Johnson got the bags back, but empty. Missing was about $200, some credit cards, his identification and poo-poo undies. Bell, however, claims innocence. (Said in Eddie Murphy voice): "Is there a problem, officers?"

Reached by phone, Bell told the Free Press that it was a big misunderstanding. He said defensive end Victor DeGrate, whom the Lions released Saturday, asked him to pick up his bags for him. He picked them up in the computer area of the locker room and took them to a female friend of DeGrate’s. He said he never opened the bags, did not have anything of Johnson’s and asked Johnson if there was anything he could do to clear his name. “I ain’t no thief,” Bell said. “I ain’t never been one, and I ain’t never going to be one.

“I tried to talk to Rudi yesterday, but he was pretty upset, so I let it go,” Bell said. “I come to find out the bags weren’t whose I thought they was. It was just an honest mistake.”

I know; that kind of thing happens to me every day. Johnson says he doesn't believe Bell, but he's not pressing charges.

Aside from having a more confusing plot than Syriana, this story is interesting fodder for any teams who may have been thinking about signing Bell, who is now a free agent. Downside: May be a luggage thief. Upside: Carried bags all the way uptown without dropping them.

Bell: 'I Ain't No Thief;' Lions' Johnson Won't Press Charges [Detroit Free Press]

Millen and Johnson searched to no avail, and then thought to check the in-house surveillance camera tape. And the grainy footage revealed that the culprit was none other than Tatum Bell, the man whom Johnson was replacing. Bell was released by the Lions, and evidently figured that he'd take Johnson's luggage as a lovely parting gift.

Per the source, Bell took the bags to the house of a female acquaintance. When confronted on the matter, Bell offered up some cockamamie story that he thought the bags belonged to someone he knew. The girl, however, said that she hadn’t seen Bell in several months and he showed up out of the blue and asked her to keep the bags for a while. Johnson has retrieved the bags, and it’s our understanding that charges won’t be pressed.

This kind of thing never happened with Johnson's previous team. Bengals players will pull a lot of illegal shenanigans, but even they won't stoop to stealing your shirts and underwear.

Rudi's Crazy Day In Detroit [Pro Football Talk]

This year, the previews will be a little shorter, but will hopefully give us enough of a taste so that, come fall, we'll all be officially sick of previews.

Today: The perpetually craptacular Detroit Lions. Your author is Craig Barker.

Craig Barker is one of the co-authors of The Hoover Street Rag, which covers University of Michigan athletics. He's writing this preview because he believes that the Lions on Sunday are the penance he pays for watching Michigan on Saturdays.

His words are after the jump.

From time to time in my life, I've wondered what it would be like to see the Detroit Lions go in to a season as a popular media pick to win the NFC. Not even the Super Bowl, mind you, just winning the NFC and having a shot in the game. I've been through the nerve-wracking high drama Finals moments with my teams before, so it's not a completely foreign feeling, but with the Lions, I don't even know where to begin thinking about what it would be like.

Then again, from time to time, I ponder the end of the world, and what that would be like. So, I'm probably not your best bet for considering the whole spectrum of idle pondering.

Every year about this time, I watch as my fellow Lions fans ramp up their hope level, in spite of pesky things like logic, facts, and statistical analysis. This is going to be the year, they just know it, a break here, a bounce here, and we're in the playoffs, and then it's anyone's game.

I'm no better in this regard. Every year I get suckered in, and by October, sometimes early, sometimes late, I'm counting up the number of distinct and unique ways in which the Lions will blow it in the end. It's just Lionesque incompetence; a wonderful yet horrifying blend of calliope music and terrible football. Last season's 6-2 start ended with a 1-7 finish, a disheartened endgame for those of us who want to believe, particularly the 51-14 debacle in San Diego in Week 15. Sadly, this 7-9 mark was the high water mark of the Millen regime thus far. But like a tinhorn Central American dictator who is a committed anti-Communist during the Cold War, Millen is (Team) President for Life, and there's nothing that the common people can do about it.

So why should this year (or the near future for that matter) be any better? Here's my top 4 reasons: (I was going to give you one for each Lions playoff win in the Super Bowl era, but a list of one is, by definition, not a list.)

1). The Lions currently have the best quarterback in the NFC North (and it won't matter).

With the departure of he who shall not be named from Green Bay, the projected starting quarterbacks in the NFC North this season are Detroit's Jon Kitna, Chicago's Kyle Grossman (or is it Rex Orton), Green Bay's Aaron Rodgers, and Minnesota's Tarvaris Jackson. This puts Kitna at the top of the heap, but it's like playing king of the hill in North Dakota; it's a small heap and there's not a lot of competition. Kitna is also blessed with two fantastic wide receivers (at least on paper), Roy Williams and Calvin "Megatron" Johnson. The problem is, the Lions parted ways with pass-happy offensive coordinator Mike Martz during the off-season, and Head Coach Rod Marinelli has promised a renewed focus on the run game. This shouldn't be too hard, as the Lions actually finished an honest to goodness NFL game last season (admittedly against the Arizona Cardinals) with negative rushing yardage. What this does not change is the fact that the Lions will still struggle to match last year's seven wins.

2). They play in the NFC.

If there were in the AFC, this preview would have merely listed any of the nine teams that are going to make the playoffs ahead of the Lions and called it a day. At this point of the preview, I'm sort of wishing the Lions were in the AFC.

3). They have Jason Hanson.

It has always been my firm belief that if one were inclined to purchase a Lions jersey to wear (which, to be honest, is like buying a less itchy hairshirt), it should be a Jason Hanson jersey. And yes, I know, suggesting that getting the jersey of a kicker borders on the insane, but let's look at the facts. Hanson was a teammate of Drew Bledsoe's at Washington State. He's the longest tenured current NFL player with one team now that he who shall not be named is playing for the Jets and Michael Strahan is now spending Sundays with Curt, Terry, Howie, and Jimmy and he's the last NFL player who still with the team he played for before the introduction of free agency and the salary cap. He still has a lot of leg for a 38-year old guy and well, who will look more foolish, the guy in the Hanson jersey, or the guys in the Harrington jersey. In an era where every Lion will look to find a way to disappoint you, Hanson is the one constant positive force.

