Ozzie Guillen And His Inflatable Fans

• Inflatable groupies.
• A-Rod, cool under pressure. Totally.
• Flomax!
• Tim Tebow, a cut above.
• A kid that is now somewhat less smelly.
• The horse revolution.
• Mindy McCready, not selling albums.
• Look what two motorcycle crashes can produce.
• Jamie Moyer has a friend in baseball schedules.
• That Barkley sure is honest.
• Watch out for more Marvin Harrison news.

All right, that's it for us. We're going to enjoy the Cardinals-Brewers tonight and tomorrow — thanks to everyone who came last night — and let Mr. Christmas Ape drive this train. Hug your moms, and we'll see you Monday.

Snakes. Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?

You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, we've got nothing better to do.

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Braylon Edwards Does Not, In Fact, Blog

• Hey, What'd we miss? Oh, yeah. That.
• Oh, and nobody had a better take than Daulerio.
• John Daly, shirtless.
• Jeff Reed. Two words, so much meaning.
• Careful, Coach Weis.
• Pat Jordan is a badass.
• Roger Clemens should not be allowed around early teens. Nor should Karl Malone, for that matter.
• The balls of Lou Piniella.

Well, this would be a week we would classify as "eventful." Mr. Unsilent Majority will be your weekend top dog. Now, if you'll excuse, we are going to sleep like the dead all weekend ... and turn our phone off.

Show Us All The Blueprints

If you let him testify at that hearing, the whole world will see what he's become. They should remember him for what he was.

We'll have him dragged here to Washington. We want to see the whites of his lies.

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Now You See T.O., Now You Don't

• Terrell Owens, vanishing from porn films.
• Santonio Holmes is packing some heat.
• Butterfingers for a Red Sox fan.
• Jeff Passan and Terry Pettis.
• Topless ladies (kinda) at Rockies games.
• It's Jeff Reed night.
• Yankees-Red Sox fight!
• As spirited a defense of the NFL Draft as we could imagine.
• Pacman in Dallas.

Hey, it's NFL Draft weekend. Christmas Tunison will be your weekend editor, with Mike Tanier from Football Outsiders providing an assist. We're going to spend the weekend figuring out how Buzz Bissinger could kill us. We'll see you Monday.

Our Breasts Can Always Tell When It's Going To Rain

If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that we're not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told us hoops earrings were her thing and we weren't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh our parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and we had to pretend like we didn't even like them and ... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! We never told anybody that because we are such a good friend!

Ok, so we're all here 'cause of this book, right? Well, we don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.

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Goodbye To All That

• We miss Isiah, already.
• No more primates at the Washington Post.
• Good night, Lima.
• NFL schedule is out.
• The end of Harold Reynolds' lawsuit against ESPN.
• Carmelo is very sorry.
• Lots of discussions on Bill Simmons. But no Barack Obama for him.
• Will Clark, charming.
• One Nutty Buddy.
• Tiger Woods did not win The Masters.

OK, your weekend editor is Matt Sussman, everyone. We're gonna enjoy some sunshine this weekend, hope our hometown isn't hit by any more earthquakes and watch some playoffs. You should do the same. See you Monday.

Nothing Happened The Way It Was Supposed To Happen

All right, let us tell you about your "God's plan." Six billion people on Earth when the infection hit. KV had a ninety-percent kill rate, that's five point four billion people dead. Crashed and bled out. Dead. Less than one-percent immunity. That left twelve million healthy people, like you, us, and Ethan. The other five hundred and eighty-eight million turned into your dark seekers, and then they got hungry and they killed and fed on everybody. Everybody! Every *single* person that you or we have ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!

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The Week We Lost A Steely McBeam

• Congratulations ... sigh ... to Bill Self.
• Buckner, Fenway, heartwarming, kind of, not really.
• Gen. Petraeus on the Wii.
• This is a very specific personalized jersey.
• Rick Astley and Shea Stadium.
• Roy Williams, and Hooters.
• Steely McDrunky.
• Pat Summitt is awesome.
• All right, everybody, let's protest ... hey ... where's the Torch?
• Drew on blogs.
• Daulerio on Kenny Mayne.
• Lance Allred could use some media training.
• Jose Canseco has a new lawyer.
• Lookin' good, Jake.

