What's with you people and crudely drawn, superimposed penii on your football broadcasts? Within minutes of this little number popping up during last night's Ole Miss/LSU Klan Bowl, three separate readers all felt the urge to rewind their DVR, photograph it, and send it in, all within a ten-minute span of each other. (Props to reader Zan for being first by 90 seconds, and for giving his e-mail the subject line "PEN 15."

Something so geometrically simple is bound to emerge, especially to a brain that millions of years of evolution has conditioned to seek pattens. Of course the analyst is going to circle a player or players who did something notable; there's your ballsack. And of course the analyst is going to draw a horizontal line indicating where that player moves to. Add a second, parallel line to show him doubling back, or even just for emphasis, and there's your shaft.

What is it about telestrator dongs that so speaks to the human, or at least male, spirit? Is it the combination of our most testosterone-infused sport with our most testosterone-influenced organ? Perhaps it's a desire to reconnect with our boyhoods, now so remote in our memories, when an inadvertant sexually-charged reference in an inappropriate setting would never fail to elicit titters. Or maybe it's just that legions of comedians are correct when they say that we think with our penis.

One thing's for certain; telestrator dong will never stop being funny.

•••••

Another Sunday spent with you, my Internet friends. Buy some chips and salsa, put the beer on ice, and let's be on the lookout for vaguely penis-shaped drawings atop our football players.

Just because I'm aware that today, ladies and gentleman, will be a dong-filled day of lore here over at the old Deadspin, I figured we'd start the morning out with the Vikings Vishante Shiancoe who gained some prime time notoriety on MNF by scoring a touchdown. But wait — one one-eyed-eyed reader points out that it appears HD captured the most famous member of Shiancoe's entourage rustling in his pants. You cannot stop the Shiancoesaurus — you can only hope to partially contain it in tight-fitting white pants.

****

And good morning. It's almost Friday. How's your stomach? Any better? Hope so. Trombones please.

Normally, when people send us images like this and say "Ha ha, isn't that funny?", my usual reaction tends to be that it says more about the person who sent it than the person who created it. It's like a Rorschach test that confirms that you're a simple-minded perv. But this one? Yep ... that's a penis all right.

Randy Cross is the artist who penned this telestrator wang and I'm not saying that his high school notebooks were filled with dong drawings, but sometimes the subconscious knows more than we'd like to let on. Or else he just wants to take a virtual whizz all over the city of Foxborough. Either way.

* * * * *

Finally Friday. Dig deep and sprint to the finish.

And even if Dwight Howard's Superman cock wasn't the one being flopped out of a pair of long red workout shorts, it's probably for the best. Because even though the flaccid penis in the photo is about the size of a geoduck, it's still not large enough for some of the extremely picky and colorful Media Takeout readership. Let's go to their comments!:

• "Nautsygirl" says: "NICE....I WOULD HAVE GUSSED IT WOULD'VE BEEN BIGGER"

• "Supermodel candy"says: "smh his big toe is bigger than that [EXPLETIVE].. smh.. where his d*ck at?"

• "STS" says: too small for his body size!! my lips are even bigger than that!

• hollihoodstr says: "DAMMMMNNNNN.....THE ONLY THING THT TURNED ME OFF WAS THE FACT THT HIS PUBIC HAIRS OR PEZZZZYYY AS HELL.....MTO.....SMFH!!!!"

Pezzy?

Pass-catching dongs, to be specific. Lots of crossing pattern dongs.

There was Visante Shiancoe, who was confident enough to ask a female reporter "How'd it look?"

There was Chris Cooley's inexplicable decision to post a picture of his Lil' Cooley on his Web site.

And, of course, Santonio Holmes, who, after his Photo Of Fun was released, never did anything else with his life, ever ever ever nope.

Quite a collection.

But is it it enough to get them in the Hall of Fame? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through the weekend.

MLB dong? If so, that's very Bill Ripkenesque. Who marks their bats that way? "Hey Francoeur, that's my bat; can't you see the cock on the handle? Yours has the tits!"

One can only hope Topps has the good sense to put this on a card.

The 80th Scripps National Spelling Bee contestants are currently locked in their rooms, furiously poring over gigantic dictionaries, compiling flash cards and memorizing prefixes and root words in preparation for the May 30 competition. This leaves no free time for these youngsters; instead of spending weekends reading Russian translation of Ulysses or conducting molecule splicing experiments with household cleaning products, they'll be spending late nights watching tapes of past Bees and spouting off the language of origin for "appoggiatura."

