

Last month, however, in an interview with ESPN's Jeremy Schaap, Plaxico took great pains to clarify that he was wearing jeans — black jeans — the night of the shooting. Earlier, the New York County District Attorney's Office had quietly come to the same conclusion:

BURRESS was carrying the pistol in the waistband of his jeans, with bullets in the magazine, a round in the chamber and no holster.

So why did we mistakenly believe he was wearing sweat pants? Whence came the sweat pants? Who put sweat pants on Plaxico Burress?

The earliest citation is a Dec. 1, 2008, New York Post story, authored by Murray Weiss, Larry Celona and Eric Lenkowitz, headlined, "PLAX BID TO KEEP HIS SHOT IN THE DARK." It is an otherwise fine piece of reportage that notes the following:

The players had arrived at the Latin Quarter at around midnight Saturday, and all walked through metal detectors - at which point, Burress informed security he had a gun.

He was then pulled aside and frisked, revealing a handgun tucked in the waistband of his sweatpants, sources said.

And who might those sources be? We e-mailed Celona, who replied:

Originally a detective said he was wearing sweats.

It was bad enough that Plaxico Burress faced felony charges and the probable end of his NFL career. But for the cops to turn him into both a poster boy for illegal gun possession and a national fashion don't? That is a bridge too far. I-Team's conclusion: Plax was railroaded.

Today's story:

"Who among us has not wondered what it would be like to spend a day in the shoes of ESPN The Magazine's editor in chief? Well, this week, one lucky fan got that chance — and it only cost him a couple thousand dollars for charity. The fan won the right to shadow Belsky for an entire day, attending editorial meetings, rubbing shoulders with senior staff members and even sitting in on The Mag's satellite radio show Belsky co-hosts with ESPN publishing honcho Gary Hoenig. No word as to whether Gary's new friend plans on returning the favor by showing Belsky the ins and outs of his noble trade. He's a gynecologist."

Be sure to tune into the next exciting installment of "From The Desk Of Gary Belsky"! Want to tell us a story? E-mail us at tips@deadspin.com.

Gone is any mention of Josh Levin's groundbreaking research into Rick Reilly's taste for dental yuks, and, as everyone knows, Rick Reilly without the dental yuks is like Gallagher without the melons. Nonetheless, one helpful but censorious Wikipedian saw fit to scrub the reference. Hmmm. Is someone protecting Rick Reilly, 11-time sportswriter of the year, from the barbs of the Internet?

First, here's how the entry read as of Monday:



And here's how it reads now:

As you can see here, the user responsible for this edit, as well as a series of innocuous changes, is someone called "Zim924," who, to judge by past contributions, takes a keen interest in Hoda Kotb, an assortment of sports personalities and the film work of Marlon Wayans. The latter, Zim924 helpfully informs us, "is currently in 'G.I. Joe.'"

Who might this helpful but censorious Zim924 be? Could it be the same Zim924 as the Zim924 on Twitter, a fellow by the name of Mark Zimmerman? Why, yes. Yes, it could be:

And could this helpful but censorious Mark Zimmerman be the same Mark Zimmerman who works at Headline Media Management, a "talent representation firm"? Why, yes. Yes, it could be.

This afternoon, we called up Mark Zimmerman, aka Zim924, a very kind man who assured us several times that he enjoyed our web site and who confirmed that Reilly is indeed a client of Headline Media Management (and has been since before Zimmerman joined the firm in 2007). "Nicest man you'll ever meet," Zimmerman said of Reilly.

We asked if he had made certain edits to Reilly's Wikipedia profile. He didn't hesitate. "Yes, sir," he said. "I just added that he's newly married and updated his book stuff."

We pointed out that a revision comparison clearly indicates his handiwork in the dental reference's removal. He denied it.

"No, sir," Zimmerman said. "Hand to God. I never saw that reference."

We e-mailed him the comparisons. He soon phoned us back and reiterated his denial. "I personally did not delete it," he said (italics ours, just to be pricks about it).

"Seems pretty innocent to me," Zimmerman added. "I can put it back if anyone is upset about it."

Rick Reilly [Wikipedia]

First, here's how reporter Todd Archer describes the drill, apparently a favorite of Cowboys strength and conditioning coach Joe Juraszek:

So every other day during training camp the quarterbacks go through the rigorous four-circuit workout after practice. They flip the 300-pound tire one way, use a two-footed jump to get in and out, then flip it back. They do that eight times. They raise the 50-pound blue bag over their head eight times. They jump rope and hop on the soft black mat for 20 seconds. They do each turn four times before heading to the shower.

Fascinating. And this drill's name? Well, Todd would tell you, I'm sure, but Todd doesn't want to offend your delicate sensibilities.