4). No one lives forever

That said, until William Clay Ford, Sr. decides he no longer wants to own the Lions, or passes on to the Glass House in the sky, Lions fans likely have little reason to hope. We will continue to do so for any number of reasons, but we will not see them sniffing a Super Bowl, let alone hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. We will continue to hope, because hope dies last.

The Army blew it. They implemented a policy that was designed to draw attention to the unique skills and talents of their servicemen and, in the process, make it easier to recruit soldiers to the Army by attracting positive publicity and media attention. The policy was enacted in 2005 because filling the ranks of a volunteer army was increasingly difficult. Caleb Campbell’s being selected by the Detroit Lions last April represented the fruition of that policy. Tens of millions of people were exposed to a guy who represented everything that was good about West Point and military service. Campbell’s engaging, humble, funny, smart, and a leader. I know from personal experience because I had the good fortune to train alongside him for the NFL Draft this past January-March. (Don't worry, I trained for comic relief.)

But you don’t have to believe me to understand what a success the Army policy had been. You only have to read the words of Army spokesperson Lt. Col. Anne Edgecomb in an AP article last month:

The real advantage for the Army is just the amount of publicity we get," Edgecomb said in an AP story published on June 13. "When you think about it, who's the best recruiter for the Navy you can think of? David Robinson. He's called the Admiral, for goodness sake. The attention that we get in our primary demographic to have someone playing sports who's in the Army, that's where (we) in the Army see the advantage in this program.

About face, indeed.

In March I traveled to West Point and spent two days following Campbell around from one class to another. I saw how hard he worked in class, at school, and as a soldier. Most importantly I saw that while Campbell was a very skilled football player it represented a small part of his personality and an even smaller portion of the four years he’d spent training to be a solider in our nation's military. I talked to his classmates at West Point and heard how eager they were to have one of their own representing the Academy in the NFL. Now, with one bad decision reached the day before his dream became a reality, the Army has stripped away that opportunity from Caleb Campbell.

Campbell is not going to fight the change in this policy because he’s a soldier and he believes his first duty is to his superiors. That’s admirable. What isn’t admirable is when a superior officer screws up and forces subordinates to pay the price for their mistakes. And let’s face it, the Army screwed up. Royally. They pulled the proverbial rug out from under an existing policy after several parties had relied on their policy. If Campbell was a civilian and he sued in a civil court based on this fact pattern, he’d win. There's a decent chance that if the right judge heard his case in a civilian court, the judge would issue a temporary restraining order to stop the Army from changing their policy after everyone relied upon it to their detriment.

As a soldier Cambpell could have an actionable claim because he relied upon an existing Army policy. As a sophomore many schools encouraged Campbell to transfer and play football for them. But the Army, and Coach Bobby Ross in particular, persuaded Campbell that he should stay because graduating from West Point would mean something, be a true accomplishment. Unlike other athletes from football factories who graduated without having to put any effort into earning their degree, Campbell, a soldier of character, would earn his degree and be proud of his accomplishment on his graduation day.

Point being, the Army dangled this policy as a carrot to persuade Campbell that he could have the best of both worlds, a great education and, potentially if he was good enough, a career as a professional football player. After his sophomore year, Campbell could have left West Point and gone anywhere in the country without owing the Army anything. But he didn’t. Caleb Campbell kept his promise to the Army—sadly the Army didn’t keep their promise to him. So in my mind, Campbell has an actionable claim, but he’s too good of a soldier to call the Army on their duplicity.

But what about the Lions? The Army informed the NFL that Campbell was eligible to play this fall in 2008. It’s why the Lions drafted him. Campbell himself knew there was skepticism from NFL teams about his eligibility and that’s why he had the Army notify teams of their existing policy. Now, interestingly, the Detroit Lions actually have a legal claim against the United States Army rooted in contract law. The Lions could sue the Army arguing that the Army is breaching their promise that Campbell was eligible to be drafted. After all, draft picks have a value and if they couldn’t draft Campbell to play football the Lions could have used their 7th round pick to take any other college player in the country. Not only has the Army pulled the rug out from underneath Campbell, but they’ve also screwed the Lions in the process.

Now, the Lions aren’t likely to sue the Army over Campbell because the NFL is patriotic. And patriotism in the NFL’s mind means blindly accepting anything that the Army does — be that claiming that Pat Tillman was the victim of terrorists or allowing one of their lawfully drafted players to be sent to war. To do otherwise would be bad publicity.

So now the Army has created a double storm for itself, they’re damned in both directions, fighting a two front war. They’ve managed to anger everyone without solving any actual problem. The reality is Campbell’s service as an individual soldier is much more valuable from a public relations perspective than it is from a soldiering one. You and I can clearly see that. But we aren’t Caleb Campbell’s superiors. Ultimately Caleb Campbell is a soldier. And, unfortunately for him, a soldier doesn’t get to choose which orders to follow.

U.S. Army orders Lions draft pick Caleb Campbell to withdraw [Yahoo]

On Wednesday night word broke that Caleb Campbell, 7th round draft pick out of Army for the Detroit Lions, would not be allowed to play NFL football in the 2008 season. Campbell, a 2nd Lt. who graduated from West Point on May 31 of this year, owed his ability to play in the NFL to a 2005 Army policy that allows cadets of “unique talents and abilities” to pursue an alternate service policy. As part of his service Campbell would be required to “participate in activities with potential recruiting or public affairs benefits to the Army.”

With a letter sent to the Detroit Lions on Wednesday morning the Army effectively excised this policy in one fell swoop and with no prior warning. The Army waited until the last possible moment to announce their decision.

The news reached Campbell in his Detroit hotel room at 11 in the morning yesterday. Campbell’s agent called and said he needed to get down to the Lions facility in a hurry because stuff was happening. It was the day before the Lions training camp was to begin. I spoke to Campbell last night, after all this went down. He had spent the past week at West Point, and says the Army's decision “left me in the complete dark. No one said a thing to me on campus last week about anything changing. Nothing.”

