To get you up to speed, before he was scheduled to testify against Landis in his suspension hearing, former Tour de France champion Greg LeMond — a longtime anti-doping advocate — claimed that a friend of Landis called and threatened him the night before. What was the threat about?

Well, it appears in an earlier time, Landis and LeMond were such good buddies that they shared deep secrets. Landis confessed to LeMond that, well, he'd kind of cheated by blood doping. And LeMond shared with Landis that he had been sexually abused by an uncle as a child. Landis, being a good Mennonite, decided to use this information against Lemond, having the friend call him and claim they would give up the information that "LeMond's uncle and they would play 'hide the weenie.'" This is really what the friend said. (He even admitted it later in the day.)

LeMond decided to go public with his "secret" anyway, testifying against Landis, burying him in the process. (Justifiably, if you ask us.) And a cycling trial turned into daytime television. "Hide the weenie." Jesus.

By the way, Greg LeMond has now been molested by his uncle and shot. Life's more difficult for bicyclists than we ever imagined, apparently.

The Floyd Landis Case Just Exploded [Steroid Nation]

But it was not to be.

The AFLD had been expected to rule, but agreed to an appeal by Landis to postpone their decision until after the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency rules in May, AFLD president Pierre Bordry said. The AFLD will resume its discussion of the case in late June. The decision came after Landis pledged not to race in France in 2007, Bordry said in a statement he read to reporters in Paris.

So anyway, if Landis is drummed out, the new champ is Spaniard Oscar Pereiro Sio, who finished second in the event and has said recently that he already considers himself the winner. We would like to congratulate Mr. Pereiro, and offer him our, um ... wait. Damn it. ...

On January 18, 2007, French newspaper Le Monde reported that Pereiro has also tested positive during the 2006 Tour de France. It is alleged that salbutamol was found in two urine samples, produced after stages 14 (Mont limar — Gap, in which Pereiro finished 26th) and 16 (Bourg-d'Oisans — La Toussuire, 3rd place). In the latter stage, Pereiro retook the yellow jersey from Landis.

Oookay. Moving right along folks, please welcome your 2006 Tour de France winner, Andreas Kl den.

Needless to say, this could go on for awhile.

Landis Opts Out Of Tour, Ruling Delayed [MSNBC]
Oscar Pereiro [Wikipedia]

Spain's Oscar Pereiro, the runner-up in last year's Tour de France, reportedly tested positive twice during the race for an asthma drug. The French daily Le Monde said the International Cycling Union had granted Pereiro a certificate to use the drug for medical reasons. However, the paper reported that France's anti-doping agency doesn't believe that the waiver was medically valid.

Boy, you know, it's almost like everyone in cycling is blood doping. Crazy. Well, everyone except for Lance Armstrong, of course.

Just Call Off The Tour De France [Steroid Nation]

Team Phonak immediately cut ties with him, and the Tour de France people say he is no longer considered their champion, though he has yet to be officially stripped of the title. If that does eventually happen, it will be the first time in the 103-year history of the Tour de France.

Landis, continuing to show that great Landis resolve and determination, isn't giving up the fight. There are likely to be a ton more appeals and denials stretched out over the next few months. This story threatens to become Barbaro-esque with its potential for longevity and annoyance. But at least it will give Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin an opportunity to keep exchanging e-mails:

"Floyd, what's up, it's J. So what bullshit excuse are you going to give people?"
"Well, we've got a whole list of things. New excuse everyday until people believe us. You?"
"Ah, I don't know, man. I might just throw something out there like 'vengeful massage therapist.'"
"You totally don't have the balls to do that."
"LOL! Watch me, man!"
"You're NUTS, man! You are NUTS!"

Landis 'B' sample confirms high testosterone ratio [ESPN.com]
Floyd Landis: His "B" Sample is Positive For Testosterone [Sports Blog at the Polo Grounds]

Tests performed on the cyclist Floyd Landis's initial urine sample showed that some of the testosterone in his body had come from an external source and was not produced by his system, according to a person at the International Cycling Union with knowledge of the results. That finding contradicts what Landis has claimed in his defense.

Now we're just waiting for the second tested sample to come back; if it comes back positive, Landis will be suspended for two years and lose his Tour de France title. And if anything, this whole matter proves just what a great champion Lance Armstrong was. Seven titles, and he was never once caught doping, though, of course, everyone in cycling is doping. That's the truly impressive achievement; Landis couldn't even pull it off once.

New Finding Challenges Tour Champ's Claim [New York Times]

The night before Stage 17, Mr. Landis said, while gathered with friends and teammates, he prepared for the strenuous mountain stage by drinking two beers and at least four shots of whiskey.

The revelation that Mr. Landis was drinking the night before the test could be significant. According to several studies, alcohol consumption can increase the ratio between testosterone and epitestosterone, which occur naturally in the body. Mr. Landis failed the test because it showed an elevated ratio between the two.

We'll be honest: This was the first we had heard of this "elevated testosterone ratio because of heavy drinking" story. This not only changes our perception of Landis, it changes our perception of all athletes. From now on, any athlete with an unbalanced testosterone/epitestosterone ratio, we're buying his/her jersey.

