Shawnee Mission Northwest High School actually posted the best score at the Girls State Gymnastics Championships (103.950) which should have given them a victory of less one half point over rivals Lawrence Free State and Newton (who were tied at 103.525). However, their head coach "inquired about her team's scores on the balance beam after the 5-minute window in which coaches are allowed to do so from the time scores reach the judge's table after a rotation." The coach says "she gave verbal intent to inquire within the 5-minute window," which makes even less sense than the rule that she allegedly broke. Shouldn't the window really be 3 minutes and 14 seconds? That's just common sense, people!

This whole thing probably makes sense to some gymnastics expert out there, but will sound pretty pointless and arbitrary to dummies like me who don't get why teams with the highest score don't always win. Losing—and winning—on a rule violation that has nothing to do with the actual competition cheapens the game and drives reasonable people bonkers. But it does give old people (me again) something to gripe about so keep them coming.

Railer gymnasts tie for title [Pic via The Newton Kansan]
SM Northwest gymnasts lose state title amid controversy [Varsity Sports]
Surprise! Firebirds share state gymnastics crown [Lawrence Journal World]
Previous: Thread Color On Running Shorts Is The Most Important Sporting Issue Of Our Age

Melanie Sinclair, a nine-time All-American and three-time All-SEC gymnast for the Gators, was busted yesterday after her boyfriend—21-year-old Bud Williams—told police that she knew the stuff was stolen. Williams himself was busted two weeks ago after cops got a tip that someone was selling guns out of the apartment complex and while they were staking it out, he was seen strolling across the complex with a loaded 12-gauge shotgun. He later told police that Sinclair not only knew about the loot, she was "playing" with the guns and he tried to give her a necklace that he found in the safe.

Oh, and if that wasn't damaging enough, police taped a jailhouse phone conversation (yes, they can do that) between the two where Williams instructed Sinclair to lie to the police. It sounds like he's not the best boyfriend in the world. Or the best criminal.

Sinclair, who has three perfect 10.0s on the uneven parallel bars in her career, has been suspended from the team indefinitely. (Gymnastics season begins in January.) It's too bad she missed her mandatory 15 minute appointment with the school quarterback, because her life would have been better for it.

Standout UF gymnast and her boyfriend arrested [Gainesville Sun]
UF gymnast arrested for storing stolen goods by [Orlando Sentinel]
Gator Gymnast Behind Bars [Video @ WCJB]

Suzanne Yoculan, there in the middle, is retiring after having just coached Georgia to its 10th national championship, and fifth in a row, both record-tying feats. Although leaving while you're in your prime and still on top is definitely un-American. Clockwise from top right, that's seniors Courtney Kupets, Abby Stack, Tiffany Tolnay and Paige Burns.

This team is a little different. Please see this photo of Stack, submitted as exhibit A.

Other Georgia gymnastics facts:

• Jeff Foxworthy, cook Paula Deen, "Good Morning America" co-anchor Robin Roberts and Tennessee coach Pat Summitt all participated in a farewell video dedicated to Yoculan.

• On average, the Georgia gymnastics team outdrew the men's basketball team. Six home gymnastics meets drew an average of 9,727, with three sellouts. Bulldog basketball attendance averaged 6,622.

• Prior to the 2008-09 season, Yoculan tried to promote a charity stiletto race featuring her team in tights and spiked heels. But the administration vetoed it.

• In a home meet against Florida, the team came out wearing boxing gloves to the soundtrack of Rocky.

On why she's retiring:

"It will be interesting to figure out what else I'm passionate about, what else interests me," Yoculan said. "When you're the head coach of a championship program, you don't have a whole lot of time to do a whole lot else, to figure out what are your other interests. I'm not sure exactly what they are going to be. I'm excited to find out."

That's way too healthy and rational for me.

Gym Dogs Win 5th National Title In A Row [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]
Gym Dogs Gallery [The Red And Black]

PHOTO: Courtesy of Red And Black

Abby Stack Photo: Courtesy of Red And Black

Our Olympic hero, toiling on the set of Dancing With The Stars (don't pretend you're not watching), was surprised to learn that one Robert O'Ryan, 34, was stopped by security and subsequently arrested by police after he jumped a fence at ABC Studios. He said that he wanted to meet Johnson, who was taping the show there, and that the two were meant to have children together.

"He believes (Johnson) is speaking to him personally through the television and via ESP and that he will be with her no matter what," Johnson's court papers state.

Just like me and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

This love story ends the way that most do: With the girl's mother filing a restraining order, and the suitor being held on $35,000 bail on suspicion of carrying a loaded firearm in public. Just like in fine literature.