Which is all the more galling because the Army made the change to their policy, according to the AP article, on July 8. Only they didn't bother informing Campbell until the day before his dream of being a professional football player came to fruition.

Campbell said he couldn’t dispute the orders because, “I’m a soldier first and foremost and I go where they order me to go.” As of now, Campbell says he’s being ordered back to West Point where he will be assigned to be a graduate assistant with either the Army football team or the West Point Prep School team for the fall. He’s uncertain what comes after that.

On what was to be the eve of his professional football career Campbell said Lions coach Rod Marinelli had him stand in a team meeting and informed the Lions that Campbell would be leaving to fulfill his military obligations. “The team was blown away, just shocked,” said Campbell. “So was I.”

Right now the Army says that Campbell will not be eligible to play football until 2010. The Lions, meanwhile, will retain the rights to sign Campbell for the next calendar year. As of now, the feel good story of the 2008 draft, is in a precarious holding pattern.

U.S. Army orders Lion draft pick Campbell to withdraw [Yahoo]

War Games [Sports Illustrated]

Accidentally, of course. A fan trying to cancel his season tickets got a rather unfriendly message from a team employee.

Furlong canceled his season tickets in an e-mail to Schul. Powser then e-mailed Furlong with an offer for more desirable seats, but Furlong said it was a matter of principle — and he wouldn't accept the offer. Then Furlong received the inadvertent e-mail from [team employee] Schul.



The entire e-mail reads, "Lance...he is not talking about you here. Mark was asked to speak to these people and he said no. Fuck 'em until next year."

The real telling part of the story, we thought, is how Furlong, the season ticket holder, found his seats constantly downgraded each year, which is why he canceled his season tickets in the first place. God, Lions fans: Enjoy the Pistons while you can.

Does E-mail Show How Lions Really Feel About Their Fans? [The Oakland Press]

Safety Caleb Campbell was the first nonkicker from Army ever invited to take part in the NFL combine. If he didn't get drafted, he would probably be serving as a second lieutenant in Iraq or Afghanistan by year's end. But Campbell was drafted in the 7th round. By the Detroit Lions. Bit of a Pyrrhic victory, no?

All kidding aside, it's an interesting situation and one that possible only to a recent policy change.

In years past, military athletes had little hope of playing professional football due to their commitment to the service upon graduation. Army recently revised those requirements, leaving the door open for Campbell and other Cadets to pursue their dream of playing in the National Football League.

What Army has done is offer its top athletes a side door to professional sports. West Point has implemented an alternative service option program that allows cadets to turn pro — and play — right away. Cadets accepted into the program "will owe two years of active service in the Army, during which time they will be allowed to play their sport in the player-development systems of their respective organizations and be assigned to recruiting stations. If they remain in professional sports following those two years, they will be provided the option of buying out the remaining three years of their active-duty commitment in exchange for six years of reserve time."

At least with the Lions there won't be any doubts about the chances of victory.

And then there's Matt Millen, incompetent and ever-defensive about it, a Bill Parcells wannabe who has the tough-guy demeanor down pat but thinks that's the entire package. Hysterical. He changes offensive coordinators twice a year like smoke alarm batteries, then talks about the importance of continuity. He adheres to a Horatio Alger-meets-Jiminy Cricket philosophy: the Lions will win if they just get tougher, try harder, and believe. No talent or player development needed, which is good, because he isn't providing much. Ironically, awkwardly hilarious.

And now they've finally picked after dealing down, reaching for a pretty good Boston College tackle to replace the pretty good Boston College tackle (Damien Woody) who left via free agency. Cherilus isn't bad: like most BC linemen, he's tough and dedicated and has pretty good pass blocking technique. But he had a hard time moving from right to left tackle in college, so it's hard to project him sliding over in the pros. And the Lions have too many needs to take a right tackle this high. And Jeff Otah, a better overall prospect, is on the board. And so on.

But please, no "Lions think he's a wideout" jokes, or variations thereof. They are too lazy, too easy, too 2007. This is Deadspin, and we aspire to a higher level of sports satire.

Penis.

But we can't help but question the motivation for all that faith, after we read what Kitna said he's thankful for.

Lions quarterback Jon Kitna on what he's most thankful for: "That I don't have to go to hell."

We don't know if Kitna's next comment was, "Unlike SOME people" while eyeing the reporter warily ... but man, we hope so. Because nothing says love and devotion than doing something because you're afraid you'll be tortured for eternity if you don't.

What Jon Kitna Is Thankful For [The World Of Isaac]

It's Thanksgiving Day tomorrow, as you might have heard, and the one game that was supposed to be inspiring — the Packers-Lions — is slightly less so after the last couple of weeks. Nevertheless, it is football, and you'll have not only the Jets-Cowboys and Colts-Falcons, but also a kinda fun USC-Arizona State game.

But mostly, it's just a time to chill out, eat like a horse and sleep all day. Sounds good to us! We're taking a flight to San Francisco tonight — what could possibly go wrong? — and will be taking tomorrow off. We'll see you Friday morn ... unless you're one of those weird people who shops that day. See you then.

Even though some people think they still won't make the playoffs, the Lions turned a few skulls this weekend with their trashing of the Broncos. We're not quite sure it means Matt Millen is a sudden genius, but clearly, Jon Kitna is receiving messages from God, and they're telling him to make fun of his assistant coaches.

As some of you might know, we're longtime friends with Michael David Smith of The Fanhouse, and ever since college, his Lions and our Buzzsaw have seemingly played each other every year. (This is because they're usually both so awful.) We bet every year on the game, and this year, we're betting a post on it. So when the Lions crush the Buzzsaw this Sunday, look for that. Maybe he can explain what the hell's going on.

