It was famously said of Layne that "he never lost a game, he just ran out of time." Well, Matthew Stafford did run out of time yesterday and still managed to pull off a legendary come-from behind victory on the last play against the Browns. With only one arm. Urban legend has it that Layne once got in a car accident while driving drunk on a Saturday night, then showed up on Sunday morning and led the Lions to a win. Stafford—who attended the same high school as Layne, don'tcha know—picked himself up off the sideline with a busted shoulder to throw a game-winning touchdown. (He sort of had no choice. Daunte Culpepper sure didn't want to do it and putting on a helmet would have ruined the whole LPGA golfer look that Drew Stanton had going on.)

Urban legend also has it that Layne cursed his former franchise to 50 years of losing after they traded him away in 1958. Well, we're at 51 and counting, but perhaps the statute of limitations has finally been lifted. The team is still a long way from being good, but could they finally havefound the leader with that mythical toughness that inspires nations and make women weep? No one knows what "it" is, but he's got it! If you're going to build yourself a legend, Sunday's "gritty" 5-TD performance would be a good way to start.

Years from now, every Lions fan will talk about how they saw this man in this game and knew that things had finally turned around for this hapless franchise ... and you will know that they are lying because the stadium was half-full and the game was blacked out. (More on that later.) Stafford probably won't play during their nationally televised Thanksgiving game in four days when his team will undoubtedly be spanked, so the legend is going to need a little more time to simmer. But what a glorious four days they will be for Lions fans. Naturally, the greatest post-game glow of good feelings that they've seen in years had to come during the short week.

[Photo: Julian H. Gonzalez/Detroit Free Press]

Matthew Stafford, Matt Cassel lead way in NFL Week 11 [Peter King]
Stafford winning teammates over [The Morning Sun]
There's no doubt now: Stafford is strong enough to lead [Detroit Free Press]
In battle of the bottom, Lions and Browns play a thriller [MJD]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brady Quinn: Looks like someone else benefited from facing a porous secondary and a non-existent pass rush. When you can double your career touchdown total in one quarter, you know the only way to go is up. [Tribune Chronicle - Warren, OH]

San Diego Chargers: Remember when some idiot wrote that Denver had pretty much sewn up the AFC West and Josh McDaniels was the new George Halas? The term you're looking for is "short-sighted." [BroncoTalk]

Real Salt Lake: Why does a team from Utah have a Spanish name? And how does a team with a losing regular-season record win your league championship? (Oh, right. Penalty kicks.) [Salt Lake Tribune]

And who is the Weekend Loser? Anyone who enjoys picking on Charlie Weis. Remember ... if he gets fired, then you can't make fun of Charlie Weis anymore. (And Notre Dame might actually get better.) It's quite a catch, that Catch-22. [Sporting News]

The person who originally submitted the picture of this fight at Ford Field on Sunday, seemed to think that these two jokers were together and that the bare ass was just some jocularity that got out of hand. Not so, according to "Rick," the "Henry Rollins lookalike" turned Ford Field enforcer who wrote in last night to explain himself. (All emails sic'd of course.)

Hey guys how are you, the guy laying down the smack down on this drugg fool is me, he was touching my buddys wife, so I had to grab him and put him to sleep, you said you didnt want o come talk or take pics of me, Im not crazy, im cool,mi was just pissed off at his jerk is all. I went on wrif,drew and mike [Ed note: That's a morning radio show in Detroit.] had a blast, so if you want anymore or talk email me thanks guys Rick

After acknowledging his message, another response:

thanks buddy, we have been having a blast with this, and the guy was unknown, no one knew of him, he was acting like a fool from the begging and no one would do or say anything, but I did. the nurses there said he had no pulse and was purple, they went on wrif as well and was calling me out and saying i was wrong and could have killed him, i was just protecting my friends. Rick

But what happened to the pants?

honestly im not real sure, if you look at he pics I had my eyes on him, the only thing we came up with was when I grab him over his seat into the next seats, they got caught on the seats, it makes sense I guess,but I was too busy watching him, he was also on drugs nor drinking, he was way strong for a smaller frame guy, he was tall, but not real big, but moved like a fish out of water, alot of people ate this up as they said I like guys with their pants down,lol whatever, Im just me, helping out my buddys, but being a fighter,if you give a guy like this time to react, something bad will happen, thats why I took him right down and choked him until he passed out.