But I'm still not totally convinced that O'Ryan wasn't actually trying to abduct Johnson's dancing partner, Mark Ballas:

Armed Fan Tries To Break Onto The Set Of 'Dancing With The Stars' [KTLA Los Angeles]
This Is Creepy [Rumors And Rants]

Even though she fell from the balance beam, possibly costing her team the gold; was browbeaten by Andrea Joyce, and finished with one measly team silver medal, U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone is emerging as one of the biggest stars of the Beijing Games. In fact, according to the San Diego Union Tribune, our pert hero is second only to Michael Phelps as most-Googled Olympic athlete.

Charts on Google Trends, which tracks Web searches, indicate more people have performed Google searches in the past week for Sacramone than for Liukin or Johnson. At one point, Sacramone ranked No. 4 on Google's Hot Trends list. Her hotness, as Google puts it, was rated as “volcanic.” Dozens of new Sacramone pages have been created on Facebook. One is called “Alicia Sacramone cost us the gold.” Another is called “Alicia Sacramone has a gold medal in my heart.”

Still another: “Alicia Sacramone Transfer to SDSU.” The page's stated goal is “to have Alicia Sacramone visit or transfer to San Diego.” (The U.S. women's gymnasts, in fact, are to tape an ABC television special at the Sports Arena on Sept. 14.) “I guess it's kind of surprising,” Sacramone said of her sudden fame, “because I didn't have that good an outcome here.”

And, update, one entry that is NSFW. Ha.

None of this should be a shocking surprise to anyone except Buzz Bissinger.

Meanwhile, Shawn Johnson won the gold medal in the beam finals on Tuesday, and Nastia Liukin finished second. They were also 1-2 in the all-around last week, Liukin winning gold and Johnson silver.

Marco! Polo! Brenda Villa, known as the Wayne Gretzky of women's water polo (does not compute), scored with one minute remaining to win it for the U.S., 9-8 over Australia in the semifinals. Brittany Hayes of Santa Ana, Calif., had two goals. The United States will play the Netherlands in the championship game.

Soon To Be A Lifetime Movie Of The Week. To the horror of Lou Dobbs, Henry Cejudo of the U.S. beat Japan's Tomohiro Matsunaga, 2-2 on a tiebreaker and 3-0, for the gold medal in freestyle wrestling at 55 kilograms (121 pounds). Cejudo was born in Los Angeles to parents who were undocumented workers.

The Chinese are using 10-year-olds, heavy set men with comical mustaches are coaching, and if you make one small misstep on the balance beam, NBC's Andrea Joyce will swallow your soul. Yes, it's a jungle out there for female gymnasts. Let's see what the ladies have to say about the sport in general, and the U.S. getting silver in team competition in particular. It all happens following the jump. By the way, if you'd like to be part of the Waxing Off experience, email myself at Rick@Deadspin.com, or Mr. Daulerio at AJD@Deadspin.com.

Claire Zulkey:

Last weekend I rang up a friend who happened to be watching Olympic women’s gymnastics when I called. “Ooh,” she said. “Someone just fell down. God, I feel so bad for them.”

“Are you kidding?” I said. “That’s the best part!”

Apparently this is not an opinion shared by all, as I was promptly upbraided for being so callous. “They work their entire lives for this moment,” my friend said. I tried to backtrack, saying that in the long run they have many other competitions in which to redeem themselves, but she wasn’t buying it.

But come on. First of all, the spills are always more entertaining than the thrills and chills of any sport—the massive pile-ons in football, the crashes in skiing, and the collisions at the plate in baseball. And secondly, between gymnastics and its winter equivalent, women’s figure skating, who doesn’t secretly want to see these girls fall on their ass? These tiny hardbodied specimens always seems so high-strung and perfect that it makes us, the undisciplined towering 5-4 slobs at home who couldn’t do a handstand if you paid us, feel a little more like we’re watching humans and not little robots in spandex when they slip up.

Soon after we had this conversation I did catch women’s gymnastics and felt awful for the US team, which suffered setback after setback after one of the girls fell on her tush during her floor routine. The look on her face was heartbreaking—she knew that she had let her entire team down. But honestly, somebody’s got to fall down and lose points in this sport and if it’s the US occasionally, so be it. I may be a heartless asshole, but I’ve got to be diplomatic about it.

Claire Zulkey is a TV critic for the LA Times.com and Onion AV Club. She runs the blog Zulkey.com and next year will be publishing her first young adult novel with Dutton.

————-

Metschick:

So, you're telling me that these Chinese girls are lying about their ages, saying they're older than their real ages? Huh. My Dominican mind can't wrap itself around that.

Even though I never participated in gymnastics as a child, I can appreciate the dedication and training required to excel in such a sport and become an Olympian. I know I could ever do it: the endless hours of practice and training and the countless sacrifices you have to make. These girls don't have much time for Hannah Montana, slumber parties or Libby Lu. However, their hard work isn't all for naught: sure, they'll never be splashed all over OK! magazine but, other than famewhores, who cares? They can take pride in their work, and besides regular competitions, every four years there's the Olympics.

