"You threw a knife at my head." "But You caught it." "But you threw a knife at my head!"

"Kristy Swanson was assaulted by Lloyd Eisler's ex wife, Marcia O'Brien, while walking from the passenger seat to give her four month old son a pacifier," stated a release from Michael Sands, spokesperson for Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler.

Oh, and the kid's name? Magnus. And suddenly Tonya Harding, a fat hit guy and a metal pipe seem so childish.

Kristy Swanson Arrested Over Spat With Eisler's Ex [CTV, via Fark]

The fine folks at OutSports directed us to a contest figure skater Johnny Weir was hosting on his Web site: Submit your Johnny Weir poems! Johnny himself picked out the winner, from a Netherlands woman named Renate Linnenkoper. (Which, by the way, is Dutch for "Kordell Stewart.") Here's an excerpt:

And on that ice, a figure stands
His face framed by raven strands
His visage adorned by hazel eyes
Reminiscent of lover's feverish goodbyes

That is truly the best poem we've read today that was written by a person with greater-than-but-not-equal-to six unicorn tattoos.

Weir's Poetry Winner [OutSports]

Evgeni Plushenko won the gold medal in men's figure skating earlier this year, and as this video proves, when you win the gold medal, you can pretty much do whatever you want after that.

We think this video just made us 15 percent more gay. Yipes.

Sex Bomb [YouTube]

More Peggy Fleming than Renee Fleming, "Tonya and Nancy" follows the lines of "Jerry Springer — The Opera," a London hit based on the equally lowbrow world of daytime talk TV. Al-Doory takes the well-known rivalry between the skaters and recasts it as one in which they both struggle to overcome personal troubles and public perception.

The show premiered last night and runs 40 minutes, which is our kind of opera! We think this is a logical next step in the merging of the worlds of opera and figure skating. As they say, it's not over until the fat lady sings.

Skating Scandal Made Into Opera [Boston.com]

When Weir gave his famous "the establishment can't handle me" speech, we thought he was overreaching a little bit. But a reader tells us that the U.S. figure skating "establishment" really might have some serious problems with Weir ... and is feeling its repercussions.

The new brochure and website for the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, to be held next January in Spokane Washington, are out now, and there is quite a glaring admission. Although reigning Men's National Champion, a title he has held for the last three years, Johnny Weir is not mentioned or pictured anywhere on either entity. The website bears the stamp 'Sanctioned by U.S. Figure Skating" in the lower left corner; it looks like the United States Figure Skating Association is trying to send quite a message, to both the public and to Weir himself, apparently, by omitting him from advertising for the championships. Every other major skater is included: Kwan (who didn't compete at the Olympics, Worlds or the 2006 Nationals), Cohen, Meisner, Belbin & Agosto, and of course their fair-haired boy Evan Lysacek.

Word within skating circles is that the USFSA is hoping to replace Weir as mens representative for the sport with Lysacek, whom they deem more 'socially acceptable', regardless of the fact that he is nowhere near the artist or technician that Weir is. I can't think of another sport where authorities have this kind of power over the career of the athlete regardless of their talent and record.

Johnny Weir Has Had It Up To Here With Your "Rules" [Deadspin]

The thought then occurred to us that the CITGO Bassmaster Classic begins tonight. So we went to the Ali G Translator to get his take on bass fishing strategy for the tournament:

da weatha conditions will determine ow anglers fish and it's goin to change day to day. Sightfishin is goin to be a facta, as is pitchin soft plastics and sinkin baits dig a gulf minnow. Soft jerk baits, buzzbaits, possibly even jerkbaits, all of these baits is gonna be a factor. wich one is gonna be the winnin pattern, innit yet to be checked.

Ali G. Translator [Da Ali G Show]
Respect the Other Sacha Cohen [The Sports Pulse]
Legendary Anglers Head 2006 CITGO Bassmaster Classic Field [Fishing World]

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the absolute worst the Web has to offer: Tonya Harding slash fiction. It's a whole message board devoted to sexual fantasies about Tonya Harding. Some things you see that you cannot unsee.

You know what's even worse about this? This is actually a section of Harding's official site. It appears this has been around for a while; perhaps nobody pointed it out before because they were in favor of the world remaining a warm, hospitable place. Alas.

Tonya Harding Fantasy [TonyaHarding.com]

The Washington Post accompanies Johnny Weir on a shopping trip in Torino, and it is mind-blowing. I highly recommend giving it a read, because, if you're like me, you're never going to experience anything

like this in your life. To me, it feels almost like reading about someone climbing Mount Everest. I just can't relate. Some quick facts from Johnny's shopping trip:

• He spent $1330 in two hours.
• His favorite item of clothing is a Roberto Cavalli beaver-and-python coat.
• Johnny believes that in a former life he was a young Polish girl during the holocaust.
• He owns 103 pairs of sunglasses, which he keeps in a drawer and polishes regularly.
• His cell phone has three fur tails hanging off of it, two of them beaver, and one of them mink (again with the beaver... it's like he's trying to convince himself of something).
• His feelings are hurt when he sees designer knock-offs.