Of course, this event would be better served to be covered next week, just a few short days away from the competition. However, with it being Memorial Day weekend, combined with your already spotty afternoon attention spans, it was decided that a good portion of the Deadspin readership would probably be completely shit-hammered drunk by next Friday at 2:35. So, why bother? No, instead, next week's column will be an even less inspired assemblance of tenuous sports-related narrative, telegraphed dick jokes and deep-rooted racism presented under the thin veil of "satire." Working topics include "Who's the Next Black Dude to Get Shot?"; "Which Soccer Player Does David Hirshey Really Want to Blow?", "Which Commenters Have Ever Rubbed One Out During a Deadspin Up All Night Sesssion?" or "Ah...Fuck It?" And then I'll probably try to set the all-time record for random tags in one post. Get excited.

The Spelling Bee also has some personal meaning to me. Two years ago, during the 2005 competition, was my first week at the former Gawker gambling blog, Oddjack. The month before that, I'd somehow become overseer/editor without a rabid interest in sports gambling, a genuine dislike of professional poker and only about three weeks of training or basic blog publishing software. Hence, the first week consisted mainly of Spelling Bee posts with laughable PhotoShop accompaniment and pictures of dead animals. Why, oh why, did it ever fail?

So, this week, I'm waking up the ghost of Blop-o-Nartus, throwing an arm around a bespectacled little wunderkind, and placing odds on the winners of the 2007 Scripps Howard Spelling Bee.

Let's go beat up some smott kids, after this jump.

Samir Gupta: 3/1

Samir's known for his red sweatshirts, his dandruff and his superstitions about showering regularly during tournament time. A cocky fucker, it was reported that after Samir received his trophy at the El Paso Times Bee, he smiled and said there wasn't a single word at the regional competition that he couldn't spell. Yeah, bring that attitude to D.C., and Gupta might be carted out on a stretcher. Click. Clack.

Anqi Dong: 2/1

Anqi "Beer Can" Dong makes his third appearance to the Scripps showdown, bringing with him a rabid, Dong-loving fanbase all the way from Canada, giving him a slight advantage over the other contestants. Catch him during the offseason, and you'll find an affable, charming young man who worships Charles Babbage, shreds on his oboe and dreams of building a 21st Century Super Computer out of a toaster and digital watch. Once on stage, it's a different story; Dong transforms himself into a snot-shooting, spellbound minotaur, who intimidates other opponents with high leg kicks and gutteral yelps.

Cody Wang: 4/1

It's not a Spelling Bee without a Wang, and this year's Wang is named Cody. Another Canuck, Wang trounced through the Can West Can Spell Regional Tournament, by nailing "infructuous" after a four-and-a-half hour competition. He credited his victory to the support he gets from his family, his friends and, most important, his homemade robot, Zorflax, who's been his main support system and his only social contact in his 12 years of existence. Although the crowd is praying for a Wang/Dong final round, Wang's still a baby at the Scripps and his hyperhydrosis problem could prove costly if he makes it to the televised round.

Maheen Rana: 1/2

This California lexicon lassie is also a repeat champion and makes her third appearance at Scripps bring with her an impressive resume that includes leisure time activities like flute-playing, sewing and a love of geography. In fact, Rana's geographic prowess is so strong, she'll sometimes warm up by spouting off the GNP of Belarus or spelling the cities of Uzbekistan in order of population — backwards. But don't be fooled by her mousy demeanor and her giant eyebrows, for Rana's a fierce competitor who is rumored to wear war paint on her face using the blood of suckling pigs she sacrifices backstage.

Samir Patel: 1/3

The tiny brown titan, Patel makes his fourth appearance this year, after strong finishes each of the last three years and winning over the hearts of a national audience with his squeaky voice, magnetic smile and his diminutive, Owen Meany-esque stature. Patel was criticized a bit last year after getting bounced early and bawling like a little bitch on national television, but he's still beloved by everyone. This is probably his last year of competition and he'll be the sentimental favorite to win — and this year he might just do it. A victory will make him an international phenomenon and possibly a Hollywood superstar. Or Bollywood, rather.