I think athletics are important in the life of young children, but where does the child's passion for, say, gymnastics end and the parents' fervent need to make a meal ticket out of her begin? I would love for Baby Mets to shine in gymnastics, swimming, or softball, mostly for the scholarship that would surely come with such athletic superiority. And I like to think that I'm a reasonable parent, but I can see how someone can slip into Dina Lohan-territory. Perhaps that's what the age limits are there to prevent; the exploitation of a child. But there's one thing that bothers me about the age limit and it's that these 16-year-old Olympians didn't just start tumbling or working on the uneven bars the year before. They've been doing this for years. So why is it OK for a 14-year-old to participate in American Gymnastics Association tournaments, but not in the Olympics?

After thinking about this for the last two days, I'm going to have to say that I think the age limit of 16 for gymnastics should be lowered. This is a sport where, by the time the next Olympics come around, you may be too old to participate. If you're good enough as a 14-year-old to make the team, let her participate.

Metschick has never even tried tumbling, as walking straight is sometimes a chore. Come see her on the vaults, virtually anyway, on Ladies ... every Thursday.

————-

Clare:

You've probably noticed that the American gymnasts look different than their Chinese counterparts (and if so, Chris Hansen will be arriving at your door in about 30 seconds). They're lithe and muscular, with strong legs and powerful shoulders. They don't have the wispy frames of the Chinese girls, or the lanky arms and legs of the Russians. But what all these girls from around the world share is a baseline of physical fitness that they will carry with them through their lives.

Much like a competitive gymnast, my athletic career ended at 18 too. But mine didn't end with catastrophic injury or the onset of menses. No, mine ended when I went to college, and discovered beer and O fries and sleeping until noon.

I was a round, brainy, solitary, unathletic child, and I don't come from sporty people. I don't have any siblings, both of my parents worked and I grew up on a busy street with few children my age nearby, so I rarely rode my bike or shot hoops in the driveway. So, like a tiny adult, I grew to enjoy reading Time-Life home improvement books, watching cooking shows, and when I played, I chose things like Legos and Oregon Trail. I died of dysentery many more times than I ever played wiffleball with my neighbors.

My proclivity toward, y'know, things that could be done while sitting down followed me through my teenage years — aside from a brief career as a field hockey goalie (I could stand in one place, but instead of cat-like reflexes mine were more like that of a slightly retarded koala) and a surprisingly lengthy rowing career (four on a summer club team, four on my high school team) I stayed on the sidelines. I managed and did stats for my high school's soccer and swim teams, which even got me out of gym class.

Obviously, this did not serve me well, as I went on all of two dates in college.

Perhaps it's because I don't want to die alone, a fat, crazy cat lady, perhaps it's all the magnificent physical specimens on display in Beijing, but now, at 27, I'm taking steps to change that. I have a tendency to wake up before my alarm clock, so instead of tossing and turning for two hours, I lace up my sneakers and take a walk around my neighborhood. I joined a kickball team this year (have I mentioned that?). The psychological impact of realizing "I just legged out that bunt" is powerfully uplifting, almost scarily so. Of course, I am sucking wind once I get to first, but hey, I did it. So addictive is that feeling of accomplishment I just registered for the fall league and have roped a few of my girlfriends into playing as well. (Let's ignore the fact that we drink before, during, and after the games.)

It's tragic that at 16 or 18 or 20 (or in the case of the Chinese team, 12) these girls' careers are over. They sacrificed the joys of childhood to chase a dream that likely didn't come true. But in the long run, they will be fit enough to do cartwheels into their dotage. Can you really put an age limit on fitness?

Clare lives outside Philadelphia and is the proprietor of the sporadically-updated Phillies blog Plunk Chutley. She is also a contributor to The 700 Level and Playing the Field.

————-

Melissa (Texas Gal):

We're America: winning is what we do. And when we lose, our red-white-and-blue defensive mechanism kicks in. Sometimes that involves beating the shit out of opposing fans. Or suing someone. But sometimes instead we channel our disappointment into bitching about the rules.

My instincts as a giant, unabashed U.S.A. homer are to scream bloody murder about "the babies" (in Bela Karolyi's words) while waving an American flag and the rule book around in the air. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is what Andrea Joyce does during the hours she's not trying to make gymnasts cry on camera.

But my common sense tells me that the only reason Marta Karolyi isn't using 14-year olds on the American team is because she doesn't think she'd get away with it. The Chinese with their faked birth documents are downright amateurs in the gymnastic Milli Vanilli game. Let me know when they get the balls to substitute an entirely different gymnast under another girl's name. Now that's commitment to winning at all costs.