(Getty Images Photo)

Among all the petty forms of entertainment within football games, perhaps nothing tops the lineman running an interception back for a touchdown. Shaun Rogers intercepted what looked to be Patrick Ramsey's screen pass, or maybe Patrick Ramsey had the same thought I did and just wanted to see the fat man jiggle down to the end zone. Lions 44, Broncos 7

I'm thinking back to Week 2 when the Bengals played the Browns, and everyone thought it was going to be a touchdownfest for Carson Palmer. (And we were right.) We didn't count on, however, a defense who basically escorts the opposing offense forward. Cincy gave up over 300 yards passing. Chad Johnson will look back upon the 20?? season as one of the low points of his career. Bills 33, Bengals 21

Kurt Warner's back, but unfortunately it's the 2002 version of Kurt Warner, who ended up with 10-of-30 for 172 yards and two interceptions. Buccaneers 17, Cardinals 10

Antonio Cromartie scored a 109-yard-missed-field-goal-return-for-touchdown, the longest play in NFL history. There have been six "longest plays in NFL history" in the last three years, it seems. Reminds you of the guy from college who annually proclaims he's going to graduate. Vikings 35, Chargers 17 (Update: Adrian Peterson ran for a lot of yards in this game. Damn near 300, in fact.)

Tennessee had only 236 total yards of offense and four turnovers. And they still won by 13. This has to make Carolina the worst 4-4 team in NFL history. Titans 20, Panthers 7

With a minute-or-so left in the fourth quarter, Alex Smith and the 49ers had a chance to score the game-winning touchdown, provided they went the length of the field. You can surmise how this one ended. Yep, turnover. Falcons 20, 49ers 16

It took more than 60 minutes for the Jets to lose a football game. That's impressive for them. Redskins 23, Jets 20

Brett Favre extends his touchdown and interception record by adding a couple of each. So did Damon Huard, but since Huard has less fun than Favre, not to mention less Tecmo Bowl gravitas, that's why his team lost. Packers 33, Chiefs 22

There was a total of 899 passing yards betwixt Quinn Gray and Drew Brees. And only four syllables. That's a 224 yard-to-syllable ratio, by far the best in NFL history. But New Orleans avoided what one may call "turnovers" en route to an impressive win over the usually-impressive Jaguars. Saints 41, Jaguars 24

Product Placement Tangent — Seeing a commercial for stuffed crust pizza reaffirms my disbelief in the product. So because there's mozzarella in the crust, I should eat it first, because it's not like there's mozzarella cheese anywhere else on the slice. Now, if the crust were to be stuffed with bacon, then maybe you have something there.

Remember Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen's naked drive-through Wendy's experience? Well, Kitna "dressed up" as Cullen, and even had his wife play Wendy.

"A lot of the guys on the team remember what happened," Kitna told Fox 2 at the party. "It's far enough removed that you can laugh at it now."

Some people are being real sticks in the mud about it, which is silly; as anybody who knows Jon Kitna can tell you, all of his jokes are authorized by God.

Jon Kitna As Naked Coach Joe Culle [Quo Vadimus]
What Was Kitna Thinking? [Detroit Free Press]
At Least He Didn't Biggie Size [Deadspin]

• Down eight to Washington with upwards of 20 seconds remaining, Tim Rattay threw the potential game-tying touchdown, but coach Ken Whisenhunt kept Big Daddy Drew's suicide pick intact by letting Anquan Boldin, who is such an ineffective quarterback he's actually a wide receiver, throw an incompletion on the two-point conversion. I haven't seen video of this, but I sure hope to, as it's truly a remarkable way to ensure loss to the Redskins. The Cardinals did recover the ensuing onside kick, but Neil Rackers is not a 55-yard-field goal type of dude. Redskins 21, Cardinals 19

• Even though Willis McGahee had himself a heck of a game, Buffalo moved to 2-1 with Trent Edwards as their starter. I am officially confused as to whether or not Baltimore is a good team. They're 0-2 on Sundays in which I control Deadspin. I trust the generous people of Baltimore can understand this is just a coincidence. Bills 19, Ravens 14

• The onslaught continued, but Miami was feisty enough to put up a few points at the end, showing what happens when New England puts in Matt Cassel at quarterback. See, nation, this is why the Patriots have to run up the score. Otherwise they lose. Opposing New England's methods is like opposing the glorious Burmese military junta. "Brady throws for | six more scores | that's why he gets | all the whores | Burma-Shave" Patriots 49, Dolphins 28

• A little "yessss" sounded in Joey Harrington's head as the body of Will Smith collided with Byron Leftwich, resulting in Bobby Petrino having to throw Harrington into the fourth quarter to complete the comeback. (Trust me, if Petrino could have used Brian Brohm today, he would have.) I didn't see the three Harrington-engineered drives that resulted in just one field goal, but I can only assume that he was a very nice guy even as the clock hit double-zero. Saints 22, Falcons 16

• I like typing sentences one will never get to type again, such as "Rob Bironas kicked eight field goals, overcoming Sage Rosenfels and his four touchdown passes." Titans 38, Texans 36

• Mike Nolan wore a tie for this!? Giants 33, 49ers 15

Five more games going on right now. Dallas-Minnesota seems to be the lesser of five evils.

Today — right now, actually — Williams is out delivering pizzas to the greater metropolitan Detroit area.

From 4-6pm today Mr. Cheapskate will be an honorary delivery driver for the nationwide pizza chain. He'll be operating from a Pizza Hut somewhere in metro Detroit. The exact location of the joint he'll be working from will be released sometime today. Hopefully they'll make him drive a beat up 1984 Honda Civic. Although as cheap as Roy is, that might be his car anyway.

He'll also apparently be making a personal donation to the World Food Program, which includes all the tips he gets. Don't fall for that trick. Send the World Food Program a check on your own time.

We hope they're careful which neighborhoods they send Williams into; as any Detroit pizza delivery boy can tell you, oftentimes not receiving a tip is the least of their worries.

Don't Tip Roy Williams Today [100 Percent Injury Rate]
Ladies Line Up For Roy Williams [Deadspin]

He actually wrote Williams a full letter.

Dear Roy,

We heard that you haven't been tipping pizza delivery drivers, but recently chatted with one of our drivers and decided you need to start tipping. When a Pizza Hut pizza arrives hot and fresh, it's easy to be distracted by all the deliciousness you're about to enjoy, and our drivers certainly appreciate you taking the time to tip.