I'm really starting to think he might be gay.

[Drop Till You Shop] Washington Post

(Update: Yes, she's 21. My math stinks. She looks 12, though. Spank away until the socks are gone, gentlemen.)

Sasha Cohen [NBC Olympics]

Outsports.com brings us this tale of a guy hanging out at somewhere in Kansas, observing other middle-aged blue-collared Kansans admiring the powerful hindquarters of Johnny Weir. There's talk of blind taylors, a skater's points being too high, and glute work. It sounds like a conversation that could've been taken place in any hair salon, or poodle grooming shop in America.

I think this might be the key to opening up a little more gay acceptance in America: tie sports to it. If there's a sporting event involved, even rugged Kansans have no trouble critiquing sequined outfits, Evgeni Plushenko's lack of artistry, and the strong backsides of the world's best figure skaters. Anyone out there who's thinking of organizing a gay pride parade, stop and turn it into a gay pride race. I think hairy middle aged guys in leather chaps and ball-gags would be perfectly acceptable to society, as long as they were throwing shot-putts or driving race cars.

Weir Connects in Kansas [Outsports.com]

"Buses had been coming every 10 minutes all week, but they changed the schedule to every half hour today, I guess. I didn't want to wait until nine o'clock because then I wouldn't get there until 9:15 or 9:20. Which is what happened anyway. I was yelling at people in English and they only spoke Italian."

"I never felt comfortable in this building. I didn't feel my inner peace. I didn't feel my aura. I was black inside."

You know, I've always felt that there wasn't enough diversity (at least, racial diversity) in American figure skating. It warms my heart to know that Johnny Weir is at least a little bit African on the inside. I think Jason Williams often feels the same way.

The Olympics seem a little more drab, a little more dreary, now that Johnny is done. Unlike countryman Bode Miller, he at least seems to care that he didn't perform well. I'm not ready for Johnny to go away yet. Maybe it's not too late to get him into a two-man luge team, something that you'd have to think he might enjoy, just a little bit.

Meltdown of the Ambiguously Gay Male Figure Skater [The Sports Pulse]
Weir falters, finishes 5th [Baltimore Sun]
Jason Williams Bio [NBA.com]

Men's Figure Skating [Torino 2006]
Johnny Weir is Very, Very Flexible [Gawker]

"I know that a lot of people, especially the more Republican-style people, are very afraid of what I mean to the sport and what I'm going to say, what kind of revolutionary, crazy things are going to come out of my mouth. Good for them, they should be scared."

OutSports points out that while this interview was going on, "What A Girl Wants" was playing on Weir's car stereo. They also chime in with this observation about the closet world of figure skating:

As he walked out of the arena Tuesday night, he looked at the camera seductively, then shimmied his shoulders while throwing his head back. If Weir, 21, is not gay, then neither are we.

We also enjoyed Weir's heart-sprinkled sweater with Matt Lauer this morning, though something bewildered us: Weir said that the Olympics were the first time his father and brother had ever seen him skate in international competition. That made us sad, somehow.

Why Johnny Weir Rocks [OutSports]
Johnny Weir Livens Up Staid Sport Of Men's Figure Skating [San Jose Mercury News]

(UPDATE: Our sisters and brothers at Gawker have dug up video of Johnny, because they're better at this than we are.)

It's cool that she pulled out when she did. She deserved the chance to give it one more go, she got that chance, and it didn't work out. She made the decision to withdraw after just two practices in Torino when she could've waited until a week later to make the call.

So in steps Emily Hughes, with a chance to be Tom Brady to Michelle Kwan's Drew Bledsoe. As an alternate, it was her responsibility to stay prepared and keep her game sharp. Let's hope she did.

After being handed a spot on the Olympic team by virtue of a medical exemption, Michelle Kwan is now considering giving up her spot all together. She had a practice where she was falling down like Bob Huggins after a party at Frank Solich's house. She said she wasn't feeling well after spending four hours standing in the cold last night.

Kwan is a nine-time U.S. champion, a five-time world champion, and a two-time Olympic medalist. She's like the Brett Favre of figure skating, except cuter and more Asian. I think she deserves every opportunity to see if she can get her body and mind right to make another go.