I think the key for the Chinese next time is going to be to cover their tracks better. After all, the Mitchell Report taught us that although cheating is bad, getting caught is the real crime. Pay off a higher quality government official to completely erase the paper trail. Clamp down on the freedom of the press a little sooner to prevent the story leaking out. And most of all: make sure the gymnasts don't smile so much, so that gaping holes left by lost baby teeth won't show while the team is up on the medal stand.

Melissa (Texas Gal) resides in Boston, lives and dies with the Texas Longhorns, obsesses about the Red Sox and worships the Dallas Cowboys — thus making her potentially the most obnoxious sports fan in existence. She writes about the Sox at Center Field, contributes baseball thoughts to Babes Love Baseball and is part of the Playing The Field crew.

Joyce: "Alicia, did you feel responsible for your team's loss when you ..." BAM! (Twittering birds).

Sacramone is from Boston, so perhaps shirtless dude is a BC frat guy who now finally has an interesting story to tell at Mary Ann’s.

UPDATE: The rumor is that the video was shot at Brown.

Of course it was Sacramone's flubs which pretty much cost the U.S. the gymnastics gold on Wednesday, but you know all that. You may have missed this interview, though, in which Joyce laid into the 20-year-old with the reckless abandon of Jim Grey, or perhaps Carl Monday. (NBC has removed it from Youtube, so you'll have to download their special plugin to watch it. And enjoy the beer commercial, young gymnastics enthusiasts!).

The questioning went something like this:

• "Take us through what was swirling through your head ..."

• "Do you blame yourself? ..."

• "You're the emotional leader and team captain. Did your mistakes rattle the rest of your team? ..."

• "What was going through your head when you fell off the beam? ..."

• "You worked a long time to get here; what were you thinking? ..."

And that was only the opening salvo. Joyce continued battering her opponent until Sacramone started to cry at the end, and NBC mercifully ended the video. But I expect that Joyce continued the questioning after the video was cut off. "Why are you such a LOSER?" "Oh, are you gonna cry now? Huh? Are you gonna cry, little girl?" (Later, outside Sacramone's hotel room door): "What are you feeling now, Alicia? Are you ashamed? ... Your failure SICKENS me!"

Meanwhile, U.S. gymnastics is blaming stadium officials for the loss to China, saying that their mistakes caused Sacramone to lose concentration.

US team coordinator Martha Karolyi said officials at Beijing's National Indoor Stadium had disrupted Sacramone's preparations for the beam. "First they called her name up, then they did not even put her name up even though the Chinese had finished ... (it was) totally unusual holding," she said. "She was mentally prepared and then she had a mental break, then after not doing the job, the beam, on the floor exercise her concentration was bothered."

That's kind of reaching, in my opinion. But I do think that it was wrong when the Chinese coaches coughed loudly and said "Noonan!" each time Sacramone attemped a difficult move.

Alicia Sacramone Could Punch Andrea Joyce And I'd Be Fine With It... [Sedano Show]
US Blame Stadium Official For Gymnastics Loss [Breitbart.com]
Broken Ankle? Chellsie Memmel Lands On It [Los Angeles Times]

"They are using half-people," Karolyi said. "One of the biggest frustrations is, what arrogance. These people think we are stupid.

Well if they're half people, then it's definitely a problem. The question is, which half are they using? The top or bottom? Or is it a split down the middle situation? Karolyi's solution, rather than tighten up the monitoring, is to do away with the age limits all together. And his wife agrees.

"If it's true," she said of any nation using underage gymnasts, "the only situation is to lift up the age limit. It would be an even playing field for everyone."

Brilliant plan. They should start a new event, toddler tumbling. Raid every orphanage for the most flexible kids and bring on the 6 year olds. You have GOT to be kidding. Let me remind you that Karolyi and his wife have been criticized by some of his former gymnasts claiming abuse.

The whole "if you can't get them to follow the rule, take away the rules" mentality is lame. Unless you're talking about steroids.

Wrestling: Ten per session
Indoor Track and Field: Ten per day/session
Swimming and Diving: Ten per day/session
Bowling: Ten per day/session
Gymnastics: Ten per session

Well, some brave soul over at al.com — "Everything Alabama" — is stuck with the unfortunate assignment of covering the NCAA gymnastics championships and ... look out kids ... he's blogging!

The doomed soul is Paul Gattis at Crimson Chatter, and we wish him well. If you find Mr. Gattis outside Stegeman Coliseum in Athens, Ga., tied up, gutted and dumped in an alleyway ... well, Mr. Gattis, you fought the good fight, and future generations will not forget your sacrifice.

Watch Your Field Hockey Updates, Buddy [Deadspin]
I'm Blogging! I'm Blogging!, [Crimson Chatter]

On a certain level, it makes a modicum of sense. Is it any less a sensible outfit than a leotard?

Georgia Gymnastics Fan Shows Ladies Entire Package [Busted Coverage]

(UPDATE: Actually, the reason they were doing this was quite nice.)