And one final discussion of the fallout.

whatever you see fit, you got the truth and what took place, Im getting some shit from some jerks on my facebook, god some people, you get a little bit of air play and people act like kids in school, there is few guys who want some of the photos autograph, its all fun. so write what you think, its your page, I will just follow up, do me good bro. rick

So there you go, people. It sounds like Rick did the right thing here, so stop harassing him on Facebook. (Of course, if The Assman has a different take on the situation, we'll be happy to print that as well.) Unfortunately "The Case of the Missing Drawers" may remain a mystery forever.

A couple Lions fans celebrated their team's historic victory with a spot of lower-bowl grab-ass that ended with the two of them re-enacting the Ned Beatty piggy scene from Deliverance. And Detroit was happy once again.

Jerry Jones sold 30,000 "party passes" for the regular-season debut of his new football palace, where, in a standing-room section, every passholder was treated to great views of 29,999 other passholders. The scene turned briefly into something out of Lord of the Flies. Sucks to your pass mar!

This lass had a message for Jesus Christ Football Star, and she wore it on her shirt. It's tough to see here, but please note the gray-haired lady in back, looking on in slowly dawning horror.

Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested for allegedly choking his girlfriend, Internet creature Tila Tequila. The case against Merriman was eventually dropped, but he was nonetheless tried and convicted in the high court of Tila Tequila's Twitter account.

A day after LeGarrette Blount decked Byron Hout, Dash made the persuasive argument that the smirking jackass who started it all got exactly what was coming to him.

The bold-face-type enthusiasts of Fire Joe Morgan reunited for one glorious day on our site and, afterward all that was left of poor Allen Barra was a couple mindlessly contrarian opinions and some hair.

Someone dug up an ancient video of a skeevy Cris Collinsworth in which he declared, absurdly: "I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit...high school girls love me. Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them." And then, even more absurdly, he apologized — and not for that Cosby sweater.

Football, as choreographed by Bob Fosse.

In a handicapped stall at Cowboy Stadium, a guy in a Michael Irvin jersey decided to do to a woman what Jerry Jones did to 30,000 fans with Party Passes. We got the video.

And, lastly, there are the Salisbury-Daulerio Letters, a correspondence that stretched across three batshit posts. It was, as AJ noted, the meltiest media meltdown of them all. Sean has not been heard from since. Nor have we heard from his attorneys and "powerful Pr firm .. from NYC." He is out there, though. Somewhere. I like to imagine him on a beach on South Padre, sipping a tall, fruity drink and pecking away at his ESPN tell-all, espn exposed. He nears the end of the book. He thinks for a moment. He considers a passing cloud. And then he taps out the last line, a line to rival them all — Fitzgerald, Hamlet, Bogie to Claude Rains. Sean Salisbury looks at the screen and smiles wryly. "Sent," it reads, "from my iPhone."

Reader T.R. sends in this report from Ford Field, where a Henry Rollins lookalike had no choice but to lay the pants down on his drunken "friend."

Something going on in the NE corner of Ford Field, last week was the girl brawl in section 121, this week was section 117. Four guys enter a few minutes late and quickly proceed to fight amongst themselves for reasons unknown. Beer is spilled and one individual is quickly detained by one of his 'friends' who decides that the best chance to stay in the game is to restrain his buddy (i.e. go all Couture and choke his ass out). During the struggle the victim's shorts come off and we are left with the unfortunate scene shown in the attached photo. Dude is unconscious, naked and slumped over the seats behind him. After the med staff took the victim out we wanted to get a photo with the choker but he had a very scary Adebisi vibe about him.

No, guys, I said you need to sell more Party Passes. So cold, so cold ...

UPDATE!: Ford Field Pants Dropper Can Totally Explain This

* * * * *

Speaking of parties, the Cowboys and Panthers will provide your Monday evening football entertainment. Open thread yourselves to death—and if you choose to do so with your drawers around your ankles, that's your right as a red-blooded American. I just hope you're doing it on your couch and not at Cowboys Stadium.

Thank you for continued support of Deadspin and comfortable sacks.

In any other season, this is just two less than mediocre teams playing out the string. (Yes, in Week 3.) But the Lions did not have a horrific collapse this time. Their quarterback was competent and—dare I say it?—poised. (But Matt ... please don't stick your tongue out like that again. Ever.) Their defense managed a couple of decent stops. Tackles were made, passes were not dropped and Detroit is 1-2. Huzzah!

I don't think anyone in Detroit believes that this "changes everything." This team is still a long way from being decent. This is not the start of a meteoric rise to a Super Bowl dynasty. There will be many more setbacks before the year is out. (And William Clay Ford is not suddenly redeemed. Or "classy".) But for the first time in the two years, the Lions and their fans can be the ones to say, "At least we're not those guys." (The Redskins are doing some serious soul searching today and probably aren't finding much to look at.)