But what about all the drivers who missed being tipped in the past?

We'd like to issue you a challenge. Agree to work as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut for just one day in Detroit, and we'll forgive all your previous tipping transgressions.

Furthermore, we'll collect all the tips you receive and donate them to the World Food Programme as part of our World Hunger Relief Week, which is kicking-off October 14.

So, Roy, what do you say? There are a lot of hungry fans out there waiting.
Sincerely,
Scott Bergren
President, Pizza Hut

We appreciate the clever bit of promotion here, particularly in Little Caesar's backyard, but we think Bergren is missing the real point here: It's all about the cash. You're gonna give money to charity? You know who you're dealing with here, right?

Roy Williams: Showman, Wide Reciever, Pizza Delivery Guy [The Angry T]
Ladies, Line Up For Roy Williams [Deadspin]

Check out Williams' eye for fine style and the best way to treat a lady.

I am cheap, I'm a cheap date. Get you some McDonalds, with some cheese on it and I'm just really cheap, man. I'm very low key, I like to stay home. I like to go bowling on Monday nights and I go to the casino every once and awhile. Other than that, you won't see Mr. Williams out at all.

There's no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say 'Thank you sir.' ... The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he's coming for free. I might just take [a date] to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I'd take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn't be Morton's or nothing like that.

For the record, Red Lobster is vastly underrated, particularly on that budget.

Roy Williams Comments On Why He Doesn't Tip The Pizza Guy [Detroit Free Press]

"Nope, in a moment of weakness, I decided to interject myself into the career of a journeyman quarterback who has had a buzz haircut since 1984. Lots of people think that I favor men with long flowing locks because that is what Jesus looked like. These people are wrong. Heaven has been partial to short hair on men since the Reformation. It has just taken a long time for short hair to catch on.

"I also know that some people have questioned Jon Kitna's assertion that I healed his concussion via a miracle so he could play in the second half of one football game. Just because there are six billion people on earth and all of them are asking me for things all day long doesn't mean that I don't have my priorities in order. After all, I know that Minnesota-Detroit is a rivalry game. Plus, I also engineered Jon Kitna's miraculous World Bowl V Barcelona Dragons win over the Rhein Fire in 1998. But no one noticed."

We think this might be fake, but only because everybody knows God is rooting for Kurt Warner. Duh.

Cure Kitna? God Did It, But He's Not Sure Why [ClayNation]

Kitna said that it must have been God that cleared his head during halftime after he received a concussion during the Lions' game with the Vikings on Sunday.

"I've never felt anything like that, and for it to clear up and go right back to as normal as I can be, is nothing short of a miracle," Kitna said. "I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it."

The good news: Yes Jon, it was God. You were right. The bad news: He was wearing a Fire Millen t-shirt.

Kitna Credits 'Hand Of God' After Concussion [MSNBC]

But hey: It's a division with Matt Millen, Brett Favre and whoever is left to pick at the bones of the Minnesota Vikings. What's not to like?

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Bears, Lions, Vikings, Packers.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Packers, Bears, Lions, Vikings.
• Sports Illustrated: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• DEADSPIN: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings. OK, so not EVERYONE is picking the Bears, but we are. Actually, we think they're gonna make the Super Bowl again, lose again and end up being known as the Bills of the NFC.

As always, we know nothing.

Charles Rogers, Millen's most famous draft mistake (though he's hardly the only one who thought Rogers would be great), appears CFL-bound. Perhaps it's because he has gotten a bit, oh, slower.

The Kansas City Chiefs worked out Charles Rogers Friday. The same #1 draft pick Charles Rogers, who at the 2003 combine or pro day, allegedly ran a 4.28....According to reports, Charles clocked in at 4.83 in the 40, and the Chiefs terminated the workout. See, cuz three of the Chiefs D-linemen can run a sub 4.8.

Rogers is said to be considering a spot with the Saskatchewan Rough Riders. Is weed legal in Canada yet?

Charles Rogers To Learn A New, Cheesier Anthem [Sports Review Magazine[

Your author is Michael David Smith, who covers the NFL for Football Outsiders, the New York Sun, AOL FanHouse and Pro Football Talk. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

This will be the Detroit Lions' shortest season ever.

When you're a Lions fan, in the Matt Millen era, the season doesn't last 16 games. It lasts until you've decided it's just too painful to keep watching and you can't take it anymore. Now, you might think that after all the pain we've suffered during the Millen era, we Lions fans would have decided, permanently, to stop watching about five years ago. But Lions fans aren't that different from the fans of the other 31 NFL teams. We allow ourselves to get swept up in the belief that this year could be our year, and when Week 1 of the NFL season begins, we're as excited as everyone else.

But every year we eventually realize that we don't have a team worthy of our excitement, and during the Millen era, that realization has come sooner and sooner each season. In 2001, we Lions fans didn't give up until December. Sure, the Lions started the season 0-12, but we just couldn't believe that Millen had made our team - which went 9-7 in 2000, the year before Millen became general manager - the laughingstocks of football. We kept watching in disbelief, week after week, as the Lions became the subjects of the only funny jokes Jay Leno has told this millennium.

In 2002 the Lions were almost as bad as they were in 2001, but the first-round draft choice that year was Joey Harrington. We just knew Harrington was our Quarterback of the Future, and he managed to keep us interested until Thanksgiving.

In 2003 we had new head coach Steve Mariucci to keep us going until mid-November. Mooch was such a nice guy that he just had to succeed. All successful football coaches are nice guys, right?

In 2004, the Lions teased us by starting 4-2, and that guaranteed that they'd keep us optimistic until at least Halloween. Yeah, they went 2-8 the rest of the way, but at least they waited until December to reach double-digit losses.

The last two years things have changed a little bit, and we've had no choice, in both 2005 and 2006, but to give up on the season in Week 2. In both years, we watched our Lions get their butts kicked up and down the field by the Bears in the second game of the season. Do you realize that the Lions have played the Bears in Week 2 for two straight years, and the combined score is Chicago 72, Detroit 13? As a Lions fan living in Chicago, I had to give up on the season after both of those games.