All right, we're taking this horse into the barn for the weekend. (Or something.) Unsilent Majority is your weekend honcho. We'll be back Monday; be safe out there.

At Least He's Not Out Taking Illegal Drugs Or Making Some Woman Miserable

When we were — what was it — about five or six? - we were sexually attracted to Bugs Bunny. And we - we cut out this Bugs Bunny off the cover of a comic book and carried it around with us. Carried it around in our pocket and took it out and looked at it periodically, and — and it got all wrinkled up from handling it so much that we asked our mother to iron it on the ironing board to flatten it out, and — and she did, and we were deeply disappointed 'cause it got all brown when she ironed it, and brittle, and crumbled apart.

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Matt Leinart Suddenly Dirty

• Opening Day!
• President Bush would have been a better commissioner.
• Look: Daulerio works here now.
• Matt Leinart once, and Matt Leinart twice.
• Andy Roddick, doing OK for himself.
• We miss Davidson already.
• Stuart Scott on the microphone.
• Joel Zumaya, bringing rock.
• Larry King really, really wants his kid to win.
• How to avoid a DUI.
• Goodbye, Chris Henry.
• Davidson's blue balls. Oh, and Stephen Curry's mom.
• Steve Lyons' questionable litigation.
• Rick Reilly, on and on.

It's nice having Daulerio around, isn't it? Matt Sussman will take you through the Final Four this weekend, and we'll be back on Monday. See you then.

We Cannot Defend Freedom Abroad By Deserting It At Home

There's no news, boys, so go out there and make some news. Rob a bank, mug an old lady, whatever - just do something.

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, we can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck.

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Someone Should Have Canseco Throw Out The First Pitch Somewhere

• A busy week for Joe Lavin. Oh, and for Jose Canseco. Not that you really cared.
• Pat Jordan!
• Don't make Isiah go away.
• That might have been a foul.
• Drew was certainly on his game this week.
• Blit Meat!
• The Emo UCLA Fan.
• The Red Sox, A's split in Japan.
• Please make Jay Mariotti feel better about himself.
• Yeah, Davidson!

That'll do it for us. Enjoy Christmas Ape and the weekend of NCAA business. (And don't forget that wild Red Sox-Dodgers exhibition at the LA Coliseum tonight.) We'll be back Monday ... when it's Opening Day! Wee! See ya then ...

Why Don't You Just Kill Us?

You shouldn't forget the importance of entertainment.

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• Eliot Spitzer and David Hirshey, soccer pals.
• Our new "pal," Bob Costas.
• Apparently, some folks aren't happy with ESPN.
• Kige Ramsey, charity hero. (Oh, and no bids yet.)
• Mark Cuban remains the only blogger allowed in the Mavs' locker room.
• Hey, the brackets came out.
• We had a few game previews.
• Onions!
• The perfect bracket will never happen.
• We are headed to Milwaukee!
• Willie Mays nude!
• So close, Belmont.

All right, that's enough for us. Have a hoppy Easter, if you're into that type of thing. Unsilent Majority will take you through the second round of the tourney, and we'll be back with you Monday. Be safe out there.

All Our Mother Does Is Work. That's How You Get To Be Spanish.

No telling yet if there's been a crime, but this country's seen a fair amount of disagreements over the years.

Buddy Deeds said a thing, he damn well backed it up. Never be another one like him. You know, that boy of his can't cut it. You ask us, he's all hat and no cattle.

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The Final Hours Before Selection Sunday

• A grand anniversary.
• Tommy Bowden, not always so nice.
• Welcome back, Battlebots.
• When sleds attack.
• Mark Cuban has all kinds of confusing rules.
• Man, Felix Pie.
• Hey, UNC beat Duke.
• Enjoying Billy Crystal. For once.
• Daulerio returns. (With Bill Conlin!)
• Oh, Bob, Bob, Bob.

Next week's gonna be a crazy one, so we're gonna try to rest up while we can. Mr. Matt Sussman is your weekend top dog, and the Storming The Floor guys will check in from time to time too. And hey: Sunday, we get brackets! Sweet! See you Monday. (Or Sunday night.)

Did You Drink And Dial?

Listen, man. You're our friend, and we know you care about us. And we know you disapprove, and we respect that. But there are some things that we have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine ... but you don't understand our plight.

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