Tour Winner Floyd Landis Denies Taking Drugs, Does Say He Drank [WSJ.com]

(UPDATE: Here's a very instructive look at whether Landis "failed" a drug test at all.)

Arlene Landis, his mother, said Thursday that she wouldn't blame her son if he was taking medication to treat the pain in his injured hip, but "if it's something worse than that, then he doesn't deserve to win. I didn't talk to him since that hit the fan, but I'm keeping things even keel until I know what the facts are," she told The Associated Press in a phone interview from her home in Farmersville, Pennsylvania. "I know that this is a temptation to every rider but I'm not going to jump to conclusions ... It disappoints me."

Hey, thanks, mom!

Our favorite angle to this, by the way, is one cyling analyst John Eustice brought up on Dan Patrick's radio show. According to ESPN.com, Eustice " thinks Floyd Landis' testosterone test could be a false positive. Landis' testosterone levels were low; just the ratio was off. Landis' cortisone shots or beer drinking could affect that."

If Landis ends up losing the Tour de France for drinking beer ... well, shoot, we think that's worth it, doggone it.

Landis Had Positive Test After Stage 17 [ESPN]
Floyd Landis About To Become Decidedly Less Popular [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Landis is officially denying any malfeasance.)

What were all the rumors about? Well, the International Cycling Union said earlier this week that a rider in the Tour de France had failed a drug test, but didn't announce who it was. Since then, it has been confirmed that it was neither a French rider nor a German rider ... and that does narrow it down.

Which, because this is the Tour de France, and Landis is an American, and they never did get Lance Armstrong, means everyone's tongues are wagging about Landis' mysterious disappearance. With all the stories we've read about Landis, it initially wouldn't have surprised us if he were on a week-long bender somewhere, hanging with some guys from a Skynyrd cover band, but we doubt the French know of the LEE-nard SKEE-nard.

But now: MSNBC is reporting that Landis was indeed the one who failed the drug test. Which would explain the mystery.

Where In The World Is Floyd Landis? [AFP]

(UPDATE: Looks like it's testosterone.)

Again, congratulations to Floyd Landis. I think it's about time we just moved this race to America, just to save our guys the travel time.

Landis becomes third American to win Tour de France [CBS SportsLine]
Floyd Landis Bikes Through the Pain [ABC News]

So from what I understand, it would take a major catastrophe for Landis not to win tomorrow. The best chance for that is probably a big hangover for Landis, who keeps talking about beer. It's a pretty nice story, Landis winning the Tour, given his bad hip and his comeback from a near-meltdown earlier this week. I don't know if it's enough to make the French forgive him for being American, but it's nice story anyway.

Congratulations Floyd, and hey, sorry Frenchy.

Honchar wins time trial, Landis claims yellow jersey [Guardian Unlimited]
Friday's Foaming Rant: Beer me, Floyd [VeloNews]

To quote VeloNews, which knows cycling much better than we do: "while Landis was expected to go on the attack to salve his injured pride, no one really anticipated a feat of such proportions." He's really doing some amazing things over there, solving that thing, which means it can only be a matter of time until the French go after him with decades of doping allegations, after which he will end up hosting a dumb award show and making stupid, dated jokes about Jake Gyllenhaal enjoying anal sex.

We hope we didn't jinx him just by typing this.

Resurgent Landis Wins Stage 17 [VeloNews]

But we may have no choice. Landis claimed the Tour's yellow jersey on Tuesday after an uphill finish on the grueling L'Alpe d'Huez (coincidentally, those last two words were exactly the sound we made that time we accidentally swallowed sea water). Armstrong has his faults, but life with Lance was never dull. And we have a feeling that a Landis victory would put us all immediately to sleep. You may disagree with all of this, but truthfully, are you ready one day to hear this from your daughter? "Daddy, I'd like you to meet my fiance; Floyd Landis."

Landis Back In Yellow But Still Playing Percentages [The Guardian]

(UPDATE: Within minutes of posting this, he fell off the leaderboard. Awesome.)

Landis says it was a tactical choice to let Pereiro surge ahead, so as not to waste any energy. I don't know anything about cycling, of course, but I'm pretty sure that the Tour de France isn't a "go all-out at every point during the race" type of things. Even Pereiro doesn't seem convinced about his own viability as a Tour leader, saying, "I have to be realistic." And Voigt's take on the situation is, ""Floyd is thinking, 'I give it to him on the flat days and take it back later." So I guess Floyd's still in pretty good shape. I think the Pittsburgh Pirates should try that excuse. "Yeah, we're saving our energy for 2014."

Yesterday day was Bastille Day, which I guess is kind of a big day in the Tour de France. In a French guy wins the stage, the country apparently will go nuts for him, but unfortunately for France, they never win anything. A Ukranian guy won the stage. All I know about Bastille Day is that when I was in high school, and I wore too much cologne, my mother would say to me, "You smell like a French whore on Bastille Day."

Landis loses Tour de France lead [Fox Sports]
Ukrainian Puts a Damper on a Bastille Day Party [NY Times]