But this year it's going to be even worse: This year, Week 1 of the NFL season matches the Lions against the Oakland Raiders, the only team worse than the Lions last year. And that means a loss in Week 1 would cause us to abandon all hope.

And really, is there any doubt that the Lions will lose Week 1? These are the Lions we're talking about.

Sure, they've added rookie wide receiver Calvin Johnson. He looks great. And yeah, Mike Martz is our offensive coordinator. He makes things exciting. And Jon Kitna insists the Lions will go 16-0, and he'll throw 250 touchdown passes, while Roy Williams believes the offense will average 75 points a game. These guys are optimistic.

But these are the Matt Millen Lions we're talking about, and having a few guys around who make things exciting doesn't change the fact that the rest of the roster is as devoid of talent as NFL rosters get. Although drafting Johnson is one of the few Millen decisions I support, consider this: After selecting Johnson in the first round of this year's draft, Millen chose Michigan State quarterback Drew Stanton in the second round. At a press conference that day, Millen told the assembled reporters, "You guys are probably more familiar with him than I am."

It's not surprising that Millen would draft a quarterback and know less about him than the Lions' beat writers do. This is, after all, the general manager who made Cory Redding the highest-paid defensive tackle in the NFL this off-season. I like Redding, but seriously: This is the NFL of the salary cap era, when every dollar you spend on one player is a dollar you can't spend on another player. Do you think anyone on earth, other than Millen, believes Redding deserves to be the highest-paid defensive tackle in the NFL?

Other problems in Detroit include the once-promising young running back, Kevin Jones, who suffered a foot injury in December that might not allow him to run at full speed at all in 2007. And an offensive line that was the worst in the league in 2006. And the fact that their best defensive player last season, cornerback Dre Bly, was shipped to Denver because, it was reported at the time, "he doesn't appear to fit in Rod Marinelli's defensive scheme." Yeah, talented players just don't fit with what they're trying to do in Detroit.

So, as a Lions fan, instead of previewing the whole 16-game season, let me just tell you what will happen in Week 1: The Raiders are going to beat the Lions, with quarterback Josh McCown (a former Lion) leading Oakland to the victory. Starting 2007 with a loss to the only team that was worse than the Lions in 2006 will tell us Lions fans that the season is hopeless. And all we'll be able to say for the rest of the year is the same thing we've been saying for five years: Fire Millen.

"I'll keep to myself what I think we actually will win. But it's more than 10 games," Kitna said.

"I don't like putting a lot of pressure on people, but Calvin Johnson, to me, will have about the same impact that Reggie Bush had in New Orleans," Kitna said. "He's everything that they said he was and more."

If he's implying that the Lions have been as big of a disaster as New Orleans in the wake of Katrina, fine. And if he says Calvin Johnson is going exceed all the hype, I can buy that, too.

But somehow, Drew Brees is being left out of the equation ... and he seems like a key factor, since the different between Kitna and Brees is the biggest reason I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that the Lions are going to win 11 or more games.

Brees, with his 96.2 QB rating and his 26 touchdowns that also may have had something to do with New Orleans' miraculous 2006 season. Meanwhile, Jon Kitna ... well, he's still Jon Kitna. I admire his optimism, but as of right now, this bold proclamation is the most noteworthy thing of his career as a Lion.

QB Kitna says Lions will win 10-plus games in '07 [ABC12]

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of Matt Millen's mind.

You're a savvy sports fan, so you know that Millen drafted wide receivers in the first rounds of three of the last four drafts. Thanks to his commitment to a top receiving corps, the Lions' starting receivers last year were Roy Williams (the best of the picks) and Mike Furrey (a former Rams receiver turned safety). For variety, they sometimes used Josh McCown, a former Cardinals quarterback, as a slot receiver.

According to an NFL Network report, Lions offensive coordinator Mike Martz convinced Millen to select Johnson by explaining how he would use the receiver in his offense. "I plan to have Jon Kitna throw footballs to him," Martz explained. "Gosh, I never would have thought of that," Millen replied. "Now back to my Spider-Man coloring book. Staying between the lines is ever so hard."

For the record, Millen probably plans to trade Johnson, perhaps in the next few hours, perhaps to Tampa for some additional picks. Way to go, Matt. You're the smartest guy in the room. With your track record, there's no way this burst of creativity and chutzpah will explode in your face.

Granted, Johnson probably won't go bust the way Mike Williams and Charles Rogers did. The kid's got the talent of Terrell Owens, the morals of Saint Augustine (post conversion), and the work ethic of Spongebob. He was tough to evaluate at times, because his quarterback at Georgia Tech's arm was about as accurate as a Sylvia Browne horoscope, but Johnson has Pro Bowl ability. He'll be great, and if the Lions keep him, the Williams-Johnson-Furrey combo will be hard to stop. It's just that the Lions need defensive players. And a quarterback, and an upgrade on the line. Et cetera.

If Millen doesn't get a good deal done (there had better be a second round pick involved), every football blog on the net is going to pillory this pick. I'm not a fish-in-the-barrel kind of guy. I'm also not a Lions fan. Thank heavens. Millen's incompetent, the Lions stink, let's move on.

In an interview yesterday about the upcoming NFL Draft, the indestructible Lions general manager thought it would be funny to mock the hopes and dreams of Detroit fans, dreams he has personally eradicated.

"I am a wide receiver expert," joked Millen, who spoke to a small group of reporters in the lobby of the Westin Hotel in downtown Indianapolis on the eve of today's NFL combine.

Millen was then asked if the Lions would avoid taking Johnson because they had picked receivers Charles Rogers (Michigan State), Roy Williams and Mike Williams with their first pick for three straight years. "I don't know if you've noticed this, but we haven't really looked at what people have said we should do too often," he said.

Ha. Ha. Ha ha ha. [Commence bashing face into brick wall covered by old Barry Sanders poster.]

It's that they just won't leave NFL backup defensive tackles alone. Detroit Lions tackle Tyoka Jackson is being sued by a male flight attendant for shoving him halfway across the plane a couple of years ago.