The moral of the story, as always, is don't invite Tom Cruise to hang out on your sideline before the game. It only makes your mission more impossibler.

Mitch Albom: Blacked out, knocked down … Lions arise! [Detroit Free Press]
Detroit revels in rare chance to rejoice [Washington Times]
Lions finally get 'King Kong' off their back [Dan Wetzel]
Detroit Lions Get First Win Since 2007! [Sports Climax]
Washington Football: The Ultimate Story Line Victims [Stet Sports]
Game's On. Will Tom Cruise Jinx it? [NBC Washington]
[Photo via Detroit Free Press]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Tim Tebow: Is there any way "The Immaculate Headache" doesn't increase his legend tenfold? The man cured swine flu! [TimTeblog]

Iowa Hawkeyes: Actually, they win any weekend where the schedule reads "Penn State." It's required by the Patriot Act. [Black Heart Gold Pants]

Kevin Kolb: First quarterback in NFL history to throw for 300+ yards in each of his first two career starts. Why don't you write a press release about that, PETA? [Sporting News]

BCS Haters: Boise State is now ranked fifth in both polls. Paging LeGarrette Blount! [USA Today]

Phil Mickelson: In your face, cancer. [Telegraph]

1. Do we really need to go through this exercise with this team? Even Detroit fans will tell you the Lions suck. It's not something that needs to be proven in the least. The Lions' suckiness is out in the open for all to see, undeniable. Their suckiness stretches out from Michigan and rolls far across the open plains. From West Cost to East, from the top of the Rocky Mountains to bottom of the Florida swamps, the inherent shittiness of the Detroit Lions is one of the few great American certainties. It is an eternal fixture of our existence. The Detroit Lions exist in a permanent, everlasting state of suck. You see Lions fans in the bars from time to time, and you see them wearing their Barry Sanders jerseys, with their stubbly black goatees, and you can see in their eyes the hope that they might one day finally muster the courage to grow indifferent to this team and all the horrible ways it fucks them in the ass every fall. They WANT to not give a shit, their steadfast devotion to the team not a sign of loyalty and integrity, but rather a glaring weakness, a spineless willingness to take shovelful after shovelful of freshly laid shit right in the fucking mouth. That said…

2. I'm not sure we really gave 0-16 its rightful due. When the Lions bowed out to the Packers 31-21 to close out last season, the loss merited a typical game recap on NFL Countdown, along with Big Fat Asshole Berman noting the 0-16 and saying, "Well, no one wanted to see it happen." Then he moved on. WHAT A CROCK. This was fucking history in the making and it got sloughed off like it was no big deal. Oh, it was a big goddamn deal, I say. You know how many historically shitty teams there were in NFL history that still managed to NOT go 0-16? Think of Kotite's Jets. Think of Rod Rust's Patriots. Or Cam Cameron's Dolphins. Those were all brutally bad teams, yet all of them managed to scrape out one win somewhere along the line. Not only did the Lions go 0-16, but they only had two games (Week 6 at the Vikings, Week 9 at the Bears) where they had a legitimate shot of coming anywhere close to winning. They lost their home games by an average of 21.4 points. They lost by ten or more points ten times, 20 or more points five times. They gave up the second most points in NFL history. Their offense was 30th in the league overall, their defense 32nd. Imagine if a pro baseball team or a basketball team ever went through an entire year without winning a game. You'd be fucking blown away by that, wouldn't you? No one could lose 82 or 162 straight games. Well, I'm telling you, if last year's Lions had been a basketball team, they would have gone 0-82. They represented one of the lowest levels of achievement ever in the realm of professionally staged athletics. Movies should be made. HBO specials should be produced. Books should be written. If the Pats had gone 19-0 in 2007, would you rather have read a book about their triumph, or read a book about the Lions wallowing in the gutter last year? It's no contest. Losing on that scale is fucking FASCINATING.

3. $41 million buys you Fun Boy up there. I'm glad the Lions drafted someone with a big arm to throw Megatron's way. But apart from physical skills, is there anything about Matt Stafford that gives you hope? He was never all that great at Georgia, and he doesn't come close to keeping the sort of low profile someone like Matt Ryan did before entering the league. For $41 million, the guy needs to be perfect AND give you a free handjob after every game. I'm not seeing it. You people are screwed.

4. More stories of racism! I went to Michigan for a semester once. This was just when the Fab Five had left and five new recruits had come in. One kid down the hall and I were playing NHL '94 one day when we got to talking about the team's propects.

Me: They could be good this year.

Guy: I don't know. I think they just play nigger ball.

Me: What?