The name of the drill cannot be mentioned in a family newspaper or on the Internet, but it has to do with, um, maturation.

The idiotic tendency of the media toward self-censorship has been well-documented elsewhere. This one in particular is a good example of how, in protecting readers from naughty language, a newspaper merely winds up inspiring even naughtier thoughts. "Um, maturation"? Is that a pun? Are we meant to think "masturbation"? Or is this really about puberty? Or, um, both? WHY IS THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS SPREADING FILTH ABOUT MASTURBATING PRE-TEEN COWBOYS?

We e-mailed Todd for some answers. First, we asked for the name of the drill. Todd's reply:

Sorry. Not gonna happen.

We pressed again. Todd demurred again.

[W]hy would I tell you something that was told to me by someone on the team? There's a trust level there that I won't break. Sorry.

Thwarted, we instead turned to the Cowboys themselves. We explained the situation to someone in the media relations department. "Hold on," we were told. A faint rustling could be heard, some muffled conversation. And then:

"We do not have the name of the drill."

Don't have or don't know?

"Don't know."

We asked another Cowboys reporter if the name was too hot for even the Internet. He e-mailed:

Not too hot for Internet. Just too hot for dallasnews.com. Tame by Deadspin standards.

We asked for the name. He replied:

It's Archer's story, so i'll leave it up to him. Trust me ... It's no big deal.

Oh, but it is. If anyone out there is familiar with a tire-flipping drill that may or may not have been named for the wanking habits of American pre-teens, please tell us. (Or perhaps you would like to suggest your own in the comments below.) The truth will out. And of those censorious types who would thwart us, we can say only this: They are all, um, jerkoffs.

Conditioning drills keep Dallas Cowboys QBs on their toes [Dallas Morning News]

my friend and i from uga were just talking about this the other night. stafford... took [his girlfriend] and a whole bunch of friends from highland park to the bahamas for the 4th.

Lions QB Matt Stafford ...is in Lake St. Clair Michigan.

Pics came from "Cocktail Cove" on Lake Lanier in Georgia. It's about 30 minutes north of Atlanta. Someone I knew from school was photographed with him in the identical shades / trunks over July 4th weekend and went straight to Facebook with pride (presumably barking while uploading).

Judging by the photo, I'm pretty sure they're at Cedar Creek Lake, a large body of water about 45 minutes east of Dallas where affluent Highland Park locals purchase opulent lakehouses and allow their children to drink from the ubiquitous Red Cup. Stafford's been back in Dallas this summer, they had a place down there in high school, it stands to reason. It's not a lock and it's utterly boring, but what the hell do you want from me?

Four tips, four different guesses. Maybe Stafford was in all of those places. Or none. It's a mystery!

Today's story:

"GB [Gary Belsky], not in line for dinner but in vicinity, handed a cupcake to a woman in line who audibly proclaimed her hunger for one. And while he was getting fruit, another woman came to the place where you get fruit, and he served her first."

Be sure to tune into the next exciting installment of "From The Desk Of Gary Belsky"! Want to tell us a story? E-mail us at tips@deadspin.com.

This isn't an easy question to answer. Video of the derby is hard to come by, and transcripts don't seem to exist. We decided to estimate. Our method: Berman's call varies, obviously, but both Wikipedia and IMDB render it as "back, back, back, back," i.e., four "backs" per home run. He has called the derby since 1998 — this year's will be his 12th — and in that span a total of 912 derby home runs have been hit; if each one warranted a "back, back, back, back," Berman would've said the word "back" 3,648 times.

Doubtful, but let's say instead that every third home run earns a "back, back, back, back." Maybe that's still overgenerous, but remember that this doesn't include the premature "back, back, back, back"s wherein the ball falls sadly shy of the fences. Nor does it include the long, looping home runs that deserve perhaps a fifth and maybe even a sixth "back." Our total, then: 1,216 "backs," or nearly 110.5 "backs" per year. This is a lot of "backs." This is more than four times as many "backs" as there are words in the Gettysburg Address.

In other realms of entertainment, scientists have addressed the relationship between repetition and likability. We defer here to the work of one Philip A. Russell, of the psychology department at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland. He has written an insightful paper about popular music recordings in which he concludes that "repetition increases familiarity but has little effect on likeability" and suggests listeners may possess "a self-regulating mechanism which decreases exposure once likeability begins to decline." This mechanism is known commonly as the mute button.

Today's story:

"the big boss [Belsky] just pooped and then washed his hands for less than half a second. 95% sure no soap was involved."

Be sure to tune into the next exciting installment of "From The Desk Of Gary Belsky"! Want to tell us a story? E-mail us at tips@deadspin.com.