Some facts:

• He is a graduate of Kent State University, which makes him a "Golden Flash."
• He has won 30 regional Emmys and was named Best TV Investigator by Cleveland Scene.
• One of the Emmy nominations came for a story called Cody The Cancer Boy.
• Monday once discovered that sometimes gay men have sex in porn booths. (Link NSFW)
• He is making the world safe for all of us. Without him, Clevelanders would be lost. It is only through him that they are saved.

All hail Carl Monday!

And, honestly: We really can't say enough about the Deadspin commenters. Just watching you guys work yesterday was an absolute honor for us. The day was pure pleasure. Thank you.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

What did they do? They put a hidden camera in the computer room and waited for some poor sap to start "having sex with himself."

They found that man, and that man was an Ohio State fan. What happens next will change the way you see humanity. You're going to watch this and think it's some sort of sketch comedy troupe prank. It isn't.

So, you know, enjoy.

OSU Fans "Using The Library" [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

(BIG man hugs to Every Day Should Be Saturday for this. Earth cannot thank you enough.)

(UPDATE: As noted by a commenter, Carl Monday, CLEVELAND'S INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER, has a blog post about this very story. You can email him at carlmonday@wkyc.com too. Life is beautiful.)

(SECOND UPDATE: Personally, we think Carl Monday is infinitely more terrifying than our phantom masturbator, but, nevertheless, we still present our OSU fan's MySpace page. Sorry.)

(THIRD UPDATE: They've taken down the video on YouTube — JERKS! — but you can find an expanded version (yes!) right here.)

(FOURTH UPDATE: We've got the video back up from YouTube now. Also, Carl Monday has a follow-up report. Get away from us, Carl Monday!)