After flight attendant Gary Rihn repeatedly asked Jackson to stow his carry-on bag, Jackson shoved Rihn so hard that he was knocked across the aisle and landed, feet in the air, against another passenger, according to a Federal Aviation Administration letter that proposed a $20,500 fine for Jackson.

"Obviously, the lawsuit's being filed because it's Tyoka Jackson ... not John Q. Public," Jackson's lawyer Tom Magee said.

It's true: We're so tired of people trying to use Tyoka Jackson's worldwide celebrity like he's some sort of ATM. Shocking that the male flight attendant was so easily made airborne, however.

Flight Attendant Sues Tyoka Jackson [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

Part of me hopes that the Lions have some crazy can't-lose offensive sets that they've been saving for just such an event. I'd like for them to be down 21 points when the walkout starts, and then make a stunning comeback victory in front of 11 fans. I can't get behind the movement to Fire Millen... he provides too much material. And I can't wait until they draft Calvin Johnson in the next draft.

There are a lot of teams that have had bad seasons in '06... the Bucs, Raiders, Texans, Browns, Cardinals, etc. They know they don't have a lot to be happy about. But at least it hasn't come to this.

Lions not too concerned about possible fan protest [mlive.com]

And then there's the Fire Millen movement. Lions fans have been trying to rid themselves of the ineffectual general manager for, jeez, five years now? And it has done nothing, made no difference, done nothing but make him stronger. At this point, it seems clear that Matt Millen's never going to leave Detroit, and he could care less. This weekend is yet another "Fire Millen" protest in Detroit, almost exactly a year since the last one. But Matt Millen will outlast us all; we not only think he'll survive in Detroit, we expect him to be running two or three other franchises by the end of the decade.

From The Office Of Matt Millen [Clubber Lang's Basement]
Fire Millen [Deadspin]

It appears he was not only driving in the nude on August 24 ... he was going through a drive-through at a Wendy's.

The Wendy's manager, Jethro Lett, said he was working the second drive-thru window on Michigan Avenue near Telegraph when he heard startling news from the first window, where customers pay for their food. "The cashier alerted me," said Lett, 48. " 'A guy coming to your window is naked!' "

He recalled the order as a single combo: burger, fries and a drink. Five minutes later, Lett brought the order out to the parked SUV. "He didn't say a word," Lett said. "I said, 'Here you go with your food, sir.'" Lett is a veteran Wendy's employee who lives in Detroit and normally works in the city. He said he was frustrated with the response of Dearborn police, whom he didn't think were taking his complaint seriously. "All they kept saying is, 'Did he say anything, do anything?' " Lett recalled. "I said, 'He don't have to say anything, he's butt naked!' "

Meanwhile, our friends at Jalopnik are reporting that Cullen was seen at a "gentlemen's club" earlier in the evening, where, apparently, he drew some artistic inspiration.

Nude Stop Earns Coach Suspension [Detroit Free Press]
A Little Fired Up In The Red Zone [Deadspin]

We do the riverdance, a manly dance, through the NFC North, land of paternity suits, custody issues, nude assistant coaches, Brett Favre and, of course, sex boats.

• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Minnesota, Chicago, Green Bay, Detroit.
• Peter King, Sports Illustrated: Detroit, Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Paul Zimmerman, Sports Illustrated: Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Bill Simmons, ESPN: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Aaron Schatz, FootballOutsiders and Fox Sports: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• AJ Daulerio, Deadspin Cultural Oddsmaker: Minnesota, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today Sports Weekly: Detroit, Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Michael David Smith, Football Outsiders: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Deadspin: Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay, Detroit. This has to be the worst division in football. Ugh.

Have you been impregnated by Brian Urlacher? If so, let us know in the comments, if you can.

Subject driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE).

The incident actually happened on Aug. 24 and was the second time in two weeks that Cullen had been arrested; the other being for non-nude drunk driving. No one needs to tell us, of course, that Cullen once coached the defensive line at Illinois, where he was when the Lions hired him in 2005. In 2003, when he coached at Indiana, Cullen was involved in controversy when he slapped a player in the helmet during a game against Michigan State, later telling the Indianapolis Star that he had simply been "a little fired up down in the red zone."

Before you ask, no, there is no YouTube video of the arrest. We hope.

Lions Assistant Coach Arrested For Nude, Drunken Driving [Detroit Free Press]
Hey, Coach, Your Balls Are Showing [Jalopnik]

We know that life as a Detroit Lions fan has been difficult in recent years, but, honestly, it's no reason to set your neighborhood ablaze.

Actually, sure, yeah, it is. Heck, what isn't a reason?

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Detroit Lions. Your author is Michael David Smith.

Michael David Smith is an editor at Football Outsiders. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Here's why the Lions are better than your team.

1. Matt Millen is a genius.

For a long time I thought Millen, the Lions' team president, was an idiot. After all, this is a guy who took over a 9-7 team after the 2000 season and has promptly led them to a 21-59 record in five seasons. And as much as the Lions have embarrassed the city of Detroit on the field, Millen has been as much of an embarrassment off the field: He is the only team executive the league has disciplined for violating its policy on diversity (a $250,000 fine for giving Steve Mariucci the head-coaching job without interviewing any minorities), and he is the only team executive who has entered an opposing locker room after a game to blast a player with a homophobic slur (he twice called Kansas City's Johnnie Morton a "faggot" after the Lions lost to the Chiefs.)

But then it dawned on me: Millen still has his job. And not only does he have his job, but he has a guaranteed five-year contract extension, and he was recently placed on the competition committee, making him one of the league's most influential executives. There's no way I could match that record of incompetence and still be employed, let alone promoted. Could you? Clearly Millen understands something that we don't. Some day, MBA students will study the Millen era to learn how one brilliant man kept his job even as everything he touched turned to shit.

2. Our first-round pick wears a special helmet.

Ernie Sims, the rookie linebacker out of Florida State, suffered five concussions in college, causing some teams to remove him from their draft boards. But no problem, said the Lions. They took him with the ninth overall pick and have fitted him with a specially designed helmet, the better to protect his brain with. Jerry Seinfeld once observed that the invention of the helmet is proof that the human being is stupid: We invented the helmet because we were participating in activities that were cracking our heads; instead of avoiding these activities we made little plastic hats so that we could continue our head-cracking lifestyles.