Guy: Oh, I'm not racist. I'm just saying they play nigger ball, that's all.

Me: (stunned, horrified, loses innocence)

Keep in mind this guy had a BRUTAL Michigan accent (people with bad Michigan accents sound like Charlie Brown's fucking teacher). Horrible racism isn't half as charming coming with a Michigan accent attached.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

In the sneak peek of the interview released by ESPN, Rogers tells Hill he smoked marijuana on a daily basis, then became addicted to painkillers after breaking his collarbone twice, in 2003 and 2004. Wow, weed AND painkillers? Just call him Ricky Favre.

In 2005, Rogers flunked his third drug test with the NFL, and was obligated to return $10 million of his $14.2 million signing bonus to the Lions. Rogers was cut by the Lions in 2006 and never played in the NFL again, going to jail last December for violating probation stemming from a domestic violence arrest. Watch this interview even casually, and it would appear as though Rogers is STILL baked. In fact, the geniuses over at Tirico Suave have already noticed this and parodied it in record time with the video below.

The funniest part of the interview is when they cut to that fucking retard shitbox Matt Millen. "Something clearly was wrong." Think so, Einstein?

And then he showed some of those Matthew Stafford partying pictures, with the bikinis and the boobs and such! "The entire room burst into laughter," which is the first time that sentence has been written about a room in Detroit since 1993.

Before anyone knew quite what was happening, according to a source familiar with the Lions organization, the laughter quickly transformed into uncontrollable, hysterical weeping. At press time everyone reported feeling much better, but they were secretly filled with mounting, uncontrollable dread.

my friend and i from uga were just talking about this the other night. stafford... took [his girlfriend] and a whole bunch of friends from highland park to the bahamas for the 4th.

Lions QB Matt Stafford ...is in Lake St. Clair Michigan.

Pics came from "Cocktail Cove" on Lake Lanier in Georgia. It's about 30 minutes north of Atlanta. Someone I knew from school was photographed with him in the identical shades / trunks over July 4th weekend and went straight to Facebook with pride (presumably barking while uploading).

Judging by the photo, I'm pretty sure they're at Cedar Creek Lake, a large body of water about 45 minutes east of Dallas where affluent Highland Park locals purchase opulent lakehouses and allow their children to drink from the ubiquitous Red Cup. Stafford's been back in Dallas this summer, they had a place down there in high school, it stands to reason. It's not a lock and it's utterly boring, but what the hell do you want from me?

Four tips, four different guesses. Maybe Stafford was in all of those places. Or none. It's a mystery!

The visualization of the inside of Sarah Palin's mind: "Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports... basketball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I'm doing that - keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities - smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball - for victory." This is what that looks like.

Matthew Stafford, No. 1 pick extraordinaire, sure is having fun on his summer break.

Hey, more Detroit Lions! Who wants to re-live 16 losses in a row? Someone!

Before we witnessed the letdown of LeBrondunkgate, we were led to believe that the throwdown was "as good as it could've been hyped up to be." Insert Zapruder witticism here.

And then TMZ pays $3,000 for the tape before we put out a $10k bounty. Thanks for saving us some cash.

In a meltdown of epic proportions — even for Mad Dog's standards — Christopher Russo admits he needs to find a staff of little Mad Dogs, not little Bow-Wows: "We are the Washington Nationals. Check that: We are the Washington Generals." If only they knew something about the cast of Gone With The Wind.

How athletes are spending their summer vacations: the gallery version. This, folks, is intrepid journalism.

A woman files a civil suit against Ben Roethlisberger, alleging that he sexually assaulted her. ESPN sits on the story for 36 hours.

On July 4, Steve McNair is found shot to death in a Nashville apartment.

If you're reading this, you already know.

Anyway, we were all kind of grumpy that the Army went back on their promise to let Campbell take a shot at the NFL, but on the flip side, he was spared a season on the worst team in NFL history. He is still not being allowed to pursue his football dream, but the Army is allowing him the chance to join an outfit with an equally impressive record of futility—the U.S. Olympic bobsled team.

Caleb has been training at Lake Placid to be the brakeman on the four-man squad, a spot once held by such illustrious NFL heroes as Herschel Walker and Willie Gault. So why can he be an Olympian, but not a Lion? Who knows? Why does the Army do any of the things that it does? With two medals since 1956, our armed forces are still training this guy to be perpetually disappointed by his teammates. Wait ... is that why he needs to be an Army of One?