She has until the 19th to make an official decision, and if she decides not to go, Emily Hughes would jump into her spot; a spot that she might just deserve anyway. Best of luck to whoever does end up donning the sequins for the red, white, and blue.

Washed up at 25? [The Sports Frog]

We were playing around on Weir's official site this morning, and we found all kinds of info that pretty much secures he's going to be the most entertaining athlete to watch, for better or worse. Some highlights:

• Of his 10 favorites songs, five are by Christina Aguilera.
• He counts Moulin Rouge, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Velvet Goldmine and The Bodyguard as his favorite films.
• His favorite comedian is Margaret Cho.
• His favorite books are "The Devil Wears Prada" and Nicole Richie's "The Truth About Diamonds."
• He loves polar bears.
• His signature quote: "People ask if I'm in love with you, cause I'm sitting here with your picture and smiling to myself. I'm kinda lost in my thoughts of you, my heart speaks before my mind thinks through and I blush as I say yes." — Christina Aguilera

Honestly, nothing new here. We found the same things surfing through Rulon Gardner's official site.

Johnny Weir's Favorites [Figure Skaters Online]
Let The Games, And The Fussing, Begin [Deadspin]

(AOL's Sports Bloggers Live has a most enjoyable interview with Weir.)

I am very princessy as far as travel is concerned and having a nice room and things like that. Sorry to say princessy. But that s what we do.

Was it:
A. Brett Favre;
B. Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura;
C. U.S. men's skate champion Johnny Weir.

For those who guessed 'A,' congratulations. No wait, sorry. It was 'C.' Weir, the three-time U.S. men's figure skating champion, arrived in Turin on Tuesday and immediatly gave a Nicky Hilton-style thumbs down to the Olympic Village accomodations. "I hate carrying my own luggage, and I hate trekking up stairs," he said. "I like a nice bed to be laid out for me. So it s not any of that. It s not very comfortable."

Not quite as inspiring as "Swifter, Higher, Stronger," but it may catch on.

By the way, not surprisingly, the folks at OutSports are big fans of Weir, compiling some of his more out-RAGE-ous! statements. Love it!

Weir Says He Won't Stop Being 'Princessy' [MSNBC]
Weir Tells It Like It Is [OutSports]

Confused about Olympic figure skating? Can't tell a double salchow from a layback spin? Congratulations — you're a normal, adult male. Now let's go hunting.

No, wait, that's all very wrong and we're sorry. Bring those ski and snowboard officials over here when they're done with Bode and we'll apologize to them as well, if you wish. What we meant to say was, if you'd like to learn more about figure skating, why not head over to this helpful interactive at MSNBC, where top animators have recreated the skating basics. You can peruse several different skating moves, and operate them with the click of a button. Inevitably, though, we encountered flaws:

1. In the animations, no one ever falls. That's our favorite part.
2. No music. We believe it was Winston Churchill who once said: what's an Olympics without the theme from Cats?
3. A conspicuous lack of sequins.
4. How about an animation of two skaters sitting on a bench, panting, as they are handed flowers? That would have been pleasant.
5. A nice touch would have been a tiny sign in the crowd that read "Fire Millen."

Figure Skating Basics [MSNBC]

Yesterday, Kwan announced that she's skipping the U.S. championships because of an injury, and since those usually are how one, you know, qualifies for the Olympics, she's petioning to be included. And why is it so vital for Kwan to make it into this particular Olympics? Two reasons:

1. She's very old. Well, she's 26. In women's figure skating years, that translates to about 2,384.
2. She always chokes in the Olympics.

No, seriously. In any other sport, Michelle Kwan would be known as the biggest choke artist around. This is a woman who has been at the absolute top of her field for nearly a decade, yet every time the Olympics comes around, she gags and blows it. The last Olympics, jeez, the judges were begging her to win; all she had to do is not fall down. And, whaddya know, she fell. (And even that probably would have been OK had Sarah Hughes not come around.)

If figure skating had the rabid, bloodthirsty fans of other sport, Michelle Kwan would be Bill Buckner combined with Rick Ankiel. Therefore, we support Kwan's bid to return to the Olympics; we love it when skaters fall down. That's the only part we like, actually.

Kwan's Move A Big Gamble [ESPN]

Thing about Kwan is, well, she always gags in the Olympics. She's always favored, everyone's rooting for her to win — including, usually, the judges — and she has a tendency to, you know, fall down. If Kwan played baseball, she'd be Bill Buckner. We won't lie: The only time we like figure skating is when they fall down and their dreams are shattered, so yeah, we guess we kind of like Michelle Kwan too.

(By the way, Kwan loses big points for making her announcement on the "Today" show.)

Kwan Decides She'll Go For Gold in '06 [Chicago Tribune]