The Lions have taken it one step further with Sims: When the little plastic hat doesn't work, Sims still won't avoid the activity; he'll just get a different plastic hat that he hopes works better. The special Revolution Helmet (http://www.riddell.com/RevFacts.htm) he'll be wearing sure sounds impressive: "The new Revolution helmet includes innovative features specifically designed to help reduce the risk of concussion. The Tru-CurveT protective shell extends to the jaw area and has been computer designed around the head's center of gravity to offer superior front-to-back fit and stability. The new Z-pad design provides protection to the side of the head and the jaw - helping to lessen the energy of impact on these areas if a collision occurs. The patented VSR Air-FitTSystem features padding that can inflate to offer a custom fit to every player's head shape."

What I'm most curious about is this: If there's a special helmet out there that prevents concussions, why do players wait until after their fifth concussion to start wearing it?

3. You want depth at wide receiver? I'll show you depth at wide receiver.

On most teams, when you draft a guy in the Top 10, you know he's going to step in and make an impact. But not on the Lions. Detroit took Charles Rogers with the second overall pick in 2003 and took Mike Williams with the 10th overall pick in 2005. They are currently the Lions' third-string receivers, and it's entirely possible that at least one won't even make the team. That's how loaded the Lions are with wide receiver talent; they can simply release a Top 10 draft pick.

The second-string guys ahead of Rogers and Williams are Glenn Martinez, who has one catch in his NFL career, and Mike Furrey, who is trying to make the Lions as a receiver after playing safety for the Rams last year. OK, maybe the Lions don't have much depth at receiver. Maybe it's just that Rogers and Williams suck. But, hey, Matt Millen drafted those two ... and he's a genius!

• He was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by the Green Bay Packers in '97.
• Was a Christian missionary when he first came into the league
• Missed all of 2003 with a torn bicep
• Started all of the 2004 season with the Browns
• Paid the Browns $465,000 to release him, and then did not play in 2005
• Had some rape allegations thrown his way
• Was spotted in Vegas partying with Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, and... Bob Sura.
• Won a half-million dollars in Vegas, then spent most of it on a pool party.
• According to Len Pasquarelli, most people felt he'd never play in the NFL again

So, of course, the next logical step there is for some NFL GM to give him $4 million to play this year, and a contract worth up to $20 million total. And there is one GM who was willing to to just that, and I bet you don't need any help in guessing who. That's right... our old pal Matt Millen.

$4 million this year, for a guy who did not play last year and was assumed to be out of football. As you read his column, you can almost hear Len Pasquarelli trying to refrain from chuckling. And hey, if it doesn't work out, maybe they could trade him to the Knicks for Jerome James.

Verba's contract with Lions worth up to $20 million [ESPN.com]
Paris Hilton And Ross Verba: Our Lucy And Ricky [Deadspin]

The NFL's collective bargaining agreement forbids any contact drills or use of pads at minicamps. This appears to be where the problem lies. One player said that practices were so physical that a couple of linemen got into a "scuffle."

I know that the NFL has rules, and that it's very bad to break them. But I think the Detroit Lions players have, given their past performance, abandoned the right to complain about such things. It shouldn't matter if Rod Marinelli has them engaging in fight-to-the-death kickboxing, they're the Detroit Lions. Right or wrong, when a team is that bad, and they complain about a coach being too hard on them, just one word comes to mind, and it rhymes with pussy.

Anyway, as a result of their complaining, the league found that the Lions did break some rules, and they have mandated that the Lions forfeit two days of their off-season program. Players won't have to be at the practice facility Monday or Tuesday, but will get paid anyway. I really think that's what the Lions need. Paid time off.

Lions players file grievance against Marinelli [mlive.com]

Lions get off days from workouts after complaint [Detroit Free Press]

MDS, tell us what's going down.

9. Detroit Lions: Ernie Sims, LB, Florida State
Ernie Sims has had five concussions. Five. And he hasn't even entered the NFL yet. I hope his agent gets him a big signing bonus and an appointment with a good neurologist. Isiah Thomas gets more attention, but Matt Millen is by far the worst general manager in sports. Both guys run horrible franchises, but Thomas took over a horrible franchise and has only had a couple of years of his futile attempt to turn it around. Millen took over a team with a winning record and is now in his sixth year of running it into the ground. Maybe Millen, himself a former linebacker, had even more concussions than Sims.

Your response, of course, would be to demand that they trade you to Apple.

"I chose Miami," said Lions quarterback Joey Harrington, "because, No. 1, they didn't promise me anything, and No. 2, I believe I'll have the chance to compete. ... They need somebody to fill a spot right now — with the guy they traded for injured — so it gives me a chance to earn people's respect right away.

It apparently doesn't take much to demand a trade these days. At this rate, Scott Spezio is going to command the Cardinals to trade him to Arizona because it will "give him a chance to earn people's respect right away." In fact, we think Mike Brown did this with FEMA almost immediately after Katrina.

Why Harrington Followed The Sun [Detroit Free Press]

(UPDATE: A reader writes: "you may have missed the point on harrington.. he's due a roster bonus in june and they certainly aren't going to give it to him... so the lions' choice is to either trade him prior to that date or release him... so joey is holding the cards... he may or may not be an nfl quarterback but certainly not being able to get anything done in detroit isn't a sign of much of anything... they haven't been able to find a qb since bobby layne ... and in this case, matt millen screws up again by losing all leverage in a trade."

Eh ... he still sucks.)

Well, we love Gil Thorp — it's our favorite daily dose of the inexplicable. And a reader directs us to a panel we missed from February 20.

Note the sign that the fan in the background is carrying.

Yes! Fire Millen!

Gil Thorp Online [ChicagoSports]

The guy giving the headlock to Millen is nice, but we love the kid who has his hat over Joey Harrington's face. (Fire Millen!)

The NFL Experience Backfires [Fire Millen]