Caleb Campbell: Army Soldier, NFL Draftee ... Olympic Bobsledder? [Clay Travis/Fanhouse]

I wouldn't normally single out an individual opinion piece for criticism (because if anyone did that to me, I'd be ruined), but ... come on. Why would anyone defend Matt Millen? How could anyone defend Matt Millen? The thesis revolves around the fact that Millen has been hired to do color commentary for the NFL Network, which will keep him steadily employed by football despite that fact that he appears to know nothing about football. He is unquestionably the worst GM of all time. However, Banks is actually happy to seem him back in the booth and thinks his star will rise again, somehow rendering my previous sentence irrelevant.

His model for Millen's redemption? Richard Milhous Nixon.

I know it all sounds a bit preposterous right now, predicting a comeback before he's even done his penance. But when I think of Millen, I just get the feeling he's got a shot to become something of the Richard Nixon of the NFL, picking up the pieces of a colossal failure and re-emerging to prominence at some point in the future. Dare we say it, perhaps even an eventual return to power in some team's personnel department?

First of all, he has not served any penance. He was unemployed for two months and then his friends gave him a job. That's part of the problem. Second, let's clear up the matter of whether Matt Millen was a good broadcaster. May I quote the esteemed Dr. Magary?

The whole reason Matt Millen was laughed at when he started out in Detroit was because EVERYONE FUCKING HATED HIM AS A BROADCASTER. He took John Madden's broadcasting style and somehow managed to make even more inane, spawning a legion of similar broadcasters in the process. Wanna know where fucking Bill Maas came from? MILLEN. Mark fucking Schlereth? MILLEN. Any shithead analyst that has nothing to say outside of, "I tell you one thing, Eli Manning is a COMPETITOR"? MILLEN.

That's all Matt Millen's doing. Why the FUCK would anyone bring him back to TV, especially in light of what he did to the Lions? The man has all the credibility of fucking InventHelp. And anyone who tells you, "Hey, Millen was actually an okay broadcaster!" is fucking wrong.

Every word of that quote is true. (Especially the ones in all caps.) Millen led the revolution of Madden clones that infect our sports world today. Rising to the top of the Fox Sports chain is proof of mediocrity, not greatness. The most hated color men in baseball are Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan, Fox and ESPN's No. 1 guys respectfully. Millen was terrible. The end.

But back to Nixon. He was the vice-president in 1960, lost the presidential election to John Kennedy, lost a governor's race in 1962 and everyone assumed his political career was dead and buried. Then all of the sudden, it's 1969 and he's the President of the United States. An amazing turnaround, right?

Then he became the most corrupt and hated man to ever hold that office and was forced to resign in shame. Maybe Banks didn't read all the way to the end of the history book, but Nixon's second act was actually worse than the first one! If everyone had remembered in 1968 how awful the guy was in 1960, the world would be a better place right now.

When I said that Banks was comparing Millen to Nixon, didn't you assume he meant post-Watergate Nixon, since that historic debacle is the only thing that could possibly compare to the failure of the Detroit Lions? Nope. Banks is saying that Millen has even bigger failures ahead of him. Oh joy.

In the end, I quess I actually agree with Banks. I can see Millen resurrecting his career the way Nixon did ... and then he will perpetrate one of the worst crimes imaginable on the citizenry of this country. The ARE exactly alike. Millen proved it in his phone interview with Banks:

"You're not going to believe this,'' said Millen, laughing heartily. "But one of my favorite shirts I have — in fact, I have it on right now — has a picture of Dick Nixon on it,

The man is wearing a Richard Nixon shirt RIGHT NOW! It's his FAVORITE!! He's a Nixon BUFF!! GRAAHAHA CAPS LOCK!!! STOP DEFENDING THIS MAN!!!!

I hate you all so much right now.

Matt Millen tries to remake image after Detroit Lions debacle [Don Banks - SI]

And it won't cost them much. Just $72 million. (Oh, but it won't be that much. Don't worry!)

Rumor has it that the Lions took Stafford because his scouting report said that his name could be re-arranged to spell "Ford Farts," which is too hilarious not too draft him, despite naysayers who project that Stafford doesn't have two "R"s in his last name. Lions general manager Martin Mayhew would likely call those reports "pessimistic" and "without merrit."

In all reality, nobody's going to give Mayhew a pass because he was basically Matt Millen's right hand man during the entire decade. (I really hope everybody knows this. The Lions couldn't win a single game and they still didn't clean house. They just promoted from within. Corner. TURNED!) But no matter who he picked today, people would probably raise eyebrows, so it's best to reserve all judgment on the Stafford selection until, let's say, five years, when the Lions release Stafford and look to draft another franchise quarterback.

Lions Show How Much They Value Stafford [Detroit Free Press]